Here It Goes Again

Hello Darlings...

So it's been a few weeks since I blogged...sort of had a lot happen so pull up a chair, pour a cup of coffee (or wine, or water, or whatever), get comfy and settle in to hear the nonsense...

hmmmmm....

where to start?

in the past week I have had chemo, a hospital stay and my ex got married...so yeah your Magical Unicorn has had a lot of sheeeeet on her plate.

Let's start with chemo....

chemo...glorious chemo...

So let me tell you...Mondays in the MH Cancer Center are basically a circus.

Because Monday...

Because Cancer...

Because Monday...

Ever hear the old saying "Not My Circus. Not My Monkeys"????

Well that's how I felt the first time up there...

but guess what...

it's my damn circus and all the damn monkeys are mine.

And the monkeys are having a rave.

And they are serving trash can punch (chemo).

So there...that's what Monday is like in the MHTMCCC (Memorial Hermann The Medical Center Cancer Center).

But hey I like my circus and the tent has a glorious view of downtown and the lion tamers (the nurses) are the best.

So the ONE request I made..the ONE DIVA MOVE I have done was the following:

PLEASE DO NOT PUT ME IN A BED FOR MY CHEMO. I WANT A CHAIR.

Because unless you get one of the 2 "suites" as I call it with the big window all to yourself and a real hospital bed the other two beds are the hard awful gurneys and and they are only bearable for an hour and there is no window and I get to have the trash can punch for about 5-6 hours.

NO BED

Well when SweetMaria calls me up she says I am going to...

a bed...

oh no...

but lo and behold...

I got the Super Suite...I got the hospital bed with the big window...so my back was not in pain and I got to look outside and see our beautiful city the whole time.

My daughter and Aunt Jane came with me.

We made a party of it and brought unicorn horn headbands and played "Don't Stop Me Now" when the nurse gave me my dose of the newest brand of poison they have decided will kill El Diablo.

I cried...

not gonna lie...

looking at that bag of poison made me break down and cry because here the hell we go again.

Once the tears stopped (thanks to sweet hugs from my daughter) I handled the rest of the chemo like a boss (on a wicked steroid...that's the Everclear in the trash can punch: Decadron).

Chemo done we headed home, cooked dinner and I recovered.

The next day shall be known as the Day of Trying Not to Eat ALL the Carbs...

You know you are under the influence of a bad nasty steroid (ie the Everclear in the Trash Can Punch) when you:

Door Dash from JCI (translation: use a food delivery service to bring you food from a fast food place...in this case it was James Coney Island)

you order fries AND onion rings

you order a patty melt (and not a hot dog at a place known for hot dogs)

you forget to ask beloved daughter if she wants anything

you forcefully remove the fries (after eating 3) and onion rings (after eating 3) and half of the sandwich from yourself so you can't hurt yourself.

Yes...you Door Dash fast food and you don't look back...

(plan for next time: have a friend in place to bring me a healthy lunch the next day so I am not tempted to DD...or make my dear daughter fetch me something I should not eat.)

I survived the rest of the day and no more Door Dashers had to come to me and I didn't hurt myself with fast food.

And then Wednesday happened...

Let's start with the fact that I was launched out of bed by a call from the Ex.

The Ex got married this weekend.

more on that later...

but TCBITW (The Cutest Boy in the World) needed to be in an Uber at that moment and TCBITW was not answering his phone and his Padre was mighty worried. They had a plane to catch.

To Mexico.

More on that later...

So me being the NICEST EX WIFE IN THE WHOLE WORLD WHO PUTS HER KIDS AHEAD OF HERSELF got out of bed and stopped the Uber from leaving and got TCBITW out the door and headed back to bed where sleep eluded me even though daylight was barely dawning...

I had plans with KuteKris for lunch...now lemme tell you about KuteKris:

1)she is STUNNING (as in girl crush stunning)
2) she has the prettiest eyes I have ever seen on a human
3)her heart is bigger than her body
4)she is a badass babe cancer survivor (breast cancer....)

so we had plans and all of a sudden the "yucks" hit me...

KuteKris TOTALLY got it and I went to bed...

and then Aunt Jane and my former camp counselor (and Jane's friend) Terrific Tracy came by and I choked down some food and went to bed....

color Wednesday as :ugly...

Thursday: more of the same

Friday: More of the same...except I was having monster carb cravings again so once again the gods of Door Dash were summoned and dear daughter and I had IHOP.

Yes, we DD'd IHOP...

and I won't feel bad about it a bit.

IHOP blueberry pancakes can fix anything.

KuteKris fetched me ginger ale, my very favorite cookies (iced sugar cookies from Memorial Bakery are my drug of choice), and a beautiful rose plant.

I thought I was done.

Then Saturday happened.

Saturday I had plans with some of my #rideordie beauties to celebrate the upcoming birth of DearDom's little one Penelope (cutest name EVER). We had plans for pedis and lunch.

I made it to the pedi.

Lunch was when things got dicey.

1/2 an avocado toast and I called it a day.

And drove to school.

Now you are sitting there thinking "why the hell did she do that?" but it was auditions and I promised the kids I would show up.

So I showed up, saw that SashaFierce was there (y'all watch out...I'm 99% sure she's hitting Hamilton sometime in the next year...just a feeling I have but I'm betting on my girl.) and we headed up to the sound booth so I could nap.

I visited with her, napped, and heard glorious voices coming from below.

One voice I had not heard before but lordy I know talent when I hear it.

So I went downstairs, listened with pride to my kids as they sang their hearts out and then told GOTT I felt awful and needed to leave. He totally got it. I'm pretty sure I looked like hell.

Came home, got in bed, dear daughter climbed in with me and made me take my temperature and we watched it climb...

99.7
100.4
101.4

time to call Dr. Rockstar

And Dr. Rockstar quickly informed me I was gonna have a vacay in the hospital.but no

Really?

I had so many other plans for vacay...like KuteKaren1's lake house at some point....or maybe a quick trip to Austin....but no I get to go to Memorial Hermann...

Camiel and I packed my bag because there was no way I was gonna spend days in the hospital in the same underwear, in an ugly gown, with no skincare, and not have my pillow.

Fun tip: always pack your pillow

Fun tip: you will be more comfy in your own nightgown or pajamas

So I called up KuteKaren2 and she and her magic chariot got us to MHTMC and I got a fun visit to the ER (just the waiting room).  It was a hoppin good time in there...

Fun fact: Saturdays are not a great day to go to a level one trauma ER...I kept hearing LifeFlight but thankfully did not see anyone...

Because Dr. Rockstar is a rock star she called ahead and they were semi-ready for me so after about half an hour they stuck a beautiful hospital bracelet on me and handed me my walking papers...

literally...

they told me to walk up to my room...

with a 102 degree fever

I asked for a patient escort...

Fun fact: there should be more than one person to wield a wheelchair to get a patient from the ER to a room. We were told I could walk up there or wait. With my fever (and generally feeling crappy).

yes, I want to walk the length of 6 football fields when I feel like hell.

no really....it's a huuuuuuuuuge hospital...

so we inquired about getting a patient escort to take me up.

ONE HOUR

NO THANK YOU

seriously--one hour...

I walked.

I had to stop several times but by damn I walked.

and collapsed on the bed.

I got into my gown, put on the adorable (kidding) yellow socks and got myself under the covers and yay I had a fever of 102.4

good times people...

good times...

I was having lower gut issues that were worsening by the minute.

I had been suffering for a few days but it had abated a bit...but came back with a vengeance.'

Fun fact: I do not like admitting that here but it is part of the reason I was in the hospital.

So first they have to make sure I don't have C-diff.

I'm gonna spare you the details but consult Dr. Google if you like.

If you are really feeling crazy Google one of the ways they fix it (hint: it's a poop transplant).

NO
THANK
YOU

I did not consult Dr. Google until they cleared me that I DID NOT have C-diff. (I learned about the "cure" from cute Dr. Resident 2). Apparently it is horrible to try to cure, especially if you are a cancer patient.

All done with Dr. Google?

grossed out?

yes I was too...

MOVING ON...

So Cute Dr. Resident1 comes in and tells me about the possibility of C-diff and informs me that Dr. Rockstar says I am her favorite patient.

Because I am

Because I am a magical unicorn.

now I have proof that I am the favorite for BOTH of my oncologist.

Because I am a magical unicorn.

She says they are gonna try to figure out what is wrong so they will run test.

So they ran test

and never figured out what was wrong but I got a sheeetload of antibiotics and thankfully since I was on the oncology floor they could use my port so yay no iv...

They put me on some antibiotic called vancomycin.

Fun Fact: if they infuse it in you too fast you can get "Red Man Syndrome"

Fun Fact: I got Red Man Syndrome.

I noticed a tingling in my scalp and then the itching started.

I called my nurse.

Nurse Felix walks in, takes one look at my face, races to the pump and turns off the meds and runs out of the rooms saying something about Benadryl.

I look at my face.

NOT
PRETTY

Red whelpy blotches everywhere.

It's common so it has a name.

I text photos of myself to Angel Amy and Twirler Girl...because you have to have sympathy when yo look like hell...

Nurse Felix comes in and hits me in the port with the Benadryl and boy howdy when it hits it hits like morphine...woah...

Fun Fact: Benadryl can MESS YOU UP

That on top of my sleeping meds and I was out like a light until they came in 4 hours later to poke me again and then back to sleep.

In the morning adorable Dr Resident 1 came in and checked me and we had a laugh about what happened and she confirmed I was now HER favorite patient.

Doctors love me...

just saying...

So then Dr. Rockstar comes in and I inform her that I was sorry I messed up her weekend but I had given her all of November, December, January, February and most of March not to deal with me and I was ready for her to focus all her love and attention on me.

She's such a badass...she has 5 year old twins...

and me...

I get to be her third child.

She tells me I don't have C-diff and we have no clue why I am sick and lets hope the fever ends and that the gut issues resolve.

She cursed me....

gut issues hit relentlessly (but damn I did not lose any weight because a carby BRAT diet was what I was told to eat)

Fun Fact: I get along with carbs just not the carbs that make up a BRAT diet.

I got another fever at 4:30 in the afternoon when KuteKaren2 was visiting.

Damn

Cute Dr. Resident 2 comes in and we chat...she tells me about the poop transplant. We bond. She tells me she is going home to eat lunch (it is 8:30 at night)

Fun Tip: be nice to the residents...they need to learn...and they are TIRED....

Now while ALL of this is transpiring my son is down in Mexico with his father.

Who got married on Sunday.

Congratulations to him!

(REAL TALK: I am very very happy for him and his new bride. Honestly. 100%. I got rid of him. I haven't been in love with him for at least 10 or more years. I have never ever every considered going back to him and I have never ever ever regretted divorcing him. I am happy he has a new life with someone who is nice and is good to my children.)

BUT KARMA F'ING OWES ME ONE BECAUSE HOW THE HELL DID HE GET TO GO TO MEXICO AND GET MARRIED AND HAVE A HAPPY FANCY TIME AND I WAS F'ING ALONE IN THE F'ING HOSPITAL WITH F'ING CANCER?

KARMA OWES ME BIG TIME

I am soooooooo tired of being alone.

I just want a date.

I do not need to get married.

I just want a nice man to tell me I look/smell nice and that dinner was good and that he appreciates me and holds my hand.

that's all...

(but if I do get married I am totally getting my body into incredible shape so I can wear a copy of Meghan Markle's Stella McCartney gown)

So my ex got married

and I was in the hospital suffering

and guess what...we both came out ok

because he is happy now

and I was incredibly well cared for on this little step in my journey

and things were as they should be...because he needs a new life and my life does not include him and my journey is through this hell called cancer so that things can be shared...learned...experienced...

and I fully believe that somewhere on this journey the man of my dreams will be part of it...he will have a part in this situation.

I have a dear old friend (and by old I don't mean she is old but rather she is one I have known for a very long time).

She was lucky enough to find love again and married the sweet man of her dreams a couple of years ago. They are so happy.

And now he has cancer.

And he will totally beat it.

Because he is going to.

I know it.

And God gave him to my friend because God knows that SHE is the right woman to handle what is happening to him.

She will help him through it.

She will be his helpmeet.

And soon they can resume a happy hospital-free life together.

(Shoutout to my girl B and my man T...when we get this sheeeeet under control how about meeting in the Big K for some dinner at King's Inn? The drum is on me...you get the shrimp...I'll bring the champs...can I haz my own tartar sauce?)

It's been so hard for them but they will make it...and their love story gives me hope that somewhere on my road there is the man God intends to love me...he's there...somewhere on this path...maybe he's someone I have crossed paths with and maybe he's someone I have yet to meet....but he's on the path...I know it.

I promised my children that we would always be a family.

We might not be a married family but we are a family.

And I totally welcome my ex's new wife and her son as part of our family.

They are my family now.

Forever.

Because family isn't just about rings, and weddings, and births and who's married to who.

Family is about who you love and doing life together.

It's about who you do the hard stuff with.

It's about who is there when the good stuff happens and the bad.

My kids have two parents that love them and now a step mother that cares very much for them (I can't say if she loves them but I bet she does as she is a loving woman).

They are lucky.

I am lucky.

If I was bitter and jealous my family could not work.

Yes, I sure wish I hadn't spent 2 nights in the hospital without a sweet love to hold me when I was scared and to laugh when my face turned red but that's not where I am in my journey.

Instead I had the help of very sweet nurses and awesome doctors and wonderful friends like KuteKaren2, Angel Amy and Heavenly Heather (who brought the sweetest card for me from #teamangel).

Angel Amy headed to Houston, plopped a casserole in my fridge before heading to the hospital with dear daughter in tow and came and fetched me for them to release me. We hit up Walgreens and Randalls and came home and gobbled up her delicious casserole and all slept like happy girls.

So there you go...the tale of my rollercoaster week....

a week of chemo...

tears....

happiness for my ex...

2 new family members...

my face turning red....

watching my kiddos sing briefly....

pedis with sweet friends...

delicious food prepared by a friend who loves me...

friends who took care of me and my dear daughter when I couldn't...

nausea...

great nurses and doctors...

fevers...

unicorn cookies....

and I almost had a poop transplant...

yeah...that last one was unexpected too...

Inspiration Song: Here It Goes Again by OK GO! One of the funnest (is that a word?) videos I have ever seen is to this song.... it's the one on the treadmills (watch it on YouTube)..literally one of the greatest videos ever (theirs are off the charts clever)...they once did the song live with the treadmills on an awards show and didn't miss a beat...because with me it's always "here it goes again"...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTAAsCNK7RA

Bye Darlings....my family is happy and intact and has 2 new members...I'm ok and didn't need a poop transplant but did get a really red face...and I get to do the chemo again after the holiday (and Dr. Sweetmeds assures me that I won't be nearly so sick this next time...but I'm not holding my breath because if there is a wrinkle to be had I will make it into a mountain)

I'm going to start dedicating my blogs: this one is for you Brenda M....and Tom....

#uterinecancer #cancerblog #teamunicorn #princesscancer #uterinepappilaryserouscarcinoma