Friday, January 1, 2016

Nearly Forgot my Broken Heart

Hellooooo Darlings!

It's been forever since I blogged...but it's January 1 and I usually try and take inventory of myself at this time of year...

2015 was pretty good to me...

HERE'S THE GOOD HAPPY JUICY STUFF THAT HAPPENED THIS YEAR TO ME:

My son got accepted to the college of his first (and only) choice...it's my alma mater and I'm so excited for him...he's going to be amazing there and love every minute of it like I did...

My daughter is still super happy at her school and is exploring new forms of making art...I love seeing all the things she comes up with and how she is exploring herself along with her art...she's turned into a very fine young woman and even though there are times she thinks I don't approve or am not supportive---I am...

My student team of costumers and the make-up team won an award for costuming at the local high school musical awards (I've not held on to anything so tightly as I did that block of glass since I had a baby in my arms).  I cried so many joyful tears that night and it was capped with getting to meet my idol Tommy Tune.  And in typical "Me fashion" I didn't even get to see the girls accept the award---I was backstage.  I almost didn't hear the announcement as I was hustling my "baby girl" (she calls me mom) out from the dressing rooms and I just happened to hear a list of names over the loudspeaker.  I told her as I was hustling her along "that's costumes" and she said "let's listen" and I said "oh no we have to get you out there" and then she stopped...to fix her shoe (I still think it was a ploy to make me stop) and then I heard them announce our school name...and I sank to the floor crying and laughing...I finally felt like God was confirming that I knew what I was doing and the fact that GOTT all along has told me I was good enough truly sank in at that moment.  I had so much joy that night and it's one I will never forget...and I love the fact that baby girl was with me at that moment because I love her so much and it was kind of strangely perfect...

I am very happily still living in my adorable Casa Bonita and I know I truly found the perfect place for me...I love this house more than any other I have owned...

My son's football team won the private school championship against all odds...literally! They had 3 starters out (including my son) who were all key players and the QB is actually going to play college baseball and stepped up because we desperately needed a QB...I don't think he had played full time QB since middle school...but the boys played with more heart than the other team and somehow they pulled off the upset of the season.

Marriage Equality was granted in this country.  I'm overjoyed about that.  Read my blog "Too Funky" to hear my thoughts...and if you aren't someone who supports that, try and open up your heart a crack and see if you can't stop hating it.  We had half a year where gay people could get married and fire and brimstone did not hail down upon us and Armageddon didn't happen (and thus we did not need Bruce Willis to save the day) and other than having to see Kim Davis on the news nothing bad happened...she was the bad...

And...

I fell deeply and profoundly in love...

with the practice of yoga (GOTCHA!  no man, just yoga).  It came as a total and complete surprise to me...if you had told me at this time last year that I would not just like yoga but LOVE yoga I would have told you that you were bonkers...there's a whole blog coming about that...

I am still in love with spinning and loved that the studio opened yet another location so I have even more options to sweat it out...Revolution Studio is more than just where I go to sweat...it's where I go to fuel my soul...

I met a great group of friends at the spin studio---we all quickly bonded and formed a little support and fun times group with each other...it's a diverse group of people and I think that's what makes it so much fun when we get together...I love them...

I have the sweetest group of students to work with at school...they are my little magical unicorns and I love them dearly.  I can't believe I get paid to do what I do...

And I got a second job doing something I really love---I get paid to write a cooking column in a local luxury lifestyle magazine!!!!  I love doing that so much....

I'm healthy...not perfect but healthy...

Now for the not-so-great stuff...

THE STUFF THAT SUCKED...

A dear friend lost her sweet 15 year old daughter in an accident in January...my heart still has not healed from that one...she was an amazing angel of a girl and I think she took a little piece of all of our hearts with her when she went to heaven.  I feel like we all have an amazing angel watching over and interceding for us.  I pray every day for her sweet family and I can't even imagine the pain they have been through this year.  We lose loved ones in our lives but this one cut deep...I can't imagine the pain of losing a child and getting up to face it each day (I have another friend who lost her daughter to cancer years ago and I admire her fortitude and even more so after this happened).  I see strength in her mom that makes me literally cry because she is such an incredible woman.  This beautiful child had so much to give this world and the only answer I can find as to why it happened is that God is going to continue to use her very powerfully in heaven and that her earthly work here was done for she touched so many lives and brought joy and love to many.  But I still struggle with it...and I love her family dearly...

My son tore his ACL in football practice.  It was a freak accident...he went one way and the knee went another.  When the Dr. texted me the results of the MRI and said the ACL was torn it was one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life when I informed my son that football and wrestling were over and he needed surgery.  He was in the hands of a highly skilled surgeon and that all went well but the heart healing has been harder.  He is an excellent wrestler and was really looking forward to his senior year season.  And it all got torn away in the blink of an eye.  His coach cried when he introduced him at the football banquet---he also had torn his ACL when in school.  My son's teammates really rallied around him and many told my son that they pushed extra hard in that championship game for him.  It's ben a lesson in grace and strength for him.  I'm proud of him that he still goes to the wrestling meets and cheers on his team...I know it has to be heartbreaking to watch and not be on the mat.  And for me, as his mom, watching my kid hurt from something I can't fix just plain sucks...

I have friends fighting cancer and that sucks too...

And a dear friend lost her mom to Alzheimers and yes that sucks a lot too...

And there were things that just made me bummed or disappointed:

I did not lose the weight I wanted to lose...in fact I probably gained it.  I spin and yoga all the time but I am living proof that at 51 your diet is more in control of your weight than your exercise is.   I like to eat and I like to eat good food...but I need a little less butter and beef and a little more fish and broth...so yeah salmon is going to happen---a lot....

I get insomnia a lot and the hot flashes are starting...WELCOME TO MENOPAUSE!!!!  SO GLAD TO MEET YOU!!!!! ---SAID NO WOMAN EVER!!!!!

Two of my friends who were new to my life this year but quickly became very important ended up moving on Dec. 27. They both had incredible opportunities they couldn't pass up so being single gals they sold their stuff and moved...to Minneapolis...and Singapore!  I'm saving my frequent flyer miles now...and I love them and miss them...

Facebook friends got hoaxed a few times...I'm not bummed they got hoaxed but rather that my newsfeed was filled with copy and paste things about Mark Zuckerberg giving away millions, or that FB was going to use my info improperly, or that I was going to get unfriended if I didn't copy and past some status about a disease...

Downton Abbey is about to end...

I still haven't seen Star Wars...

and then there is the little dream and hope I have every year at this time...the part where I say "next year I will not ring in the new year all by myself but will actually have someone to kiss on new years and not be alone"

well here we are 2016...

no man...

not even one on the horizon...

it seems that blue-eyed men with dimples who drive big-ass trucks and prefer rock to country and like working out and love red wine are in short supply...

I got all hopeful when Blake Shelton divorced that Miranda girl.  I mean how very perfect would that be?  I wouldn't have to change my name or my monogram!  I'm pretty sure he likes steak and I cook a good one.  I'm almost positive he drives a big-ass truck.  As for the country music stuff I guess I could take one for the team since it was his job but only for him.  But then it turns out he already had his next blonde picked out and frankly since I have a #girlcrush on Gwen Stefani myself I couldn't be mad at him...lol

I have loving and well meaning friends who tell me "he's coming but right now you have a son to raise!  That's where you need to spend your energy!!!!  Look for love after he goes to college!"

Dear Well Meaning Friend:
you are married...you have a partner to help you raise your child so you don't know what it would be like to be alone...you have no idea how lonely it can be at times...you don't know what it is like to have spent almost 5 years without love and if you add in the 5 loveless last years of marriage we can call it 10...my son is pretty much grown and I don't have to hire a babysitter for him so going out once in a while would not stunt his growth...
I love you but you have no idea what you are saying when you say that...

Single girls can chime in;...you married and "in love" people---you don't get a voice or vote unless you have been in my shoes and by my shoes I mean alone for 5 years with kids who are old enough to take care of themselves...

I've had other loving friends suggest online dating...

nope

nope

nope

tried it for a hot minute and here's what I found:
1) men my age want women who are 35-50.  If they say 35 they don't want 50
2) the men who want women my age are much older...and most are lying about their age.  I can tell if a guy is 70 and trying to pass off as 60...and if I don't want 60 I really don't want 70...
3) I could tell in a second if the guy was fat or bald or not aging well because the decor in the photo or the cell phone in his hand or the clothes he was wearing screamed "this photo was taken in 2002"
4) some people find it perfectly acceptable to be nasty and abusive if you politely say "thank you but you are not my type"
5) if I put down that I want a man 45-55 for some reason I am labeled a "cougar" but my ex can date a woman 15 years younger than him and it's perfectly acceptable...
6) if you live in Newark, NJ I am not interested in you...or Miami...or LA...I don't want to take a plane to see a man...
7) I had nutcases write to me to tell me that they were already in love with me based on my photos and profile and some super nuts that lived elsewhere and said they would move for me...it was creeeeeepy....

But mostly what bothered me was that I didn't feel comfortable meeting up with a stranger even in a very public place.  It seems unnatural for me and is too far out of my comfort zone.  I don't go hang out alone at sports bars or wine bars trying to catch guys either so it's going to be a little harder for me to find someone...and find someone who wants me...

I don't pass any judgement on any of you or your loved ones that have tried the online thing or are comfortable going places alone to meet people....it's just not ME...I won't judge anyone for finding love in that way...it's just not how I want to do it...

so yes, I am having a very large pity party for myself that I once again rang in the New Year with my son playing video games and the cat next to me on the couch....but at least I had Veuve Clicquot...

I'm tired of being alone...

This blog is often my therapy...so today is therapy...I don't have much wisdom to offer or anything great to say...I just needed to get my feelings out into the universe...

I know I have many blessings...

I know I have a lot to offer to others...

I try my best to put on a happy face and go places by myself when everyone else is coupled up...but it's getting really really old...and so am I...

I'm happy WITH myself...but I'm unhappy BY myself...

I know I have so much abundance in my life but it sure would be nice to have someone to share it with again.  I left my ex so we could both find someone else to be happy with....he has found someone he loves spending time with and who makes him happy...I'm glad for him but frankly I thought by now I would have too...

I try to start each year with a positive outlook...I try to look to the coming year with hope and joy and gratitude for what I have and not worry for what is to come...

But I'm gonna be super honest right now and say that's not how I am feeling...

I'm feeling fat, old, passed-over, undesirable, unwanted, and alone...

judge me if you will for my feelings but unless you are a singleton reading this and are struggling the same way please don't judge me...and if you are happily in a relationship don't think "what does she have to whine about?" unless you have been in my shoes at some point...

I've spent enough New Year's alone...

Next year I pray that I won't write this again...

thanks for bearing with me...I need to write more and next time will be more fun...today I needed pour my heart out...

Inspiration Song: "Nearly Forgot My Broken Heart" by Chris Cornell...lead singer for Soundgarden and Audioslave...raspy awesome voice that makes a lyric just a little more special...love him...and this song...

Bye Darlings...thank you for letting me pour my heart out...I'm going to take down the streamers and pop the balloons that are hanging around for this pity party and find myself back on track...but tonight I needed to blown the horn on this one...




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