The Sign

Hello Darlings...

Just about a year ago I started to feel bad...

I lacked energy

I needed naps in the afternoon

I felt achy

I felt exhausted

I would burn 3000+ calories a day and couldn't lose weight

weight was piling on despite exercise and eating healthy

But despite all of that I was working out 5+ days a week and several times a week I would follow and intense 45 minute spin class with a 45 or 60 minute yoga class...

Oh I miss that girl...

the one who could bang out 700 calories in an hour and still have the energy to go into a Power Flow...

the one who wouldn't dream of working out less than 5 days a week...

the one who rode the front row in the spin class...

the girl who basically kicked ass...

the one who's joints didn't ache every day

the one who could stand at the stove for hours without pain...

Right now she is buried under a layer of extra weight, swelling, and cancer...

When I first started feeling bad I went to my general physician and told her I was lacking energy and feeling poorly and struggling to lose weight.

She felt it was most likely menopause and possibly my thyroid.

So we started testing...

my thyroid was normal but my blood pressure was high...not very high but high enough to start medication...

She sent me to have an ultrasound on my thyroid and it had nodules but not anything to worry about...

She sent me to a cardiologist who did an ultrasound on my heart (normal) and did a stress test on me (normal)

Saw my gynocologist in May...

my pap smear was normal...

everything was normal...

except that I was still tired and not losing weight...

she sent me to an endocrinologist...

the endocrinologist said all my tests were "normal"...

I cried in her office...

I told her I knew something was wrong with me because it could not just be menopause that was making me feel bad and not lose weight...she sympathized with me and suggested a very very low calorie diet (1000 calories a day)...

I was burning an average of almost 3000 calories a day and not eating near that so I knew something had to be wrong...

Summer passed and I felt a bit better but still there was the nagging feeling that something was wrong...

And then the bleeding started in the fall and all hell broke loose...

Thank goodness for the bleeding because that was my proof that something was very very wrong with me...

and then the pain started and I knew I could not ignore that my body was giving me signs that something was wrong and I needed help.

And thankfully I did because I am alive because of it...

To often we ignore signs that tell us something is wrong...

and not just with our health...

sometimes we see signs that a relationship is in trouble and still ignore them as well...

I ignored the signs that my marriage was not just in trouble but dead for years...mostly because I was afraid...

I've ignored signs that friendships needed to have the life support pulled on them (when someone shows you who they are the first time---believe them! Thank you Maya Angelou)

For a while I ignored signs that my health was in danger because I chalked it up to menopause because that was easier to face than the reality of cancer...

And I even ignored the fact that my sweet precious kitty Seringa was losing more weight than she should have because I didn't want her to be sick so I just chalked it up to the diet food I was giving the cats (vet's orders) because my Zulu (her brother) was too fat...

We see the signs but do we really SEE the signs?

Sometimes we do see them but need to ignore the signs because timing is off...that's how it was for my marriage.

I knew my marriage was in trouble before I even had kids...I knew that I was hanging on to someone who wasn't right for me because I didn't know what else to do. I also knew he would give my kids some good smart genes.

I tried to leave him years before I finally did because I was so miserable but I got talked out of it by well meaning loved ones.

But finally I couldn't take it anymore...

the signs were to clear:

they were bright as the Vegas Strip they were so bright and shiny telling me:

"Welcome to the Fabulous time to leave your husband!!!!"

I'm talking full-on neon here and giant 20 foot lettering that it was time to make my exit and get the hell out of my not-just-failing but totally in the grave marriage...

So.I.Did.

I've pulled the plugs on failing relationships with friends too...you know when you look at them and you can hear the sound of a heart monitor flatlining?

Yes...


beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

no life there...no blips of goodness...

I've done it with a few people in the last few years.

One woman who called me stupid...and frankly that is the kind of relationship where you don't even try to do CPR on the relationship.  She was rude to me several times and frankly her annoying continual selfies makes me not miss her in the least.

Another "friend" is one who acted a certain way on FB but her true character was unmistakably false and not what she presents.  It's like her bleach blonde hair and boobs---fake.  I don't have time for people who pretend...I get enough of that with my work with a high school drama department.  She overstepped herself with me and frankly when that relationship died I didn't even attend the funeral.

Another friendship I tried CPR on more than once---but each time I would pull us out from the brink of death she would do something to flatline it again.  Ain't nobody got time for that...friendship should be easy and not need medical intervention to keep going...

I could mention more but you get the point...some relationships are letting you know it is time to let go and you need to read the signs and move on...it's best for both of you...

I'd rather have 5 people I can count on than 500 Facebook "friends" who are mostly strangers...and if more than 1/4 of your "friends" are humans you have never met maybe you need to read the signs about stranger danger (Miss Bleach Blonde was very guilty of that....I used to worry about her accepting random men's friend requests but not any more...she chooses to feed her ego that way and well I can't help her...).

I have a lot of friends and I love and cherish each one...this cancer has taught me who people I can depend on are and who I can't.

And frankly some people don't handle illness well so I don't fault them for not being "there" for me as long as they send out some sort of friendship sign (like a little flare!) and let me know they are still in my universe just not actively so...

and that's ok...

And sometimes we read the signs and we read them wrong...and when you do that is when you CALL or GET FACE TO FACE with someone because you can also misread TEXTS...

As for reading your "health signs"...well my friends that is one I will harp on you about until the end of time.

I could have ignored how crappy I felt and just said "it's menopause" but thankfully some of the signs were hard to ignore and frankly I just wanted to feel better.

I told my doctor ALL of my signs so that she could figure out what was going on with me and thank goodness she went above and beyond protocol to do so.

We chalk things going wrong with our bodies to:
aging
weight gain
weight loss
injury

and we ignore things like:
irregular bleeding
hair loss
unexplained weight loss or gain
lack of energy
sleeplessness
sleepiness
fatigue
insomnia
heavy bleeding
bloating

and we just say:
it's menopause
it's age
it's my thyroid

but frankly you just can't self diagnose yourself all the time and blame our aging bodies...everyone is aging from the moment they are born...some stuff is normal and other stuff is not...

stop ignoring the signs...

if you are gaining weight look at your diet....and if your diet is still good then start digging...

that's what started it for me...I was gaining more weight than a woman who exercised and ate like me should...

and it all then led to finding out I had cancer...

I could have just sat back and said "menopause is doing this" and who knows where I would have ended up...

So don't ignore the signs...be it with your relationships or your health...

GOD IS GIVING YOU SIGNS

So SEE the signs and ACT on them...

If your relationship with someone is flatlining it's time to decide whether to get out the paddles and fight for it and shock it back into health or to simply let it go and die quietly.  You can use heroic measures or you can do the gentle thing and put it to sleep (like I had to do with my kitty).

Sometimes after heroic measures things are more of a mess and very expensive and you end up spending a lot of time and effort just for it to die again...or you might find the relationship is better than ever...

And if the signs you are being given are about your health then...

GET YOURSELF TO YOUR DOCTOR AND START TO FIGURE IT OUT

Do not pass "Go"
Do not collect $200

just get to the doctor!!!!!

it's better to be told "it's just menopause" or "you are getting older" than to hear:

you have stage 4 cancer...

(I'm at Stage 3C people so time was NOT on my side).

DON'T BE AFRAID

because what you are afraid of might not be as bad as you fear...or it can be worse (like me) but you are finding out in time to do something about it...

I'm holding up a big red STOP sign to you right now...

read this and take stock of the signs on your path of life...

Open up your eyes and SEE the signs...

It might save your life...

Inspiration Song: "The Sign" by Ace of Base...because I opened up my eyes and saw the sign...

I, I got a new life, you would hardly recognize me, I'm so glad
How can a person like me care for you?
I, why do I bother, when you're not the one for me?
Oo-hoo-hoo-oo-oo
Is enough enough?

I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign
Life is demanding without understanding
I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign
No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong
But where do you belong?

I, under the pale moon, for so many years I wondered who you are
How could a person like you bring me joy?
Under the pale moon, where I see a lot of stars
Oo-hoo-hoo-oo-oo
Is enough enough?

I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign
Life is demanding without understanding
I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign
No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong
But where do you belong?
Oh, oh-oh-oh

I saw the sign and it opened up my mind
And I am happy now living without you
I've left you Oh, oh-oh-oh
I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign
No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong

I saw the sign
(I saw the sign, I saw the si-ee-i-ee-ign)
(I saw the sign, I saw the sign)
I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign

Bye Darlings: open up your eyes and see the signs on the path ahead of you...I'm so glad I did...