Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Beautiful Trauma

Hello Darlings...

One year ago all hell broke loose with my body...

One year ago the bleeding started....

the heavy bleeding...

the "this can't be normal" bleeding...

the "why is this happening in the middle of a cycle" bleeding...

I remember that it was October 17 because when I finally called the doctor I remember having to tell the nurse when the bleeding started.

October 17

The beginning of so much change for me.

I would not be diagnosed with cancer for almost a month...

Because it took 10 days before I even called the doctor...

and then when I did it all got set in motion...

and what I thought was menopause turned out to be so much more.

(Ladies promise me if you start bleeding and it's heavy you will not wait 10 days to call your gyno...or if you start bleeding when you shouldn't...or if anything is abnormal....do not wait...do not pass "go"....do not collect $200...GO STRAIGHT TO THE GYNO...and husbands if this happens to your wife you make her go!!!!!!)

I've learned a lot in a year...I've learned words I never knew....I've said words I never expected to say.

Things like:
Radiology Oncologist
Pharmacology Oncologist
Gynecological Oncologist
Access my port
Sim (simulation for radiotherapy)
Radiotherapy
Taxol
Carboplatin
Cisplatin
Cold Capping
platelet levels

I've spent more time in 6400 Fannin than anywhere else in this city other than my home...

I've had more hospital bands placed on my wrists than I have jewelry...

I've been poked with more needles in this last year than the cumulative totals for the 20 years before...

I've had my blood pressure taken, my blood analyzed, and my temperature taken more in this last year than I ever have...

I've had had 5 CT scans with contrast and a handful of others to check radiation placement...

I've had a PET scan...

I had a full hysterectomy on November 28, 2106 and on November 13, 2017 I will have surgery to repair the hernia I got because I didn't follow my doctor's orders not to lift anything after the hysterectomy...

I've had so much bloodwork done that Dracula would have been happy to drink what they take from me...

I've had 6 rounds of Taxol/Carboplatin and 4 rounds of Cisplatin...

I know the layout and people in the Radiation Therapy office so well I can pretty much help myself to where the gowns are, weigh myself, and if not for needing someone to lock my mask down on the table I might be able to put myself on the table with no assistance.  I know each and every human in that office by name and I can tell you things about them personally because I have spent so much time there.

I know almost every nurse up in Infusion therapy by name and I'm friends with my nurses who work with my surgeon....those ladies even stayed late to watch me ring the bell after my first chemo sessions were done.  I also know the receptionist and most of the ladies who check me in by name as well as the ladies who take my blood.  In other words----I've been there a helluva lot...

I gained 30 pounds thanks to chemo and thanks to eating clean and doing spin and yoga regularly I have lost almost 50.

Those are the PHYSICAL things that have happened...

the emotional has been so much more...

I realize that each day is such a gift now....I had always assumed I would glide into old age with no issues and then have to beg my children not to put me in a nursing home.  I know now that it was never intended for it to be that easy for me.

I've had this struggle for a reason....I've grown so much from it that I have now had master classes in: gratitude
asking for help
living each day with love
being strong
getting poked with needles

I still wonder how different all of this might have been if I had had a partner to go through this with.

My Aunt Jane has been an incredible supporter and helper to me and I literally do not think I could have survived this without her constantly being at my side and helping me through all of this.  She has been the most amazing human and I'm so happy that despite my being sick we have gotten to spend a lot of quality time together since she is "my person" and the person I am closest to other than my kids.

But I do wonder if having someone to hold me at night when I cried or to hold my hand when I get poked or to kiss me when I woke up from surgery would have made a difference.

I think it might have helped zip up some of the fear...

but who's to know...because I have walked this path alone (other than friends and family)

but this illness has caused me to re-evaluate just who I want in a man and to share my life and time with...I now have a different set of what is important...I also know that what I now seek is not a compromise but rather a re-aligning of my priorities and what matters...

my illness has also taught me that sometimes even strong things break....and that it's ok to be scared but you can't let it rule you...

I've learned to appreciate all the things my body can do---like yoga and spin....and each time I find myself in downward facing dog I am glad that my body allows me my practice on the mat so that I can release the emotions in a physical way...I have cried it out on the bike and on the mat...both are equally fulfilling...

We all grow in a year....time doesn't stand still...

we lose people to death and to friendships expiring...

we grow or shrink physically depending on our age and activity level

as our bodies age we need more care and more meds and supplements

we see our kids grow older and their lives change

I've had a lot to deal with in this year but I have also had incredible joyful things:
my daughter graduated from college
my son is attending beloved TAMU
my student's musical was nominated for many awards
and
I'm ALIVE

So a year ago I was beginning to transform...I feel like during this past year I have been a caterpillar that made a cocoon and I am still in the cocoon....that I am not yet ready to emerge as this new person...

I still have 8 more radiation treatments and one more chemo...and then a waiting period of 6 weeks until I have a scan that will reveal my fate...

I feel like on that day...the day that Dr. Angel tells me that my cancer is in remission I will emerge as the sparkling glittery unicorn butterfly that I am waiting to be...

I thank each and every one of you that reads these blogs and supports me...

a year has changed and shaped me...not the cancer....but each day that I have lived that has molded who I am in the cocoon...

so next time you are struggling with something don't look at the struggle as what is shaping you but rather how you handle and deal with it....don't look at the time spent dealing with it as time wasted but as an opportunity for growth.

It's often said that God only hands us what we can deal with...that He knows what we are capable of and what challenges we can face.

If that is so then He must think I am one helluva badass woman...because He has put a lot on me to deal with.

I'm grateful...yes I said GRATEFUL to God for giving me cancer.

It has made me a better human.

It has made me learn so much more than I would from just a hangnail....

I've met amazing people on journey---I have new friends and have had the most incredible medical care that anyone can have.  And my doctors and nurses and the techs have been the most amazing humans I have ever been blessed to meet.  They are so dear to me.

I've had my optics on life change...and they have changed for the better.

I've let my mess be my message (thank you #robinroberts)

I used to see friends and celebrities that fought cancer and admired their strength so much...I never expected to be one of those people but I can honestly say that I admire my own strength through this because it is strength I never knew I had.

I look at my body with more love these days.  I hate Gertie the hernia but she's about to be made to disappear so I'll no longer have her to complain about.  My body is far from perfect but it's not too bad for an almost 53 year old woman with cancer.  Some day some man will see past the scars and the dimpled thighs and the thickness and see that I am a warrior who's earned her battle scars.

I firmly believe that having a positive attitude about all of this has made the biggest difference of all in how good I feel now.  I think that deciding that my only option was to fight and live was the best medicine of all for me.

So when life hands you something harsh find the beauty in it.

Cancer is not pretty...

but my cancer has been beautiful...

Inspiration Song: "Beautiful Trauma" by Pink....because all of this has been my beautiful trauma...and at the end I will be a glittery princess unicorn butterfly and will be more beautiful than I ever hoped to be...

Bye Darlings...one year has shaped me....how has it shaped you?  Kisses....


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