Tuesday, March 6, 2012



It became final yesterday.

I'm divorced.

You know, I thought that might feel weird to say but it doesn't.

I guess because I wanted it. A lot.

My EX-husband is a nice man. He is a great father. He was not a BAD husband, he just wasn't the man for me. We made each other miserable. And I realized that we were both too young and had too much life ahead of us to stay miserably with each other.

My kids are fine...in fact, they are better than fine. The knew it (that we needed to divorce) before we did.

I'm sorry that they now have 2 homes and that Christmas is split between 2 parents, but they will survive.

I did.

I don't look at my marriage as a failure on my part. I look at it as successful for 24 years (well, really more like 10 with 14 more spent trying).

Square peg.

Round hole.

That is what we are/were.

But we made and raised two awesome children. And he helped me to grow up.

And grow out.

I was fat because I was miserable.

Friends who know me well now see how much happier I am and how much I am enjoying my life. And I do...I love my life.

I am happy with how my life is now. I am happier going to bed alone than with him beside me. I am happier cooking for 3 than 4 because I am just cooking for me and my kids. I am happier waking up in the morning with the cat as my companion.

Do I want someone n the other side of the bed?


But this time that side of the bed will be occupied by someone who is a better fit. Someone who is the person who brings me joy, brings me lilies, watches Modern Family with me, knows I need to be kissed and held and told "I love you" often.

Someone who drives a big ass truck.

I can wait for that person...no rush there...I want it to be the "right" person...and I want the person who is looking for me...like Pastor Kenny said...

So yesterday I stood before the judge and got my life...and my maiden name...back.

As for my maiden name, well if you know my former married name you know that it contains an excessive amount of vowels and is impossible to read and pronounce. When you add it to my already hard-to-pronouonce first name, well you get some really interesting pronunciations...

I think my favorite was:

Anus Buttshaver

No lie...my friend Paige...and yes, that is her name....thought that my name was Anus Buttshaver.

I only forgave her because she had 5 kids in 6 years. No lie...

So I got my maiden name back.

It took me less than 10 minutes for the judge to say I was divorced and back to my maiden name.

It really took 1 year and 7 weeks...and 7 hours of mediation to get myself unraveled.

It also took money.

A lot of money.

I may have spent less on my wedding in 1986.

No lie.

but that's ok. My lawyer and his staff are the most amazing lawyer and staff ever. If you need the GREATEST family lawyer in Houston use Randall (Randy) Wilhite.

He's the bomb.

His paralegals Bobby and Grady are the bomb too.

Yes, that is their real names because I want you to call them if you need them. I have the number on speed dial.

Randy has promised me "one free badass prenup" that comes with the divorce.

Part of me wants to take him up on the offer (because it means I will marry again) and part of me hopes I don't need to (because I hope to marry forever and not have to worry about things).

I spent a year planning my wedding...and a year working on my divorce.

I met my lawyer through a friend. Actually I knew Randy's wife for several years. We were at a party last April for a friend and another friend reminded me that Randy was a divorce lawyer. I walked over...introduced myself and said:

"your hired"

That was the start of a beautiful friendship.

The man was amazing. And his staff was amazing.

So yesterday, when we stood before the judge it was not a bad moment in my life.

Just before going up before the judge Randy told me that he had represented the judge's wife in her divorce...from the judge...but that the judge did not hold it against him and they were friends. Sure enough, he was right.

As I stood before the judge I remembered the very very young 21 year old bride that stood before an Episcopalian priest and promised "until death do us part" before God, my family, and friends.

I meant it...

I did.

With all of my 21 year old heart.

But my 47 year old heart wants to be with someone else...or alone...but not with him.

So I stood before the judge, answered my lawyer's questions, and remembered that very young bride who stood in an ivory silk gown (sooooo poofy and big...so 80's). For my divorce hearing I wore a green fitted dress and my mama's silk jacket...and big stilettos.

Then my ex's lawyer had to ask a very silly question:

"Are you pregnant or is there any chance you could be pregnant?"

Now Randy had prepared me for everything but he forgot about that little bombshell. Seems that every woman gets asked that question.

So I looked her in the eye and said:

"Absolutely 100% not! And if I was I would be in an insane asylum and not here!'

The judge laughed. And she was embarrassed she had to ask but it was required. We got a good giggle about it.

Then the judge asked me when my marriage ended.

I asked him: "to define ended".

He laughed...he said "give me an idea of when you ended your marriage".

I looked him in the eye and said:

"Well really it was 15 years ago but if you need to know when I told him I was done that was last February and he moved out in April but we were not living as man and wife".

The judge cracked up.

My lawyer loved it.

The judge said that my divorce was granted and that I got my maiden name back.

I all but danced out of the courtroom.

Randy said I was awesome...so is he.

So that's it...I have the rest of my life ahead of me.

Behind me I have a marriage that lasted too long but I got 2 great kids from it so I don't regret it. I have a nice ex-husband. I hope he finds someone who appreciates all of his gifts.

So tomorrow, when Hot Guy at Gym comes in to chat me up I can tell him it's done...I think he's been waiting...and he gave me a hug and kiss for luck on Friday so I think he's gonna keep chatting me up...which is good since he's very pretty...

and he drives a big ass truck...

Inspiration Song: "D-I-V-O-R-C-E" by Tammy Wynette. I don't much care for country music, much less the old stuff, much less Tammy's stuff...but it fit...so here ya go...

Bye Darlings...I"m divorced...and I'm good with it...so please be good with it for me too...


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