Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Say My Name divorce blog has sooooo many readers...

Really, people?

Don't you have anything better to do than to read my crazy musings?

Actually it thrills me that you care...and that ANYONE reads what I write.

I write for therapy...the fact that anyone reads it at all is just the whipped cream on the sundae.

Have you noticed I usually use food references when I can? Fat girl just can't stop thinking about food...

So I'm divorced and I have taken my maiden name back.

Now lest you think I was cavalier about it, please know that I thought long and hard about it.

At first I wasn't going to do it. But then I started thinking about continuing to spell that name...and to write out all those letters...and to constantly have people mispronounce and not be able to spell it and I just thought...

why not go back to my maiden name?

it's easy...and no one mispronounces it...or has trouble spelling it...and Anice is hard enough so why not?

No more people stumbling over my name...although I always know when I am about to be called in a waiting room because the person doing the name calling will say: "A-neeeece D....." and it never comes out right...most of the time I can tell they are going to call me because they just stand there and try to figure out how to say Anice as well...

So I asked my kids about it.

I did it seperately so as not to let one lead the other.

I asked Ke$ha Barbie first...and I made sure she was not in Satan mode at the time.

Her answer: "Mom I could care less...I don't give a damn what your name is...why not...go ahead...its easier..."

My son was a bit sweeter...his answer: "it doesn't change that you are my are my mom no matter what your name is...and I"m stuck with this name for the rest of my life. If you can get rid of it, go ahead!"

I told a friend of mine I was toying with changing back to my maiden name. He said "honey, it is who you it". Good advice...and he is is who I am.

So I changed my name...or rather I am in the process of changing my name.

It is a monumental pain in the patootie but I don't IS my name. I was born with this name so why not?

I don't know if I will marry again...and if I do, I don't know if I will take his name. I might if it is a good and easy to spell and pronounce name (hahahaha) and if he feels strongly about it. But I might not...I might just stay who I am...and who knows if I WILL ever marry again.

I also refuse to date anyone who's last name begins with an "S".

I told my friend David this last spring...he asked "why?"

I told him very simply that I was an old-fashioned girl who liked to have things monogrammed. And being so I did not want to be the girl who had "A-S-S" on her towels...

Because that would be my monogram if I married a guy who's last name begins with an "S".

So if you are Sasquatch (gross and hairy), or have no job, or your last name begins with "S"...sorry date for you with me...

I mean, I gotta have standards...and I want my towels and luggage to have a nice monogram.

My first name is hard enough to deal with...I told you about my friend Paige thinking my name was "Anus"...I get that a lot.

Once, in college, I had a wild professor for economics. It was a HUGE class of over 250 people. The professor thought it was fun to spend the first class trying to guess what face in the crowd matched a name.

I was in class with my friend who shall just be known as HRS III...those were his initials. His name sounded pretty classy. He was a very very very pretty guy. We were great buddies...none of my sorority sisters believed we were just friends (how could I be friends with such a hottie and we spent a lot of time together but I had a boyfriend and he had a girlfriend...they just weren't in College Station).

So anyway, me an HRS III are in class. His name comes before mine...usually right before because our names were pretty similar.

Prof says "HRS III...I bet you are from Dallas...and I bet you are wearing a starched button down with a monogram on the sleeve...and khakis...and topsiders or boots...and I bet you are the good looking guy in the pink shirt up there".

He was.

I fell on the floor laughing.

Literally slipped outta my desk and fell on the floor laughing.

I was crying I was laughing so hard.

I was rolling on the floor.

He looks at me and says "get up...I see your panties...stop will get yours".

Sure enough...

I got mine.

Prof calls my name...

He says "Helen....Helen Anus Shelton"

Um...yeah...that is sorta me...

I didn't give him time to figure out what face in the crowd I was.

I stood up (and straightened out the miniskirt I had rumpled up while rolling on the floor and showing my underpants) and yelled at him....

"First off, my name is not HELEN. Nor is is ANUS. You got the Shelton part right. I go by Anice....A-neeece. Got it?"

I sat back down.

Silence in the classroom.

Then HRS III busts out laughing...

So did the prof...he didn't stop for a full minute...and then he said something about "Anus would have been funnier"...

We got along just fine.

Lucky for me when I graduated the guy calling the names came to me and asked how to pronounce it and he did it right.

But yes, I do occasionally get called "Anus".

I take it in stride...because I know I am a sweet thing (most of the time) angel (as one friend calls me)...and I am most certainly NOT an asshole...

So when you see me by my name...I LOVE my name...

While driving back from the courthouse with the most amazing lawyer in the world (Randall him if you need a family lawyer) we were playing with the "Siri" feature on his phone. He told Siri to text me "tell her that her name is now Shelton".

I got the text...Siri did it just right.

I'm saving that text forever...because it is my name...and that wonderful man made it happen for me...and how many people can say that they truly love their lawyer? I do...I really do...and I love his wife. I have a friend who says he hates lawyers...I told him he needs to meet Randy and he will change his mind.

Randy Wilhite rocks...say his name if you need a lawyer...

Inspiration Song: "Say My Name" by Destiny's Child...cause I like people to say my new/old name that is...

Bye Darlings...say my name when you see sounds really really really good to me...

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