I Won't Back Down

Hello Darlings...

Well tomorrow makes for sort of a milestone in my cancer treatments---I will officially be on the "good" side of halfway through...I'm on the downside of it...I've got half my treatments behind me.

I have to have 30 radiation therapy treatments this time...

and 6 chemo treatments with Cisplatin infusions...

I've done 15 radiation treatments and 3 chemos...

halfway there...

and I still feel good and I feel strong.

There are times that the nausea gets me and I have a little irritation in my throat (expected) but that's about it.

El Diablo is trying his best to get to me but my Dr. Angel isn't going to let that happen to me.

Every day that I have to pop a nausea pill I get a little angrier...because I hate having to take a pill to make me feel better.

I'm angry at all of it.

I have to spend time each day driving to the Med Center for treatment (except weekends).  The good news is that I love each and every human in that department so even though it's a pain in the neck and disrupts my day I am surrounded there by wonderful people who take incredible care of me and all the patients there.

Sometimes my treatments mess with my workouts.

You all know that is NOT OK WITH ME.

Last week I had to miss my fave combination of spin and yoga because my time was changed (and I needed to watch rehearsal) and so I had to cancel.  But I made up for it by doing some mighty beastly yoga on Friday night.

It's like an internal fight with me each day....will the cancer make me feel bad...will the effects of the treatment make me sick or tired...will the schedule of when I get on the radiation table keep me from other things?

yes...

all of that happens...

but in the big scheme of things we are trying to kill something that wants to kill me so I'm ok with it.

Don't think for one moment that I alone have challenges...

WE ALL HAVE CHALLENGES

Some might not be as big or scary as facing something that is trying to kill you but we all have challenges that take strength to overcome...

Like when you see a cockroach in the kitchen...

and...

it...

flies...

at....

you....

UM...oh helllllll to the no....

that takes guts, and strength, and bravery...

just to go running out of the kitchen.

To go find someone else....

to kill the cockroach...

Sadly I live alone and Dragon doesn't understand the command "kill the roach" so I basically have to find all my bravery to go back into the kitchen and kill the sumbitch before it makes babies in my cabinet.

For me it takes more strength to face up to a damn tree roach than it does for me to climb on the radiation table and put on the LaaLaa mask...

(have I told you I renamed the Hannibal Lector mask?  It's now LaaLaa from the Telletubbies....because it is yellow and  look like LaaLaa in it)

Flying cockroaches take lots and lots of human dignity away because most of us end up screaming and running around like a pit viper is after us and not just a 2 inch long disgusting insect.

So if you have faced up to killing a roach in your home you have what it takes to face radiation.

Trust me....

So the next time you think I'm all brave and stuff...

I'm not...

I
am
terrified
of
cockroaches

Cancer scares me a lot but it doesn't fly at me

If you are faced with a challenge decide if it is harder than facing a roach....

I bet the roach is harder...

it will make whatever you are up against easier...

I call it the "flying roach principal".

Because if a roach flying at you scares the holy crap out of you then there is your benchmark...

voila...

everything else is do-able

During my little journey with cancer I have had to face:
major surgery removing organs and body parts God gave me
infusions of a drug that would take my hair
freezing my scalp so the drug didn't take my hair
infusions of a drug that makes people ill
nausea from said drug
loss of energy
loss of strength
radiating parts of my body that are scary to get nuked
putting all my faith and trust in my doctors
needles
needles
needles
drinking things and having things shot into my veins
scans
scans
scans
having radiation shot into a very personal part of my body
having to be a patient in a "cancer center" where everyone looks so sick
walking through the doors of radiation therapy daily
laying on a table with my booty exposed
laying on a table with a mask locking me down
losing time to my illness

and you know what?

the cockroach still scares me as much as any of that

and so does climbing on a ladder...

I think the reason I can do all of it is because...

I literally have no choice

I MUST DO IT TO LIVE

You can face more than you think you can when you are told you have something that wants to kill you inside of you....

as I said to Dr. Rockstar: "That's not bunnies in there....get it out of me"

So many of you have told me I am brave.

Guess what?

You would be just as brave.

We warrior on because we must.

ALL of us have challenges...(and cockroaches)

And it is in how we handle what we are given that we find our true selves.

Some of my friends have been given the task of overcoming a flooded home.

I would cry my eyes out.

They have handled it like a boss.

Some of my friends are LGBTQ and have had to face the challenges of discrimination and judgment for their lifestyle and loves.

I hate that ANYONE would discriminate against someone for their sexuality but it happens every day....and I have unfriended people because of it.  I have unfriended them not because they are ugly to LGBTQ people but because they are narrow minded assholes.

My friends handle it with dignity and bravery...to become a trans man is not easy and yet I have watched one friend do it with such grace and love that it makes me proud he even sees me as a friend.  I love that man. He is brave.

Some of my friends have had other cancers.

I've watched them lose hair, get sick, fight like hell....

and in watching them I stored up strength for my own fight.

We all have lost loved ones.

That is never easy.

I cry daily for my parents.

I often think how proud they would be of me for not just being the whiny petulant princess that I normally can be.

I found my inner warrior because I know I have two angels in heaven whispering to me to fight on.

We find our strength and faith when we need it most.

Whether it is in fighting for our home, overcoming the loss of a loved one, or fighting to be our true authentic selves.

We fight like warriors even when we aren't trained to do so

Every day I wake up and thank God for the day...and I try to focus a minute or two on how I can show love that day...and then I pray for strength.

I am powerless against a few things:
sad movies
HEB jalapeno bacon
disco music
new lipsticks
bath products
holiday commercials
Whole Foods jalapeno hummus
a lover's kiss (been a while but I remember)
good red wine
children singing
my students on stage
my kids' smiles
kittens and puppies
a good rare filet
a man with a lovely smile
pasta

I can't fight against any of those things...they make me melt...and why would anyone fight against hummus?  or bacon?

I need more strength against bacon than I do to face chemo.

Not kidding.

And when you add in the fun of the devil drug Decadron that I am forced to take with every chemo I need all the strength in the world to not fall victim to it telling me to eat everything in the house.

Conversations with myself go like this:

I am hungry.
No you are not that is the drug talking.
Let's make deviled eggs.
No let's not it's 10 at night.
What can I put on toast?
Anice you don't need to eat you had dinner
Yes but suddenly I need chocolate
There is no chocolate in the house.
I bet I can find a Reese's
Put that Reese's in the trash it is old
Is there any ice cream in the freezer
No and there is no Halo Top either
How about I eat some pita chips and hummus
How about you eat a beet instead
How about that blue box mac and cheese that I hid...now might be a good time
You are hoarding blue box mac and cheese um that is a no
I know where it is hiding and I'm not telling you because I might need it
give the mac away to your son next time he is home and eat the beet
cheese...I have cheese...what can i do with cheese
you can keep the cheese in the drawer Anice
but I can melt it on toast
you need to drink water and go to bed and have toast in the morning

Yup...

that's what happens every Monday night after the Decadron.

I need to find a cockroach to stand guard at the entrances to my kitchen so I won't go in there...

then I would be too terrified to go into the kitchen...

because cockroach...

So you see what I am facing is not so much the cancer as the treatment to kill it.

The poison and the nuking and the effects are more frightening than the cancer is at times.

Don't get me wrong---I totally know my El Diablo (aka Uterine Pappilary Serous Carcinoma) is lurking and trying to bedevil Dr. Angel but Dr Angel is smarter than my cancer...and he knows how to fix Magical Unicorns like me.

I am strong because I have people who help me to be strong.

We all do.

So warrior on my friends....fight what you must...

even if it is a cockroach in your kitchen

Inspiration Song: I Won't Back Down by Tom Petty...because I loved him and because this song makes me feel strong...

Bye Darlings----we all have things we must face so find your warrior self and face them. I am not special.  You can all do this.  But I do think I need a boyfriend to kill the cockroaches in life...