Wednesday, August 2, 2017

It's Not My Time

Helllooooo Darlings!

I am "reclaiming my time"...and just how I will explain in a bit but first let me talk to you about Auntie Maxine.

Now before you go and get worried that this blog is getting political---it's not.  But I need to mention Maxine Waters so you see where I am going with this and I have to tell you a bit about her and my obsession with her...

Maxine Waters (D) is a California congresswoman who has been a member of the U.S. House of Representatives since 1991.  She's fierce.

I've had dreams about her...

The best one was a dream that I had that me, Michelle Obama, Oprah, my friend OwlLover, Beyonce and Maxine were having a tea party.  There was lots of fancy sandwiches and china...great conversation .  And I'm the only white girl at the party.  Maxine is pouring the tea.  Oprah has invited me to her house in Maui.  OwlLover is telling me to quit trying to touch Beyonce (because who doesn't want to touch Bey...her skin GLOWS...and she's BEYONCE).  And Auntie Maxine is telling me "behave Child!!!!"'s such a good dream...Michelle and I leave the party to go get dirty martinis...

So yeah, I am obsessed enough with Maxine Waters that I dream about her...(y'all are already familiar with the Oprah and Beyonce obsessions---I think it is my deepest desire to be a fabulous black woman...)

So last week Rep Waters was questioning Treasury Secretary Mnuchin during a House Financial Services Committtee hearing and after Auntie Maxine asked a question Secretary Mnuchin attempted to stall answering her question by flattering her and just generally avoiding the question.

Maxine was having none of it.

Each Rep is only given a certain sliver of time to ask questions and Sec Mnuchin was apparently not keen to answer her inquiry so he decided to stall and waste the time so that he could avoid it altogether.

And like I said---she was having none of it.

So then she uttered the most meme-worthy words of the year:


She also told him to quit "taking up time with how great I am" and wanted him to answer the question. Oh I loved that...

He kept stalling.

Maxine kept reclaiming her time.

you can check it out for yourself right here:

if that doesn't work just Google Maxine reclaiming my's everywhere...

Some would argue that she was being rude but unless you are aware of the fact that she can, in fact, reclaim the time that was wasted by him not answering  the question it might appear to be so.

But she had her rights...and she used them...he wasted her time and she wanted it back.

So how does all of this apply to me...and to you?

Today my sweet friend JoyousJoy pointed out to me that maybe Auntie Maxine's words should become something I to should claim...

maybe I can reclaim my own time that cancer stole away from me...

she's a genius...(and an incredible artist)

because I do want to RECLAIM MY TIME

I spent 9 long, hard, horrible months floating through life while I was getting treated for the cancer that was trying to kill me.

I didn't go out much...the best time I had was watching my students perform in our musical.

I didn't feel well enough to go to dinner...or just generally be social.

I spent a helluva lot of time in my recliner (oh how I love that chair)...

I got fat and bloated.  30 lbs of fat and bloated.

Not kidding.

I looked terrible.

I was knees killed me...I had no energy...

To sum it up: I was a cancer patient.

But once chemo ended and I started to feel better and to lose weight I started to feel like the old me again...

I had a little respite from treatments between chemo and the radiation treatments...enough time to catch my breath and get ready for what was to come.

Once the radiation started my happy little self was at 6400 Fannin every M-F for 5 weeks followed by an additional week of the internal treatments.

I came to love my radiology oncologist and his team...and I miss the girls in the office there...

and frankly it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would was so much easier than chemo...

but it did eat up my day---I had to leave my house by 11 each time for the table was 11:45...sometimes I got on early but most days it was usually 11:45-12:15 when I jumped on the table and Dr. Angel's machine did it's magic.  Then 30 minutes home.

So a minimum of 2 hours each day to get nuked.

I had a few appointments that were at 2:30 and on those days I barely got home in time to dress and head back out to spin.

And yes I did spin or yoga pretty much every single day during treatment.

Dr. Angel thinks I am nuts...
Dr. Rockstar already figured out that I am a long time ago...

But they both credit my workouts at my beloved Revolution for being why I did so well during treatments and why I am healthier than most at this point in their cancer journey.  The chemo weight is gone and my strength is back as is my energy.  I no longer need daily naps.

For 9 months I:
felt sorry for myself
felt crappy
gained weight
buried myself in sack clothes
was pretty much antisocial
barely exercised (until June)
slept a lot
took almost daily naps
had no energy
had no strength
hated going to the store because it took so much out of me
cried a lot
didn't look in the mirror much

For 9 months I gave my life over to cancer and to conquering it...

and now IT'S MY TIME

I'm ready to go back to being the girl I was before the cancer...

actually I want to be an improved version of her...

I figure that I didn't go through all of this and learn what I did to just throw it all away and ignore what I have been given.

I have been given a second chance to have my best life...

a life full of love and sharing love...

a life full of fun and making fun for others...

a life full of gratitude and giving to others...

a life full of LIFE...

When I was in college I always thought I would have a great life after college.  I grew up with Mary Tyler Moore and Marlo Thomas ("That Girl!").  I wanted to have an "M" (ok in my case an "A") on my apartment wall and be the cute career girl that wore fabulous clothes (ok it was the 80's so semi-fabulous clothes) and had lots of boyfriends.

That got derailed when I met the ex and decided I wanted to be a housewife and got married at 21.

The cute apartment (that was ALL MINE with an A on the wall) never happened and because the ex is 7 years older than me when I was 21 I was practically going on 30.

I traded my glamorous dreams of a career for a house, a Honda accord, and indentured servitude to the Junior League of Houston.

I dreamed of having kids...and after 7 years I finally had one...

she was my world...

and then her brother came along...

and they were my world...

and my life was full of diapers, and naps (or lack thereof...), carpools, soccer games, football games, wrestling matches, dances, homework, and endless trips to HEB.

It will always be the best and most fulfilling thing I have ever done---raising my kids.

All of my energy and focus was devoted to them...and what was leftover I devoted to my students.

I got divorced with the hope that I could finally find a real love to share my life with...not settling for someone who didn't fit me.

He quickly found someone else.

I did very briefly but it was not to be.

I figured my next love would come after the kids were grown and out of the house.

But then one went to college followed by the other.

and 3 months after my son went of to school I got the news that changed my life.

That dream of a new love and life that I could finally have now that my children didn't need me 24/7 was replaced with a dream that I would live and survive cancer.

In my head I had it all worked out...all my friends who said "once he goes to school you will be free to do as you please and you will meet the man of your dreams."

I met cancer instead.

Instead of having fun with my FitFam friends on weekends I ended up staying home and trying to recover.  They gave me the sweetest party before my chemo treatments started.  It was the best lunch I have ever had because I was at a table surrounded by people I love but I would have loved to have met for brunch after yoga or met for dinner on a Saturday night instead of just being happy I got out of my pajamas.

Instead of joining TwirlerGirl for our nights of cooking and cocktails and gabbing until late she spent those precious hours with me at chemo...

My life sucked.

But I was alive and I was beating cancer.

I can't fully get those hours, days, weeks and months back---but I can reclaim what I lost by living fully in my future.

I'm going to take more chances...
I'm going to give more service to others...
I'm going to use what I have learned to help others...
I'm going to say "yes" more...
I'm going to spend more hours out of my recliner than in it...
I'm going to open my eyes to more possibilities...
I'm going to win another Tommy Tune Award (ok maybe that won't happen but I will try...)
I'm going to wear a hell of a dress to the Tommy Tune Awards (even if I have to sit on the floor in the stage left wing and dress a child)
I'm going to get myself back to being fit and feeling good about my body
I'm going to do a helluva lot of spin and yoga
I'm going to wear heels...

And I've decided that "bucket list" of what my future man should be is going to be altered.

He does not have to be a blue-eyed man with dimples who drives a big ass truck...he just needs to be a nice guy (around my age...the older thing didn't work for me before) who drives a car he paid for and has a steady job.  He needs to like to exercise because Revolution is my life.  He needs to be ok with a woman who has been through a lot...

that's all...

oh, and he has to like Star Wars and Game of Thrones and Guardians of the Galaxy...I just can't be with someone who doesn't know who The Mother or Dragons or Groot is...

I'm going to reclaim all that time I missed by doing my future BETTER...

We all have periods in our lives when we put ourselves in the back seat...or when we have to do things for ourselves that are NOT what we want to do...

They are things we MUST do...

But when those times are behind us we must reclaim what we have lost.

For me it is my body and my time to enjoy other humans...I am reclaiming that...

Every time my port was accessed and poison was poured into my body---I was being given the gift of time and a future...

Every time I laid down on the radiation table and Dr Angel's machine did it's magic---I was being given the gift of time and a future...

I had two doctors and their staffs work extremely hard to give me my keep me from dying and hopefully keep the cancer from coming back.

The cancer didn't claim me.

I claimed me.

Reclaim your time...but do it BETTER...what lies ahead of you is a gift.

Take that gift that is your future and right now pledge something to yourself that you will do that will be better for you and those you love...

be it to take better care of yourself...or serve others more...or spend more time with those you love...

whatever it is pledge to reclaim your time and do it better...

let's all be a little Auntie Maxine about things and not let fools waste our time...take the time you are given and use it better...

I'm reclaiming my time...

and my time will be better than I had ever hoped it would be...

Inspiration Song: "It's Not My Time" by 3 Doors Down. Because it was not my time to go down to cancer...and now it IS my time to reclaim my life.  The lyrics are pretty you go:

Looking back at the beginning of this
And how life was
Just you and me loving all of our friends
Living life like an ocean
But now the current's only pulling me down
It’s getting harder too breath
It won’t be to long and I will be going under
Can you save me from this?

Cause it’s not my time I'm not going
There's a fear in me it’s not showing
This could be the end of me
And everything I know
Oh but I won’t go

I look ahead to all the plans that we made
And the dreams that we had
I'm in a world that tries to take them away
Oh but I'm taking them back
Cause all of this time I've just been too blind to understand
What should matter to me
My friends this life we live, it’s not what we have
It’s what we believe in

Cause it’s not my time I'm not going
There's a fear in me but it’s not showing
This could be the end of me
And everything I know
But it’s not my time I'm not going
There's a will in me and now I know that
This could be the end of me
And everything I know
Oh but I won’t go
I won’t go

There might be more than you believe
(There might be more than you believe)
There might be more than you can see

But it’s not my time I'm not going
There's a fear in me it’s not showing
This could be the end of me
And everything I know
But it’s not my time I'm not going
There's a will in me and now it’s gonna show
This could be the end of me
And everything I know

There might be more than you believe
(There might be more than you believe)
There might be more than you can see

But I won’t go
No I won’t go down

Bye Darlings----don't go down---reclaim your time...and do it better

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