Sunday, February 26, 2017

Chained to the Rhythm

Hello Darlings!

So it's been 48 hours since the last bit of poison from chemo #4 dripped into my body...

Today is the day where I basically shun human contact and lay around and sleep a lot...and tomorrow will basically be the same and then sometime on Tuesday I will start to feel "normal" (whatever "normal" is) again and come out of my cocoon of laziness....

It's a pattern that hasn't deviated since chemo #1 in December...

But the good news is my doctor is pleased with how my tests are looking (yea!  tests I can pass!!!!) and my CA125 numbers are down in the normal zone...last test was 25 which was down from the mid-400's after surgery...

but Dr. Rockstar wants my number to be more like 10-15 instead of 25 so----CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!!

Come on body...let's do this and be teacher's pet and get that CA125 so low we blow Dr. Rockstar away with our greatness...

In case you aren't familiar with what I mean by a CA125 blood test, here is the Mayo Clinic definition:

CA 125 test measures the amount of the protein CA 125 (cancer antigen 125) in your blood. A CA 125 test may be used to monitor certain cancers during and after treatment. In some cases, a CA 125 test may be used to look for early signs of ovarian cancer in women with a very high risk of the disease.

I never thought a blood test would mean so much to me again in my life...

back in the days when I was wanting to start a family the blood tests that determined if I was pregnant and if the baby was thriving meant everything to me.  I had an ectopic pregnancy and a miscarriage before I was blessed with my daughter and son and each time they drew blood for me I prayed that the baby inside me was there and thriving...

now I pray that I am here and thriving...and that those numbers are going down to show that the cancer is going away...

I like a challenge so I am hoping in 3 weeks when I see her again my numbers are lower and maybe that means I won't have to have radiation...

because the thought of poison going into my body is bad enough...making me radioactive and radiating what is left of my female organs does not sound like much fun at all so I say let's pray hard that we can skip that step of my journey...

My life has changed so much from a year ago...tomorrow I will "celebrate" the anniversary of the day I asked my ex husband for a divorce.

You might find the word "celebrate" to be an odd choice for how I feel about February 27 but I do celebrate it...it's the day I took my life back.  And until I am declared cancer free, other than my kids' birthdays it is the most important day of the year to me.

One day I will take my life back again...when I am no longer chained to the rhythm of doctor's appointments and chemo treatments...

I'm glad I am no longer with my ex.

He's not a bad man.

He's just not the man for me...

and now as I go through this process I am very glad I am no longer married to him...he would have handled this terribly...

He was never very nice about anything medical with me...when I had knee surgery he bullied me into giving up my crutches too soon and I undid what the doctor had done.  He just isn't supportive on medical stuff.  When my son was 2 days post surgery he was supposed to come here to help him so I could go to yoga and the grocery store...

but he was too busy playing with his girlfriend to show up on time and kept our son waiting over 2 hours for help and his pain meds...(I left the house fully expecting that he would be passing me on my way down the street as he arrived to take over for a few hours)

and yes the bear I turned into when I found out how he didn't think it was a big deal that he was so late was a monstrous one...

nothing is ever his fault and he comes first...

so yeah, I don't need that kind of negativity around me at this time so I am thrilled that I don't have to deal with him and cancer...he was already a cancer to my happiness when we were married so I'm very glad I don't have him around right now...

I would love to have a partner during this time...I am the kind of woman who appreciates being loved and cared for but truthfully I love fussing over others more than receiving it myself.  But there are days and nights it would be nice to have a man to take care of me and tell me that despite my thinning hair I am still pretty and that my weight gain from the steroids isn't making me less attractive.

If you have ever been through a real trial without a partner you know what I am saying...

Cancer is hard enough to deal with when you have a partner...it's not doubly hard without one...it's far more...

The first night I went to sleep after chemo I was afraid...but my kids were home so it was ok...

The second round I was alone at home...

I worried that if I got sick and needed help the cats weren't going to be of much use.

Dragon doesn't handle sickness very well and Zulu is a lot like my ex and he tends to just ignore that I am having trouble and he just wants attention.  Seringa just lays there being sweet...

There is a rhythm to my recovery but things don't always happen the same way each time...or not such that you can depend on it...

I have yet to have serious nausea and any vomiting but the fatigue has gotten worse with each round...

I'm not entirely helpless when I am recovering but little things like taking out the trash are a bit harder...

hey I am just happy today that I brushed my hair and teeth and got clothes on my body...

48 hours after Taxol and Carboplatin that is a "win" people...

Doing it alone isn't easy but frankly there are only a few humans I want to be around when I feel like this...

and I know some of you are siting there thinking "how does she know it isn't better to be alone? " or "a partner doesn't mean it's better" (yes, i have had similar comments on FB) but the fact of the matter is for ME I do wish I had someone who loves me to help me through this....

it's lonely...

it's scary...

it's hard...

FOR ME....

no judgement here from me if you are dealing with hardship on your own and don't want the love and help of a partner but I do have days like today when I wish I did...

just as long as that person isn't my ex...

I waited too long to leave him...I just lived in a pattern of unhappiness that kept me from breaking free but one day I finally did and I am so glad I no longer am married to him...

I stayed fat as a way to cloak my unhappiness and feared that he might be the only person to ever love me...

and maybe he is...

here I am 6 years later and there is no man in sight on the horizon...nor has there been except for one very brief time I prefer not to discuss...

I stayed with him out of the fear of being alone...

and now I am alone but I can honestly say it's ok...not great....not perfect...not how I would like it to be...

but I would rather be alone, even with this cancer, than with him...

I've learned from all of this that staying in a marriage, friendship, job, or situation that makes you unhappy and doesn't serve you is not doing you any good...

I've let go of friendships over the last year because they are toxic people to me...or maybe our friendship was on life support and the plug needed pulling...but in any case struggling to keep a relationship is NOT a relationship...

we shouldn't be chained to things just because we are afraid to change...

I don't love being divorced but it's better than being with the wrong person...

Change doesn't have to be a big thing like divorce...

we can shake up our lives in a positive way by just making little changes....

change your diet
change your workout
change your path to work
change your favorite hangout
change the channel...

get out of the rut that keeps you chained in place and find a way to feel free...

Cancer has freed me in many ways...

I know now I won't settle...I'm getting a second chance at life and I don't plan to waste it.

I will surround myself with positivity and people who make me feel good and happy...people I don't have to struggle to be in sync with and enjoy the company of...

I'm not chained to my life...

And soon I won't be chained to cancer...

so I'm gonna break up with all the chains that keep me from flying and I plan to soar...

because the only thing I want to be chained to is the rhythm---OF LIFE

Inspiration Song: "Chained to the Rhythm" by Katy Perry....because I love her!!! And I love the song...

Lyrics;
Are we crazy?
Living our lives through a lens
Trapped in our white-picket fence
Like ornaments
So comfortable, we live in a bubble, a bubble
So comfortable, we cannot see the trouble, the trouble
Aren't you lonely
Up there in utopia
Where nothing will ever be enough?
Happily numb
So comfortable, we live in a bubble, a bubble
So comfortable, we cannot see the trouble, the trouble
Ah, so put
Your rose-colored glasses on
And party on
Turn it up, it's your favorite song
Dance, dance, dance to the distortion
Turn it up, keep it on repeat
Stumbling around like a wasted zombie
Yeah, we think we're free
Drink, this one is on me
We're all chained to the rhythm
To the rhythm to the rhythm
Bye Darlings...move to your own rhythm and break the chains that hold you in places where you can't be free...


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