Lime in the Coconut

Disclaimer #1:  I started writing this blog while  I was teaching 6th grade math (and yes I use the term "teaching" very loosely because it is really high level babysitting and just to reassure those of you who may have had a child in "my" class that day---I totally had a cheat sheet so no lasting permanent math damage was done and when your child misses a math question on the SAT please don't blame me although it would be a convenient excuse and I make a good target). (Note from Anice after she has finished teaching: NO ACTUAL HARM WAS DONE TO ANY ACTUAL CHILDREN but I can't say that they will all be the same after my attempt at algebra...) But that's not the "disclaimer" part here ...what is the disclaimer is that I am trying to type this blog on my iPad...heaven help us all for what autocorrect might do to this...

Disclaimer #2....I am heavily under the influence of the humor and writing style of my new heroine---Jenny Lawson.  She is a blogger and columnist for the Houston Chronicle...but more importantly she wrote a book that I am insanely in love with ---"Let's Pretend this Never Happened (A Mostly True Memoir)".  RoyBoy turned me on to her blog and I read it for a minute and promptly went on Amazon to download the book.  Buy.This.Book.  It's damn funny.  She makes me look like the total amateur humorist I am.  She's brilliant.  She's hilarious.  I totally plan to stalk her and send her notes if I can figure out how to find her.  I plan to make her my new "other" best friend...I'd never drop my old besties in favor of a new one but I do want to add her to my collection.  And in homage to her this blog will have...chapters!  Her chapter titles alone make me laugh out loud.

Disclaimer #3....unlike the above memoir things in this blog are totally true and not "mostly" true.  Therefore names have been changed to blog names to protect the innocent.  You will already be familiar with some of the characters (GOTTESS chief among them).  We did nothing wrong or that could get us arrested and the alcohol level was far below that of what it was when we went to Mardi Gras but all the same I like to protect my peeps...you never know who might Google up your name and what they will see and heaven forbid it is my blog...

Disclaimer #4...this is a long blog...as I start this I realize I may have to break it up...so pull up a chair and pour yourself a beverage of choice (I would go with "wine" or "dirty martini" but it might be morning when you read this and "coffee" or "diet coke" are your best options)....in any case you have been warned that this is a long one so you better go and pee now...

So without further delay...let's get this party started...

LIME IN THE COCONUT

Preface:

So I'm sure your first question is "what the hell is this blog about if she is calling it Lime in the Coconut and it's about a trip to Arizona with 5 other women"?...

The answer will be revealed in due time...there's your answer..sorta...

I have a reason...not a very GOOD reason but a reason nonetheless

Besides, you are sitting here wasting your time reading this so you know you want to find out, right?

And while doing so you are secretly singing the song to yourself (and if you don't know this song you are too young to be reading this blog...) and thinking of the movie "Practical Magic" and wondering if somehow I am going to say something about making magical midnight margaritas here...even though there are no coconuts in good margaritas...but yes, there is lime..

And yes I know that Arizona is a dry desert (boy do my lips and skin know that) and not a tropical place but believe it or not there were actual limes and coconut (water) involved...

Chapter 1: WHY GOTTESS IS NOT JUST MY SISTER WIFE BUT ALSO THE BEST TRAVEL PLANNER....

So a few months ago GOTTESS sends out an email and basically says that she has found a fabulous resort in Arizona and has booked a casa at it and we should all go.  6 of us booked the trip and put ourselves into her wise and wonderful hands...

Because you see, when GOTTESS plans a trip, well you just gotta go...

So it was me, GOTTESS, Susu (you remember her from such blogs as "Last Friday Night" and (shudder) "Mardi Gras  Day", KuteKerry (ok I will admit she is "Friend 6" from "Mardi Gras Day"), DarlingD (I wasn't sure how to handle her name since it is sorta distinctive so I'm shortening it to "D"), and KuteKatie who constituted our little party of 6.

DarlingD was already out in Phoenix so she wasn't on the long-ass plane ride with us (I know you are wondering how a flight to Phoenix can last so long but it did...answer to follow) so the rest of us took a flight leaving about 9:30 on Thursday morning.  I picked up KuteKatie at 7:15 and we got to the airport in plenty of time for us to chill in the President's Club before getting on the plane (and that might be the only time I have been in the Pres Club and NOT had a Bloody Mary).

So onto the plane we went (and at this point you are really happy this is a blog and not a book where you might actually have to pay for things like these super short chapters)

Chapter 2: YOUR HANDBAG IS BETTER THAN MINE AND YOU ARE MY NEW BEST FRIEND AND IF I HAVE TO BE STUCK ON A PLANE FOR 4 HOURS I AM GLAD IT IS YOU

So I am by myself on the plane...so is KuteKatie.  GOTTESS, SuSu and KuteKerry managed to have seats together...I was only 2 rows behind.

I'm sitting there and then I see this guy...white jacket, gorgeous scarf, fabulous jewelry, and a Michael Kors handbag TO DIE FOR.  Very nice looking man.  Great jewelry.

I started praying "please let him sit next to me because the only way this flight is gonna be fun is if I am next to someone who IS fun"

wish granted

(And I should note that when GOTTESS saw him she prayed the same thing for me...my sister wife knows me all too well...she knows I love FAB and this guy was screaming FAB with that handbag)

he plops next to me in the middle seat...I'm by the window

5 minutes into it we have introduced ourselves to each other and I know he has been up for hours upon hours and is traveling to a family funeral and his flights had gotten waaaaay screwed up.  And for blog purposes Mr. Fabulous shall now be known as TonyFab.

I promptly offer to change seats with him as soon as we are allowed to do so without risk of being shot...I wish I had video of it because:
1) I am still amazed I fit into a plane seat much less not need an extender
and
2) the fact that I scampered from one seat to the next without tilting the plane is pretty much a miracle because if that plane had been a pinball machine "TILT" would have occurred...
and
3)we managed to not disrupt the other passengers...miracle

10 minutes in I learn that he has been with his husband for 20 years and he knows I am divorced and the mother of the amazing Ke$ha Barbie and the incredible The Cutest Boy in the World (TCBITW). I know he is a realtor in Kansas and he knows I once weighed 300 pounds and went on Oprah.

We switch seats and he dozes and I start to read my hysterical book (promise me...if you even sorta like my blog you will LOVE "Let's Pretend this Never Happened").  When the flight attendants finally make it back to us TonyFab says he is buying me a drink for letting him have the window seat.

I promptly order the Bloody Mary I so missed having in the President's Club...

thank you my darling TonyFab

We spend the rest of the flight gabbing and enjoying each other's company.  GOTTESS stops by for a hello. The poor fellow next to me has tried to chime in on our conversation but frankly when you have found a new best friend a 3rd wheel is not welcome...

So it takes 4 hours to get to Phoenix because of the storm...not 4 hours with the time change but 4 actual hours in flight (it only took 2 hours 5 minutes to get home).  Thank goodness I had TonyFab with me.

We deplane and I introduce him to the girls and I sadly say goodbye to a man I dearly wish lived here in Houston so he could be my gay husband (if his own didn't mind)...I really need one for those times you need a date but don't WANT a date...and my son doesn't always cooperate...and I know that TonyFab would make sure I had fun and looked...well...FAB!

So TonyFab, if you read this darling...you have a friend for life here in Houston...kisses my darling!

Chapter 3: SIX WOMEN, 7 SUITCASES AND A SUBURBAN

So at this point I think I have failed to mention that I took not one but 2 suitcases with me...a tote and a huge ass suitcase...like enormous...like I worry every time I travel that it will be over the weight limit...like I know there are people who go to Europe for a month with a smaller bag than this...it borders on being a trunk.  Part of the reason is that I have to travel with my pillow.  And it's a temperpedic so it's big.

The other girls all have nice little carry on sized bags...but not me!  I'm the oldest of the bunch but certainly not the wisest when it comes to packing.  These gals work and travel a good bit for their jobs so they know how to pack.

But I need a helluva lot of crap to be "me" so I have a helluva big suitcase.

The girls laughed their heads off at it...I deserved it...but being me, I needed my stuff...

and my pillow...

and 4 maxi dresses (yes, we were only there 3 nights) and all my workout clothes plus other clothes plus another dress plus my rollers plus all my beauty products (basically a Sephora store) plus 2 pairs of athletic shoes...plus...well, you get the picture...

So we say goodbye to TonyFab and head to the rental cars...GOTTESS has wisely booked us an SUV and we super-sized it and got the suburban.

GOTTESS has never driven a suburban before.

GOTTESS drives a sedan.

I am the only member of our party who has driven a suburban but because GOTTESS rented the car, she had to chauffeur us...

and she did a dandy fine job of it...I think before it is all said and done she might just come over to the dark side and want a suburban for herself...

We heard on into the car and away we go...first stop food and then on to Sedona...

Chapter 4: MY ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION LEVEL IS BEGINNING TO DROP AND SO YOU BETTER FIND A PLACE TO EAT THAT SERVES BEER

We end up at...Chili's...

Actually it wasn't a bad choice at all.

They had beer.

I opted for a Blue Moon.

It had been a hell of a week starting with me subbing for 6th grade Math (yes, today was not my first time at that rodeo) and Ke$ha Barbie being in Boston in college for the bombings and me worrying that she was in class in the city...thankfully she was safe in Medford when the bombings occurred.

Only one other member of our party joined me and she shall remain nameless to protect her innocence but I will confirm it was NOT GOTTESS as she was driving...

I had a burger (it was good) and a second beer (I was NOT driving).

KuteKerry had started the morning off not feeling well so she perked up after some chicken and everyone happily scarfed down lunch and as I looked around the table at the 5 women I was with I can honestly say I couldn't have been happier to be in their company...and I knew we were in for a good time.

Chapter 5: SIX WOMEN AND ONE SHOPPING CART AND 8 OR WAS IT 10 BOTTLES OF WINE

We herd back into the car and head down the road to Sedona.

Our ears pop

We exclaim at the beauty we see before us

We discuss spin class and songs on the radio and why we love Bruno Mars and the lead singer from the group "Fun"...

We discuss many things....many many things...hell there were 6 women in the car...I think we could have solved pretty much any issue if you had presented it to us...if we had tried I think we could have solved the budget crisis and poverty...

We get to Sedona and hit the Safeway right away.

If you think shopping without a list is confusing...try being 6 women with one cart trying to organize what we THINK we might want (we knew we had a kitchen but just how stocked it was remained to be seen).

We did know we wanted wine

and fruit

and other stuff

and somehow we only ended up with one bag of pita chips

now that was our first mistake...because you can't have 6 women on a trip and have only one bag of pita chips...

(I would also like to note that in Arizona you can buy hard liquor at the grocery store....awesome)

But we managed to round up what we think we wanted/needed and headed on out to the resort...

Chapter 6: THERE'S A DEER IN MY BACKYARD...YES, A REAL LIVE DEER...MAKE THAT A FEW REAL LIVE DEER...

We get to the resort and are blown away...it's gorgeous.

The call it "Enchantment" for a reason (look it up...Enchantment Resort in Sedona).

Totally.Totally.Gorgeous.

GOTTESS had wisely booked us a casa which consisted of one bedroom with 2 queen beds, 2 huge full bathrooms, a huge living room with 2 murphy beds (queen sized), 2 fireplaces, a full kitchen, and a patio...

where the deer were playing right outside...

oh and no antelope...(please say you "get" this..."where the deer and the antelope play....")

but despite no antelope it was...

heaven

enchantment

yup...I drank the Kool Aid and I want more...actually I drank the cucumber water and the prickly pear lemonade but never mind...you know what I mean...

Me and my big ass suitcase were very happy there...

This is what we saw from our patio:

They took us on a tour and we "ooh'd and aaah'd" our way through it and once settled in the casa we saw the deer in the "back yard" and decided that we needed to open the wine and crack open the pita chips and have happy hour on the deck.

Which we did

And yes, the bag of pita chips was pretty much destroyed at that point.

A few girls left to check out the spa and the rest of us remained to drink more wine and I showed them the video of the Wisdom Tooth Murderer on YouTube.

(If you have not seen the Wisdom Tooth Murderer look it up...I promise you will love me for it...If I could figure out how to post a link here I would...because it is literally the funniest thing I have seen in ages...just click on the photo of the girl who looks like she has a giant diaper on her head...I promise you that you will be happy you did).

The spa spy girls returned and we elected to head to the bar (it was outside) for sunset...

Chapter 7: SUNSET WITH THE GOLDEN GIRLS (AND YES I AM FULLY AWARE THAT SOUNDS LIKE A "BEACHES" TYPE BOOK TITLE)

So off to the fabulous outdoor bar we go...and we run smack into...ourselves in 20 years...

not kidding

except there were only 5 of them...

but they were a group of women who traveled together and were friends...

they loved us...we loved them...

of course 2 of them were Pi Phi's like me so it was truly a love match...

they were adorable...I wish I had their names...I bet they are on Facebook...

I lurved them...like I wanted to just sit there and soak up their awesomeness...but it was cold and we needed seats by a flame

you know...one of those flame things for outside to keep you warm?  yeah...one of those...

KuteKatie ordered the Prickly Pear Margarita...

it came highly recommended

I highly recommend you don't order it...

all 6 of us tasted it and even KuteKatie (who is one of the nicest girls you will ever meet) sent it back.

I pretty much "ooked" out the group by ordering steak tartare...SuSu at some with me but the raw meat was pretty much mine and it was awesome.  

We had a few other appetizers and a round of drink and the sun went down and we decided that the only logical thing to do was to go...

Chapter 8: HOT TUB TIME (MACHINE)

yeah...we went to the hot tub...at the spa...

The Mii Amo spa at the Enchantment Resort is the bomb...and we descended upon it like the fun craving girls we are...

First we got into the indoor hot tub in the ladies locker room...well actually GOTTESS and I tried out the dry sauna and then joined the other girls in the hot tub...but we noticed that SuSu and DarlingD weren't with us and we found them outside in the outdoor hot tub...sipping wine mind you...

(this was only after we sorta managed to chase off some poor woman who was doubtless trying to forget the fact that she had kids...and a hubby...and friends...with the peace and love of the hot tub...but then we came along and partied her right outta there).

GOTTESS and I sipped our hot tea and our group was happily bubbling away and then we were joined by some guy named John (who was quite good looking but sadly married) who had probably had not just a little more wine than us but A LOT more wine than us.  I bet his wife was happy we entertained him.

Anyway after some hot tub time (machine...I'm sorry...I saw that movie and thought it was funny as hell...and the whole time I was in the hot tub I was sorta hoping the clock would turn back for me and I would find my 20 year old self in the hot tub) we headed back to the casa and got ready for bed.

Chapter 9: WTF? WHAT THE HELL? WHY IS MY EMAIL SO FULL OF MESSAGES ABOUT BOSTON? I HAVE BEEN SLEEPING AND WHAT IS GOING ON? I'M SOOOOOOO CONFUSED...I JUST WOKE UP....

ok, so that is the longest chapter title ever....but literally that is how I felt when I woke up Friday morning.

I was sharing a bed with GOTTESS (as good sister wives do) and I checked my email quickly only to find an email from the president of Ke$ha Barbie's school and some other emails from concerned friends...

GOTTESS, being the excellent sister wife she is, notices my concern and we get on my iPad to see what the hell is going on...

yeah...BOSTON

Ke$ha Barbie in school in Boston.  Medford to be precise but she goes into Boston for her art classes.

Medford is next to Cambridge which is next to what is apparently the place where the idiots who bombed the Boston Marathon were having a gun fight with the police.

GOTTESS and I try to see, via my iPad, what the hell is going on...we accidentally turn a video on and then become completely stupid trying to shut it down lest we wake up KuteKerry and KuteKatie who are blissfully sleeping in the next bed unaware that my daughter is in the vicinity of mass murderers...

(ok, so that is a slight exaggeration but they were close enough that the campus got shut down and they asked the kids to stay in their dorms except for eating in the dining hall and classes were cancelled)

We quiet the iPad and get up and find that SuSu and DarlingD are up so we can turn the tv on and I can find out if I need to go into "Mom is in total panic mode" or not...

Thankfully "not" was the answer...

Ke$ha Barbie was easily reached by phone and informed me she was safe in her dorm room and would remain there with her boyfriend (who has waaaaaay more sense than her) until meal time or the "all clear" was sounded.

I stopped hyperventilating at that moment until she tells me that it is "Jumbo Days" there and that the newly accepted students were on campus to check things out...

I guess they checked out what happens when a terrorist is loose...

(As an aside here and in all seriousness...the university did an excellent job keeping the kids safe and my daughter was not in danger Friday nor was she on Monday when the bombs went off...and my heart is broken for the victims of this horrible tragedy and believe me when I say I pray for the people affected by this...the city of Boston...and I thank the sweet Lord for keeping my daughter out of harms way)

but really there is nothing quite like waking up to find out that your daughter is in some sort of danger and everyone knows it but you...

So once I could breathe again I was happy to dress for the next terrorizing part of my day:

THE PINK JEEP TOUR

which leads us to...

Chapter 10: IT'S ONLY A 30 DEGREE ANGLE EVEN THOUGH IT FEELS LIKE 90...

Part of GOTTESS' awesome "tour guide-ness" was to book some fun things for us to do...

The Pink Jeep Tour was one of them...

It's a wild ride...

in a pink jeep...

over rocky terrain...

Good advice: go to the potty first

even better good advice: don't drink a lot of liquids before the tour either

We got picked up by the Pink Jeep Tour company...in a pink jeep no less...and driven into Sedona.

GOTTESS managed to look like the Unibomber in her hoodie and glasses but she was beautiful nonetheless...GOTTESS is always beautiful..even when she is looking like a crazy person who lives in the wilderness and writes manifestos...

anyway....

we get to town and get organized for our trip.

We get our own jeep...with one extra passenger...

thank the sweet Lord she was a sweet, kind, fun, patient woman...named Ann (she will never read this so no blog name) and thankfully she was familiar with iPhone photography....

Our driver, I-can't-remember-his-name, was fun and funny...I think I better just call him "Driver"...

anyway....

we get into his jeep and off we go...

I'm so happy with the color of the jeep that the rest really didn't matter.

We begin to ride over rough terrain and seeing GORGEOUS scenery.

It was fun...we stop and take photos...

like this...

because you can't have enough photos of yourself jumping...

More...

We take a lot of photos and soak up the scenery and the total geek in me is loving that there is a tree that looks like a "Godswood" tree from "Game of Thrones" (if you ever want to discuss that show please let me know because I am addicted...like I can spend hours talking about how amazing Peter Dinklage is and how much I love the show...)

Part of the ride was to go down this 30 degree incline...which doesn't sound like much until you are in the jeep and actually doing it...here is a photo of a jeep doing it (not ours...come on...I take good photos but I am NOT magic...)

And then our driver had one more little "let's see how much these girls can scream" inclines to drive down:

The tour was fun and my photos don't begin to do it justice...

We headed back to the resort for a little pool time and some spa time...

Chapter 11: YOU DON'T NEED UMBRELLAS TO HAVE A GREAT DRINK BY THE POOL TO RELAX...AND A MASSEUSE NAMED VICTOR DOESN'T HURT EITHER...

This is the pool:

Yeah, right now I know you are feeling really bad for us that this is what we had to look at as we lounged by the pool and sipped drinks...

I was continuing to get emails updating me on what was going on with Ke$ha Barbie's school...and it wasn't helping me to relax...

So when I headed in to my massage with the Amazing Victor I was a ball of tense...but since it was an aromatherapy massage I got to pick my "mood" and the oils...so I went with "I feel Blessed...I feel Loved" and ended up with a delicious blend of rose, geranium, and frankincense...how do you spell that word?  You know it's one of the things the Magi brought the Baby Jesus...and it smells marvelous...

anyhoo...

He gave me a fabulous massage and it didn't hurt one bit that he was really cute and very sweet...

and afterwards I found out that the Boston Bombing suspect had been caught and when I called Ke$ha Barbie to ask her about it she says...

drumroll please...

"Oh Good! I can go shopping tomorrow!"

yeah...I needed ANOTHER massage after that comment...

So I just sighed to myself and headed back to the casa for a shower and a glass of wine and to get ready for dinner with the girls...

Chapter 12: WITH 3 STEAKS YOU GET A FREE MAGIC SHOW!!!!!!

After we all cleaned up and compared notes on spa treatments we headed to one of the resort restaurants to have dinner.

I naturally needed a martini (I was still stressed from the bomber...and no I don't mean GOTTESS looking like the Unabomber (or is it Unibomber? I have spelled it both ways to cover myself...) but the real bomber in Boston...) and a glass of wine...and a large very rare steak...

We had a lovely table by the fireplace (which sadly that night didn't work but whatev's....) and our waiter came and took our drink order...

First indication we were not in great "waiter hands"...SuSu ordered some bottled water which was PLOPPED in front of her...

WITHOUT A GLASS...

Um...no...

SuSu handled that quickly....and I still relish the fact I was across from her so I could see the look on her pretty face when that bottled PLOPPED down in front of her...

Dinner was good but I will admit it was not the best steak ever...but I was hungry...and the smoked mashed potatoes were the bomb.com....

We had a really lovely time just enjoying each others company and when the waiter presented the bill he informed us that he was a magician...

yeah right...

so he comes back and says "Do you want the best 2 minute magic show ever or the best 5 minute magic show ever?"

Why take 2 when you can get 5?

So we rolled with 5...

I can't describe it all here but I will say this:

THERE WAS MORE SCREAMING AT THAT TABLE THEN THERE WAS ON THE PINK JEEP TOUR

He totally freaked us out...

And I will admit it just might be the best 5 minute magic show I ever saw...but he still wasn't a very good waiter...

You know how you say "stick to your day job?"...in his case he needs to stick to his night job...

I just don't get the feeling there is a large call for magicians in Sedona...

So after dinner we headed back to the casa for a night of sleep and since SOME of us were getting up at 4:30 we needed to get to bed...

And I will say that SOME of us did not include moi....

Because the gals getting up at 4:30 were going on a balloon ride...

which leads us to....

Chapter 13: UP UP AND AWAY IN MY BEAUTIFUL BALLOON...EXCEPT THAT I AM STAYING ON TERRA FIRMA THANKYOUVERYMUCH

GOTTESS and SuSu and KuteKerry got up at 4:30...

And right there my friends I am leaving you with the proverbial "cliffhanger"...

That's right...

I'm stopping this blog right now...

Because my darlings you have really read enough, no?

So I think I will stop right here and I PROMISE I will finish and post the rest of this blog by...let's say...Friday?

Maybe tomorrow...

But for now I am gonna let you rest your tired eyes and finish your drink...

So in the next blog I will answer pressing questions such as:

1) So what went on during the balloon ride?

2) why didn't Anice go?

3) what happened on the rest of the trip

4) why the hell is this blog called "Lime in the Coconut"?

yes...all in due time my darlings...

Inspiration Song: "Lime in the Coconut" by Harry Nilsson...and no, I'm not explaining it JUST YET...

Bye Darlings....I'll finish my little travel tale for you very very soon I promise...pinky swear...criss cross applesauce....

Let's Hear it for the Boy

15 years ago God graced me with the most perfect gift ever...my son...

Today he turns 15...and it totally freaks me out.

I am asking myself all the cliche questions...

"Where did the time go?"

"How did he get so big?"

"How do I have a child who can DRIVE?' (learner's permit)

"Why is my toddler now a man?"

I will fully and readily admit (because I have witnesses to this) that...

I DID NOT WANT A BOY

I cried to some friends after my ultrasound that I was so unhappy I was having a boy...I liked girl things and girl stuff and not boy clothes and boy stuff...and...sports...

But I got over it in about a day and decided that my ex be damned (we were married at the time) that my boy was still going to wear sweet clothes and smocked little outfits...

And he did...

I had a fairly easy time with his labor.  Ke$ha Barbie took her own sweet time (it was an indicator of things to come) but he decided he was hungry and wanted out.

He was born at 1:43 in the afternoon...I do remember being slightly perturbed that his arrival was interrupting the end of "The Bold and the Beautiful" and that "As the World Turns" was going to be out of the question.

He was blasted out by a fair amount of Pitocin and a lot of pushing from his mother.

My OB, who is a friend of mine, spent the entire delivery dissecting the gowns worn by the actresses at the previous night's Oscar ceremony.  We voted Kim Basinger "worst dressed".  I am pretty sure it was the year of Titanic...

She placed him on my stomach and he proceeded to try and drag himself up my body to my breast.

My OB encouraged me to nurse him ...so I did...he was a hungry little baby...(it was an indicator of things to come).

Although I had an easy delivery with him, he was not an easy baby.  His sister was an easy baby...The Cutest Boy in the World (TCBITW) was not...

He only really liked me...

He hated hated hated car rides and that car seat basket thing...

And he had an ear infection every 3 weeks.

He was a miserable baby.

His father was not sure he was entirely fond of him.  I'm not sure I blamed him.

But once we got the ear tubes put in he was a different child...a happy sweet baby boy.

The screaming in the car was unnerving.  The only thing that seemed to calm him was for his sister to sing "Wide Open Spaces" by the Dixie Chicks to him.  I'm not kidding...

My mother bought him a new car seat and that seemed to help.  I think it was the angle that the other one sat him in...with all of the ear infections I think it put pressure on his ears...

One night I had a meeting and Ke$ha Barbie and TCBITW were under the care of their father.  I think my son was about 3-5 months old.

My ex was giving them a bath together.  He LEFT THE SIDE OF THE TUB TO GO AND ANSWER THE PHONE.

When he came back my son had slipped under the water...he was laying face up with 5 inches of water over him and Ke$ha Barbie happily splashing away (she was 5...and she swears that even though at that time she considered him to be her mortal enemy she did not wish him to drown).

His father scooped him up (he was under about 10 seconds maybe) and he was fine.

I still remind my ex of that at times...but only in a joking way...it would be hurtful to do so otherwise.

My ex had planned to keep it quiet...along with my mother as she was who was on the phone...but Ke$ha Barbie informed me of it the second I got home.

I got over it...and I got over the clothes stuff and the sports stuff too...

I love watching my son participate in any sport...I am sad he is no longer playing lacrosse because I really love watching it...and I have found my love for wrestling and I tolerate football (but if he gets another concussion he is DONE).

I could blog endlessly about how amazing and awesome I think my son (and daughter) are but who wants to read that?

I will tell you that he is smart, he is wise, he is handsome, he is funny, he is charming, and he is a total and complete nerd and I am just fine with it.

The only thing about him I would change is his addiction to Xbox...and maybe the way he enjoys passing gas in my car...

The Xbox thing is unnerving at times...he plays with a headset on and says the craziest things out loud...it's like he has Tourette's or something...

I think my favorite thing he ever said was:

"Don't kiss me, Mom! I'm trying to assassinate people here!"

I hope this is not an indication of things to come....

When he was little he had a thing about sleeves...and he still does...he can't stand to have long sleeves on.  When he was a toddler he would wave his arms around and say "I don't "wike" weeves" (I don't like sleeves).

He could most often be found with only one shoe on.  Or just one sock.  I have an awesome picture of that from my friend DivineDana.  Our sons were the best of friends and I have some truly amazing photos thanks to her photography skills.  Awesome pictures that will make excellent blackmail through the years.  My son loved and still loves her, her son, and her husband...and I am pretty sure he thinks that their daughter is gorgeous but he won't admit it because "ewww gross that is my friend's SISTER!"

His sister tortured him endlessly.  She used to claim he completely ruined his life.

I am happy to say they love each other now but for a while there I was pretty sure one of them was going to kill the other.

I'm not so sure she still isn't trying to kill him because she informed me she bought him (dead) grenades for his birthday at some Army/Navy surplus store.  She keeps assuring me they are harmless...and I am pretty sure he will love them.

Right now he wants an assault rifle more than anything in this world.  I think he has earned the undying love of my friend RoyBoy for that one...I told him that the only gun I was planning to purchase was a small handgun painted "Tiffany Blue"...that is much more me than an assault rifle...

He's not perfect but he comes close.

When I look at him I am filled with joy...it's like he's a Disney Movie or something...

he walks into a room and woodland creatures begin to come out, music plays, rainbows and flowers bloom, and the sun shines...

all because he walked into the room...

Every.Single.Time.

He has the most beautiful blue eyes.

He has one dimple (just like me)...I say it is where the angels kissed him before sending him down to me.

He hates vegetables (even though I craved only veggies when I was pregnant...maybe that was an indicator of things to come?)

He has blonde hair that gets so bleached out during the summer I call him "Q-tip"

He has always had a deep voice...

He's strong as an ox...but sweet and soft and sensitive...

He will make some woman a very lucky wife and he will be a wonderful father...I just pray that is decades or at least many many years away...

God knew what he was doing when he gave me a son...he gave me such a treasure...and I am so lucky to be his mother.

Inspiration Song: "Let's Hear it for the Boy" by Deniece Williams...from the "Footloose" soundtrack...you know when Ren teaches Willard how to dance...

Bye Darlings...let's hear it for my boy...he is 15 today...and let's hear it for all the boys (and girls) that God has blessed us with...

I Enjoy Being a Girl

Don't ask me why but when I was a child I was pretty much obsessed with this song...

The fact that it came from a musical about Chinese Americans and the cultural clash between the generations was lost on me...I just loved the song...

I knew it came from "Flower Drum Song" and I can tell you that without a doubt I have always been and will always be a HUGE Rogers and Hammerstein fan...

I can sing every word to every song in "Cinderella" and "The Sound of Music" and "Oklahoma" and I come pretty close with "South Pacific" and "The King and I".  Notsomuch with "Carousel" and "State Fair" and although I have seen the film version of "Flower Drum Song" this is the only song I know...well, this and "Chop Suey".

I am a big Lerner and Lowe fan too ("Camelot" and "My Fair Lady"...I have always been a musical theater nut...that is why I love and get along so well with GOTT and GOTTESS...

But this song...oh, it spoke to me then and it speaks to me now...

Because I have always enjoyed being a girl...always...

I used to sing this song while playing it on my RECORD PLAYER in my bedroom.  I could pantomime the entire song...and I especially loved the part that says:

"I talk on the telephone for hours with a pound and a half of cream upon my face"...

Here are most of the lyrics...because I am pretty sure that 99.99 % of you are unfamiliar (except for MarvelousMargaret...she can probably sing them all too):

When I have a brand new hairdo
With my eyelashes all in curl,
I float as the clouds on air do,
I enjoy being a girl!

When men say I'm cute and funny
And my teeth aren't teeth, but pearl,
I just lap it up like honey
I enjoy being a girl!

I flip when a fellow sends me flowers,
I drool over dresses made of lace,
I talk on the telephone for hours
With a pound and a half of cream upon my face!

I'm strictly a female female
And my future I hope will be
In the home of a brave and free male
Who'll enjoy being a guy having a girl... like... me.

When men say I'm sweet as candy
As around in a dance we whirl,
It goes to my head like brandy,
I enjoy being a girl!

When someone with eyes that smoulder
Says he loves ev'ry silken curl
That falls on my iv'ry shoulder,
I enjoy being a girl!

When I hear the compliment'ry whistle
That greets my bikini by the sea,
I turn and I glower and I bristle,
But I happy to know the whistle's meant for me!

I'm strictly a female female
And my future I hope will be
In the home of a brave and free male
Who'll enjoy being a guy having a girl... like... me.

I mean, come on...it's like R&H wrote this song about ME!

It is like totally amazeballs...and totally me...

What brought all of this to mind was a little silly thing I did this week...I changed my facebook photo...

Wow...

It's amazing what channeling your inner drag queen can do for a girl...because you see I have learned A LOT about being a girl from drag queens.

I am a huge huge huge fan of "RuPaul's Drag Race" (if you haven't seen it, I beg you to do so...)

Once I went to New Orleans with my beautiful friend Glamazon for a bachelorette party.  We basically kidnapped our friend (who I will refer to as "Bridezilla" to protect her innocence) and threw her on a plane with a blindfold on.

Yes, this was well before 9/11...

We lied to her that she was going to Vegas...ALONE...and that someone would be there to pick her up.

The entire crew of the Southwest flight was in on the ruse...even the other passengers...

We snuck on the plane and midway through the flight attendants told her to remove the blindfold and go to the back of the plane where we were waiting...

I think she might have yelled "BITCHES" all the way down the aisle.

We got to NOLA and proceeded to have a wild and great night in the French Quarter.  We ate at a restaurant called "Lucky Cheng's" that did Asian/Cajun fusion food and all the waitresses were drag queens.  

Me, being a lover of all things gay, wild, and fun...and most especially drag queens (who are NOT all gay by the way...not that it matters anyway)...well, I thought this place was a hoot and a holler...

Our waitress was named "Paloma" and she had the most beautiful makeup I have ever seen. 

She.Was.Gorgeous.

She gave us makeup tips...I still use them...

Once, when I had an insomnia night, I tuned in to some show based on the movie "The Big Easy" and she was playing a waitress...

Paloma...thou art beautiful...

The hostess was a 6 ft. "something" (like bigger than 6 ft) tall black drag queen. She was also gorgeous...as all the waitresses were...but she was truly stunning.

She was wearing an "I dream of Jeannie" wig and satin maribou heels (in pink) that made her even taller.  She also had fabulous makeup.  

And her outfit...

Well, just picture it...

A pink lace dress...with pink satin bra and panties underneath.

Her eyelashes were to die for...

Amazeballs

I had to use the phone...this was in the dark ages before everyone carried a cell phone...so I had to use a real live phone...and I was directed to the hostess stand where the very beautiful angel in pink presided.

I had never left Ke$ha Barbie overnight so it was my first time...I called home to check on her and ended up in tears.

I look over at Black Barbie and she is crying too...

She took my hand and said "come on honey...we are going to the bar!" and proceeded to order me some drink I had to bang on the bar and slam down...

Ah...she was an angel.

We had a great time that night...and it ended at Cafe DuMonde and Glamazon had powdered sugar all over her face from the beignets...and damn she was still stunning...even with powdered sugar...

And she still is...like unbelievably gorgeous...and our girls are now in college but that night with her was one of the best of my life...I guess that is why I remember it so clearly...

So back to me and MY inner drag queen...

Lately I have been experimenting with my hair...I bought some new steam rollers and I've played with my hair with them...and I like them...and they are easy to use...and the leave my hair super soft and curly and pretty...

You might remember them from 20 years ago but they have vastly improved...I use the Caruso Steam Setter...

bought it on Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/Caruso-C97953-Molecular-Hairsetter-Rollers/dp/B0002JKPB8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1363834198&sr=8-1&keywords=caruso+steam+rollers

you might find a better deal than that but it was the first one that popped up...LOVE THEM

So I had my hair curled...

And I just got some new false eyelashes (being a drag queen myself I love me some lashes) and the most beautiful I have ever seen come from Lilly Lashes.  I am a total Bravo junkie and every time I watched "The Shah's of Sunset" I was obsessed with Lilly's eyes...well she has a false eyelash business and they are the bomb...and you can stack them...I just have one pair on in my facebook photo (Shanghai style)...and they have great customer service...

http://lillylashes.com/shop/

Amazeballs

so I took a photo and posted it to facebook...y'all seem to like it...

I saw my wonderful surgeon today...I told her I am her happiest patient...and yes, I enjoy all the "make me a better girl" things that Dr. Bonnie Baldwin did for me...and today I had her do Botox (I am an open book...don't mind telling you I let her fill my forehead with poison in the name of looking better!). 

She.Is.Amazing...

and if you need anything...from Botox to major surgery...she is the one to see...super nice as is her awesome staff...

I am healing up great and I have to say...

(again being a total open book here)

I love my boobs...

since I am a girl who never "had" boobs before...well, I really love mine...because I look totally natural...

I told her that they looked like God gave them to me...but instead he let his goddess (Dr. Baldwin) do it for him...

That's what I love about her...she gave me the body I wish I had been born with and I look natural and not fake or "done".

Amazeballs 

(JayVee loves that "amazeballs" is my new word...)

I even bought a bikini...

Now I will NOT under ANY circumstances post a photo of that here...no way no how...but I will happily wear it in my own back yard or when I go on a girl's trip with GOTTESS in a few weeks.

I have worn bikinis before but I did not look amazeballs in it...not that I do now but I sure as hell look better...

I think the last time I looked good in a bikini I was 5 and Aunt Jane rescued me from a wave in Hawaii...

(please note that there is like a whole STANZA about wearing a bikini in the above mentioned song...)

I do enjoy being a girl...

I love wearing perfume and lace...

My bathroom counter looks like a Sephora store exploded on it...

I love my new figure and the fact I finally have cute breasts...

I love getting flowers...and right now since I don't have a man to give me flowers I buy my own lilies at Whole Foods...

I like putting on makeup and curling my hair and wearing cute clothes...

I.Love.Lingerie. (the prettier the better)

I love high high high heels...

I wear cute workout clothes (but thankfully not the see-thru Lululemon pants)

But I also love taking my cute girly self and getting into my big ass truck...

So some day, when a man is good enough to earn me (and drives his own big ass truck) I hope he appreciates having a girl like me...until then The Cutest Boy in the World is just happy when I shower and take him to dinner...and he's a damn good date...

So enjoy being whatever YOU are...a girly girl...a guy's guy...a not-so-femme woman...whatever you like being...just be the best version of yourself and love yourself as you are...and enjoy being WHO you are...

Be...

AMAZEBALLS

Inspiration Song: "I Enjoy Being a Girl" from "Flower Drum Song"...many versions from Doris Day to Peggy Lee to soundtracks...I enjoy them all...

Bye Darlings...channel your inner drag queen (seriously go watch RuPaul) and enjoy being a girl...or a guy...just enjoy being YOU!

Second Chance

We all need second chances...

do-overs so to speak...

although sometimes a second chance CAN actually be remaking something into a new life.

So whether it is a do-over or a re-make or recycle, everything needs a second chance

Well maybe not EVERYTHING but MOST things.

I gave my ex a second chance for 5 years and things didn't really change...but I did give him a second chance.  For me it was pretty clear that nothing was going to change and I needed out but for the sake of our kids I held on a little longer with the hope that things would improve but they did not...

And I wanted a second chance at life...my life...a better life...

And so I did take that second chance and asked for a divorce...but I do want it on the record that I did give him a second chance before any of you start telling me I should practice what I preach and I think this may be the biggest example of "did you give it a do-over?".

Yes.

I did.

I also gave myself a second chance at a healthy life when I started my diet.

And I gave myself a second chance at a "prettier" life when I had my surgery.

So all of this got me thinking about second chances.

It really hit me the other day when I went to SweetSally's spin class (not to be confused with SweetSallie because she is a different instructor altogether and I love them both).

The first few times I took her spin class I was like "meh" about it...but JayVee kept encouraging me to give her another chance.  I loved her as a person but as an instructor the jury was still out.

So on Sunday I went to her class and you know what?

I freakin' loved it...LOVED it...

Like she burned JayVee class kind of calories off me and her music rocked.

I.Am.A.Believer.

Except...

dammit now she is moving out of town this spring...

ugh...

But until then I will catch every class I can to soak up her awesome sweetness and the fun of her class.

I took a second chance again yesterday when I decided that I was ready for the "make me feel like puking" class that is ShockWave.  I am not ready for SweetSallie's boot camp (or JayVee's amazing Total Body Jam) yet, but I was ready for her ShockWave.

At least I thought I was until I had to row 450 meters...when I was done with that I thought I was not going to get a second chance but was headed to the Afterlife...(yes that was a few blogs ago).

I didn't get sick but it was a close one.

I am happy to report (because I know Dimples is reading this and will ask) that I only lost about 5-10% off my times on the rower. (The 10% being the 2 seconds I lost on my 100 meter rowing...up to 20 seconds from my usual 18).  There's your stats Dimples...

So giving ShockWave was a good second chance.

I do wish I was a recycler....but I'm not.  I mean I will reuse and repurpose things when I can but no I don't save my paper and cans...besides they don't have recycle trash pick up in my neighborhood.  I do, however, recycle my My Fit Food containers.  For some reason I cannot throw them away...so if you want some, let me know...I have a ton of them...I put all my leftovers in them and have even used them to pack and organize things...

Ke$ha Barbie gives clothes a second chance all the time.  She wears some of my mother's old things and repurposes them into things that I know my mom would never have thought to wear them like and she is also super fond of shopping at the Thrift Stores (Goodwill is too nice...she prefers Value Village and some place in Boston that you pay by the pound).  She gives those Bill Cosby Old Man sweaters new life on her...they are still Bill Cosby Old Man sweaters but she manages to rock them...but sometimes she still looks like a homeless troll...

Sometimes I give wine a second chance...now if it's bad it quickly gets labeled "cooking" and saved for that.

But on the off chance that I don't finish a bottle and it starts to not be drinkable I also use it for cooking...like in spaghetti sauce or to make a sauce.

Now those of you who know me well are probably thinking "when does she have a bottle of wine that she does not finish"...

Well, there are times...but that is usually only when the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars...(and if you don't know what the hell I am talking about here you may be too young to read this blog...just sayin....Google it)

But yes I sometimes have leftover wine and it gets a second chance in spaghetti sauce...

Sometimes dinner gets a second chance...like I will often purposely cook more than The Cutest Boy in the World and I can eat because I know I want to use the leftovers for something else...like Tuesday I made fajitas and tonight I made fajita pizza...it saves me time and effort and basically TCBITW will eat anything if I put it on a pizza...

except broccoli
and corn
well pretty much any veggie but onions...

TCBITW does not do most veggies...he was the pickiest eater in the world as a child but is now pretty adventurous (like he will eat Ethiopian raw kitfo, loves raw but not cooked salmon and tuna, and is pretty happy at an Indian restaurant).

Veggies, well some veggies, have been given a second chance...like most beans...except peas and snow peas and green beans...and yes, I know peas are not a bean but...

and he ate a grilled artichoke the other night which shocked me so much I texted his father to tell him...

and he has always been a potato fan and is usually ok with onions...

now corn...that is the one he will NEVER give a second chance to...he literally detests corn...like he has thrown it up he hates it so much...he says it is a texture thing.  He will eat corn chips and popcorn and corn tortillas...just no corn.

Go figure...what kid does not eat corn?

My kid...

Me, I can't think of a veggie I won't eat and Ke$ha Barbie is pretty much the same...

I'm just glad that TCBITW is at an age where he is willing to try things he has before said he hated or did not like...

I often give people a second chance...

let me re-state that...I will always give people I LOVE a second chance and most times I will give people I LIKE a second chance...but if I didn't like you from the start, I have often found that my first impressions (and when I say first impression I don't mean 5 minutes of meeting you but maybe a few hours or days or times I have met you) of people are usually right.  I have been wrong but often if I meet someone and get to know them and find I don't care for them, even if I give them a second chance down the line it is rare that that person becomes a fixture in my life...

but I have been wrong...and a few I have changed my mind about.

When you DON'T get a second chance with me is when you:
abuse me or my friendship
take advantage of me or my kids
"use" me
or make me part of a lie that I have no part in...I will not be anyone's scapegoat...

Do that to me and it is "goodbye"...pretty much forever...

I am a loving and loyal friend and if an honest mistake is made you will be forgiven and given a second chance...but cross a line with me and I am as bad as Bobby Shelton about it...

you are voted off the island

forever

I may forgive you but you will not be let back on the island with me...you gotta float out there and hope no sharks come by that are hungry because I'm gonna stand on the sand of my island and push you back in the water if you try...

A few times I have let someone back on the island and it has not ended well...because I often find if someone abuses me once they will try again.

That is why I don't have a relationship with my stepmonster...

I will be polite to you but there will be no more sharing of the campfire and we sure as hell are not making smores together.

It's not that I don't forgive...there are people I have had misunderstandings with that I can fully say I was 60-99% to blame and things have ended well and forgiveness has happened on both ends and I am very relieved that I still have that person to love.

I forgive because I also want to be forgiven because heaven knows I need all but a papal blessing to get forgiven for many things in my life (which right now I can't get since there is no pope so I better behave...and I'm not Catholic).

I want a second chance...I have been given a second chance too many times to count...

So I give second chances.

But like the old adage:
fool me once, shame on you
fool me twice, shame on me...

you mess with me or my kids twice...game over...and you are voted off the island.

Second chances are important.  I try to daily...or at least weekly...give someone or something a second chance...

hell my cat gets a second and third chance almost hourly...

so I try...

So if you are reading this, and you think I am preaching...well, maybe I am...because as a Christian I know I have been given a second chance thanks to Jesus dying for me...and as a mom I know mistakes happen, and as a woman I know that men need forgiveness minute-by-minute...

So give someone or something a second chance...

and don't wait until the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars...because then peace will guide the planets and love will steer the stars...

Google it...

I might just have to blog on that one too...oh yeah...I think I will...

Inspiration Song: "Second Chance" by Shinedown...I love me some Shinedown...great band...and this is a great song...a few years ago I used a different "Second Chance" song by Peter Bjorn and John...

Bye Darlings...give someone or something a second chance...you will be glad you did...

No Scrubs

Now part of me would really like to write this blog about:

1) not wanting to date a doctor...but actually I'm not sure I would be opposed to it...maybe....

or

2) not wanting to be around doctors...and no, I don't usually enjoy doctors...but I do love my plastic surgeon Dr. Bonnie Baldwin...

No, this has to do with one of my favorite hip-hop songs of all time...No Scrubs...by the great girl group TLC

here are the lyrics...

"No Scrubs"

A scrub is a guy who thinks he's fly
And is also known as a buster
Always talkin' about what he wants
And just sits on his broke ass
So (no)

I don't want your number (no)
I don't want to give you mine and (no)
I don't want to meet you nowhere (no)
I don't want none of your time and (no)

[Chorus:]
I don't want no scrub
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
Hanging out the passenger side
Of his best friend's ride
Trying to holler at me
I don't want no scrub
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
Hanging out the passenger side
Of his best friend's ride
Trying to holler at me

But a scrub is checkin' me
But his game is kinda weak
And I know that he cannot approach me
Cuz I'm lookin' like class and he's lookin' like trash
Can't get wit' no deadbeat ass
So (no)

I don't want your number (no)
I don't want to give you mine and (no)
I don't want to meet you nowhere (no)
I don't want none of your time (no)

[Chorus]

If you don't have a car and you're walking
Oh yes son I'm talking to you
If you live at home wit' your momma
Oh yes son I'm talking to you (baby)
If you have a shorty but you don't show love
Oh yes son I'm talking to you
Wanna get with me with no money
Oh no I don't want no (oh)

No scrub
No scrub (no no)
No scrub (no no no no no)
No scrub (no no)

Since I've just spent my second Valentines Day alone as a single girl and although The Cutest Boy in the World makes a very fine valentine (especially now since he broke up with his adorable girlfriend...she was very cute and I still adore her...but he wanted to fly solo and since he is only 14 I have no problem with that), I think maybe at some point I would like to have a man that brought me chocolates and lilies (and maybe some Agent Provocateur lingerie) for a V-day gift.

Not that I am complaining mind you...I really am ok...I've had a pretty full plate what with wrestling and Ke$ha Barbie in college and my surgery...but at some point it might be nice to have someone to share wine with (preferably Michael David Rapture)...and I don't want no scrub...

So with apologies to Tameka Cottle, Kandi Burruss (yes, THE Kandi from "Real Housewives of Atlanta") and Kevin Briggs (the songwriters), I would like to give you MY version...the "White Chick Middle Aged Barbie" version...

A scrub is a guy who thinks he's fly
And is also known as a loser...
Always talking about what he NEEDS
And just sits on his big ass
so (no)

I don't want your number (no)
I don't want to give you mine (no)
I don't want to meet you nowhere (no)
I don't want to share any kind of wine (no)

I don't want no scrub
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
hanging out at the bar all night
with a bunch of guys
trying to holler at me
I don't want no scrub
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
hanging out on eharmony
and match.com
trying to get attention from me

But a scrub is checking me
and his game is very weak
and I know that he can't approach me
because I'm looking like class and he looks like an asss
can't get with no dumbass
so (no)

I don't want your email (no)
I don't want to give you mine (no)
I don't want to meet you anywhere (no)
I don't want to none of your kind (no)

I don't want no scrub
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
hanging out at a club all night
with random guys
trying to meet girls like me
I don't want no scrub
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
drinking beer  and
watching sports all night
trying to date a girl like me

If you have a truck but don't DRIVE it
oh yes man I am talking to you
If you live at home with your mama
oh yes fella I'm talking to you
You have kids but you don't show loving
oh yes dude I'm talking to you
Want to get with me with no money
oh no I don't want no (oh)

No scrubs
No scrubs

I don't want no scrubs
a scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
hanging out at at all the wrong spots
while drinking a bunch
trying to date a girl like me...

OK, you get the picture...

I just want a dude that drives a big ass truck, has a job, doesn't spend his spare time at bars and clubs, loves children, thinks my friends are great (because they are) and knows I like lilies.  Throw in blue eyes, dimples, a great sense of humor and enjoys working out and we might have a winner...

I am seriously considering making any guy that wants to date me go through an interview with GOTT and GOTTESS and JayVee and The Hunk and maybe KuteKaren and RoyBoy too...I mean schools do it for admissions so why shouldn't some guy get screened and approved by the people I love...

Once he passes that test he would have to pass the ultimate...D'nice...and she won't let no scrubs near me for sure...Lord help the man that tries to get past her that isn't up to HER standards for me...

On second thought I might be alone for a long time...

and for now...that's ok...

because I don't want no scrub...

I'd rather be alone

Inspiration Song: "No Scrubs" by TLC.  The other day JayVee asked me to burn her an old school hip hop song from my library and it brought to mind this song...as it is one of her favorites and mine she played it in spin class and it was a "10" on the fun scale...I sang every word...loudly...drove the Tamster nuts but Tiff loved it...

Bye Darlings...I don't want no scrubs...unless they are on a really good looking doctor who drives a truck and will go watch musical theater with me and knows I prefer cabernet to pinot...

Unpretty

So now that I have filled you in on TCBITW and his wrestling let's get back to something REALLY interesting...

me
me
me

Because it is all about me you know...

at least this blog is....

So thanks to the 5 hour drive to Dallas and back that included an extended period of time on an overpass due to road construction and 8 hours in the gym I am now in what is commonly referred to as "swell hell".

I know that my working out has increased my swelling as well.  Dr. Baldwin warned me about that.  And if she knew the extent of the torturous rapturous ordeal that JayVee's spin class is she might have told me that I would pass "swelling" and move straight to "blown up like a balloon"...

So despite the fact that working out is good for me, it does make me swell.

And then there is that other little factor in there....

Buc'ees...

now for those of you who are unfamiliar...well, bless your hearts...because Buc'ees is only the most awesome road side rest stop/store/food place...well, like...ever...

and I do mean ever...

there is nothing like a Buc'ees...

clean restrooms
drink stations where you can be your own mixologist like at Sonic
great ice
jerkey
homemade fudge
beaver nuggets (some sort of popcorn like puffed thing that is totally addicting)

but you can also buy crap...like a cookbook for 101 things to do with Ramen noodles (I picked that up for Ke$ha Barbie), or a swing...or a blanket (I bought one on a choir bus trip because I was cold)...a BBQ pit...

various food items and things in jars

GOTT and TTG and I even bought a cane to use as a prop in a show once...

So on my little overnight trip to Dallas I indulged in Buc'ees...I had a sandwich, some jerkey, and once at the hotel I had a wee bit of fudge...and a wee bit more on the way home...

At the wrestling meet I could not bear to eat...mostly because there wasn't much in dining choices (unless I robbed the boys of their food and no way was I getting in the way of Mr. Heavyweight and his sandwich) and basically I just can't stomach anything when my son is wrestling.

So I had...a granola bar...

When the tournament was over at 4:00 I went straight to In and Out Burger and got me a double double with fries and a Diet Coke.  Since we don't have In and Out in Dallas I basically had to get one...

I hit Buc'ees on the way back to get another drink and more crap for TCBITW to have once he got home since he no longer has to make weight.

So this week I am up like 10 lbs...

what the hell?

Really?

REALLY?

Are you kidding me?

It really started to freak me out...like to the point of wanting to cry...

But Dr. Baldwin warned me this would happen...and frankly I totally deserve at least 2 lbs thanks to In and Out and Buc'ees...

Last night I had TCBITW end of season wrestling party...

(we pause now for me to inform you his coach awarded him the "Rookie of the Year" award and he was the only Freshman to make it into the stat books...awesome...my boy is awesome...and he is following the footsteps of Pretty Eyed Joe who was named as a captain next year...he will be the only junior to be one...yes I totally cried over both...ok back to the blog...end of bragging)

I had to figure out what to wear so I opted for a maxi dress that hides the offending swelling.

Sunday night I met a friend up at my club and another friend (male...just a friend...besides he drives a 4 runner not a big ass truck) kept telling me how great I looked...if only he knew that I had on major hardware in the form of my compression garment to keep it all in...I still felt puffy but it was nice to hear...

I basically live in maxi dresses and yoga pants...

So today I am driving around and I have my iPod plugged in and it's playing the latest group of songs I downloaded for JayVee for spin class and "Unpretty" comes on...

And although the words aren't how I feel (if you don't know the song it is about a girl who feels unpretty because someone else makes her feel that way about herself), I did feel a bit unpretty today.

But unlike the song, no one is MAKING me feel that way...

I am making myself feel that way...

So once I got home it was time for a little chat with Anice.

Because she needed a good talking to...

I have spent all this time in money on myself and I am gonna let a little swelling make me feel bad about myself?

Hell to the no...

What an idiot...

It's swelling...its not permanent and I can lose the weight...

But for about 1/2 hour today I was really feeling bad about myself.

And then I remembered seeing model Cameron Russell (she is a Victoria's Secret "Angel") on Good Morning America today and they discussed her TED talk and how she points out that many people think life would just be better if they had shinier hair and thinner thighs and if you were around a group of models, all with shiny hair and thin thighs that all they do is moan about how bad they look...

wow

some of the most beautiful women in the world...or rather women who are held up as a standard to others...and they still feel unpretty

So then I thought...

to hell with it...

I take care of myself

I workout almost every day

I eat healthy 80-90% of the time

I just had a tummy tuck and BA that make me feel great

I can survive JayVee's spin class

And the most important thing of all:

THE INSIDE OF ME IS QUITE PRETTY...I AM A LOVING WOMAN WHO PUTS OTHERS FIRST AND WOULD GIVE THE SHIRT OFF MY BACK TO A FRIEND...

INSIDE...

I.AM.GORGEOUS

So...

I'm no supermodel...and there aren't any men in big ass trucks lining up to take me out...

BUT...

I am not unpretty

even with the 10 extra swollen pounds...

I'm just having a "fat day"...

so I put on my baggy pants...

and my compression binder underneath for good measure...

and I had a few bites of chocolate mousse after the Ethiopian cuisine feast I cooked my boy...

and tomorrow...

I won't be unpretty either...

if only I could get my hair to have more oooomph...

here I go again....

Inspiration Song: "Unpretty" by TLC...actually a pretty good lesson for girls to not let some boy tell them they aren't pretty enough...

Bye Darlings....we all have unpretty days...just get over yourself and remember that it is the beauty inside of us that is important...