Be Alright

Hello Darlings...

Well tomorrow is the big day...

ROUND 2

of my little show I like to now call "Getting El Diablo the hell outta me"

Let's play Cancer Jeopardy!

"Alex I will take "Annoying Things" for $600"...

Answer: This annoying thing has bothered Anice for a year...

"What is El Diablo, Anice's uterine cancer"

El Diablo is an asshole because he has stuck around far longer than he was supposed to.

Sorta like my ex...

(ok my ex is not horrible...but there are moments he earns the title of Asshole...)

So basically tomorrow is going to go down like this...I even have it all scheduled out:

10:00  Leave Casa Bonita
10:25  Arrive at 6400 Fannin
10:30  Check in on 29th floor to get blood drawn
10:45-11:00 Blood will be drawn
11:00-11:15 head down to 27th floor and check in with ENT
11:15-12:00 have audiology test as baseline
12:00 head up to 29th floor again
12:00-12:15 get called back to Infusion and get a bed or chair
12:30 or so get port accessed
12:30-4:30 get cisplatin infusion
4:30 go down to 2nd floor and hangout with my radiation peeps
5:45 get sent to first floor to put on designer hospital gown
6:00 get hoisted up onto radiation table and the mask goes on

That's pretty much what most Mondays will look like minus the hearing test and hopefully with less time between radiation and infusion.

And Tue-Fri I will just have radiation...

So yeah, El Diablo is screwing up my days...

I have better things to do than drive up and down 59 (or are we calling it 69 these days?)

I mean I have lots of work to do for our shows and frankly this is eating into my workout schedule and you know that doesn't make me happy....

I remember the days when my kids were little and one of them would get sick and couldn't go to school or Mom's Day Out...I would be so frustrated that my day was messed up...

but then it dawned on me that it was a privilege to be a mom and that my baby did not get sick just to keep me from a fun luncheon or whatever else I was doing that day.

it happened...

a lot...

and so by the time The Cutest Boy in the World tore his ACL and I needed to be home with him round the clock for a week I was happy to have the chance to take care of him...(and to withhold his pain meds until he hit the "send" button on his TAMU application...yes I did that...yes it was mean...yes I am fine with it...)

So even though I really don't have time to sing the soundtrack to "Dear Evan Hanson" or "Hamilton" or "Xanadu" as I travel back and forth to my home-away-from-home 6400 Fannin, I am damn lucky that I get to.

Because El Diablo isn't going away on his own.

I used to refer to this as Princess Cancer but being a princess is not as much of an inconvenience as this has been...but again, I am grateful...I am blessed...

I hate needles.

It is a known fact.

I hate having my blood drawn.

I hate any form of a needle stick.

I used to be terrified of getting diabetes because I wasn't sure I would be able to prick my finger and give myself insulin.

When I was about 10 I got pneumonia.

We were at our ranch in Montana.

It took 30 minutes on a winding mountain road to get to town from our place.

But I got sick enough that it was decided that what I had wasn't a cold but something a little more serious so my dad decided to find a doctor in town to take me to.

They wanted to draw blood.

From my arm.

More specifically from a vein in my arm...

With what appeared to be the most giant needle in the world (it wasn't but to my 10 year old eyes it was)

I was (and still am) a very stubborn child (human).

Especially when it comes to medical things.

(For example---when it was determined that I needed my tonsils out I would not allow a surgeon to touch me other than the OB who delivered me and the local heart surgeon...they flipped a coin to see who yanked the tonsils...the heart guy won but I made the OB be in the room and hold my hand while they put my 5 year old self to sleep...I literally refused to get on the gurney until I saw BOTH of them in my room)

So my 10 year old stubborn self is in Montana with pneumonia and needs a white cell count and I flat refused to give up my arms.

I would have none of it.

My father's patience was wearing beyond thin.

I had negotiated many many treasures as a reward for this blood taking business.

I believe I made him agree to a trip to the A&W for root beer.  And a new Barbie. And a new Osmonds record.  I tried to make him produce those things first but I gave in...

I finally agreed to a needle prick in my finger to draw blood.

But the problem was they needed more blood than that finger prick was gonna give.

I negotiated for the finger prick method despite that and dammit I was going to have my way.

They had to prick each finger TWICE and use a pipette to get the blood but there was no damn way I was going to give them my arm.

My father howled with laughter that I had my fingers all bandaged up after but I got my way...it hurt like hell but I got my way (and my Barbie, Osmonds record, some Love's Baby Soft perfume and the root beer)

and a week later when we returned and I had to have a blood draw again---I gave them my arm...

and tomorrow I will too...the ladies in the lab love my story...and they don't hurt me...so no one needs to reward me with a Barbie, Loves' Baby Soft (I wear Theirry Mugler Angel), or anything Osmond...

I've come a long way from the little girl who made the OB come to the ER to stitch up her hand after her sister shut the car door on her hand.

(and lest you think I had an unnatural fixation on the man who delivered me---we lived in a small town and he was our dear family friend...sort of an uncle to me)

I am more cooperative medically these days but I still insist on all the love and attention my doctors can give me (hence my love for Dr. Angel and Dr. Rockstar)

So tonight I am packing up my little bag I take to chemo...

In it will be:

my peach soft blanket from GOTT and GOTTESS and GOTTSON
my unicorn stuffed animal from my aunt
my Beanie Baby animal that was a gift from a student
my computer (so I can work)
my phone charger (because my iPhone only holds a charge for like 2 seconds)
some hand sewing (#becausework)
my lunch (a salad so that I don't fall prey to hunger from the devil Dexadron)
my yoga clothes (because I have hopes to catch a flow)
socks
slippers
water bottle

basically I will look like I am moving into the infusion center.

I don't care...I insist on being comfortable...and not wasting my time

I have a calmness about all of it...perhaps its my faith in my doctors and maybe it's because I know the routine. 

Or both.

But I do have great faith that this will work...

because without that faith it can't work...

I've had people tell me I am brave...
strong...
courageous...
a fighter...
amazing...
pretty...

(ok I added the last one for myself...although my sweet doctor tells me so because he has figured out that talking to me like a man and not a doctor works better on me)

I don't quite know if I truly am any of those things but I do know that any of you would be strong, brave, courageous and amazing if you were in my shoes.

When you are facing a challenge you don't know just how strong you can be until you have no choice.

I pray none of you ever faces cancer but if you do please know if I can this ANYONE can...

When I first found out I had cancer I said this to GOTTESS:

I am on a 6 inch ledge on a steep cliff.  There is no way to climb up because it is a sheer rock face. I was dropped on the ledge and didn't climb there.  I can't climb down because there is no foothold. I have no safety net and no safety line. There is a tightrope that leads somewhere but I can't quite see where it goes but it is a taught line and goes somewhere. I can't go down. It's a deep canyon full of rocks. I must get on the tightrope to get off the ledge because I can't stay on the ledge. I have to get on the tightrope and I am terrified of heights.  I have to get on and walk. And I have to look ahead because if I look behind I will lose my balance. and if I run I will lose my balance. So I have to walk slowly and carefully until I get to the other side...

I still feel that way except that I do feel now that I have a safety line and that safety line is my doctors and their knowledge...

I don't know how my body will react to cisplatin.  I handled carboplatin pretty well but it was combined with the devil Taxol so it's hard to know which drug made me feel so awful so I am praying that this one isn't too terrible.

Whatever it is and does to me I will handle it...I have no choice...

So tomorrow I return to the arena...

I've got my Wonder Woman gear with me...

I have battled my foe before...

I know what it feels like to sit in the chemo chair...

I know what it feels like to lie on the radiation table...

I know what it feels like to have my port accessed...

I know what it is like to step onto the 29th floor of 6400 Fannin and see the words "Memorial Hermann Cancer Center"...

I know what it is like to go through the glass doors that say "Radiation Therapy" "A division of the hospital" "Memorial Hermann Cancer Center"...

I know what it is like to ride the elevator down to the first floor and put on a hospital gown and wait to be called for my time on the table...

I know what it is like to go to war with the parking garage....

I know what it is like to pack my chemo back and bring it with me...

I know what it is like to drag around an iv pole with poison coursing through my veins...

I know what it is like to have the machine that feeds the chemo next to me and the sounds it makes...

I know what it is like to be in a room full of those machines and so many sick people that are also receiving chemo...

I know what if feels like to have my Hannibal Lector mask on...

I know what it is like to hear the sound of someone ringing the bell that their treatment is done...

and I now know what it takes to get to the point of ringing that bell and the hell you go through to do it...

and I know that once again I will ring that bell...both upstairs in chemo and down in radiation...

Being a cancer patient is being a warrior...

you battle...

you fight....

you win and you lose...

and the arena may be full of spectators that love you but only you can be on the floor of the arena and fight the battle against the terrible foe...

So tomorrow my Wonder Woman gear will be a sidewalk formal (because it is super comfy like a nightgown) and my battle gear will be my blanket, toys, socks, and slippers...

and my battle trainers are my doctors and nurses...

And I will drive to 6400 Fannin, I will find a damned decent parking spot, I will grab my giant bag and drag it with me to the 29th floor.  I will give blood.  I will ride the elevator down and get a hearing test.  I will go back upstairs and get chemo and then I will end my day in radiation.

I will battle.

I will fight.

I will win.

I'm gonna be alright...

Inspiration Song: "Be Alright" by Ariana Grande...because I love her...and because this song makes me happy...because the words move me...and because I'm gonna be alright...

lyrics:

Say
(Sometimes) midnight shadows
When finding love is a battle
But daylight is so close
So don't you worry 'bout a thing

We're gonna be alright
Hey
We're gonna be alright
Oh yeah, oh yeah
We're gonna be alright

Baby, don't you know
All o'them tears gon' come and go
Baby you just gotta make up your mind
That every little thing is gonna be alright
Baby, don't you know
All o'them tears gon' come and go
Baby you just gotta make up your mind
We decide it

We're gonna be alright
Hey
We're gonna be alright
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Hey
We're gonna be alright

In slow motion
Can't seem to get where we're going
But the hard times are golden
'Cause they all lead to better days

We're gonna be alright
Hey
We're gonna be alright
Yeah
Oh yeah, oh yeah
We're gonna be alright

Baby don't you know
All them tears gon' come and go
Baby you just gotta make up your mind
That every little thing is gonna be alright
Baby don't you know
All them tears gon' come and go
Baby, you just gotta make up your mind
We decide it

We're gonna be alright
Hey
We're gonna be alright
Ooh baby, oh yeah
We're gonna be alright
We're gonna be alright, yeah

Bye darlings...I'm gonna be alright...it may take a few more weeks but I'm gonna get there...in my sidewalk formal and Hannibal Lector mask I'm gonna let Dr. Angel and Dr. Rockstar work their magic and I will be alright...