If

Hello Darlings...

For so long I have lived in the world of "If"...

"If" has become an excuse of sorts for me...

as in:

"if I divorce my husband I'll be free to find someone better suited to me and I might meet some guys that miss the mark but I will find the right guy in the process"

except that once I divorced him other than a brief relationship I've not met anyone else or gone on any dates...

and so "if" became:

"If I try online dating I might meet a nice man"

except that every guy that contacted me was thoroughly creepy...or a liar...or wanted to move from Miami to be my soulmate...

so, um...no thank you...

I quit the online dating...I was never comfortable with it...and I do not judge anyone who it has worked for and has meet great people through it...it's just not for me...

I once went to a great series of sermons at a contemporary church and the pastor said:

"you will never meet the right person in the wrong place"

for me the "wrong place" is online or taking my single self to a chicken wings place or bar on game day to meet guys...or to accept random men's friendship requests on social media...(and yes I know some single gals who do this and if' that makes them happy go for it but I am not that girl)

nope, that's not me...

so "if" became:

"ok the right guy will come along so in the meantime if I  have a tummy tuck and boob job I will look perfect when he appears"...

I did it...and I looked perfect and natural...

but no man came...

and weight crept on...

so "if" became;

"if I lose some weight I will be more attractive and maybe I'll catch the eye of someone special"...

except the weight kept creeping on, no man appeared, and time passed...

that "if" has been with me for 4 years...

and after a while "if" became:

"If I can just get my son into college I will finally have time to truly pursue a relationship"...

so I spent as much time as possible with him because I knew it was time I would never get to have again and I don't regret that at all...

and then he graduated...

and went to college...

and "If" became:

"if I can only lose this damn weight that won't budge I can finally look great and feel confident when I meet someone"...

but something more sinister was at work...El Diablo had claimed my body and I was a cancer patient less than 3 months after setting up his dorm room....

and then "if" became:

"if I can just survive this I will live"...

and THAT was the hardest "if" of all and the one with the greatest reward...

and after treatment "if" became:

"if I can lose this chemo weight and feel healthy again I can start to live my life again..."

and I DID lose the chemo weight and then some (45 lbs and counting although today, despite a 90 minute spin class, I managed to shovel in a hamburger, some waffle fries, a cookie, and a small bag of chips into my body after the spin class---we might be back to 40 lbs lost tomorrow morning).

and so the weight is coming off and I feel healthy....and I am enjoying life again...

and so "if" became:

"if I can just know I am cured I can think about my future...and maybe NOW I can finally find a wonderful someone to spend time with"...

but I am not cured and El Diablo is still doing his damn best to try and kill me...

but I have Dr. Angel and Dr. Rockstar in my corner so El Diablo doesn't stand a chance...

and so "if" has become"

"if I can get through these next 6 weeks I will live...and have a future...and the rest will take care of itself but in the meantime I will not let El Diablo stop me"

if El Diablo even tries to take my yoga and spin away from me again I will be furious...

It is totally going to be "Hasta La Vista El Diablo" starting on Monday.

I am so damn tired of "if" and it's mark on my life that I have decided to just cut it out.

Today I got on a spin bike and with 3 of the most amazing spin instructors in the world (yes, I said the world) leading us I did a 90 minute spin class.

I might have been the oldest person in the room...and if I wasn't I was in the top 3 and the only one with cancer.

Because I didn't let "if" stop me...because I could have said "if I didn't have cancer I could do this".

Well "f" cancer...I did it...

it wasn't pretty and I pretty much stayed in the saddle but my feet kept peddling and I went for it...

and almost 1050 calories burned later I am glad I did...

and so "if" became:

"if I eat this hamburger and waffle fries it won't count because I totally killed it in spin"...

and tomorrow when I step on the scale "if" will be:

"if I didn't eat all the junk and drink that dirty martini I would not have gained weight"...

(#sorrynotsorry I'm just gonna let that one go and forgive myself for it)

"if" has ruled me..."if" has kept me from doing things..."if" has made me lie to myself...

Because in the world of TRUE romance and real deal relationships my age, my body, my cancer, and my health are not truly factors in whether or not I meet a great guy...

or have fun at a celebration...
or go to a play....
or have a night out with friends...
or try a new yoga pose or class...
or do a super long spin class...
or say yes to the invitation to do something fun
or travel someplace fun
or go to the museum or movies alone

"if only" needs to be out of my vocabulary...

I can't wait for "Mr. Right" to move forward with my life because he might not ever appear...

He might not be out there for me...

and planning my life around "if" or "maybe" isn't going to work for me anymore because I have been shown that tomorrow is not promised...and I may or may not have a long time to live (and by that I don't mean cancer killing me but Houston traffic just might).

We all let "if" run our lives at times...

"if only I made more money"
"if only I had a nicer car"
"if only I had a better job"
"if only I had taken that offer"
"if only I had gone on that trip"
"if only I had answered that call"

we ALL do it...

If I wait around for all the "ifs" in my life I might not have a life...

and "if" is literally in the middle of the word "LIFE": L-IF-E

and if we keep "if" in the middle of our life we let it control us.

I don't want to be controlled by "if"

I want to live a life that is about loving and living

I can't wait for Mr. Wonderful to make my life better....I need to make my life better...

What "ifs" are in your life?

What can you do to make "if" happen?

What can you do to remove the barriers to your happiness and let life happen?

Today my #girlcrush KuteKim was encouraging us on the bike.  She said something that I heard her say in yoga the other day and it really resonates with me...I hope I get it right but basically she said:

"if you leap---the net will appear"

So if I can just let myself go whatever safety net I need will be there...I just need to have faith in it...

My general practitioner Dr. Beauty keeps telling me to open my heart up to the possibility that the man who might be perfect for me is right in front of me and might be very different from what I THINK I want.

She should know.

After she lost her husband to cancer her mother kept trying to set her up with her (her mom's) neighbor.  Dr. Beauty resisted but knew her mother would never let up so she introduced herself to the neighbor guy and agreed to a date.

On that first date she knew she would marry him...

and bless her heart she also knew that for the rest of her life she would have to put up with her mom having the satisfaction of knowing what was best for her.

that would be a hard pill to swallow but for the right man I think it might be worth having to hear your mom forever say "I told you so"...

So if I only look at blue eyed men who drive big ass trucks I might miss out on a great brown eyed guy who drives a sedan...

I might miss out on a fun night with friends if I am too afraid to be the one single girl at the party...

I might miss out on a great night with my #rideordie crew if I don't want to drive myself (take an Uber Anice...)

I might miss out on so much IF I let IF control me...

and you might miss out on something great IF you let IF control you.

I'm gonna stop letting IF be an excuse and start living

Life may have "if" in it but LIVING and LOVING do not...

Inspiration Song: "If" by Janet Jackson.  Oh such a naughty song...but I love it but no I will not put the lyrics here but you can look them up if you want...

Bye Darlings---if you can stop letting "if" rule you then you can be free...there is no "if" in free...