Feels

Hellloooooo Darlings!

I have resolved to get back to blogging so here I am...and hopefully I won't be blogging much more about Uterine Pappilary Serous Carcinoma because...

(insert a drumroll here in your head):

I AM DONE WITH MY CANCER TREATMENTS!!!!

(now mentally throw a lot of glitter and confetti around and do a little dance...I will wait....)

That's right...I finished my cancer treatments!

I officially finished on Thursday, July 27 at about 12:30.

I even got a cute little certificate signed by Dr. Angel to forever remind me of what I have been through.

So after:
6 rounds of Taxol and Carboplatin chemotherapy...
25 external beam radiation treatments
3 brachytherapy treatments (I'm gonna let you Google it...he used a Capri unit to do it...)
a complete hysterectomy
5 lymph glands removed
untold number of pills
lots of blood tests
several CT scans
hours of freezing my scalp to keep my hair
and 30 lbs gained and now thankfully lost
hours and hours and hours spent at 6400 Fannin and driving to and from there

I AM A CANCER SURVIVOR

(throw some more glitter around...dance a bit more...)

but here's the weird part....

I don't know how I feel about it.

I feel a little lost...

and I know that sounds COMPLETELY INSANE

For the better part of 9 months I have been fighting for my life and trying to be cured.

It has pretty much been the focus of my life for these 9 months except for a few brief weeks in May between treatments and in January and February when I was so immersed in my show that cancer was like a pesky gnat but I just kept swatting it away.

For 5 weeks I spent Monday-Friday planning my life around when I would go to 6400 Fannin and let Dr. Angel and his team nuke me.  It took up a good portion of my day because you don't just walk in, flop on the table and then leave...you have to see Dr. Angel and the nurses regularly...the table gets backlogged because someone is late...

and don't even get me started on parking in that damn parking garage...I've spent hours seeking a parking space there until a learned a little trick...message me if you have to go there and I will share what I have learned...

Cancer treatments made me alter how I ate...what I ate...IF I ate...

I had to back off of my workout during chemo and had to give up yoga...

I spent hours in my recliner just trying to rest and get my strength back...

I spent restless nights feeling crappy...or scared to death...

I lost my strength, I gained a ton of weight, and I lacked energy to do much except try to get well.

But now, thankfully, I am done with it!

But cancer doesn't just mess with you physically....

until you have found yourself at 2 am Googling the thing that is trying to kill you and what the survival rates are you don't know just how scared you can be...

or when a doctor tells you the survival rate for your cancer is 10 years and you realize that means you might die before you get to have the senior rate at the museum...

or when they tell you that if your tumor comes back it will be about quality of life and not saving your life...

well...you just pretty much are terrified out of your mind...

and trust me I fully know that there are more terrifying and deadly cancers than mine is...I do know that things could be worse.

I know I am incredibly blessed to have insurance and to have Dr. Rockstar and Dr. Angel doing everything in their power to cure me.

But beyond the physical cure you have to do some mental curing...

you have to get over the terror of having to have fought to live...

you have to find a way to wake up each and every day and not let the first thought in your head be "is this the day the cancer comes back"....

you have to find a way to find "normal" again....

and normal is a new normal once you have had cancer...because you are NOT the same person who had cancer once you are a survivor.

One of the strangest feelings I have confronted is the free falling terror I feel now that I am not walking into Dr. Angel's office every day.

for the last 6 weeks that precious man and his staff have literally watched over me like angels...they have fussed over me...taken countless vitals....constantly checked on how I was feeling...and have made sure that each and every day I am ok...

It's that kind of hand holding that people like me really need....

It's not that I need to be the center of attention or looked at but rather that I got very very comfortable knowing that each and every day my cancer was being taken care of...that the best doctor in this city was doing all he could to give me a future and that his nurses and techs were making sure it happened...

And now....even though I am so grateful to have the time back and not have to drive across the city each day....I now worry about NOT having someone making sure nothing was wrong...because part of me is terrified that if I get to forgetting about my cancer it will sneak back up on me and kill me.

Crazy, right?

I thought so until I talked to some of my friends who are survivors who told me it's not an unusual feeling to have...

whew....

like I said....cancer messes with your brain as well...

I'm beginning to start to be ok without the constant watching but trust me until I go get my next CT scan and Dr Angel tells me it is all clear I won't breathe easily...

I feel so so so much better physically.

I'm back to working out almost every day (I force myself to take breaks).  I have returned to my beloved Revolution Studio with more love than ever for the spin and yoga classes and the staff and instructors.  Every drop of sweat that pours out of my body feels like a victory because 6 months ago it was all I could do sometimes to get out of my chair.

Dr. Angel was blown away by the fact that I kept exercising through all of the radiation treatments and he thinks that my spin and yoga classes have gone a long way toward my well being as well as my looking and feeling so much better.  I agree....I feel better now than I did on May 1...and I even feel better than I did on June 14 when I started radiation treatments.

Every downward dog feels like a prayer and every spin class feels like the Olympics of my life because I CAN ACTUALLY DO IT...

There were days during chemo that I doubted I would ever feel like really exercising again and that I would ever feel like going out to dinner or having fun again.

But now I do and I haven't felt this good in almost 2 years....

Now if I can only adjust my brain to feeling like it's not all a dream and that it won't all come crashing down on me any minute...

that the cancer won't come back....

I have had people tell me I made cancer look easy...

I have had some that I am sure have questioned how sick I really was and how bad my cancer was (I was SICK...and it was BAD...it's one that KILLS....I got LUCKY)

9 months ago my beloved gynocologist had to tell me that I had cancer...I still remember her saying the words and the strangely numb feeling I had...like she was talking to someone else...like it was not me that she was saying it to...like I was in a dream or watching a tv show.

No one goes through life waiting to hear the words "you have cancer" but some of us sadly will hear it.

I fully believe that I got through it like I did because of a  few things:
1) I had the best doctors in the world
2) I kept my hair (so I didn't look sick)
3) I decided from day one that it wouldn't own me...I would own it
4) I decided from day one that I would be a survivor and never called myself a victim
5) I had the best support anyone could have from my family and friends

And now I am done...

I am SO ready to move on with my life...

I am so ready to return to work and see my students and watch the magic they do on the stage...

I am so ready to further my yoga practice and continue my love of spinning...

I am so ready to go out to dinner and lunch and to parties and gatherings and feel social again...

I am so ready to meet a wonderful man who will go do fun things with me and will understand that I have been forged in fire so I am different from other women...

I am so ready for my kids to feel confident that they won't lose their mother

I am so ready to lose some of this weight and fit back into my cute clothes (I want to burn all the things I wore last spring when I felt bad)

I am so ready to hear my doctors tell me that my cancer is indeed gone...

and I am so ready to not talk so much about my cancer unless it is to help someone...

I feel terrified and exhilarated all at once.

I am terrified that if I don't see a doctor all the time that things will be happening to my body that will take my wellness away...and I am exhilarated that I am free to go on with my life.

I have so many many feelings...

I am sure many of you have battled something hard and/or terrifying in your life.

It doesn't have to just be cancer.

It could be getting out of a bad relationship.
It could be caring for your elderly parents and having to make decisions that are very very difficult.
It could be taking care of a sick child or loved one.
It could be changing careers.
It could be just facing life.

No one gets a smooth easy ride through life.

We all have mountains to climb, valleys to go through, and sometimes life can feel like you are swimming in shark infested waters in the dark with a strong current and no land in sight.

When I first found out I had cancer I told GOTTESS that I felt like I was on a tightrope between two very high mountains.  It was too far to just jump down.  I had to cross the rope.  I couldn't turn back because I could fall and that it wasn't an option.  I had to go forward. On the tightrope (I am terrified of heights).  I had to do it slowly and carefully.  I knew that there was help on the other side but I just had to get there.

I crossed the tightrope.

You can too---whatever that tightrope is.

And on the other side you will find solid ground.

The ground is below me...and my doctors and friends and loved ones are beside me and I am not alone on the tightrope anymore.

And I just might leap off the cliff and see where I end up landing...and maybe on the way down I will find something awesome at the bottom of it all...

and I will find my life...

and, thanks to fabulous doctors, God, great medicine, lots of love from friends and family and great faith---I have a life to live.

I get to LIVE...

I am no longer a cancer patient...

I get to call myself a badass warrior princess who kicked cancer in the ass....

I get to be my own Wonder Woman (and I sure want the invisible plane and the nifty bracelets)

I am forged in fire and I am now shiny and new...and stronger than I was when I went into the fire.

I am a survivor...

I won...

Inspiration Song: "Feels" by Calvin Harris, Pharell Williams and Katy Perry.  Because whenever it is on I get all the feels and I can't help but dance around and feel happy...

Bye Darlings...I'm gonna be ok and whatever YOU are going through you will be ok too...just remember that it's ok to be afraid...just don't let it overwhelm you...