Cruel to be Kind

Hello Darlings

It's been ages since I wrote a blog...I got super busy costuming the musical (they were amazing!!!) and had two chemos...I am now at 3 down/3 to go with my 4th round coming right up on Friday...

Today is not exactly a great day...I'm having a pity party...hence the blog....

I want to be normal again.

I want to feel normal
Have a normal day
and a normal life

But at this point I am not sure I will ever know what "normal" is again...and if I do I am pretty sure that whatever my "normal" is it will be a new normal...not the one I knew before...

My life before was filled with yoga and spin classes, cooking and writing a cooking column, seeing friends and occasionally going out to brunch or dinner and working...and of course loving and raising my beautiful kids...

now I have days where just getting from my bed to my beloved lounge chair feels like a victory.

I miss my spin and yoga...I miss it in my soul....

I miss walking into Revolution Studio, putting on my pretty pink spin shoes and clipping in and riding and sweating and dancing on the bike...I miss unfurling my beautiful pink mat and stepping onto it and feeling sexy and powerful...

I miss the sweat
I miss the soulful talks
I miss the candlelight
I miss the riders breathing heavy next to me
I miss the beat of the music pounding in the studio
I miss the feel of stretching and balancing
I miss seeing the other yogis around me moving to the music as I do
I miss the instructors filling my soul and heart with love
I miss the beauty of 50 riders rising in unison when the instructor tells us to leave the saddle
I miss dancing on the bike
I miss the feel of the weights in my hand as I lift them to the music

I miss it all...

I used to ride and/or do yoga at least 5 days a week. I forced myself to take days off...

Since October I have only been able to do yoga about 3 or 4 times and I have only been able to spin about 3 times...

it crushes me...to the point of depression and aching...

But it's hard to get on the bike and pedal when you can barely move across your house...

And for some awful reason each time have gotten my chemo it is followed by a terrible sinus infection so even when I am recovered from the chemo the sinus infection is keeping me down like I have the flu

Cancer is robbing me from my "normal" of exercise...

I feel out of shape
I feel fat
I feel stiff

I miss cooking too....

But it's hard to cook when you are tired...and food doesn't taste the same thanks to the chemo...

I love shellfish but right now crab meat tastes like it's rotten to me...I can't taste some foods at all and others just don't taste the same...

Chemo messes with your taste buds...

I'm also tired of being tired...

It sounds so restful until you have rested yourself to the point where you wonder if you will ever leave the house again.

And it's a tired I can't describe unless you have experienced it but it sorta feels like the flu...and you get the lovely aches with it...

I'm also looking forward to the day that running errands doesn't wear me out so much I need a nap.

Naps are lovely...and I used to love a nice nap on a Sunday especially when it was raining.

Naps were special...they were "me" time that I splurged on myself.

Nowadays naps are a way of life...
a necessity...
a daily occurance...
needed...

Sleep is necessary to recover from chemo and when you have cancer...but thanks to menopause my sleep gets interrupted by:
hot flashes
trips to the bathroom
cold flashes
night sweats
trips to the bathroom
trips to the bathroom
trips to the bathroom
and
cats...

(ok cats aren't part of menopause but maybe being a single menopausal woman makes cats happen)

And I am thirsty...very thirsty...so I can't stop the bathroom thing...

I go to bed with a very large bottle of water or insulated cup and thirst (and sweats) prevail and I end up drinking a lot of water...I've even tried tricking myself by not having as much water but when your throat feels like sandpaper you gotta sip some water...

So yeah---I don't get good rest all the time...

My relationships with my bed and lounge chair are strong and deep...I spend so much time with each of them I think they might end up being the only love affairs I have for quite some time...maybe I should just name my lounge chair "Steve" so I can say "I'm seeing Steve tonight" and can feel like I have a boyfriend...

a leather lounge chair boyfriend is what I need these days...it's comfy and doesn't talk back and always welcomes me...

And then there is the hair stuff...

I still have my hair...most of it at least...but it is thinner...

I no longer need to shave my legs or armpits and my eyebrows are hanging on although I have lost my eyelashes (I blame the eyelash extensions for that...)

I will never take brushing my hair for granted again...

because until you have to softly...ever so softly---brush your hair so it doesn't pull out and you cry when you see how much hair is in the brush you don't know what it's like to be scared to brush your hair...

I won't take washing my hair for granted either...I can only do so once or twice a week and I miss the feeling of giving my head a good scrubbing and styling it...

yeah, no styling it either...

and you don't have many hair options when your hair is greasy and lifeless so I am pretty much in an old lady bun every day...no cute hair for me...

and I desperately (for the first time in my life) need color...my roots are dark and my hair has no texture...it's just limp and there...

so I look forward to a good cut and color when this is done...

but i thank the Lord every day that I still have hair and I don't look like a human emoji...I have no bald patches and my hair still looks good and is on my head.

And if you are one of those people reading this and thinking I am foolish for struggling to keep my hair let me just suggest you go into your bathroom and shave  your head until you are smooth and bald and then do that every day for 6 months.

What? you don't want to lose your hair?

Neither do I....

and as for the "but I would if it meant I was saving my life" ....trust me, it's not as easy a decision until you are actually faced with it...so if you have spent one second questioning why someone would work so hard to keep their hair just remember that you don't want to be bald either...

I also am struggling with the head games I play with myself...

I now just say "I am a cancer survivor" to myself because frankly there is no other option...I am not a victim...I am going to beat this crap and get on with my life...but every once in a while the scary voice comes in my head and plays around with me and whispers ugly things that I dare not write here lest I release them into the universe and make it real.

Because this is CANCER and not a cold or the flu or a sinus infection...

and many days I run about acting like it's just a little cold and not the serious threatening-my-life battle I am fighting...

I spent 14 hours at the theater one day the week of our show...I do that every year...14 hour days are nothing during show week...

but when you have cancer a 14 hour day literally knocks you to the ground...

the next morning I literally could not wake up and get out of bed to be at the theater when the kids arrived so I texted my girls to carry on without me...

when I walked in (3 hours late) I found that they had not only fixed the things we had talked about the night before but had gone on and found other costumes to repair, bedazzle, jazz up, decorate and just make fabulous.  They didn't need me...they knew what to do...and I was so grateful to just walk in and see that I had taught and trained them well...

But I felt like a failure for being 3 hours late and struggling to make it...I even went home and took a nap during the next 14 hour day just so I could make it to the end...

I cried like a baby backstage after our final performance...not just because I will miss the kids and my seniors and the show itself but because I couldn't believe I actually DID the show...

I am blessed because my little team of magical unicorn girls followed my vision and worked hard to do all the things we needed to do despite my illness...it was a feeling of joy and relief...

which leads me to the greatest battle I have with myself with this cancer thing...

it's not just the:
fatigue
crazy appetite and food issues
sleep issues
lack of exercise
loss of social time
losing my hair
fear
job struggles

No, my biggest battle is with:

LOSS OF CONTROL OVER MY OWN LIFE

And that one I am struggling with mightily today...

I've cried 4 times over it today...

Because when you have cancer you are at the mercy of your body and the chemicals they are pouring into it...and to what those chemicals and those cancer cells are doing to your body...

My schedule is not my own: it is based on when my next infusion is...

I literally planned when I wanted to go see a musical another high school is doing based on when I will feel ok after chemo...heck my doctor and I planned my entire chemo schedule around me being able to work on our show...literally she pulled out a calendar and worked backwards from our show dates so I would be able to be there...

I plan when I can go run errands based on the fact that many times by the time 3 o'clock rolls around I have zero energy...

And it's not just my schedule---I literally don't know how I am going to feel each day when I wake up...and I hate that feeling...

I literally feel powerless and out of control...

And that...that is truly the hardest part of all of it...

it's not easy to have tubes stuck in me that are for feeding poison into my body but that is actually easier than having to cancel my spin class because I don't have the energy to go...

I hate cooking dinner and it ends up tasting funky to me because chemo is making my taste off...

I hate needing a nap in the middle of the day because I am too tired to go on

I hate having to ask for help

oh yeah that one is a big one because I am used to being the helper not the one who needs the help...

So it's a whole lot of stuff going on with my body but mostly it's the stuff going on in my head that makes all of this difficult...

So now that I am here having a big old pity party for myself what can I offer you my readers that might give you something to hold on to after reading all my complaints?

It's this...

sometimes we have to surrender...

we have to wave the white flag...

we have to accept...

we have to understand that we must alter our course sometimes...

we have to change our plans...

we have to go down a path we don't want to...

we have to let things happen that we don't like...

we have to---LET IT GO

I don't do any of that very well...

I am a planner and a do'er...

I am the one who gives instead of receives...

It's not easy to just step back from what we want to do and say "ok, I'll give it up"...

Every Sunday I sign up for my spin classes...I have such hope...and then each day I have to cancel the class because I feel to crappy to attend...or I have to give up the time I would use to spin to go to the grocery store or do some other menial task...

But each Sunday I have hope when I sign up that I will get on that bike...

So we have to have hope...and we have to be flexible when things don't go as planned.

This is an old lesson we all know...we all have stumbles and hurdles in life that make things go awry...I'm not the only person in this world who has had her life altered by circumstances beyond her control.

We all do...

And maybe your hurdle and stumbling block isn't cancer but rather a car that won't start...

or the ride your kid was getting home so you could do something fell through...

or your flight gets cancelled...

whatever it is, sometimes we have to surrender and give up control and it's never easy whether it is a cancelled flight or cancer

it's how we handle it all that gives us grace and strength

I have to keep reminding myself that this too shall pass and one day in the future I will get back to exercising 5 days a week, washing and styling my hair, having energy for 14 hour days and food will taste like it should...

but right now---it's not happening that way

The other day a dear friend reminded me that there should be some lemonade from the lemons I have been handed...

and she's right...

except for me that lemonade is gonna be a lemontini (lemon martini) and I will find a way to toast the lemons that made that delicious drink possible

So many hard things have to happen before the sweetness can come...

I have to endure things I never planned on or thought I would do

I never imagined that I would have cancer and have to surrender so much of myself to it...

I never thought I would have poison put in my body to heal me

But through it all:

I'll live...

I'll survive...

I'll ride again...

and I will forgive myself the times that I feel that life is unfair and I'm tired of being brave...

and then I will go find the damn lemons and make that drink...

Inspiration Song: "Cruel to be Kind" by Nick Lowe...or the cute version by "Letters to Cleo" from " 10 Things I Hate About You"...it actually comes from Hamlet: "I must be cruel, only to be kind: Thus bad begins and worse remains behind.".  That's what the chemo is...it's the cruel part but it will be kind and cure me...

Bye Darlings....don't be cruel to be kind to others but when cruel things happen to you try and find the kindness and goodness about your situation...I"m still looking for the good in this cancer and maybe part of it s a lesson in giving up control...who knows but whatever it is I will work toward acceptance...