So Much Better

Hello Darlings...

It has been quite some time since I blogged...but January and early February are my "busy season" getting ready for our spring musical and I was working pretty much non-stop and all my creativity was being poured into our show "Legally Blonde". Along with all of this work on the show I was blessed to get some good news regarding my cancer so here's a little update on all of this...

a few months ago I posed the question:

How does it feel to be told you are cancer free...

and at that time the answer was:

I don't know...

And now I can tell you:

I DO KNOW

I know how it feels...I know how it feels to have my savior doctor tell me that my scans are good and that I have a future and life ahead of me...

and it feels:

INCREDIBLY AMAZING

it feels like the joy I had when I found out I was pregnant...

it feels like the relief I felt when my babies were born healthy

it feels like the rest of my life is in front of me...

it feels like it is my second birthday...

it feels like I can make plans...

it feels like I have been dead for 15 months and now I have come alive...

I can't believe how very blessed I am by God and how good He is to me...

I can't believe how lucky I am that Dr. Angel saved me and that I somehow ended up sitting in his office...and how that beautiful man took an angry belligerent patient that did NOT want to go through radiation and cured her despite the fact that I walked out of his office the first time swearing I would never go through radiation...

God told me that he was my angel...and Dr. Angel truly is...and I can never express my love and gratitude enough to him because he made sure I could have a future...he worked hard for it (like he does for all of his patients) and his staff also made sure they did all they could to make me beat this stuff that was trying to kill me...

Every single member of that team saved me---from the sweet wonderful receptionists to the amazing nurses and techs, to the physicists that calculated how much radiation I needed during brachytherapy.

I had a team and my doctor was the coach and we all fought El Diablo together.

So when he told me that my scans were good I cried...

a lot...

many
many
many
tears

when he showed me the scans I asked him:

"are you saying YES that these scans are good?"

and he said:

YES

and I said:

"are you happy with these scans? Like are these good scans? Are there no scary blobs there that we should worry about?"

Dr. Angel just smiled and said he was happy with the scans and they were better than expected and that I could feel good about things.

and that there were no scary blobs I should fear...

(that's what I call the scary lymph glands that have cancer---the blobs---because all I see is blobs. He sees cancer and no cancer. I see blobs. But that's ok---I'm pretty sure if I asked him if he thought sequins or crystals would work better on a costume he would call them blobs...we have learned to adjust to each other's language)

So for several weeks after that fateful day I was super happy and feeling super glad.

But then the fear started to creep back in.

I made a mistake and looked at a cancer forum and then joined it. For a while it was nice trading information with the ladies on the board but then the reality that some of them were dying or died got to me. And hearing a lot of horror stories about Stage 4 being so deadly and all the recurrences and well, it started to make me feel like the cancer wasn't really gone but just hiding.

That's the thing about fighting cancer...you hear something that feels "good" and then there is something there to burst your bubble and make you question it all or allows the fear to creep back in.

I'm pretty sure that for the next few years every twinge I feel or every time I am tired or don't feel 100% I am going to worry that it is cancer.

I'm going to be scared to death before every scan and I will worry until he tells me it is ok.

I'm going to be worried that each time they draw blood for a CA125 marker that it will come back elevated and might mean the cancer is back.

And I don't know how to fight that fear...because it is a new sort of fear.

I'm not sure if this is true for all but for me each day that I wake up I am grateful to be alive but I also worry that it is the day I will find out I am no longer in remission or free of evidence of disease.

Cancer has shaped me...
it has changed me...
it has rearranged me...
it has pulled me in and out of darkness...
it has remade me...
it made me a new me...

So I decided to get off that scary forum, quit asking Dr. Google for answers and have decided that I need to live each day as the gift it is...

I've been eating clean (except for the week I was working all day at HBU and had to eat college cafeteria food...cookies happened...cookies happened because the rest of the food was so bland and bad).

I've been exercising almost daily (except for said week at HBU for the show and the week before)...and I am going to complete a challenge to do 60 spin and/or yoga classes in 60 days...yes that is a lot of sweat...but I set out to do it and I am just 2 classes away (I've got 2 days...it will happen)

I'm losing weight (intentionally) and feeling pretty good...

I'm a bit tired but I did burn the candle at both ends right on the heels of hernia surgery that was right on the heels of blood transfusions that were right on the heels of more chemo and radiation...but I love my students and I loved our show and I loved being there even on the 16 hour days...

But all told I feel SO MUCH BETTER these days...especially when I look at the past year.

I'm not sure how I will ever deal with the fear...I think each time I get a clear scan it will help but honestly it is going to be difficult to impossible to put cancer behind me.

I had Stage 4B...and it tried to kill me...

because Uterine cancer is so silent...like many of them are...

But the problem is with my cancer (and Ovarian) is that many of the symptoms mimic menopause and pre-menopause.

What I was feeling could have easily been written off as just part of my body aging...

or maybe thyroid issues...

or stress...

so
many
other
things
than
cancer

and then the truly terrifying part for me is that once it was found it had traveled but only because I am basically an Oompa Loompa (nice and short...let's call it "fun sized" shall we?) my Dr. Angel was able to discover that there was cancer in the lymph glands in my neck.

I'm one of the lucky ones...

it was found
I am under the care of the best doctors
my treatments seem to have worked

I can't ask for much more right now...

So while "you might still have deadly cancer" dances somewhere in the nether regions of the back of my mind I plan to move forward...

I get to celebrate birthdays---mine and my kids

I get to keep spinning and doing yoga...and I am closing in on 600 spin classes and 300 yoga flows at Revolution so hahaha to cancer, and radiation, and chemo and blood transfusions and 2 major surgeries and bad knees and living in a theater for 2 weeks ever year...

I get to enjoy my home

I get to love on my kitties

I get to be a mom to my children and a "mom" to my students and Mama Bear to my Revolution peeps...

I get to wake up each day and hit the floor and see what kind of trouble I can stir up to make God say "I'm not ready for her yet" and for the devil to say "I don't need her here..."

I look forward to travel...
to musicals....
to being with students
to grandkids (a long long time from now)
and
maybe
I can look forward to love...

It would be nice to have someone to go with me when I see my son or daughter...to cook for...to come home to after a long day...and if I am really lucky he will sit through a high school musical and understand why I find such magic there with my kids...

We just did Legally Blonde...it was one of the best, if not the best, shows I have had the privilege of being part of.

The kids were amazing and we had a blast.

Our beautiful and sweet leading lady (Elle) came down with the flu the week of the show...and I ached for her knowing that the show was riding on her shoulders and that she felt terrible.

Our last show was a struggle but somehow she nailed it.

I learned a lot about strength from her...from a beautiful 17 year old young woman...

I watched her bravely go out there and sing her heart out for 4 shows even though I know all she wanted to do was be in bed. But she willed her body to go on and her voice to sing out.

During one quick change my heart broke...she looked so tired...and she was pushing herself to be the best she could...it was our last show...the show we were judged on...

she ran backstage and the girls changed her into the "bunny" costume (a leotard and ears) and I handed her a cough drop and water...and held out my hand for her to spit the cough drop in..

I wasn't afraid of getting sick...she needed a mom backstage and I love her so by golly spitting out a cough drop in my bare hand was what we were doing...

she climbed the stairs to her entrance spot behind a door and adjusted her costume and ears...she smiled a weak smile down at us...my heart was breaking...

she put her hand on the door...

and instantly I watched her go from sick young lady to Elle Woods...she stood up straight, opened that door and made her entrance...

and in that moment I saw strength beyond her years...

and I will admire her for it until I breathe my last...

I've seen my kids do it before...my SashaFierce (I call her that because she is more beautiful than Beyonce and has all her fierceness) had to get out and be Belle and sing a song called "Home" just hours after learning her beloved grandmother had died...she did the whole show with a broken heart and sang a song about home knowing her grandmother had been called home...

17 year old girls can be stronger than we know...

I am stronger than I knew I could be....

we don't know how strong we are until we have no choice but to be strong...

There is a song in Legally Blonde the Musical that Elle sings when she finds out she got the internship...something even she wasn't sure she could get...

and then she sees her name up on that list....and realizes someone knows that she exists...

and that is her name in black and white...and she realizes it's time to fight...

she tells her ex that it is better than the times they had together...

she calls her mom...

she vows to be early and dress as she should...

and she believes in herself...

when I saw the musical on Broadway 10 years ago I sobbed during that song...it struck a chord with me and deepened my love for the character...so when GOTT announced we were doing Legally Blonde I finally had my dream show (thank you God for letting me live to do it) and I knew I was going to get to hear that song sung again on the stage by a beautiful young woman...

and every night I snuck into the wing on stage right and watched "Elle" sing that song...and each night I sobbed with pride for that sweet girl singing it, for the character of Elle, for me and for every young woman that faced a challenge she didn't know she could not only meet but could beat...

because sometimes we can be and do so much better than we thought we could...

I was challenged with cancer...I had to fight...and I wasn't sure I could...that I could handle the treatments and survive...that I could beat Stage 4...

the odds weren't good...

Elle Woods had to get into Harvard with a fashion degree...but she did...

I had to beat Stage 4 with my beat up body and no partner (but the best aunt and friends in the world)...and the best doctors in the world...

I had to go up against El Diablo...

I've never had a bigger challenge...

but there, in black and white, on my precious Dr. Angel's computer screen was my scan...

and it was clear...the scan was clear....

and I had won the fight...

or at least for now I had...

and the feeling of hearing him tell me that my scans were good was so much better than I had imagined...

so so so much better...

it was like being told that I am loved...so very very loved...

because I loved myself enough to fight
and my friends and family loved me enough to support me
and my doctors loved me enough to try to cure me
and God loved me enough to say "not yet My child"

and I am so much better than before...

Inspiration Song: "So Much Better" from the musical Legally Blonde the Musical. It's my favorite song in the show...it has been one of my favorite songs from ANY show for a long time and when I hear it I feel like Elle...the Broadway version is wonderful but for me, from now on---the best version of it I will ever hear was sung on the HBU stage this February by a brave and beautiful young woman who I love like she is my own...because to me she is so much better than any Elle before...

Bye Darlings....cancer feels terrible....but being on the other side of cancer is so much better than I can ever say...