Survivor

Hello Darlings...

Well...damn...hell...all the bad words...

pull up a chair, grab a drink and I will tell you what is going on. 

Wish I had good fun news to tell you but that is not how this is gonna go.  So right now if you are suffering with your own troubles you might want to just avoid mine...

So yesterday I had a very important doctor's appointment...

It was my 6 week follow up with my radiology oncologist.

I just KNEW he was gonna give me good news.

I was so positive I was gonna get good news that I have a bottle of Veuve Cliquot in the fridge, I put on a pretty dress and fixed my hair...

hell---I put on HEELS

I went DANCING into that office...

I was in the best mood.

The.Best.Mood.

I hugged all my people and twirled around in my cute dress.

And then I waited...and I never wait there...

but time was passing and I knew they were very backed up from the storm.

No biggie...

I had all the time in the world to wait and see my Dr. Angel and hear him say the magic words!

What are the "magic words" you ask?

"Cured"
"Remission"
"No Sign of Disease"
"No more cancer"
"The cancer is gone"

Those are magic words...better than abracadabra or any Harry Potter "expeliamus"

I finally go downstairs, get my designer hospital gown on and spy my precious Dr. in the hallway...he always greets me with big hugs but this time I got a bit of a distracted hug and not my usual smile...

I chalked it up to a very long day...

I go into the exam room and wait...

a few minutes later he walks into the room and hugs me again---this time with more of the usual love I feel from him.

I look him in the eye, smile and say:

"tell me the good news!"

and what I see in his face said it all...

the news...

not
good
at
all

When you doctor holds you and says "well..."

well---damn...shit...hell...all the bad words...

he looks at me with a sad smile and says "you know those lymph glands in your neck?  They are growing again.  I believe the tumor is active in those lymph glands."

I cry

he and the nurse hold me

I get my act together so he can examine me and he acknowledges that I look really good and that I am healing great from the radiation and that yes indeed I have a very large abdominal hernia...

but then there is the stupid lymph glands...

so he tells me to get dressed and meet him in his office...

that's never a good sign is it?  meet your doc in his office?

I've been in his office before but it was for the happy day that I had finished my radiation treatments and gave him his gift of a crystal angel.

He unwrapped the gift and said "this angel will stay on my desk"

I was happy to see that she was still there when I walked into his office...

he has 3 very large computer screens in there and he starts pushing buttons and my scans appear...

all I see is a lot of grey and black and white blobs...I have no clue what I am looking at...

I did notice on one scan that I look fat so that image is now burned in my brain and is my motivation to continue to lose weight...

Without going into all the details you don't need to know here are the facts:

Back in late April Dr. Angel told me that he felt strongly that I had cancer in two of the lymph glands in my neck area.  He said the images weren't great of that area but he was pretty convinced there was cancer there.  He felt at that time that the chemo had shrunk the tumors in the lymph gland and that we would watch the area carefully but he would not radiate them at that time because: 1) I was already going to have a lot of radiation and 2) why radiate there when they had shrunk.

So back then he told me we would treat my pelvic area and hope that the lymph glands in my neck stayed small.

They didn't...

so now they are growing again and he has good images that show it and so it's time to treat those lymph glands.

Basically I get to do radiation again but instead of laying on the table with my naked booty exposed and having a full bladder I get to wear a beautiful Hannibal Lector mask and be very very still so that the beam doesn't hit my carotid aretery.  Because sadly one of the glands is so close to that artery that it's dangerous and might be dangerous to try to remove surgically...

I got lots of hugs from him and his staff and please know I am in the best hands possible.  The man is as good as it gets with radiation and if anyone can cure me it is my Dr. Angel....

I saw my regular oncologist today and she told me that this is more of a progression of my disease than a recurrence.

Not sure how to take that but I take it as a lateral move instead of a step forward or back.

She explained that they will give me chemo while I do the radiation.

Thankfully this chemo will not make me lose my hair but it will make me nauseous and a bit tired.

I also have to take the stupid steroid with it but she understands my reluctance to take it because of all the weight I gained.

So we compromised and I will take the minimum of the steroid...

So basically I will go get nuked Monday-Friday and then every Monday or Tuesday I will go upstairs and get my infusion. 

I can still work and workout. 

I don't have to cold cap because this drug will not make me lose my hair...might make me lose my hearing but not my hair.

I'll be having infusions of cisplatin and it will help the radiation.  I love that there is platinum going into me...now how about some diamonds to go with it?

So hopefully this will cure me and get rid of it once and for all...

and if it doesn't then we try regular chemo again...

and if that doesn't work we try surgically removing the lymph glands...

you might wonder why they don't just yank those things out but apart from being dangerously close to a major artery losing those lymph glands could also cause lymphedema, swelling, and possibly nerve damage and not much use of my left arm.

So we are going to try the nuking it route first...

And mind you Dr Rockstar is aptly named because she is a rock star of a doctor and a total badass...she's the mom to 5 year old twins so her badass-ness is even more so...she is totally the person God put me with because he made her to cure me along with Dr. Angel...

So in a nutshell: more radiation and more chemo...

Basically I well get this fabulous mask that will keep me in place and the machine will do it's little dance around me like it did before. I am claustrophobic so they have promised me they will cut out a hole for my face so I won't feel like I am being smothered by an octopus while laying on the table.

I teased the guys at radiation that I missed them so much I decided to have my cancer come roaring back so I could hang out with them again...they are the sweetest and I got lots of hugs in response...

So now you are probably wondering how I am handling all of this?

Well---damn...shit....hell...

not very well...

I'm giving myself exactly 48 hours to have a pity party.  I've used up 27 hours of it so far.

I'm allowed to cry...drink...throw things...eat chocolate...and be as pissed off as I want.

And then on Sunday it ends...

and I put on my warrior gear and I get ready to battle again.

Because you see there is NO OTHER OPTION OTHER THAN TO WIN

I do not have the option to give up and give in...

I will not f'ing let cancer get me.

Last year at this time I thought my second chance at life was just ahead of me...The Cutest Boy in the World was in college and I was finally free to find romance and lose some weight and have some fun...

but I felt crappy...

and then...

cancer...

it was just almost exactly a year ago that my symptoms started and I knew something was wrong.  The bleeding was happening and I was feeling tired and not able to lose weight.

And so here I am a year later and I feel great and I have lost weight and I am more than ready to reclaim all the time I lost to cancer...

but it's going to have to wait...

because this warrior isn't done with her fight and until I am totally victorious I need to stay in the battle and wage on...

So let's call this an unplanned lateral move and a little setback to my getting my life back and moving forward.

I know God has this all in His plan for me and that I have the best team of doctors and prayer warriors any one could ever have.

I'm going to go through this treatment AND then I am going to get rid of Gertie the Hernia (KuteKaren named the hernia that) and then maybe by Christmas I can move forward with my future...as for Gertie she is the size of a baby head so I pretty much look like John Hurt did in "Alien" right before the alien burst through his belly...yes, it is that big...and yes it looks weird...

I'm sure there is a very sweet man out there that won't mind loving a woman who has a roadmap of scars on her body...who's neck is scarred from radiation...who's spent over a year battling something that tried to kill her...

I'll find a man who drives whatever the hell he wants (I don't care if it is a big ass truck anymore) and he will bring me lilies and will know that the woman he is with has been to hell and back to live.

I'll find a man who will know why I might wake up each morning scared that it's the day the cancer comes back and he will also know why I might cry at night or have nightmares...

I'll find a man who will understand why some days I might not want to wait until tomorrow to do something...because for me tomorrow has not been promised...

I will never call myself a cancer victim.

I am a cancer survivor.

This shit isn't going to kill me...I can't let it...

I know that my "second life" is just before me...it's just a little further out of reach than I had planned and it's taking longer to get there but I will get there.

I didn't go through all of this to not come out stronger and better for it.

So Monday I will put on another pretty dress and I will take myself down to 6400 Fannin and I will let Dr. Angel start the next step of my journey for me.  I'm gonna make fighting cancer look GOOD so I will dress up like it's a party because it is a party---a cancer killing party and he's going to figure out how to have the party end with me dancing in glitter...

I'm ok...

I'll get through this...

it's just another step in the path of my journey...

the journey is not the one I thought I was on but it's the one I have been given...

so I will walk, crawl, slither, roll, ride, drive, run, or WHATEVER to get down this path and on to the next part of my life...

And to quote my Queen Bey:

I'm a survivor
I'm not gon' give up
I'm not gon' stop
I'm gon' work harder
I'm a survivor
I'm gonna make it
I will survive
Keep on survivin'

I will win...it make take a little longer but I will win...

Inspiration Song; "Survivor" by Destiny's Child...because Beyoncé...and because I am a survivor and I'm gonna make it...

Bye darlings---pray for me, for my doctor's, for my kids, for my team, and for everyone fighting this terrible disease.  I might need some help in the next few weeks but for now I ask for some peace (not a lot of questions please) and prayers...