Monday, March 20, 2017

My Heart Will Go On

Hello Darlings....

Saturday I had to put my sweet Seringa to sleep...

She was my little kitty...

she was a 14 year old Bengal cat and I have had her and her brother since they were able to leave their mama...

She was always a bit on the small side and had very slightly crossed eyes...

we always knew she was special...

I am so filled with pain I am not even sure I can write this blog but I have to do something to make myself feel better if I can...

I held her head in my hands as she crossed over the rainbow bridge...she was looking at me and then I saw the life leave her eyes and she was gone...

She was sick and in pain...she had cancer...

and I was so wrapped up in myself I didn't even know she was as sick as she was...

I noticed she had lost weight

But it was the tumor in her belly that I never knew was there that ultimately meant I had to let her go.

She was never a lap cat...she preferred to sit beside me in the bed but never on my lap on the couch...

She hated to be picked up and carried...she would rebel and cry if you did...

So it wasn't until she was so very sick that I felt the lump in her belly and knew something was terribly wrong...

Now that I look back on the last few months I see that her weight loss was not just due to the fact that I had to put all the cats on diet food because the boys were getting too fat...she was sick and I was missing it...

she never fussed or complained...

she was frail but strong at the end...

Up until a couple of days before she died she was as she always was...sleeping on my bed, up for meals and her box, hiding in my closet for some alone time, and wanting to drink the water up from the floor after my shower...

each night we would go to bed and she would spend 10-20 minutes "kneading" (we called it "making bread") on my side to soothe herself and then she would settle in next to me or between my legs to sleep.

Each night I slept with her near me for at least part of the night...

and now...

she is gone...

I know I did the right thing for her...heroic measures are never for the animals we love...we do it so we don't have to lose them...

but her fight was gone...she just wanted some peace and to sleep...

so I told the sweet vet that I agreed that in this instance the loving thing to do was to let her go...

and I haven't stopped crying since...

I look at her photos on my phone and I miss her...

seeing her food bowl is more than I can bear...

I had to cover up her little spot in my closet so it wouldn't look empty...

my bed looks wrong without her in it

and her brother keeps crying for her and looking for her...

It's more than I can bear...

This past year I have been challenged so much...

I've got two kids in college with little help from their dad to pay for things...

I have cancer...

I have felt crappy for a year...

I'm alone with no partner and there is no way right now I would attract one that would want the likes of me...

I'm fat and bloated...

my hair is thinning and no longer the pretty long pale blonde I am used to brushing...

I can't exercise the way I am used to...

and now I have lost my cat.

I think I have been pushed and tested enough...

I'm ready to put down the burden and see some happiness...

I.Am.Weary.

I.Am.Tired.

I.Am.Exhausted.

I'm ready to have some lightness and fun...

to be able to lose weight....

to feel healthy...

and most of all to feel truly happy...

I had chemo on Friday and then lost my baby the next day...it's a whole lot for one human to take.

My kids are devastated and I am heartbroken for them and for all of us...

my kids have had enough to face this year and now this...

I'm done people...

I am so tired of trying to put a happy positive spin on this but frankly...

I GOT NOTHING...

NOTHING...

I'm empty and that positivity is gone...

Oh, I won't lay down and die so don't worry about that but this blog is purely about me unloading all the pain I am feeling...

I've worked very hard not to feel overly sorry for myself but dammit it's time I got a damn break...

the cat was more than I could bear...

I want some joy...and I want to be free of all this damn pain...

I know I should feel really lucky right now and most of you reading this are probably wondering why I am complaining when I should be grateful I am being treated for my cancer...

but then again most of you reading this do not have cancer so you don't know how bad it sucks...

I want to pull myself up and shake it all off and say that tomorrow will be better but right now I just don't have that love and happiness and Pollyanna attitude to do it...

I know I will go on each day and each day the pain will diminish but right now I am literally just waiting to see what the next giant boulder that is hurled at me is and why can't I just have a little rock instead of a crushing 80 foot ball of granite...

I need prayers...prayers for strength...

I don't need food...
I don't need company...
I don't need pet videos (please no more kitty videos for a bit)

I need strength...and I don't know where it will come from so I am asking you to find some and send it my way...

right now I just want to sit in my beautiful recliner and cry and cry and cry...

I have friends who have been through so much more than me...a friend who lost her beautiful daughter recently (to a long illness), other friends going through cancer treatments and illnesses, and friends who l have lost their parents lately...and others who have also lost their beloved fur babies lately...and I have one beautiful friend who is just trying to get her home back from being flooded and contractors who have taken advantage of her...

so i know it is not just me and I know I'm not the only person struggling...

but I can't take much more...

and I know my breaking point and I see it ahead of me and I need to find a way to retreat back from it...

so please forgive me if this is the most boring pitiful blog you have read for a while but I just needed to express my anger and hurt and weariness of it all...

Some days I feel like an oak...I am strong with strong roots...nothing can push me over...

some days I feel like a blade of grass...I am blowing in the wind but I am still rooted down...

some days I feel like I am a reed...the water is all around me yet still I remain strong...

some days I feel like a rose...the wind might blow my petals but my thorns keep stuff from hurting me...

some days I feel like a lemon tree...I am strong enough to bear fruit....

Today I am a dandelion puff...scattered with the slightest breeze...no longer whole and together and I came from a weed...

I will go on but my heart will take more time to recover than my body will...

and for my sweet Seringa who is up in heaven with the softest bed to lay on and plenty of catnip toys to enjoy I hope she went to heaven knowing that no kitty was ever more loved than she was...

I feel guilty that I missed she was so sick...but she didn't show it other than losing some weight and I blamed the diet food for that.

I should have known...

I was to selfishly wrapped up in me I failed to see what was happening around me...

and now she is gone...

and I am in such pain...

and the chemo is breaking me down...

and the cancer is being defeated but has a way to go before it's gone...

and I just don't have room for anyone else's---stuff....

so please forgive me if I am not "around" or as supportive as I usually am...

If I can't take on anyone else's troubles...

if I can't give good advice....

but for the better part of a year I have been feeling bad...and for the last 6 months I have been feeling terrible and for the last 2 days I have been broken...

I just need some time to find the source of my strength and build it up again...

I have God and my faith but I need His help to get me strong again...

I feel like I am laying naked on the hard ground and being pelted with hail...

I.Am.So.Tired.

But I will go on...

Inspiration Song: "My Heart Will Go On" from Titanic...because right now I know my heart will go on and I will survive but I don't see where I fit in the lifeboat...

Bye Darlings...saying goodbye is never easy and when it is an innocent animal it's so hard...pray for me and my baby Seringa...I know I will see her in heaven again but right now the me that is here misses her and feels so weak...

6 comments:

  1. So sorry you are having to go through all of this. It is OK to allow yourself to feel bad and tired and in pain. It is OK to grieve. It is OK to rest and not take on any more than you have to. Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. You have my permission.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you...its rough to lose a pet and to have cancer at the same time...but I know she is where she needs to be now and is free of pain...

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  2. Good Lord woman, you have withstood so much and faced it with courage and stamina. Letting yourself melt into grief is not a sign of weakness, it's just a coping mechanism. You will heal. From the cancer. From the stress. From the losses. And this is exactly how you do it. Forget one day at a time, sometimes it comes down to one breath at a time. Just breathe. And then breathe again. And again... Seringa obviously didn't want you to notice how sick she was. If a cat wants you to notice something they have their ways. But she knew you were fighting for your life and she didn't want to interfere with that. Because she knew it was her time to go but it wasn't your time yet. I think animals are very practical like that.

    I lost my Gemma puppy 8 weeks ago and some days I can think of her and smile and some days - like today - her absence is palpable and crushing. But I will heal. WE WILL HEAL.

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    Replies
    1. I thought of you as I left my baby in her permanent sleep...at least I was given the opportunity to say goodbye and love on her. I think you are right about her not wanting me to notice and maybe it was intentional so I could focus on myself and not her and her health. She knows I could have gone too far had we caught it earlier and instead I got more time with her on her own terms...

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  3. I am thinking of you...will be praying, Ronna

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  4. I just need some time to find the source of my strength and build it up again...

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