Burnin' For You

Hi Darlings...

It's been forever and a day since I blogged...

Well not quite forever but at least 5 months or so.

So much has happened:

I finished chemo
I managed to be the #hotmess patient of the year in the infusion center (that is for another blog)
I costumed our musical
Our musical got nominated as one of the 8 best high school musicals in Houston
My girls and I got nominated for best costumes for our musical
We got to perform on the Hobby Stage for the Tommy Tune Awards
My fabulous daughter graduated from college
My son finished his freshman year at TAMU

and...

it turns out my type of uterine cancer is particularly vicious and nasty so I had to start radiation...

So basically I get nuclear stuff aimed at my body every M-F...

I had high hopes that the radiation (or rads as I like to call them) would not be necessary.  Dr. Rockstar scooped up as much cancer as she could and then she and the infusion team poisoned the rest out of me.

But since I have the nasty kind of cancer that likes to return and kill you she felt I needed to see a radiology oncologist and make sure we did all we could to be sure it stayed far far away from me.

Enter Dr. Angel...

KuteKaren came with me to meet Dr. Angel.

In walks a sweet quiet man and despite his sweet demeanor he managed to knock me on my booty because he told me some things about my cancer that I did not know...

I had been warned by my Internist not to Google my cancer...one night in a weak moment I did but I didn't get far.

Bless his heart he didn't know I didn't know some things...

like...

the survival rate for my particular cancer is 10 years.

Um....

damn...

I burst into tears...

KuteKaren started to cry...

He got flustered

the nurse holds me...

and then KuteKaren once again says the words of strength she always says when I need it:

"You are a magical unicorn and you do not fit into any box.  You are not normal.  You will not be average.  You will live."

Poor Dr. Angel...

I left there a confused hot mess...

But after a long chat with Dr. Rockstar I saw that I had no choice but to turn my care over to Dr. Angel and let him make sure that my nasty cancer was vanquished.

And as it turns out he's kind of a badass himself despite his sweet, shy quiet demeanor...like head of department and stuff...

So I am now in the hands of Dr. Angel and his awesome staff...

Let me tell you a little something about uterine cancer---you lose all your dignity...

every day I have to lay down on a hard table with a full bladder with my naked backside completely uncovered while this machine whirs and spins around me...

and most of the radiation techs are men...

good times people...good times...

ok so now that I have completely bored you all to death you have to be wondering what has propelled me to blog after all this time and surely it can't be a description of my adventures in getting nuclear poison shot into me...

And there is...

because while I lay there on that table while Dr. Angel's fancy big machine does it's thing I have a lot of time to pray...and think...

And mostly I think about how blessed I am...

I am blessed to have health insurance
I am blessed to live in Houston with the best medical care of any city
I am blessed to have found Dr. Rockstar and Dr. Angel
I am blessed that Dr. Gorgeous found my cancer and made sure I was in good hands
I am blessed that my Aunt Jane has been my partner in all of this
I am blessed that my children have been so loving and supportive
I am blessed that I still have my hair thanks to cold capping
I am blessed that I started bleeding so that Dr. Gorgeous could find the cancer
I am blessed that God opened my heart and eyes and brain to listen to my doctors
I am blessed that the chemo did its job
I am blessed that I was barely sick during chemo...just tired
I am blessed that despite what a pain in the neck it is to drive to the Med Center everyday---I can
and

I am blessed to be alive

I spent most of last spring feeling sorry for myself...

I had so many pity parties I should be a professional Pity Party Planner...

I kept thinking about all the things I was missing out on...things I didn't have...and what was missing from my life because of cancer...

I was mad that I was doing this alone...that I didn't have a love and a partner to support me through this...

I was furious at the weight I gained and that I didn't have the energy and strength to do something about it...

But then I got to feeling better...

and I got stronger....

and I realized that I DID have partners---my aunt Jane, KuteKaren, TwirlerGirl, Wonder Woman (who also kicked cancer in the ass), my "mamas" Shari and Jo, Pretty Phyllis, JayVee, and all of my wonderful friends...

And I started feeling well enough to return to my beloved Revolution Studios to spin my heart out and FINALLY get back to yoga...

And my internist helped me with a few changes in my diet and offered to help me with my weight loss by having me come in weekly to weigh in and check my progress...

And I began to see not what I was missing...

BUT WHAT I HAVE

And to not be so scared of what MIGHT happen and start to be grateful for what WAS happening...

Each day when I lay down on that table I pray...

I start my prayers with prayers for others---those who have asked for prayers and those I know need praying over...and for all the other patients in the building...

why do I start with others?

Because I am the kind of person that despite what the flight attendant says---I am always going to put the oxygen mask on my loved one first before putting on my own...

And I believe that I should lay the needs of others at His feet before I ask for my own...

after my prayers for others I thank Him for my blessings...for my doctors and the staff...for my ability to be treated and that my cancer was found...

and then I THANK HIM for the cancer...

because I have learned more about life from this damn cancer than just about anything else in my life (other than parenting...I've learned a lot from raising two humans).

I THANK HIM because I KNOW that He will use me and my cancer to help others...

maybe it's to get someone to the doctor...

or to spread the word about cold capping to save your hair during chemo...

or to learn more about uterine pappilary serous carcinoma...

or maybe it's just to teach me to be humble and grateful.

I don't know why He is using me but I believe He is...

or maybe it's just so I can understand the meaning of a blessing...

I never thought I would get cancer but I did...

and I never thought I would consider it a blessing but I do...

because what doesn't kill us makes us stronger and we learn more from our trials than from out successes...

So the next time you are looking at something that scares you...or feels like you are being punished instead of rewarded try looking at it as a blessing...a chance to learn or grow...

some things are harder to overcome than others but I can tell you that from now on I am going to make a lot more lemonade out of the lemons I am handed in life...

Blessings are where you least expect them sometimes and I know that I am on a path of blessings...

The path is rough...it's full of holes and rocks and steep passages and I can't see but a few feet in front of me but hell I am on a path and I will keep going as long as my legs will carry me...

And tomorrow I will climb onto that table and have radiation poured into my body and I will thank the Lord I am on that table and will pray for my friends and count my blessings...

Inspiration Song: Burnin for You by Blue Oyster Cult...because each day I lay down on that table I am burnin away that cancer...

Bye Darlings...sorry for the boring blog but it gives you an update...and remember to count your blessings...it makes for a happier life...