Ok, my darlings...
I have a lot going on in my life right now...
Some of you know what it is...some of you don't.
Some of you who read this are strangers to me. I mean, I don't know anyone in Singapore or the UK but it shows up as a traffic source on my "stats" for the blog audience.
It's pretty cool that perfect strangers read this.
So where do I begin...how do I tell you what is going on without getting TOO personal.
Now you are laughing...I mean, I get pretty darn personal here. I've discussed my feelings about being fat and I have told you I bought thongs at Victoria's Secret. That is pretty darn personal.
But this next thing is...well, I wish I was announcing that I am going to be a guest on Oprah (I love you, Oprah...make my wish come true---have me as a guest and have Vera Wang make me a dress to show myself off in!!!!).
But I'm not...
So here it is...
I'm getting divorced.
Some of you know this already. For some it will a shock or surprise.
I'm not going to blog about why or what happened in my marriage to lead to this. It's been a long time coming. He's a good man. We just aren't a couple anymore and haven't been for a long time. The kids are fine with it and understand.
I'd rather have a good divorce than a bad marriage.
And, as I said to my kids, we will be a family still---just not a married one.
AND I'M GOOD WITH THIS AND I WANT THIS AND I WILL BE JUST FINE!!!!!
Some of you might wonder if my weight loss led to this decision.
Yes, and no...
Yes in that I feel better about myself so my confidence is up...so I have the confidence to do what I need to do to make my life better.
And "no" in that just because I am thin now I'm not thinking I am ready to take on a world of new men...and no, I don't plan on becoming Houston's newest "cougar"...
I plan on just figuring out who I am at this point in my life and learning to be a real grown-up on my own...
I know one thing I don't have to figure out...how to live a healthy life and take care of my body.
And I'm a great mom so even if my kids aren't with me and they are with their dad, I can still take care of them.
Don't be sad for me...be glad for me...
More later, my darlings...for now read the lyrics to my inspiration song...it is what keeps me going...
Inspiration Song: "Feel" by Robbie Williams...one of my very favorite songs...love it so much...read the lyrics...it's like my personal song...
Bye Darlings...be sure to feel your life too..I know I am...and I love you...
FEEL
Come on hold my hand
I wanna contact the living
Not sure I understand
This role I've been given
I sit and talk to God
and He just laughs at my plans
My head speaks a language
I don't understand
I just wanna feel real love
Feel the home that I live in
'Cause I got too much life
Running through my veins, going to waste
I don't wanna die
But I ain't keen on living either
Before I fall in love
I'm preparing to leave her
I scare myself to death
That's why I keep on running
Before I've arrived
I can see myself coming
I just wanna feel real love
Feel the home that I live in
'Cause I got too much life
Running through my veins, going to waste
And I need to feel
Real love
And a life ever after
I cannot give it up
I just wanna feel real love
Feel the home that I live in
I got too much love
Running through my veins, going to waste
I just wanna feel real love
IN a life ever after, there's a hole in my soul
You can see it in my face
It's a real big place
Come and hold my hand
I want to contact the living
Not sure I understand
This role I've been given
Not sure I understand
Not sure I understand
Not sure I understand
Not sure I understand
Showing posts with label Victoria's Secret. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Victoria's Secret. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Head Games
Sometimes I think the only real obstacle to losing this weight (other than my screwed up knee) is my head...
Because, as I have said before, I let myself get in my own way.
It's a head game, this weight loss...
First, you have to get it in your head that you WANT to do it...and this is for anything...weight loss, fitness, getting rid of bad habits, training to do something like a triathalon, etc.
Then you have to get it in your head you CAN do it. You can't let yourself stand in your own way.
I know I blog endlessly about how much I love my trainer Dimples and my "J-girls" (instructors at my health club) but I cannot say enough about how much it helps me when they motivate me.
Dimples is always telling me that I CAN do something...or I CAN do a few more...or to at least try something. But so often just when I am about to get in my own way with something, he says the RIGHT something to me to keep me going.
And now he sends "tweets" (yes, I finally am learning about Twitter thanks to my Dimples). It's a good way for him to keep in touch of his bootcamp clients but also to send motivating and positive messages to his clients and followers.
Messages like this (remember twitter limits you to 140 characters so you have to use shorthand):
U must believe absolutely that u're not only capable of achieving your desired goal, but also that it's only a matter of time before you do
I'm keeping that on my phone...to look at when I need it...because I often need it.
You can follow him on twitter too if you want...just sign up for:
@jessetraining
So today I did a 90 minute spin class AFTER I did the new launch of Body Pump 76.
I was a bit intimidated about it...until I realized that last Friday after the one icicle shut down Houston that I gave myself a spin class that lasted over 90 minutes.
But I almost let my head stand in my way...I almost told myself I couldn't do it.
Thankfully my knee did NOT tell me I couldn't do it!
It was 2:35 minutes of exercise...
I got through it...piece of cake...which helped me resist the piece of cake that I really really really wanted to eat at GOTTPARENTS 50TH Anniversary party (woo-hoo...50 years of wedded bliss to an amazing couple with amazing kids and grandkids...love love love them...).
I wanted that cake. It looked good. My stomach said "yes, yes, yes" but thankfully this time the game going on in my head was a good one and my head said "no no no". And I told GOTTESS to keep me away from it.
GOTTSISTERS didn't recognize me...they haven't seen me since last spring...one of them said "you looked familiar but I didn't think it was you"...
love that...
love her for saying it...
For some people that would feel awful, but to my thinking, it is great. I'm happy that I look different.
So I was watching Oprah the other day (duh...when do I NOT watch Oprah?)and she had Jennifer Hudson on.
Jennifer Hudson has gone from a size 16 to a 6. She's lost 85 pounds. She looks amazing.
I've lost more weight but I've had (and still have) more to lose.
She's always been beautiful.
As I looked at her I tried to be honest with myself and see if I thought she was really more beautiful because she is thinner...or am I just trained to think so because that is what is accepted as pretty---thin.
I decided that to my eyes, and my head, she is NOT MORE beautiful...she just looks good...and healthy...and happy.
She talked about how it really plays with your head when you lose the weight. How she walks into stores and picks up things that are the wrong size because they are TOO BIG for her.
Now that is a head game I also play...
When I walked into Victoria's Secret for the first time in 8+ years a few weeks ago I had to talk myself into it the whole way through the mall. And I was afraid I was going to go in there and be told that nothing would fit so I should try Lane Bryant. And I was afraid that I was going to find that I looked like a fool.
But I didn't...and I have a drawer full of new undergarments to prove it.
I was at my favorite store "Lucy" a few weeks ago...I grabbed some pants in in XL and the girl helping me said "no, you need a large...that will be too big".
When I went into the dressing room and the pants fit, I cried.
In my head, I am still a plus-sized girl.
But my body is not...
It's a head game...and I could totally relate to what Jennifer was saying to Oprah about it.
She (Jennifer) also said that she loves trying on new clothes and wearing her new clothes. I can relate to that too...I can't believe I actually fantasize about some of my skirts...that I can actually wear them. I started going through my clothes the other day and realized that I better TRY things on because my brain was saying "no way" but the zipper would go up and my body would say "way...".
Today, after the LONG workout, I met my Aunt Jane (the BEST PERSON IN THE WOLRD) and her friend CAT (Cute and Tiny) for lunch. They had a gift for me.
Jane had taken the photos she took of us (and me) on top of the hill I climbed at our camp reunion. You know...the 218 steps...
For those of you who did not read that blog ("Climb Every Mountain"), I'll give you the 10 second explanation:
When I once couldn't catch my breath after going up 24 steps with a teacher friend I realized that I needed to change my life. So I did. So 6 months later when I climbed 218 steps and didn't DIE, it felt like a big big big deal.
When we got to the top of the hill we prayed and took photos. So Jane gave me the photos today in a frame. To remind me of what I have and will still accomplish.
I cried with joy from the love and beauty of the gift.
Like I said, she is the best person in the world...
and that might be one of the most amazing gifts I have ever received...
And I'm putting it on my nightstand...not because I look good in the photos (in fact, I look awful...no make-up and still around 230 pounds), but rather to remind me what I have done and what I can do.
It's like the tweets I get from Dimples...little reminders to my brain that I can do what I have set out to do.
Now one game I play in my head that will probably only ever be in my head and not reality is a fantasy...and that is ok...fantasies are good! They help move us forward. You all know mine:
Oprah invites me to be on her show to tell how I have lost weight and blogged about it and she gives me a Vera Wang gown to wear because I once met Vera and told her I wanted to wear one of her gowns when I lose weight...
That little fantasy is a head game that is all for fun...but it helps motivate me too...
because...
I don't want to stand in my own way:
to finish an exercise in training
to do a long spin class
to try something new with Dimples
to try on new clothes in a smaller size
to walk into a store that intimidates me
to put on something I haven't worn in 9 years
to dress to show off my hard work
to wear my mom's Vera Wang dress and rock it
Because the only thing stopping me is in my head...not my body...
It's all head games...and I am pretty good at those kinds of games (physical games...notsomuch)...
in fact, I usually win...
I think I'm gonna win this one...like my Dimples says: "it's just a matter of time"...
Inspiration Song: JayVee served up Foreigner's "Head Games" today in the 90 minute master class for spin...it was the perfect song at the 80 minute mark...she's so amazing...
Bye Darlings...win your head game...
Because, as I have said before, I let myself get in my own way.
It's a head game, this weight loss...
First, you have to get it in your head that you WANT to do it...and this is for anything...weight loss, fitness, getting rid of bad habits, training to do something like a triathalon, etc.
Then you have to get it in your head you CAN do it. You can't let yourself stand in your own way.
I know I blog endlessly about how much I love my trainer Dimples and my "J-girls" (instructors at my health club) but I cannot say enough about how much it helps me when they motivate me.
Dimples is always telling me that I CAN do something...or I CAN do a few more...or to at least try something. But so often just when I am about to get in my own way with something, he says the RIGHT something to me to keep me going.
And now he sends "tweets" (yes, I finally am learning about Twitter thanks to my Dimples). It's a good way for him to keep in touch of his bootcamp clients but also to send motivating and positive messages to his clients and followers.
Messages like this (remember twitter limits you to 140 characters so you have to use shorthand):
U must believe absolutely that u're not only capable of achieving your desired goal, but also that it's only a matter of time before you do
I'm keeping that on my phone...to look at when I need it...because I often need it.
You can follow him on twitter too if you want...just sign up for:
@jessetraining
So today I did a 90 minute spin class AFTER I did the new launch of Body Pump 76.
I was a bit intimidated about it...until I realized that last Friday after the one icicle shut down Houston that I gave myself a spin class that lasted over 90 minutes.
But I almost let my head stand in my way...I almost told myself I couldn't do it.
Thankfully my knee did NOT tell me I couldn't do it!
It was 2:35 minutes of exercise...
I got through it...piece of cake...which helped me resist the piece of cake that I really really really wanted to eat at GOTTPARENTS 50TH Anniversary party (woo-hoo...50 years of wedded bliss to an amazing couple with amazing kids and grandkids...love love love them...).
I wanted that cake. It looked good. My stomach said "yes, yes, yes" but thankfully this time the game going on in my head was a good one and my head said "no no no". And I told GOTTESS to keep me away from it.
GOTTSISTERS didn't recognize me...they haven't seen me since last spring...one of them said "you looked familiar but I didn't think it was you"...
love that...
love her for saying it...
For some people that would feel awful, but to my thinking, it is great. I'm happy that I look different.
So I was watching Oprah the other day (duh...when do I NOT watch Oprah?)and she had Jennifer Hudson on.
Jennifer Hudson has gone from a size 16 to a 6. She's lost 85 pounds. She looks amazing.
I've lost more weight but I've had (and still have) more to lose.
She's always been beautiful.
As I looked at her I tried to be honest with myself and see if I thought she was really more beautiful because she is thinner...or am I just trained to think so because that is what is accepted as pretty---thin.
I decided that to my eyes, and my head, she is NOT MORE beautiful...she just looks good...and healthy...and happy.
She talked about how it really plays with your head when you lose the weight. How she walks into stores and picks up things that are the wrong size because they are TOO BIG for her.
Now that is a head game I also play...
When I walked into Victoria's Secret for the first time in 8+ years a few weeks ago I had to talk myself into it the whole way through the mall. And I was afraid I was going to go in there and be told that nothing would fit so I should try Lane Bryant. And I was afraid that I was going to find that I looked like a fool.
But I didn't...and I have a drawer full of new undergarments to prove it.
I was at my favorite store "Lucy" a few weeks ago...I grabbed some pants in in XL and the girl helping me said "no, you need a large...that will be too big".
When I went into the dressing room and the pants fit, I cried.
In my head, I am still a plus-sized girl.
But my body is not...
It's a head game...and I could totally relate to what Jennifer was saying to Oprah about it.
She (Jennifer) also said that she loves trying on new clothes and wearing her new clothes. I can relate to that too...I can't believe I actually fantasize about some of my skirts...that I can actually wear them. I started going through my clothes the other day and realized that I better TRY things on because my brain was saying "no way" but the zipper would go up and my body would say "way...".
Today, after the LONG workout, I met my Aunt Jane (the BEST PERSON IN THE WOLRD) and her friend CAT (Cute and Tiny) for lunch. They had a gift for me.
Jane had taken the photos she took of us (and me) on top of the hill I climbed at our camp reunion. You know...the 218 steps...
For those of you who did not read that blog ("Climb Every Mountain"), I'll give you the 10 second explanation:
When I once couldn't catch my breath after going up 24 steps with a teacher friend I realized that I needed to change my life. So I did. So 6 months later when I climbed 218 steps and didn't DIE, it felt like a big big big deal.
When we got to the top of the hill we prayed and took photos. So Jane gave me the photos today in a frame. To remind me of what I have and will still accomplish.
I cried with joy from the love and beauty of the gift.
Like I said, she is the best person in the world...
and that might be one of the most amazing gifts I have ever received...
And I'm putting it on my nightstand...not because I look good in the photos (in fact, I look awful...no make-up and still around 230 pounds), but rather to remind me what I have done and what I can do.
It's like the tweets I get from Dimples...little reminders to my brain that I can do what I have set out to do.
Now one game I play in my head that will probably only ever be in my head and not reality is a fantasy...and that is ok...fantasies are good! They help move us forward. You all know mine:
Oprah invites me to be on her show to tell how I have lost weight and blogged about it and she gives me a Vera Wang gown to wear because I once met Vera and told her I wanted to wear one of her gowns when I lose weight...
That little fantasy is a head game that is all for fun...but it helps motivate me too...
because...
I don't want to stand in my own way:
to finish an exercise in training
to do a long spin class
to try something new with Dimples
to try on new clothes in a smaller size
to walk into a store that intimidates me
to put on something I haven't worn in 9 years
to dress to show off my hard work
to wear my mom's Vera Wang dress and rock it
Because the only thing stopping me is in my head...not my body...
It's all head games...and I am pretty good at those kinds of games (physical games...notsomuch)...
in fact, I usually win...
I think I'm gonna win this one...like my Dimples says: "it's just a matter of time"...
Inspiration Song: JayVee served up Foreigner's "Head Games" today in the 90 minute master class for spin...it was the perfect song at the 80 minute mark...she's so amazing...
Bye Darlings...win your head game...
Monday, January 31, 2011
Feeling Good
I like Mondays...not always, but sometimes.
I liked today...I pretty much played "dress up" all day.
First...the cheetah print skirt.
Yep, I wore it.
I rocked it.
I rocked it with black stiletto boots.
Which Dimples warned me not to do but I told him that my knee be damned, I was going for "hotness" and not hot mess so no other shoes would do.
So I wore the cheetah print skirt up to my son's school and showed my friend (the middle school principal) because I told her I would.
Check that off the list of things I planned to do when I lost weight.
So I sit in said skirt and watch GOTT choreograph the first part of "Hard Knock Life" and proceed to scream with delight through it all...
It is going to be totally adorable...GOTT is genius.
After that I decided it was time to go shopping...
for...
underwear...
(men, you can just stop reading here...or scroll down a bit...because you cannot relate to the experience at all...)
I've lost so much weight that I needed to be "fit" for undergarments and dammit I have worked hard so I was going to reward myself with something from Victoria's Secret.
When I get to goal weight I'm going to blow a chunk of cash on something from Agent Provocatuer (right now I only wear their perfume) but for now VS will more than do.
I go into the store and the darling sales girl screams when I tell her I have lost 110 pounds. She kept asking me how I did it...
4 bras and 8 pairs of underwear later I left the store with a red bag full of undergarments in my hand.
I haven't shopped at Victoria's Secret in 8 years...almost 9...
It. Felt. Great.
Would it be oversharing to say that I even bought some thongs?
I always overshare...
But if Dimples is going to have me do a bijillion squats, lunges, and step-ups, by damn I will not have panty lines...
After all of that fabulous shopping it was time for bootcamp.
Which was awesome...
We are all getting stronger...more fit...feeling good...
But the best part was that we were joined by a WARRIOR...a beautiful kicked-cancer-in-the-ass warrior...my friend Princess C...
(You see...when you kick cancer in the ass you get to be called Princess in my world...)
So Princess C will celebrate one year since her surgery tomorrow...
And she looked beautiful to me...
her hair has come back...and her beautiful eyes were more beautiful than ever...
and she worked out and had fun with us and said it felt so good to be moving...to be outside and enjoying it...and I loved watching her move about the park with us.
Because...she is here...
Because she survived...
Before bootcamp I showed Dimples my "goal" dress.
I pulled it out today and gave it a good long hard look.
I have a couple of goal dresses...they were my mother's. All of them black, all of them special...
But this dress...this is THE dress.
It's the Vera.
The Vera Wang.
No, not THE Vera Wang that I want Oprah to get me...that will be a gown...
This one is a cocktail dress.
One I chickened out of wearing to a party 8 years ago.
Here it is...
front view...one shoulder...sheer in the back...
Here is the back...you can't really see it very well...
So I show this to Dimples...who just smiled and looked slightly puzzled as to why I was holding a dress in front of him, but he's a doll and patient so he let me explain...
And I told him that I was holding the little scrap of black fabric he was working to get me in.
I often visualize that dress when I want to give up...
Today it made me run faster.
When I got home I hung the dress back up. And then I decided I couldn't help myself.
I had to see how "far" I was from getting into it.
I slipped it on...over my head...
ok
Then I reached for the zipper...
it zipped!
OK...
stretchy fabric...
but it was not heinous...I mean, with a good pair of spanx (or two) I could wear it.
I showed Ke$ha Barbie. We both got pretty excited. I cried. She hugged me and kissed me...and finished zipping me up.
And declared that I was going to look hot in it when I wore it.
So now I have a couple of months before the party I plan to wear it to. And I now know I can do it.
It's in my grasp.
But I'll still need spanx...or a thong...or fishing line and Crisco.
In any case...I can wear the dress.
When I took it from my mother's closet after she died I said it was because I wanted to wear it sometime. I didn't know when or how but I WANTED to wear the dress again.
After a few years I figured I would just give it to Ke$ha Barbie.
She says she is fine with it being mine...what a good daughter...
So it was a good Monday...and I'm feeling good.
I wore a silly skirt with boots, I bought thongs and bras, I zipped up a dress that I thought I would never wear.
But despite all of THAT good...the BEST part...the truly BEST part was Princess C showing up to work out with us.
Because she is a warrior...and she will be strong again...and she is, and always has been BEAUTIFUL
And she's feeling good...
And THAT, well that...that is priceless...she is here and she kicked cancer in the you-know-what...and she's feeling good...
And that makes me feel REALLY good!
Inspiration Song: "Feeling Good"...multiple artists...George Michael has a great version...but my favorite is Buble...Michael Buble...he's dreamy...
Bye Darlings...do something that makes you feel good today!
I liked today...I pretty much played "dress up" all day.
First...the cheetah print skirt.
Yep, I wore it.
I rocked it.
I rocked it with black stiletto boots.
Which Dimples warned me not to do but I told him that my knee be damned, I was going for "hotness" and not hot mess so no other shoes would do.
So I wore the cheetah print skirt up to my son's school and showed my friend (the middle school principal) because I told her I would.
Check that off the list of things I planned to do when I lost weight.
So I sit in said skirt and watch GOTT choreograph the first part of "Hard Knock Life" and proceed to scream with delight through it all...
It is going to be totally adorable...GOTT is genius.
After that I decided it was time to go shopping...
for...
underwear...
(men, you can just stop reading here...or scroll down a bit...because you cannot relate to the experience at all...)
I've lost so much weight that I needed to be "fit" for undergarments and dammit I have worked hard so I was going to reward myself with something from Victoria's Secret.
When I get to goal weight I'm going to blow a chunk of cash on something from Agent Provocatuer (right now I only wear their perfume) but for now VS will more than do.
I go into the store and the darling sales girl screams when I tell her I have lost 110 pounds. She kept asking me how I did it...
4 bras and 8 pairs of underwear later I left the store with a red bag full of undergarments in my hand.
I haven't shopped at Victoria's Secret in 8 years...almost 9...
It. Felt. Great.
Would it be oversharing to say that I even bought some thongs?
I always overshare...
But if Dimples is going to have me do a bijillion squats, lunges, and step-ups, by damn I will not have panty lines...
After all of that fabulous shopping it was time for bootcamp.
Which was awesome...
We are all getting stronger...more fit...feeling good...
But the best part was that we were joined by a WARRIOR...a beautiful kicked-cancer-in-the-ass warrior...my friend Princess C...
(You see...when you kick cancer in the ass you get to be called Princess in my world...)
So Princess C will celebrate one year since her surgery tomorrow...
And she looked beautiful to me...
her hair has come back...and her beautiful eyes were more beautiful than ever...
and she worked out and had fun with us and said it felt so good to be moving...to be outside and enjoying it...and I loved watching her move about the park with us.
Because...she is here...
Because she survived...
Before bootcamp I showed Dimples my "goal" dress.
I pulled it out today and gave it a good long hard look.
I have a couple of goal dresses...they were my mother's. All of them black, all of them special...
But this dress...this is THE dress.
It's the Vera.
The Vera Wang.
No, not THE Vera Wang that I want Oprah to get me...that will be a gown...
This one is a cocktail dress.
One I chickened out of wearing to a party 8 years ago.
Here it is...
front view...one shoulder...sheer in the back...
Here is the back...you can't really see it very well...
So I show this to Dimples...who just smiled and looked slightly puzzled as to why I was holding a dress in front of him, but he's a doll and patient so he let me explain...
And I told him that I was holding the little scrap of black fabric he was working to get me in.
I often visualize that dress when I want to give up...
Today it made me run faster.
When I got home I hung the dress back up. And then I decided I couldn't help myself.
I had to see how "far" I was from getting into it.
I slipped it on...over my head...
ok
Then I reached for the zipper...
it zipped!
OK...
stretchy fabric...
but it was not heinous...I mean, with a good pair of spanx (or two) I could wear it.
I showed Ke$ha Barbie. We both got pretty excited. I cried. She hugged me and kissed me...and finished zipping me up.
And declared that I was going to look hot in it when I wore it.
So now I have a couple of months before the party I plan to wear it to. And I now know I can do it.
It's in my grasp.
But I'll still need spanx...or a thong...or fishing line and Crisco.
In any case...I can wear the dress.
When I took it from my mother's closet after she died I said it was because I wanted to wear it sometime. I didn't know when or how but I WANTED to wear the dress again.
After a few years I figured I would just give it to Ke$ha Barbie.
She says she is fine with it being mine...what a good daughter...
So it was a good Monday...and I'm feeling good.
I wore a silly skirt with boots, I bought thongs and bras, I zipped up a dress that I thought I would never wear.
But despite all of THAT good...the BEST part...the truly BEST part was Princess C showing up to work out with us.
Because she is a warrior...and she will be strong again...and she is, and always has been BEAUTIFUL
And she's feeling good...
And THAT, well that...that is priceless...she is here and she kicked cancer in the you-know-what...and she's feeling good...
And that makes me feel REALLY good!
Inspiration Song: "Feeling Good"...multiple artists...George Michael has a great version...but my favorite is Buble...Michael Buble...he's dreamy...
Bye Darlings...do something that makes you feel good today!
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