I Want to Break Free

Hello Darlings,

Today is my 6th birthday...

I declared February 27 to be my "other" birthday a few years ago...because it is the day I woke up and was reborn because I asked my husband for a divorce...

I blogged about it last year:

http://shrinkingviolettheblog.blogspot.com/2016/02/miss-independent.html

and touched on it on yesterday's blog but it's still on my mind today...

it's not a day I have an ounce of regret about...

I still think leaving my husband was the smartest, bravest, and most loving thing I have ever done for myself.

I sat on the couch in our study and calmly looked at him and said:

"I want a divorce"

and he agreed...

I've never regretted those 4 words.

He's not a bad man...he's just not MY man.

I don't miss him but I miss the idea of a man in my life...

I don't miss having him across the table from me but I do miss having a man to cook for...

I don't miss him in the bed next to me but I do miss having a man to hold me when I sleep

I don't miss coming home to him but I do miss having someone other than cats greet me...

I don't miss HIM at all...

I had fallen out of love with him years before but was to afraid to move forward without him...because I didn't feel like a real adult...

Now, having been a single mom for 6 years and fighting cancer alone I do feel very much like a grown up...

I feel more like an old lady than a 6 year old but today I will revel in being 6...

there might be some champagne next to me right now...

Divorce and cancer have taught me a lot over these last few years.  I was an "adult" for 25 years before I think I really became a true adult.

No longer a woman who let someone else tell her how and what to think and no longer a woman who felt stupid for not knowing something.

I did try for many years:

I tried to find the love I once had for him
I tried to stay for my kids' sake
I tried to stay with him because I was scared of being alone
I tried to stay with him because I made a vow before God
I tried to stay with him because I was afraid no one would ever love me again
I tried to stay with him so I could stay in my house
I tried to stay with him so my children didn't bounce between houses

But it also meant:
I wasn't myself
I was miserable
I resented him being in the same room
I was tired of faking it
I was tired of pretending
I was tired of not being loved
I was tired of being someone who let someone else think for her
I was tired of not being appreciated for who I was
I was tired of not being appreciated for what I did


I thought about it for weeks...months...years...

but finally on that day I had the courage to find my voice and let myself be heard and I have never spent a second regretting it....

I don't advocate leaving your spouse unless you really have to but I will say that leaving a situation that no longer serves you is the most loving thing you can do for yourself.

I am a believer in giving your all to others....to serve others and to love others...to give of yourself...

the gift of yourself is more precious than gold and worth more than money...

but sometimes you have to say "enough" and move on...

that goes for romantic and friend relationships...

Remaining stuck because you are too afraid to move is not serving you or anyone else in your life...

Having cancer is now teaching me to take each moment as it comes...to seize each moment and to not wait until tomorrow to have joy...

If I wait until "the next time" or "in the future" it just might be too late...I might miss the moment I should have.

I don't want anyone I know to miss their moments...

yes, for sure hard and long consideration should come before life changing things like divorce and having kids or moving to a new city--- but it's the simple things we should not wait on...

or the things we know we must do...

when we know we must not wait longer...

or to just seize the moment...
eat the ice cream...
say yes to the coffee date...
go to the party...
buy the shoes...
try the recipe...
give away the clothes...
get on the spin bike...
run in the rain...
get the bangs...
color the hair pink...
buy the new bed...
put on the red lipstick...
have dessert first...
open the champagne...
walk out of the boring movie...
leave the party and go to the coffee shop...
buy the car...
book the vacation...
go see the Eiffel Tower...
take the class...
start the book...
run further than yesterday...
kiss the girl...
sit in front of the painting and let it soak in...
take the new job...
go to the new city...
put on the red dress not the black one...
wear the ballet flats and not the heels so you can walk...
tell the handsome guy next to you in the grocery line hello...
smile at the hot guy/girl at the gym...
drink the martini...
adopt the dog or cat...
buy the pretty lingerie for YOURSELF...
take a different path to work...
turn left instead of right...

open your heart to possibility...

even if possibility means change...

Break free from what holds you down or back...

be a balloon and soar where the wind takes you...don't stay tied to the fence...

6 years ago today I changed my life for me and my kids and yes, for my ex...

I broke free....

I felt like a balloon adrift in the heavens but the sky was blue and cloudless and the wind was gentle so I drifted instead of being blown off course...

and now, as that gentle breeze still keeps me aloft I know I am free...

Inspiration Song: "I Want To Break Free" by Queen...because sometimes we need Freddy to tell us what to do...

Bye Darlings---celebrate my birthday with me by doing something that lets you break free----even if it just means you eat the extra bit of ice cream in the pint...