Love Me Again

Hello Darlings...

Before you read this know that this is a long rambling therapy session with myself...this blog has taken weeks to write...and more than a few days to decide to share...I share it so others who may feel as I do will know they are not alone...I share it to let you know what is going on in my crazy head because that is what I do...I do not share this as a way for any of you to affirm to me anything about myself...

I want to fall in love

I need to fall in love

But not with some blue-eyed man with dimples who drives a big-ass truck

I need to fall in love with myself...

Because as RuPaul says (and we all know Ru knows how to tell it like it is):

"If you can't love yourself how the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an amen up in here?"

Wise words...

from a fabulous drag queen who I find incredibly inspiring in so many ways...

It's an interesting relationship I have with myself...and I find myself on the slippery slope of becoming more like my mother with my worry about how I look on the outside.

But unlike my mother I love my inside very much...

I know I have a good heart...I love other humans...I give of myself completely...

if I am your friend then you know I love you and I am there for you

I often say that the outside of me is like window dressing in a store front...it's just some fixed up stuff...it's the inside the counts and the inside of "my store" is filled with priceless items and fabulous things that I give freely to all who love me...

But lately I find myself worried about my appearance....

and mostly the weight I have gained over this past year.

Because once you have been at a very scary weight (and I visited that weight more than once in my adulthood) you know you have to fight every day not to go there again.

Every.damn.day.

It is a huge fight and struggle...I have to think about everything I put in my mouth and literally beat myself up for it sometimes...

I looked and felt so darn good after my surgery...I had the flat stomach I had always dreamed of...my thighs (always large) were not bad...my bootie will always be big but it was firm...and I had my Barbie boobs...

But then...ever so slowly...the weight started to creep back on...

At first I noticed things were getting a little tight but I thought I could get it off quickly again...

but then I got busy doing things and eating right and working out got thrown to the backseat...and a little more crept on...

and that pattern continued for a year

and then one day I finally saw myself in the mirror as I really was...I had put on more than a few pounds and working out only twice a week was not doing me any good.  All of my cute new clothes didn't fit or looked terrible and lumpy on me...

It's almost as if for a year I had a magic mirror that blurred the lines so that I didn't see what was really there...but then one day the fog cleared and I saw myself

and

I

cried

no let's make that "I bawled my eyes out"...

Oh I am nowhere near where I was when I was at my heaviest...but I certainly had gained a couple of dress sizes

and what was tight and firm now jiggled like Jello

And I came to the sorry realization that I had let myself go and was no longer putting my health and well-being first...

So I decided to do something about it...

JayVee was instrumental in getting me to get back on track...she suggested I give a new indoor cycling studio a try...she knew I needed more than just her class two days a week and although she never ever once said a negative thing to me about my weight gain I know she saw it and loved me too much to tell me outright...so she guided me...which is what a very very good friend will do...

I had been once before with her to the location near her house but it wasn't all that convenient to my old house...but then they opened a new location so very close to me I couldn't use distance as an excuse...and now that I am in my new house their original location is also close...

So I took myself down there and found...

a revolution

Revolution Studio to be exact...

Now the purpose of this post is NOT to promote one business in particular (although I will fully admit that I am a complete fan of this studio and what they do and I urge you to give them a look if you are looking for a great place to spin!  I will go with you!) but I mention this studio in particular because I'm getting something there I need and it's not just sweat.

Because when we are in class...and we are working so very hard to "tap back"  and keep the beat (and for me in particular this is a challenge when it is fast hip-hop music because I very much have "white girl's rhythm") the instructors feed our souls as well...

It's hard to describe but it truly is more than just a ride on an indoor bike...there is so much love and life-affirming that goes on there that when you get off the bike you find that you are sweaty but somehow feeling so energized and happy that you are truly at your happy place.

There are days that I feel so damn old and fat...and tired...and just like "why the hell do I bother" and then I get in class and Jen the Awesome or KuteKim or MarvelousMel or QueenB or Sweet Charisse or SunshineSydney will say "this is your house of opportunity" and I realize it truly is...

Those 45 minutes are my opportunity to change my body...to be strong...to open my heart to possibilities...to be better...

And that the only person I have to compete with is the person I was yesterday...

It doesn't just make my bootie better...it makes my SOUL better to ride and let it all go...and to hear someone tell me that I AM good enough...strong enough...fast enough...

For a confident person I have a ton of self doubt...

I worry every second about my costuming until I see it on stage and then I know I knocked it out of the park and I did a damn good job...and GOTT will constantly tell me it all looks great but there is this part of me that says "maybe it's not right"...but I am conquering that a lot better this year...

But the biggest part of me with self doubt is about my body...and there I am an epic fail...

Because it has always always always been a struggle....

And it always will be...

I like food...

no let's rephrase that to "I LOVE FOOD"...

and I'm a good cook...and my style of cooking is usually down-home full of butter badness...Paula Deen and the Pioneer Woman are pretty much my cooking spirit animals...but I have learned over the years how to cook very healthy food and be very happy with it...

but let's face it...I never met a french fry I didn't like...

well, to be honest, I only REALLY like french fries from Houston's or King's Inn but trust me I still will eat an albino fry from Whataburger just like it was a nice crispy golden one from McDonald's back in the day...

the fact that I can perfectly describe a really good fry should pretty much tell you how much I like french fries...and how connected I am to food...

I worked so hard...so very very hard...to get those 140 lbs off that I lost a few years ago...I had such drive to get it done...to go from a size 24 to an 8...to go to the Oprah show...to release the girl that was inside me from her fat prison...

And to have let it go and gotten all "fluffy" (ok let's call it what it is---fat...) again is such a disappointment to myself because it makes me question why I let it happen...

because there really was NOT a magic mirror that blurred the lines...i just was blind to myself...

and I have all kinds of excuses as to why...stress...lack of time...hurt knees...moving...blah blah blah

but the heart of the issue was that I stopped loving myself enough to take care of myself as I should...

and then I have the other issue of hating myself for not being a perfect Barbie bodied girl...

it's a love/hate thing...

wow...

I could make a therapist really happy with that realization...

but it really struck me a few weeks ago when I was in spin class and KuteKim and MarvelousMel were teaching...and at the end of the class I cried... and I cried again when I hugged them after because I truly took in what they were saying to me about loving myself and loving that person I see in the mirror...and moving myself forward...and a few days later at Marvelous Mel's Hip-Hop bike party class I found myself in tears through the last two songs as I felt something in me release...and a sense of pride of my ability to DO THIS...

it was very emotional

and hot...it was very very hot...and sweaty...

but it was a hot sweaty epiphany and when I got home and I peeled my wet clothes off of my body and I looked in the mirror and was ready to just HATE my big thighs full of cellulite dimples and my wide middle and extra padding on my hips and let's not even talk about my ass...

I looked in the mirror

and even though I didn't LOVE the body I saw...

I knew that my body was strong enough to kick ass in a spin class even though I am just a few months from 50...

that my body MADE and gestated the two most amazing humans I have ever known (my kids)...

that my body has been through years of yo-yo dieting...and that I will never ever ever look like Heidi Klum or Giselle Bundchen and that's ok because there is only one Heidi and one Giselle and I don't have the genes to be them...

but it is MY body...

and I can change it with what I put into it and the work I put out from it...

It will never be a perfect Barbie body...

I will never be called "thin"

I will never have a "hot body"

but I can have a healthy one...

and now I have to work on THAT being my ideal...not a perfect body but one that is strong and healthy and able to wear the clothes I want to wear...

I am a happy person...I am happy with my life...

but I am not happy with my body right now and I just have had to do a check on myself to see WHY it is so important to me to look "beautiful"...

is it because I am single? (well...yes...I know it is easier to meet someone when you are nice looking and men who are my age are looking for a hot 35 year old not a 50 year old...)

is it because my mother had such value in her own beauty that she spent so much money trying to perfect it? (probably has a lot to do with it)

or is it because somehow I equate looking good with being good?

I can say "NO"to that one...

make that scream "NO" to that one because I never judge anyone by their looks...(although I am shallow enough to admit that if I don't find a man attractive to my sense of what I find attractive I don't want to date him no matter how nice he is because I have to have a physical attraction to someone to be more than friends...and yes that is so shallow that you can throw rocks at me for it)

I am just disappointed that I let myself go and didn't keep up my hard work...

So now when I look in the mirror I still see the flaws and all the extra flesh and I am still disappointed that I am heavy and wish I was that cute little size 8 I was when I got out of surgery...

but I don't HATE myself for it...

and I am working on it...and trying to make sure that this time I keep it off...

because I am happier with my body when it is fit and thinner...

I know my inside is beautiful...I love my friends and family and I give 100% of myself to others and I would give you the shirt of my back if you are someone who needs it...I know I am a good mom and that is what I think is the MOST important thing about me---that I am mom to two wonderful kids...

but I need to quit worrying that the outside of me is beautiful and just focus on the healthy part...

and as I close out this blog that is one rambling therapy session I have to stress this last part...

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT THINK FOR ONE SECOND I WROTE THIS BLOG SO THAT PEOPLE WILL TELL ME I AM BEAUTIFUL...

Please...don't...

and don't say it to me...

that is not how I work or feel...I wrote this blog as a therapy session for myself and to reassure some of you out there who feel the same way that you are not alone...

I am learning to love myself again...to quit worrying what the size label in a dress says and love how I feel...

to forgive myself for having dimpled thighs and just cover them up with a skirt...

to know that all my hard work in spin class and eating right will pay off and I will get back into my cute clothes and be able to wear jeans and darling tops like all the other football moms (see the blog "Don't Play No Game that I Can't Win" for why) and to put on my pretty dresses and feel confident and sexy when I go to dinner with friends...

it will come back...

but first...

I have to love myself...

and then the rest will fall into place

Can I get an AMEN up in here?

Inspiration Song: "Love Me Again" by John Newman.  JayVee introduced me to it and plays it during spin class for me...it's a great song to spin to and the sweeping orchestral arrangement is just awesome...

Bye Darlings...I am learning to love me again...and if you have fallen out of love with yourself I urge you to remember the good things about yourself and fall in love again...because how are you going to love somebody else if you don't love yourself?

AMEN...