Afterlife

Are you sick of me endlessly blogging about my "mommy makeover" yet?

yeah...me too...

but too bad...you get another one today...

But this is sort of a "show and tell" blog...complete with photos!

So I went to see my Fairy Godmother last week and she removed all the tapes covering my incisions and told me I could quit wearing the surgical bra...yippee!

I do sorta look like the Bride of Frankenstein...

So much so I have been practicing my hiss just like hers but I'm not sure I can ever manage the upright hair...

I'm cut from hip to hip...literally cut in half...

So here's the deal...I just assumed when she did the tummy tuck that she pulled the skin UP...

But noooooo...

so the day before my appointment I was checking myself out in the mirror (I do that a lot these days...I keep getting afraid that one day the image in the mirror will talk back to me like the Magic Mirror the Evil Queen had in Snow White...or that one day it will just CRACK because I am constantly staring into it)...anyhoo...

so I am staring in the mirror and I notice something...

the mole on my stomach...

that is right next to my "new" belly button

(I have to admit getting a "new" belly button was the one thing that gave me pause...because my belly button was, as strange and perverse as it sounds,  my connection to my mother as that WAS our connection when I was in utero...and maybe I am just a weird belly button person but that little connection seemed special...but WTH...I'd rather have no loose skin so off it went).

So I have this mole next to my belly button and I am thinking...where did this come from?

Then it dawns on me...

It used to be higher up...

and I notice the scar from the laparascope from my gall bladder removal is now...

4 inches LOWER

Wow...

So I check the photo I took of myself the night before surgery and sure enough that mole has moved down 4 inches.

I told the doc to check out my before photos and she said it was a great indication of how much skin she took and how they don't just take the stuff from the bottom where it is droopy but she took that and then PULLED DOWN the skin...

4 inches...

That's a lot...

Now I would post those photos here but they are rather graphic and it seems a bit gross...but if you are considering doing this surgery, message me and I can send them to you privately to give you an idea of what happens.

Now why did she need to take so much skin off...

OK, so let's revisit the "old" me...the "before" me...and when I say "before" I mean the FAT me...

Yup...there I am...in all my big girl glory...

Those photos were taken the summer of 2009.  I didn't start my diet until March 2010.

The first photo was taken at Zion National Park.

The second photo was taken on the top of a nuclear submarine.  I almost didn't fit down the hole you have to go down to get inside.  Going down and coming back up were terrifying.

So yeah...I look like I am pregnant with triplets...but sadly my last baby had been born 11 years before that photo was taken...

That is what 300 pounds looks like...

So now...drum roll please....

Here is the NEW me...this photo was taken on January 12...

And these were taken 1-22-13

The first photo is  a side view...and yes I have my super spanxy compression garment on...but I'm not "sucking in"...this is how it is...yay!

This next view is front with compression garment on:

This photo I have removed the compression garment...but I'm not "sucking in"

So I am pretty happy with the results and I"m looking forward to seeing how it all turns out once the swelling is gone...and without the compression garment.

And for some crazy reason I am more swollen this week than last but from the research I have done that is "normal"...whatever "normal" is...

I know I sure as heck am not nor will ever be "normal"...

And I am fine with that...

I'm so glad I finally had the courage to do this surgery and not keep waiting...I had a lot of excuses about waiting but finally I just had to do it.

I was tired of waiting...

I was tired of the loose skin...

I was tired of looking in the mirror and seeing the sad fat girl looking back at me.

So I did it...

So now that I have had the surgery...you may ask: "what next?" or "what now?"

What next and what now are...live my life to stay looking and feeling good.

So as soon as I can I will be back to the gym...I am desperately missing JayVee's spin class...like to the point I cry when she sends me her playlist and I really want to just go and WATCH it because I miss it so much...plus I think I would have a grand time yelling at my friends Tamster and CuteChristine and Jackie Blue and April Showers to "crank up that tension" while I sit on a stability ball.

They would hate me...

I would love it...

I have at least 2 more spin classes on Tuesdays that I can't go to so I might just have to do it.

And I miss Body Pump with J'taime Jamie...wow do I miss that.  And it's going to kill me to go back to it because I have not been able to lift a darn thing heavier than my little cat so I will have to go back to really light weight when I start back.  I lift like a guy...so that will be super hard on me.

Even harder I can't imagine doing crunches or planking or doing push ups...

That will take a lot of time and work to get back into as well.

But as soon as Dr. Baldwin says "go" I plan to...even if it means I can't finish a spin class (at least I would START it), or can't lift but half of what I usually do with biceps (at least I am lifting) or if I have to beg off doing things at SuperSally's Boot Camp (she totally knows and gets it) I am GOING TO TRY and do whatever I can without putting my recovery in jeopardy...

I CAN'T WAIT TO SWEAT!  And I mean on a bike or lifting weight and NOT because of this stupid compression garment.

And after all, the first time I decide to exercise in almost a decade (when I started my diet) I got on the elliptical and did an hour.

I did not throw up...but I did want to die...

A week later I did an hour and a half....that time I did throw up..but I didn't want to die.

I'm a pretty determined byatch when I set my mind to it...but I also need to listen to my body and I promise you I will...

For now, since I can't do much more than "stroll" or sit on my stability ball, I am eating right and trying to be as good and clean with my food as I can.

I still eat a lot of soup...and thankfully I don't have a huge appetite.  I try and eat salmon for at least 4 meals each week and I'm good with eating a lot of veggies and brown rice.

No real desserts...just a lot of fruit...or Tasti Delite...

And I will continue to work out and eat healthy and maintain a healthy lifestyle albeit one that includes red wine (not so bad for you) and dirty vodka martinis (ok that is bad for me but a girl has to have a vice or two...or 12...or 20...just count it as one of my "few" vices...remember Ke$ha Barbie can be Satan and I have to watch The Cutest Boy in the World wrestle).

And I will enjoy having this new body that I worked hard for and paid a lot of $ for...but I also will no longer have any excuses to not look or feel good about myself.

And lest you think I am going to end up looking like "Mama Elsa" from "The Real Housewives of Miami" (Google her...please please google her...and google "before" pictures...) or Cher or Joan Rivers I can promise you that won't happen.

I do regularly have poison shot into my forehead (Botox) so I don't look mad all the time but I don't plan to let anyone, even the amazing fairy godmother Dr. Baldwin is, put a scalpel to my face...

Ok, maybe I shouldn't say "never" because...well, you NEVER KNOW...

but at least in the short term...in the foreseeable future...I do not plan to have any more plastic surgery.

Instead I will keep taking care of my body...use my Mary Kay Timewise stuff on my face...get some Botox when I start looking like I might shoot someone...exercise daily...eat right...pray hard...play hard...drink red wine when it is appropriate...drink vodka when Ke$ha Barbie tells me something crazy...and love my children, my friends, and my life...

And maybe...down the road...when I find me a wonderful sweet man who drives a big ass truck who can look beyond scars and sees the woman INSIDE but likes the outside too I might rock a bikini in the hot tub...and if he doesn't tell me I look "awesome and amazing" I will do my best Bride of Frankenstein hiss....

And trust me...

I can do it...

Inspiration Song: "Afterlife" by Switchfoot.  A song JayVee introduced me to (introduced to her by her fabulous and amazing husband who I would gladly steal from her if I didn't love her...yes, he drives a big ass truck and has blue eyes...I call him "The Hunk").  I love that song...just like I love JayVee and the Hunk.  It is my "power" song...one that gets me to feel really good about life and moving forward...about living my best life...about not waiting...

some lyrics:
Every day, a choice is made,Every day I choose my fateAnd i wonder "why would I wait 'til I die to come alive?" To come alive?Every day, every day, every day I still feel the same,And I wonder "why would I wait 'til I die to come alive?"I'm ready now I'm not waiting for the afterlife

Read more: SWITCHFOOT - AFTERLIFE LYRICS 

Bye Darlings...live in the now...don't wait for the afterlife...I am in my afterlife...and I'm glad I didn't wait

Barbie Girl

I can hear the groans now...those of you familiar with the song...because just like me it is most likely annoying running non-stop in your head.

"Barbie Girl" is not a song you want running in your head.

I was hesitant to use it for a blog because after all it HAS to be among the Top 10 Worst Songs of All Time (along with "Muskrat Love", "The Pina Colada Song" and several other songs that are pure dreckitude).

Ke$ha Barbie used to love that song...I let her listen to it until I listened closely to the words...yowza...it's not a nice girl song...

Luckily she was still at the age where she mixed up song lyrics all the time...like:

(From "Sandra Dee" from the musical "Grease")
Ke$ha Barbie's "lyrics": "Would you put a cat in a net?"
Actual lyrics: "would you pull that crap with Annette?"

She also thought "Baby One More Time' was a nice girl song...until she saw the video...

But I'm not talking about song lyrics today...I'm talking about...

BEAUTY

and

BARBIE

or rather how Barbie makes us feel.

Now I am a HUGE Barbie fan.  I have always LOVED LOVED LOVED Barbie.  I played with my Barbies until I was probably too old to play with my Barbies.  I bought Ke$ha Barbie her own Barbies but she never liked them at all.  She liked her Beanie Babies.  I loved Barbie and wanted a Barbie Girl daughter for my own...

And that is part of the reason I named her Ke$ha Barbie...

She did play a bit with them.  She dressed them up a bit but I always took the shoes away...I lived in fear of Barbie Shoes.  I was terrified that The Cutest Boy in the World was going to eat one.

Ke$ha Barbie knew that I always threw them away.

Once we went to New York and we were in the Barbie department at FAO Schwarz and they had a fantastic Barbie Shoe fountain thing...it was like a lava lamp made of Barbie Shoes.  Ke$ha Barbie pointed it out to my mother and said "Watch out Nona!  Mommy is going to FREAK OUT when she sees this!!!!"

I did literally shudder when I saw the fountain...and then I sat mesmerized and watched all those Barbie stilletos float around in the water...and then we went into the Barbie store there and I was in HEAVEN.

I'll admit it to you...I am a 48 year old woman who would still play with Barbies if I could...and I have my beautiful Malibu Barbie who lives on my nightstand that MarvelousMargaret gave to me this summer (a truly amazing gift from an amazing friend).

To continue with my obsession that I am insisting you share with me, I want you to feast your eyes on those beautiful illustrations by Mattel Barbie designer Robert Best.  For you Project Runway fans out there he was on Season 3 I think...he has my dream job...getting to dress up Barbie all day long.

And I totally would doll myself up in any of these beautiful gowns if I was given the chance...and a lot of hair extensions...

And then there is this one...not a Robert Best but I very much dig her...

In my dreams I look like these Barbies...all perfectly shaped and glamorous and perfectly coiffed and with the ability to wear daring scary high heels for hours on end...

But now that I AM a Barbie girl...with the new figure and all I might just dress up as Barbie for Halloween this year...

I will go as Middle Aged Wrestling Mom Who Wants to be Glamorous and Date a Man Who Drives a Big Ass Truck Barbie...

I'm just not sure how I will get into that tiny little 8 inch dress...

But all joking aside...there is another side to all of this....

Like I said before...

How Barbie makes us feel

Because as much as I love Barbie and as much as I wanted Ke$ha Barbie to love her too and want to play with her, once she started to get older I wondered what kind of message Barbie was sending to my daughter...

Well not Barbie but rather Mattel...and the general public...

Barbie is held as one of the ideal beauties...she has flawless skin, an enviable figure that no real woman can attain, mountains of blonde perfect hair that always holds its curl and stays perfectly styled and she can wear anything and has feet that are shaped perfectly for stilettos...

And she is an astronaut architect doctor lawyer runway model fashion designer President of the United States...

I think she has also won gold medals at the Olympics and saved the world more than a few times.

NO ONE is that perfect...

or that talented

or has the energy to do all of that...

So in reality, did I really want my daughter to admire a plastic doll with an unattainable body and arms that don't really bend?  (How can you be an astronaut if you can't bend your arms?)

Ke$ha Barbie has the hair...and the huge blue doe eyes...and she only stands 5 foot tall but she has a pretty cute figure and to me she is perfectly perfect (when she is not being Satan) and is as beautiful as any girl can be...and prettier than Barbie...

But I don't want her to ever think that Barbie is the ideal beauty...I think there are way more beautiful women to admire than Barbie...

My mother...

My aunts...

My sisters...

My sister in law (mother of my Bella Bella...and yes, Bella Bella is far more beautiful)

My precious nieces

My cousin's wives

My girlfriends

and then you have your usual suspects like Olivia Wilde, Beyonce, Jessica Chastain, etc...

And I'm not sure what message I sent to her 2 weeks ago when I had plastic surgery to turn me into a semi-replica of Barbie...basically turning me into "She Used to be FAT But Now is Improved by Surgery Barbie".

I thought long and hard about it...and sorta feared she would ask when she could have a boob job (thankfully she didn't and the answer will be "when you can pay for it yourself").  

Was I telling her that perfection is what one must attain?

(not that I am anywhere close to perfect...but I am improved)

Was I telling her that "better" wasn't "good enough"?

Was I telling her that bigger breasts and a flat belly mean "pretty" and that smaller breasts and a bit of extra skin are not?

Was I showing her that when you don't like something about yourself you just go and change it with surgery?

Trust me...this all went through my head and still does...

But lucky for me she barely flinched and seemed to take it in stride.  And when she is not being Satan she has a pretty good head on her shoulders...

So as blissfully happy as I am with my new body I do have a part of me that questions whether I was trying to achieve some ideal that I may never get to...

I know I am not trying to please a man because:

1) there is no man to please

2) most men don't think Barbie is all that hot...they realize SHE IS A DOLL

So am I trying to be a doll?

And after thinking on this quite some time I have come to the conclusion that even though I hold Barbie as one sort of ideal of beauty the REAL REASON I did this was not to look like her or to attain some sort of perfection but rather to exorcise the demon of the fat girl and to find my confidence within myself to make the OUTSIDE MATCH THE INSIDE of how I felt...

yes, I am vain...

yes, I want to be pretty...

But inside I feel like a hot sexy pretty girl and I decided to do something to make the outside look like the way I felt...

So yeah...

I'm  a Barbie Girl...

and I'm ok with it...

And I TOTALLY WANT HER WARDROBE...AND THE BARBIE DREAM CAR...

Inspiration Song: "Barbie Girl" by Aqua...one of the most annoying songs ever...but like the song says, "life in plastic...it's fantastic!"...and yeah, I now am "made of plastic" so to speak...and you know what...every time I look in the mirror...IT'S FANTASTIC!

Bye Darlings...Beauty is not a plastic doll...Beauty is INSIDE OF YOU...find that inner beauty and the rest will follow...

I Feel Fine

So...I feel fine...

Actually I feel pretty damn good but I can't find a song called "pretty damn good" so this will do...

I feel SOOOOO good in fact...that today I haven't even taken a Tylenol or Advil...

nope...

not one...

Didn't need it yesterday either but then I had a headache in the middle of the afternoon so I popped a Tylenol.  It wasn't the boobs or the tummy...literally just a headache and I think it was a combo of the weather and that I really haven't had much caffeine...

Last night KuteKaren took me out to dinner.

Before dinner I popped an Advil to make sure I didn't end up in pain in the middle of our entrees...so it was a prophylactic dose nothing more...and really I think the dirty martini I had would have done the trick anyway...

And yes, I had doctor's permission...

although I think I was playing fast and loose with it.

She called to check on me Friday afternoon and I asked her if it was ok that I went out to dinner and she said "no problem...you can even have a glass of wine".

So I did...

She didn't say "martini" (Dirty Tito's...Tito's is the bomb!  And I have always been a STOLI girl...)but I figured since I wasn't driving or taking Vicodin I could risk it.

So KuteKaren and I went to Segari's for dinner...I love it because it is so old school yet the food is great...you know the kind of place where you can still get a great steak and shrimp cocktail.

So that's what I had...actually I had a crab claw and shrimp cocktail with my martini and a very rare filet with a side of sauteed veggies with my cabernet...

And a slice of coconut meringue pie...

Yeah, I went all out...but between the good food and the good company my cabin fever was cured and I felt great through dinner and thoroughly enjoyed myself.

The only thing that was difficult at all was figuring out what to wear...

Because you see I have these terrible sexy and flattering compression garments to wear 24/7...so basically a spanx that goes from just under my bra down to my knees and a bra that makes a nursing bra look like something sexy from Victoria's Secret.

The bottom part was easy...yoga pants from Lucy...

The top was harder...it took 3 tries until I found one that wasn't too low cut or cut to wide at the neck to show the bra...it's like a super sports bra that comes up high and has straps that are very wide.  Hard to hide.

I began to worry that maybe it was not so much the bra as my wardrobe...I mean it's not like EVERYTHING in my closet is low cut or wide in the neck but last night it seemed so.

so this may prove to be my biggest challenge of all...how to wear normal clothes...while rocking these extremely hot (and not in the good way) and very unsexy undergarments...

Dr. Baldwin said that after next week I could start wearing a soft bra or camisole with a shelf bra...no underwires for a while and a sports bra could be hard to get off and on.  I still have to wear the surgical bra to bed for support but that's easy because I don't care what I am wearing to bed right now...

I told her I couldn't wait to try on some of my old clothes when my swelling goes away...she sweetly said I was going to enjoy that and I will.  I joked with her that I just might wear a cocktail dress to her office at my 6 week visit.

She told me to do it.

I think I will...

After all it will still be coat season...I can hide it under a coat...and for me it is a celebration..

Every visit to her is a celebration...she is my fairy godmother after all and who doesn't love their fairy godmother?

Today I have had it easy...and I have taken it easy...I've mostly just stayed in bed finishing up my marathon of Downton Abbey.  I can't wait until tomorrow to watch the new season...

And if you want to borrow my DVD's I am making a list of those who want to borrow it so just let me know...it's excellent...

So I have stayed in bed most of the day except when J'taime Jamie (I know I keep spelling that wrong!) came to see me and we had a great visit...but it makes me miss her spin class and barbell class all the more....

The wardrobe was easy too...JayVee gave me some awesome flannel pajama bottoms (in pink and black plaid with shiny silver...soooooo me!!!!) to wear for Christmas so I have schlepped around in those all day with a Lucy t-shirt...and the fuzzy socks she gave me that match...

I still can't stand up straight but I don't care...and I still have to wrestle the compression garment back on all the time but I don't care...and I still can't pick up my cat but I don't care...

I feel so fine that it just doesn't matter.

And maybe tomorrow when D'nice comes over I will have her take a few photos to share with you...

But all of this got me to thinking about why I didn't do it sooner...

And there are several reasons:
didn't want to wear hot compression garments in the summer
didn't want to not be able to swim and sun outside because of the garments and scarring
didn't want to ruin my kids summer vacation


more importantly:
by Dr. Baldwin's advice I wanted to be in the BEST shape possible
and
I wanted to be at or as close to my goal weight as I could and STAY THERE for several months

But the biggest reason I put it off:

FEAR

I was afraid of it...the pain, the cutting, the downtime, the worry I was being selfish, the money, the fact I have to be away from the gym for 6 weeks...

lots and lots of FEAR

And it held me back

But I have learned something from this experience...

FEAR CAN KEEP YOU FROM MOVING FORWARD

Now I'm not saying fear is a bad thing....fear of gaining weight is why I am eating super clean and healthy...

and some fears are good....like when you look into a murky lake and think "maybe I shouldn't dive in there" or when you have had a few too many glasses of wine and you think "maybe I shouldn't drive"

yes, those are GOOD fears...

But fear of the unknown (when you can do some research about it) and fear of something hurting or being uncomfortable can hold you back.

I can tell you that it is a hell of a lot more uncomfortable to ask for a seat belt extender and fly squashed in a coach seat than this has been...because I used to have to do that...

I let my fear of the pain keep me from doing this...

and now as I sit here pretty much pain free and having taken no drugs today (except for the pleasure drug that is Downton Abbey) I feel fine...

So don't let fear keep you from doing something you want to do...

Now lest you worry that your friend here has become totally fearless and will show up at the club pool in a bikini I can assure you that that will only happen if I lose a really bad bet...but I am going to use this experience to explore and try more things in my life...

who knows...I might even ask for you to suggest challenges for me when I am all healed up...

(and no, wearing a bikini to the club pool is off the table)

but I guess what I am saying here is don't let fear stop you...I almost did and I wouldn't end up in this happy feeling fine...hell feeling GREAT place I am right now.

And if you are afraid...email or message me...I will hold your hand...I'm pretty good at that actually...and by this I don't necessarily mean plastic surgery...I mean fear doing anything...losing weight, trying a class at the gym, exploring an exercise, trying a new recipe...you get the picture...

And if you want to feel REALLY good...email or message me and I will give you Dr. Baldwin's info...because I am pretty sure that she is a real fairy godmother...and I will share her...

So I'm good...thanks for all the prayers and well wishes...I can't run a marathon or do a spin class but I can walk across the house pretty good and shower easily and get out of bed with no assistance (and have been for quite some time).

My mother is smiling from heaven.  She had a tummy tuck and had her boobs done...a few times I think.

One of her dearest friends, CuteCarolyn, told me that my mom was so crazy that after her tummy tuck she got on the roller coaster at the Kleberg County Fair and rode it with us!  Now that roller coaster may not be "Space Mountain" or "The Rockin Roller Coaster" or "The Texas Cyclone" but in any case it was a wild ride.

And my Mommy...and her compression garments...did it...

Now that is some inspiration...

but I will tell you I WOULD fear doing it...but you know...given the chance...I just might...

Inspiration Song: "I Feel Fine" by the Beatles...you know it but you might not remember it unless you hear it...they were the most awesome band ever...my blog...my opinion...

Bye Darlings...I feel fine...really I do...so learn from me and don't let fear hold you back...you might have something awesome in your future if you just let go and DO IT!

One Week

Today as I write this I am off the Vicodin...so anything crazy I say is just me being crazy and not the effect of drugs...

Ok so it's been ONE WEEK since the surgery...the "mommy lift"...the tummy tuck and boob job...

Yeah, I am an open book...not many secrets here...

Do I regret it?

NOT EVEN ONE TINY ITSY BITSY TEENY WEENY LITTLE BIT

Not even when:
I ended up allergic to the pain meds and I itched more than I hurt
I had to drag around drains and they were gross...and empty them...even grosser...
I realized that the torture chamber device (compression garment) is worse than spanx
I figured out that you have to be a contortionist to get in and out of the compression garment and it is not fun when you need to pee...
that I was informed today that I have to wear that garment 24/7 for 6 weeks
I am forced to sleep on my back even though I am a fetal side sleeper
I try to force myself to stand up straight but realize I can't
the pain meds slowed my gut down (ok, maybe that is TMI...but consider it a warning...)
the doctor removed the horrid drains and it felt like an alien crawling out of me
I couldn't shower until the drains came out
I ended up with tape burns because my skin is sensitive to surgical tape

So yeah, that has been the only downside to this...

I cried in Dr. Baldwin's office again today...I told her that she had given me back the "me" I had hidden for so long...the me that was buried...the me that had once turned to food instead of fitness...she and the nurse started crying too...I told her she was my fairy godmother again...and if you need a fairy godmother I have her number...no magic needed...she is AMAZING!

And I told her that even with the swelling, and even with my boobs still high up (they have to "drop"...I am learning all kinds of new things about breast augmentation...email me if you want details because I'm gonna spare everyone else here...), and even with my bikini line looking like an old map of Route 66 that I felt beautiful...

For the first time...

in like...

forever...

But here's the deal...

It's not a flat belly and perky "Baywatch Babe" boobs that make a woman beautiful...and just another aside here---don't panic...I did not go all "Pamela Anderson" on myself...I'm just a full "c"...in my clothes I won't look any different than before...just minus the heavily padded Victoria's Secret bra

No it's not being skinny...or looking like a Victoria's Secret Angel (because I am neither) that makes beauty...it is the inner beauty...

And for me I have always tried to be more beautiful on the inside than the outside...

I don't always succeed...far from it...good grief I am on Santa's naughty list every 3rd day...but I TRY to be good...I TRY to be an inner beauty...

I had a male friend tell me "you are already gorgeous...you will be stunning...but it's your inner beauty that I love the most"...

awww...isn't he sweet?

yes, those are some very great words to get me through this...and I have held on to the last part...the inner beauty part to help me get through...and to stay focused on why I did this...

So like I said before, I was just trying to fix the outside parts that made me sad...that reminded me of the fat miserable girl...

For me it was an exorcism...and she's gone...and now I will spend the rest of my life keeping this body I worked so hard to get.

Because 90% of it was my diet and exercise...it was just this 10% damage that no amount of planks, or lifts, or spin classes were going to get rid of...and frankly I just wanted that girl GONE.

Now lest you think that I only find beauty in skinny woman...well, you would be wrong...

some of the most beautiful women I know are not a size 2...or 4...or 6...or even 16...

I have one friend...let's call her Victorius...when we were teens she was overweight...and still drop dead gorgeous...and now as an adult she has conquered that weight...and is still drop dead gorgeous...because she is gorgeous inside...

I have another dear friend....no names...who makes me so proud because she is trying her best to conquer her weight problem.  She is a stunning woman.  Skinny or overweight she is stunning.  I pale next to her.  But I want her healthy...and so does she.  She has had a hard year...this year she will end the year as a healthy woman...and to that I will cheer her on...but her inner beauty is beyond compare no matter what her size...

When I told GOTT I wanted to lose weight he said "why?"

I said "because I want to be beautiful"

He said "you already are"

Yes, I love that man as much as a woman can love a man she is not married or related to...he is my brother and "second husband"...and for those words alone I will love him totally...

After he said "you already are", I said "ok, because I want to be healthy"

And he said "I can get behind that...you have my support"

And I had it every step of the way...and when GOTTESS came over and brought me goodies the other night I felt so very lucky I had the love of that family to lift me up...

I have had a lot of help to get through this...being a single woman is not easy when you need help to get up and get across the house...so thankfully I had my housekeeper to do that for me...and Twirler Girl the first night I was home...

I thought Ke$ha Barbie was going to help but she has spent her break as she should...visiting with friends and having fun...not playing Florence Nightengale to her mother...and that's fine...

People have brought me meals and food: GOTTESS, Marvelous Margaret, MarvelousMelisa, my Aunt Jane...

and Tamster and JayVee came to see me to make me laugh and Tamster took me to the doctor today...

I'm so lucky to have incredible friends...so very very lucky...

You can't do this alone...you can't be sliced across 60% of your midsection and have your muscles pulled cut and pulled in and have your boobs pulled up and stuffed with fake ones and a little lipo of the inner thigh without a lot of good help...and I have had it...

And I will never be able to thank them enough...or to thank all of you enough for all the well wishes and prayers...

I told my Dr. Baldwin today that I did this to myself...well actually SHE did it with my permission...but I chose to do this...

I didn't have an accident that caused me to have a spleen removed...

and I didn't have breast cancer that caused me to have breast reconstruction...

I GOT MYSELF FAT...I GOT MYSELF THIN...and I chose to remove the damage...

So I don't feel sorry for myself with the pain, or any of the "problems" I have had...because on a scale of 1-10 on how much a pain in this ass this has been I am at a "4" right now...

Now next week when I am climbing the walls to go to spin class I might say "5" but today I am at "4"

So at one week I got to shower...and on Saturday I can drive again....and I'm off the Vicodin except for bedtime (doctor said go a few more days)...and I can lay on my side for a few minutes before falling asleep...and the drains are gone...and the compression garment is not fun but manageable...

So yeah...I'm at a 4 on how much trouble this has been....

Which is a hell of a lot better than feeling like I'm a "4" on the 1-10 scale of "hotness"...because outside now I feel like a "7" and heading towards "8" but inside...

Inside...

I'm a "10"...

Because I love my life...I love my family and friends...I love my doctor...I love my new body...and I love what this new year has to bring me...

Yeah, it's all good...

Let's make that an "11"...

to hell with the scale...that one and the one in my bathroom....

Inspiration Song: "One Week" by Barenaked Ladies...fun little song...a lot can happen in one week...

Bye Darlings...I've had a week to recover...and I feel fine!

Bippity Boppity Boo

Warning: I am writing this blog under the effects of Vicodin so no telling what I might say...and if there are any resemblences to actual events other than my own they are purely coincidental...blame the drugs...

THANK YOU ALL FOR THE PRAYERS AND WELL WISHES...I AM DOING GREAT BECAUSE OF THE LOVE I FEEL FROM ALL OF YOU!!!!

So my fairy godmother gave me my tummy tuck...and now I am home recuperating...

If you need my fairy godmother, her name is Dr. Bonnie Baldwin and she is AMAZING...

I had a wonderful Christmas with my kiddos...Santa was good to everyone...except my son did not get the assault rifle he wanted (he is sooooo Bobby Shelton's grandson)...but there are limits as to what Santa will put into the sleigh...

My Christmas gifts were that I had my kids to enjoy and that the next day I was getting my new body...

The Cutest Boy In the World (TCBITW) went to his dad's house while Ke$ha Barbie stayed with me so she could take me to the hospital the next day.  We spent Christmas night endlessly watching "The Princess Bride" (one of the greatest movies EVER in my opinion) and I got to bed early so I could get up early...and my sweet doctor called me around 8 to make sure I was not nervous and to answer any last minute questions and to just check that I was ok...now how amazing is that for a doctor to call on Christmas Day?

Like I said...she is AMAZING...

Wednesday morning I jumped out of bed at 5:30 am and took my last shower for a bit (until the drains come out I can't shower)...threw on my sweats and headed to the surgical center.

Once I got there and got into my beautiful designer surgical gown they let Ke$ha Barbie come back and keep me company...which was great until she started telling me why she thinks she needs to be a philosophy major and not an architect...

My blood pressure, which is NEVER high was a bit high that morning...she was making it get higher...

Just at the right time the anesthesiologist came into my little curtained "room" and overheard what Ke$ha Barbie was spouting out...she leaned over to me and whispered "that's ok...I have one too...she's a FRENCH major!"...

We were kindred spirits from that moment on...

She got me hooked up to my iv and then World War 3 erupted...

No, not me and Ke$ha Barbie...but rather it seems that my wonderful Dr. Baldwin is the most coveted surgeon that practices at that surgery center and ALL of the anesthesiologists want to work with her.  The doctor I had been dealing with came in early just so she could claim her...

After some bargaining that I think the President and the Speaker of the House could learn a lesson from it was finally decided I got to keep my kindred spirit "knock me out doc" and I was a happy camper.

You know how you have a good feeling about someone?

Well I instantly had a good feeling about her...and not just because she also has a crazy teenage daughter...I just knew I was in good hands the second I met her...just like Dr. Baldwin...

So then Dr. Baldwin came in and marked me up like a road map of Texas and we were ready to go...

The anesthesiologist came in and gave me a little bump of happy juice in my iv and I kissed Ke$ha Barbie goodnight (I never say goodbye before surgery...bad luck)...

They took me into the operating room...I moved myself from the gurney to the operating table...Dr. Baldwin held my hand and the next thing I knew I woke up in recovery...

6 1/2 hours later...

easy peasy...

I woke up easily and sucked on some ice and Twirler Girl was allowed to come back and keep me company...she is an awesome friend...I lurv her lots!

After a bit of recovery time and a feel about for my strange new body they took me over to the hospital.

I amazed the nurse that I moved myself from the gurney to the bed...

Thank you JayVee and J'taime Jamie for all the crunches you make me do...it's my strong abs that were buried underneath the flab that is making the difference in my recovery and ability to move!

They got me settled in the bed and Twirler girl kept me company for a bit and once they hooked me up to the painkiller pump I was good to go...

One small problem...

it seems that me and the drugs they can put into a pump don't get along so well...

I once was on a morphine pump and I itched like a dog with fleas...

Well, now it seems Dilaudid does the same thing to me...but thankfully I was able to be on it for a good 12 hours before the itching became unbearable.

It felt empowering to hit the little button and hear the "ding" tell me I was getting a dose of drugs...

I didn't sleep but dozed most of the night...but after all I had a good long 6 1/2 hour nap so I was fine.

That first night I even got up and sat in a chair to eat my dinner...Thank you JayVee and Jamie and those planks you make me do...

The next morning the itch became crazy and so I was taken off the pump and given a good dose of Benadryl...it helped but it was hours before I truly felt any relief.

I can honestly say that the itching was worse than the pain...

All in all it was not nearly as horrible as I feared it all would be...I mean, I hurt but i'm not in horrific pain and hey, I did this to myself so I better buck up and put on my big girl panties and deal with it...

except that I can't put on any panties because I am in the worlds most compressive Spanx you have ever seen...

Yeah, this is definitely NOT what they sell at Victoria's Secret...I am sporting a really ugly sports bra and a big high waisted girdle...

Hot...but only in temperature...

but then again the "hot" lingerie can come later...

My chest feels like I did a bunch of chest presses...no big deal...

My stomach is mostly numb

the only real pain comes from my abdominal muscles...now that hurts...but again, not unbearably...

oh...and then there are the drains...

that's the worse part...the drains...

if you are the least bit squeamish, stop reading here and skip down a bit...

the drains are GROSS...and pretty disgusting to deal with...and they are like having testicles attached to me because they are at the lower part of my bikini line...

um...not fun at all...

I'm not even going to go into what they do...it is just too gross...

but thankfully they will be out in a week and they will just be a memory...

and if that is the worst part of all of this (that and the itching) then it's no big deal...

So Thursday morning Dr. Baldwin came to check on me and said that everything went beautifully...and from what I can tell despite stitches and swelling, she is 100% right...she gave me the body I have dreamed of...

I started crying when I told her that she was magic...she is my fairy godmother...she waved her magic wand and made me Cinderella...and she changed my life...

because the fat unhappy girl is gone...

and she is replaced with a much happier woman...although right now I shuffle about like my 93 year old grandmother did and have drains attached and ugly compression garments...but even so I am much happier...

She got rid of the last of that sad girl...all by using her scalpel...

I got to leave the hospital about 2:30...I could have left sooner but I was under the care of the worlds most inept male nurse so it took longer than planned...

I got home and Ke$ha Barbie, my housekeeper and Twirler Girl got me settled into bed and I got a bit of rest...and then Twirler Girl heated me up some chicken spaghetti and D'Nice came to see me so we had a bit of a party in my bedroom...me on Vicodin and my peeps keeping me comfy...

I rested last night pretty well...it's hard for me to sleep on my back since I am a side fetal position sleeper and my bad 19 pound Bengal cat seemed to think he needed to be on top of me but thanks to the drugs and getting over surgery I did get some rest...

Today I have been moving slowly, eating lightly, taking my meds, resting, emptying my drains, and just taking it easy...

So there you go...a little magic happened to me and now I am not a NEW person but certainly an IMPROVED person...

Of course tomorrow I might take it all back and tell you that I want to die...but I doubt it...

I know there is not much fun to this blog but I wanted to let you all know I am just fine...and it's not a bad surgery if you are considering it...and if you do, call Dr. Baldwin!

Ok, gotto go pop some pills, drain the drains and put my feet up...

Inspiration Song: Bippity Boppity Boo...from Disney's Cinderella...because the Fairy Godmother sings it when she changes Cinderella into a princess...and Dr. Baldwin has made me into my own version of feeling pretty...

Bye Darlings...just like Cinderella, only my outside has changed...Cinderella got a ball gown and glass slippers...I got a flat tummy and boobs...it's just the packaging...inside I have ALWAYS been a princess, I just needed my fairy godmother to make me feel like one!

Christmas Wrapping

Merry Christmas Y'all!

I haven't blogged in...like...forever...

And I'm gonna be quiet for a while except for this posting because on Wednesday Dr. Bonnie Baldwin is going to wave her magic wand (or rather pick up her scalpel and cut) and create a new improved me.

Yes, my surgery is on the 26th...

I.Am.Terrified.

But I am also excited...and sorta at peace about it...

Here's the way I look at it...all that loose skin is wrapping up and covering up the REAL me...the one who has been dying to get out for oh so long...you know, the skinny girl that lives inside me...

Well, maybe not a skinny girl cause I am one chica who will never be called "skinny" but relatively speaking I will FEEL skinny...

I feel like a Christmas present that is ready to be unwrapped!

I love wrapping Christmas gifts...I love putting extra treats on the top instead of bows (did that for GOTTSON's gift last night...wrapped the Legos but put a thing of silly putty on top and he LOVED it!...so take note...Silly Putty is fun ALWAYS!)...

I love putting on bows...or wrapping things around the handles of gift bags...

And for the last year and a half I have very much enjoyed wrapping myself up in much cuter clothes that are way more fun to buy and wear than the ugly old tents I used to get at "Tents R Us" or "Muu Muus for You!" (actually it was Lane Bryant and Avenue and the clothes weren't hideous...ok, maybe yes they were...).

But anyway, now I do enjoy decorating the little package that is me...especially with heels!  That's like the bow on top but instead they are on the BOTTOM...but they are my little jewels...

The other night I went out with my sweet girlfriend I shall call MarvelousMelisa...she is one hot gorgeous chick...and we met some of her other hot gorgeous chick friends at the oh-so-trendy and oh-so-fabulous Uchi for dinner.

So I walk in and meet HotCarey and HotPam and HotGretchen...who are all gorgeous and all sweeter than they are pretty...

And for once I didn't feel out of place...I felt like we were a group of 5 pretty girls and not just 4 pretty girls and the wannabe...

It's silly because I have been out on girls night before but I think because I only knew my sweet beloved MarvelousMelisa that being among a new group of friends brought that out in me...for once I felt like I didn't look like "theres the fat old one..."

Maybe it's the confidence my upcoming makeover is giving me...but more likely it was that I was with a group of sweet girls who just happened to also be drop dead pretty...

And yeah, I looked pretty cute in my sparkly champagne colored silk top and skinny jeans...

But REAL beauty...the kind that doesn't come from a bottle or surgeon is from INSIDE...that kind of beauty is timeless and has nothing to do with dress size, age, bra size, or hair color.

My mother never really saw that in herself...

I do...

I know I am a nice person.

I am a good mother.

I am a loyal and loving friend.

I don't even let shopping carts run loose in the HEB parking lot...

So when I met with Dr. Baldwin for my pre-surgery final consultation one of the things we went over was that I had to acknowledge that this surgery wasn't going to "fix my life and bring me a new husband"...that this was a cosmetic procedure not a mental overhaul.

And we talked about it...

Because to me it is a bit of both....

No, it will not bring me a man...nor do I want it to.  I have a man in the house...he is my teenage son and he does the things I need a man to do: kill the bugs, take out the trash, and skim the pool.

I do it for me...

But it will change my life...

Every time I look into the mirror I see that hanging flab...and underneath I can see the muscles that I (and JayVee as my head cheerleader and fitness trainer) have worked so hard to create in me.

But I also see the very unhappy remnants of the fat girl.

And I have moved on from her yet this bit of skin..this wrapping...has her still haunting me...like Moaning Myrtle from Harry Potter, she cries for attention...

So I am going to have an exorcism...

And Dr. Baldwin is going to cut her away..and with that loose skin almost 2 years of very hard work will remain and the sad fat girl can go to her final resting place.

Doing plastic surgery is not for everybody...

And I don't judge if you do or don't choose to do it.

For me, it needs to be done...because I think I still need to be unwrapped...like that last little present under the tree.

I lost weight for me...

I am doing this for me...

Not everyone who loses weight wants or needs to do what I am going to do...and Lord knows that after  I come out of surgery I may think that I should have thought a little harder about it...

and then I will say "NAH!" and just ask for Demerol...

I don't do this to be beautiful...like I said, I don't think you can buy beauty...you can buy great things to wrap up with but not REAL beauty...

I do this to complete my journey...

I started as a 300 pound size 26 fat woman who looked 50, felt 60 and ran out of breath after one flight of stairs...

And I will finish as a size 8, 165 lb (yes, that is my weight) woman who looks...45?  and feels 30...and can beat an 18 year old athlete at rowing 300 meters...

I want to unwrap that woman and let HER shine...and if along the way I can inspire just one of you to unwrap the beauty that is you then this blog has more than served its purpose.

But what exactly to I mean by "unwrap the beauty that is you"?

I mean that if I can inspire one of you to push away from the table and make healthy choices...or hit the gym MORE THAN ONCE...or buy yourself a fabulous pair of shoes that make you feel like you are as fantastic as a movie star...or go to Victoria's Secret and get yourself some sexy unmentionables...or throw that pretty lipstick into your cart at the grocery store...or give yourself one extra minute before bed to slather on some moisturizer...

THAT'S what I am talking about...DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF THAT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD!

But if you want to do something that REALLY MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD...

UNWRAP YOUR TRUE INNER BEAUTY AND DO SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE ELSE TOO

Because when we do something for others, we really shine...and that makes us beautiful too...

so do BOTH...

so often we do one without the other...and I think you should do both to feel good.  It's great to take care of yourself but do a little something unexpected for someone else and you will GLOW!

And if all you do is take care of others (which is what I do 99% of the time except for the few hours a day I exercise or groom myself...) it's very easy to forget to do something to make you feel good or pretty about yourself...

JayVee has been home after some surgery...I have been taking meals to her and going to see her...I do it because she gives so much to me with her classes she teaches and by being my friend...and I love doing it for her...and she is my biggest cheerleader for this surgery...so if by making her some chicken spaghetti I can brighten her day, then taking 30 minutes to cook for her is SO easy!

I surprised another instructor at the club with a really cool scarf from lululemon the other day...I do it because although I have only recently begun taking her classes she has always been sweet and friendly and supportive to me...so I wanted to surprise her because she always admired my scarf...(BTW it is the coolest gift ever...vinyasa scarf...I have 2....LOVE LOVE LOVE...I would post a link but can't find it online)

It's those unexpected little fun things...like taking dinner to a friend or giving a gift to someone you don't know all that well just to make them smile that help you to find that inner beauty...

So, you wanna help me recover?

Then post things to me on facebook about how you took my advice and you are doing something for yourself...doing something to make you feel pretty, or sexy, or healthy...AND that you did something unexpected and fun for someone else...

That will make me feel better...

That is the kind of little gift that I want to unwrap...

OK so now that I have brought up gifts again I can see that once again the magical elves DID NOT SHOW UP to wrap the kid's gifts so it is up to me to finish up the presents and get them under the tree...so I will WRAP UP THIS BLOG...

I will be fine...but please pray for me...and pray for Dr. Baldwin too...she's amazing...

And pray that Ke$ha Barbie can find her way to the hospital to pick me up (I will drive us there but she won't be paying attention I am sure)...

I will keep you posted...

ONE LAST THING:  Lest you think that all this talk about ME ME ME should get lost in the true meaning of the season...

God gave us a gift...His only Son...Jesus...we all have better and eternal lives through HIM...

It's not about ribbons and bows and trees and Radko ornaments and lights on the house and Toys R Us and gifts...or a man in a red suit...

It's about a baby...and a very scared young woman who had FAITH...

It's about a REAL gift...the gift of eternal life...

So receive THAT gift...BELIEVE!

Inspiration Song; oh how i love this one..."Christmas Wrapping" by The Waitresses...a totally 80's Christmas Classic...Glee did a great version too...

Bye Darlings...unwrap your beauty...but more importantly BELIEVE...in Him, in yourself, in others...

Put the Gun Down

No...this is not a blog about gun control...

After all I am the daughter of a man who was more at home with a gun in his hand than a pen.  My dad LOVED his guns...we had a room DEDICATED to displaying them...

Besides I save my "soapbox" moments for things I really feel strongly about...you know, like Gay Rights and Marriage Equality...and no, you won't change my mind about it (I AM FOR FOR FOR IT!) so put the gun down...don't kill the messenger...

My blog.

My opinion.

That is what leads me to what this is really about...going off half cocked...

Cause I do it a lot...and I'm working on it...you know...not to pull the trigger when I shouldn't...

I often find myself with the proverbial "gun in my hand" (not really I don't even own a gun) and ready to blow someone away for something innocent.

Texting is one of the things that has lead me to pick up the gun when I shouldn't...

Yes, texting is VERY convenient...especially when you have teenagers who use that as their preferred method of conversation.

I have even had texting conversations with my children WHEN WE HAVE BOTH BEEN IN THE HOUSE AT THE SAME TIME AS ME.  Sometimes it is the only way I could get their attention.

Once poor Ke$ha Barbie texted me something that completely got misconstrued because we both were confused about something.  We had a 10 minute text argument until she realized she had forgotten one little word in the text and I blew up because of it.  It was stupid...stupider still because I was at Nordstrom Rack.  What the argument was about isn't important...the fact that we had the argument because we weren't TALKING was...

I put the gun down once I realized we were misunderstanding each other.

I had that happen again this week but it was more of a "technology fail" than a misunderstanding...I was expecting an answer about something important from someone and for some reason Verizon or AT&T failed us and this person's answer didn't show up until 12 hours later...I thought I was being ignored about something but the truth was the text just didn't show up...

stupid...

cause I almost picked up the gun and blew that person away...and the poor soul had no idea that the text never reached me...

I'm gonna shoot AT&T...

My dad had a bad habit of misunderstanding things and would pick up the gun and blow me away for something I did not do.  My stepmonster was often the "missing link" in the problem...and once it was one of my sisters.  He and I had a mighty blow up over something because my sister decided to not tell the whole truth about something...he and I argued and when I told him until I was BLUE IN THE FACE that I HAD NOT DONE what he was saying I did I finally walked away from him in frustration and got in my car to go home...when he came up to the car (I was married then) to ask why I was leaving I told him that I was tired of telling him "that never happened" and for once to please believe me and not her.

I put the gun down and got out of the car once he apologized and said he understood why I was angry...but I am still not sure he ever believed me.

I've picked up the gun plenty.  GOTT always refers to it as "calling in my flying monkeys" (lucky him he's not had them called on him and I have never pulled the gun on him either) but he's seen me do it.

I have a temper...but I try and keep it in check.

I turned the gun on my ex many times...when it came to the point that I was worried I might get a real gun and shoot him I asked for a divorce.  He's a nice man but one can only live with an unhappy marriage for so long---and because I was miserable I was hard on him.  Sometimes it was his fault, sometimes it was mine...but mostly it was that we had grown apart and no longer belonged together.  We had differences of opinion but the worst part was the indifference we felt towards each other...

So I picked up the gun and ended the marriage...shot it dead...that was one time when I needed to NOT put the gun down...we are both better off for it and so are our children.

I've been ready to turn the gun on myself these past few months because I can't seem to get rid of the 10 pounds I put on over the summer.

Every time I get on the scale I wanted to shoot myself for whatever "not so healthy" thing I had eaten the day before.

Now I keep the "gun" locked up before I get on the scale and I just calmly look at the number, shrug my shoulders and move on.

I'll get the weight off...and if not, well I am ok where I am and better after my surgery...

And maybe I should just take the gun and shoot the scale...

Yesterday when I did JayVee's killer "Pedal to the Metal" spin class and then went and did "Shock Wave" class with Je t'aime Jamie 3 hours later I did want to turn the gun on myself...

But I put the gun down and finished the class and was proud of myself for getting through it without vomiting.

I'm good with a REAL gun...I won the riflery award at camp (my but Daddy was proud of that one) and achieved the highest marksman status you could get at camp, but I don't shoot animals.  I have no problem with those who do but I just don't enjoy it myself.  I've shot 2 deer and a javelina and that is enough for me.

But it's the proverbial gun that I have trouble with.

The times my temper gets the best of me...

Or when I want to give up on something...

or when I someone lets me down in some way...

or when I "get too much into my head" for my own good...

Well, that is when I need to put the gun down and pick up a lily (I like them better than roses) and stop and smell the flowers and let things work out for themselves...

I'm working on it but I have a long way to go...

Inspiration Song: "Put the Gun Down" by ZZ Ward.  Killer good song...it's starting to pop up on tv commercials.  Get to know ZZ she has some good music but this one is my current obsession...

Bye Darlings...put the gun down and don't blow anyone away...count to 10 or ask for clarity...don't be too hard on yourselves...just because you pick up the gun doesn't mean you have to shoot it...