Stronger (Than Yesterday)

Hello Darlings...

I'm blogging again today because I need it...it's been a day....

I made a huuuuuuuuge mistake yesterday....

I was bored.

So I googled.

I googled my disease.

Not a good idea.

Bad idea.

Very very bad idea.

I've done it before and ended up hyperventilating and crying...

But last night I was bored and found myself googling things....and looking on a cancer network forum board...

let me tell you there is very little hope when you see some of that stuff...

so after I had a little cry I shut down the computer and took a shower (this was after publishing last night's blog)

It lurked in my mind but I decided to compartmentalize it and decided that I would confess all to Dr. Angel today and let him calm me the hell down.

And he did...

I won't go in to all he said to me but suffice it to say he made me feel better and I've found my faith and strength again.

He told me to stop googling my disease.

Since he is in charge of me, I will obey...

I knew better than to do it. 

I did it before and it freaked me out.

I know that no good can come from seeing the results of old studies and that most women with my form of cancer are a good 20+ years older than me and not in as good health (other than cancer) as I am.

But it's like Pandora's Box...and I just had to open it and see what was inside.

I told him that GOTTESS mom had survived my kind of cancer. She is a 20+ year survivor. She's a total badass of an amazing woman (that's where GOTTESS gets it) and that cancer wouldn't have dared mess with her.

Dr. Angel told me that cancer is going to lose to me too because I am also amazing and formidable.

I love that man...

I do my very very best to stay as positive as I can about things but I am only human and every once in a while I break my diet and I succumb to fear and get really really scared.

I had a moment of weakness thinking I would like to know more about my disease and instead I poked a sleeping bear.

and the bear woke up...

So after I dried my tears thanks to Dr Angel settling me down I told him I was going upstairs to get poison in my veins (he laughed at that) and I headed upstairs.

I got my bloodwork.

Got my port accessed.

They put me in a chair.

and then I see my oncology pharmacologist and she is discussing something intently with my nurse.

Damn

They were discussing me.

She motions me over.

Damn

Apparently I have low platelets.

Like really low.

Not super low but really low.

Last week they were low.

Now we moved into the realm of "really" low.

Damn.

No chemo for me.

Which should be a good thing because I get a break from the devil drug Decadron but after just crying my eyes out (and my mascara off) to Dr. Angel about my fears of this disease getting me I don't want to miss a second of treatment.

ONE damn cell left can kill me.

But my platelets are low and they are too low for chemo....but not too low for radiation. (thank goodness)

So at least I get to stay on my radiation schedule and radiation is what is driving the train right now.

My pharmacologist (I call her Dr. Sweet Meds...because she is sweet and gives me the biiiig meds) told me that I need to be careful not to cut myself or to fall.

Apparently low platelets can be dangerous if you hit your head you can have a brain bleed.

I think I will pass on that thank you very much...

I suggested I wrap myself in bubble wrap and ask the football coach for a helmet and she didn't laugh at that but instead said "if you fall down call 911 and get taken to the ER"

oooooooookaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy

So prayers up for my platelets please....

so now that I have thoroughly bored you with an update on my mental, emotional and physical state what can I offer you in the way of my blogish wisdom?

Well basically it is that we all have stuff that troubles us and whether it is a hangnail or cancer it disrupts our functioning...

and we have to hit the reset button and find a way to get back on the horse and start to ride again.

And we have to find our inner strength to face it and beat it.

Today my coping mechanism was to cry to my doctor.

He hit the reset button for me.

But not everyone has a Dr. Angel to fix it all for them.

Sometimes we get back on the horse and other times we have to find a new horse to ride.

I have a dear friend who tomorrow will have a hysterectomy.

She had 5 miscarriages and sadly no children.

Her body has been put through a lot and now it is time for her to say goodbye to her uterus.

She doesn't have cancer but her girl parts have given up and decided to rebel against remaining inside her.

But unlike many of us who have a hysterectomy later in life and after having children, she is having to say goodbye to the dream of having a child of her own.

so it's not just her girl parts she is saying goodbye to.

Her strength amazes me.

I would not have had her strength at her age (she is under 40) to go through it.

She is very brave.

And my heart aches for her loss...because she would have made a great mom and she's a good friend.

She's not just setting the reset button...she is having to reset her life with a new reality.

A reality that is heartbreaking but I know she is strong enough to survive and come through shining.

It won't be easy....her body AND her heart must heal.

And the body part is much easier than the heart part.

I see my own struggles but when I see hers I not only feel her pain but I admire her for being stronger than I know I would have if I was in her place.

I said goodbye to a cancerous uterus that served it's time inside me and provided me with the two most beautiful humans I have ever seen (my kids).

I wanted it OUT because it was causing me pain and suffering and was trying to kill me.

Her uterus is causing her pain and suffering and heartache....

I rode next to her in spin class tonight and marveled at how hard she rode and tried to send her love and strength with each pedal stroke.

We don't know just how strong we are until we are forced to be strong.

Many of you have said you admire my strength.

I PROMISE you would be just as strong or stronger if you were in my shoes.

When you are facing something that seems insurmountable you have to just DO IT and start climbing...

We all face our personal Everests...mine is cancer....my friend's is her uterus...another friend is facing rebuilding her home...people in Puerto Rico are just trying to get power and water...

When I was first diagnosed with cancer I told the following to GOTTESS:

I am on a 6 inch ledge on a steep cliff.  There is no way to climb up because it is a sheer rock face. I was dropped on the ledge and didn't climb there.  I can't climb down because there is no foothold. I have no safety net and no safety line. There is a tightrope that leads somewhere but I can't quite see where it goes but it is a taught line and goes somewhere. I can't go down. It's a deep canyon full of rocks. I must get on the tightrope to get off the ledge because I can't stay on the ledge. I have to get on the tightrope and I am terrified of heights.  I have to get on and walk. And I have to look ahead because if I look behind I will lose my balance. and if I run I will lose my balance. So I have to walk slowly and carefully until I get to the other side...

I had no choice...I had to get off the cliff...and I am still walking that tightrope that leads to who knows where....

We get on the tightrope and walk because we have no choice....

So no matter what you are facing you are stronger than you think you are...

So you face what you have to face and if somewhere in the middle of the struggle you need to hit the reset button JUST DO IT....there is no shame to starting over again...

But face what you must face and don't hide from it.

I hit the reset button on my strength and treatment today

Dr. Angel set me back on the path and said what I needed to hear to keep going...and so when I went upstairs and my treatment plan was disrupted I was strong enough to face it and move on with my day and accept that it was going to be ok.

And tomorrow I will wake up stronger than yesterday and will face the tightrope I am on with a renewed strength and I will climb on the radiation table and let the Trilogy do it's magic and I will be one step closer to being disease free.

And tomorrow my sweet friend will lay on the operating table and lose body parts but will not lose the essence of the incredible woman she is.  She could use your prayers so if you are the praying sort please lift her up...

And tomorrow we will all wake up to the struggles of our life....and we will find a way to be strong and overcome them...

Because you are stronger than you know
and braver than you know
and tougher than you now

and if you have to hit the reset button do it...just don't give up...

Inspiration Song: "Stronger" by Britney Spears...because we are all stronger than yesterday...

Bye Darlings---I learned a lesson today...reading stuff can make me weak...I need to depend on my own strength to get me through and not some internet studies that are years old...