Sunday, October 22, 2017

I Have a Dream

Hello Darlings,

this blog is just a rambling collection of my thoughts before what I hope is my last chemo...there is not much here but random musings on how I am feeling tonight...but I have to get it out and this is therapy...

Well if everything goes according to plan tomorrow I will have what I hope and pray is my last chemo infusion and my 26th radiation treatment.

If it goes according to plan...

and we all know that El Diablo likes to mess up my plans

El Diablo has been disrupting my life for over a year now.

And I am terrible with disruptions to my life and my plans.

But I have learned great patience thanks to my cancer.

I'm normally the sort of girl that if ONE thing goes wrong in my plans it throws it all off.

I was never one who could just easily roll with the punches.

Now I make plans but I allow for a lot of wiggle room.

So last week when my chemo got cancelled due to low platelets I asked the nurse if I could still have the chair to eat my salad and I ate...and then I headed home (after checking with radiation to make sure I was still above their threshold). The day did not go according to plan so I had no choice but to roll with it...and I got a bonus because no chemo meant I could go to Marvelous Mel's spin class.

I can't control my platelets...my body is going to do what my body is going to do.

We can't control everything in our lives...most especially how our body functions.

I didn't plan to have cancer...no one does.

and trust me know one would ever ASK to have cancer and invite it in...

But as I have said before I am GRATEFUL to my cancer for the lessons I have learned from it.

And one of those lessons is in being flexible...

and to not be mad or upset when something doesn't go according to plan.

So hopefully tomorrow WILL go according to plan and I will get the chemo.

Because I need it...

it is boosting the effects of the radiation and El Diablo must be vanquished 100% or else I will be in trouble again.

Dr. Angel is doing all he can to make sure that 7 weeks from now when I have my CT scan that when he searches for my cancer he will find NONE.

No
Evidence of
Disease

I've heard it called "Ned"...

I want Ned to be my new boyfriend...I want to live with Ned the rest of my life...

I mean I'd like a real boyfriend too but I also need Ned in my life...forever

I've tried my very best to handle my cancer as positively as I can.

I've tried my best to live my life like I don't have cancer (other than my million trips to the medical center)

I've tried to treat my body well with healthy food and lots of exercise so that my body can function as if it isn't sick

But I can't control my platelets and so tomorrow is out of my hands....

(But let's go ahead and pray really really hard that they are good so I can get the cisplatin)

I've learned I can't plan out my life...because if I could and did plan my life I would not be sitting here alone in my adorable house (there would be a man I love here with me) and I would not be still struggling with my weight and I most certainly would not have cancer.

My life is going to happen as it will happen...and I hope and pray it is a long life because I will have beaten El Diablo for good.

Sometimes I dream of my future...

I dream I am healthy
I dream I have a love to share my life with
I dream my kids are happy and healthy
I dream I get to travel
I dream that I do a lot of yoga and spin
I dream that my students do amazing shows
I dream that I don't celebrate holidays alone
I dream that I get my port out
I dream my neck is not sore and red from radiation
I dream that I never have to have chemo or radiation again
I dream that pizza and Whataburger are diet foods that make you lose weight

I dream....

I dream because I believe I have a future ahead of me...one full of life and love and friends and family and fun

To me planning is something concrete and a dream is a fantasy---a wish your heart makes (thank you Walt Disney)

But we all need to have those things we dream....the fantasy of what may yet be

So I have my dreams...and I pray they come to be.

Life is not easy for anyone.

Life is a series of struggles strung out among everyday living.

My struggle right now is to defy something that is trying to kill me.

Some days that struggle is just to get into my workout clothes.

Some days that struggle is getting on the radiation table.

Some days that struggle is not putting chocolate mousse in my cart at Whole Foods.

Some days the struggle is to not get sick from chemo.

Some days the struggle is with carbs.

Some days the struggle is to get out of bed because I am so damn tired.

Some days the struggle is to find a pair of pants to fit a boy for the play.

Some days the struggle is to not let my fear get to me.

Some days the struggle is to not let the cockroach that found its way into my kitchen make me lock myself up in my room.

We all struggle.

We all have detours in our path.

I am not special...

I am not any more brave than any of you could be if you were in my shoes.

And we all know I am not brave when it comes to cockroaches.

The fact that I fear radiation less than I do a damn bug must say something pretty silly about me.

So let's add that I dream that all cockroaches are eradicated to my list of things I dream of.

If you have never had cancer it is hard to imagine being in my shoes.

And trust me my shoes don't fit all that nicely so you don't want them...

If my cancer was a pair of shoes then it would be a 5" stilletto covered in crystals with an ankle strap and have red soles...and they would cost hundreds of thousands of dollars

because I am the sort of girl who has a cancer that is costing my insurance company so much money I am terrified I will get dropped and my cancer is pretty hard to walk in just like 5" stilettos.

Right now I just want to wear a pair of Keds and walk in those shoes and take these damn sparkly princess cancer shoes off.

I dream of the day that I wake up cancer free...

And I live each day as if I am...

Because cancer is part of me but I won't let it define me...

I won't let it rob me of my dreams

I won't let it keep me from finding love

I won't let it stop me from working out

I won't let it make me live in fear

I live to live

I live to love

I love to love

I love to live

Tomorrow I will go to the 29th floor of the MHMP and walk through the doors of the cancer center. It is a place that still makes me shudder when I see the words "Memorial Hermann Cancer Center" on the wall outside the elevators.

I will sit among people who are so much sicker than me.  People who's cancer is killing them.

I will have my blood drawn and it will show whether or not I get to have chemo.

And yes I said "get" because it is not a given so I'm going to look at it as a gift.

And if all goes well I will have my port accessed and I will have poison put into my body to kill my cancer.

And if that happens...

I will once again ring the bell...

I will ring it in celebration that one part of my journey is done and that my dream of being cancer free is closer....

and I will go downstairs and have radiation put into my body to kill those cancer cells...

and on Friday I will ring the bell down in radiation....

to mark the end of all my treatments

because my dream is to never need to have the Trilogy machine spin around me again...

IF it all goes according to plan...

and that is the plan...

And then I can plan my future...and dream of it coming true...

Inspiration Song: "I Have a Dream" by ABBA....the words are pretty perfect for me right now...and I believe in angels because I have one (Dr. Angel) and because my dreams are helping me cope with all of this...and I am pushing through the darkness...

Lyrics:

I HAVE A DREAM

I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope with anything
If you see the wonder of a fairy tale
You can take the future even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I'll cross the stream, I have a dream

I have a dream, a fantasy
To help me through reality
And my destination makes it worth the while
Pushing through the darkness still another mile
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I'll cross the stream, I have a dream
I'll cross the stream, I have a dream

I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope with anything
If you see the wonder of a fairy tale
You can take the future even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I'll cross the stream, I have a dream
I'll cross the stream, I have a dream

Bye Darlings---dream your dreams...my dream is health and wellness...and my angel Dr Angel is going to give me my future...

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