Centerfold

Disclaimer:  I am writing this blog while watching the Grammy Awards and highly distracted...not to mention that I really need a shower and probably to go to bed...I have only had one glass of wine...but this is keeping me off of eBay to write this so here we go...oh and this is really more for the ladies)

I. Love. Lingerie.

I never did before...

I mean I sorta did years ago before kids but not really...every once in a while I would get thin and hit Victoria's Secret but not with the fervor I am feeling these days.

For years I have been obsessed with Agent Provocateur Lingerie and La Perla lingerie but in my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine spending $170 on a pair of knickers (hey, if you are going to buy British panties they are KNICKERS) or $220 for a bra.

Not that I have...

Or ever will...

The closest I have ever gotten to Agent Provocateur was wearing the perfume.  I discovered it 10 years ago and next to Angel it is probably my favorite scent.  It's hard to find and one that most women can't wear but it seems to work on me.  Out of the bottle it smells totally "old lady" but once on it is soooo sexy...when I wear it I imagine that I am some 1940's "doll" sitting at my dressing table wearing my satin tap pants and camisole as I dress and roll on my stockings...

sigh...

yes, it is that kind of scent...

But that was all I could ever wear of Agent Provocateur (AP)...just the perfume...

Once I ventured into the Vegas store to buy another bottle.  I was hugely fat then (see photo from previous blog) and the shop girls just stared at me...

Now if you haven't been into an AP store before, it is not quite like a Victoria's Secret.  All the shop girls at the AP stores have a uniform of a pink dress that looks a bit like something a waitress in the 50's would wear at a diner.  They also have a black dress but the pink thing is the iconic look.  The whole store is black and pink and smells of a boudoir...it's a super sexy place...they make VS look like JC Penney...this is literally (to me) the sexiest stores in the world...

And the lingerie...

heaven

well, heaven for the super rich...or those who think nothing of spending $200 on a garter belt.

So when the shop girl asked the huge fat chick (me) if she could help I'm sure she was terrified...

I told her I wanted a bottle of the perfume...

and she gulped...

I mean, like I could literally tell she gulped with relief that she wasn't going to have to find some gentle way to inform me that there was literally nothing in the store I could wear OTHER than the perfume.

Now you would think all of that would deter me from wanting to ever own their lingerie, but bear in mind a few things:
1) I knew I was fat and couldn't wear anything there
2) I just wanted to go in there even if I couldn't buy anything but perfume
and
3) I know I am never going to buy a pair of $170 knickers...

But oh, the stuff is breathtaking...

gossamer garter belts...

silk bras with lace that is exquisite...

thongs with tiny silk bows that literally look like they are made of butterfly wings

just google it...

and you will also sigh...

that is if you are a lingerie fan...

It's like the La Perla stuff from Italy...which is also breathtaking and gorgeous and far more expensive than I can afford...

I can't justify I pair of panties that cost more than any shoes I have in my closet

But lately I just can't wait until the swelling goes down and I no longer look like "Bloat" from Finding Nemo or the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters (it depends on how I am swelling that day...if it is all in the middle I am soooo Bloat).

And I need the boobs to drop and settle so I can see what true size I will be...

But I have a longing to buy beautiful lingerie to adorn myself with

Not that I have anyone to wear it for but I do so like to decorate myself!

I want silk chemises...

and little silk and lace teddies

and silk tap pants and camisoles

and gorgeous bras with lace and bows

and a long bias cut silk 1940's movie star gown and robe

and maribou mules

and corsets...lots and lots of corsets

and flirty little baby dolls

things made of silk...and bows...and lace...and satin...and bling...

Things I have no reason to wear...and no man with a big ass truck to wear them for...

But oh I do want them...

I have made a few purchases...I did find a beautiful not terribly expensive silk chemise with eyelash lace from the "Harriet" line from Fredericks of Hollywood...it is gorgeous..and when I put it on I felt pretty and womanly...

I think I deserve to sleep in silk once a week even if I have to handwash it...so I bought it...

And as I type this I have gotten emails that I have won 2 items on eBay...I am now the proud owner of a La Perla bra and I did find a pair of AP knickers that were priced more like VS...I love pretty things but I hate paying full price so if they are "new with tags" I will purchase them from eBay...

But I am thinking that next time I am in Vegas I think I will return to that AP store in Caesar's shopping arcade and not just pick up a bottle of perfume.

I might just tell the gal there "I want a bra and panties' and go have fun trying it on...

And maybe if I have been lucky at the black jack table (that's what I do...I make a deal with myself that I will "win" enough to buy something specific and then I stop once I have the $)...

or if I am with a man who drives a big ass truck who feels like decorating me...

well, maybe I will buy me a pair of $170 knickers...

hmmmm....

probably not...that's like 2 pairs of Michael Kors shoes on sale at DSW...but it will be fun to try it on and feel like I live like that...

And in the meantime I will troll eBay and see if I can't find me a little something to put away for "someday"...

Someday when I am not bloated...

Someday when a man who drives a big ass truck (who deserves me) is in my life and worthy

Someday when I just need to feel pretty

I have a drawer set aside for it...

And I will feel like a centerfold...albeit a soccer mom centerfold...but nonetheless I will feel pretty and sexy...and even if I am the only one who knows I am wearing an Italian baby blue bra with gorgeous lace under my t-shirt...well that would make ANY girl feel like a pin-up girl...

And that is a lesson for all of us women...sometimes we need a little pretty in our lives...a little something that makes us feel like we have that little "oomph" to ourselves.

If you are married or have a man in your life I am making a bet right here and now that if you pull out a little silk and lace he will clean the kitchen for you or go get the oil changed in your suburban.

Go ahead...make that bet with me...

I could use the money for my lingerie fund...

I will win...

You put on a little corset or a chemise or baby doll and that garage is going to get reorganized next weekend...

it works every time...

and if you are a woman with a woman in your life...well, she won't complain I promise...and I'm betting you will have her help with cleaning out the pantry...

It's valentines day ladies...so go to your nearest "pretty little things" shop and treat yourself and your Significant Other in your life...find something that makes you feel beautiful...a bra...panties...a thong...a corset...a baby doll...a new robe...

And even if you just do it for yourself, slipping on a little silk brings out the "Marilyn" in us all...and we all need to find our inner Marilyn...

OK, I am ending this and taking a shower and going to bed before I troll eBay anymore...and I'm going to put on that silk chemise and have sweet dreams...of a pink and black lingerie store that has things I can actually wear and not look like a total fright in...

and that is what sweet dreams are made of...oh but that is another blog...

Inspiration Song: "Centerfold" by the J. Giels Band...remember that?  "my angel is the centerfold"...JayVee reminded me of it the other day...nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nanna nanna nah naaaah....

Bye Darlings...bring out your inner Marilyn...she was the ultimate Centerfold...find your inner sexy and splurge on yourself...you might just get the attic reorganized...or new tires on your SUV...