Monday, November 15, 2010

My Best Theory

I worked out today despite the pulled muscle in my one told me not to so I did...hurts less today than yesterday but I'm not sure what Coach Dimples is going to do to me tomorrow so I may end up in traction...but I will confess the pulled muscle to him before he works me out.

So why all this talk about the glute being pulled and me not able to stop myself from working out?

I've given it a lot of thought over the past 24 hours and I have formulated a theory about it all.

Warning: some 4-letter words in this blog may offend some of you...

Let's start with THEORY:


the·o·ry   /ˈθiəri, ˈθɪəri/ Show Spelled[thee-uh-ree, theer-ee] Show IPA
1.a coherent group of general propositions used as principles of explanation for a class of phenomena: Einstein's theory of relativity.
2.a proposed explanation whose status is still conjectural, in contrast to well-established propositions that are regarded as reporting matters of actual fact.
3.Mathematics. a body of principles, theorems, or the like, belonging to one subject: number theory.
4.the branch of a science or art that deals with its principles or methods, as distinguished from its practice: music theory.
5.a particular conception or view of something to be done or of the method of doing it; a system of rules or principles.
6.contemplation or speculation.
7.guess or conjecture.

Ok, I'm not here to give an English lesson but I needed to start out with where I am coming from...because I have a theory about where I have been and where I am going and since I can't say for a FACT what is going to happen, it is THEORY...

What I am theorizing about is not so much WHY and HOW I got so fat, but WHY I have control issues...which is what led to me getting fat so I guess they are hand-in-hand.

THEORY: I have control issues. I have these issues because of my upbringing. I have trouble giving control over to anyone else so therefore I am not an easy person to deal with.

FACT: my father was a control freak and tried to control me
FACT: my mother did the opposite because she thought it would make me prefer her
FACT: I am the oldest of 9 children and told (always) that I had to be perfect
FACT: I had a step-mother that tried to control me as a means of controlling my father
FACT: my childhood pretty much sucked after my parents divorced

Oh, poor me...

Poor, poor me...


I had it way easier than other kids. I lived on a beautiful ranch. We had money. I got to travel. And despite the craziness, I had loving parents...

I wasn't ill...and no one else was really sick although my mother was bi-polar. So no cancer, no "just scraping by", no living in tenament housing.

I don't really have much to complain about...

except for the pressure...the pressure to be perfect...both brought on by my father and by myself.


I always felt I never had free will...and I had to be perfect...and I had to lead a good example...and I had to be...had to be...had to be...had to be whatever was demanded of me...

I rarely got to make a decision for myself and when I did, I was usually told I was wrong...or it wasn't the right thing to do...or I should change what I had done.

All children experience it.

But my father took away my choices and my freedom so much that when I got to college I went a little (a lot) crazy.

No one was telling me what to do...and if I didn't want to hear it, I just didn't answer the phone!

I settled down after a bit but for a while I was doing my level best to feel, taste, try and experience everything that had been denied me.

Some choices were very bad---smoking, drinking...

others led me to grow stronger...

But I have never rid myself of the need to be "perfect" except for with my body...

And I let my body go...because it was so much easier to just let that go than anything else...

So I gained 150 pounds.

That is more than most of you weigh...

So now I see myself as someone who needs to have control of my future.

I have a confession to make...I've become a slave to my scale. Sometimes I weigh myself more than once a day. Sometimes I weigh myself more than twice a day. Those numbers are becoming increasingly important to me as I approach a goal...a goal that will get me from my weight starting with the number "2"...

I get on that scale and will it to go down. I let that number determine what I eat and whether or not I am going to work out. If the number is down, I feel like I am doing good and need to stay the course. If the number is not down, I feel like I need to work harder.

This is craziness!

I know it borders on obession and some sort of disorder...really, I do...I'm not making light of it right now...this is a confession.

So that is why I am looking to others to help me with this...and right now it is poor Coach who is getting to do the heavy lifting. I told him the other day that he proably didn't realize that he was getting to be my therapist along with being my personal trainer but frankly I think the two go hand-in-hand.

I always need to be in the driver's seat...or telling the driver where to go...

But sometimes we need to let someone else help us...and that is hard for me.

And I have a hard time breaking my pattern of doing things that I think will get me where I want to go. I don't like to ask for help...I usually just do it myself. And I bully others into letting me help them.

Sometimes it works...I bullied my way into GOTT's life and work and I think he is ok and good with least he tells me so daily so I believe him...

But why am I so afraid to NOT get on the scale? (Dimples told me to put it away)
Why am I so afraid NOT to workout on a given day? (Dimples told me to take a day off---but he didn't tell me WHEN)
Why am I so afraid to eat something that might not be "just right"? (Dimples thinks I might not be eating right...and not ENOUGH)

I am not turning my life over to my trainer...nor does he expect me to or has asked me to...nor is it a condition of my it's not HIM...

It's ME...

I need to trust myself and my body that I can do this and move forward. I can make myself look and feel better but, as Dimples put it, the pyramids weren't built in a day so this is taking some time. And it is going to take more time than I want, but that is the way it is.

I am not a patient woman.

So what does the future hold for me?

Hopefully a size 8...

But I also hope it holds:
lower cholesterol
stronger heart
a fitter body
a longer life

But I might need to let someone else help me get there and I might need to listen to my body and take some time off every once in a while...and I might need to let go of a little control for the sake of getting to my goal since I don't know everything.

I know there isn't a lot of inspiration here...just me whining...but it is therapy to me to write this and examine myself in this way...and it is cleansing...

So Wednesday, I am taking the day off from working out...and I will wear the dreaded heart monitor all day...and I might even not get on the scale 2 or 3 times that day...and I will be ok with it...

And that size 8?

I theorize that I will be in it...someday...

It's not the destination...I'm in this for the journey...thanks for riding shotgun with me on this!

Inspiration Song: "My Best Theory" by Jimmy Eat World...totally love that song...especially the chorus and the line "my best theory is already in me" are the lyrics...great song...

It's been a long time, so long
There's only one life I know (I know)
But I have my own mind
I'll say so if it seems right

(Hey rush out)

I see your warm face with the soft mouth
But it speaks something else (else)
I'll take my chances with the cast down
We can feel the air

Rush out, out from the center
Not like one side is any better
Stand up as they've been preaching
My best theory is already in me
(already in me) In me

(We can feel, we can feel the air
Rush out)

So many questions
And the answers come back unanswered
(unanswered anekatips)
Let's hold the old script
It's a new twist
You can feel the air

Rush out, out from the center
Not like one side is any better
Stand up as they've been preaching
My best theory is already in me
(already in me)

In a lonely real place
Neither part nor mistake
Not what you had with your time

My doubt seems fine, my true desire
My threat, my appetite

My true desire

I feel the air!

Rush out, out from the center
Not like one side is any better
Stand up and escape and breach it
My best theory is already in me
Rush , out from the center
Not like one side is any better
Stand up as they've been preaching
My best theory is already in me
(In me)

Bye darlings...

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