What they heck is going on...
I've had more pageviews on my last 2 blogs in a 48 hour period than most of my blogs get in over a week...
DON'T YOU PEOPLE HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO THAN READ ABOUT ME AND MY DIVORCE?
Ok, I'm kidding...
Because it really thrills me...
If I can't sit on the couch with Oprah and discuss my book, at least here I can feel like someone is listening to me in some way.
And you know I love an audience.
I really thought I might have a panic attack when the divorce was final...or after it was final. I worried that I would be driving down the street and suddenly I would have to pull over and stop so I could start breathing again.
I'm driving just fine and so far my breathing is normal...except for when I am on the spin bike and then I am breathing hard and fast...which I should be...
I worried that I would wake up in the morning and wonder what the hell I had done...or wake up in the middle of the night and panic and be unable to get back to sleep.
I wake up just fine...tired maybe cause I went to bed too late because I like to watch Jimmy Kimmel or because Ke$ha Barbie has kept me up...but I wake up just fine and ready to go to the gym...and no waking up at 3 AM with a panic attack.
I worried that suddenly I would panic and get afraid and start eating everything in sight.
I"m eating good and healthy...actually my weight is sliding down again.
So no panic attacks, no lack of sleep, no bad eating.
I'm at peace with what has happened. It actually went down better than I thought it would.
So where do I go from here?
I'm single...47, divorced with 2 kids, and single.
I live in a house that is really too big for me...and certainly too big for when Ke$ha Barbie leaves and it is just me and The Cutest Boy in the World (and I only get him part time).
I drive a Suburban that is almost 10 years old...and it's not doing too well...and boy does it eat gas.
I don't have a job but need one...and there is not a whole lot I am qualified to do.
I have a daughter headed off to college and a son going to high school in the fall.
I really don't know where my life is going.
But am I worried?
I do sorta have a game plan. And I have some help.
I have my new church and I think Pastor Kenny and Pastor Scott are really helping me to examine my heart and take a good inventory of myself. And I'm learning a lot from them. And I feel I am growing closer to God, growing spiritually, and making myself a better person...and doing the hard work NOW so when I do meet a really nice man who drives a big ass truck I am the person he is looking for.
I"m going to sell my house. I'm not ready right this minute, but hey, if you know someone who wants my house, send 'em on to me and let's save on the realtor fees!
And I DO know where I want to go after I sell this place...I have a neighborhood all picked out and I know I can afford it and it will be just perfect for me an TCBITW...and Ke$ha Barbie when she comes to visit...if she comes to visit...
I'm going to look for a job...I don't know what I can do but if there is a job that let's me nurture, shop, cook, dry tears, kiss and hug and love on kids, and take care of people then I am perfect.
That is a WIFE and MOTHER.
And right now I have one of those jobs already and I'm not sure I want the first one at all...well, maybe some day.
Ok, let's reboot that problem and try and solve it again...I'm not sure what I am qualified for but I will figure it out. And I'll find a way to get paid for my (limited) talents.
Let's see...what I am good at besides cooking, and nurturing, etc.?
I can teach a spin class...but that won't pay the bills...but it would be fun.
I am very good with putting clothes together...I can shop...and I am very good at menswear. So maybe I need to try and work at Nordstrom...except that I would spend my paycheck in the tbd department with Anndrea.
I am pretty good at remodeling things...and I have toyed with the idea of trying to flip houses. I have a great contractor so who knows...that could maybe work. I'd save more money if I could do some of the work myself but I don't see myself becoming a plumber anytime soon.
I'm good with kids...and I am still toying with the idea of a teaching degree. The problem is WHAT would I teach? I'm not safe with math or science...and heaven knows I can't speak proper English (or teach it)...and I certainly can't speak another language. I only speak "hick Texan"...no one wants that taught.
I like wine...well, that won't help...but it might help me AFTER work if I get a job.
Hmmmmm....this is gonna take more thought than I think I want to think about today,
At some point I will get the job, get a new house, and buy a new (old, used) car...or drive Ke$ha Barbie's big ass truck when she leaves for college...I wonder if a man who drives a big ass truck likes a woman who drives a big ass truck?
It will all work out...I know it will.
I have faith in God.
I have faith in myself.
I know my future lies ahead of me. And that I have learned from the mistakes I made in my past.
What happens now, in my present, will become my past and affect my future so I am going to live my life as well as I can...and be the best mom I can...and as good a friend as I can. And I'm going to keep getting and staying healthy and enjoying my workouts. And writing this blog...because you crazy people seem to like to read it.
And some day...in my future....when I am sitting in my new (old...like 50 years old) little house, with a new (old, used) little car in the driveway...and TCBITW is a high schooler, and Ke$ha Barbie is off to college...maybe I'll be sitting on the couch getting a foot rub from a very nice man who's big ass truck is in my driveway...and he's rubbing my feet while we watch "Modern Family" 'cause my feet hurt 'cause I've been working all day and cooked dinner too that he and TCBITW really liked...
well, that sounds pretty darn nice, doesn't it?
I mean, who doesn't want a foot rub?
Especially if the masseuse is a handsome man who drives a big ass truck...and put lilies in a vase on my table...and made TCBITW and I laugh at dinner...
Now that...that is a destination I would like to get to ....someday...
But I'm NOT in any hurry to get there...and for now I am going to enjoy the journey that takes me there.
Inspiration Song: "Destination Unknown" by Missing Persons. Dale Bozzio was the original Lady Gaga...and I'm sure Lady Gaga was heavily influenced by Dale's styling...just watch the video for Destination Unknown and Words on Youtube and you will see...Gaga has nothing on Dale...and it makes a great song for spin...
Bye Darlings...my destination may be unknown but the ride there sure will be fun!