Burn It Down

Hello Darlings!

Full Disclosure: I am writing this blog once again under the influnce of the devil drug Decadron.  Anything can happen folks...let's let it fly...

So today on the blog I want to talk about change...starting over...new beginnings...and second chances

Not long ago my beloved yoga teachers KuteKim, CuteCarissa, and BeautifulJess have been helping us to focus intentions toward being accepting of starting over and new beginnings and it has really resonated with me.

One time KuteKim read a passage that she got from her mentor and my yoga goddess SoulSisterSarah. The passage was about how fires will often burn up a forest...even the tallest and strongest of trees.

When I took my family to Yosemite National Park I recall the park ranger saying that fires can be very scary and hard to manage but they can also be a good thing because it lets new growth start and nourishes the soil.  They do controlled burns in the park occasionally just to do this. They use a controlled burn to stop out of control forest fires and, in the case of certain trees like Sequoia, the heat helps the cones open up to disperse the seeds.

It never occurred to me that a fire could be a good thing so that was an eye opener.

And as KuteKim read the passage while we sat in meditation I was reminded of what the park ranger said and how the fire I have been through might just make space for a new beginning.

I've often said that hard times, like my cancer and hard struggles we face as humans, are like fine china and a kiln.

Fine china, before firing, is simply clay and minerals (and in some cases bone ash) but it is soft and unfinished.  It goes through two firings---one to harden the clay (and it turns out the china shrinks some) and then a second firing in the glazing kiln to make it beautiful and shiny.

For me the first kiln was the first round of chemo (the terrible Taxol and carboplatin) along with 25 rounds of radiation to my pelvic area and 3 brachy treatments.  And yes, I lost weight and shrunk a little...

the second firing is this round of chemo (cisplatin) and the 30 rounds or radiation to my neck...this one is making me shiny and beautifully strong...

I had to pass through the fire so that I could emerge as a new me---stronger and healthier and an even better warrior than I was before.

And if you are a Game of Thrones fan like me I feel even more like Danaerys Targarean because she was unburnt by the fire and flames and yet grew stronger and more powerful (and got some pretty badass dragons in the process).  I am the Mother of a Dragon...I am the Unburnt...

I've always thought of fire as only serving the purpose of warming or cooking and that wildfire only sought to destroy but the truth is that fire can, and often does, make things better...that by burning it down we can build it back up.

BeautifulJess often reminds us it is ok to start over---to fall over is ok...to reset is a good thing...to come from a fresh place can make things better...just like the ground after a forest fire can start a new forest that is nourished from the previous one and and can grow fresh...

So often we just keep going and don't "reset" because we are busy...or feel like hitting the reset button is like admitting to a failure.

But it's not...

Sometimes bad things happen or things go awry so that things can actually improve and get better...

Not gonna lie----I was pretty angry when I found out I had cancer.  I didn't throw and break things but I sure wanted to.  Instead I poured myself a very large whiskey (I don't drink whiskey) and called my aunt.

But the first thing I decided (after a good swig of said whiskey) was that I had to own it.  I had to claim the cancer so it wouldn't claim me. I had to call myself a survivor from the start and never let the word "victim" pass my lips.

I also figured out that God didn't let cancer happen to me as a way to punish me.

I have cancer for reasons that are yet to be revealed.

But I have cancer for a purpose...

It might be so that my doctors could learn from my case...

It might be that I become an activist for my cancer...

It might be so I can spread the word about cold capping...

It might be so that through all of this I will meet people who I need in my life

It might be so that others will hear my story and go to the doctor and save their own lives

And it might just be that I went through the fire and fear of maybe dying so that I could start my life over in positive ways...that I can appreciate things I took for granted...that I can look at things differently.

Maybe I had cancer so that I could have a second chance and it was a way for God to refine me and perfect me. 

My journey with this cancer has led to revelations about myself that I never expected.

I never expected to be this strong about it.

I never expected to have accepted it as easily as I have.

I never expected that I could work through it and even get a nomination for the work I did while I was so desperately sick.

I never expected that my bucket list would change but it has...

nor did I expect that my feelings toward having a partner would change like they have---because I now seek an inner beauty in a man I didn't want or need before...and I now know that the man who will win my heart will be an angel of a human who can see past the fire I have been put through.  He also no longer needs to be a blonde blue-eyed man who drives a big ass truck.  A nice guy with kind eyes who drives a car is just fine...he just needs to be able to kill cockroaches.  That hasn't changed.

I never expected that I would calmly handle my treatments and other than a few tears I just pulled up my big girl panties and let them stick the poison in....or jump on the table and let the nuking begin.

I was terrified of chemotherapy.

Not gonna lie---it suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked

it
was
awful

I felt like holy hell all the time and was a bloated tired mess.

But I think I handled it like a boss and got through it with a few days of rest and a lot of love and support from all of you.

That kind of chemo is like having the flu

all
the
time

and just when you get over the flu you get it again.

for 4 months

4
months
of
the
flu

I was terrified of radiation and it turned out to be---easy...

I needn't have feared it because I have the most amazing and awesome (and kindest) radiation oncologist in the world in charge of my care but still I was scared I would get burned and things would happen to my organs.

This was radiation after all and basically it was supposed to burn up those cancer cells.

I never felt a thing (other than my full bladder I was laying on).

And now with this second go round of radiation I still feel nothing---except the mask holding me in place on the table and the straps that I hold that keep my shoulders down and keep me from moving.

That's it....no burning...no pain...I just lay there and let the Trilogy machine do it's work.

The other day when Dr. Angel felt my neck for my lymph glands he struggled to find them...that was the best feeling because he knows what to feel for and just where they are so they must be shrinking...

Apparently he doesn't want ME shrinking anymore because losing too much weight can mess up the radiation so for now I have permission to have my Saturday Southwell's Hamburgers fix...

because
I
can't
really
diet

Of course as soon as I am done with this I am totally going full on diet for the next 3 weeks because then hopefully it will be time to remove Gertie the huge hernia...

yeah...she's gotta go...

she's messing with me looking cute...

So through all of this I have had fire in my veins, burning radiation aimed into my body and a big fire in my belly to get through all of this like a badass warrior babe...

or a magical unicorn princess...

or both...

The other day I told my Aunt Jane that I felt like God had given me a second chance at life and with my body.

And therefore I better not blow it.

I need to spend the rest of my days taking care of this body I have been given a second chance with.

I need to love it more.

I need to fuel it with the best and healthiest things (with occasional lapses into Whataburger or pasta treats).  I realize that I must eat clean to maintain a healthy weight.  All my lovely steaks, hamburgers, pasta dishes etc have to be a once-in-a-while thing and not a once-a-week thing.

I need to continue to exercise and I need to do all kinds of exercise: spin, weights, and both power and flowy slow flow yoga....

I need to get more and better sleep

I need to spend more time with those I love because it is good for my soul.

My body got burned down so that I can grow into the new magical unicorn being I need to be.

And to NOT take care of myself...to let myself get diabetic or have heart disease or something else, is like spitting in God's face...

All of this hit home today as I was sitting in the waiting area of the cancer center. 

Next to me was a fellow cancer patient.

She reeked of cigarette smoke.

Reeked.

I almost couldn't bear to sit near hear and I have never been so happy to go get weighed and get my vitals taken as I was at that moment when I got to get up and move away from her.

I felt sad for her.

Smoking is an addiction.

A very hard addiction to break.

And yet here she is, a cancer patient, and she was still smoking.

Another lady I know from radiation admitted to me that despite having survived pancreatic cancer and now having breast cancer she can't quit smoking.

She told me Dr. Angel fusses at her for it.

I didn't fuss at her...I just hugged her because if hamburgers and pasta were like cigarettes I too would have an terrible addiction.

She's a very nice and kind lady. 

I want the best for her.

So I pray for her and I pray that she finds a way to put the cigarettes away and love herself enough to save her body from the effects of the smoking.  She works in a school cafeteria...her students need her...I am sure she is a bright spot in many lives.  She is in mine....and if you felt so led please pray for her...

I have a friend with anal cancer.

yes...we are gonna use that word.

She's magnificent.

She's my spirit animal and a mentor of sorts.

She's fought cancer more than once.

She's facing a terrible surgery.

Terrible
surgery

and yet she keeps a positive outlook on life.

She makes videos about her cancer and gives make-up tips.

Here she is:

https://youtu.be/tDYmBpjpWMM

She's not throwing away her second chance...she's making the most of it by spreading a message and telling us how to make our eyebrows look great...

watch...you will love her....

I do...

So as I sat there today next to the smoker I felt more empowered than ever to take better care of myself in life...

I've been given this second chance thanks to God burning down my "old" self...

It's been burned down...

and like a phoenix...

rising from the ashes....

or a shiny beautiful plate fresh from the kiln...

I will be a "new" me....better than ever and more ready to embrace life and all it has to offer me.

I have given a year of my life to Uterine Pappilary Serous Carcinoma (aka El Diablo).

Dr. Rockstar and Dr. Angel and all of the people that work with them have done all they can to give me back a life to live and love...

and so I will...

Because the soil is rich and fertile now...

and my roots are strong (and I am grateful to have hair that has roots that need bleaching)

and the trunk (my core) is strong with yoga and spin

and I am feeding and watering the tree that I am with good things

and like a sequoia the fire has opened up the seeds within me so they can spread and share my message (this blog)

and all of you are the birds that nest in me....the animals I give shade to....the plants that grow under and above and with me....

I stand in a garden of love surrounded by all of you

And I will spread my branches of love and thanksgiving and share it with the world...

And one day a man will come along who wants to rest by my tree....and he will take shelter with me...and he will not see the scars and the bumps but only see the beautiful tree that I am...

honed by the fire

grown strong from a second chance

a warrior who ran into the fire and not away from it

And I will be me

better
stronger
grateful

and I will not throw away my second chance....

I
will
own
it

Inspiration Song: Burn it Down by Linkin Park...it's my favorite of all their songs...(hint: Rev instructors I LOVE to spin to this song and it would be amazing to flow to)

Bye Darlings: the Decadron and I dedicate this blog to all of you who have come through the fire for yourselves and those who have come through this fire with me....we won't burn up....we burn down and rebuild...