Bad Blood

Hello Darlings...

No there is no bad blood between me and any other humans...the bad blood in my blog title refers to my own blood.

Le Sigh...

It seems that my blood has decided to become anemic---my platelets are low and my hemoglobin levels are basically in the basement.

Le Sigh...

And it is frustrating the hell outta me right now because it means I am too tired to get on my beloved spin bike or find my way to my namaste on the yoga mat.

And you know how I love my spinning and yoga.

I'm seriously missing them so much...

but when you have hemoglobin levels as low as mine are just walking from the parking garage can get me out of breath and worn out.

I literally had to sit down on the couches on the way to the parking garage after radiation today.

I drove home and just prayed I would get there safely because I was bone weary tired...

I haven't been this tired since I had the Taxol/Carboplatin chemo.

I knew something was up on Friday when I had to have The Cutest Boy in the World drive me home from dinner and I headed to bed before 9:00...I was just so tired.

Saturday I took a nap...and Sunday I was weary...

When I found out Monday what my hemoglobin level was it all made sense.

So today when I got home I put my happy arse in bed and took a little nap.

Le Sigh...

so frustrating...

I hate it when my body lets me down...

and today was the first time in about 6 months that I actually FEEL like a cancer patient.

This go round with the chemo and radiation I've stayed very active and have worked out 5-7 days a week and have had plenty of energy to work and do what I want...but since Sunday I feel like the energy has been sucked out of me and it's an effort just to get dressed or walk from the parking garage.

I don't like feeling defeated and this has made me feel that way.

And I know that it is just part of the process of getting me well...

Le Sigh...

Dr. Angel had the nurse draw more blood today to check my levels and I am sure tomorrow he will let me know how they are.

I have 2 more radiation treatments to go.

And then I am done...

hopefully forever...

in 4-6 weeks I will have a CT scan that will let us know if this worked.

It has to work.

It MUST work.

There is no choice but for it to work.

Because I don't know how much more my body can take and I really don't want to have to have the lymph glands removed and suffer lymphedema the rest of my life...

not to mention their extreme proximity to my carotid artery...

I keep telling myself to listen to my body but my body is screaming for rest and my brain is screaming to hit the mat or the bike...

I know I have a long period of time I will not be able to workout when I have my hernia surgery...and as a girl who is still trying to lose the weight she gained over the years I am very frustrated by it.

Basically I have to eat only air if I want to lose weight if I can't exercise.

And walking doesn't cut it...and it hurts my knees....and I get bored of it after a few minutes.

I need the hot room full of working bodies to make me want to exercise.

Once I discovered that spinning and yoga where what I loved I have happily spent the last few years going to spin and yoga classes.

I thrive on them.

I can't wait to get to spin or my yoga practice.

It makes my mind and body happy.

And knowing that in a few weeks I can't do it for a while I am especially missing them right now.

So my heart wants to go but my body says "no"...

I keep saying that cancer is teaching me patience but this is one area I am so not patient about.

I've fought my weight all of my adult life and the weight I gained before I knew I was sick was one of the indicators that my body was not behaving as it should.  Weight kept creeping on and no matter what I did or ate it would not come off.

And then the other stuff happened...

and it became very apparent that my body was in trouble.

Since I stopped chemo I have dropped 50 lbs but I have more to go and since living on air and water is not an option it totally freaks me out when I can't exercise.

And air and water will not help my hemoglobin levels to rise...

Plus I just feel better mentally when I burn those endorphins...

Having to rest reminds me that I am very sick and that's not a happy feeling...

I know I am fighting to save my life and I need to do everything I can to make that happen...this is not curing a sinus infection...this is killing cancer...

Dr. Angel is doing all he can along with Dr. Rockstar to make sure that at the end of all of this I get to lead a long happy life...

They are trying their best to introduce me to my new boyfriend NED (No Evidence of Disease)...

And I realized today that I have to work with the program and not against it so I needed to rest and not go try and workout and push my body in a way it is not ready to be pushed...

So often we WANT to do something so badly and yet their is an obstacle to letting us do it.

We ALL have those obstacles and some are small speed bumps and others feel like Everest.

The hard part is realizing when you can just speed through the bumps and if you are prepared to climb Everest for what you want...

sometimes I like to treat a mountain like a molehill and I get myself in trouble.

But I also know when to be sure that the molehill gets treated like one.

It's all about knowing the difference...

This...this blood thing is not a mountain but it's more than a speedbump.

I have to let my body recover from what it has been put through.

And on top of the blood stuff my neck is now burned from the radiation.

According to Dr. Angel it is much better than it should be after all the treatments I have had (thank you Rodan + Fields Soothe regimen) .

Basically I have a large very red rectangle on my neck.

It feels like a bad sunburn...a bad sunburn to the power of 10...

Again...a molehill...a speed bump...it could be far worse.

Many radiation patients will end up with worse burns---in some cases the skin blackens...in some it peels and will even bleed.

The skin on my neck and chest is thin and very fair so I am lucky that I just have redness and not something worse.

Like I said---molehill...

I do wonder once all this cancer stuff is behind me if I will continue on my path of patience and acceptance and my priorities.

It is so easy to fall into line when you have no choice but once things change it is very easy to fall back into old thinking and habits.

We can be strong...and wise...and discerning...and patient...

when we have to...

but when life is easy we don't have to work so hard.

I've spent months at war with the gap between what my head wants and what my body needs...and a year fighting to live.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of the blood test that changed my life...

A year ago I called my doctor and insisted to her receptionist that I needed to be seen.

I went in and told her about the bleeding and the terrible pain.

And because Dr. Gorgeous is amazing and so damn smart she ordered the CA125 blood test.

The test that changed my life more than any blood test before except for the ones confirming I was pregnant with my precious children.

She ordered the test not because it was the usual thing to do but because she had a feeling that she needed to check everything.

And lucky me my cancer reacts to that blood test...

I didn't know she ordered it until her husband called me (he was covering her patients) to tell me that the test was very high and he wanted to run it again.

Knowing that the levels were high made her dig deeper...and she did many biopsies on me to try and get us an answer.

I was in limbo for over 2 weeks while we waited to see what the biopsies showed---but that blood test was a good indicator that something was very very wrong.

When you hear the words "might indicate cancer" your world stops...

when you hear the words "you HAVE cancer" you stop breathing...

This past year has been full of a lot of bad blood...lots of blood tests indicating things going wrong with my body.

I long for the day that a blood test is just to check my cholesterol or sugar levels...that it is not to be sure that my body is not dying.

And for the rest of my life I will have CA125 blood tests run on me to see if my disease has returned...to see if it is lurking inside me waiting to reemerge and try to kill me again.

I'll never stick out my arm and have a needle puncture me without fear...because it is just part of the cancer game.

But I need to let that be a molehill and not Everest...because I know what Everest really is...

So that's the update on me...my platelets and hemoglobin are letting me down and tomorrow is the one year anniversary of Dr. Gorgeous starting to figure out there was something very wrong with me.

My life is ruled by blood tests...

And the Astros...

so I need to get back to them...

Inspiration Song: "Bad Blood" by Taylor Swift...because lately my blood has not been good...

Bye Darlings---sometimes the bad blood in our lives is with ourselves...try not to let small battles become wars...