The Greatest

Hello Darlings

Well today DID NOT go according to plan.

Nope...

No chemo...

No bell ringing...
I had a feeling it was going to go down like that but I had high hopes that it wouldn't.

And once again poor Dr. Angel had to calm me the hell down and explain it all to me why it was going to be ok.

The good news is that I am going to be just fine.

And I had prepared myself for the possibility that my body was not recovering as fast as it should with all the chemo and radiation.

I went up to the Cancer Center to get my bloodwork done and to wait for a chemo chair. It was such a busy day up there I had to wait over an hour just to get my bloodwork drawn.

Then I moved into the "waiting for a chair" area.

Just before the nurse was to access my port I mentioned that my platelets had been low last week to one of my infusion nurses. She got to looking. And sure enough just before the nurse accessed my port it turns out that my platelets had gone even lower than last week.

Damn

So my oncologist Dr. Rockstar told me via the nurse to go downstairs and talk to Dr. Angel and see what he wanted to do about it.

So downstairs I went.

Except he was across the street in the Gamma Knife Suite.

So when Mohammed can't go to the mountain, the mountain has to go to Mohammed.

Apparently in this scenerio I am the mountain.

Except I have changed it to:

When the Angel can't go to the Princess, the Princess goes to the Angel...

That's how wonderful Dr. Angel is----when he knows he has a panicky patient on his hands he makes sure he can talk to that panicky unicorn princess patient even if she has to go on a guided tour of the hospital.

I am doing my very best to make sure I am his most memorable patient and that he will be so happy to not have a woman who demands so much of his attention that is not his wife or girlfriend.

So over to the Gamma Knife Suite to my doctor I go...

Luckily I had SweetJess (his nurse) to guide me.

SweetJess was marveling at the fact that I wasn't more tired because my hemoglobin is also very low. I told her I felt great.

But on the way over to the hospital I got out of breath and it was wearing me out...

um....

yeah...

you need red blood cells to carry oxygen and I was marching over pretty fast

this might be a yoga week for me...

I told her I felt stupid being so out of breath from a fast walk when I do powerful yoga and I spin a lot but she explained that my hemoglobin levels are in the very low range and it was not abnormal to be out of breath and fatigued.

And at that very minute all I wanted to do was go home and take a nap...

My amazing Dr. Angel explained that it was ok for me not to have these last two doses of cisplatin because they had been given to me when I was having the higher radiation doses. He was now giving me a radiation "boost" with a smaller field so while the cisplatin might have helped it was not crucial to my getting well.

Whew...

And he also gave me permission to have Gertie the Hernia removed because he knows she is bothering me...and she is getting bigger. 

As I was sitting in his office looking at all of his many many degrees and achievements I was feeling very very blessed that God had given me an angel to cure me.

Because even though today was somewhat scary and sorta disappointing I am grateful I still got to have my radiation and that I am in the care of the best radiology oncologist in town.

So I took today for what it was....not a bell ringing day but still progress in conquering El Diablo.

Sometimes I feel like my cancer journey is a road trip.

I have a destination to get to.

But I don't know the way to get there and there are several routes to take and there are pitfalls on all the routes.

And there are no Bucees along the way to make things fun.

I just have to get in the car and drive.

And every once in a while the GPS tells me we need to re-route because there is a danger ahead or that I must detour because the route I am on is no longer an option.

So I re-route.

I go on a different path.

And I can't get mad that I have to take a new path because the other routes are not an option for me any longer.

And today I learned that I can run out of gas (I took an almost 2 hour nap when I got home) and that I need to keep myself fueled for the trip ahead...

and there is "road food" along the way so I decided a Whataburger Jr. was what I deserved after all of the marching about the hospital...

And I have to accept that my vehicle is needing a little more gas than usual thanks to my low hemoglobin so I might have to alter my workouts and I am eating as many iron rich foods as I can (despite the Whataburger).

I have 4 more radiation treatments to go.

I can see my destination ahead of me.

Dr. Angel says he will be watching me closely and in 4-6 weeks I will get a CT scan that will hopefully usher in my new boyfriend NED (No Evidence of Disease) and the demise of El Diablo.

A year ago my body was telling me there was something very wrong.

I was bleeding and I felt terrible and I was in pain.

I thought I was in menopause and my fibroids were just acting up.

In a million years I never ever thought I had cancer.

It didn't even cross my mind

But here I am a year later and I know all kinds of things about cancer, and ports, and radiation, and now hemoglobin.

But what I have really learned is about myself.

I am stronger than I ever imagined I could be.

I never ever thought I had the strength to go through all of the needles and surgery and radiation and poison being put into my body and all the scary things I have had to hear and face.

I'm a girl who is terrified of cockroaches and heights.

And I have done it without a partner to hold my hand and love me though it.

You don't know how strong you can be until you actually truly have to be strong.

And I am not only stronger than I ever thought I could be but I also have more fight in me than I ever imagined I possessed.

I heard "you have uterine cancer" and the first thought I had was "I will beat it".

I have a warrior spirit in me that I used to think only came out on the bike or the yoga mat but I see now that all of that exercise was preparing me to fight and be strong.  And that it why I continue to spin and practice yoga almost every day so that I can keep the fight going.

I know I am a fighter.

I will battle on despite all the setbacks and the very real scary thing that is my particular cancer.

The survival rates are very very low with my cancer.

They are in the basement.

But no soldier goes into battle thinking he will be defeated.

And so I battle on with victory as the only outcome I see.

I won't let the past results of other warriors define me.

I will battle El Diablo with Dr Angel and Dr Rockstar as the generals in charge...

Until cancer I didn't know how patient I could be.

I have had to wait on things that normally would have driven me crazy.

I had to wait almost 3 weeks until we got a diagnosis of cancer.  For 3 weeks I was in limbo.

I have had to sit around the cancer center and wait endless hours for bloodwork, lab results, and infusions.

I've spent endless hours in the doctor's offices and at the Memorial Hermann Medical Plaza.

I've learned to handle scary news better than I have before.

Almost a year ago KuteKaren and I were in the car headed to a cute little hospital to get my labwork done for my cute little hysterectomy.  The "normal"  hysterectomy that I was going to have at the fancy lady hospital.

I pulled over and took my doctor's call and listened as she explained that the pathologist found abnormal cells and that it was quite likely cancer.

I listened to Dr. Gorgeous give me the news and I looked at KuteKaren and I knew I had the strength to handle it and I had a wonderful friend to help me through it.

I heard "abnormal cells"

that was followed by another conversation with Dr. Gorgeous where she said "the pathologist thinks it is cancer"

and that was followed a few days later by her telling me it WAS cancer

and then I met Dr. Rockstar and I took in all she had to tell me

and then I learned it had spread

and then I learned it was in lymph glands

and then I heard "chemo"

and then Dr. Angel told me "radiation" not once but twice.

All conversations I never thought I would have and I pray that none of you reading this ever have to have with your doctor.

The "old" me would have just started crying and would have wished it away.

But you can't wish cancer away.

So I knew that my only choice was to listen to what my doctor's had to tell me and do as they said.

My Aunt Jane and KuteKaren and TwirlerGirl and JayVee and GOTT and GOTTESS have been my rocks through all of this.  Along with many many friends.

But i tis a fight I have had to do alone for the most part. 

No one can take chemo for me...or lie on the radiation table as my proxy.

I have to do it.

And the girl I was 8 years ago would have run away from it all.

But the girl who had the strength to walk away from a bad marriage to build a better life for herself doesn't run.

She stays.

And she fights.

And she wins.

When something wants to take EVERYTHING from you, you will fight.

I have two incredibly precious reasons to fight hard---my son and my daughter.

And I fight hard because I know I am not done doing what I must do here in this world. I know that my future is ahead of me---one filled with love and laughter and travel and so many good things.

I may have had a setback today but I can still fight.

Low hemoglobin might keep me from having all the energy I need but I still have a lot of fight in me.

Life is a road we travel.

And to me a road with twists and turns and new things to see around the bend is far more interesting than a long straight road with nothing unexpected.

My road is filled with bumps and turns...and it is a wonderful road.

I discover something new with each turn and bend...I learn more about myself and I fully believe that God is shaping me into a better person than who I have been.

And he has for me a future that is one that the "me" I am now fully deserves.

I'm not looking for a life with a rich guy that can give me things.

I want a life with a man who will think I am the most precious thing he has and the things he will give me will be worth more than any object.

I'm not looking for an easy life...I'm looking for a rich life.  And by rich I mean one filled with love and joy and things that can NOT be bought.

I keep moving toward my future...my destination right now is a cure but ultimately I will never get off this road of life.

And I don't expect that once I am cured that life will be easy.

There will be fear of cancer returning and many other pitfalls in life.

Even though the interstate might get me there fastest, I want a life where I get to see things I can't see when I am driving 70 mph.

So I am going to keep on the road, accept the detours as they come, re-route when I need to, and I will stay strong and have stamina for the road ahead....

I like the "me" that I am...

Cancer has messed with the wrong woman...

Inspiration Song: "The Greatest" by Sia.  Because I love Sia. And because the words to this song are an anthem to me.  And because even though I may be running out of breath---i've got stamina.

LYRICS:

"The Greatest"

Uh-oh, runnin' out of breath, but I
Oh, I, I got stamina
Uh-oh, running now, I close my eyes
Well, oh, I got stamina
And uh-oh, I see another mountain to climb
But I, I, I got stamina
Uh-oh, I need another lover, be mine
Cause I, I, I got stamina

Don't give up, I won't give up
Don't give up, no no no
Don't give up, I won't give up
Don't give up, no no no

I'm free to be the greatest, I'm alive
I'm free to be the greatest here tonight, the greatest
The greatest, the greatest alive
The greatest, the greatest alive

Well, uh-oh, runnin' out of breath, but I
Oh, I, I got stamina
Uh-oh, runnin' now, I close my eyes
But, oh, I got stamina
And oh yeah, runnin' through the waves of love
But I, I got stamina
And oh yeah, I'm runnin' and I've just enough
And uh-oh, I got stamina

Don't give up, I won't give up
Don't give up, no no no
Don't give up, I won't give up
Don't give up, no no no

I'm free to be the greatest, I'm alive
I'm free to be the greatest here tonight, the greatest
The greatest, the greatest alive
The greatest, the greatest alive

Read more: Sia - The Greatest Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Bye darlings---whatever road you are on find the beauty in it...if I can find strength despite cancer anything is possible...