Sunday, September 10, 2017

I'm Alive

Hello Darlings...

well it's been a few days since I got the bad news that I still have active cancer in my body...

I told myself I was allowed to cry, make strong dirty martinis, throw things, cry, yell, scream, pout, stomp my feet, cry, complain, fuss, wallow in bed, cry and cry about it for the weekend and then it was time to get back into warrior mode and go get this shit gone from my body.

I have cried a bit...ok maybe a lot...but then I am a crier so there's that...

I have allowed myself to go off my diet as far as the drinking goes and had a dirty martini every night...

I have pouted...

I may or may not have stomped my feet a few times...

I wallowed in bed until I realized I had to get my ass up and on a bike so I would feel better...

I did not throw anything although I did toss Zulu off the bed because he wasn't allowing me to properly wallow...

Screaming did not happen but I may or may not have sung every word to the songs from Xanadu quite loudly in my car (yes I love Xanadu and I am #sorrynotsorry about it)

I did my spin and practiced some yoga...

And now it's time to be Wonder Woman again and gear up...because wallowing in bed never cured cancer and tears won't either...

I did some positive things:

I made some soup to freeze for when I don't feel well from chemo

I had lunch with my friend SweetSandra and that made my heart happy

I washed my car (ok that was after an entire 12 pack of Diet Dr Pepper fell out of the back of my car and busted all over my garage floor so in the process the car got a bath...and so did I)

and I did something I rarely do: I got out by myself and went to meet some friends to watch a musical at Miller Outdoor Theater.  Since I have gotten sick I rarely go anywhere at night but to workout.  I occasionally will have dinner with a friend but that's rare.  I've almost become anti-social at night because I hate heading out to do things by myself.  But my sweet friends KrazyKelly and AngelicAngela had tickets to "Xanadu" and as that is my favorite guilty pleasure musical and my friend The Lady Tam was one of the stars I could not miss it.  (and that is why I was singing the soundtrack in my car).  I love Xanadu.  I love the movie and I especially love the musical.  And I loved every second of last night's performance. 

Hi my name is Anice and I love Xanadu and I am not ashamed of it...

If pure joy could kill cancer then I would be cancer free after that show because I was so incredibly happy and full of joy...

As I drove home I made a promise to myself to quit hiding at home and to go out and do more things I enjoy even if it means I go alone to meet others or maybe I just do it all by myself.

I loved last night...I got to see and be with people I love (including KuteKatie and SuperStephanie) and I watched a show I love and the weather was perfect. 

I need to say "yes" to life and not wait to do things...

because tomorrow is not promised to me---or any of us...

but when you are fighting cancer you know you have some crazy shit in your body that is basically trying to kill you...and you have to do some crazy shit to make it go away...

As much as I like to pretend I don't have cancer sometimes it catches up with me and I get tired...but other times I push myself too much because I am bound and determined to live as I want and not as a slave to cancer.

NO ONE ever expects or wants to hear the words "you have cancer".

Sadly many of us will.

When I heard the confirming words "you have uterine cancer" I had had a bit of time to process it and knew it was a strong possibility.  I had a lot of bleeding, I felt crappy, I had some really bad pain and most of all I had 2 CA125 blood tests run with very high levels.

I knew for almost 3 weeks that there was an excellent chance that what was wrong with me was cancer.

It lurked around and danced in the back of my mind for quite some time sort of like that awkward boy who had a crush on you in 6th grade but he can never quite commit to saying "hey! will you go with me?" (and why oh why did we say we were "going with" someone?  Where were we going?  We were too young to go anywhere...but yeah we were "going with" someone...)

Cancer was in me but it took some time for the pathology to catch up with it and reveal itself.

And when it did finally show itself it decided to be an ass about it.

I hate my cancer...

So I have decided to name it...because saying "uterine pappilary serous carcinoma" is a damn mouthful. 

I've decided to give it a man's name because it invited itself in and won't leave and has gotten lost on the way and won't ask for directions (because it is UTERINE cancer and although I have no uterus it is now in my damn neck...not in the area where my uterus once was...so I consider it "lost").

I've had many names suggested including Harvey (because we hate Harvey) and Dick (because it is acting like one).  I won't do Dick because I have a some uncles named Dick and I love them. 

I thought about naming it after my ex because I did successfully get rid of him but my son has the same name and I just can't do that.

So I have settled on El Diablo.

The Devil.

Because it is acting like the damn devil.  I considered Mephistopheles and Beelzebub and Satan but I think El Diablo is just right. 

Besides the doctor who is going to kill El Diablo is named "Angel" so I think it works perfectly...my Angel will kill El Diablo...

So we shall vanquish El Diablo and it's gonna go to hell...

Tomorrow I am going to have yet another scan...this time it is a PET scan.  I've never had one before but I will be sure to share all the fun details of it after.

After that my Dr. Angel is gonna make a plan of attack, I get to have some arts and crafts time with getting the mask made (when it is all over I am gilding and glittering it) and they have to figure out what time is available to be my regular "let's jump on the table and be still and talk to God" time.

and then there is the chemo bit...

I think Dr. Angel and Dr. Rockstar have this under control and I am going to keep eating right, doing my spin and yoga and staying away from sick people.

I'm ready for round 2.

I had a 6 week breather and now it's time to fight again.

Wonder Woman never gives up...she just keeps fighting that bad guys and so I am going to be like Wonder Woman and keep fighting this damn El Diablo until he has gone to hell and is out of me.

When you are told you have cancer it knocks you on your ass.

You sit and question everything about yourself and your life...

did you do something to bring it on? (sometimes)

did your lifestyle make it happen? (sometimes)

is God mad at you? (nope)

You wonder why and what you did that made it happen.  And how did it get in you.  And how did you not know it was happening.

Then you start bargaining.

You bargain with yourself.

You bargain with God.

And then you start praying.

Because all the medicine in the world isn't going to work if you don't humble yourself before God and ask Him to help you (if you are a Christian).

I've asked God for a lot...

I've asked Him to help my doctors.
I've asked Him to give me strength to keep fighting.
I've asked Him to take away pain.
I've asked Him to keep my insurance going.
I've asked Him to calm my loved ones and give them peace.
I've asked Him to help me stay at peace about this.
I've asked Him to take away nausea
I've asked Him to help me finish spin class (I do that a lot...Jesus and I are tight on that)

I have NOT asked Him to cure me.

Because I believe if it is His will I will be cured.  And if it isn't I won't be.

I've struggled with asking Him to cure me...but I think he is using my doctors to do that.  And I am pretty sure I am going to be cured.

I've got a life to live ahead of me.

52 is not old.

I have years ahead to live and love.

I believe I will find love when this is all over...when I am done with this fight there will be someone who becomes a part of my life to love me.

And I am going to watch my children grow...and my grandchildren grow...

And I'm going to be a very annoying old lady who does spin and yoga.

I have no choice but to fight because I have plans...

I'm going to see Hawaii and Paris again. 
I'm going to zipline in Costa Rica. 
I'm going to go to Australia. 
I'm going to eat TexMex at my cousin MarvelousMike's restaurant.
I'm going to win at blackjack in Vegas.
I'm going to see a Geisha in Japan.
I'm going to eat at Kings Inn many more times.
I'm going to wear a Vera Wang dress.
I'm going to get nominated for more Tommy Tune awards.
I'm going to work with my students.
I'm going to drink a lot of dirty martinis at fun places.
I'm going to eat at awesome restaurants in NYC.
I'm going to meet Todrick Hall and hug him (yes that is on my bucket list)
I'm going to go to LA and see people I love there
I'm going to Washington DC to see people I love there
I'm going to spend many afternoons with my aunts floating in the pool
I'm going to watch the last season of Game of Thrones
I'm going to kiss a man I love
I'm going to cook a lot of steaks
I'm going to see the Dixie Chicks in concert (yes, they need to tour for me)
I'm going to spend a Sunday in bed watching Netflix with someone I love
I'm going to kiss my children so many many many times
I'm going to laugh with friends
I'm going to do a lot of spin and yoga

I have a lot of things I plan to do and cancer is not going to stop me.

So let's all warrior up for round 2.

I have so much to live for and I'll be damned if El Diablo is going to beat my Dr. Angel...

When we are facing the toughest times in our lives we can either rise or fall.

I chose to rise.

I chose to rise and stand tall.

I feel like I am in yoga...and I am in a forward fold...and I halfway lift to take in air...and then I place my hands on the mat and exhale and then I rise with my breath...and I stretch my hands up over my head to release it all...and then I bring them down in prayer as I go once more to my mat...

I rise and stretch and release...

I will not fall or fail...

I will rise...

because I am alive and I will live...

Inspiration Song: "I'm Alive" by Electric Light Orchestra from the Xanadu soundtrack...because I love ELO and I love Xanadu (yeah I think you get that now)...and like the muses who come to life from the chalk drawing on the wall I am going to come to life once my doctors breathe life and medicine in me again...

Lyrics:

I'm alive - and the world shines for me today
I'm alive - suddenly I am here today
Seems like forever (and a day), thought I could never (feel this way)
Is this really me? I'm alive, I'm alive
I'm alive - and the dawn breaks across the sky
I'm alive - and the sun rises up so high
Lost in another world (far away), never another word (till today)
But what can I say? I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive
(Instrumental break)
Suddenly came the dawn (from the night), suddenly I was born (into light)
How can it be real? I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive
I'm alive - and the world shines for me today
I'm alive - suddenly I am here today
Seems like forever (and a day), thought I could never (feel this way)
Is this really me? I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive
(Instrumental break)
I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive


Bye darlings---I'm alive and the world shines for me today...and I am going to rise above this and Dr. Angel is going to kill El Diablo and give me my life back...thank you all for being on this journey with me...















2 comments:

  1. Much love my friend! You are spot on. God’s got this.

    ReplyDelete