The Cure

Hello Darlings...

You know what happens when you are told you have cancer?

Answer: you totally and completely freak out

Do you know what happens when you are told you STILL have cancer?

Answer: you totally and completely freak out

So for 3.5 days I allowed myself to totally and completely freak out...

and then I got up Monday morning and put on my warrior gear and got ready to fight.

Actually I got up and had a giant breakfast because I had to fast for 6 hours prior to my PET scan so that meant no lunch...

and my warrior gear was actually a flowy maxi dress from Target because they told me to dress comfortably and maxi dresses are basically a way for grown women to wear a nightgown and call it a dress...

(met a fabulous gay man waiting in the waiting room at Radiation Therapy and he called it a "sidewalk formal"---I hope he is there when I go back because he is fun and better at the jigsaw puzzle in the waiting room than I am...and I am totally stealing "sidewalk formal")

So me and my sidewalk formal headed back to the Med Center (the only place I can easily get to post-Harvey) and I prepared for whatever they were going to throw at me.

I had to wait a bit on Dr. Angel because he was busy saving lives in the gamma knife surgical suite (look it up it's pretty cool) but that was ok because me and Mr. Fabulous Gay and Sweet Lady with Breast Cancer had a good time trying to work the puzzle.

The puzzle is oval.

Don't do one of those...they are invented by the devil.

When they called me down "my guys" (the radiation tech guys who are the sweetest men on earth because they put up with me and my nonsense) took me into the CT room and Eric asks me when the last time was that I had a facial...

I told him "about a year"

and he said "you get one today"...

and that's when I knew it was arts and crafts time and we were going to make a mask...

goody goody I love crafts...

except all I had to do was lay there....

So they lay me on the CT table and it takes 3 of them but they place some warm wet stuff on me (after messing up my clean pretty cutely fixed hair) and begin to mold this mesh stuff around my head, face, neck and shoulders.

Thankfully Carlos is opening part of it so that my eyes, nose, and mouth are exposed...

I'm laying there having my funky facial while they are stretching it around me and Dr. Angel appears...

I'm not allowed to talk...

I think he appreciated that moment of my being forced into complete silence and likely took a mental note to tell me things when I can't cry or scream...

But then he told me good news....

Apparently I am such a magical unicorn that he decided to spend extra time on me.  So he informs me he looked again at my CT scans over the weekend and feels that the cancer is truly limited to the two lymph glands in my neck.

We need to find something for that poor man to do to amuse himself because if looking at my scans are his weekend activity I need to force him to come to yoga with me or something...but I guess looking at grey blobs on a computer screen is what he does (thank goodness for me).

I can't respond because they are making my Hannibal Lector mask so I just smile and squeeze his hand...

He tells me the PET scan will let us know more and that once I am done with the mask I will go upstairs and get that done.

Okey Dokey....I'm getting good and familiar with the 16th floor...

Carlos tells me he will see me up there with my fabulous mask...

I tell him and Eric that once this is all done I am going to paint it rose gold and glitter it...

somehow they are not surprised...

So up I go to imaging and I get my lovely IV and shot of glucose and am told to rest...

THAT I can do...

after I bit I hear Carlos and I know it's time for the machine....

So I lay down on the table and the buckle the mask around me...

at that moment I am eternally grateful for the hole in the middle that lets me see and breathe without mesh mashing on me.

then they strap my arms to my side and voila...

I am truly Hannibal Lector in his mask....and I tell the guys that...

(I decided to refrain from a complete imitation of him as I was afraid that they would think I am crazier than I am...the joke is on them because I am crazier than they think...)

Into the machine I go...sort of a tube thing...yoga breathing helps...

I lay there and try not to move although the head rest is digging into my head and I am afraid I will be stuck in the tube forever...

once it's done I joyfully return to my car where I consume my little bag of almonds like it is the only food I have eaten since 8:45 am and it is now 5:45...

oh wait...

it was the only thing I had eaten since 8:45...

I quickly check the traffic and yoga schedules and decide my only choice is a 7:00 class and I say a prayer to the traffic gods and take off...

and then my phone rings and I see that the number is Memorial Hermann and I answer it praying that I wasn't supposed to have another test or go back...

but no...

it's Dr. Angel...

(he never calls me himself)

uh oh...

I pray for a second that he's not calling to tell me to come back to his office (that would mean bad news) and I wait to see what he has to say...

well my friends that man is wonderful----because he was calling to put my mind at ease and let me know he had already looked at the PET scans and that he fully believes now more than ever the cancer is indeed in just those lymph glands.

it has not spread...

and he wanted me to be able to sleep better...

because frankly it's hard to sleep when you are afraid that cancer is eating away at you...

we discuss my treatment some more and he laughs that yes I am going to yoga and tells me he will see me next week to start phase 2 of getting El Diablo out of my body.  Oh and he tells me that my pelvic area is completely free of cancer and all my organs look good and healthy...

And then I told him that Dr. Rockstar and I decided he's the boss of me on this and we do what he says to do...and that I will be compliant with him even though I haven't ever given a man that much dominion over me (oh he loved that)...and he reassured me that we are going to get through this and I will be ok and to sleep better because we know just what we are dealing with...

And yes I cried when we hung up...

because at this point it's not so much that I still have cancer but rather it's that it is contained...

perspective people that's what we have....perspective....

I don't love that I still have cancer but at least it is where we expected it and he can "nip it in the bud" as he says and get me done with this.

I still find it rather a miracle he found it at all...

I had been wondering why I hadn't heard anything about cancer in my neck before I saw him but after talking to him the other day when he showed me the scans it is just luck that the scan managed to be high enough to see those glands...and I am lucky enough he noticed it...

otherwise El Diablo could still be sitting there in those glands and we might not know it...

So the plan of action is to nuke the glands and have a little chemo to help it along and in about 6 weeks I will be done with round 2

That's how we cure me...one step and day at a time and with a Hannibal Lector mask to keep me from moving about while the beam hits me.

So all of this got me thinking about how to handle these things that come up in our life that are expected and yet unexpected.

I totally feel so great I thought I was cured and done with all of this but in the back of my mind I knew that those lymph nodes in my neck could be trouble and they are...but I tend to go into things looking for the best so I didn't really consider that he could tell me that I wasn't in remission.

I am a big fan of Maya Angelou...I think she was an incredibly wise woman and she is one person I dearly wish I could have met and spent time with.

A quote attributed to her is: "I've learned you can tell a lot about a person by how they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights..."

I'd like to add: "and being told they still have cancer" to that list...

because after battling cancer for almost a year the last thing you want to hear is that it is still there...

and I have decided that I need to handle it better than I thought I could...because I can't give in or give up...

Another Maya quote that inspires me and is giving me direction is this:

"You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them"

And that is what I will do...I will not be reduced by this pivot in my life...

Because life is always going to have rainy days (and we will be caught without umbrellas or it will ruin our plans) and life will hand you lost luggage (especially if you travel via United) and we always always have tangled Christmas tree lights (even if we are careful storing them).

It's just how life is...and how we handle those setbacks determines how successful we are at overcoming them.

I have two of the best doctors in Houston and most likely in this state taking care of me.

I am with a great hospital system where my insurance is welcome and where all the humans I come into contact with are great people.

I have been blessed to have had every single human who has helped me with my cancer be a truly caring and nice person.  Not once have I encountered a grouchy, irritated, unkind person.

I love my doctors and I believe in them and I believe they are doing everything they can to help me (even reading my scans on the weekend and staying late to read PET scans). 

I believe my Hannibal Lector mask will protect me and keep me just where I need to be receive my treatment.

I believe my spin and yoga classes will keep me strong....and that work will distract me enough to not sit around and feel sorry for myself.

I have everything I need in my corner: doctors, good medicine, health, and lots of love and prayers from all of you.

So I look at this as just a rainy day...and I have to handle this rainy day as best I can...

I can't get mad...and I can't blame anyone (there is truly no one to blame including myself) and I can't feel sorry for myself.

It is what it is...

and so I will battle on...

in a Hannibal Lector mask...while wearing sidewalk formals...

and about 6-7 weeks from now that little war will be over and I can focus on getting rid of Gertie the hernia and El Diablo will have been vanquished by an Angel.

I'm ready...and I know I can do this...

and I thank you all for being part of my journey and praying for me and my doctors and my kids...

Inspiration Song: "The Cure" by Lady Gaga...because Dr. Angel and Dr. Rockstar are going to cure me...


Bye Darlings: life has handed me a pivot and not a setback...and when life hands you a pivot put on your sidewalk formal and fix it while looking fabulous...that's what I am gonna do even if it means I have to wear a Hannibal Lector mask every day...damn thing better not mess up my hair and makeup...