Lose My Breath

yes this blog title is ALMOST the same as a previous...but it's not the same blog...that was "Catch My Breath"...this time I am losing it...

I feel sorry for all of you that are not able to take JayVee's spin class...

or any class she teaches...

Yes, you poor unfortunate souls are missing out on the best fitness instructor ever...

and lucky lucky me she is not just my instructor but one of my dearest friends...

She.Is.Amazing.

Like totally...

as in totally amazing...

Now lest you think I am using this blog to butter her up and she will go easy on me...

wrong...

(big honking noise that means "wrong" or "bad answer")

nope...

She will probably go all "open a can of whoop ass" on me even more..not that she doesn't already...

JayVee has been with me pretty much every step of this journey.  She and the Tamster.

I don't know what I would do without them.

Tamster made me come back to spin class...

JayVee made me want to stay.

When we met she was recovering from ACL surgery so she wasn't teaching spin but she would take class.  She would pull her bike next to me and cheer me on...she and my Amazing Katherine (the best cheerleader...ever!).

She encouraged me to try new classes even though I weighed well over 200 lbs.

I fell in love with her classes and Je'taime Jamies classes too.

Between the two of them and Dimples I got myself back to fighting weight...

Dimples moved away (but he is still my brother in my heart and I can hear his voice telling me "no excuses" when I want to wimp out on things) but I still have JayVee and Je'taime Jamie here to keep me going.  And SweetSally and SweetSallie...

But JayVee has been there for me in ways I can't repay...things that go way beyond telling me what tension to put on my bike and how fast to peddle...

Like taking me to church when I needed to learn something...

Encouraging me to get my spin instructor certification because she knew I sometimes just spin alone when I can't make a class...that way I was safe...and enjoyed it...

Inviting me to family holidays and celebrations when she knows I don't have my kids so I won't be alone...

Helping me after surgery...

Eating crap with me I shouldn't eat and then promising to shred it off me next time in class (and yes she always keeps her promises)

And just generally being a very dear friend...

I hope all of you have JayVees in your life...

I have several...and I am afraid that if I start to name one I will forget someone...but they know who they are...they are the people that prop me up when I need balance and they get me out of the gutter when I am low...

But this time I just needed to thank her for all she does for me...

And for killing me every Tuesday at 9:30 in spin class!

Today I hit an all-time high on my calorie burn and boy did I have a blast doing it....here is a little sample of her playlist...go ahead, be jealous...

"Would I lie to you" (Eurythmics)
"Don't worry child" (Swedish House Mafia)
"rock and roll fantasy" (Bad Company)
"No scrubs" (TLC...I so need to do a blog called "no scrubs"...)
"Lose my Breath" (Destiny's child)
"The One that Got Away" (Katy Perry)
"Instant Replay" (Dan Hartman)
"A View to a Kill" (Duran Duran)

I'm sure some of you are looking at that list and saying "huh?"  but it worked...it totally worked...and she can choreograph like nobody's business...and she can put together a playlist that makes everyone happy and it takes us to that next level.

That's why I "preach" to any and all why I love spin.  Because you can be in a class with a good instructor and go from pure 70's rock and roll to the latest alternative (Bad Company to Swedish House Mafia) and just shred it.

And not kill your knees...

And burn calories like nobody's business...

I have a childhood friend who teaches spin out in LA.  He's totally gorgeous...has a gorgeous hubby and two gorgeous twin boys (the whole family is gorgeous....did I mention they are gorgeous?).  I would KILL to get to go to one of his classes...and hopefully soon I can go to LA and visit my awesome Aunt Gayle and also take in one of his classes. My Tommy...are you listening (reading?)...I'm so coming and you have to play Kylie AND Ke$ha for me and tell everyone in the class that I have known you longer than any of them and I in turn will tell them that you pretty much got me through my last 2 years of college...I love you My Tommy...always will...now go and make a baby girl and name her after me because my name goes with your boys names...I will smock her dresses...

sorry for the personal message but I love that man...

and for some reason I seem to only really love men who have other men in their lives...what does that say about me?

oh yes...that I have great taste...

back on topic...sorta...

I totally stalk his blog where he lists the tracks he plays in class...I get new music ideas from him and then in turn I help JayVee and Je'taime Jamie with theirs...I give them cd's of music I think works and they choose what they like and have fun with it.

And then there are days when I just feel old school and suddenly one of them ends up with a CD full of TLC and Earth Wind and Fire...

Like last week I gave Je'taime Jamie "I Don't Feel Like Dancing" by the Scissor Sisters and I am 99% sure I might have been the only one in class who even knows who the Scissor Sisters are (and I frankly am only that cool because Ke$ha Barbie introduced me to them and says they give the best concerts ever).  But she choreographed it great and everyone enjoyed the song...and Tamster wasn't there to complain about it (she hates my music most of the time).

13 years ago a friend dragged me to a spin class.

I was terrified...

but I totally fell in love with it...it is truly my favorite way to burn calories and clear my mind and just feel amazing...

because when I am done with class...dripping in sweat (today my housekeeper thought I had gotten drenched in the rain)...tired but happy...starving...energized...calories shredded...

well, I am a happy girl...

spinning helped to give me back my body...

but it really gave me a better gift...

friends...

because I got the Tamster...and PrettyTiff...and CuteChristine...and April Showers...and Je'Taime Jamie...and DawnDawn...

and it gave me JayVee...and the Hunk (her husband) and her beautiful children...

and that is a gift that is perfect...

even if she makes me want to vomit...or scream...or die...every Tuesday at 9:30...(and Monday's at 9:30 when I can get back to Total Body Jam).

So JayVee...this blog is for you...for killing me...and loving me...thank you my sweet friend!

Inspiration Song: "Lose my Breath" by Destiny's Child...I watched the Super Bowl with JayVee and we marveled at Beyonce and Michelle and Kelly...amazing...but also because JayVee totally rocked this song with choreography today and I want to do it again and again...

Bye Darlings...I hope you have someone in your life that inspires you to work harder...faster...stronger...better...I have been blessed with several...but JayVee is my chief ass kicker and I hope you have one too!

Centerfold

Disclaimer:  I am writing this blog while watching the Grammy Awards and highly distracted...not to mention that I really need a shower and probably to go to bed...I have only had one glass of wine...but this is keeping me off of eBay to write this so here we go...oh and this is really more for the ladies)

I. Love. Lingerie.

I never did before...

I mean I sorta did years ago before kids but not really...every once in a while I would get thin and hit Victoria's Secret but not with the fervor I am feeling these days.

For years I have been obsessed with Agent Provocateur Lingerie and La Perla lingerie but in my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine spending $170 on a pair of knickers (hey, if you are going to buy British panties they are KNICKERS) or $220 for a bra.

Not that I have...

Or ever will...

The closest I have ever gotten to Agent Provocateur was wearing the perfume.  I discovered it 10 years ago and next to Angel it is probably my favorite scent.  It's hard to find and one that most women can't wear but it seems to work on me.  Out of the bottle it smells totally "old lady" but once on it is soooo sexy...when I wear it I imagine that I am some 1940's "doll" sitting at my dressing table wearing my satin tap pants and camisole as I dress and roll on my stockings...

sigh...

yes, it is that kind of scent...

But that was all I could ever wear of Agent Provocateur (AP)...just the perfume...

Once I ventured into the Vegas store to buy another bottle.  I was hugely fat then (see photo from previous blog) and the shop girls just stared at me...

Now if you haven't been into an AP store before, it is not quite like a Victoria's Secret.  All the shop girls at the AP stores have a uniform of a pink dress that looks a bit like something a waitress in the 50's would wear at a diner.  They also have a black dress but the pink thing is the iconic look.  The whole store is black and pink and smells of a boudoir...it's a super sexy place...they make VS look like JC Penney...this is literally (to me) the sexiest stores in the world...

And the lingerie...

heaven

well, heaven for the super rich...or those who think nothing of spending $200 on a garter belt.

So when the shop girl asked the huge fat chick (me) if she could help I'm sure she was terrified...

I told her I wanted a bottle of the perfume...

and she gulped...

I mean, like I could literally tell she gulped with relief that she wasn't going to have to find some gentle way to inform me that there was literally nothing in the store I could wear OTHER than the perfume.

Now you would think all of that would deter me from wanting to ever own their lingerie, but bear in mind a few things:
1) I knew I was fat and couldn't wear anything there
2) I just wanted to go in there even if I couldn't buy anything but perfume
and
3) I know I am never going to buy a pair of $170 knickers...

But oh, the stuff is breathtaking...

gossamer garter belts...

silk bras with lace that is exquisite...

thongs with tiny silk bows that literally look like they are made of butterfly wings

just google it...

and you will also sigh...

that is if you are a lingerie fan...

It's like the La Perla stuff from Italy...which is also breathtaking and gorgeous and far more expensive than I can afford...

I can't justify I pair of panties that cost more than any shoes I have in my closet

But lately I just can't wait until the swelling goes down and I no longer look like "Bloat" from Finding Nemo or the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters (it depends on how I am swelling that day...if it is all in the middle I am soooo Bloat).

And I need the boobs to drop and settle so I can see what true size I will be...

But I have a longing to buy beautiful lingerie to adorn myself with

Not that I have anyone to wear it for but I do so like to decorate myself!

I want silk chemises...

and little silk and lace teddies

and silk tap pants and camisoles

and gorgeous bras with lace and bows

and a long bias cut silk 1940's movie star gown and robe

and maribou mules

and corsets...lots and lots of corsets

and flirty little baby dolls

things made of silk...and bows...and lace...and satin...and bling...

Things I have no reason to wear...and no man with a big ass truck to wear them for...

But oh I do want them...

I have made a few purchases...I did find a beautiful not terribly expensive silk chemise with eyelash lace from the "Harriet" line from Fredericks of Hollywood...it is gorgeous..and when I put it on I felt pretty and womanly...

I think I deserve to sleep in silk once a week even if I have to handwash it...so I bought it...

And as I type this I have gotten emails that I have won 2 items on eBay...I am now the proud owner of a La Perla bra and I did find a pair of AP knickers that were priced more like VS...I love pretty things but I hate paying full price so if they are "new with tags" I will purchase them from eBay...

But I am thinking that next time I am in Vegas I think I will return to that AP store in Caesar's shopping arcade and not just pick up a bottle of perfume.

I might just tell the gal there "I want a bra and panties' and go have fun trying it on...

And maybe if I have been lucky at the black jack table (that's what I do...I make a deal with myself that I will "win" enough to buy something specific and then I stop once I have the $)...

or if I am with a man who drives a big ass truck who feels like decorating me...

well, maybe I will buy me a pair of $170 knickers...

hmmmm....

probably not...that's like 2 pairs of Michael Kors shoes on sale at DSW...but it will be fun to try it on and feel like I live like that...

And in the meantime I will troll eBay and see if I can't find me a little something to put away for "someday"...

Someday when I am not bloated...

Someday when a man who drives a big ass truck (who deserves me) is in my life and worthy

Someday when I just need to feel pretty

I have a drawer set aside for it...

And I will feel like a centerfold...albeit a soccer mom centerfold...but nonetheless I will feel pretty and sexy...and even if I am the only one who knows I am wearing an Italian baby blue bra with gorgeous lace under my t-shirt...well that would make ANY girl feel like a pin-up girl...

And that is a lesson for all of us women...sometimes we need a little pretty in our lives...a little something that makes us feel like we have that little "oomph" to ourselves.

If you are married or have a man in your life I am making a bet right here and now that if you pull out a little silk and lace he will clean the kitchen for you or go get the oil changed in your suburban.

Go ahead...make that bet with me...

I could use the money for my lingerie fund...

I will win...

You put on a little corset or a chemise or baby doll and that garage is going to get reorganized next weekend...

it works every time...

and if you are a woman with a woman in your life...well, she won't complain I promise...and I'm betting you will have her help with cleaning out the pantry...

It's valentines day ladies...so go to your nearest "pretty little things" shop and treat yourself and your Significant Other in your life...find something that makes you feel beautiful...a bra...panties...a thong...a corset...a baby doll...a new robe...

And even if you just do it for yourself, slipping on a little silk brings out the "Marilyn" in us all...and we all need to find our inner Marilyn...

OK, I am ending this and taking a shower and going to bed before I troll eBay anymore...and I'm going to put on that silk chemise and have sweet dreams...of a pink and black lingerie store that has things I can actually wear and not look like a total fright in...

and that is what sweet dreams are made of...oh but that is another blog...

Inspiration Song: "Centerfold" by the J. Giels Band...remember that?  "my angel is the centerfold"...JayVee reminded me of it the other day...nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nanna nanna nah naaaah....

Bye Darlings...bring out your inner Marilyn...she was the ultimate Centerfold...find your inner sexy and splurge on yourself...you might just get the attic reorganized...or new tires on your SUV...

Catch My Breath

It has been 6 long weeks...

In fact it was really 6 long weeks and 2 days...

6 weeks and 2 days since I was on my beloved Keiser spin bike.

Today we had a reunion.

I'm not entirely sure I want to get back together with my drug of choice...

nah, I'm kidding....

It. Was. Awesome.

I loved every second of Je t'aime Jamie's class...every single second.

Even when I wanted to puke...

Even when my heart rate went to 170 (high high high for me) but I never lost my breath...

Even though my heart rate stayed at 160 (and usually it only "visits" there)

Even when the thought of how sore I was going to be hit me at the 48:28 minute mark...and yes, just a few hours later I am sore...don't care...

Even when she played a country song (sorry, I like country in a bar but not spin class but others enjoy it so I just roll with it)

Even when the sweat was rolling off me so fast I couldn't mop it off fast enough (ok maybe that is TMI)

Even when Tamster laughed and said "sheeeee's back and so is the bad music" when Je T'aime Jamie played my beloved Ke$ha music...and Kylie...but Tamster loves me...just not my taste in music...

Even when I realized that I was gonna have to keep doing it for the rest of my life so I can keep this body I paid so dearly for...

hell yes...

I am in love...with the Keiser bike...

It is literally the only mechanical device I have ever been in love with...

(Oh yeah I know just where some of your minds went after reading that comment and I'm pleading the 5th and saying "keep guessing"...hahahahaha)

I'll rephrase...it is the only mechanical device I will CLAIM and publicly declare that I am in love with...

well that and my rabbit...

No, not THAT rabbit...my rabbit wine opener that Twirler Girl gave me.  THAT rabbit...WINE rabbit. So I can quickly and efficiently get into a bottle of wine with a minimum of effort.

I love the bike and the wine rabbit...

Oh and maybe I should at my Clarisonic Mia and my Clarisonic Opal and my SonicCare toothbrush...

Just call me a polygamist...I have more than one love...

So back to me and the bike...and get your minds back there too because I can tell some of you are still wandering and wondering (rabbit?  what rabbit?...the WINE one...for WINE).

So yes, spin class was awesome and it was sooooo fun getting to see my friends I have missed...

One friend said "you just THINK this is your class"...

I answered him with "No Honey...I KNOW this is my class!"...well it is Je T'aime Jamies class but if she's the queen I wanna be the princess.

My friend the ever-gorgeous MarvelousMonica said "you probably have been listening too music these past 6 weeks" and I told her that yes indeed me and the iTunes have been buddies and that I had handed Je T'aime Jamie a cd full of new fun stuff .  (And chica if you are reading this...it has Fall Out Boy's new song on it...just for you!)

I'm gonna spin on Saturday and Sunday and then on Tuesday I get to have the whole box of chocolates because JayVee teaches on Tuesday and there are only 2 things I am certain of:

1) I might die

and

2) If I don't die I will have a helluva ride and burn 600 calories

and then I will WANT to die...or kill her...but I can't because I love her and her class too much...and besides I need someone to drink beer with while her husband the hunk cooks us things we.should.not.eat.

(Don't even get me started on what we consumed during the Super Bowl...evil terrible awful things that should not be spoken of...things...with...bacon...)

I can't wait...for her class...not more things with bacon...we need no more of that...

and I am mentally preparing for it like I mentally prepared for the all-day Keiser training in December or when I took the spin instructor certification class.

If you had told me 4 years ago that I would be EXCITED about a spin class and that I would actually be almost despondent that I could't work out for 6 weeks I would have told you that you needed your head examined...or asked what drugs you were taking because I too wanted to live in FantasyLand.

And besides, I am still working off the consumption of evil and terrible things during the Super Bowl so I need a whole lotta cardio to make up for:
margaritas
bacon cheeseburgers
cheese stuffed jalepenos wrapped in bacon (see I said there was bacon)
queso with taco meat
BS dip (I call it "man crap"...cream cheese, sausage, and rotel...you don't want to know this)
7 layer dip
mushrooms stuffed with cream cheese and sausage
flan (made by an angel but it is the devil)
raspberry white chocolate bundt cake (from Nothing but Bundt...something else you don't want to know about)
Fritos
corn chip scoops

all consumed in about a 6 hour period...

I heard that the calorie consumption of most people during super bowl sunday is second only to Thanksgiving...I think this year I topped it...

So yeah, I had a lot to make up for.  And watching Beyonce did not help me any...damn she looked great.  Maybe if I had gotten up and done the Single Ladies dance I would have lost a few...micro ounces...

I need to backtrack a little...and tell you about my doctor's appointment and body pump...which I should have started with but I was so excited about spinning I sorta lost myself...plus this blog is never planned it is all just train of thought as the words vomit out of me onto the keyboard.

And by the way I am writing this stone cold sober in the middle of the afternoon so we cannot blame cabernet or any form of pain killers for how insane this all must be...

So I went to see the amazing Dr. Baldwin on Wednesday...she is so pleased with my progress (as am I but I'm not a doctor) and she said I could work out...with restrictions...

Um...can I get on a spin bike?

Yes...

Then nothing else matters...

I can also do weights class.  There are a lot of restrictions there:
no chest work
no pec work (same thing...I guess...Dimples?)
no heavy lifting up and over my head (so squats are done with free weights)
no flies of any sort
no pushups (ok that one I sorta am super happy about...sorry Dimples...he's so glad he's not here for this!)

The jury is still out on whether or not I can do the rowers and return to my beloved Shock Wave class.

I told her (Dr. Baldwin) I felt like I should walk around in a t-shirt that says "Body by Baldwin" on it because I feel so good.

When I was at Whole Foods last week (stop me if I have told you this story) I heard a voice behind me call my name...I turned around to see a friend I haven't seen in about 2 months.  She told me she had heard that I had surgery and asked about it.  She was blown away...so much so she asked for Dr. Baldwin's name and number.  As I am telling her the name and she is writing it down this random woman comes wheeling by with her cart and says "are you talking about Dr. Baldwin? I just left her office from a tummy tuck consult!"

My friend and I busted out laughing...friend says "show her the pics" and I did...

I'm pretty sure she called the office and booked the surgery...

We all agreed Dr. B is the bomb...

So after she looked me over and pronounced me ready for the gym I told her "good because I am going to to go body pump tonight".

She was so not surprised...

I think she only would have been surprised if I had told her "I will do next week"...and I think she was shocked I didn't turn up in my gym clothes...but I had a nail appointment after so the gym did have to wait...

The other great news (besides getting to work out and healing well) is that:

I DON'T HAVE TO WEAR THE HORRIBLE DREADED SQUEEZE-ME-TO-DEATH SUPER HARD TO GET IN AND OUT OF AND A REAL PAIN WHEN NEEDING TO PEE COMPRESSION GARMENT...

Although she did suggest i might want to wear it at night so...since I totally sleep alone (unless you count the cats) and I'm not trying to impress anyone...I will...

So I went to Body Pump last night and sweet thing CuteCasey taught and since he knows what I had done we discussed what I could and could not do.  Thank goodness for JayVee because she called me Wednesday afternoon to help me figure out what I could lift and do.

So I put tiny little "girl" weight on my bar (1/2 of what I normally do) for warm-up and said a prayer and lifted...

It.Felt.Great.

For lunges I just held free weights in my hands or on my shoulders (since it's not good for me to pick up a heavy bar and lift it up and over my head just yet...even with Casey's help) and the free weights kept me from going too heavy.

2 "tracks" down and I wasn't dead yet...

Next was chest...

break time!

I checked my email and felt sorry for everyone else...no one wants to lift weights for 5 minutes to "Welcome to the Jungle" (and sadly not the original) or do pushups so I was sorta happy for my doctor ordered ban on it...

Next was the back track.

I went light...really too light...

But here's what was great...

There are all these "pulls" you do to the chest or belly and in the past my belly got in my way.

No more...

No more..

Go me!

(or rather go Dr. Baldwin and all the flesh she removed)

The "clean and press" moves didn't feel great but didn't hurt either...

Then we moved on to triceps...

hmmmm....

I went light on the bar and was fine down on the bench doing the little presses...

Trouble came knocking at my door when I tried to do a tricep dip off the bench.

Houston we have a problem...

Felt like my implants were going to explode...

So no dips for a while...

I modified with lifting a plate over my head in tricep extensions...that didn't hurt (my chest...but i felt it in my arms).

Then we had biceps and shoulders and I got through those just fine...

And then core...

Hmmmmm....

as I got down on the mat I wondered what a crunch was going to feel like...

a crunch feels like...

not so fun...

But do-able.

With modifications...it will be a while before I am back to reverse curls etc...but a regular crunch feels just fine.

And then came the moment I cried...

plank

In the past when I planked I would look in my mirror and see the loose skin hanging down like a hammock under me.

Gross.

Super Gross.

I hated it...huge motivation for doing the tummy tuck.

I wasn't even sure I could DO a plank...

But I did...

and as I looked in the mirror...

nothing

flat....

no hammock

I wiped away a tear and said a prayer of gratitude for my surgeon...my ability to do the surgery...that I was healthy enough to do the surgery...that I could pay for the surgery...that I had family and friends to help and support me with my surgery...

And I thought :

HELL YES

And then I made the same vow I have made many times a day since I got the surgery:

I will never ever ever be the fat unhappy girl again...I will work to keep this body I am so happy with...

Well, there are still some flaws but right now I am pretty happy...

So my sweet friend KuteKimmie took this photo of me after class...she suggested it and I almost didn't let her but she was right...I needed to mark the occasion.  Most of you have seen it on FB:

So there I am with my very light weight but I am happy happy happy as you can see.

By the way, isn't the top the bomb?  I found a new website for workout clothes:
www.zobha.com

priced like Lucy and Lululemon but you won't see 8 other girls at the gym in the same top ;)

So now I am a pretty happy girl...even though my quads are screaming as I sit here at my desk...

So I will use my favorite combination "cure"...wine and Advil (but later...much later) and I'll be fine.

So as I finish this blog I'm thinking:

"you sure talk alot about yourself and seem to think the whole world cares what you lifted or did...where's the good message in that?"

And no, I don't think anyone comes here to read this for anything other than entertainment but I do feel like I should share SOME wisdom or something...after all I am the mother of a philosophy major (this week...yeah Ke$ha Barbie seems to think someone might want to hear her thoughts on things...no, not really...no one wants to hear anything she says...) and because I am southern and we LOVE to spout wisdom whether it is good or not..

Well, what is the message here?

I.Got.Nothing.

Or maybe I do...

Shop at Zobha...

no...seriously...no I mean it...shop there...

but seriously back to what any of you can take away from this (besides having wasted 10 minutes of your time reading this?)...

Ok...I got it:

You won't get a man who drives a big ass truck unless you go to the gym!

No, that's not it either (but it may be true)

BE GRATEFUL

There you go...be grateful...

for what you have
and what you can do
and what you hope to do

Because if this girl, who once weighed over 300 pounds, can cry with joy that she got back to the gym and can say that doing spin class was the bomb...well, anyone can too...

I may not be able to keep up with the pace or the tension the instructor says to use but I will get back there again...

I may not be able to lift the weight I used to but I will be able to again some day...

I may not be able to do pushups (Dimples is now rolling on the floor grateful that he no longer has me to deal with on this one) but I will again some day...maybe....

I may not be able to do all the core work I was able to 7 weeks ago but I will be able to...

And for all of that...and for all of you...

I am grateful!

Thank you for taking this journey with me...I still have a long way to go but it is so much better with someone in the passenger seat to keep me company...

Thank you for all your kind words and well wishes...

Thank you for all the support...

Thank you for reading this stuff I spout out...

Thank you for helping me...

Get ready...the road is long and I need navigators and someone to pump the gas...

Inspiration Song: "Catch my Breath" by Kelly Clarkson...awesome...because surgery allowed me to sit back and catch my breath...and today I didn't have to work as hard to do it as I expected...

Bye Darlings...Catch your breath too...and be grateful...and thank you

Afterlife

Are you sick of me endlessly blogging about my "mommy makeover" yet?

yeah...me too...

but too bad...you get another one today...

But this is sort of a "show and tell" blog...complete with photos!

So I went to see my Fairy Godmother last week and she removed all the tapes covering my incisions and told me I could quit wearing the surgical bra...yippee!

I do sorta look like the Bride of Frankenstein...

So much so I have been practicing my hiss just like hers but I'm not sure I can ever manage the upright hair...

I'm cut from hip to hip...literally cut in half...

So here's the deal...I just assumed when she did the tummy tuck that she pulled the skin UP...

But noooooo...

so the day before my appointment I was checking myself out in the mirror (I do that a lot these days...I keep getting afraid that one day the image in the mirror will talk back to me like the Magic Mirror the Evil Queen had in Snow White...or that one day it will just CRACK because I am constantly staring into it)...anyhoo...

so I am staring in the mirror and I notice something...

the mole on my stomach...

that is right next to my "new" belly button

(I have to admit getting a "new" belly button was the one thing that gave me pause...because my belly button was, as strange and perverse as it sounds,  my connection to my mother as that WAS our connection when I was in utero...and maybe I am just a weird belly button person but that little connection seemed special...but WTH...I'd rather have no loose skin so off it went).

So I have this mole next to my belly button and I am thinking...where did this come from?

Then it dawns on me...

It used to be higher up...

and I notice the scar from the laparascope from my gall bladder removal is now...

4 inches LOWER

Wow...

So I check the photo I took of myself the night before surgery and sure enough that mole has moved down 4 inches.

I told the doc to check out my before photos and she said it was a great indication of how much skin she took and how they don't just take the stuff from the bottom where it is droopy but she took that and then PULLED DOWN the skin...

4 inches...

That's a lot...

Now I would post those photos here but they are rather graphic and it seems a bit gross...but if you are considering doing this surgery, message me and I can send them to you privately to give you an idea of what happens.

Now why did she need to take so much skin off...

OK, so let's revisit the "old" me...the "before" me...and when I say "before" I mean the FAT me...

Yup...there I am...in all my big girl glory...

Those photos were taken the summer of 2009.  I didn't start my diet until March 2010.

The first photo was taken at Zion National Park.

The second photo was taken on the top of a nuclear submarine.  I almost didn't fit down the hole you have to go down to get inside.  Going down and coming back up were terrifying.

So yeah...I look like I am pregnant with triplets...but sadly my last baby had been born 11 years before that photo was taken...

That is what 300 pounds looks like...

So now...drum roll please....

Here is the NEW me...this photo was taken on January 12...

And these were taken 1-22-13

The first photo is  a side view...and yes I have my super spanxy compression garment on...but I'm not "sucking in"...this is how it is...yay!

This next view is front with compression garment on:

This photo I have removed the compression garment...but I'm not "sucking in"

So I am pretty happy with the results and I"m looking forward to seeing how it all turns out once the swelling is gone...and without the compression garment.

And for some crazy reason I am more swollen this week than last but from the research I have done that is "normal"...whatever "normal" is...

I know I sure as heck am not nor will ever be "normal"...

And I am fine with that...

I'm so glad I finally had the courage to do this surgery and not keep waiting...I had a lot of excuses about waiting but finally I just had to do it.

I was tired of waiting...

I was tired of the loose skin...

I was tired of looking in the mirror and seeing the sad fat girl looking back at me.

So I did it...

So now that I have had the surgery...you may ask: "what next?" or "what now?"

What next and what now are...live my life to stay looking and feeling good.

So as soon as I can I will be back to the gym...I am desperately missing JayVee's spin class...like to the point I cry when she sends me her playlist and I really want to just go and WATCH it because I miss it so much...plus I think I would have a grand time yelling at my friends Tamster and CuteChristine and Jackie Blue and April Showers to "crank up that tension" while I sit on a stability ball.

They would hate me...

I would love it...

I have at least 2 more spin classes on Tuesdays that I can't go to so I might just have to do it.

And I miss Body Pump with J'taime Jamie...wow do I miss that.  And it's going to kill me to go back to it because I have not been able to lift a darn thing heavier than my little cat so I will have to go back to really light weight when I start back.  I lift like a guy...so that will be super hard on me.

Even harder I can't imagine doing crunches or planking or doing push ups...

That will take a lot of time and work to get back into as well.

But as soon as Dr. Baldwin says "go" I plan to...even if it means I can't finish a spin class (at least I would START it), or can't lift but half of what I usually do with biceps (at least I am lifting) or if I have to beg off doing things at SuperSally's Boot Camp (she totally knows and gets it) I am GOING TO TRY and do whatever I can without putting my recovery in jeopardy...

I CAN'T WAIT TO SWEAT!  And I mean on a bike or lifting weight and NOT because of this stupid compression garment.

And after all, the first time I decide to exercise in almost a decade (when I started my diet) I got on the elliptical and did an hour.

I did not throw up...but I did want to die...

A week later I did an hour and a half....that time I did throw up..but I didn't want to die.

I'm a pretty determined byatch when I set my mind to it...but I also need to listen to my body and I promise you I will...

For now, since I can't do much more than "stroll" or sit on my stability ball, I am eating right and trying to be as good and clean with my food as I can.

I still eat a lot of soup...and thankfully I don't have a huge appetite.  I try and eat salmon for at least 4 meals each week and I'm good with eating a lot of veggies and brown rice.

No real desserts...just a lot of fruit...or Tasti Delite...

And I will continue to work out and eat healthy and maintain a healthy lifestyle albeit one that includes red wine (not so bad for you) and dirty vodka martinis (ok that is bad for me but a girl has to have a vice or two...or 12...or 20...just count it as one of my "few" vices...remember Ke$ha Barbie can be Satan and I have to watch The Cutest Boy in the World wrestle).

And I will enjoy having this new body that I worked hard for and paid a lot of $ for...but I also will no longer have any excuses to not look or feel good about myself.

And lest you think I am going to end up looking like "Mama Elsa" from "The Real Housewives of Miami" (Google her...please please google her...and google "before" pictures...) or Cher or Joan Rivers I can promise you that won't happen.

I do regularly have poison shot into my forehead (Botox) so I don't look mad all the time but I don't plan to let anyone, even the amazing fairy godmother Dr. Baldwin is, put a scalpel to my face...

Ok, maybe I shouldn't say "never" because...well, you NEVER KNOW...

but at least in the short term...in the foreseeable future...I do not plan to have any more plastic surgery.

Instead I will keep taking care of my body...use my Mary Kay Timewise stuff on my face...get some Botox when I start looking like I might shoot someone...exercise daily...eat right...pray hard...play hard...drink red wine when it is appropriate...drink vodka when Ke$ha Barbie tells me something crazy...and love my children, my friends, and my life...

And maybe...down the road...when I find me a wonderful sweet man who drives a big ass truck who can look beyond scars and sees the woman INSIDE but likes the outside too I might rock a bikini in the hot tub...and if he doesn't tell me I look "awesome and amazing" I will do my best Bride of Frankenstein hiss....

And trust me...

I can do it...

Inspiration Song: "Afterlife" by Switchfoot.  A song JayVee introduced me to (introduced to her by her fabulous and amazing husband who I would gladly steal from her if I didn't love her...yes, he drives a big ass truck and has blue eyes...I call him "The Hunk").  I love that song...just like I love JayVee and the Hunk.  It is my "power" song...one that gets me to feel really good about life and moving forward...about living my best life...about not waiting...

some lyrics:
Every day, a choice is made,Every day I choose my fateAnd i wonder "why would I wait 'til I die to come alive?" To come alive?Every day, every day, every day I still feel the same,And I wonder "why would I wait 'til I die to come alive?"I'm ready now I'm not waiting for the afterlife

Read more: SWITCHFOOT - AFTERLIFE LYRICS 

Bye Darlings...live in the now...don't wait for the afterlife...I am in my afterlife...and I'm glad I didn't wait

Barbie Girl

I can hear the groans now...those of you familiar with the song...because just like me it is most likely annoying running non-stop in your head.

"Barbie Girl" is not a song you want running in your head.

I was hesitant to use it for a blog because after all it HAS to be among the Top 10 Worst Songs of All Time (along with "Muskrat Love", "The Pina Colada Song" and several other songs that are pure dreckitude).

Ke$ha Barbie used to love that song...I let her listen to it until I listened closely to the words...yowza...it's not a nice girl song...

Luckily she was still at the age where she mixed up song lyrics all the time...like:

(From "Sandra Dee" from the musical "Grease")
Ke$ha Barbie's "lyrics": "Would you put a cat in a net?"
Actual lyrics: "would you pull that crap with Annette?"

She also thought "Baby One More Time' was a nice girl song...until she saw the video...

But I'm not talking about song lyrics today...I'm talking about...

BEAUTY

and

BARBIE

or rather how Barbie makes us feel.

Now I am a HUGE Barbie fan.  I have always LOVED LOVED LOVED Barbie.  I played with my Barbies until I was probably too old to play with my Barbies.  I bought Ke$ha Barbie her own Barbies but she never liked them at all.  She liked her Beanie Babies.  I loved Barbie and wanted a Barbie Girl daughter for my own...

And that is part of the reason I named her Ke$ha Barbie...

She did play a bit with them.  She dressed them up a bit but I always took the shoes away...I lived in fear of Barbie Shoes.  I was terrified that The Cutest Boy in the World was going to eat one.

Ke$ha Barbie knew that I always threw them away.

Once we went to New York and we were in the Barbie department at FAO Schwarz and they had a fantastic Barbie Shoe fountain thing...it was like a lava lamp made of Barbie Shoes.  Ke$ha Barbie pointed it out to my mother and said "Watch out Nona!  Mommy is going to FREAK OUT when she sees this!!!!"

I did literally shudder when I saw the fountain...and then I sat mesmerized and watched all those Barbie stilletos float around in the water...and then we went into the Barbie store there and I was in HEAVEN.

I'll admit it to you...I am a 48 year old woman who would still play with Barbies if I could...and I have my beautiful Malibu Barbie who lives on my nightstand that MarvelousMargaret gave to me this summer (a truly amazing gift from an amazing friend).

To continue with my obsession that I am insisting you share with me, I want you to feast your eyes on those beautiful illustrations by Mattel Barbie designer Robert Best.  For you Project Runway fans out there he was on Season 3 I think...he has my dream job...getting to dress up Barbie all day long.

And I totally would doll myself up in any of these beautiful gowns if I was given the chance...and a lot of hair extensions...

And then there is this one...not a Robert Best but I very much dig her...

In my dreams I look like these Barbies...all perfectly shaped and glamorous and perfectly coiffed and with the ability to wear daring scary high heels for hours on end...

But now that I AM a Barbie girl...with the new figure and all I might just dress up as Barbie for Halloween this year...

I will go as Middle Aged Wrestling Mom Who Wants to be Glamorous and Date a Man Who Drives a Big Ass Truck Barbie...

I'm just not sure how I will get into that tiny little 8 inch dress...

But all joking aside...there is another side to all of this....

Like I said before...

How Barbie makes us feel

Because as much as I love Barbie and as much as I wanted Ke$ha Barbie to love her too and want to play with her, once she started to get older I wondered what kind of message Barbie was sending to my daughter...

Well not Barbie but rather Mattel...and the general public...

Barbie is held as one of the ideal beauties...she has flawless skin, an enviable figure that no real woman can attain, mountains of blonde perfect hair that always holds its curl and stays perfectly styled and she can wear anything and has feet that are shaped perfectly for stilettos...

And she is an astronaut architect doctor lawyer runway model fashion designer President of the United States...

I think she has also won gold medals at the Olympics and saved the world more than a few times.

NO ONE is that perfect...

or that talented

or has the energy to do all of that...

So in reality, did I really want my daughter to admire a plastic doll with an unattainable body and arms that don't really bend?  (How can you be an astronaut if you can't bend your arms?)

Ke$ha Barbie has the hair...and the huge blue doe eyes...and she only stands 5 foot tall but she has a pretty cute figure and to me she is perfectly perfect (when she is not being Satan) and is as beautiful as any girl can be...and prettier than Barbie...

But I don't want her to ever think that Barbie is the ideal beauty...I think there are way more beautiful women to admire than Barbie...

My mother...

My aunts...

My sisters...

My sister in law (mother of my Bella Bella...and yes, Bella Bella is far more beautiful)

My precious nieces

My cousin's wives

My girlfriends

and then you have your usual suspects like Olivia Wilde, Beyonce, Jessica Chastain, etc...

And I'm not sure what message I sent to her 2 weeks ago when I had plastic surgery to turn me into a semi-replica of Barbie...basically turning me into "She Used to be FAT But Now is Improved by Surgery Barbie".

I thought long and hard about it...and sorta feared she would ask when she could have a boob job (thankfully she didn't and the answer will be "when you can pay for it yourself").  

Was I telling her that perfection is what one must attain?

(not that I am anywhere close to perfect...but I am improved)

Was I telling her that "better" wasn't "good enough"?

Was I telling her that bigger breasts and a flat belly mean "pretty" and that smaller breasts and a bit of extra skin are not?

Was I showing her that when you don't like something about yourself you just go and change it with surgery?

Trust me...this all went through my head and still does...

But lucky for me she barely flinched and seemed to take it in stride.  And when she is not being Satan she has a pretty good head on her shoulders...

So as blissfully happy as I am with my new body I do have a part of me that questions whether I was trying to achieve some ideal that I may never get to...

I know I am not trying to please a man because:

1) there is no man to please

2) most men don't think Barbie is all that hot...they realize SHE IS A DOLL

So am I trying to be a doll?

And after thinking on this quite some time I have come to the conclusion that even though I hold Barbie as one sort of ideal of beauty the REAL REASON I did this was not to look like her or to attain some sort of perfection but rather to exorcise the demon of the fat girl and to find my confidence within myself to make the OUTSIDE MATCH THE INSIDE of how I felt...

yes, I am vain...

yes, I want to be pretty...

But inside I feel like a hot sexy pretty girl and I decided to do something to make the outside look like the way I felt...

So yeah...

I'm  a Barbie Girl...

and I'm ok with it...

And I TOTALLY WANT HER WARDROBE...AND THE BARBIE DREAM CAR...

Inspiration Song: "Barbie Girl" by Aqua...one of the most annoying songs ever...but like the song says, "life in plastic...it's fantastic!"...and yeah, I now am "made of plastic" so to speak...and you know what...every time I look in the mirror...IT'S FANTASTIC!

Bye Darlings...Beauty is not a plastic doll...Beauty is INSIDE OF YOU...find that inner beauty and the rest will follow...

I Feel Fine

So...I feel fine...

Actually I feel pretty damn good but I can't find a song called "pretty damn good" so this will do...

I feel SOOOOO good in fact...that today I haven't even taken a Tylenol or Advil...

nope...

not one...

Didn't need it yesterday either but then I had a headache in the middle of the afternoon so I popped a Tylenol.  It wasn't the boobs or the tummy...literally just a headache and I think it was a combo of the weather and that I really haven't had much caffeine...

Last night KuteKaren took me out to dinner.

Before dinner I popped an Advil to make sure I didn't end up in pain in the middle of our entrees...so it was a prophylactic dose nothing more...and really I think the dirty martini I had would have done the trick anyway...

And yes, I had doctor's permission...

although I think I was playing fast and loose with it.

She called to check on me Friday afternoon and I asked her if it was ok that I went out to dinner and she said "no problem...you can even have a glass of wine".

So I did...

She didn't say "martini" (Dirty Tito's...Tito's is the bomb!  And I have always been a STOLI girl...)but I figured since I wasn't driving or taking Vicodin I could risk it.

So KuteKaren and I went to Segari's for dinner...I love it because it is so old school yet the food is great...you know the kind of place where you can still get a great steak and shrimp cocktail.

So that's what I had...actually I had a crab claw and shrimp cocktail with my martini and a very rare filet with a side of sauteed veggies with my cabernet...

And a slice of coconut meringue pie...

Yeah, I went all out...but between the good food and the good company my cabin fever was cured and I felt great through dinner and thoroughly enjoyed myself.

The only thing that was difficult at all was figuring out what to wear...

Because you see I have these terrible sexy and flattering compression garments to wear 24/7...so basically a spanx that goes from just under my bra down to my knees and a bra that makes a nursing bra look like something sexy from Victoria's Secret.

The bottom part was easy...yoga pants from Lucy...

The top was harder...it took 3 tries until I found one that wasn't too low cut or cut to wide at the neck to show the bra...it's like a super sports bra that comes up high and has straps that are very wide.  Hard to hide.

I began to worry that maybe it was not so much the bra as my wardrobe...I mean it's not like EVERYTHING in my closet is low cut or wide in the neck but last night it seemed so.

so this may prove to be my biggest challenge of all...how to wear normal clothes...while rocking these extremely hot (and not in the good way) and very unsexy undergarments...

Dr. Baldwin said that after next week I could start wearing a soft bra or camisole with a shelf bra...no underwires for a while and a sports bra could be hard to get off and on.  I still have to wear the surgical bra to bed for support but that's easy because I don't care what I am wearing to bed right now...

I told her I couldn't wait to try on some of my old clothes when my swelling goes away...she sweetly said I was going to enjoy that and I will.  I joked with her that I just might wear a cocktail dress to her office at my 6 week visit.

She told me to do it.

I think I will...

After all it will still be coat season...I can hide it under a coat...and for me it is a celebration..

Every visit to her is a celebration...she is my fairy godmother after all and who doesn't love their fairy godmother?

Today I have had it easy...and I have taken it easy...I've mostly just stayed in bed finishing up my marathon of Downton Abbey.  I can't wait until tomorrow to watch the new season...

And if you want to borrow my DVD's I am making a list of those who want to borrow it so just let me know...it's excellent...

So I have stayed in bed most of the day except when J'taime Jamie (I know I keep spelling that wrong!) came to see me and we had a great visit...but it makes me miss her spin class and barbell class all the more....

The wardrobe was easy too...JayVee gave me some awesome flannel pajama bottoms (in pink and black plaid with shiny silver...soooooo me!!!!) to wear for Christmas so I have schlepped around in those all day with a Lucy t-shirt...and the fuzzy socks she gave me that match...

I still can't stand up straight but I don't care...and I still have to wrestle the compression garment back on all the time but I don't care...and I still can't pick up my cat but I don't care...

I feel so fine that it just doesn't matter.

And maybe tomorrow when D'nice comes over I will have her take a few photos to share with you...

But all of this got me to thinking about why I didn't do it sooner...

And there are several reasons:
didn't want to wear hot compression garments in the summer
didn't want to not be able to swim and sun outside because of the garments and scarring
didn't want to ruin my kids summer vacation


more importantly:
by Dr. Baldwin's advice I wanted to be in the BEST shape possible
and
I wanted to be at or as close to my goal weight as I could and STAY THERE for several months

But the biggest reason I put it off:

FEAR

I was afraid of it...the pain, the cutting, the downtime, the worry I was being selfish, the money, the fact I have to be away from the gym for 6 weeks...

lots and lots of FEAR

And it held me back

But I have learned something from this experience...

FEAR CAN KEEP YOU FROM MOVING FORWARD

Now I'm not saying fear is a bad thing....fear of gaining weight is why I am eating super clean and healthy...

and some fears are good....like when you look into a murky lake and think "maybe I shouldn't dive in there" or when you have had a few too many glasses of wine and you think "maybe I shouldn't drive"

yes, those are GOOD fears...

But fear of the unknown (when you can do some research about it) and fear of something hurting or being uncomfortable can hold you back.

I can tell you that it is a hell of a lot more uncomfortable to ask for a seat belt extender and fly squashed in a coach seat than this has been...because I used to have to do that...

I let my fear of the pain keep me from doing this...

and now as I sit here pretty much pain free and having taken no drugs today (except for the pleasure drug that is Downton Abbey) I feel fine...

So don't let fear keep you from doing something you want to do...

Now lest you worry that your friend here has become totally fearless and will show up at the club pool in a bikini I can assure you that that will only happen if I lose a really bad bet...but I am going to use this experience to explore and try more things in my life...

who knows...I might even ask for you to suggest challenges for me when I am all healed up...

(and no, wearing a bikini to the club pool is off the table)

but I guess what I am saying here is don't let fear stop you...I almost did and I wouldn't end up in this happy feeling fine...hell feeling GREAT place I am right now.

And if you are afraid...email or message me...I will hold your hand...I'm pretty good at that actually...and by this I don't necessarily mean plastic surgery...I mean fear doing anything...losing weight, trying a class at the gym, exploring an exercise, trying a new recipe...you get the picture...

And if you want to feel REALLY good...email or message me and I will give you Dr. Baldwin's info...because I am pretty sure that she is a real fairy godmother...and I will share her...

So I'm good...thanks for all the prayers and well wishes...I can't run a marathon or do a spin class but I can walk across the house pretty good and shower easily and get out of bed with no assistance (and have been for quite some time).

My mother is smiling from heaven.  She had a tummy tuck and had her boobs done...a few times I think.

One of her dearest friends, CuteCarolyn, told me that my mom was so crazy that after her tummy tuck she got on the roller coaster at the Kleberg County Fair and rode it with us!  Now that roller coaster may not be "Space Mountain" or "The Rockin Roller Coaster" or "The Texas Cyclone" but in any case it was a wild ride.

And my Mommy...and her compression garments...did it...

Now that is some inspiration...

but I will tell you I WOULD fear doing it...but you know...given the chance...I just might...

Inspiration Song: "I Feel Fine" by the Beatles...you know it but you might not remember it unless you hear it...they were the most awesome band ever...my blog...my opinion...

Bye Darlings...I feel fine...really I do...so learn from me and don't let fear hold you back...you might have something awesome in your future if you just let go and DO IT!

One Week

Today as I write this I am off the Vicodin...so anything crazy I say is just me being crazy and not the effect of drugs...

Ok so it's been ONE WEEK since the surgery...the "mommy lift"...the tummy tuck and boob job...

Yeah, I am an open book...not many secrets here...

Do I regret it?

NOT EVEN ONE TINY ITSY BITSY TEENY WEENY LITTLE BIT

Not even when:
I ended up allergic to the pain meds and I itched more than I hurt
I had to drag around drains and they were gross...and empty them...even grosser...
I realized that the torture chamber device (compression garment) is worse than spanx
I figured out that you have to be a contortionist to get in and out of the compression garment and it is not fun when you need to pee...
that I was informed today that I have to wear that garment 24/7 for 6 weeks
I am forced to sleep on my back even though I am a fetal side sleeper
I try to force myself to stand up straight but realize I can't
the pain meds slowed my gut down (ok, maybe that is TMI...but consider it a warning...)
the doctor removed the horrid drains and it felt like an alien crawling out of me
I couldn't shower until the drains came out
I ended up with tape burns because my skin is sensitive to surgical tape

So yeah, that has been the only downside to this...

I cried in Dr. Baldwin's office again today...I told her that she had given me back the "me" I had hidden for so long...the me that was buried...the me that had once turned to food instead of fitness...she and the nurse started crying too...I told her she was my fairy godmother again...and if you need a fairy godmother I have her number...no magic needed...she is AMAZING!

And I told her that even with the swelling, and even with my boobs still high up (they have to "drop"...I am learning all kinds of new things about breast augmentation...email me if you want details because I'm gonna spare everyone else here...), and even with my bikini line looking like an old map of Route 66 that I felt beautiful...

For the first time...

in like...

forever...

But here's the deal...

It's not a flat belly and perky "Baywatch Babe" boobs that make a woman beautiful...and just another aside here---don't panic...I did not go all "Pamela Anderson" on myself...I'm just a full "c"...in my clothes I won't look any different than before...just minus the heavily padded Victoria's Secret bra

No it's not being skinny...or looking like a Victoria's Secret Angel (because I am neither) that makes beauty...it is the inner beauty...

And for me I have always tried to be more beautiful on the inside than the outside...

I don't always succeed...far from it...good grief I am on Santa's naughty list every 3rd day...but I TRY to be good...I TRY to be an inner beauty...

I had a male friend tell me "you are already gorgeous...you will be stunning...but it's your inner beauty that I love the most"...

awww...isn't he sweet?

yes, those are some very great words to get me through this...and I have held on to the last part...the inner beauty part to help me get through...and to stay focused on why I did this...

So like I said before, I was just trying to fix the outside parts that made me sad...that reminded me of the fat miserable girl...

For me it was an exorcism...and she's gone...and now I will spend the rest of my life keeping this body I worked so hard to get.

Because 90% of it was my diet and exercise...it was just this 10% damage that no amount of planks, or lifts, or spin classes were going to get rid of...and frankly I just wanted that girl GONE.

Now lest you think that I only find beauty in skinny woman...well, you would be wrong...

some of the most beautiful women I know are not a size 2...or 4...or 6...or even 16...

I have one friend...let's call her Victorius...when we were teens she was overweight...and still drop dead gorgeous...and now as an adult she has conquered that weight...and is still drop dead gorgeous...because she is gorgeous inside...

I have another dear friend....no names...who makes me so proud because she is trying her best to conquer her weight problem.  She is a stunning woman.  Skinny or overweight she is stunning.  I pale next to her.  But I want her healthy...and so does she.  She has had a hard year...this year she will end the year as a healthy woman...and to that I will cheer her on...but her inner beauty is beyond compare no matter what her size...

When I told GOTT I wanted to lose weight he said "why?"

I said "because I want to be beautiful"

He said "you already are"

Yes, I love that man as much as a woman can love a man she is not married or related to...he is my brother and "second husband"...and for those words alone I will love him totally...

After he said "you already are", I said "ok, because I want to be healthy"

And he said "I can get behind that...you have my support"

And I had it every step of the way...and when GOTTESS came over and brought me goodies the other night I felt so very lucky I had the love of that family to lift me up...

I have had a lot of help to get through this...being a single woman is not easy when you need help to get up and get across the house...so thankfully I had my housekeeper to do that for me...and Twirler Girl the first night I was home...

I thought Ke$ha Barbie was going to help but she has spent her break as she should...visiting with friends and having fun...not playing Florence Nightengale to her mother...and that's fine...

People have brought me meals and food: GOTTESS, Marvelous Margaret, MarvelousMelisa, my Aunt Jane...

and Tamster and JayVee came to see me to make me laugh and Tamster took me to the doctor today...

I'm so lucky to have incredible friends...so very very lucky...

You can't do this alone...you can't be sliced across 60% of your midsection and have your muscles pulled cut and pulled in and have your boobs pulled up and stuffed with fake ones and a little lipo of the inner thigh without a lot of good help...and I have had it...

And I will never be able to thank them enough...or to thank all of you enough for all the well wishes and prayers...

I told my Dr. Baldwin today that I did this to myself...well actually SHE did it with my permission...but I chose to do this...

I didn't have an accident that caused me to have a spleen removed...

and I didn't have breast cancer that caused me to have breast reconstruction...

I GOT MYSELF FAT...I GOT MYSELF THIN...and I chose to remove the damage...

So I don't feel sorry for myself with the pain, or any of the "problems" I have had...because on a scale of 1-10 on how much a pain in this ass this has been I am at a "4" right now...

Now next week when I am climbing the walls to go to spin class I might say "5" but today I am at "4"

So at one week I got to shower...and on Saturday I can drive again....and I'm off the Vicodin except for bedtime (doctor said go a few more days)...and I can lay on my side for a few minutes before falling asleep...and the drains are gone...and the compression garment is not fun but manageable...

So yeah...I'm at a 4 on how much trouble this has been....

Which is a hell of a lot better than feeling like I'm a "4" on the 1-10 scale of "hotness"...because outside now I feel like a "7" and heading towards "8" but inside...

Inside...

I'm a "10"...

Because I love my life...I love my family and friends...I love my doctor...I love my new body...and I love what this new year has to bring me...

Yeah, it's all good...

Let's make that an "11"...

to hell with the scale...that one and the one in my bathroom....

Inspiration Song: "One Week" by Barenaked Ladies...fun little song...a lot can happen in one week...

Bye Darlings...I've had a week to recover...and I feel fine!