Don't Stop Me Now

Hello Darlings...

Well it appears I am in a holding pattern...

I decided not to get too ruffled about it....

I'm waiting to see what my insurance will cover on what I shall call my "Second Ride on the Radiation table" or maybe just Radiation 2.0

Because it is:
Round 2
Second half
2nd Quarter
Part Dos

whatever...

I have spent some time contemplating all of this and having discussions with myself about all of this coming down like it has and I have decided that instead of looking at this as MORE treatment I need to be grateful that I am having this treatment at all...

Because this lovely little cancer in these lovely little lymph glands might not have ever been found if not for the diligence of my Dr. Angel.

When he told me that the cancer was also in my neck I didn't believe him...and I got so mad that no one had mentioned this before and why was I just now hearing about it (back in April)that I was spitting fire.  I literally said "I don't have cancer there" and thought I was dealing with some sort of quack who had looked at the wrong films...

except that he was truly the sweetest man and in the back of my head something was saying "trust him"

Bless his heart he stopped what he was doing and pulled up scans just to prove to me he was right...not because he was being "a man" and had to be right but because he cared enough to show me that what he said was real and true and that I had to face the fact that the cancer had travelled...

And the reason I had not been told I had cancer in lymph nodes in my neck is because no one knew it was there.

I don't often love the fact that I am basically an Oompa Loompa shaped human with short everything but this is one time I LOVE being short...

because basically it is the fact that I am short in my torso means that the CT scan of my abdomen ended JUST ABOVE the lymph glands that contained the cancer.

If I had been a taller human those lymph glands might not have appeared on the scan

They are on the VERY EDGE of the scan...

and because Dr. Angel is an Angel and the best radiology oncologist in the world he didn't just look in my pelvic area---HE LOOKED AT EVERYTHING IN THE SCAN AND SAW THE CANCER

All of that didn't come to my realization until the other day when he was pulling up all my scans and showed me where the cancer still is...I then realized that I might have never known it was there...

So basically being a short Oompa Loompa with a compact body saved my life...and the fact I have Dr. Angel and Dr. Rockstar ...

So I have decided to no longer hold an ounce of anger at the fact that I still have cancer and I have full gratitude that what might have been missed or overlooked was found and I am blessed by that.  Because El Diablo could still be lurking in my body with no one knowing it is there and it could spread...

and that could kill me...

I'm going to a Peach Outreach benefit in a few weeks...its raising money and awareness for uterine cancer. It's a yoga practice on top of a furniture store.  And it is honoring a much-loved yoga teacher who lost her battle to uterine cancer.

I plan to hit every pose in her honor and dedicate that practice and all my practices while I am being treated to her.

Because she completed her life...I won't say that she lost her battle...she finished it...just in a way that I pray I don't finish mine.

I've been craving yoga lately...literally CRAVING it...

as much as I totally love my spin it's the YOGA that is what my body is telling me it needs...

I don't know if it is the movement...the sweat...the breath...the being one with my body...or all of it but my body needs my mat and the power each pose gives me.

Throughout my first radiation therapy treatments I tried to do yoga as much as possible.

Dr. Angel thought I was out of my mind and told me so....

But it's what my body needed...

and the fact that me, Anice, is EVER saying that yoga is what my body needed is a miracle in itself...because once upon a time I never ever thought I would LOVE yoga like I do...but that was when I mistakenly thought that yoga was about incense, Enya music, and saying "OM" (and yes we say "OM" and there are candles and sometimes incense).  I thought it was a "hippy" thing or something only people like Madonna did...

When I finished my treatments Dr. Angel apologized for ever suggesting I hold back from my yoga.  He saw what it did for me and how much it helped me through the treatments.

When everything else is falling around me my mat is there for me...

My very favorite yoga teacher took a sabbatical.  She didn't teach from the time I had my surgery until the time I finished my treatments.  I took my last yoga class before my hysterectomy with her.  She is my GODDESS.  From my very first class I connected with her on a level that transcended teacher and student.  She is my YOGA PERSON.  And I am forever grateful that she has resumed teaching so I can practice with her again.  When I found out that I still had cancer in me I was ever so grateful that she was teaching that night. I needed to just share space with her.

So while all of you are yawning away at my fawning over yoga I want you to consider something:

We all NEED to find something that brings us comfort.

For me these days it is yoga.

And sometimes it is chocolate...

and sometimes it is a dirty martini

(but yoga is healthier)

When we are faced with something that challenges us we often lose ourselves in the challenge and forget to do something that makes us feel whole and happy.

We dig into a hole of fixing the thing that is challenging us and we lose self care...we focus on the problem and not on ourselves and what else we can do to give us peace.

I do that all the time.

But with this crazy cancer I learned that I can't just focus on being a cancer patient.

I needed to find a way to be a survivor before any doctor declared me one.

Every single Saturday after I had chemo I made sure I was with my favorite beautiful human spin teacher Marvelous Mel and I rode that damn bike despite the fact that crazy chemicals were coursing through my veins.  I made sure that I was there to prove to my body that despite the fact I had endured chemicals that no human could touch (and yet were put into my veins) that I could still do a hard as hell spin class and do it like a healthy person.

It was never easy (although I was hyped up on the devil drug Dexadron) I HAD to prove to myself that cancer was not going to rob me of everything.

It did NOT rob me of my hair because I cold capped...

It did NOT rob me of my holidays because my kids worked very hard with me to celebrate as best I could after just having received my first dose of chemo...

It did NOT rob me of my joy of working with my students and costuming the musical because the doctors and I carefully planned around my show dates and my students worked extra hard doing not only their tasks but mine as well.

Cancer didn't rob me of anything but time...and feeling healthy...

We all face challenges in our lives that are things that are thrown at us that are out of our control:
a storm that destroys our property
death of a loved one
illness
accidental injury

We can't control these things (although if you are gonna do something dangerous then maybe you are at fault if you get hurt).

I have friends who's homes are destroyed by Hurricane Harvey.

It was out of their control and in some cases the flooding occurred not from rain from the sky but because the flood control district released water.

They may not be facing a disease that could kill them but they have lost their home---the place where we all feel safe.

I don't know how you find a silver lining in that because no matter how pretty the new cabinets might be it doesn't take the place of a ruined baby portrait...or a lost wedding dress...

We all suffer losses and we all have things that scare the beejeezus out of us.

And we are forced to face what is wrong and handle it.

But in the handling of it we all need some self care and some self love...

and if we can find a way to let love in...to do something for ourselves that replenishes us...to make time to have a "me" moment....well then I fully believe we can handle the shit tossed our way a whole lot better than we will if we are stressed and angry.

So whatever you are facing now in your life that is a challenge for you, step back and find a way to insert some love into the trauma and drama.

For me it is my workouts---especially my yoga.

Maybe for you maybe its a mani/pedi...or a massage...or a bottle of wine you have been saving for "sometime special"...or whatever...

and don't feel guilty about it...

I make time for my workouts because that is what gets me through the day---the thought that I can let it all go on the bike and/or the mat.

Those hours I take for myself are precious to me.

They keep me from throwing scissors at the wall...from crying in my office...from laying in bed so scared I can't move...from eating a whole cake....

(ok I have never eaten a whole cake at one sitting but you never know with the right cake it could happen)

We all have our "shit" and some of it is harder to handle than others...

and for me handling cancer is something I have no choice but to do.

I don't consider myself brave or special...I'm pretty scared about it...but I have no choice but to put on my sidewalk formals and my Hannibal Lector mask and lay on the table while the magic machine does it's dance around me and the guys throw on some sort of music to distract me.

But part of how I handle it is that I KNOW my doctors are the best there is and they are doing everything they can to cure me...I KNOW that I am blessed to have insurance and that my treatments are paid for...and I KNOW that being angry isn't going to cure me (radiation will).

So I'm not mad...

oh I am not happy about it

(ok if I said I was happy about it I would hope one of you would reach out to me and check my mental health)

no I am not happy about it but I am not angry...and I don't feel like life is shitting on me...

because I have learned so much from this....and I hope you are learning from my journey...

So today take away this: anger never fixed anything but self love and self care can certainly help (I would say yoga would but then most of you would think I have inhaled too much incense or breathed in too much from the eucalyptus towels)...

Before you fuel yourself with anger for something you can't change find a light in the darkness and find a way to do something that makes you feel better so you can fuel how you handle it with love and not fire...

I'm about to embark on that second half of my cure...NOTHING is going to stop me from living each day fully...from loving as many humans as I can including myself...from reaching out to all of you to spread more love and light...from getting on the bike and mat and letting sweat pour out of me so that I can let my body release the bad stuff and heal...

Don't let anything stop you from moving forward...from loving...from making things better...

because if I can do it with cancer you can do it with a hangnail...

Inspiration Song: "Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen...I loved Freddy Mercury so much and he had such a gift for lyrics to go along with that incredible voice of his...

lyrics (because they describe how I am feeling these days)

Tonight I'm gonna have myself a real good time
I feel alive and the world it's turning inside out Yeah!
I'm floating around in ecstasy
So don't stop me now don't stop me
'Cause I'm having a good time having a good time

I'm a shooting star leaping through the skies
Like a tiger defying the laws of gravity
I'm a racing car passing by like Lady Godiva
I'm gonna go go go
There's no stopping me

I'm burning through the sky yeah!
Two hundred degrees
That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit
I'm trav'ling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic man out of you

Don't stop me now
I'm having such a good time
I'm having a ball
Don't stop me now
If you wanna have a good time
Just give me a call

Don't stop me now ('cause I'm having a good time)
Don't stop me now (yes I'm having a good time)
I don't want to stop at all... yeah!

I'm a rocket ship on my way to Mars
On a collision course
I am a satellite I'm out of control
I am a sex machine ready to reload
Like an atom bomb about to
Oh oh oh oh oh explode

I'm burning through the sky Yeah!
Two hundred degrees
That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit
I'm trav'ling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic woman of you

Don't stop me
Don't stop me
Don't stop me
Hey hey hey!

Don't stop me
Don't stop me
Ooh ooh ooh (I like it)

Don't stop me
Don't stop me
Have a good time, good time

Don't stop me
Don't stop me

Ooh ooh alright

Ooh I'm burning through the sky yeah!
Two hundred degrees
That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit
I'm trav'ling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic man out of you

Don't stop me now
I'm having such a good time
I'm having a ball
Don't stop me now
If you wanna have a good time
Just give me a call

Don't stop me now ('cause I'm having a good time)
Don't stop me now (yes I'm having a good time)
I don't wanna stop at all

Bye Darlings...I'm not going to let El Diablo stop me from living my life fully...it's a pivot in my journey but I will not let it define me and I am going to spend each day spreading love...and doing a whole lot of time on my mat doing my beloved yoga...