I Go Crazy

Warning...this is another therapy session blog...

Warning...there are graphic descriptions of needles being stuck in my knees...

Warning...we already know I am crazy...but please know that I do not take the term "crazy" lightly...I have suffered from depression before and know many loved ones who have suffered with depression and mental illness...so I don't mean this to be in any way disparaging to those who sufffer...

 hello darlings!

I"m gonna let you in on a little secret...

I get a little obsessed about things...

ok maybe a lot obsessed...

What? You NOTICED that?  Really?!?!

Ok, I will own up to what we all know...I tend to have obsessions with things and share...maybe even overshare about them...

You have all been along for the ride with me with these latest obsessions:

spinning
Katy Perry
spinning
margaritas with jalapenos in them
spinning
football
spinning
spinning
spinning

There are some others but these are the ones that most come to mind...

oh yes...

and spinning...

lest you forget...

I also have really bad ADD which I am sure you have figured out by now because so many of my blogs start off one way and then...squirrel!!!!...I have gotten distracted and something else starts to flow out of me...

like that....just now...

So yesterday became the pinnacle of my obsession and craziness when I literally started to cry at the doctor's office because he said I could not go to Marvelous Mel's spin class after he injected my knees with gel...

First a little background...

My knees are total crap...

like bone on bone total crap...

like 80 year old woman total crap...

like I spent years at 300 lbs walking on them crap

like I need a knee replacement total crap...

you got it?

My knees...

they are crappy and KILL ME

for some reason they don't always hurt when I spin and a lot of times they feel better when I do.  In fact the last few weeks when I did 12 spin classes in 11 days they almost didn't hurt at all

(see I am so obsessed I even did two classes in a row one day and I only stopped myself from having day 12 of it because I knew I HAD to give my body a little break)

This summer when I could take it no more I went to the orthopedic surgeon I see and he looked at my knees and x-rays and declared that my knees were crap...

So we tried cortisone shots...

they worked...a bit...for like 5 minutes...ok more like a couple of weeks but it felt like 5 minutes...

So when I was at the doc he said if the cortisone didn't help enough we could do these gel shots.

I kept hearing from people what a miracle the gel shots were so I figured I would give it a go.  The doc's assistant sent the order to my pharmacy...

and it only took 2 months for them to figure it out and get me the stuff...not kidding

geez...

so between the pharmacy and insurance the stuff gets to the doc and I'm told to come in Monday to have the gel injected.

Let me tell you how joyful the thought of having needles stuck in your knees is...there are worse places I know but knees fall far behind:
buttocks
arm
forehead (my Botox)
big wrinkle between eyebrows
crows feet area

I won't list the worst places...use your imagination...

but Botox and flu shots don't bother me all that much..."that much" being relative because I really hate hate hate needles.

When I talked to the doc's assistant he told me I could go to spin class after...I don't think he realized I literally planned to drive straight to the studio and spin...and I had plenty of people tell me:

"you will not want to do that...you will want to go home and rest you knees"

but since I went to medical school and spent years training in orthopedic surgery and knees especially I knew I could do it

(that last sentence is totally fictional because: 1) I am not a doctor and 2) I have never been to medical school)

but I always know what is BEST for me (not) and so I just knew I could go...I had a bike booked and my workout clothes in the car...

all I needed was for him to shoot the stuff into my knees and off I would go!

I waited an hour and a half to see him...the clock was ticking and I was downtown and it was 5:15...

class was at 6:30...

but I was going to go to Marvelous Mel's Monday Madness dammit...

So Javier the assistant lays out the stuff and I see a whole lotta syringes and needles...

gulp...

doc comes in and asks how I am and starts prepping my knees...sprays me with the freeze spray and then sticks in a long needle full of lidocaine

sumabitch

bad words
bad words
bad words

that hurt like a sumabitch...and then some...and THAT was the PAINKILLER

it took my breath away...

he pokes me again in the knee and starts to put the gel in and oh dear heavens mary and joseph and all my children and good golly miss molly it...

HURT

took my breath away...

he told me to talk it would take my mind off it

I informed him that I could not...and I was trying to breathe...

(there are very few times in my life when I am literally rendered speechless...this was like time #3)

then I noticed there was stuff still in the syringe when he pulled it out...it was at that point I realized we were going to get to have this little party again...

we were going to get to have this little party again 2 more times

and I still had the left knee to go...

that one wasn't as bad but still...there were a lot of bad words wanting to fly out of my mouth...

so he says "come back next Monday" ...

and I'm all...um really?

ok...

and I said:

"I AM GOING TO GO TO SPIN CLASS NOW'

and he says "um...no you are not...I don't recommend it...in fact I highly recommend you don't go and should probably just go home"

and that my friends is when the tears started...

not when he poked me with needles but when he grounded me

Like I said...I go crazy...I am crazy...I am obsessed...

I said "do you know what you are asking of me?  you are telling me I can't go to the class that makes me not hate Mondays..the class that makes my week start of perfectly...the class that makes me so damn happy I leave with a sweaty smile on my face...the class that literally removes all evil from my life?"

(ok so I didn't say all of that...but I was thinking it...)

so while I wiped tears I said:

"but I really love that spin class"

and he said "love it next time but tonight you are not going"

I felt like a toddler...

and he said more stuff and it all became like the Charlie Brown teacher was talking to me and it felt like a tunnel was pulling me back like the mom trying to get to the door in Poltergeist and all I could think of was:

but I took two days off and today I really really wanted to go to Marvelous Mel's class...

and then I said "ok" to it and told him next week I was spinning in the morning BEFORE he stuck needles in my knees again and he laughed..,and told me I must really really like spin class...

I sorta do...

maybe you noticed...

and then I asked if I had permission to go to Spec's Liquor Warehouse since I was downtown and all and not getting to go to spin class and there was bad traffic...

he ok'd that with the promise I would not spend all night there

(he sorta knows me well)

So I schlumped back to the car and called the studio and told them to give my bike to some deserving soul who had knees that weren't crap and could ride in my spot...

and then I cried again...

and drove to Spec's...

and bought some really good red wine...

But last night as I lay icing my sore knees I replayed this all in my mind and saw the depth of my obsession...that I love spinning and those classes so much that even thought I totally hate needles the worst part of all of it was that I couldn't ride last night.

Because I am obsessed...

But that is ok...there are worse things to be obsessed with and at least this one is healthy...

and I get so much more than a workout there...I get a chance to feel on that bike...to think to let it all go to let it loose to let it out...just like that run on sentence...it just flows from me...

sweat and pain

sweat and joy

sweat and heartache

sweat and what is bottled inside

and my beautiful angels on the bike on the stage before me get my heart racing and my calories burning and my muscles moving but they also get my heart and soul running at light speed and I feel so much better about myself when I leave there...

and yesterday I just really wanted to sweat and feel...

I don't have a love or lover...unless you count my kitties...

I have beautiful wonderful children that are my world but I know better than to put my happiness on their shoulders...

I put my happiness on MY shoulders...

I live and love for me and not what someone else can do for me with their love...

so when I go and the instructor tells me to stop competing with anyone else...or just to strive to take myself one step further or better...or to let go of anything that is in my way that is THERAPY for me...

and I get it a whole lot cheaper there than at a psychiatrist's office....

and it keeps me looking into myself to find that "me" I want to be...

not in a physical sense but the "me" I want to be with my HEART

so yeah...I am obsessed

because there is a whole lotta crazy in me but I don't think it is a bad kind of crazy...

just a "I'm gonna be 50 in less than a month and I can still be so much more than I am today" kind of way...

I don't want to stop trying to be better just because I can officially be a member of AARP...

I never want to stop growing and learning and trying to be a better mom, friend, lover...HUMAN

I want to go through the rest of my life looking at the journey ahead and appreciating the road I have traveled...

because it is a whole lotta road...and I have been through some "sheet" my friends...

but I have learned from it...

and I use that as the fuel to keep me going forward...

so if my obsession is that I climb on a bike for 45 minutes pretty much every day and I sweat and twerk and ride it out then so be it...

and if I don't go I go crazy...

because it is not about the calories...it's about the FEELING I get when I work so damn hard for 45 minutes...

something that I could never have done 4 years ago...something I am proud of myself each and every time I do it...

because once upon a time I was fat and miserable and in a marriage that wasn't working and I quit caring about who I was and what I looked like...I quit caring about my health

and mostly I quit caring about loving myself...

I GAVE UP ON ME

I gave up on everything about myself and just kept eating and being a couch potato and buying bigger fat clothes...

I don't do much for myself...I spend 90% of my awake time tending to the needs of others and doing things to make the people I love in my life happy...

but for that 45 minutes a day I get to love myself...to put myself first and do something that is for me...

and for that...

I will happily go crazy...

even if it means I look like a toddler in front of my doctor

and next week when he sticks me in the knees with the needles I am going to take a deep breath and let the pain go and send my mental love to all my friends riding in class...

because I will have already been to spin class...

HA!

Inspiration Song....some of you are so darn young that I can't even justify patting you on your darling heads for not knowing this song..."I Go Crazy" by Paul Davis...it's a song about running into your love that got away...and for me yesterday bike 6 at Revolution Studio was the love that got away...but in reality it is a really pretty song...

Bye Darlings...I may be crazy and obsessed but bear with me...I have such bad ADD something new is bound to come along like a distracting squirrel...but I don't think my love of spinning is going to go away...