Mama Who Bore Me

Helloooo Darlings....

And Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's out there...

today is always a bittersweet day for me...I always feel so lucky because I AM a mom and God blessed me with two amazing and talented and wonderful children...but for the past 9 years I have been without my sweet mom and that makes today just a bit sad for me.  I miss her terribly...I miss her every day...and I have this 3 month run where once I month I have to confront the fact she is gone:

She died in April so that is always a crappy day...

And then Mother's Day rolls around a month later and punches me in the gut again...

And then in June her birthday comes along and I no longer have her here to celebrate.

I have many friends who have lost their precious mommies so I am not alone in this struggle of joy and pain...and to all of you who have a special angel in heaven you call "Mom" please know I love you and I send you a hug...

I slept in this morning and then The Cutest Boy in the World brought me breakfast in bed...he got up and made me coffee and biscuits and we opted to eat on the couch in my room rather than in bed because Bad Dragon was a little TOO interested in those biscuits so I had to thwart him a bit...

I've been lazy all day and I am just fine with that...I have things I could do but instead I opted to spend 3 hours watching a documentary on the Eagles (the band, as if I have to tell you people...GREATEST AMERICAN ROCK BAND EVER..that's my opinion and if you want to argue it, well I don't want to hear it...).

Ke$ha Barbie called and wished me happy mother's day.  I really should re-name her but I might confuse some of you so it's gonna stick...sorry beautiful child...she's still up in Boston and I miss her so much...but I am so proud of her and her hard work at school...

I wear the title of "Mom" as my proudest accomplishment.  It is the one thing I truly have loved doing...I loved every minute of raising my babies and I am ever so grateful that I did not mess them up or ruin them...

Now as for my fur babies...well, Dragon is still learning manners so I am sort of a failure when it comes to being a cat mama...

I've received so many sweet texts and messages today...but the ones that touch me the most are those from kids I have taught.  I have literally teared up reading their sweet texts to me...because to have a child who is not your own tell you they love you...well, you just can't beat that...So far I have heard from Sweet Caroline, Alexandra the Great, KuteKass, and MyMary...and frankly I would happily call each of them "daughter"...I love those girls so very much because they have opened their hearts to me and they have given me the gift of their love and friendship.  Precious Precious Precious girls...

And I have sweet girls like SuperSarah who treats me like another mom or a very special aunt...inviting me to graduation and to come to the "before prom" photo time...and her birthday...I will miss her when she goes off to college next year...

because sometimes it's not the mama who bore you...but the mama of your heart that you love as well...

I have some "mamas of the heart" too...My friends SuperShari and JoJo are my mamas all the time...they fuss over me, check on me all the time, worry when I have hurt myself (the latest was a nasty burn from bacon grease when God was trying to tell me I no longer need to cook with bacon), and act as a mom when I need a shoulder to cry on.

My aunt Jane is also like a mom to me...more big sister but there are times she stands in as a mom or grandparent for me or my kids.

I was lucky enough to hear from my sister-in-law today....my WonderfulWendy.  She is no longer married to my brother (in fact she has found a wonderful man and they got married!) but she will ALWAYS be my sister...marriages don't matter when you have a sister for life.

All of this got me thinking about what it means to be a mom...because it's not just about giving birth.  I have two adopted sisters who are my SISTERS.  Period.  I only use the "term" adopted when I explain how they started off in my life.  Adopted or not they are as much my sisters as my "blood" sisters are, and I actually am closer to them than the other sisters.  My mother never thought of them differently and neither do I.  They are my sisters.  End of story...

A few years ago my sister SuSu and her family came to visit.  Her daughter June Bug wanted to sleep with me every night.  She would fall asleep and I would stare at her because she not only was so beautiful but she looked just like my sister and it would take my breath away to look at this precious little creature and be so happy that I got to have that experience with her loving me like that...loving me that she wanted to be next to me.  That's how I feel about my Aunt Jane...

So it's not blood...it's not birth...it's about love...

I have friends who don't have human babies but are moms to fur babies...again, that is all about love...

I have a friend I have loved almost all my life who is gay and is father to two twin boys...I love that he gets to be a parent because he is an amazing dad along with his partner...it's not about being a "mom" it's about being a parent...but mostly it about love...

I have friends who have raised their grandchildren because circumstances prevented their child from raising their own child...again, it's about love...

I have kids from school who call me mama...I don't pay for their tuition, or raise them under my roof, but it means the world to me for them to call me "mama" and I will take it..again, it's about love...

So I want to end this post with something I wrote 9 years ago...it's my mom's eulogy. I'm not going to share the whole thing but the part about the lessons I learned from her.  I was going to share it on the anniversary of her passing but I just couldn't bring myself to bring it up...I was missing her too much but was making it through the day without tears so I decided not to.

But today, I feel strong.  And I want to share the wonderful lessons I learned from my mother and her life.  She was a gorgeous woman who inspired me to do many things. I would not be the woman I am today without her...

So in honor of the amazing Debbie Shelton I share this...and I hope today you will do one of these things for yourself.  When I gave the eulogy I made a top ten things I learned from her so here it is...and I have left the last part of the eulogy in because it gives me comfort:

Number 10---Cook with butter! My mother was a fabulous cook…she learned from her father who was also a great cook. She rarely produced a dish that wasn’t incredible tasting. She ate a healthy diet and enjoyed good food, but when she cooked, she cooked with butter. Most of our holiday meals centered on her delicious food and she didn’t skimp on the good stuff. So when you do anything in life, and not just when you cook…don’t skimp on the good stuff…make everything you do full fat, whole hog, and ignore the calories.

Number 9--- travel first class and see this world. It’s not always feasible to fly first class, but why not give up some of those frequent flyer points and get to your destination in a little more comfort? My mother always tried to do that…and she was always more comfortable for doing so. She loved to travel. She loved to go and see my brother Beto and his family in Africa----it’s a magnificent country and she loved to be there. She loved New York City---we traveled twice there with Camiel but she made many trips there and she never tired of the city. She took ordinary vacations to ordinary places but she also loved to travel to exotic and fun places like Hawaii, Bermuda, Egypt, and Europe. Even when she visited my sister Katie and her family in Fort Worth she turned it into a vacation. She loved to go places---whether she was traveling with her children or with friends. We took so many fabulous trips together and I know that I will miss having her as my favorite traveling companion. So get out there and see this world…and send my mother a postcard in a prayer.

Number 8---Sleep on a lot of soft pillows. My mother’s bed was a soft, safe haven for my children and my sibling’s children…all the grandchildren have slept in Nona’s great big bed, surrounded by all of her soft pillows. Sometimes our entire family would pile into her bed. My mother had guest rooms but my sister Susan would always sleep in her bed when she came to visit because Mom’s bed was the best. Everyone who was at her house at some point would find themself lounging about on my mother’s bed. My mother made bed-making into an art form. Her pillows were soft and plentiful and her sheets were luxurious. But translating that to real life, what she did was to create comfort around herself. We can all honor her by splurging on the creature comforts in our home and create that safe, soft haven that welcomes us. 

Number 7---take more pictures. My mother took more photos than anyone I knew---she also managed to display them all. If you were at the funeral home yesterday you saw just a smidgen of the photos she had. And if you were there yesterday I sincerely hope you saw the marvelous video that my Aunt Gayle put together with some of Mom’s photos. She loved photos of friends and family and usually had her photos to the developer within hours of taking them. Take photos and share them with everyone. There is no greater artwork in this world than the human face.

Number 6---Keep a clean house. I have failed miserably at this…she was such a tidy house keeper and I am nothing but a mess…never dirty, just messy. Her home was ready for “Better Homes and Gardens” to come and photograph it at any moment. When her father died she took on keeping the house to help my grandmother out when she went back to work. I was told a story about her neat-nick ways that makes me laugh. Back in the early 60’s, when my mother and her siblings were young, my Uncle Phil was home relaxing. Suddenly my Uncle Steve ran through the house yelling “Run for your lives!” and raced out of the house. My Uncle John soon followed suit and jumped out the window. The next thing that Phil saw was my mother making a mad dash through the house and she forced Phil, along with Jane, Gayle and the others, out of the house. When my grandmother came home she found 5 of her 6 children waiting on the front porch, locked out of the house. It seems that my mother had done her cleaning and they weren’t allowed back in---no matter what. Her housekeeping skills continued on to her adult life. She had a maid that had absolutely nothing to do. She threw out her clutter and kept things so organized. Her closet is a work of art. She never had to worry that her house wasn’t tidy enough for anyone to drop on by. Speaking of which, that brings up:

Number 5----Throw more parties! My mother was the hostess with the mostest. Martha Stewart had nothing on her. She gave great parties. She was the social director for whatever community she lived in. When I was young I can remember sitting with my sisters and brother and watching all of my Mom and Dad’s friends come in to the parties they gave. They had fabulous parties…costume parties, hunting parties, dancing parties, teas, casino parties, bridge parties and benefit parties. They entertained heads of state and heads of the school. We loved to watch her get dressed for a party and always were amazed that she could look so beautiful each and every time. Our home was the gathering place for the web of friends that she had in Kingsville. I remember Sunday afternoons spent with our family friends coming by---the kids stayed in the pool until we were long past the prune stage, the dads would stand around and drink beer until it was time to watch Peyton cook the burgers, and the moms would lay in their chairs sunning themselves while wearing curlers in the hair covered by a silly cap or bandana. Why those women lounged in the sun in hair curlers is beyond me, but I can still see that group of people at my house as if it was yesterday. She could even turn a hairdressing adventure into a party. In the early 70’s I remember her friends showing up, armed with home “frost your hair” kits, Lancer’s Rose wine, and cigarettes for those who smoked. The would seat themselves around my mother’s long vanity area and pull each other’s hair through the frosting caps…all the while yakking and drinking wine. As the evening wore on my sister Noel and I became hot commodities because we could pull the hair through the caps for them when they got a little too tipsy to do it right. They would emerge a few hours later, full of wine, full of fun, with head’s full of frosted hair---they all looked a little like Bea Arthur in her “Maude” days…and my mother was their queen. Those were some of the greatest times of my life, and I think my siblings will agree. Most of the best times were never a planned thing…it was just that everyone knew that our family and my mother would welcome everyone and no one had to put much thought to it. Have a party---we are, because she would want us to!

Number 4----Support education. It was so important to my mother that we got an education. I know the day my sister Sarita graduated was one of the proudest days of her life. My graduation from A&M was a triumph for both of us because she never went to college. Her siblings went to various universities and she was proud of their accomplishments. She tried to give us the best education possible. While in Kingsville she sent us to an amazing Episcopal school. When the time came to educate my own children I feel so blessed that I too found an amazing Episcopal school for my children. I use what she did for us as a blueprint for how to raise my own children and I was pleased that I can give such a wonderful educational gift to them. My mother loved going to St. Francis and seeing her grandchildren perform, or attending grandparent day, or even just picking them up in the carpool line. She so believed in the school that she participated in the school’s capital campaign and regularly gave to the Annual Giving program. But her dedication to good education didn’t stop with her grandchildren’s school----she gave scholarships to A&M, helped build on to our school when we were children, and she helped out with various projects at Texas A&I when she lived in Kingsville. So give to the school of your choice and support it well, she would really like that.

Number 3--- Drink more water and exercise more. Was there ever a time that we didn’t see her drinking water? She never ordered anything in a restaurant but water. She was a connoisseur of water and she drank it by the gallon. She always had a bottle of water and kept several pitchers of it in her fridge. It’s good for you and won’t interrupt your sleep…so toast her with your next glass and drink it more often. And get out there and work out! My mother loved to exercise…she was in amazing shape and she worked hard at it. She loved to walk with her friends in the morning and she also loved going to the Houstonian to work out. She enjoyed trying all kinds of classes but usually stuck to her walks with friends when the weather was nice. I know that she managed to get many of you out of the house to walk with her and I only wish she had made me do so more often with her---then I might fit into more of her gorgeous clothes! Take care of your health---she would want you to.

Number 2---Go to church. My mother loved coming to St. Michael’s. She loved this church and she loved the Catholic Church. She often walked to mass from her house so that she could exercise both her body and her spirit. She loved her faith and she clung to it. She loved Jesus, the Virgin Mary, and God. She prayed for all of us…so let us all remember her in our prayers and thank God for her life because He did such good work when he created her.

Number 1---love your family, spoil your children, but ridiculously spoil your grandchildren. My mother was the most beautiful and wonderful mother a person could have. She did the best she could after the divorce and I think we all turned out pretty well. But where she really shined was in the “grandmother department’. Nona, as the grandkids call her, was the best grandmother a child could have. She spoiled them rotten and loved them with the fiercest of loves. She taught them so many things and she could spend hours listing their virtues to anyone who would listen. She was devoted to her mother and she loved her brothers and sisters so very much. She was the oldest child and was their second mother since some of them are much younger than she was. Her family, children, siblings, and mother and grandchildren were the light in her life…and she was such a strong light in ours. We will all be a little dimmer without her to shine on.

In closing I want to finish with a story of how all of this got put into perspective for me. Over the last few days I have been told so many things and been given much sympathy and advice. But the true meaning of how I, and those of us who loved her, are to carry on were best expressed by Connally Dull. Connally is the sweet 3 year old daughter of my good friends Christy and John Dull. I left the Dulls, Connally, and her 2 sisters at my house to go and sign the papers to release my mother’s body to the funeral home. The Dulls said they would stay to answer the phone and the door while George and I were gone. When I stepped back into the house I began to cry once again. Connally looked up at me with her beautiful big eyes and opened her sweet mouth and said “Why you crying? Your mommy in HEAVEN!” I couldn’t have said it better myself…Sometimes it takes a child to put things in perspective. 


So there you go...things I learned from the woman who bore me...and I have learned many lessons from the women who did not give birth to me but love me like their child...and from my friends who are all amazing moms...and from the children who love me...

The bottom line is...it's about love...

And I love you all...

Inspiration Song: "Mama Who Bore Me"...from the musical "Spring Awakening"...an incredible musical...

Bye Darlings...love the mamas in your life...and love those kids...and just love love love...