Let's Hear it for the Boy

15 years ago God graced me with the most perfect gift ever...my son...

Today he turns 15...and it totally freaks me out.

I am asking myself all the cliche questions...

"Where did the time go?"

"How did he get so big?"

"How do I have a child who can DRIVE?' (learner's permit)

"Why is my toddler now a man?"

I will fully and readily admit (because I have witnesses to this) that...

I DID NOT WANT A BOY

I cried to some friends after my ultrasound that I was so unhappy I was having a boy...I liked girl things and girl stuff and not boy clothes and boy stuff...and...sports...

But I got over it in about a day and decided that my ex be damned (we were married at the time) that my boy was still going to wear sweet clothes and smocked little outfits...

And he did...

I had a fairly easy time with his labor.  Ke$ha Barbie took her own sweet time (it was an indicator of things to come) but he decided he was hungry and wanted out.

He was born at 1:43 in the afternoon...I do remember being slightly perturbed that his arrival was interrupting the end of "The Bold and the Beautiful" and that "As the World Turns" was going to be out of the question.

He was blasted out by a fair amount of Pitocin and a lot of pushing from his mother.

My OB, who is a friend of mine, spent the entire delivery dissecting the gowns worn by the actresses at the previous night's Oscar ceremony.  We voted Kim Basinger "worst dressed".  I am pretty sure it was the year of Titanic...

She placed him on my stomach and he proceeded to try and drag himself up my body to my breast.

My OB encouraged me to nurse him ...so I did...he was a hungry little baby...(it was an indicator of things to come).

Although I had an easy delivery with him, he was not an easy baby.  His sister was an easy baby...The Cutest Boy in the World (TCBITW) was not...

He only really liked me...

He hated hated hated car rides and that car seat basket thing...

And he had an ear infection every 3 weeks.

He was a miserable baby.

His father was not sure he was entirely fond of him.  I'm not sure I blamed him.

But once we got the ear tubes put in he was a different child...a happy sweet baby boy.

The screaming in the car was unnerving.  The only thing that seemed to calm him was for his sister to sing "Wide Open Spaces" by the Dixie Chicks to him.  I'm not kidding...

My mother bought him a new car seat and that seemed to help.  I think it was the angle that the other one sat him in...with all of the ear infections I think it put pressure on his ears...

One night I had a meeting and Ke$ha Barbie and TCBITW were under the care of their father.  I think my son was about 3-5 months old.

My ex was giving them a bath together.  He LEFT THE SIDE OF THE TUB TO GO AND ANSWER THE PHONE.

When he came back my son had slipped under the water...he was laying face up with 5 inches of water over him and Ke$ha Barbie happily splashing away (she was 5...and she swears that even though at that time she considered him to be her mortal enemy she did not wish him to drown).

His father scooped him up (he was under about 10 seconds maybe) and he was fine.

I still remind my ex of that at times...but only in a joking way...it would be hurtful to do so otherwise.

My ex had planned to keep it quiet...along with my mother as she was who was on the phone...but Ke$ha Barbie informed me of it the second I got home.

I got over it...and I got over the clothes stuff and the sports stuff too...

I love watching my son participate in any sport...I am sad he is no longer playing lacrosse because I really love watching it...and I have found my love for wrestling and I tolerate football (but if he gets another concussion he is DONE).

I could blog endlessly about how amazing and awesome I think my son (and daughter) are but who wants to read that?

I will tell you that he is smart, he is wise, he is handsome, he is funny, he is charming, and he is a total and complete nerd and I am just fine with it.

The only thing about him I would change is his addiction to Xbox...and maybe the way he enjoys passing gas in my car...

The Xbox thing is unnerving at times...he plays with a headset on and says the craziest things out loud...it's like he has Tourette's or something...

I think my favorite thing he ever said was:

"Don't kiss me, Mom! I'm trying to assassinate people here!"

I hope this is not an indication of things to come....

When he was little he had a thing about sleeves...and he still does...he can't stand to have long sleeves on.  When he was a toddler he would wave his arms around and say "I don't "wike" weeves" (I don't like sleeves).

He could most often be found with only one shoe on.  Or just one sock.  I have an awesome picture of that from my friend DivineDana.  Our sons were the best of friends and I have some truly amazing photos thanks to her photography skills.  Awesome pictures that will make excellent blackmail through the years.  My son loved and still loves her, her son, and her husband...and I am pretty sure he thinks that their daughter is gorgeous but he won't admit it because "ewww gross that is my friend's SISTER!"

His sister tortured him endlessly.  She used to claim he completely ruined his life.

I am happy to say they love each other now but for a while there I was pretty sure one of them was going to kill the other.

I'm not so sure she still isn't trying to kill him because she informed me she bought him (dead) grenades for his birthday at some Army/Navy surplus store.  She keeps assuring me they are harmless...and I am pretty sure he will love them.

Right now he wants an assault rifle more than anything in this world.  I think he has earned the undying love of my friend RoyBoy for that one...I told him that the only gun I was planning to purchase was a small handgun painted "Tiffany Blue"...that is much more me than an assault rifle...

He's not perfect but he comes close.

When I look at him I am filled with joy...it's like he's a Disney Movie or something...

he walks into a room and woodland creatures begin to come out, music plays, rainbows and flowers bloom, and the sun shines...

all because he walked into the room...

Every.Single.Time.

He has the most beautiful blue eyes.

He has one dimple (just like me)...I say it is where the angels kissed him before sending him down to me.

He hates vegetables (even though I craved only veggies when I was pregnant...maybe that was an indicator of things to come?)

He has blonde hair that gets so bleached out during the summer I call him "Q-tip"

He has always had a deep voice...

He's strong as an ox...but sweet and soft and sensitive...

He will make some woman a very lucky wife and he will be a wonderful father...I just pray that is decades or at least many many years away...

God knew what he was doing when he gave me a son...he gave me such a treasure...and I am so lucky to be his mother.

Inspiration Song: "Let's Hear it for the Boy" by Deniece Williams...from the "Footloose" soundtrack...you know when Ren teaches Willard how to dance...

Bye Darlings...let's hear it for my boy...he is 15 today...and let's hear it for all the boys (and girls) that God has blessed us with...

I Enjoy Being a Girl

Don't ask me why but when I was a child I was pretty much obsessed with this song...

The fact that it came from a musical about Chinese Americans and the cultural clash between the generations was lost on me...I just loved the song...

I knew it came from "Flower Drum Song" and I can tell you that without a doubt I have always been and will always be a HUGE Rogers and Hammerstein fan...

I can sing every word to every song in "Cinderella" and "The Sound of Music" and "Oklahoma" and I come pretty close with "South Pacific" and "The King and I".  Notsomuch with "Carousel" and "State Fair" and although I have seen the film version of "Flower Drum Song" this is the only song I know...well, this and "Chop Suey".

I am a big Lerner and Lowe fan too ("Camelot" and "My Fair Lady"...I have always been a musical theater nut...that is why I love and get along so well with GOTT and GOTTESS...

But this song...oh, it spoke to me then and it speaks to me now...

Because I have always enjoyed being a girl...always...

I used to sing this song while playing it on my RECORD PLAYER in my bedroom.  I could pantomime the entire song...and I especially loved the part that says:

"I talk on the telephone for hours with a pound and a half of cream upon my face"...

Here are most of the lyrics...because I am pretty sure that 99.99 % of you are unfamiliar (except for MarvelousMargaret...she can probably sing them all too):

When I have a brand new hairdo
With my eyelashes all in curl,
I float as the clouds on air do,
I enjoy being a girl!

When men say I'm cute and funny
And my teeth aren't teeth, but pearl,
I just lap it up like honey
I enjoy being a girl!

I flip when a fellow sends me flowers,
I drool over dresses made of lace,
I talk on the telephone for hours
With a pound and a half of cream upon my face!

I'm strictly a female female
And my future I hope will be
In the home of a brave and free male
Who'll enjoy being a guy having a girl... like... me.

When men say I'm sweet as candy
As around in a dance we whirl,
It goes to my head like brandy,
I enjoy being a girl!

When someone with eyes that smoulder
Says he loves ev'ry silken curl
That falls on my iv'ry shoulder,
I enjoy being a girl!

When I hear the compliment'ry whistle
That greets my bikini by the sea,
I turn and I glower and I bristle,
But I happy to know the whistle's meant for me!

I'm strictly a female female
And my future I hope will be
In the home of a brave and free male
Who'll enjoy being a guy having a girl... like... me.

I mean, come on...it's like R&H wrote this song about ME!

It is like totally amazeballs...and totally me...

What brought all of this to mind was a little silly thing I did this week...I changed my facebook photo...

Wow...

It's amazing what channeling your inner drag queen can do for a girl...because you see I have learned A LOT about being a girl from drag queens.

I am a huge huge huge fan of "RuPaul's Drag Race" (if you haven't seen it, I beg you to do so...)

Once I went to New Orleans with my beautiful friend Glamazon for a bachelorette party.  We basically kidnapped our friend (who I will refer to as "Bridezilla" to protect her innocence) and threw her on a plane with a blindfold on.

Yes, this was well before 9/11...

We lied to her that she was going to Vegas...ALONE...and that someone would be there to pick her up.

The entire crew of the Southwest flight was in on the ruse...even the other passengers...

We snuck on the plane and midway through the flight attendants told her to remove the blindfold and go to the back of the plane where we were waiting...

I think she might have yelled "BITCHES" all the way down the aisle.

We got to NOLA and proceeded to have a wild and great night in the French Quarter.  We ate at a restaurant called "Lucky Cheng's" that did Asian/Cajun fusion food and all the waitresses were drag queens.  

Me, being a lover of all things gay, wild, and fun...and most especially drag queens (who are NOT all gay by the way...not that it matters anyway)...well, I thought this place was a hoot and a holler...

Our waitress was named "Paloma" and she had the most beautiful makeup I have ever seen. 

She.Was.Gorgeous.

She gave us makeup tips...I still use them...

Once, when I had an insomnia night, I tuned in to some show based on the movie "The Big Easy" and she was playing a waitress...

Paloma...thou art beautiful...

The hostess was a 6 ft. "something" (like bigger than 6 ft) tall black drag queen. She was also gorgeous...as all the waitresses were...but she was truly stunning.

She was wearing an "I dream of Jeannie" wig and satin maribou heels (in pink) that made her even taller.  She also had fabulous makeup.  

And her outfit...

Well, just picture it...

A pink lace dress...with pink satin bra and panties underneath.

Her eyelashes were to die for...

Amazeballs

I had to use the phone...this was in the dark ages before everyone carried a cell phone...so I had to use a real live phone...and I was directed to the hostess stand where the very beautiful angel in pink presided.

I had never left Ke$ha Barbie overnight so it was my first time...I called home to check on her and ended up in tears.

I look over at Black Barbie and she is crying too...

She took my hand and said "come on honey...we are going to the bar!" and proceeded to order me some drink I had to bang on the bar and slam down...

Ah...she was an angel.

We had a great time that night...and it ended at Cafe DuMonde and Glamazon had powdered sugar all over her face from the beignets...and damn she was still stunning...even with powdered sugar...

And she still is...like unbelievably gorgeous...and our girls are now in college but that night with her was one of the best of my life...I guess that is why I remember it so clearly...

So back to me and MY inner drag queen...

Lately I have been experimenting with my hair...I bought some new steam rollers and I've played with my hair with them...and I like them...and they are easy to use...and the leave my hair super soft and curly and pretty...

You might remember them from 20 years ago but they have vastly improved...I use the Caruso Steam Setter...

bought it on Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/Caruso-C97953-Molecular-Hairsetter-Rollers/dp/B0002JKPB8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1363834198&sr=8-1&keywords=caruso+steam+rollers

you might find a better deal than that but it was the first one that popped up...LOVE THEM

So I had my hair curled...

And I just got some new false eyelashes (being a drag queen myself I love me some lashes) and the most beautiful I have ever seen come from Lilly Lashes.  I am a total Bravo junkie and every time I watched "The Shah's of Sunset" I was obsessed with Lilly's eyes...well she has a false eyelash business and they are the bomb...and you can stack them...I just have one pair on in my facebook photo (Shanghai style)...and they have great customer service...

http://lillylashes.com/shop/

Amazeballs

so I took a photo and posted it to facebook...y'all seem to like it...

I saw my wonderful surgeon today...I told her I am her happiest patient...and yes, I enjoy all the "make me a better girl" things that Dr. Bonnie Baldwin did for me...and today I had her do Botox (I am an open book...don't mind telling you I let her fill my forehead with poison in the name of looking better!). 

She.Is.Amazing...

and if you need anything...from Botox to major surgery...she is the one to see...super nice as is her awesome staff...

I am healing up great and I have to say...

(again being a total open book here)

I love my boobs...

since I am a girl who never "had" boobs before...well, I really love mine...because I look totally natural...

I told her that they looked like God gave them to me...but instead he let his goddess (Dr. Baldwin) do it for him...

That's what I love about her...she gave me the body I wish I had been born with and I look natural and not fake or "done".

Amazeballs 

(JayVee loves that "amazeballs" is my new word...)

I even bought a bikini...

Now I will NOT under ANY circumstances post a photo of that here...no way no how...but I will happily wear it in my own back yard or when I go on a girl's trip with GOTTESS in a few weeks.

I have worn bikinis before but I did not look amazeballs in it...not that I do now but I sure as hell look better...

I think the last time I looked good in a bikini I was 5 and Aunt Jane rescued me from a wave in Hawaii...

(please note that there is like a whole STANZA about wearing a bikini in the above mentioned song...)

I do enjoy being a girl...

I love wearing perfume and lace...

My bathroom counter looks like a Sephora store exploded on it...

I love my new figure and the fact I finally have cute breasts...

I love getting flowers...and right now since I don't have a man to give me flowers I buy my own lilies at Whole Foods...

I like putting on makeup and curling my hair and wearing cute clothes...

I.Love.Lingerie. (the prettier the better)

I love high high high heels...

I wear cute workout clothes (but thankfully not the see-thru Lululemon pants)

But I also love taking my cute girly self and getting into my big ass truck...

So some day, when a man is good enough to earn me (and drives his own big ass truck) I hope he appreciates having a girl like me...until then The Cutest Boy in the World is just happy when I shower and take him to dinner...and he's a damn good date...

So enjoy being whatever YOU are...a girly girl...a guy's guy...a not-so-femme woman...whatever you like being...just be the best version of yourself and love yourself as you are...and enjoy being WHO you are...

Be...

AMAZEBALLS

Inspiration Song: "I Enjoy Being a Girl" from "Flower Drum Song"...many versions from Doris Day to Peggy Lee to soundtracks...I enjoy them all...

Bye Darlings...channel your inner drag queen (seriously go watch RuPaul) and enjoy being a girl...or a guy...just enjoy being YOU!

Second Chance

We all need second chances...

do-overs so to speak...

although sometimes a second chance CAN actually be remaking something into a new life.

So whether it is a do-over or a re-make or recycle, everything needs a second chance

Well maybe not EVERYTHING but MOST things.

I gave my ex a second chance for 5 years and things didn't really change...but I did give him a second chance.  For me it was pretty clear that nothing was going to change and I needed out but for the sake of our kids I held on a little longer with the hope that things would improve but they did not...

And I wanted a second chance at life...my life...a better life...

And so I did take that second chance and asked for a divorce...but I do want it on the record that I did give him a second chance before any of you start telling me I should practice what I preach and I think this may be the biggest example of "did you give it a do-over?".

Yes.

I did.

I also gave myself a second chance at a healthy life when I started my diet.

And I gave myself a second chance at a "prettier" life when I had my surgery.

So all of this got me thinking about second chances.

It really hit me the other day when I went to SweetSally's spin class (not to be confused with SweetSallie because she is a different instructor altogether and I love them both).

The first few times I took her spin class I was like "meh" about it...but JayVee kept encouraging me to give her another chance.  I loved her as a person but as an instructor the jury was still out.

So on Sunday I went to her class and you know what?

I freakin' loved it...LOVED it...

Like she burned JayVee class kind of calories off me and her music rocked.

I.Am.A.Believer.

Except...

dammit now she is moving out of town this spring...

ugh...

But until then I will catch every class I can to soak up her awesome sweetness and the fun of her class.

I took a second chance again yesterday when I decided that I was ready for the "make me feel like puking" class that is ShockWave.  I am not ready for SweetSallie's boot camp (or JayVee's amazing Total Body Jam) yet, but I was ready for her ShockWave.

At least I thought I was until I had to row 450 meters...when I was done with that I thought I was not going to get a second chance but was headed to the Afterlife...(yes that was a few blogs ago).

I didn't get sick but it was a close one.

I am happy to report (because I know Dimples is reading this and will ask) that I only lost about 5-10% off my times on the rower. (The 10% being the 2 seconds I lost on my 100 meter rowing...up to 20 seconds from my usual 18).  There's your stats Dimples...

So giving ShockWave was a good second chance.

I do wish I was a recycler....but I'm not.  I mean I will reuse and repurpose things when I can but no I don't save my paper and cans...besides they don't have recycle trash pick up in my neighborhood.  I do, however, recycle my My Fit Food containers.  For some reason I cannot throw them away...so if you want some, let me know...I have a ton of them...I put all my leftovers in them and have even used them to pack and organize things...

Ke$ha Barbie gives clothes a second chance all the time.  She wears some of my mother's old things and repurposes them into things that I know my mom would never have thought to wear them like and she is also super fond of shopping at the Thrift Stores (Goodwill is too nice...she prefers Value Village and some place in Boston that you pay by the pound).  She gives those Bill Cosby Old Man sweaters new life on her...they are still Bill Cosby Old Man sweaters but she manages to rock them...but sometimes she still looks like a homeless troll...

Sometimes I give wine a second chance...now if it's bad it quickly gets labeled "cooking" and saved for that.

But on the off chance that I don't finish a bottle and it starts to not be drinkable I also use it for cooking...like in spaghetti sauce or to make a sauce.

Now those of you who know me well are probably thinking "when does she have a bottle of wine that she does not finish"...

Well, there are times...but that is usually only when the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars...(and if you don't know what the hell I am talking about here you may be too young to read this blog...just sayin....Google it)

But yes I sometimes have leftover wine and it gets a second chance in spaghetti sauce...

Sometimes dinner gets a second chance...like I will often purposely cook more than The Cutest Boy in the World and I can eat because I know I want to use the leftovers for something else...like Tuesday I made fajitas and tonight I made fajita pizza...it saves me time and effort and basically TCBITW will eat anything if I put it on a pizza...

except broccoli
and corn
well pretty much any veggie but onions...

TCBITW does not do most veggies...he was the pickiest eater in the world as a child but is now pretty adventurous (like he will eat Ethiopian raw kitfo, loves raw but not cooked salmon and tuna, and is pretty happy at an Indian restaurant).

Veggies, well some veggies, have been given a second chance...like most beans...except peas and snow peas and green beans...and yes, I know peas are not a bean but...

and he ate a grilled artichoke the other night which shocked me so much I texted his father to tell him...

and he has always been a potato fan and is usually ok with onions...

now corn...that is the one he will NEVER give a second chance to...he literally detests corn...like he has thrown it up he hates it so much...he says it is a texture thing.  He will eat corn chips and popcorn and corn tortillas...just no corn.

Go figure...what kid does not eat corn?

My kid...

Me, I can't think of a veggie I won't eat and Ke$ha Barbie is pretty much the same...

I'm just glad that TCBITW is at an age where he is willing to try things he has before said he hated or did not like...

I often give people a second chance...

let me re-state that...I will always give people I LOVE a second chance and most times I will give people I LIKE a second chance...but if I didn't like you from the start, I have often found that my first impressions (and when I say first impression I don't mean 5 minutes of meeting you but maybe a few hours or days or times I have met you) of people are usually right.  I have been wrong but often if I meet someone and get to know them and find I don't care for them, even if I give them a second chance down the line it is rare that that person becomes a fixture in my life...

but I have been wrong...and a few I have changed my mind about.

When you DON'T get a second chance with me is when you:
abuse me or my friendship
take advantage of me or my kids
"use" me
or make me part of a lie that I have no part in...I will not be anyone's scapegoat...

Do that to me and it is "goodbye"...pretty much forever...

I am a loving and loyal friend and if an honest mistake is made you will be forgiven and given a second chance...but cross a line with me and I am as bad as Bobby Shelton about it...

you are voted off the island

forever

I may forgive you but you will not be let back on the island with me...you gotta float out there and hope no sharks come by that are hungry because I'm gonna stand on the sand of my island and push you back in the water if you try...

A few times I have let someone back on the island and it has not ended well...because I often find if someone abuses me once they will try again.

That is why I don't have a relationship with my stepmonster...

I will be polite to you but there will be no more sharing of the campfire and we sure as hell are not making smores together.

It's not that I don't forgive...there are people I have had misunderstandings with that I can fully say I was 60-99% to blame and things have ended well and forgiveness has happened on both ends and I am very relieved that I still have that person to love.

I forgive because I also want to be forgiven because heaven knows I need all but a papal blessing to get forgiven for many things in my life (which right now I can't get since there is no pope so I better behave...and I'm not Catholic).

I want a second chance...I have been given a second chance too many times to count...

So I give second chances.

But like the old adage:
fool me once, shame on you
fool me twice, shame on me...

you mess with me or my kids twice...game over...and you are voted off the island.

Second chances are important.  I try to daily...or at least weekly...give someone or something a second chance...

hell my cat gets a second and third chance almost hourly...

so I try...

So if you are reading this, and you think I am preaching...well, maybe I am...because as a Christian I know I have been given a second chance thanks to Jesus dying for me...and as a mom I know mistakes happen, and as a woman I know that men need forgiveness minute-by-minute...

So give someone or something a second chance...

and don't wait until the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars...because then peace will guide the planets and love will steer the stars...

Google it...

I might just have to blog on that one too...oh yeah...I think I will...

Inspiration Song: "Second Chance" by Shinedown...I love me some Shinedown...great band...and this is a great song...a few years ago I used a different "Second Chance" song by Peter Bjorn and John...

Bye Darlings...give someone or something a second chance...you will be glad you did...

No Scrubs

Now part of me would really like to write this blog about:

1) not wanting to date a doctor...but actually I'm not sure I would be opposed to it...maybe....

or

2) not wanting to be around doctors...and no, I don't usually enjoy doctors...but I do love my plastic surgeon Dr. Bonnie Baldwin...

No, this has to do with one of my favorite hip-hop songs of all time...No Scrubs...by the great girl group TLC

here are the lyrics...

"No Scrubs"

A scrub is a guy who thinks he's fly
And is also known as a buster
Always talkin' about what he wants
And just sits on his broke ass
So (no)

I don't want your number (no)
I don't want to give you mine and (no)
I don't want to meet you nowhere (no)
I don't want none of your time and (no)

[Chorus:]
I don't want no scrub
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
Hanging out the passenger side
Of his best friend's ride
Trying to holler at me
I don't want no scrub
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
Hanging out the passenger side
Of his best friend's ride
Trying to holler at me

But a scrub is checkin' me
But his game is kinda weak
And I know that he cannot approach me
Cuz I'm lookin' like class and he's lookin' like trash
Can't get wit' no deadbeat ass
So (no)

I don't want your number (no)
I don't want to give you mine and (no)
I don't want to meet you nowhere (no)
I don't want none of your time (no)

[Chorus]

If you don't have a car and you're walking
Oh yes son I'm talking to you
If you live at home wit' your momma
Oh yes son I'm talking to you (baby)
If you have a shorty but you don't show love
Oh yes son I'm talking to you
Wanna get with me with no money
Oh no I don't want no (oh)

No scrub
No scrub (no no)
No scrub (no no no no no)
No scrub (no no)

Since I've just spent my second Valentines Day alone as a single girl and although The Cutest Boy in the World makes a very fine valentine (especially now since he broke up with his adorable girlfriend...she was very cute and I still adore her...but he wanted to fly solo and since he is only 14 I have no problem with that), I think maybe at some point I would like to have a man that brought me chocolates and lilies (and maybe some Agent Provocateur lingerie) for a V-day gift.

Not that I am complaining mind you...I really am ok...I've had a pretty full plate what with wrestling and Ke$ha Barbie in college and my surgery...but at some point it might be nice to have someone to share wine with (preferably Michael David Rapture)...and I don't want no scrub...

So with apologies to Tameka Cottle, Kandi Burruss (yes, THE Kandi from "Real Housewives of Atlanta") and Kevin Briggs (the songwriters), I would like to give you MY version...the "White Chick Middle Aged Barbie" version...

A scrub is a guy who thinks he's fly
And is also known as a loser...
Always talking about what he NEEDS
And just sits on his big ass
so (no)

I don't want your number (no)
I don't want to give you mine (no)
I don't want to meet you nowhere (no)
I don't want to share any kind of wine (no)

I don't want no scrub
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
hanging out at the bar all night
with a bunch of guys
trying to holler at me
I don't want no scrub
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
hanging out on eharmony
and match.com
trying to get attention from me

But a scrub is checking me
and his game is very weak
and I know that he can't approach me
because I'm looking like class and he looks like an asss
can't get with no dumbass
so (no)

I don't want your email (no)
I don't want to give you mine (no)
I don't want to meet you anywhere (no)
I don't want to none of your kind (no)

I don't want no scrub
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
hanging out at a club all night
with random guys
trying to meet girls like me
I don't want no scrub
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
drinking beer  and
watching sports all night
trying to date a girl like me

If you have a truck but don't DRIVE it
oh yes man I am talking to you
If you live at home with your mama
oh yes fella I'm talking to you
You have kids but you don't show loving
oh yes dude I'm talking to you
Want to get with me with no money
oh no I don't want no (oh)

No scrubs
No scrubs

I don't want no scrubs
a scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
hanging out at at all the wrong spots
while drinking a bunch
trying to date a girl like me...

OK, you get the picture...

I just want a dude that drives a big ass truck, has a job, doesn't spend his spare time at bars and clubs, loves children, thinks my friends are great (because they are) and knows I like lilies.  Throw in blue eyes, dimples, a great sense of humor and enjoys working out and we might have a winner...

I am seriously considering making any guy that wants to date me go through an interview with GOTT and GOTTESS and JayVee and The Hunk and maybe KuteKaren and RoyBoy too...I mean schools do it for admissions so why shouldn't some guy get screened and approved by the people I love...

Once he passes that test he would have to pass the ultimate...D'nice...and she won't let no scrubs near me for sure...Lord help the man that tries to get past her that isn't up to HER standards for me...

On second thought I might be alone for a long time...

and for now...that's ok...

because I don't want no scrub...

I'd rather be alone

Inspiration Song: "No Scrubs" by TLC.  The other day JayVee asked me to burn her an old school hip hop song from my library and it brought to mind this song...as it is one of her favorites and mine she played it in spin class and it was a "10" on the fun scale...I sang every word...loudly...drove the Tamster nuts but Tiff loved it...

Bye Darlings...I don't want no scrubs...unless they are on a really good looking doctor who drives a truck and will go watch musical theater with me and knows I prefer cabernet to pinot...

Unpretty

So now that I have filled you in on TCBITW and his wrestling let's get back to something REALLY interesting...

me
me
me

Because it is all about me you know...

at least this blog is....

So thanks to the 5 hour drive to Dallas and back that included an extended period of time on an overpass due to road construction and 8 hours in the gym I am now in what is commonly referred to as "swell hell".

I know that my working out has increased my swelling as well.  Dr. Baldwin warned me about that.  And if she knew the extent of the torturous rapturous ordeal that JayVee's spin class is she might have told me that I would pass "swelling" and move straight to "blown up like a balloon"...

So despite the fact that working out is good for me, it does make me swell.

And then there is that other little factor in there....

Buc'ees...

now for those of you who are unfamiliar...well, bless your hearts...because Buc'ees is only the most awesome road side rest stop/store/food place...well, like...ever...

and I do mean ever...

there is nothing like a Buc'ees...

clean restrooms
drink stations where you can be your own mixologist like at Sonic
great ice
jerkey
homemade fudge
beaver nuggets (some sort of popcorn like puffed thing that is totally addicting)

but you can also buy crap...like a cookbook for 101 things to do with Ramen noodles (I picked that up for Ke$ha Barbie), or a swing...or a blanket (I bought one on a choir bus trip because I was cold)...a BBQ pit...

various food items and things in jars

GOTT and TTG and I even bought a cane to use as a prop in a show once...

So on my little overnight trip to Dallas I indulged in Buc'ees...I had a sandwich, some jerkey, and once at the hotel I had a wee bit of fudge...and a wee bit more on the way home...

At the wrestling meet I could not bear to eat...mostly because there wasn't much in dining choices (unless I robbed the boys of their food and no way was I getting in the way of Mr. Heavyweight and his sandwich) and basically I just can't stomach anything when my son is wrestling.

So I had...a granola bar...

When the tournament was over at 4:00 I went straight to In and Out Burger and got me a double double with fries and a Diet Coke.  Since we don't have In and Out in Dallas I basically had to get one...

I hit Buc'ees on the way back to get another drink and more crap for TCBITW to have once he got home since he no longer has to make weight.

So this week I am up like 10 lbs...

what the hell?

Really?

REALLY?

Are you kidding me?

It really started to freak me out...like to the point of wanting to cry...

But Dr. Baldwin warned me this would happen...and frankly I totally deserve at least 2 lbs thanks to In and Out and Buc'ees...

Last night I had TCBITW end of season wrestling party...

(we pause now for me to inform you his coach awarded him the "Rookie of the Year" award and he was the only Freshman to make it into the stat books...awesome...my boy is awesome...and he is following the footsteps of Pretty Eyed Joe who was named as a captain next year...he will be the only junior to be one...yes I totally cried over both...ok back to the blog...end of bragging)

I had to figure out what to wear so I opted for a maxi dress that hides the offending swelling.

Sunday night I met a friend up at my club and another friend (male...just a friend...besides he drives a 4 runner not a big ass truck) kept telling me how great I looked...if only he knew that I had on major hardware in the form of my compression garment to keep it all in...I still felt puffy but it was nice to hear...

I basically live in maxi dresses and yoga pants...

So today I am driving around and I have my iPod plugged in and it's playing the latest group of songs I downloaded for JayVee for spin class and "Unpretty" comes on...

And although the words aren't how I feel (if you don't know the song it is about a girl who feels unpretty because someone else makes her feel that way about herself), I did feel a bit unpretty today.

But unlike the song, no one is MAKING me feel that way...

I am making myself feel that way...

So once I got home it was time for a little chat with Anice.

Because she needed a good talking to...

I have spent all this time in money on myself and I am gonna let a little swelling make me feel bad about myself?

Hell to the no...

What an idiot...

It's swelling...its not permanent and I can lose the weight...

But for about 1/2 hour today I was really feeling bad about myself.

And then I remembered seeing model Cameron Russell (she is a Victoria's Secret "Angel") on Good Morning America today and they discussed her TED talk and how she points out that many people think life would just be better if they had shinier hair and thinner thighs and if you were around a group of models, all with shiny hair and thin thighs that all they do is moan about how bad they look...

wow

some of the most beautiful women in the world...or rather women who are held up as a standard to others...and they still feel unpretty

So then I thought...

to hell with it...

I take care of myself

I workout almost every day

I eat healthy 80-90% of the time

I just had a tummy tuck and BA that make me feel great

I can survive JayVee's spin class

And the most important thing of all:

THE INSIDE OF ME IS QUITE PRETTY...I AM A LOVING WOMAN WHO PUTS OTHERS FIRST AND WOULD GIVE THE SHIRT OFF MY BACK TO A FRIEND...

INSIDE...

I.AM.GORGEOUS

So...

I'm no supermodel...and there aren't any men in big ass trucks lining up to take me out...

BUT...

I am not unpretty

even with the 10 extra swollen pounds...

I'm just having a "fat day"...

so I put on my baggy pants...

and my compression binder underneath for good measure...

and I had a few bites of chocolate mousse after the Ethiopian cuisine feast I cooked my boy...

and tomorrow...

I won't be unpretty either...

if only I could get my hair to have more oooomph...

here I go again....

Inspiration Song: "Unpretty" by TLC...actually a pretty good lesson for girls to not let some boy tell them they aren't pretty enough...

Bye Darlings....we all have unpretty days...just get over yourself and remember that it is the beauty inside of us that is important...

Only the Young

I think it is time for a blog that is not all about me and my surgery...so here you go...a sports blog

So wrestling season has ended for The Cutest Boy in the World...(TCBITW)

So yeah...wrestling season...it's been a long one...but a good one...but a long one...

UGH!

Of the 3 sports my son plays this is the one that puts my stomach most into knots.  Football and lacrosse make me nervous but wrestling makes me crazy.

I love lacrosse...it moves fast and he's pretty safe in the back as a defender...so far he hasn't gotten hurt playing lacrosse...

Once my dear friend TrainerGirl had to attend to him on the sidelines...she was the trainer for the game...he was in 7th grade...

but that was because he needed a haircut...

yeah, she gave him a bang trim on the side of the field...he came off the field asking if I had scissors because his bangs were in his way...in his way of SEEING...so he wanted them cut.

I have many many many things in my purse but that day there were no scissors...

So TrainerGirl had some in her medic bag and she did the deed...I calmly watched as she snipped his bangs with scissors intended for cutting bandages but she did a great job and he plopped his helmet back on and went back into the game.

The coaches...both from our team, the 8th grade team and the opposing team were fascinated...

mostly because I knew all of them and the fascination was that me, the micro-managing of grooming mom, was letting Trainer Girl cut my son's hair...

with medical scissors...

on the sidelines of the lacrosse field...

She and I still laugh about that to this day...she has all kinds of skills and "cutting sweaty lacrosse playing boys bangs" is one of them...since then she uses that story when she has had to do so for other sports boys...

I think it should go on her resume:

"Can give emergency haircuts to sweaty boys"

Two things about this event should also be noted:
1) one of the coaches from the opposing team just now happens to be my son's wrestling coach...which now means that if HE ever gets scissors to my son's hair I don't have a leg to stand on

and
2) this was not his only sideline haircut...one time my friend LovelyLinda had to cut his hair during a wrestling tournament with fingernail scissors...she texted me that she was doing this (as I was not there to witness it but she felt disclosure was needed)...and yes, that same wrestling coach witness THAT haircut...

So the first night TCBITW had his first high school wrestling meet as luck would have it that meet occurred at the high school where TrainerGirl now works.

How did I get so lucky?

I had her by my side to calm me and then we went out for margaritas...

I felt better having her there because TCBITW suffered a concussion on his last set of plays for the football season.  He went in after the coach told him that he had done a great job in the game and just to do that set of downs and then he would put someone from the freshman team in his place.

My son is a freshman but they "moved him up" to the JV...yeah, he was good enough for that...small as he is he knocked down some very big sophomores and juniors...

So he goes in and sure enough as he is tackling a player from the other team another player from that team flew into him and hit him on the side of his head.

It rang his bell...

I was lucky enough to not witness it firsthand...my Aunt Jane did but I had turned to talk to my friend PrettyPhyllis and missed it...or else I might have run onto the field myself.

After the game he complained of headache but luckily did not vomit or pass out.

And luckily the very doctor who delivered him was there at the game...her son plays on the same team...so even though she said "remember I deal with cervixes and not boys" she took a look at him.  Another teammate has a dad who is also a doctor so he called me several times that night to check up on him.  We determined that he had a concussion but there isn't much to do about it so I took him home, fed him and put him to bed...and checked on him through the night.

We took him to the neurologist who pronounced he had a concussion..

No surprise but we felt better knowing a doctor had looked at his hard head.

He's fine now....

Ke$ha Barbie had a concussion once...we were at a soccer tournament but she didn't get the concussion on the field...

She got it in her friend's hotel room by hitting her head on the headboard.

The scary part was that she didn't remember doing it so when she came back to our room she said she felt bad and went to sleep...9 hours later we learned she had hit her head...

She has a hard head too...but in the figurative sense not so much the literal...

Headboards and boys flying at you are no match for your head.

So now each child has had a concussion.

I had 3 as a child...maybe that is what is wrong with me...

So back to wrestling...

What a sport...

Watching boys grapple each other while wearing leotards is totally cringe-worthy...

My son will tell you it is not a leaotard but rather a "singlet" but all the same it is a strange garment...and I totally get why my son waits till the last minute to take off his shorts and why he throws them back on right away when he is done...

It's a very scary uniform to wear...I would look horrible in it....but my son does it justice as he is now a lean mean fighting machine.

I feel sorry for the boys who have to wear...WHITE ONES...(shudder)...they are as horrid as they sound.  And not only do they look just plain awful but...and I'm sorry to inflict this on you and you may need brain bleach after but it was cornea searing to me...it's really not good to be wearing a white singlet if you happen to crap your pants during your match...and yes, that happened to one poor child who was forced to wrestle one of our boys who is pretty much one of the best wrestlers in the nation..not kidding...not kidding about pooping in the pants or the fact that we have a kid who just might place nationally next weekend...

When he started wrestling in the 6th grade he was a pudgy little boy...he looked like a little sausage stuffed into his singlet...but now he looks like a poster boy for wrestling...the real kind not WWF...he's a lean mean wrestling machine.

And I hate the fact he can drop 2 pounds in a day...all water weight but still...

And I hate that we have to watch the weight like obsessive people but it's what you have to do.  But MY rules are that he can watch his weight and even "cut" his weight but only by eating healthy and making smart choices.

No plastic pants, no crazy diets, no "I"m not eating" stuff...

So yesterday was his last tournament of the season.  He has decided not to play lacrosse this year (yes, I wipe a tear as I type this as I do so love watching me some lacrosse...all that running and beating each other with sticks...it's so...so...awesome!).

I sorta wish he would quit football too but he says he will play at least one more year.  He doesn't want to play Varsity so I am hoping they don't make him.  I hate all that hitting...and the sound that the helmets make as they crash into each other.

I remember my first game as a cheerleader and I heard that sound of "helmet on helmet" for the first time and I literally dropped my pompoms and swore I would never have a boy so I wouldn't have to have a football player.

Well I was wrong on both accounts...I have a son...I have  football player...

But in reality he is a wrestler...and now, after 4 years of it...I have come to the acceptance that I will spend many many hours in a gym watching boys in leotards roll around on mats with each other.

So yesterday he took 3rd in the tournament.  I was busting proud because all the boys he beat were older and more experienced.  He lost to one kid and won 3 others...not bad for a freshman.

I have a very special place in my heart for his coach.

8 years ago when me and the ex took TCBITW to camp for the first time we were greeted by...oh heavens he needs a name...let's just call him WC for Wrestling Coach...

So the door to the car is opened by WC who in one breath announces to me that he saw the sticker on the back of my car for my son's school and that he would be coaching wrestling there next year and did my son wrestle?

Gripping the door and trying to close it as fast as possible and wanting to yell at the ex to get us the hell outta there I look at WC and say:

"no...he's only 8 years old!"

I think that is the end of it...

but noooooooooo,,,,

from the back of the suburban a tiny little deep voice says:

"Oh!  I want to wrestle!  Yes I am going to wrestle!"

and he launches himself out of the car and grins up at WC and well...that pretty much did it...

From that point on my son thinks that WC is the greatest guy on the planet (he is pretty great..and he's quite young to be a coach and is awesome)...and all my son has wanted to do is to be coached by WC and on his team...

So this year the dream came true...and my son was coached by WC who has unshakeable faith in my kid and loves him like a big brother and I know will always take care of him.

I stood next to WC before my son's last match and as I hugged him I told him "thank you for being so good to TCBITW...this has been an amazing season"...and I reminded him of that day we dropped TCBITW off at camp when he declared that he would wrestle.

and after my son's last match, WC came running over to me and we hugged and I cried again and WC told me he was so proud to be his coach and how happy he was that after all this time it finally happened.

Our boys did super great...I was proud of all of them, not just my son.

And as proud as I was of my son I had one tiny bittersweet moment as I watched one of his teammates who I will call "Pretty Eyed Joe" (PEJ for short) because that is what the boys call him...

PEJ is the son of my dearly departed friend Laura...I wrote a blog about her after we lost her to breast cancer.  Before she passed away I promised PEJ I would always be his "mama by the mat"...

And after every meet, and sometimes during it, I hold that boy and tell him how much I love him and how proud I am of my "extra son".

When he won his weight class yesterday I cried...I was sad that his mother was not there to share that with him...

but she was...she is just the sweetest prettiest angel in heaven watching down...

and just before he got on the podium to accept his medal he turned to me and hugged me and I told him once again how proud I was of him and how much I loved him...because his mama needed me to say that for her (I didn't tell him that...I wanted it to be a happy moment) and when he placed the medal on his neck I swear I could feel her next to me watching that beautiful boy grin like the champ he was...

It's an awesome sport...a sport I have come to love just as much as I have come to love the boys on my son's team...boys who never once treated him like:
the new kid
just a freshman
the jerk who took my spot on the varsity team

no, they never did that to him...they have watched over him, befriended him, driven him to practice, supported him on the sidelines, screamed and yelled with joy when he wins and comforted him when he loses...

They are his brothers...and they are a group of young men I would proudly call my own...they make good grades...they help each other...they never are nasty to each other but they do have so much fun together...they are like their own little strange fraternity...

and I love all of the parents...

I'm glad my son wrestles...he has been told by boys who don't wrestle that it is "gay" (too bad in our world that is not in insult to us but it is insulting as we have many gay people we love so we find that offensive)...he has been told "it's not a real sport" (really?  oh yeah...no longer in the Olympics...but it is a damn great sport anyway)...he has been told "that's such an easy sport" (I'd like to put that kid on the mat with mine and see what happens)...

and each and every time he has stood his ground and loves his sports...even when it means he couldn't eat pizza...and had to give up every Saturday for meets...and came home more exhausted from practice than after football...

he will miss it..and his team mates....and I will miss the parents and the boys...we are a funny little extended family...you have to be when you spend 8 hours on bleachers together...yelling your lungs out...holding your breath as you pray for a match to end and the last 10 seconds feel like an hour...as you slump exhausted back in your seat (trying not to slip into the footpath of the bleachers) after watching a boy fight his heart out and come off the mat dripping in sweat and nearly out of breath...

it is an amazing sport...

There are worse things in life than watching a boy grapple another boy on a mat while wearing a leotard...as long as said leotard is not white...

Inspiration Song "Only the Young" by Journey....end credits song to the movie "Vision Quest" which may pretty much be one of the only movies about wrestling...great 80's flick with Matthew Modine and an awesome 80's soundtrack...and because only the young can wear a singlet...

Bye Darlings...you have about 8 months before you hear me eat my words and I start complaining about wrestling again...but for now I love it...