Bridge Burning

I was all prepared to write a blog about my birthday..one where you would hear me endlessly whine about how much I am not ready to be 50 and how it sucks...I even started it last night...but then something happened with a friend so I want to talk about this instead...so once again jump on the therapy train with me and see where we end up...I'm not sure it will be a smooth ride and I can promise a lot of hills and tunnels (which is where I get scared and lost) but at the end we will pull into some sort of resolution station...just where that is I have no idea...these blogs are just basically word vomit that I spit out when I need to talk about something and today this is more important than how much I hate my 50 year old skin...

Hello Darlings...

If you are friends with me on facebook you might have seen that I lost a friend today...or nearly so...the jury is still out...

I have a dear (or at least thought she was dear) friend who cut me out of her life with no explanation...I continually reached out to her and she wouldn't call me back or text her...a few weeks ago she finally texted me to say I had hurt her terribly but she didn't want to get into it because she had too much going on and when she was done with her stuff she would tell me how I had hurt her and we would get through it...

So I got tired of waiting, and more than a little hurt that on my birthday all she could muster up for me was to post "happy birthday" on my Facebook wall, and sent her an email yesterday telling her I loved her and was confused by what happened and wished she would tell me how I had so terribly hurt her

all along I thought she was mad at me about a request I made of her...but I never got an explanation or told "hey! that hurt my feelings...you aren't being supportive"...but instead she just said ok and then nothing...

So I emailed her and told her I missed her and wanted to know what was going on...

she responded...

At first I thought it was about some stuff I posted on FB (because she kept saying "your postings" and then "Facebook" in her email response ) so I thought it was that...

BTW this was all via email since she has refused to speak to me on the phone for over a month...

but then an email later she basically yelled at me saying "this has nothing to do with your posts and I don't think you are getting it!!!!"

ok...

Maybe it was because 4 different times in her first email she said "postings" or Facebook?  Like 3 paragraphs worth of telling me how what I posted hurt her deeply and was like a knife in her heart?

But apparently despite that it had nothing to do with social media...

I.am.confused.

Color me super confused

And by the way being yelled at in an email is disquieting...and you know when you are being screamed at...

I had wanted to resolve this weeks ago when I could tell she was ignoring me...

mostly because I like to resolve things right away and not dwell (ok so this is soooo dwelling here because I am blogging about it) and I like to apologize when I have hurt or angered someone and ask forgiveness and move the hell on...

I don't like things to fester...things that fester start to ooze and get nasty and smelly and infected and then what was a little thing becomes a big one...

When an elephant poops in the room you clean it up...

(I learned that from a therapist and if you have ever smelled elephant dung you know why that is a perfect thing to say...you just don't leave something that stinky laying around)

If I had hurt her I wanted to fix it...right away...

so that's when I started calling her...

when she finally responded she told me she had too much else going on and when she was ready she would discuss this with me...

so I was basically expected to be like a little dog that you accidently kick but then he comes running up to you a minute later because he forgot you kicked him

I am not a dog

and by not giving me a clue as to what was wrong and what I had done to offend her so much she just chose to close me out of her life and put me on the back burner until she wanted to let me back in and tell me what I had done to so horribly offend her...

I don't work that way...

I work like this:
you offend me in some way...
if it's a major offense I tell you right away...
and then I forgive you

if it is a minor thing I let it go...
life is too short

And if I offend you I want to be told right away I have committed an offense and let's deal the hell with it and get it over with...

you work through it with your friends and loved ones...

and you do it right away so that you don't confuse things

Today I was told by my friend I was abusing her...not sure if she meant I was abusing her by asking her to explain what she was so mad at or by the offense I had committed but in any case she used the word abuse

Right now I am shaking me wee little head on this one...

I still am unclear as to just what I did that was so awful and horrible...because her accusations against me changed with each email...but I think it still comes down to FB...

I have lost friends before because of things I said on my blog but this was the first time I was losing someone over FB postings...

oh right...it wasn't that...

or was it....

I am so confused...

but the good news is that she did text me later and apologized for lashing out at me...I think maybe we still can be friends...and I am very happy about that

But I learned a hell of a lot from it all...

1) Don't go to bed angry---we all know this one but it's really proof that you need to tell someone that they have done something to upset you right away...don't let it sit and that proverbial molehill becomes a mountain...just talk it out and get it behind you

2) Social media changes friendships---your life is out there for the world to see and what you post might upset someone

but...

3) it's your life and your FB so you should be able post whatever you want...you should not have to hold back enthusiasm for something that gives you joy just because someone else might get jealous about it...

4) middle aged women can turn into middle school girls in 2.6 seconds...I don't even have to touch this one...I just got gobsmacked in the face with it again and jeez I thought that by turning 50 I finally could leave middle school behind...guess not...

and here are the things that weren't just reinforced to me but truly were surprising to me to discover:

1) I can't really be anyone but who I truly am...once a cheerleader always a cheerleader...and when I love something or am enthusiastic about something I can't help but yelp with joy...I love thanking people publicly and giving a shout out to those who help me or improve my day or life...I love bragging on my kids and my students...I love sharing the things that I love with others...because I want to spread the joy or get someone to try something new!    So I can't curb my enthusiasm very much...and I am not sure I should be asked to...and I shouldn't let someone's jealousy or ego force me to not be authentic or express myself...

2) I have been told by some people that I am too self-absorbed and narcissistic...that no one really gives a damn about my thoughts...today I learned differently...not everyone may give a damn about what I think but I don't think anyone is offended by my silly musings...and really no one should care what I think because my opinions are just that...MY opinions...no one has to like them or approve of them but unless I call you out directly and by name how can I truly offend you?

I realize sometimes I might offend someone with my political leanings so that is why I tend to keep it to the blog and not FB and I know full well that some people won't agree with me on things but everyone is entitled to their opinion and they don't have to like mine...but I have the right to express it.  I have lost friends over my support of gay rights...I was sorry to lose their friendship but it has not changed my mind one bit about marriage equality or that I feel that gay people make just as good parents as straight people do...or that no one should be discriminated against because of who they love or what gender they identify with...I believe in love and considering right now that all of my love and affection comes from a grey formerly stray cat I can't judge nor would I ever judge.  I will judge you if you abuse someone but not by what your sexual preference is. 

I believe in love...and when I love something or someone I love telling them so (ask my poor children who get "I love You"d too death) so if I love you---well you are gonna hear it...

I was overwhelmed by my friends telling me not to change...and if you don't like what I post on FB I hope you do what I do when I see something that I find silly or not to my liking---

SCROLL DOWN AWAY FROM IT

and if that person is a constant offender of your values just remove them from your feed

or unfriend them

you don't have to subject yourself to something that bothers you...and if I am what bothers you then just ignore me...the lovely thing is that I will likely never know it...

I have had to cut a few people out of my life....my reasons are very personal but in some instances it has been because of substance abuse and others it is because that person has emotionally abused me or abused my friendship in a way that was unacceptable to me (like making me the unknowing cover for someone to carry on an affair...not kidding...not ok...)

We have to get toxic people out of our life...toxicity can spread...

but we need to be sure that we truly need to let those people go...because once you burn a bridge sometimes there is no way to get back over the river and you just might want to visit the other side of that river again...

you have to be careful when you lash out at someone...

or when you withhold your feelings to someone and instead just give them the cold shoulder but hope that at some point they will just sit back and let you have a go at them for it...

or when you wait so long to tell someone they hurt you that what really hurt you gets forgotten and that molehill is Everest...and the real reason you were upset with that person was easily forgiven but then it become more

so much more

I don't have a problem with losing a friend when you just naturally drift apart...lives change and move in different directions...and that is perfectly ok...it happens and it is no ones fault...but you still love that person (and without naming names I hope a certain sweet friend I used to spend a lot of time with who's life moved in a good positive way and in a good relationship will see this and know that I love her very much and I miss her but it's no one's fault and it's all good)

I tried not to burn any bridges when I divorced my ex and I have remained friends with just about everyone but his best friend

who never liked me anyway

the last time I saw the man he was rude and unfriendly...but he tends to be that way anyway...and I told him to tell his wife hello...and I know he is protective of my ex so that is ok...I'm not going to burn a bridge with him because I love his wife and daughter dearly...

If you are going to cut someone out of your life think carefully and choose wisely...

I was even told today "do not contact me again" but I wasn't willing to walk away when I knew I had not committed an offense that was great enough to end a friendship and I wanted to fight for it...because I love my friend...

in my youth and younger days my father and my ex used to accuse me of "painting myself into a corner" because I would get ticked off and issue ultimatums and declare I was "done" with someone or something and very often I really didn't want to be done...I was just mad and wanted to be right or get my way

I was a spoiled brat

but after years of sitting alone in that corner waiting for the paint to dry so I could get out of the corner I learned a lot about how very stupid I was being...

and I am a lot more careful about corners and what I walk away from or declare an ultimatum about...

I have so many wrinkles in myself that I need to iron out or botox (freeze) so that they don't get worse...and I am not talking about my skin...

I will let someone go if they want to....but I will fight before I do so...and I try not to just get pissed and pull a trigger when it isn't warranted.

This summer I counseled a young friend I love dearly that she needed to let go of some people in her life that weren't doing any good in her world...that she was to rise above what was going on and to just let it go...I know she struggled with it and it was so very painful for her but she did it and is much happier for it...she relied on her faith and her own good sense to move on...and I am so busting proud of her for it...and I learned a lot from watching her do it...she showed a level of maturity that many young women her age don't have and I admire her so much for doing it...I love her dearly and she is a hero to me because she did something most young people would not do...she needed to leave those people behind but she did it with enough dignity that I am pretty sure if she ran into them at Starbucks that she won't be the one who turns tail and runs away...

so don't burn those bridges...if you find yourself walking over one to the other side be sure you leave a clear path to run back...the new side may not be brighter or better...

or you may like the new side better and find good things there...but you still need to have the freedom to go back to the other side and see what is still there...

it might be something really good you forgot and left behind...

So...

be someone worth fighting for
be a friend that won't let another friend go without a fight if they are worth keeping
let people loose who are toxic and hurt you

and don't burn bridges...

because bridges are very hard to build...

Thanks for taking this therapy ride with me...if I can just inspire just one of you to forgive someone or to not go to bed angry with someone then all I have dealt with today is worth it...I"m not sure any of it made sense but I am who I am and I guess the bottom line is I'm still trying to grow up and learn from things...

Inspiration Song: "Bridge Burning" by the Foo Fighters...oh how I love them...great band and great lyrics and frankly I want to know why God put someone as awesome as Dave Grohl on this earth and didn't give him to me...I'm pretty sure he drives a big ass truck...it's about making mistakes...and once you burn those bridges you can gather the ashes but they will blow away...

Bye Darlings...don't let people change you...don't let someone make you feel bad about yourself when it is their own issue that is the problem...don't let someone's jealousy rob you of your joy...

and don't burn bridges...

(You Gotta Have) Friends

Hello Darlings...

Well a couple of Fridays ago I had a little hiccup in my plans for that particular weekend and my life for these next few weeks...

I had to experience something every parent dreads...

a kid with a broken bone

and now...

a cast...

A few weeks ago The Cutest Boy in the World (TCBITW) broke his right fibula in a football game.

(And please please NO JUDGEMENT on the fact my son plays football...he loves it and frankly I already had one friend tell me "but I guess that is what comes with playing football sometimes"...just say your are sorry and ASK HOW THE CHILD IS and don't pass judgement on how it happened...it felt like being hugged and slapped at the same time when that was texted to me by my friend--like saying "sorry but that's what he gets for playing"...ugh!)

I had looked down at my phone to answer a text when it happened...it was a kickoff and I wasn't paying a lot of attention...but at the end of the play there was a boy down on the field and even before RoyBoy said "that is TCBITW on the field" I KNEW it was my kid...

KuteKaren held my hand until they got him up...the trainer and the team doc carried him off the field and even from way up in the stands I could see he was hurting...a lot...

We watched as a gaggle of little girls hung over the railing to check out what was going on with the hurt boy...

I sat glued to my seat like a good varsity mom even though everything inside me was screaming:

MY BABY IS HURT AND I NEED TO GET TO HIM AND HOLD HIM AND KISS THE BOO-BOO AND MAKE IT ALL BETTER BECAUSE I AM HIS MOMMY...

but I just sat there and held on to KuteKaren...

and then the trainer texted me with the dreaded:

"you might want to come down here..."

I kissed KuteKaren and RoyBoy goodbye and made the long trek down the bleachers to my son...

We were at Rice Stadium...it's a big place

It's a long damn way down to the field when you are at the top and with my crappy knees it is even worse (and I was in cute Varsity Mom clothes so I had on this long maxi skirt that I kept tripping over) and then I began to feel like the mom in Poltergeist when she was trying to get down the hall to her kids and the hallway keeps getting longer and longer

that was the longest trip down a set of stadium steps I have ever experienced...

I get down there and one look at my son's face told me everything...

he was hurt...and not just a twisted ankle...

The team doc (who lucky for us is one of the best orthopedic surgeons in town) explained that he thought something was broken and to come to his office in the morning for x-rays...

and he gave us a painkiller prescription (which turned out to be super difficult to find now that oxycodone is one of those drugs that are scheduled and regulated more strictly)

and yes I wanted to take the painkiller myself and no I didn't actually take it...

because we couldn't get any...all the 24 hour pharmacies near my house or the ex's house were out...

When I first got down to my son HotDoc came and sat with me (HotDoc gets her name because I am pretty sure she qualifies as the most gorgeous OB/Gyn in the world and she delivered TCBITW...her son plays on the team and she is a friend...an amazing friend)

HotDoc wasn't going to let anything bad happen to TCBITW...she brought him into this world and she has stuck by him ever since...when he got a concussion 2 years ago she checked him out for me then too...so she sat there with us until the game was over and interpreted everything the orthopedic guy was saying and even helpfully had some super-sized dose of ibuprofen that the ortho guy said "get it now!"...lucky lucky lucky us...

Then PrettyPhyllis came to hold my hand and her hubby LAwsome (that is my hollywood couples combo way of putting two names together...his first name starts with LA and he is Awesome) came to lend us support...

The headmaster and athletic director came by...but weirdly the coach never did and frankly I'm not so happy with the man about that...we were winning 45-0...

We had a lot of emotional support during the second half of the game and after the game while we waited for the boys to board the bus...we are blessed by how wonderful my son's teammates are and their wonderful families are amazing...

I got into my car and called KuteKaren and cried...and then pulled it together and went into mom overdrive mode...

once I got him home and he showered and ate he said he hurt and just wanted to get to bed...

the next day we went to the doctor and did the x-rays and sure enough the bone was broken so he is now in a dandy-fine school colored purple cast...

Saturday and Sunday I got a lot of phone calls and texts and emails (thank you D'Nice,  LovelyLisa, Debquestrienne, and CuteColleen and DarlingDebbie and many more) asking how he was and offering to help and go to the store (Marvelous Margaret and Pretty Phyllis you are amazing) or just run errands for me...

And KuteKaren came by and brought treats so that definitely perked him up...rice krispies treats will do that...that was a rock star move...

And as I sit and write this another friend's son has broken his leg in a game...I know it is a rough sport but these boys LOVE it.  So now my son and his friend will form the "cast and crutches club" at school and since they have the same doctor I have a feeling that poor man is going to get mighty tired of cute blonde boys with broken legs...

I'm just waiting for them to try "let's race down the hallway"...I can see the seniors placing their bets now...

The other mom and I are even trying to work out doc appointments together so that we can help shuttle our broken boys and help each other out...

and that is what I am talking about here...

how we help each other out...

because we all know it takes a village...

especially when it comes to raising boys...

but it has also taken a village to raise me...

When I was young I remember my mom's friends and their kids being around so much...and woe to you if you EVER ignored the command of ANY mom be it your own or another...they weren't moms---they were THE MOM...you just did what any of them said to do...trust me I had not one mom but about 7...and to this day if I was to lose one of them it would be like losing my mom all over again...

when my mom died those women held me together...they were my super glue...they knew they had to take over...I felt their love from the pews at the funeral and afterwards for weeks and the years to come...and some of them, like CuteCarolyn and PhabulousPhoebe still look after me...

and I need a lot of looking after...

a whole lotta looking after...

My mom's death was the most devastating thing to ever happen to me...losing my dad was crushing but losing my mom killed me inside more than just a little bit...

it literally took some of the life out of me...life that I have never fully gotten back...

I was so gut-punched and it was so unexpected and sudden that it was as if it was a dream...

no, make that a terrible nightmare...

but lucky for me I had friends to lift me up and hold me when I couldn't stand alone...

I had KuteKaren who made sure I attended a gala I had helped organize and she got me prettied up and kept me going all night...she made sure I kept going even when I didn't want to and she knew my mom would have killed me if I had sat home that night...

I had NotADullChristy to come and watch my house when I was at the funeral home.  She stayed there with her husband and young daughter and accepted flowers and deliveries and was there to hold me when I got out of the car after picking out my mother's casket.  Her sweet child, who I love dearly, looked at me and said "why you crying?  your Mommy in HEAVEN!!!" and that was just what I needed to hear...

I had friends come over and help me tidy up my cluttered house and bring food and take my children.  I had one amazing friend Fabnessa (she's just fabulous) open her home for the reception after the funeral...and many friends like MarvelousMaura and CuteCindy and CuteCarrie who helped her and made sure I kept moving forward and being someone my mom could be proud of...(and CuteCarrie brought me her dilled carrots which pretty much are my happy place of veggies)

And then there was DarlingDana...if I start to write about how she helped me I won't finish this blog but when she called me hours after my mom died (when almost no one knew) and I heard her voice I can tell you her strength radiated through to me...and when I told her I was going to eulogize my mom she is the one person who truly believed I could do it (she had to do it for her very precious young niece so I knew she could help me)...I felt her strength as I stood in front of everyone in the church and I knew as long as I looked at her and my mom's friends that I could say what I needed to say...I felt as if she was standing beside me holding me up...and she also took care of my son for about a month...and has always been the one person I could always call and say "can you take care of/pick up/wait for TCBITW?"...and she would do it...

I went through weeks in a fog and they were my guiding light...

After some time (about a week) I knew I had to go back to the school and help GOTT by finishing up the costuming of "The Music Man".  It was our first real collaboration (other than a tiny brief foray into helping decorate a set that previous fall---the best thing I got out of that was my BuddyBubba, a now grown man who I love so much I cry when I see him...).

Anyway...

(can you tell the ADD is on def-con 5 today?)

Anyway...I went to school and  crept into the back of what I thought was the empty fine arts center only to find the entire 8th grade class having religion in the room...I tried to be stealthy but...

I wasn't stealthy enough...then sweet LovelyLauren sees me and asks Father W if she can go hug me...the next thing I know I have about 50 kids herding to me...and I was crying so hard I could barely stand...those children literally loved the hurt out of me and to this day I have so much love for each and every one of them that I wish I could call them all my own...they will never know what that meant to me but I know it when I see them...

It's a mighty thing when your friends come together to help you out and to love you out of whatever pain you are in...and I feel that I often don't do my fair share in return...

And even though my son's broken leg doesn't compare to losing my mom it still felt good and amazing to receive the outpouring of love from our community and to have so many mamas offer to help us out...

you may never know how much it means to a single mom who can't leave her child how wonderful the offer of going to the store can be...

or to have a mom call and ask how your child is feeling and that they are sorry he is hurt and just let you cry a bit or express your sadness for your child's injury...

or to have an amazing young lady text me that she is praying for him and me (my little Hummingbird angel love girl...) through the night...oh boy I needed that one!

or to have 50 comments or posts on facebook telling you that your child is in their prayers and thoughts..

or to have a friend come by and bring treats to cheer a patient up...

or have someone bring your child home so you can take a much needed break and get yourself sane with a spin class (PrettyPhyllis to the rescue again)

sometimes when I realize how little it takes to truly lift someone up I get mad at myself that I don't do more for others...

it is wonderful and amazing to give time to charity and worthy causes but it also does a world of good to do some random acts of kindness...

like...

pay the toll on the toll road for the guy behind you...

or let someone in front of you in the check out line when she has 3 items and you have a basketful

or if you will just sit and listen when a friend says "can I come over and talk...I need advice" (you know who you are woman and I am proud of you and how you are moving your life forward)

or to cook dinner for a friend who is sick...and don't forget to give her the recipe so she can cook it later when she is feeling better...

or to offer to pick up a friend's child from school when you know the other mom is busy...

even a Facebook shout-out can lift someone's spirits to new heights...

or a text that says you are thinking about someone when they are having a tough time (and try not to be judgmental if it's something they did...just send love...the lecture can come later)

big gestures like throwing a party are wonderful but what is even better is when you have a friend that says "I will cook you dinner for your birthday" and it is the most delicious meal ever...
(yes that happened and yes it was amazing and perfect because it was D'nice who did it and she's an amazing cook...I'm not big on big parties anyway but I do love her chicken piccatta more than anyone else's)

I used to delight DarlingDana by making an extra batch of my special chicken salad when I would make it for a party or teachers...just showing up with that Tupperware container of chicken salad goodness put a smile on her face and I know she misses that salad since she moved to another town...but it is little things like cooking a bit extra of a favorite meal or treat that your loved ones will remember...just like I remember CuteCarrie bringing me those yummy carrots...

It's almost Thanksgiving so I want to challenge all of you to do a few random acts of kindness in thanksgiving for all the love you receive...I'm going to try and to some little something each day because I feel so very blessed by my friends...I will try and do things for my friends and strangers alike...

I am so grateful for my life...

I have two amazing children that bring me joy every single day...I love them more than I thought it was possible to love anyone or anything...

I was able to leave an unhappy marriage and still make a home for my kids...and it is a  beautiful and comfortable home...

I have a job I love where I get to be with some amazing and awesome kids every day and their love and hugs sustain me...

I have a car that is practically new and kitties to cuddle...no man but for now the cats will do just fine because no man would willingly take on my schedule these days...

I have a wonderful place to workout and keep myself healthy...and I love each and  every single person there...my Revolution Studio friends do more than hand me towels or get me sweating...they lift me up...

I have an amazing family that I love so very much...sisters and a sister-in-law who put up with my nonsense and explain to their children how I am pretty much Auntie Mame...and my cousins who keep the fun in my life and my aunts and uncles who love me despite of myself...

and I have friends...so many wonderful loving friends...friends I have known for years, friends I have recently met, friends from the schools I work at, friends from working out, friends from my son's school...and friends who appear in my life from what seems like nowhere and are angels...

you gotta have friends...

they are your team...
they are your parents...
they are your guardian angels...
they are your support staff...
they are your light in your life...

So do a little something for a friend...or a stranger...

you never know---that stranger may end up being a friend...

So for me I want to have as many friends as I can...because I can't make it without them...

YOU GOTTA HAVE FRIENDS...

at least I know that I do...

Inspiration Song: "Friends" by Bette Midler...there are about 1000 songs named "Friends" so I am distinguishing this one as the "you gotta have friends" one...because you GOTTA HAVE FRIENDS...

Bye Darlings---and thank you to all of my friends who love me through my troubles and mistakes and help me raise my kids and take such great care of me...

I Go Crazy

Warning...this is another therapy session blog...

Warning...there are graphic descriptions of needles being stuck in my knees...

Warning...we already know I am crazy...but please know that I do not take the term "crazy" lightly...I have suffered from depression before and know many loved ones who have suffered with depression and mental illness...so I don't mean this to be in any way disparaging to those who sufffer...

 hello darlings!

I"m gonna let you in on a little secret...

I get a little obsessed about things...

ok maybe a lot obsessed...

What? You NOTICED that?  Really?!?!

Ok, I will own up to what we all know...I tend to have obsessions with things and share...maybe even overshare about them...

You have all been along for the ride with me with these latest obsessions:

spinning
Katy Perry
spinning
margaritas with jalapenos in them
spinning
football
spinning
spinning
spinning

There are some others but these are the ones that most come to mind...

oh yes...

and spinning...

lest you forget...

I also have really bad ADD which I am sure you have figured out by now because so many of my blogs start off one way and then...squirrel!!!!...I have gotten distracted and something else starts to flow out of me...

like that....just now...

So yesterday became the pinnacle of my obsession and craziness when I literally started to cry at the doctor's office because he said I could not go to Marvelous Mel's spin class after he injected my knees with gel...

First a little background...

My knees are total crap...

like bone on bone total crap...

like 80 year old woman total crap...

like I spent years at 300 lbs walking on them crap

like I need a knee replacement total crap...

you got it?

My knees...

they are crappy and KILL ME

for some reason they don't always hurt when I spin and a lot of times they feel better when I do.  In fact the last few weeks when I did 12 spin classes in 11 days they almost didn't hurt at all

(see I am so obsessed I even did two classes in a row one day and I only stopped myself from having day 12 of it because I knew I HAD to give my body a little break)

This summer when I could take it no more I went to the orthopedic surgeon I see and he looked at my knees and x-rays and declared that my knees were crap...

So we tried cortisone shots...

they worked...a bit...for like 5 minutes...ok more like a couple of weeks but it felt like 5 minutes...

So when I was at the doc he said if the cortisone didn't help enough we could do these gel shots.

I kept hearing from people what a miracle the gel shots were so I figured I would give it a go.  The doc's assistant sent the order to my pharmacy...

and it only took 2 months for them to figure it out and get me the stuff...not kidding

geez...

so between the pharmacy and insurance the stuff gets to the doc and I'm told to come in Monday to have the gel injected.

Let me tell you how joyful the thought of having needles stuck in your knees is...there are worse places I know but knees fall far behind:
buttocks
arm
forehead (my Botox)
big wrinkle between eyebrows
crows feet area

I won't list the worst places...use your imagination...

but Botox and flu shots don't bother me all that much..."that much" being relative because I really hate hate hate needles.

When I talked to the doc's assistant he told me I could go to spin class after...I don't think he realized I literally planned to drive straight to the studio and spin...and I had plenty of people tell me:

"you will not want to do that...you will want to go home and rest you knees"

but since I went to medical school and spent years training in orthopedic surgery and knees especially I knew I could do it

(that last sentence is totally fictional because: 1) I am not a doctor and 2) I have never been to medical school)

but I always know what is BEST for me (not) and so I just knew I could go...I had a bike booked and my workout clothes in the car...

all I needed was for him to shoot the stuff into my knees and off I would go!

I waited an hour and a half to see him...the clock was ticking and I was downtown and it was 5:15...

class was at 6:30...

but I was going to go to Marvelous Mel's Monday Madness dammit...

So Javier the assistant lays out the stuff and I see a whole lotta syringes and needles...

gulp...

doc comes in and asks how I am and starts prepping my knees...sprays me with the freeze spray and then sticks in a long needle full of lidocaine

sumabitch

bad words
bad words
bad words

that hurt like a sumabitch...and then some...and THAT was the PAINKILLER

it took my breath away...

he pokes me again in the knee and starts to put the gel in and oh dear heavens mary and joseph and all my children and good golly miss molly it...

HURT

took my breath away...

he told me to talk it would take my mind off it

I informed him that I could not...and I was trying to breathe...

(there are very few times in my life when I am literally rendered speechless...this was like time #3)

then I noticed there was stuff still in the syringe when he pulled it out...it was at that point I realized we were going to get to have this little party again...

we were going to get to have this little party again 2 more times

and I still had the left knee to go...

that one wasn't as bad but still...there were a lot of bad words wanting to fly out of my mouth...

so he says "come back next Monday" ...

and I'm all...um really?

ok...

and I said:

"I AM GOING TO GO TO SPIN CLASS NOW'

and he says "um...no you are not...I don't recommend it...in fact I highly recommend you don't go and should probably just go home"

and that my friends is when the tears started...

not when he poked me with needles but when he grounded me

Like I said...I go crazy...I am crazy...I am obsessed...

I said "do you know what you are asking of me?  you are telling me I can't go to the class that makes me not hate Mondays..the class that makes my week start of perfectly...the class that makes me so damn happy I leave with a sweaty smile on my face...the class that literally removes all evil from my life?"

(ok so I didn't say all of that...but I was thinking it...)

so while I wiped tears I said:

"but I really love that spin class"

and he said "love it next time but tonight you are not going"

I felt like a toddler...

and he said more stuff and it all became like the Charlie Brown teacher was talking to me and it felt like a tunnel was pulling me back like the mom trying to get to the door in Poltergeist and all I could think of was:

but I took two days off and today I really really wanted to go to Marvelous Mel's class...

and then I said "ok" to it and told him next week I was spinning in the morning BEFORE he stuck needles in my knees again and he laughed..,and told me I must really really like spin class...

I sorta do...

maybe you noticed...

and then I asked if I had permission to go to Spec's Liquor Warehouse since I was downtown and all and not getting to go to spin class and there was bad traffic...

he ok'd that with the promise I would not spend all night there

(he sorta knows me well)

So I schlumped back to the car and called the studio and told them to give my bike to some deserving soul who had knees that weren't crap and could ride in my spot...

and then I cried again...

and drove to Spec's...

and bought some really good red wine...

But last night as I lay icing my sore knees I replayed this all in my mind and saw the depth of my obsession...that I love spinning and those classes so much that even thought I totally hate needles the worst part of all of it was that I couldn't ride last night.

Because I am obsessed...

But that is ok...there are worse things to be obsessed with and at least this one is healthy...

and I get so much more than a workout there...I get a chance to feel on that bike...to think to let it all go to let it loose to let it out...just like that run on sentence...it just flows from me...

sweat and pain

sweat and joy

sweat and heartache

sweat and what is bottled inside

and my beautiful angels on the bike on the stage before me get my heart racing and my calories burning and my muscles moving but they also get my heart and soul running at light speed and I feel so much better about myself when I leave there...

and yesterday I just really wanted to sweat and feel...

I don't have a love or lover...unless you count my kitties...

I have beautiful wonderful children that are my world but I know better than to put my happiness on their shoulders...

I put my happiness on MY shoulders...

I live and love for me and not what someone else can do for me with their love...

so when I go and the instructor tells me to stop competing with anyone else...or just to strive to take myself one step further or better...or to let go of anything that is in my way that is THERAPY for me...

and I get it a whole lot cheaper there than at a psychiatrist's office....

and it keeps me looking into myself to find that "me" I want to be...

not in a physical sense but the "me" I want to be with my HEART

so yeah...I am obsessed

because there is a whole lotta crazy in me but I don't think it is a bad kind of crazy...

just a "I'm gonna be 50 in less than a month and I can still be so much more than I am today" kind of way...

I don't want to stop trying to be better just because I can officially be a member of AARP...

I never want to stop growing and learning and trying to be a better mom, friend, lover...HUMAN

I want to go through the rest of my life looking at the journey ahead and appreciating the road I have traveled...

because it is a whole lotta road...and I have been through some "sheet" my friends...

but I have learned from it...

and I use that as the fuel to keep me going forward...

so if my obsession is that I climb on a bike for 45 minutes pretty much every day and I sweat and twerk and ride it out then so be it...

and if I don't go I go crazy...

because it is not about the calories...it's about the FEELING I get when I work so damn hard for 45 minutes...

something that I could never have done 4 years ago...something I am proud of myself each and every time I do it...

because once upon a time I was fat and miserable and in a marriage that wasn't working and I quit caring about who I was and what I looked like...I quit caring about my health

and mostly I quit caring about loving myself...

I GAVE UP ON ME

I gave up on everything about myself and just kept eating and being a couch potato and buying bigger fat clothes...

I don't do much for myself...I spend 90% of my awake time tending to the needs of others and doing things to make the people I love in my life happy...

but for that 45 minutes a day I get to love myself...to put myself first and do something that is for me...

and for that...

I will happily go crazy...

even if it means I look like a toddler in front of my doctor

and next week when he sticks me in the knees with the needles I am going to take a deep breath and let the pain go and send my mental love to all my friends riding in class...

because I will have already been to spin class...

HA!

Inspiration Song....some of you are so darn young that I can't even justify patting you on your darling heads for not knowing this song..."I Go Crazy" by Paul Davis...it's a song about running into your love that got away...and for me yesterday bike 6 at Revolution Studio was the love that got away...but in reality it is a really pretty song...

Bye Darlings...I may be crazy and obsessed but bear with me...I have such bad ADD something new is bound to come along like a distracting squirrel...but I don't think my love of spinning is going to go away...

Stronger

I've been working on one of those "let's get all therapy up in here" blogs but like the "Love Me Again" blog it's one of those that I have to go to and step away from...it's a heart cleansing thing and I've spilled some tears writing it...so that one will wait

Because tonight I did something that scared me...

and it made me...

Stronger

Hello darlings...

Believe it or not I am gonna lead of this blog with the lyrics of...

Kanye West...

and for those of you who just spit something at the screen rest assured I am no big Kanye fan but the first words he says in this song are words that do inspire me:

Work it, make it, do it, makes us
Harder, better, faster, stronger

Read more: Kanye West - Stronger Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Kanye West...

yes Kanye West...

ok clean off the computer screen so you can read...

I am about to have a significant birthday...one that scares me a little...

ok it scares me a lot...

I am a 50 year old overweight divorcee with bad knees and 3 cats and no blue-eyed man with dimples who drives a big ass truck even asking me to dinner...

but I am also...

a 50 year old mom of two amazing kids who has a great job where I get to have about 60 more kids to love...

that's a better way to look at it and both are true...

so I have decided that I want to do a few things that scare me or challenge me before that birthday arrives in just a little over a month.

No, I will not be jumping out of a plane...

my knees are too crappy but the main reason is I am terrified of heights!

So one of the things I decided to do to challenge myself was to take back-to-back spin classes.

so basically an hour and half on the bike at a high level of intensity with one 15 minute break in between but no breaks between songs...up and out of the saddle for long stretches of time...

I have done long master class spin classes before and trust me one hour and 15 minutes is a huge challenge...and those had no breaks to get off the bike.

they were hard as hell especially when JayVee taught them.

but this was a different sort of challenge because you have to play a little mind game with yourself and get back on the bike...

so it was as much mental as physical

but I decided today was the day to give it a try...and so I let my Sunshine Sydney and Marvelous Mel know I was going to do a double and I knew they would love and support me through it.

The first class was a challenge in itself...I could have walked right out of Revolution Studio after that and said "done" because I burned a ton of calories and was whipped.

But to make sure I didn't chicken out I had booked my bike for the second class so if I left I would have a tiny little penalty to pay...

So I put my happy little ass back on the bike after getting toweled off and some water...I had two great riders on either side of me just like I had for the first class

and Marvelous Mel pulled me through...

at the end I was in tears and couldn't help but yelp out:

"I DID IT"

and sweet Mel got the class to cheer for me (because it is ALL ABOUT ME)

I cried through my stretch and I cried when I hugged Mel after and some very sweet girls came up and hugged me and said that they were inspired to try to do it too...

So that is really the point of this blog...yes, I am sharing my story but really what I want to do is what I always want to do...

I WANT TO INSPIRE YOU TO BE A BETTER YOU
TO TAKE YOURSELF TO THE NEXT LEVEL
TO DO SOMETHING THAT CHALLENGES YOU
TO TRY SOMETHING YOU HAVEN'T TRIED BEFORE
TO LET GO OF SOMETHING YOU NEED TO RID YOURSELF OF


I WANT TO HAVE JUST ONE OF YOU WRITE ME TO SAY THAT THIS BLOG INSPIRED YOU TO MAKE YOURSELF HARDER, BETTER, FASTER, STRONGER...

So look inside yourself...find that thing that you want to try...

that thing that challenges you

that thing you want to take to the next level

that part of yourself you want to free

AND JUST DO IT

If my almost 50 year old self can get her big butt up on a bike for 2 high intensity spin classes in a row then I know there are things out there that you people can do that are FAR FAR GREATER

mine was just a challenge to myself, but I want to see everyone doing things that give us that awesome moment where you can yell out

"I DID IT!!!!!!!"

and if that challenge is that you want to try spinning...well you know where to find me...

Inspiration Song:  I can't believe I am typing this "Stronger" by Kanye West.  I don't love all the words in this song but the harder, better, faster, stronger does appeal to me and the beat is pretty awesome...really the credit should be to Daft Punk for their song "Harder Better Faster Stronger" which is heavily sampled on this song...so let's call it Daft Punk...but I am saving that song title for another blog...

Bye Darlings...now that that don't kill me can only make me stronger...and so find that that don't kill you and use it to make you stronger...and then pass it on and inspire others...besos!

Love Me Again

Hello Darlings...

Before you read this know that this is a long rambling therapy session with myself...this blog has taken weeks to write...and more than a few days to decide to share...I share it so others who may feel as I do will know they are not alone...I share it to let you know what is going on in my crazy head because that is what I do...I do not share this as a way for any of you to affirm to me anything about myself...

I want to fall in love

I need to fall in love

But not with some blue-eyed man with dimples who drives a big-ass truck

I need to fall in love with myself...

Because as RuPaul says (and we all know Ru knows how to tell it like it is):

"If you can't love yourself how the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an amen up in here?"

Wise words...

from a fabulous drag queen who I find incredibly inspiring in so many ways...

It's an interesting relationship I have with myself...and I find myself on the slippery slope of becoming more like my mother with my worry about how I look on the outside.

But unlike my mother I love my inside very much...

I know I have a good heart...I love other humans...I give of myself completely...

if I am your friend then you know I love you and I am there for you

I often say that the outside of me is like window dressing in a store front...it's just some fixed up stuff...it's the inside the counts and the inside of "my store" is filled with priceless items and fabulous things that I give freely to all who love me...

But lately I find myself worried about my appearance....

and mostly the weight I have gained over this past year.

Because once you have been at a very scary weight (and I visited that weight more than once in my adulthood) you know you have to fight every day not to go there again.

Every.damn.day.

It is a huge fight and struggle...I have to think about everything I put in my mouth and literally beat myself up for it sometimes...

I looked and felt so darn good after my surgery...I had the flat stomach I had always dreamed of...my thighs (always large) were not bad...my bootie will always be big but it was firm...and I had my Barbie boobs...

But then...ever so slowly...the weight started to creep back on...

At first I noticed things were getting a little tight but I thought I could get it off quickly again...

but then I got busy doing things and eating right and working out got thrown to the backseat...and a little more crept on...

and that pattern continued for a year

and then one day I finally saw myself in the mirror as I really was...I had put on more than a few pounds and working out only twice a week was not doing me any good.  All of my cute new clothes didn't fit or looked terrible and lumpy on me...

It's almost as if for a year I had a magic mirror that blurred the lines so that I didn't see what was really there...but then one day the fog cleared and I saw myself

and

I

cried

no let's make that "I bawled my eyes out"...

Oh I am nowhere near where I was when I was at my heaviest...but I certainly had gained a couple of dress sizes

and what was tight and firm now jiggled like Jello

And I came to the sorry realization that I had let myself go and was no longer putting my health and well-being first...

So I decided to do something about it...

JayVee was instrumental in getting me to get back on track...she suggested I give a new indoor cycling studio a try...she knew I needed more than just her class two days a week and although she never ever once said a negative thing to me about my weight gain I know she saw it and loved me too much to tell me outright...so she guided me...which is what a very very good friend will do...

I had been once before with her to the location near her house but it wasn't all that convenient to my old house...but then they opened a new location so very close to me I couldn't use distance as an excuse...and now that I am in my new house their original location is also close...

So I took myself down there and found...

a revolution

Revolution Studio to be exact...

Now the purpose of this post is NOT to promote one business in particular (although I will fully admit that I am a complete fan of this studio and what they do and I urge you to give them a look if you are looking for a great place to spin!  I will go with you!) but I mention this studio in particular because I'm getting something there I need and it's not just sweat.

Because when we are in class...and we are working so very hard to "tap back"  and keep the beat (and for me in particular this is a challenge when it is fast hip-hop music because I very much have "white girl's rhythm") the instructors feed our souls as well...

It's hard to describe but it truly is more than just a ride on an indoor bike...there is so much love and life-affirming that goes on there that when you get off the bike you find that you are sweaty but somehow feeling so energized and happy that you are truly at your happy place.

There are days that I feel so damn old and fat...and tired...and just like "why the hell do I bother" and then I get in class and Jen the Awesome or KuteKim or MarvelousMel or QueenB or Sweet Charisse or SunshineSydney will say "this is your house of opportunity" and I realize it truly is...

Those 45 minutes are my opportunity to change my body...to be strong...to open my heart to possibilities...to be better...

And that the only person I have to compete with is the person I was yesterday...

It doesn't just make my bootie better...it makes my SOUL better to ride and let it all go...and to hear someone tell me that I AM good enough...strong enough...fast enough...

For a confident person I have a ton of self doubt...

I worry every second about my costuming until I see it on stage and then I know I knocked it out of the park and I did a damn good job...and GOTT will constantly tell me it all looks great but there is this part of me that says "maybe it's not right"...but I am conquering that a lot better this year...

But the biggest part of me with self doubt is about my body...and there I am an epic fail...

Because it has always always always been a struggle....

And it always will be...

I like food...

no let's rephrase that to "I LOVE FOOD"...

and I'm a good cook...and my style of cooking is usually down-home full of butter badness...Paula Deen and the Pioneer Woman are pretty much my cooking spirit animals...but I have learned over the years how to cook very healthy food and be very happy with it...

but let's face it...I never met a french fry I didn't like...

well, to be honest, I only REALLY like french fries from Houston's or King's Inn but trust me I still will eat an albino fry from Whataburger just like it was a nice crispy golden one from McDonald's back in the day...

the fact that I can perfectly describe a really good fry should pretty much tell you how much I like french fries...and how connected I am to food...

I worked so hard...so very very hard...to get those 140 lbs off that I lost a few years ago...I had such drive to get it done...to go from a size 24 to an 8...to go to the Oprah show...to release the girl that was inside me from her fat prison...

And to have let it go and gotten all "fluffy" (ok let's call it what it is---fat...) again is such a disappointment to myself because it makes me question why I let it happen...

because there really was NOT a magic mirror that blurred the lines...i just was blind to myself...

and I have all kinds of excuses as to why...stress...lack of time...hurt knees...moving...blah blah blah

but the heart of the issue was that I stopped loving myself enough to take care of myself as I should...

and then I have the other issue of hating myself for not being a perfect Barbie bodied girl...

it's a love/hate thing...

wow...

I could make a therapist really happy with that realization...

but it really struck me a few weeks ago when I was in spin class and KuteKim and MarvelousMel were teaching...and at the end of the class I cried... and I cried again when I hugged them after because I truly took in what they were saying to me about loving myself and loving that person I see in the mirror...and moving myself forward...and a few days later at Marvelous Mel's Hip-Hop bike party class I found myself in tears through the last two songs as I felt something in me release...and a sense of pride of my ability to DO THIS...

it was very emotional

and hot...it was very very hot...and sweaty...

but it was a hot sweaty epiphany and when I got home and I peeled my wet clothes off of my body and I looked in the mirror and was ready to just HATE my big thighs full of cellulite dimples and my wide middle and extra padding on my hips and let's not even talk about my ass...

I looked in the mirror

and even though I didn't LOVE the body I saw...

I knew that my body was strong enough to kick ass in a spin class even though I am just a few months from 50...

that my body MADE and gestated the two most amazing humans I have ever known (my kids)...

that my body has been through years of yo-yo dieting...and that I will never ever ever look like Heidi Klum or Giselle Bundchen and that's ok because there is only one Heidi and one Giselle and I don't have the genes to be them...

but it is MY body...

and I can change it with what I put into it and the work I put out from it...

It will never be a perfect Barbie body...

I will never be called "thin"

I will never have a "hot body"

but I can have a healthy one...

and now I have to work on THAT being my ideal...not a perfect body but one that is strong and healthy and able to wear the clothes I want to wear...

I am a happy person...I am happy with my life...

but I am not happy with my body right now and I just have had to do a check on myself to see WHY it is so important to me to look "beautiful"...

is it because I am single? (well...yes...I know it is easier to meet someone when you are nice looking and men who are my age are looking for a hot 35 year old not a 50 year old...)

is it because my mother had such value in her own beauty that she spent so much money trying to perfect it? (probably has a lot to do with it)

or is it because somehow I equate looking good with being good?

I can say "NO"to that one...

make that scream "NO" to that one because I never judge anyone by their looks...(although I am shallow enough to admit that if I don't find a man attractive to my sense of what I find attractive I don't want to date him no matter how nice he is because I have to have a physical attraction to someone to be more than friends...and yes that is so shallow that you can throw rocks at me for it)

I am just disappointed that I let myself go and didn't keep up my hard work...

So now when I look in the mirror I still see the flaws and all the extra flesh and I am still disappointed that I am heavy and wish I was that cute little size 8 I was when I got out of surgery...

but I don't HATE myself for it...

and I am working on it...and trying to make sure that this time I keep it off...

because I am happier with my body when it is fit and thinner...

I know my inside is beautiful...I love my friends and family and I give 100% of myself to others and I would give you the shirt of my back if you are someone who needs it...I know I am a good mom and that is what I think is the MOST important thing about me---that I am mom to two wonderful kids...

but I need to quit worrying that the outside of me is beautiful and just focus on the healthy part...

and as I close out this blog that is one rambling therapy session I have to stress this last part...

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT THINK FOR ONE SECOND I WROTE THIS BLOG SO THAT PEOPLE WILL TELL ME I AM BEAUTIFUL...

Please...don't...

and don't say it to me...

that is not how I work or feel...I wrote this blog as a therapy session for myself and to reassure some of you out there who feel the same way that you are not alone...

I am learning to love myself again...to quit worrying what the size label in a dress says and love how I feel...

to forgive myself for having dimpled thighs and just cover them up with a skirt...

to know that all my hard work in spin class and eating right will pay off and I will get back into my cute clothes and be able to wear jeans and darling tops like all the other football moms (see the blog "Don't Play No Game that I Can't Win" for why) and to put on my pretty dresses and feel confident and sexy when I go to dinner with friends...

it will come back...

but first...

I have to love myself...

and then the rest will fall into place

Can I get an AMEN up in here?

Inspiration Song: "Love Me Again" by John Newman.  JayVee introduced me to it and plays it during spin class for me...it's a great song to spin to and the sweeping orchestral arrangement is just awesome...

Bye Darlings...I am learning to love me again...and if you have fallen out of love with yourself I urge you to remember the good things about yourself and fall in love again...because how are you going to love somebody else if you don't love yourself?

AMEN...

Don't Play No Game That I Can't Win

Hellloooo Darlings!

In case you haven't noticed...

it's football season...

And this year I am having my first experience as being a "Varsity Mama".

My son has played football since the 4th grade and I thought I had gotten used to this barbaric sport called football but now that he is playing against the big boys I find that I am not ready to be a Varsity mother...he's ready to play Varsity...I'm just not ready to sit in the stands and watch it...

My son has been on the Varsity wrestling team since he was a freshman but at our school there is a BIG difference between Varsity football and all the other sports.

Football is the big time...

The rest.. they are the stepsisters...

This is Texas after all.

My son got to have a sort-of honorary position of being moved up to the Varsity team after his JV season ended last year but he only practiced with them and stood (in his uniform) on the sidelines.  He didn't play one second of Varsity football last year during a game.

And that was just fine and dandy with me!

But he got a taste of what it was like---the team dinners, the special locker room, Chick-fil-A in the locker room after the game...the fun stuff.

I asked him if it bothered him that his wrestling didn't get all the attention and food and parties and stuff that football got.

My son, ever the practical one said:

"Mom, it's wrestling.  We aren't supposed to eat anything"

(lest that comment worries you I can assure you 100% that my son is NOT allowed to cut weight in crazy ways or wear plastic clothing to sweat in or do any of the crazy stuff some wrestlers do.  His coach only allows a very small weight drop at a time and they weigh and watch them constantly.  I manage his weight during the season by cutting out "bad" carbs and salt).

He loves both sports equally and so it really doesn't bother him that wrestling doesn't get the attention...or the cheerleader buddy gifts and Chick-fil-A.

I am learning a lot about being a Varsity Mom...and I am sorta failing miserably at it.

Things like:

1) The team dad sent out an email at the start of the season reminding us to get hotel rooms for the out of town game and something about shirts.  I THOUGHT I had forwarded that email to my ex-husband and although I wasn't sassy I was a bit to the point and said something about "this is football and it's on you"...

Turns out instead of hitting the "forward" button I hit "respond".  Poor team dad got it.  He sent me back an email suggesting maybe my response was not meant for him.

I.was.mortified.

He (team dad) thought it was hilarious.

I sent back and email informing him that he would not need to play referee and that all the fighting would be down on the field.  When I finally met him face-to-face he said he had been dying to meet the woman who literally made him crack up (there was more to the emails but I won't bore you).

So basically I have screwed up looking cool in front of the Team Dad and Team Mom...

2) NO ONE told me I had to look like and dress like a supermodel for these games.

You should see these women...they are all gorgeous and they all look amazing.

And where the hell they have room in their closets for all the fantastic adorable purple clothes they wear  so chicly I have not one clue...but damn...

So here's me at the first game: long black skirt and purple t-shirt...I had to teach that day.

Here's them: white skinny jeans with chic chiffon purple flow-y top and cute wedge heels...or darling romper in gold and cute cowboy boots (Team mom...she's too cute for words and looks like a teenager)...or precious dress and fun shoes...or cute little shorts and fun little top all in purple and gold...

Oh...and they all have great hair and cute haircuts and hair-do's.

I sport a ponytail...although one time I curled my hair and they only knew who I was because I was wearing my son's jersey.

me: fail
Them: supermodels

I have tried to find adorable purple outfits to fit my oompah loompah shape but I have had little to no luck.

It is my mission this next year to stockpile chic and perfect football mom clothes for next year so I can be dazzling too...

but all I really want to wear is yoga pants and a t shirt.

3) I don't know how to behave in the stands...

I sorta have to tell myself my butt is glued to my seat when my son goes down.

During the first game he rolled his ankle and was slow to get up.  The second game he pulled his achilles.

I had to tell myself : "You are a varsity mom.  Varsity moms sit here cool as a cucumber while their son is rolling on the ground hurt.  You do not move.  You sit stoically.  You remain calm and composed.  You do not go running down the stands and out onto the field to check on your baby.  You are as cool as a north wind."

All the while the rest of me is screaming:

"My baby is hurt and he needs his mama!!!!!"

I learned this from watching the other moms.

I wonder if they are having the same conversation in their heads and also want to run down and hold their baby boys.

I also have once or twice stood up and yelled:

"That's MY boy!!!!" once or twice when he has sacked the quarterback and saved us from doom.

The dads just stare at me...

I don't care...

That was MY boy that just brought down another human...and I totally think he deserves a trophy every time he does it.

I cheer just as hard for my friends son's too.  When my friend PrettyPhyllis's son made an interception last game and the crowd was chanting his name I got teary-eyed.  And when my friend DarlingDebbie's son made a touchdown (he is on defense so that's a big deal) I yelled like he was my own kid...

So yeah...I'm THAT mom in the stands...the LOUD one...the OBNOXIOUS one...

Luckily I have another friend DivineDawn who is as loud or louder than me and next year when her son is on Varsity I will sit with her and we can make enough noise for the whole crowd.

(Except I won't look as fabulous as her because she is just one of those women that even yoga pants and a t-shirt look like couture on because she is so damn fabulous and divine...and she has the cool hair twists that this white girl is jealous of...I named her well...divine...)

OMG and when I watch the cheerleaders I cringe and cover my eyes...they are incredible with their tosses and tumbling and throwing each other about.  So I sit in the stands and sit on my hands so I don't wring them when I watch the girls doing their routines and cheers.  I actually think it might be harder to be a cheer mom than a football mom---at least my boy is wearing padding!

When I was a cheerleader all I had to do was jump and hold up TeenyTinyTerry...and she was teeny tiny...

So I am the mom in the stands who has that worried and concerned look on her face when she watches the cheerleaders...

Someone please tell me how to look gorgeous and chic and wear a mask on my face so I don't look "skeerd" (scared) all the time...

4) I don't know how to do all the socializing that goes along with this team.

I turn right back into the intimidated middle school girl at the team parties...

The seniors moms have been doing this for a while and they all know each other...I cling to my friends who I have known for years.

You would think as loud as I can be I wouldn't get shy but at these parties I feel that way.

Part of it is that I may just be the only single mom on the team...so I fell sorta out of place.  Lucky for me PrettyPhyllis often comes as my date because her husband is handling their other sons.

And the parties...wow...

Those people can party.

They really are a fun group of people... a lot of fun...and they throw great parties.

It is my goal next week to branch out and try and meet a few more of the parents...if I can find an adorable purple outfit to wear...

This whole experience has given me a chance to learn some things from my son...

He goes into each and every game ready to play his heart out.

He is a little hard on himself (I see him do great and he feels like he just did ok) but he also knows that he is good enough at his job of linebacker to hold his own.

He won't play college ball but that is fine and dandy with me.  He's too small and I don't think my heart could handle it.

Last week he had to go up against an offensive line that was basically made of trees, not boys...

They.were.huge.

They totally outplayed us and sadly our offense was not having a great day so the kept losing the ball and my son was having to run back onto the field almost as soon as he got off the field.  By the end of the last quarter of the game the defense was so worn out they looked dazed.

When my son got home he was tired, hungry beyond belief, beat up and discouraged.

But after getting a good shower, a Whataburger patty melt in him, and a few minutes to rest he was less discouraged and ready to move on to next week's game.

He recovers quickly...at least his spirit does...his body has taken a few more days than usual to get over that game.

We are lucky that he attends a school with an excellent set of trainers that do an amazing job of helping the boys recover after games with icing and treatments.  My son has had electrical stimulation treatments so many times the trainer now has him help him set the other boys up when we have had a hard game and a lot of the boys need post-game treatments.

That helps him...

but there is nothing that really helps a mama recover...

ah but then again their is...

wine

and

vodka

(but not at the same time)

My son goes out there and commits 100% of himself 100% of the time.

He hits and hits and hits boys.

He takes them down and he gets taken down.

It's the same with wrestling.

And when I look at him...tired, sweaty, bruised, scratched and sometimes bloodied after a game...and he smiles as me and tells me he is tired but I can see that he had fun...

well...

that is one game worth winning...

because love of the game is what it is all about...not the scoreboard

(ok yes it is about the scoreboard but you know what I mean...)

I let him play because he loves it.

He gets up and goes to school most mornings at 6:30 to lift weights and then carries one of the toughest academic loads on the team (2 AP classes, 2 Honors classes and the hardest English teacher) and then goes to practice for 2 hours.

He rarely complains.

He doesn't get a lot of glory or his name in the paper.

But he plays the game because he loves it.

And he wrestles because it is the one thing that is all on him and it's just him and the other boy and he loves it.

And so, I will find cute purple clothing, glue my butt to the stadium seat when he is hurt...

but I will still yell out

"That's MY boy" when he takes the opposing QB down...

because that's how this Varsity mama rolls...

you can dress me up but you can't make me behave...

and thank god for the recover potion known as "wine" or the "Varisty Mom painkiller" known as vodka...

With a few prayers, a little luck, a tiny (ok a lot) of wine, and good friends I can play this game too...and win...

Inspiration Song: "Don't Play No Game That I Can't Win" by the Beastie Boys...because it doesn't matter what the scoreboard says, as long as you play with your heart you will always win...

Bye Darlings: Go out there and cheer for the ones you love for whatever they love doing...Friday Night Lights is not only football...it's about love of the game...ANY game...and as long as the game is played safely and fairly and your child or friend is having fun...that is a game worth winning...

Let it Go

Hello Darlings

Wow once again I let my blogging get shoved to the side of my life...

but...

I'm baaaaaaaaaack!

And here you sit reading this and think:

"glad she's back but oh lordy she has used the cheesiest song for her blog title...come on couldn't she come up with something...ANYTHING else?"

And now you have the song as an earworm in your head and you can't stop singing (in your head):

LET IT GO
LET IT GO
CAN'T HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE

(and if you have seen the movie your mind instantly tries to erase it and you end up with "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?" I can pretty much guarantee I won't ever use that song title but then again we may have the freaky once-a-decade snow here and have to use it...)

But try as a may for what I want to say today, Let it Go is the appropriate thing...

because lately I have been learning about letting it go and sometimes it is easy and sometimes...

it sucks...

and sometimes you just have to get over yourself...

I use this blog as therapy and a way to work out my issues so today I need to get over myself and talk to myself about something and you my friends are along for the ride.

In the last few years I have let go of a lot of things...

some were easy:
my fat clothes
my old suburban
my extra skin from being fat
having a middle school girl

some took more effort to let go of:
over 100 lbs of fat
chicken fried steak
some of my mother's things
a lot of the "stuff" that I kept over the years but didn't need

some of my letting go required a lot of thought but were not hard to do:
my marriage

and some were hard to let go of:
my old house
my daughter when she went to college
my son being with me every night
my Siamese cat (who now lives with my ex)
my trainer when he moved away (I still miss you Coach Dimples)

Getting divorced meant a lot of changes for me and my kids...I did my best to keep things "normal" for them and to not disrupt their lives too much at one time. 

I stayed in my house for a few more years so my kids could still have "their home".  I wanted them to feel like they still had their place even if their dad wasn't there.

I've gotten used to being a third wheel at things...the "extra"...KuteKaren and RoyBoy babysit me a lot and have me tag along for dinner (thank you precious friends you are lifesavers) and poor D'nice ends up being my date for things a lot (thank you precious friend for being a lifesaver) as does Twirler Girl (thank you my precious friend for being a lifesaver)...it's just part of being single to be the one at the party who is alone
. 
I've been ok at being a third wheel but I have learned a few things like the fact I don't like going to fancy parties with dancing etc by myself...it's uncomfortable for me when everyone is slow dancing with their loved one and I'm twiddling my thumbs at the table...it leads to trouble...it leads to too much vodka consumption.  (my experience at the Bacchus ball in NOLA taught me that)

So I just roll along and I go to what I am comfortable going to and I take a pass and snuggle up with the cats and watch pay per view on those nights that I am better off at home...I have let go of having to be a social butterfly...

I've let go of the desire to have the body of a Sports Illustrated cover model. 

I don't have the genetics for it.  But I can have a strong and healthy body and that I won't let go of (and don't tell anyone but I did eat a few corn tortillas (not fried) with the tacos I made tonight...shsssshhh...our secret) but I try my best and I have let go of punishing myself for eating some bad stuff...

oh...I am supposed to let go of that...the food stuff punishment....

ok:  I ATE CORN TORTILLAS AND TACOS TONIGHT! 

so there...

that was shouted...

I have let go of the thought that prince charming (who drives a big ass truck and has blue eyes) is waiting around the corner for me...I've been alone for almost 4 years now...but who knows someday it might happen but right now I don't feel proactive enough about it to seek it out...but I did sorta hope by now that some dude would at least think I was fun...sigh...

and today I had to let go of one of the last of my "I can still live like I did when I was married" things in my life...I let go of my private club membership.

That one goes in the "hard" column...because I love the club and my friends and most especially I love JayVee and her spin class.

But it was time to move on and save myself some serious money because those dues were not cheap.  And we never went there as a family.  And all that I ever did there was go to spin class. It's a nice club with a fitness center, dining options (and a bar) and great pools.  Not once did I visit the pool this summer and single women are not exactly welcome at the bar (although single men are) so I didn't socialize there much.

I have been considering retiring my membership for a year and lucky for me JayVee introduced me to Revolution Studio so I would have a place to spin.  KuteKim, Marvelous Mel, Sunshine Sydney, Jen the Amazing, Sweet Charisse, and Queen B Bertha have proven to be incredible instructors and I totally love the vibe of the place and what it offers to me...a place to workout my mind and my soul...I love it...I am drinking the kool-aid and happy to pass it around to others...

So once I knew I would have a place to keep my fitness up I took a deep breath and called the membership director and told her that this single mom of 2 needed a pay raise and my club dues were going to be that raise.

I have so many friends that belong to the club...and I have girls I truly love that I spin with and have fun with in class...so letting go was super hard...

And today, when I took that last spin class there I cried through it...I couldn't look at JayVee...I sobbed through songs...I cried after class...I hugged my friends and felt their love...many of them have been with me through my journey to lose weight and become fit...they watched me do it...they cheered me on from the sidelines...they prayed for me when I had surgery...they kept me going at times I didn't think I could tap back even one more time (that's a spin term!)...

but life is a journey and sometimes we need a new path so today I left one road and will stay on another one that also inspires me and keeps me fit...

it was a great class and they will continue to have fun and get a great workout and so will I...and maybe they will let me come on a guest pass every once in a while...

After class today I talked to a friend who was struggling with how to handle some family issues.  Her child is getting married and her ex-husband is being...well...he's being an ass...there is no other word for it.  And there is a brother-in-law issue...but really what all is involved is not for this blog

but I told her to let it go...let the wedding heal things...let it be the best day for her child...

We all have things to let go of...

I haven't done anything particularly inspiring or special...

I'm just on my journey...

But remember my friend Beauty?  From "The Warrior" blog?

She did some letting go that blew me away and when I start to feel sorry for myself I remember her and all the things she is letting go of so she can fight her cancer. 

This Saturday at Revolution they are having special spin classes in honor of Bright Pink to help women with Breast and Ovarian cancer (www.brightpink.org).  I wanted to do that ride but I have a previous commitment...but I am going to donate in honor of Beauty and in honor of my friend Wonder Woman (who kicked ovarian cancer in the ass).

Beauty has had to let go of so much...but she keeps fighting.  She writes a wonderful blog on her Caring Bridge page and the day I read about her cutting off her own hair...well that my friends is some pretty mighty letting go.  She blew me away with her strength and fearlessness.  And she shared it with us...

She's a gifted writer and an inspiration...I asked her and she gave me permission to post a link to her page....and this is the one about the hair...

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/elizabethkanarellis/journal/view/id/53ed2446a589b449752d8174

read all of her stuff...you will laugh, you will cry, you will be inspired...even if you don't know her...

and yes that is her at the top of the page and her hubba hubba hubby...gorgeous creatures both of them but trust me the real beauty is inside of them...

read her words...let her inspire you to be strong..to let go...the minute I finished my class and went into the locker room to change and was feeling sorry for myself and started to dry my long hair I thought of her...and how she let go of her hair and I was crying because I had to give up a club membership...

I took a breath

and let go...

Inspiration Song: "Let it Go" sung by Idina Menzel from the movie "Frozen"...actually I hated this song until I finally saw the movie and now I GET it...it's a powerful song of acceptance and letting go of the things that hold you back. I am trying to do that...

Bye Darlings: if you have something that is holding you back...or something you need to feel power over (like not letting cancer take your hair but YOU take your hair) then sing this song and LET IT GO...