Where Are You Christmas?

Hello Darlings!

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah! 

My Christmas spirit is or was in full swing until recently...make that tonight...

The tree is up and decorated, I have little touches of décor here and there...

the stockings are hung by the chimney with care...

(oh no I am starting to sound like Dr. Seuss again with the rhyming...totally unintentional..)

I can't seem to find my desire to wrap gifts and one of these days those darn "wrap the packages" elves are going to show up here to Casa Bonita and wrap the gifts while I am sleeping...

I was even getting ready to write a blog called "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" (yes, it is a REAL song...I actually thought it was something that Craig Ferguson and the Late Late Show made up for Betty White but lo and behold it appeared on a list of Christmas on iTunes so it is a real song...who knew?)

But that will have to wait...

Because I need to vent...

a lot

like a lot a lot...

Two things to know before you read this and think "WOW she is under the influence"...

1) I have had exactly 2 ounces of wine...no more...and now am imbibing the powerful drug "Aand W 10 Root Beer" (diet and caffeine free root beer) and the wine is put well out of reach so I can't say I was drunk...

2) I had a proper amount of sleep last night, ate healthy meals, and did my spin class (so I don't stab people)...in other words I am well-rested, not "hangry" and got the endorphins going ("Exercise gives you endorphins.  Endorphins make you happy.  Happy people don't just shoot their husbands...they just don't." Thank you Elle Woods and the knowledge gleaned from "Legally Blonde" one of my very favorite movies...)

So in other words I am of sound mind and not under the influence of anything other than a wicked spin session and a lot of sweat...

which I showered off...

so I am a clean, well-rested, well-fed endorphin fueled person...

But like I said...

I need to vent

and this blog is my therapy and once again you are along for the ride and I have no idea where this is going but I do know it will keep me from stabbing someone...

you poor people...

you have had to read a lot of therapy lately...

So why all the drama?

Because today I got fed up with the ex letting his GIRFRIEND'S schedule decide ours...

yup

I have been asking him for weeks to talk to me about Christmas and who gets the kids at what time...but he kept putting me off

Christmas Eve is the DAY AFTER TOMORROW

I got a little tired of not being able to know when I was feeding people...

Here's the deal...I will try and put this "background info" into one paragraph:

My parents were divorced and I hated like hell being shuttled about and since they lived in two different places it was an ordeal...it involved planes or hours upon hours in the car.  I didn't want my kids to suffer feeling like they were in the middle of a tug-of-war so the ex and I agreed to just "share Christmas and make plans based on what is best for them and what is going on at that time".  In other words we did not put into our divorce decree "the children shall be with their mother from 2:00 pm Christmas Eve until 11:00 am Christmas day blah blah blah blah blah...lots of legal jargon and more money to the attorneys so they could hash it out...".  We were good with that.

Up until this year we have kept it free and easy and because I am the world's nicest ex-wife I have always cooked a big meal like we always had and have invited the ex to join us.  And every year he has. 

I did invite him this year...for the kids...not because I particularly wanted the man I divorced sitting at my dining room table at holiday time.

More background:

I ASKED FOR THE DIVORCE. 

I hadn't been in love with him for years. 

I never have wavered on my decision to divorce and never ever wanted him back.

I have never looked at him and thought "maybe we should try again" or "wow I gave that up"...

he's a nice man but I don't want him

I am NOT IN THE LEAST BIT JEALOUS of his girlfriend.  She can have him.  I am grateful for her presence in his life because she keeps him occupied and I get more of The Cutest Boy in the World.  I like it that he seems less concerned with me and my doings because he is occupied...

I am a bit jealous that he has someone and I am alone but that has no part in my feelings about this...that is just a "I'm a better catch so why am I alone" feeling...because it would be nice to have someone to drink eggnog with and look at Christmas lights with while we drive through the neighborhood in his big ass truck...

But some day that big-ass truck driving man will come along...I'm so not worried about that right now...there is time for that down the line...I have a boy to raise...and spin classes to sweat in...and Pippin costumes to make and cats to cuddle...

So for weeks now I have said to him "we need to discuss Christmas" and for weeks now he has changed the subject or said "I don't know my plans yet".

In the past the kids have gone to lunch with him on Christmas Eve and have returned Christmas Eve evening to have our traditional tamales for dinner.  Sometimes the ex has even stayed for that.

I usually have the kids Christmas morning and then their dad shows up early afternoon and we have a nice dinner and usually they go off with him or sometimes Kesha Barbie stays with me and TCBITW goes with his dad and they go to the ranch.

That is what has happened these last 3 Christmases...

But I have always asked their dad what he wants and how he wants to do it to be fair...and he knows Christmas Eve tamales are a biiiiig deal with me and that is one I won't back down on...

So I figured it would be the same this year...

but I couldn't pin him down...

and so tonight I told him "I will not let my schedule be dictated by a third party.  I am feeding the kids their Christmas dinner on Christmas at some point.  Please tell me when that will be"

his answer: "I dunno"

So I said: "fine...I am feeding my kids prime rib at 2.  You are welcome to join us"

he said "well....I'm not sure..."

I cut him off and said "that is when we are eating...if you want them that morning before then I will send them to you after tamales"...

him: "well...."

Me: "just tell me tomorrow when you want them other than Christmas Eve dinner and 2:00 on Christmas day for their meal...if you MUST have them earlier and for lunch Christmas Day then do so and I will have dinner at 8:00 for us but for the love of God please just decide and let me know tomorrow..."

him: "ummmm...."

me: "my kids and I will have our meals...no third party is deciding that..." and then I said goodnight.

The kids have met the girlfriend.

I have no idea how serious things are but so far all I know is that they have met her.  They say she is nice...

Glad to hear it..no seriously I am GLAD to hear it...I want nice people around my kids...

But until they are married I will not consider HER timing into when I plan to be with my kids.

It is HIS choice to hang with her...but my children should not be asked to spend holiday time with a woman they have met exactly once.

If they are going to be with a woman...

THAT WOMAN WILL BE ME

When they have a step-mother I will agree to share time based on all 3 of our schedules...because family time is important and if my children have step-siblings I am a big believer in being a WHOLE family...you know...all that Brady bunch stuff...

I will totally work with that...

because who knows...someday I may be a step-mother and I don't want the Cinderella Wicked Step-mother karma to come and bite me in the ass...

marriage is one thing...

dating is another...

and right now until the kids have spent a good deal more time with her and her family and she and the ex are indeed in a relationship that will lead to something permanent...

well then by golly I won't let HER visitation schedule affect MINE...

and right now that is where I am...the kids' dad won't help me plan because he isn't sure what is going on with her...

My kids aren't going to be bartered...they have a right to enjoy their holiday with both parents...

and I don't want trouble or bad feelings...

and I don't have bad feelings...

just frustration because the man won't make a decision

oh yeah---that was reason #12 why I divorced him...one of 1, 234, 467...."he is bad at making decisions"...

My children and I have ADD...we need things to be structured and laid out so we can function...I can be flexible and I can be very spontaneous...but for things like this I need to plan and know what is happening when...holidays and vacations must be that way...

he also was a grinch about the holidays and never really participated...no helping decorate and almost no shopping...

so I always made plans for us and we just rolled with it...

and that is what I have done this year...

I still want to give him choices and work around him...but I am not doing so being told at the last minute...I'm not waiting until Christmas Eve to decide what we are doing...I need more structure than that.

I don't want the holidays to stress my kids like it did me...I want it to be a joyous time for us...and I want them to spend time with their dad as well as me...

My kids are my life...they are my world...they are the reason I get up every morning...they are my oxygen...they are my purpose in life...

they are my everything...

I am a giving person...

I share...

I always have....

I am a big believer that they need parents who get along well and don't use them as weapons...

I will do everything in my power to make sure they never feel like a pawn in some game with me and their dad...

He is as important to them as I am

But they need structure and I need structure...it's an ADD thing...

and I need to know when I am pulling the prime rib out of the damn fridge....

I'm not asking for more time than he has...I am not asking for it to all be what I want...

I just need to know WHEN THE HELL THEY ARE WITH ME

Oh...and did I mention that he had the gall to ask me for half of my nice Christmas ornaments?  The ones he made fun of when I purchased them...the ones that are gifts from friends...the ones I put up on the tree and removed myself...the ones he never touched or looked at...the ones I searched for and thoughtfully purchased on each vacation and carefully packed so they wouldn't break...so that I could remember each trip when I put them on the tree..

really?

um...

NO

3 years ago I gave him a set of ornaments that were ones I had purchased for the kids to "give" him or where ones from his boss...but that was it...the rest I shopped for or were given to me...

ok now I am really ranting...but I had to get that off my chest too...

Please know I am being as nice as I can about this...I haven't raised my voice to him or said anything bitchier than "I won't let my schedule be dictated by a third party".

I am still willing to give him choices in the timing...I do not ever want to have to make a formal agreement about this...our kids are pretty much adults (Kesha Barbie is 21 and TCBITW is almost 17) so nothing formal is needed...

but I just needed to know I wasn't crazy for asking for a schedule since it now we are just a day from Christmas Eve...

I needed to vent

I needed to rant

I needed time for the wrapping elves to show up (they didn't)

(and i love the irony of the fact that he won't figure out his timing but has spent the last hour comparing our children's PSAT scores and figuring out what the 5 questions our son missed were...priorities...)

ok...thanks for listening...

we now return you to your regularly scheduled Christmas joy and maybe tomorrow I will blog about why I want a hippo for Christmas (not really...please...no hippos...3 cats makes me a crazy cat lady...heaven knows what a hippo would make me...)

Inspiration Song: "Where Are You Christmas" from the film "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"...the Jim Carrey one...the one where little Cindy Lou Who played by Taylor Momsen sings the song...and that little girl grew up to have a kind of gnarly rock band...who knew?

Bye Darlings...I know where my Christmas is because I took a stand...and I want my kids to have their time with their dad too...but kids need structure and so do I...it's not just because of our ADD...it's because they are children and not pawns...no one is using them as pawns here but that is what I am trying to make sure never happens...so learn from me...be kind but set structure...