Look What You Made Me Do

Hello Darlings...

One year ago today---almost to the minute as I write this blog----I was given the terrible news that would forever change my life.

News that would forever make it impossible for me to wake up each day and not worry...

News that would forever make me wary of every twinge I feel and every "what is that" with my body...

News that terrified me to my core...

News that NO ONE wants to ever hear...

News that meant that I no longer got to just live my life but that I have to FIGHT for my life...

My wonderful gynocologist Dr. Gorgeous called me up and through tears informed me that I did indeed have cancer and that it was uterine cancer.

Well....crap....

I know that she would have given anything not to have to make that call and was hoping and praying (along with me) that the "what was wrong" with me was just something minor like fibroids and was easy to fix.

But nothing with me seems to be easy these days and it wasn't going to be something simple.

I'm really not sure that there is anything scarier to hear than "you have cancer" except maybe to hear that you are dying (which duh---if you have cancer there is a good chance you are dying).

I can pretty much guarantee you that nothing will ever terrify me more than those words unless it is something about my kids and then hell yes that is worse.

When she called we talked and cried a bit...we railed against how unfair it was and we both agreed it was really really crappy that I had cancer. 

I got off the phone with her and practiced saying "I have uterine cancer" a few times before I called my beloved Aunt Jane and shared the awful news with her.

Trust me spitting those words out was like talking with poison in my mouth.

I took a long deep swallow of whiskey (and I am not a whiskey drinker) and made the call and said the words out loud to someone I loved...and my aunt was there for me.

After a year of being a cancer patient I can now say the words fairly easily and they don't catch in my throat as much as they did during those first days but trust me it is still not easy to say.

But I knew if I SAID it I would OWN it and it wouldn't OWN me...

I have uterine cancer

At that time we didn't know what kind it was (and because I am an overachiever and have to do everything the hard way I had to end up with the really badass awful kind that kills people and so I have Uterine Pappilary Serous Carcinoma---some damn ugly stuff).

I spent that first night trying to digest:
that I had cancer
that the next morning I was going to see an oncologist
that I had to find a way to tell my children

During that time I also had some friends confide in me that they or a family member was going through their own medical or emotional drama but I couldn't say a word about my situation because it was so unclear as to what was happening with me and I wanted to be "there" for them and give them support.

I went to the doctor because I was bleeding a lot and thought it was menopause and I ended up with a cancer diagnosis.

Well...crap....

Most of you reading this have been on this journey with me---reading my blogs and my posts on social media.

During the time I have been in treatment I lost one sweet friend to a brain tumor (BeautifulBecca and my heart still grieves for her and the loss we feel from her no longer being with us) and another friend lost her daughter to Cystic Fibrosis (WonderfulWhitney...a gorgeous young woman who was taken too soon). And another friend had to watch her child go through his own cancer diagnosis (oh that was hard...) but then something great happened and met my #spiritanimal and fellow warrior Great Grace....

When I was in the hospital having my hysterectomy Beautiful Becca would message me sweet uplifting things in the wee hours when neither of us could sleep.  She was an incredible cheerleader and when I discovered she was now in heaven my heart grieved so deeply I felt I was in a trench of sadness that I could not see the top of....

The first time (and every time) that I walk into the Memorial Hermann Cancer Center my wind gets knocked out of me a little. I literally stepped off the elevator and had to catch my breath.  So did my Aunt Jane. We just paused as we stood in the hallway and looked at the words written on the wall.

Memorial Hermann Cancer Center

Why the hell was I there?

I didn't belong there...

but I did...

I have cancer...

and I feel the same way every time I push open the glass doors of the Radiation Therapy Department.

It's been a year now and I am on a first name basis with all the nurses in the department, the receptionist and most of the ladies that handle all the signing of paperwork.  My pharmacologist has me call her by her first name and if I ever need to be hugged I need only go up to the 29th floor of the Memorial Hermann Medical Plaza (or the radiation therapy department) and I will have a dozen people who will wrap their arms around me and make me feel better.

I don't remember if I slept the night I found out I had cancer...it was all such a blur.

I don't remember if I ate...

I don't remember much about any of it after she said the words "you have uterine cancer".

Cancer...

I have cancer...

I do remember thinking I had to be strong...I felt like if I started crying I would never ever stop.

I remember trying to be calm as I met my oncologist and her residents and while we discussed the surgery I was to have and scheduling it.

I remember it feeling like I was in some sort of hazy dream that wasn't real.

But cancer is very very real.

As this year progressed I did so many things I could not have ever imagined I would have to face or do.

I had a total hysterectomy  and several lymph glands removed...she had to cut into me very deeply and sadly the cancer had spread to what we thought was stage 3C (but it turns out I have Stage 4B because of the cancer in my lymph glands in my neck)

I had a port put in...

It is a daily reminder that I am a warrior and that I have poison put into my body from it...

I had the first of 6 chemotherapy treatments two days before Christmas so I ended up sleeping most of Christmas day and laying on the couch...my children had to watch their mom struggle to move about the house and they did their best to make the holiday easy on me.

I learned about cold capping so I could keep my hair.  It was hell but I don't regret it and my Aunt Jane and Twirler Girl worked very hard to help me keep my long blonde locks. I honestly believe that keeping my hair helped me keep my sanity...and made me feel so much better...

I learned all about chemo and steroids and had to learn to manage all of it on my own because I am alone with no partner so there was no one to help ease my pain or nausea when I felt bad and there was no one to help me do simple tasks (like heating up a meal) when I was recovering from chemo.

I learned how to handle radiation being shot into my body and how to make sure I wasn't burned by it and I learned that having a doctor who took time out of his busy schedule to make sure I was ok was a true blessing...I cried to Dr. Angel many times and he made sure I always felt secure and cared for.

I had:
a total hysterectomy
6 chemotherapy infusions of Taxol/Carboplatin
3 Brachytherapy treatments
25 external beam radiation therapy treatments to my pelvis
30 external beam radiation treatments to my neck
4 chemotherapy infusions of Cisplatin
4 blood transfusions
one Neulasta shot
countless blood draws
countless iv's
countless iv and port flushes
hernia repair surgery because I got an incisional hernia after my hysterectomy

I've cost the insurance company hundreds of thousands of dollars and I have spent hours upon hours getting treated.

And I have done it without a partner, boyfriend or husband.

Those of you with a love in your life will never understand just how that multiplies the difficulty of it all...because as much as friends are helpful they are no replacement for the person who hears you crying in the night and pulls you close to tell you it will be ok

I've had many friends help me but it honestly doesn't replace having someone who is in love with you tell you that you will be ok and you are still loved and loveable...

Cancer made me gain weight
Cancer made me so tired it was an effort to cross the room
Cancer made me lose a lot of sleep
Cancer made me take a lot of naps
Cancer made me cry more than I have ever cried

It's been a year of hell and a helluva year...

And now as I wait to hear if I am cured or in remission I fear making plans...

Because I have made plans before...and they were for naught...

I planned to have found a love and be enjoying time with him...
but Cancer cancelled those plans and I have yet to go on a single date

I planned to lose weight and get into shape...
but Cancer cancelled those plans and I gained weight

I planned to do some travelling
But Cancer cancelled those plans and all my money has been spent on medical bills

I planned to do some work to my house
But Cancer cancelled those plans (see above)

I planned to try to find some time to work on some sort of writing or cookbook
But Cancer cancelled those plans and all I write about is my damn cancer

The other day I was shopping for boots....and I almost didn't buy them because I wondered why bother? I had no place to wear them or anything special to wear them with so why spend the money...

But then I said to hell with it and bought the damn boots and another pair as well...

Cancer has completely disrupted my life but it will not mess with my wardrobe and once I heal from this damn hernia repair I plan to dress as cute as possible...no more alien baby head to get in the way.

As much as I hate having cancer and all the hell it has put me through I have learned a lot from it...

I've learned patience
I've learned to handle things alone
I've learned to handle needles
I've learned to be grateful

I had a very privileged childhood...I had everything I could ever want and the hardest thing I faced was my parent's divorce and dealing with a stepmother who really really did not want me around.

I had an unhappy marriage but it wasn't misery and my children were easy to raise and other than my son having monthly ear infections and screaming in the car (until his sister would sing Wide Open Spaces by the Dixie Chicks) it was easy...not happy or fulfilling (the marriage not my kids) but easy enough...

I've had an easy life....

and I decided on that day one year ago that I WOULD NOT have an easy death...

Cancer was not going to take me....

I will not let it win...

I have no choice but to conquer it and win the battle.

God puts a lot on our plates.

Sometimes we look at the plate and feel like there is not enough there to nourish us---but sometimes it is the smaller amounts of things that we need to handle at one time.  The plate may not look full enough to fulfill us but it will...because He is giving us what we can handle at that time.

Sometimes we look at the plate He gives us and it is full and overflowing. It is more than we can handle. We ask God to take some of it off our plate or we try to sneak some of it off into the trash but in reality what is on our plate is what we have been served or we have requested to be served. And we can only tackle it one small bite at a time.

Sometimes the plate is empty. We feel like He is giving us nothing...but I know that we are never holding a truly empty plate. It may feel so but there is always something there.

Sometimes the plate is full of things we hate. Like a plate full of kale and liver. Things we don't want to see on our plate. Things we really really dislike and don't want to deal with. But we have been served and we must take from it.

Sometimes the plate is full of sugar. Lots of beautiful desserts that are pleasing to the eye and palate and we totally indulge and partake of all of it even if it might mean we end up feeling awful later.

Sometimes the plate looks perfect---just the right amount of everything on there. Not too much and not too little.

I have been served all of those types of plates this year...times I felt that there was not enough there for me to be strong and get through the day....sometimes it was more than I could handle...sometimes every bite of the day felt bitter and awful.

Sometimes I just wanted to wash my plate clean without partaking from it...but you can't do that...you have to work with what was served to you.

(Thank you StarChild 2 who posted that her plate was too full...it got me thinking)

God serves us exactly what we need even if we don't think it is right or what we want...

I do not want cancer...

no one does...

but I HAVE cancer...

And my serving of cancer has been on my plate all year...it has not gone away....

I have had days of unending physical pain
I have had days of unending emotional pain

I have had days where I wondered why I was given what was served on my plate...

But I have never gotten mad at the fact I have cancer...I am mad at what it has taken from me but I am grateful for what I have learned from it.

A year ago today 4 words changed my life:
YOU HAVE UTERINE CANCER

A year ago I was immediately thrust into a life I had never thought I would live.

But I have survived this year...I have survived all that has been put on my plate.

And today I feel like my plate might just finally change a bit...instead of being overflowing with things like Kale that I don't like that maybe my sad ugly plate is going to be exchanged for some fine china and just the right amount of stuff on it...that I will be able to see the beautiful gold embellishments on the china and that everything on the plate is something I love...

And I have hope that maybe just maybe I will have someone to share my plate with...maybe a man who is kind and loving and able to look past a roadmap of scars will share my plate and help me finish my battle.

A year ago I had no idea what I would face...
I had no idea how hard it was all going to be...
I had no clue that it would take every ounce of my strength to fight

I've fought harder than I thought I could
I've faced tougher challenges than I ever imagined
I've faced death and had things done to me that almost killed me...

A year ago I was a woman who was lonely and weak

A year later I am still lonely but I know I am stronger than I ever imagined...

You never know how strong you are until you have no choice but to be strong...

And I have had no choice...

Thank you for weathering out this year with me...I am not done but I have come far...

Thank you for reading my thoughts and sharing my pain...

Thank you for standing for me when I was crumpled on the ground...

Thank you for praying for me when I had no prayers left...

Thank you for offering to help when I could not ask for myself...

Thank you for cheering me on when I felt I had no more to give...

Thank you for helping me live...

I have cancer

But it doesn't have me...

Inspiration Song: "Look What you Made me Do" by Taylor Swift...because I can't believe all the things that cancer has made me do...

Bye Darlings---a year ago my life changed...I pray each day that because of it I will be a better human and lead a better and more fulfilling life.  If your plate feels too full, or too empty or you feel you were served the wrong thing just remember that the plate is every changing....one bite at a time...