Hi darlings...
So yesterday I unloaded on how lost I am feeling right now...
It's crazy that all I wanted was to get through my cancer treatments and now I am terrified that I am done and worried and scared out of my mind that I will wake up tomorrow and it will have come back.
Cancer is a mind f**k...sorry for the bad word but it is the best word for it...
I'm still trying to process everything I have been through for the past 9 months...I go back and read my old blogs and I can feel all the pain I felt at the time I wrote them...
so
much
pain
and
so
much
fear
I honestly marvel now that I made it through because I think of myself as very much a child and scared of everything...
cockroaches can literally paralyze me with fear...fear to the point I shake...and it's a damn bug...
I'm so scared of heights I can't get on a ladder or stand on a chair. GOTT once asked me to stand on a ladder so he could focus a light and he heard a banging noise and asked what it was and it was ME ON THE LADDER SHAKING SO HARD THE LADDER WAS BANGING...
I'm afraid every time I get on a plane and if I travel alone I feel like I'm a child and I need an escort...
I'm afraid of needles... and even after all the needle sticks I have had over the last 9 months I still whine when I have a blood draw and I have to have a numbing shot before they access my port...
I was terrified of the chemo and radiation.
T
E
R
R
I
F
I
E
D
TERRIFIED
TERRIFIED
TERRIFIED
I was afraid I would be terribly sick.
I was afraid I was going to lose my hair (thanks to cold capping I did not) and that I would get sick (thanks to good meds I didn't) and that I would gain weight (ugh...yes...5 lbs each round).
I was afraid radiation would burn me (it didn't) and that it would make me sick (only mildly nauseated) or have lower gut issues (my heavily veggie diet aggravated that so that was my fault). I was afraid my bowel and bladder would suffer permanent damage (I'm fine) and that it would hurt (it didn't). I told my radiation oncologist I was afraid of what he was going to do to me and that I would be messed up after and that I didn't want to feel crappy again...
guess what---none of that happened...(Dr. Angel is such an angel---he took good care of me).
I still have big doctor crushes on Dr. Rockstar and now Dr. Angel----because all the things I feared were just that---fears. They made sure I was ok and I am...
One of the things that also caused me anxiety was the fear that I was going through this alone without a partner. I even whined about it in a blog.
But I was blessed beyond belief to have a web of support that goes above and beyond what a boyfriend/lover/partner could have done for me.
I didn't go through this alone...I had so much love and support and help that I will never be able to repay it.
KuteKaren has been by my side through many doctor appointments and held my hand when I had to hear bad news. She went with me to meet Dr. Angel and calmed me down when I had to hear hard things.
TwirlerGirl was by my side through each and every chemo. She put my cold caps on and fetched me food. I have hair because she worked damn hard for it. She let me cry on the phone to her nonstop and has listened to me whine and fuss for hours at a time. She brought me home from every chemo and settled me in at home when I was tired from all the poison in me.
WonderWoman (who kicked ovarian cancer in the ass) came down on my last chemo to give me love and support. She counseled me through chemo and her honesty is probably why I got through it so well because I was prepared for what was coming.
GOTT and GOTTESS have lifted me up with so much love I am beyond blessed to call them my chosen family. GOTT knew I was sick and did everything possible to help me through it at work and during our shows. I am blessed that I get to go to work and be with my best friend.
TerrificTrish came into my life in the most perfect way possible. We met at spin class! I met my soul sister at my sanctuary and in the perfection that is our friendship she had uterine cancer and THE SAME DOCTORS I HAVE! Yes! She had Dr. Rockstar and Dr. Angel to save her life too! Dr. Rockstar LOVES that we met at spin and Dr. Angel is highly amused that we are friends. He's mildly afraid of us and one day we will terrify that poor dear man by showing up at his office together to thank him for being awesome.
My students have been amazing through all of this. I love them beyond measure and they took such care to help me and love me through it all. They got flu shots to protect me, they stayed away when I was sick, they sent me messages to keep me going, they worked when I couldn't, they gave me such love that I can't believe I get to love them all...
My friends at school have been amazing. The Music Man (our choir and music director) and SweetLisa (the department assistant) took such great care of me and gave me amazing hugs and love. They checked on me constantly and helped me as much as they could. The chaplain at school prayed with and for me and teachers who knew of my battle prayed for me and lifted me up. I'm so blessed.
My children have been so incredible through all of this...it was harder on them than anyone and they were so brave and fabulous. I fought this battle for THEM and I won for THEM and each time when I wanted to give up I didn't give up because I need to live to be their mom...
JayVee, SweetSuzanne, PrettyPhyllis, my "Aunt" Susan, my "moms" Shari and Jo, and so many friends held me up when I wanted to just lay down and give up.
My housekeeper Su took such amazing care of me. She played nurse, she cooked for me, she did everything possible to help me. She's my sister from another mister and so much more than my housekeeper...she gave me love beyond what I deserve.
I had incredible doctors who have incredible teams and nurses and assistants who never made me feel like I was alone in my fight. They made me feel like they were battling with me and took such incredible care of me. Everyone from the beautiful receptionist to the nurses to the doctors made me feel so safe each and every day...
My Aunt Jane has been by my side throughout ALL of this. She slept at the hospital with me. She goes to the doctor appointments. She took me to chemo and radiation. She's been better support to me than my own mother would have been. I could not have done this without her.
My mother would have been a hot mess with this. First of all she would have gone all Shirley MacLaine in Terms of Endearment with the nurses at the hospital. It would have happened. There would have been some screaming and pounding on the nurses station desk that I was in pain and needed the pain medication. She would have been glorious at it.
She also would have been all about Debbie with it.
Instead of "My DAUGHTER has cancer"
it would have been:
"MY daughter has cancer"
yes, it would have been all about her...but that's ok...but I am very glad I had my Aunt Jane there for me...she has been "my person" all of my life when it comes to the person who looks after me the most.
Would it have been nice to have someone to hold me when I hurt? To kiss away the pain and fear? To hold me in bed when I couldn't sleep? To say "I love you" before poison was poured into my veins? To tell me I was still pretty when I was fat and bloated and losing some hair and pale and sickly? To say "baby you are strong and I am here for you?"
hell yes...
but that was not how this worked out...
and after all I have been through I now see how God has forged me in fire to be ready for that relationship when it happens...
and maybe he won't have blue eyes
and maybe he won't have dimples
and maybe he won't drive a big ass truck
he might have glasses and drive a sedan....
who knows...
but I do know that whoever it is that God has for me he will have to be a very understanding man because he didn't go through the fire with me and so there are things he will not know...but hopefully he will see a woman who burned to be alive and will admire the fire and fight I have inside me.
I've learned so much from having cancer.
But one of the greatest lessons I have learned is that you are not alone even if you feel like your are.
There are dark dark moments in our lives. Times we think that NOTHING and NO ONE can help us out of the darkness.
It doesn't just have to be cancer...that just happens to be what my burden was.
Everyone has moments of despair...
of feeling alone...
of feeling like no one understands...
feeling like you are the only person who knows what something feels like...
THOSE moments happen to all of us.
But we are not alone...
someone is always there...it may not be who you expect...or maybe it is...
but SOMEONE will be there for you...
and, because I am a woman of faith, I know that GOD is there too.
I was telling JayVee today that I know God did not give me cancer to punish me.
There is a purpose to me going through it.
Maybe it is to help others by telling my story...maybe it will get someone to the doctor...
or maybe it is to spread the word about cold capping...
or maybe it is because my doctors learned something about cancer because of my case...
maybe it was to refine me for what is next to come in my life...
or maybe who is to come in my life...
whatever the reason is I know it was not a punishment and it was not because I deserved to have to suffer.
Millions of people get cancer...some, like me, are lucky...and some, sadly, are not...
cancer is vicious and ugly...but those of us who have survived are new people...we have been through a refinement that can only come out of a scary dark place.
But everyone has a scary dark place and it doesn't have to be medical.
My scary dark place was cancer...yours might be something very different.
But just know that in your life you have people who will hold you up when you can't stand.
People who will pull you to shore when you can't swim...
People who will sing for you when you can't sing...
People who will take time for you...
you are not alone...
and I am here...
Thank God---I.Am.Here.
Thank you all for being "here" for me when I needed love and support...all of you who read my blogs, who post on social media, who called and texted, all of you who prayed for me...I love and appreciate you more than you will ever know...
when I was broken and on the ground...thanks to all of you I was found...
Inspiration song: "You Will Be Found" from the musical "Dear Evan Hansen". I'm obsessed with that musical and this song in particular. The words are beautiful...here are some of them:
Have you ever felt like nobody was there?
Have you ever felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere?
Have you ever felt like you could disappear?
Like you could fall, and no one would hear?
Well, let that lonely feeling wash away
Maybe there's a reason to believe you'll be okay
'Cause when you don't feel strong enough to stand
You can reach, reach out your hand
And oh, someone will coming running
And I know, they'll take you home
Even when the dark comes crashing through
When you need a friend to carry you
And when you're broken on the ground
You will be found
So let the sun come streaming in
'Cause you'll reach up and you'll rise again
Lift your head and look around
You will be found
You will be found
You will be found
You will be found
You will be found
Bye Darlings---I thought I was in this fight alone but I wasn't...I had all of you to pick me up off the ground and keep me going...
Monday, July 31, 2017
Sunday, July 30, 2017
Feels
Hellloooooo Darlings!
I have resolved to get back to blogging so here I am...and hopefully I won't be blogging much more about Uterine Pappilary Serous Carcinoma because...
(insert a drumroll here in your head):
I AM DONE WITH MY CANCER TREATMENTS!!!!
(now mentally throw a lot of glitter and confetti around and do a little dance...I will wait....)
That's right...I finished my cancer treatments!
I officially finished on Thursday, July 27 at about 12:30.
I even got a cute little certificate signed by Dr. Angel to forever remind me of what I have been through.
So after:
6 rounds of Taxol and Carboplatin chemotherapy...
25 external beam radiation treatments
3 brachytherapy treatments (I'm gonna let you Google it...he used a Capri unit to do it...)
a complete hysterectomy
5 lymph glands removed
untold number of pills
lots of blood tests
several CT scans
hours of freezing my scalp to keep my hair
and 30 lbs gained and now thankfully lost
hours and hours and hours spent at 6400 Fannin and driving to and from there
I AM A CANCER SURVIVOR
(throw some more glitter around...dance a bit more...)
but here's the weird part....
I don't know how I feel about it.
I feel a little lost...
and I know that sounds COMPLETELY INSANE
For the better part of 9 months I have been fighting for my life and trying to be cured.
It has pretty much been the focus of my life for these 9 months except for a few brief weeks in May between treatments and in January and February when I was so immersed in my show that cancer was like a pesky gnat but I just kept swatting it away.
For 5 weeks I spent Monday-Friday planning my life around when I would go to 6400 Fannin and let Dr. Angel and his team nuke me. It took up a good portion of my day because you don't just walk in, flop on the table and then leave...you have to see Dr. Angel and the nurses regularly...the table gets backlogged because someone is late...
and don't even get me started on parking in that damn parking garage...I've spent hours seeking a parking space there until a learned a little trick...message me if you have to go there and I will share what I have learned...
Cancer treatments made me alter how I ate...what I ate...IF I ate...
I had to back off of my workout during chemo and had to give up yoga...
I spent hours in my recliner just trying to rest and get my strength back...
I spent restless nights feeling crappy...or scared to death...
I lost my strength, I gained a ton of weight, and I lacked energy to do much except try to get well.
But now, thankfully, I am done with it!
But cancer doesn't just mess with you physically....
until you have found yourself at 2 am Googling the thing that is trying to kill you and what the survival rates are you don't know just how scared you can be...
or when a doctor tells you the survival rate for your cancer is 10 years and you realize that means you might die before you get to have the senior rate at the museum...
or when they tell you that if your tumor comes back it will be about quality of life and not saving your life...
well...you just pretty much are terrified out of your mind...
and trust me I fully know that there are more terrifying and deadly cancers than mine is...I do know that things could be worse.
I know I am incredibly blessed to have insurance and to have Dr. Rockstar and Dr. Angel doing everything in their power to cure me.
But beyond the physical cure you have to do some mental curing...
you have to get over the terror of having to have fought to live...
you have to find a way to wake up each and every day and not let the first thought in your head be "is this the day the cancer comes back"....
you have to find a way to find "normal" again....
and normal is a new normal once you have had cancer...because you are NOT the same person who had cancer once you are a survivor.
One of the strangest feelings I have confronted is the free falling terror I feel now that I am not walking into Dr. Angel's office every day.
for the last 6 weeks that precious man and his staff have literally watched over me like angels...they have fussed over me...taken countless vitals....constantly checked on how I was feeling...and have made sure that each and every day I am ok...
It's that kind of hand holding that people like me really need....
It's not that I need to be the center of attention or looked at but rather that I got very very comfortable knowing that each and every day my cancer was being taken care of...that the best doctor in this city was doing all he could to give me a future and that his nurses and techs were making sure it happened...
And now....even though I am so grateful to have the time back and not have to drive across the city each day....I now worry about NOT having someone making sure nothing was wrong...because part of me is terrified that if I get to forgetting about my cancer it will sneak back up on me and kill me.
Crazy, right?
I thought so until I talked to some of my friends who are survivors who told me it's not an unusual feeling to have...
whew....
like I said....cancer messes with your brain as well...
I'm beginning to start to be ok without the constant watching but trust me until I go get my next CT scan and Dr Angel tells me it is all clear I won't breathe easily...
I feel so so so much better physically.
I'm back to working out almost every day (I force myself to take breaks). I have returned to my beloved Revolution Studio with more love than ever for the spin and yoga classes and the staff and instructors. Every drop of sweat that pours out of my body feels like a victory because 6 months ago it was all I could do sometimes to get out of my chair.
Dr. Angel was blown away by the fact that I kept exercising through all of the radiation treatments and he thinks that my spin and yoga classes have gone a long way toward my well being as well as my looking and feeling so much better. I agree....I feel better now than I did on May 1...and I even feel better than I did on June 14 when I started radiation treatments.
Every downward dog feels like a prayer and every spin class feels like the Olympics of my life because I CAN ACTUALLY DO IT...
There were days during chemo that I doubted I would ever feel like really exercising again and that I would ever feel like going out to dinner or having fun again.
But now I do and I haven't felt this good in almost 2 years....
Now if I can only adjust my brain to feeling like it's not all a dream and that it won't all come crashing down on me any minute...
that the cancer won't come back....
I have had people tell me I made cancer look easy...
I have had some that I am sure have questioned how sick I really was and how bad my cancer was (I was SICK...and it was BAD...it's one that KILLS....I got LUCKY)
9 months ago my beloved gynocologist had to tell me that I had cancer...I still remember her saying the words and the strangely numb feeling I had...like she was talking to someone else...like it was not me that she was saying it to...like I was in a dream or watching a tv show.
No one goes through life waiting to hear the words "you have cancer" but some of us sadly will hear it.
I fully believe that I got through it like I did because of a few things:
1) I had the best doctors in the world
2) I kept my hair (so I didn't look sick)
3) I decided from day one that it wouldn't own me...I would own it
4) I decided from day one that I would be a survivor and never called myself a victim
5) I had the best support anyone could have from my family and friends
And now I am done...
I am SO ready to move on with my life...
I am so ready to return to work and see my students and watch the magic they do on the stage...
I am so ready to further my yoga practice and continue my love of spinning...
I am so ready to go out to dinner and lunch and to parties and gatherings and feel social again...
I am so ready to meet a wonderful man who will go do fun things with me and will understand that I have been forged in fire so I am different from other women...
I am so ready for my kids to feel confident that they won't lose their mother
I am so ready to lose some of this weight and fit back into my cute clothes (I want to burn all the things I wore last spring when I felt bad)
I am so ready to hear my doctors tell me that my cancer is indeed gone...
and I am so ready to not talk so much about my cancer unless it is to help someone...
I feel terrified and exhilarated all at once.
I am terrified that if I don't see a doctor all the time that things will be happening to my body that will take my wellness away...and I am exhilarated that I am free to go on with my life.
I have so many many feelings...
I am sure many of you have battled something hard and/or terrifying in your life.
It doesn't have to just be cancer.
It could be getting out of a bad relationship.
It could be caring for your elderly parents and having to make decisions that are very very difficult.
It could be taking care of a sick child or loved one.
It could be changing careers.
It could be just facing life.
No one gets a smooth easy ride through life.
We all have mountains to climb, valleys to go through, and sometimes life can feel like you are swimming in shark infested waters in the dark with a strong current and no land in sight.
When I first found out I had cancer I told GOTTESS that I felt like I was on a tightrope between two very high mountains. It was too far to just jump down. I had to cross the rope. I couldn't turn back because I could fall and that it wasn't an option. I had to go forward. On the tightrope (I am terrified of heights). I had to do it slowly and carefully. I knew that there was help on the other side but I just had to get there.
I crossed the tightrope.
You can too---whatever that tightrope is.
And on the other side you will find solid ground.
The ground is below me...and my doctors and friends and loved ones are beside me and I am not alone on the tightrope anymore.
And I just might leap off the cliff and see where I end up landing...and maybe on the way down I will find something awesome at the bottom of it all...
and I will find my life...
and, thanks to fabulous doctors, God, great medicine, lots of love from friends and family and great faith---I have a life to live.
I get to LIVE...
I am no longer a cancer patient...
I get to call myself a badass warrior princess who kicked cancer in the ass....
I get to be my own Wonder Woman (and I sure want the invisible plane and the nifty bracelets)
I am forged in fire and I am now shiny and new...and stronger than I was when I went into the fire.
I am a survivor...
I won...
Inspiration Song: "Feels" by Calvin Harris, Pharell Williams and Katy Perry. Because whenever it is on I get all the feels and I can't help but dance around and feel happy...
Bye Darlings...I'm gonna be ok and whatever YOU are going through you will be ok too...just remember that it's ok to be afraid...just don't let it overwhelm you...
I have resolved to get back to blogging so here I am...and hopefully I won't be blogging much more about Uterine Pappilary Serous Carcinoma because...
(insert a drumroll here in your head):
I AM DONE WITH MY CANCER TREATMENTS!!!!
(now mentally throw a lot of glitter and confetti around and do a little dance...I will wait....)
That's right...I finished my cancer treatments!
I officially finished on Thursday, July 27 at about 12:30.
I even got a cute little certificate signed by Dr. Angel to forever remind me of what I have been through.
So after:
6 rounds of Taxol and Carboplatin chemotherapy...
25 external beam radiation treatments
3 brachytherapy treatments (I'm gonna let you Google it...he used a Capri unit to do it...)
a complete hysterectomy
5 lymph glands removed
untold number of pills
lots of blood tests
several CT scans
hours of freezing my scalp to keep my hair
and 30 lbs gained and now thankfully lost
hours and hours and hours spent at 6400 Fannin and driving to and from there
I AM A CANCER SURVIVOR
(throw some more glitter around...dance a bit more...)
but here's the weird part....
I don't know how I feel about it.
I feel a little lost...
and I know that sounds COMPLETELY INSANE
For the better part of 9 months I have been fighting for my life and trying to be cured.
It has pretty much been the focus of my life for these 9 months except for a few brief weeks in May between treatments and in January and February when I was so immersed in my show that cancer was like a pesky gnat but I just kept swatting it away.
For 5 weeks I spent Monday-Friday planning my life around when I would go to 6400 Fannin and let Dr. Angel and his team nuke me. It took up a good portion of my day because you don't just walk in, flop on the table and then leave...you have to see Dr. Angel and the nurses regularly...the table gets backlogged because someone is late...
and don't even get me started on parking in that damn parking garage...I've spent hours seeking a parking space there until a learned a little trick...message me if you have to go there and I will share what I have learned...
Cancer treatments made me alter how I ate...what I ate...IF I ate...
I had to back off of my workout during chemo and had to give up yoga...
I spent hours in my recliner just trying to rest and get my strength back...
I spent restless nights feeling crappy...or scared to death...
I lost my strength, I gained a ton of weight, and I lacked energy to do much except try to get well.
But now, thankfully, I am done with it!
But cancer doesn't just mess with you physically....
until you have found yourself at 2 am Googling the thing that is trying to kill you and what the survival rates are you don't know just how scared you can be...
or when a doctor tells you the survival rate for your cancer is 10 years and you realize that means you might die before you get to have the senior rate at the museum...
or when they tell you that if your tumor comes back it will be about quality of life and not saving your life...
well...you just pretty much are terrified out of your mind...
and trust me I fully know that there are more terrifying and deadly cancers than mine is...I do know that things could be worse.
I know I am incredibly blessed to have insurance and to have Dr. Rockstar and Dr. Angel doing everything in their power to cure me.
But beyond the physical cure you have to do some mental curing...
you have to get over the terror of having to have fought to live...
you have to find a way to wake up each and every day and not let the first thought in your head be "is this the day the cancer comes back"....
you have to find a way to find "normal" again....
and normal is a new normal once you have had cancer...because you are NOT the same person who had cancer once you are a survivor.
One of the strangest feelings I have confronted is the free falling terror I feel now that I am not walking into Dr. Angel's office every day.
for the last 6 weeks that precious man and his staff have literally watched over me like angels...they have fussed over me...taken countless vitals....constantly checked on how I was feeling...and have made sure that each and every day I am ok...
It's that kind of hand holding that people like me really need....
It's not that I need to be the center of attention or looked at but rather that I got very very comfortable knowing that each and every day my cancer was being taken care of...that the best doctor in this city was doing all he could to give me a future and that his nurses and techs were making sure it happened...
And now....even though I am so grateful to have the time back and not have to drive across the city each day....I now worry about NOT having someone making sure nothing was wrong...because part of me is terrified that if I get to forgetting about my cancer it will sneak back up on me and kill me.
Crazy, right?
I thought so until I talked to some of my friends who are survivors who told me it's not an unusual feeling to have...
whew....
like I said....cancer messes with your brain as well...
I'm beginning to start to be ok without the constant watching but trust me until I go get my next CT scan and Dr Angel tells me it is all clear I won't breathe easily...
I feel so so so much better physically.
I'm back to working out almost every day (I force myself to take breaks). I have returned to my beloved Revolution Studio with more love than ever for the spin and yoga classes and the staff and instructors. Every drop of sweat that pours out of my body feels like a victory because 6 months ago it was all I could do sometimes to get out of my chair.
Dr. Angel was blown away by the fact that I kept exercising through all of the radiation treatments and he thinks that my spin and yoga classes have gone a long way toward my well being as well as my looking and feeling so much better. I agree....I feel better now than I did on May 1...and I even feel better than I did on June 14 when I started radiation treatments.
Every downward dog feels like a prayer and every spin class feels like the Olympics of my life because I CAN ACTUALLY DO IT...
There were days during chemo that I doubted I would ever feel like really exercising again and that I would ever feel like going out to dinner or having fun again.
But now I do and I haven't felt this good in almost 2 years....
Now if I can only adjust my brain to feeling like it's not all a dream and that it won't all come crashing down on me any minute...
that the cancer won't come back....
I have had people tell me I made cancer look easy...
I have had some that I am sure have questioned how sick I really was and how bad my cancer was (I was SICK...and it was BAD...it's one that KILLS....I got LUCKY)
9 months ago my beloved gynocologist had to tell me that I had cancer...I still remember her saying the words and the strangely numb feeling I had...like she was talking to someone else...like it was not me that she was saying it to...like I was in a dream or watching a tv show.
No one goes through life waiting to hear the words "you have cancer" but some of us sadly will hear it.
I fully believe that I got through it like I did because of a few things:
1) I had the best doctors in the world
2) I kept my hair (so I didn't look sick)
3) I decided from day one that it wouldn't own me...I would own it
4) I decided from day one that I would be a survivor and never called myself a victim
5) I had the best support anyone could have from my family and friends
And now I am done...
I am SO ready to move on with my life...
I am so ready to return to work and see my students and watch the magic they do on the stage...
I am so ready to further my yoga practice and continue my love of spinning...
I am so ready to go out to dinner and lunch and to parties and gatherings and feel social again...
I am so ready to meet a wonderful man who will go do fun things with me and will understand that I have been forged in fire so I am different from other women...
I am so ready for my kids to feel confident that they won't lose their mother
I am so ready to lose some of this weight and fit back into my cute clothes (I want to burn all the things I wore last spring when I felt bad)
I am so ready to hear my doctors tell me that my cancer is indeed gone...
and I am so ready to not talk so much about my cancer unless it is to help someone...
I feel terrified and exhilarated all at once.
I am terrified that if I don't see a doctor all the time that things will be happening to my body that will take my wellness away...and I am exhilarated that I am free to go on with my life.
I have so many many feelings...
I am sure many of you have battled something hard and/or terrifying in your life.
It doesn't have to just be cancer.
It could be getting out of a bad relationship.
It could be caring for your elderly parents and having to make decisions that are very very difficult.
It could be taking care of a sick child or loved one.
It could be changing careers.
It could be just facing life.
No one gets a smooth easy ride through life.
We all have mountains to climb, valleys to go through, and sometimes life can feel like you are swimming in shark infested waters in the dark with a strong current and no land in sight.
When I first found out I had cancer I told GOTTESS that I felt like I was on a tightrope between two very high mountains. It was too far to just jump down. I had to cross the rope. I couldn't turn back because I could fall and that it wasn't an option. I had to go forward. On the tightrope (I am terrified of heights). I had to do it slowly and carefully. I knew that there was help on the other side but I just had to get there.
I crossed the tightrope.
You can too---whatever that tightrope is.
And on the other side you will find solid ground.
The ground is below me...and my doctors and friends and loved ones are beside me and I am not alone on the tightrope anymore.
And I just might leap off the cliff and see where I end up landing...and maybe on the way down I will find something awesome at the bottom of it all...
and I will find my life...
and, thanks to fabulous doctors, God, great medicine, lots of love from friends and family and great faith---I have a life to live.
I get to LIVE...
I am no longer a cancer patient...
I get to call myself a badass warrior princess who kicked cancer in the ass....
I get to be my own Wonder Woman (and I sure want the invisible plane and the nifty bracelets)
I am forged in fire and I am now shiny and new...and stronger than I was when I went into the fire.
I am a survivor...
I won...
Inspiration Song: "Feels" by Calvin Harris, Pharell Williams and Katy Perry. Because whenever it is on I get all the feels and I can't help but dance around and feel happy...
Bye Darlings...I'm gonna be ok and whatever YOU are going through you will be ok too...just remember that it's ok to be afraid...just don't let it overwhelm you...
Thursday, July 13, 2017
Burnin' For You
Hi Darlings...
It's been forever and a day since I blogged...
Well not quite forever but at least 5 months or so.
So much has happened:
I finished chemo
I managed to be the #hotmess patient of the year in the infusion center (that is for another blog)
I costumed our musical
Our musical got nominated as one of the 8 best high school musicals in Houston
My girls and I got nominated for best costumes for our musical
We got to perform on the Hobby Stage for the Tommy Tune Awards
My fabulous daughter graduated from college
My son finished his freshman year at TAMU
and...
it turns out my type of uterine cancer is particularly vicious and nasty so I had to start radiation...
So basically I get nuclear stuff aimed at my body every M-F...
I had high hopes that the radiation (or rads as I like to call them) would not be necessary. Dr. Rockstar scooped up as much cancer as she could and then she and the infusion team poisoned the rest out of me.
But since I have the nasty kind of cancer that likes to return and kill you she felt I needed to see a radiology oncologist and make sure we did all we could to be sure it stayed far far away from me.
Enter Dr. Angel...
KuteKaren came with me to meet Dr. Angel.
In walks a sweet quiet man and despite his sweet demeanor he managed to knock me on my booty because he told me some things about my cancer that I did not know...
I had been warned by my Internist not to Google my cancer...one night in a weak moment I did but I didn't get far.
Bless his heart he didn't know I didn't know some things...
like...
the survival rate for my particular cancer is 10 years.
Um....
damn...
I burst into tears...
KuteKaren started to cry...
He got flustered
the nurse holds me...
and then KuteKaren once again says the words of strength she always says when I need it:
"You are a magical unicorn and you do not fit into any box. You are not normal. You will not be average. You will live."
Poor Dr. Angel...
I left there a confused hot mess...
But after a long chat with Dr. Rockstar I saw that I had no choice but to turn my care over to Dr. Angel and let him make sure that my nasty cancer was vanquished.
And as it turns out he's kind of a badass himself despite his sweet, shy quiet demeanor...like head of department and stuff...
So I am now in the hands of Dr. Angel and his awesome staff...
Let me tell you a little something about uterine cancer---you lose all your dignity...
every day I have to lay down on a hard table with a full bladder with my naked backside completely uncovered while this machine whirs and spins around me...
and most of the radiation techs are men...
good times people...good times...
ok so now that I have completely bored you all to death you have to be wondering what has propelled me to blog after all this time and surely it can't be a description of my adventures in getting nuclear poison shot into me...
And there is...
because while I lay there on that table while Dr. Angel's fancy big machine does it's thing I have a lot of time to pray...and think...
And mostly I think about how blessed I am...
I am blessed to have health insurance
I am blessed to live in Houston with the best medical care of any city
I am blessed to have found Dr. Rockstar and Dr. Angel
I am blessed that Dr. Gorgeous found my cancer and made sure I was in good hands
I am blessed that my Aunt Jane has been my partner in all of this
I am blessed that my children have been so loving and supportive
I am blessed that I still have my hair thanks to cold capping
I am blessed that I started bleeding so that Dr. Gorgeous could find the cancer
I am blessed that God opened my heart and eyes and brain to listen to my doctors
I am blessed that the chemo did its job
I am blessed that I was barely sick during chemo...just tired
I am blessed that despite what a pain in the neck it is to drive to the Med Center everyday---I can
and
I am blessed to be alive
I spent most of last spring feeling sorry for myself...
I had so many pity parties I should be a professional Pity Party Planner...
I kept thinking about all the things I was missing out on...things I didn't have...and what was missing from my life because of cancer...
I was mad that I was doing this alone...that I didn't have a love and a partner to support me through this...
I was furious at the weight I gained and that I didn't have the energy and strength to do something about it...
But then I got to feeling better...
and I got stronger....
and I realized that I DID have partners---my aunt Jane, KuteKaren, TwirlerGirl, Wonder Woman (who also kicked cancer in the ass), my "mamas" Shari and Jo, Pretty Phyllis, JayVee, and all of my wonderful friends...
And I started feeling well enough to return to my beloved Revolution Studios to spin my heart out and FINALLY get back to yoga...
And my internist helped me with a few changes in my diet and offered to help me with my weight loss by having me come in weekly to weigh in and check my progress...
And I began to see not what I was missing...
BUT WHAT I HAVE
And to not be so scared of what MIGHT happen and start to be grateful for what WAS happening...
Each day when I lay down on that table I pray...
I start my prayers with prayers for others---those who have asked for prayers and those I know need praying over...and for all the other patients in the building...
why do I start with others?
Because I am the kind of person that despite what the flight attendant says---I am always going to put the oxygen mask on my loved one first before putting on my own...
And I believe that I should lay the needs of others at His feet before I ask for my own...
after my prayers for others I thank Him for my blessings...for my doctors and the staff...for my ability to be treated and that my cancer was found...
and then I THANK HIM for the cancer...
because I have learned more about life from this damn cancer than just about anything else in my life (other than parenting...I've learned a lot from raising two humans).
I THANK HIM because I KNOW that He will use me and my cancer to help others...
maybe it's to get someone to the doctor...
or to spread the word about cold capping to save your hair during chemo...
or to learn more about uterine pappilary serous carcinoma...
or maybe it's just to teach me to be humble and grateful.
I don't know why He is using me but I believe He is...
or maybe it's just so I can understand the meaning of a blessing...
I never thought I would get cancer but I did...
and I never thought I would consider it a blessing but I do...
because what doesn't kill us makes us stronger and we learn more from our trials than from out successes...
So the next time you are looking at something that scares you...or feels like you are being punished instead of rewarded try looking at it as a blessing...a chance to learn or grow...
some things are harder to overcome than others but I can tell you that from now on I am going to make a lot more lemonade out of the lemons I am handed in life...
Blessings are where you least expect them sometimes and I know that I am on a path of blessings...
The path is rough...it's full of holes and rocks and steep passages and I can't see but a few feet in front of me but hell I am on a path and I will keep going as long as my legs will carry me...
And tomorrow I will climb onto that table and have radiation poured into my body and I will thank the Lord I am on that table and will pray for my friends and count my blessings...
Inspiration Song: Burnin for You by Blue Oyster Cult...because each day I lay down on that table I am burnin away that cancer...
Bye Darlings...sorry for the boring blog but it gives you an update...and remember to count your blessings...it makes for a happier life...
It's been forever and a day since I blogged...
Well not quite forever but at least 5 months or so.
So much has happened:
I finished chemo
I managed to be the #hotmess patient of the year in the infusion center (that is for another blog)
I costumed our musical
Our musical got nominated as one of the 8 best high school musicals in Houston
My girls and I got nominated for best costumes for our musical
We got to perform on the Hobby Stage for the Tommy Tune Awards
My fabulous daughter graduated from college
My son finished his freshman year at TAMU
and...
it turns out my type of uterine cancer is particularly vicious and nasty so I had to start radiation...
So basically I get nuclear stuff aimed at my body every M-F...
I had high hopes that the radiation (or rads as I like to call them) would not be necessary. Dr. Rockstar scooped up as much cancer as she could and then she and the infusion team poisoned the rest out of me.
But since I have the nasty kind of cancer that likes to return and kill you she felt I needed to see a radiology oncologist and make sure we did all we could to be sure it stayed far far away from me.
Enter Dr. Angel...
KuteKaren came with me to meet Dr. Angel.
In walks a sweet quiet man and despite his sweet demeanor he managed to knock me on my booty because he told me some things about my cancer that I did not know...
I had been warned by my Internist not to Google my cancer...one night in a weak moment I did but I didn't get far.
Bless his heart he didn't know I didn't know some things...
like...
the survival rate for my particular cancer is 10 years.
Um....
damn...
I burst into tears...
KuteKaren started to cry...
He got flustered
the nurse holds me...
and then KuteKaren once again says the words of strength she always says when I need it:
"You are a magical unicorn and you do not fit into any box. You are not normal. You will not be average. You will live."
Poor Dr. Angel...
I left there a confused hot mess...
But after a long chat with Dr. Rockstar I saw that I had no choice but to turn my care over to Dr. Angel and let him make sure that my nasty cancer was vanquished.
And as it turns out he's kind of a badass himself despite his sweet, shy quiet demeanor...like head of department and stuff...
So I am now in the hands of Dr. Angel and his awesome staff...
Let me tell you a little something about uterine cancer---you lose all your dignity...
every day I have to lay down on a hard table with a full bladder with my naked backside completely uncovered while this machine whirs and spins around me...
and most of the radiation techs are men...
good times people...good times...
ok so now that I have completely bored you all to death you have to be wondering what has propelled me to blog after all this time and surely it can't be a description of my adventures in getting nuclear poison shot into me...
And there is...
because while I lay there on that table while Dr. Angel's fancy big machine does it's thing I have a lot of time to pray...and think...
And mostly I think about how blessed I am...
I am blessed to have health insurance
I am blessed to live in Houston with the best medical care of any city
I am blessed to have found Dr. Rockstar and Dr. Angel
I am blessed that Dr. Gorgeous found my cancer and made sure I was in good hands
I am blessed that my Aunt Jane has been my partner in all of this
I am blessed that my children have been so loving and supportive
I am blessed that I still have my hair thanks to cold capping
I am blessed that I started bleeding so that Dr. Gorgeous could find the cancer
I am blessed that God opened my heart and eyes and brain to listen to my doctors
I am blessed that the chemo did its job
I am blessed that I was barely sick during chemo...just tired
I am blessed that despite what a pain in the neck it is to drive to the Med Center everyday---I can
and
I am blessed to be alive
I spent most of last spring feeling sorry for myself...
I had so many pity parties I should be a professional Pity Party Planner...
I kept thinking about all the things I was missing out on...things I didn't have...and what was missing from my life because of cancer...
I was mad that I was doing this alone...that I didn't have a love and a partner to support me through this...
I was furious at the weight I gained and that I didn't have the energy and strength to do something about it...
But then I got to feeling better...
and I got stronger....
and I realized that I DID have partners---my aunt Jane, KuteKaren, TwirlerGirl, Wonder Woman (who also kicked cancer in the ass), my "mamas" Shari and Jo, Pretty Phyllis, JayVee, and all of my wonderful friends...
And I started feeling well enough to return to my beloved Revolution Studios to spin my heart out and FINALLY get back to yoga...
And my internist helped me with a few changes in my diet and offered to help me with my weight loss by having me come in weekly to weigh in and check my progress...
And I began to see not what I was missing...
BUT WHAT I HAVE
And to not be so scared of what MIGHT happen and start to be grateful for what WAS happening...
Each day when I lay down on that table I pray...
I start my prayers with prayers for others---those who have asked for prayers and those I know need praying over...and for all the other patients in the building...
why do I start with others?
Because I am the kind of person that despite what the flight attendant says---I am always going to put the oxygen mask on my loved one first before putting on my own...
And I believe that I should lay the needs of others at His feet before I ask for my own...
after my prayers for others I thank Him for my blessings...for my doctors and the staff...for my ability to be treated and that my cancer was found...
and then I THANK HIM for the cancer...
because I have learned more about life from this damn cancer than just about anything else in my life (other than parenting...I've learned a lot from raising two humans).
I THANK HIM because I KNOW that He will use me and my cancer to help others...
maybe it's to get someone to the doctor...
or to spread the word about cold capping to save your hair during chemo...
or to learn more about uterine pappilary serous carcinoma...
or maybe it's just to teach me to be humble and grateful.
I don't know why He is using me but I believe He is...
or maybe it's just so I can understand the meaning of a blessing...
I never thought I would get cancer but I did...
and I never thought I would consider it a blessing but I do...
because what doesn't kill us makes us stronger and we learn more from our trials than from out successes...
So the next time you are looking at something that scares you...or feels like you are being punished instead of rewarded try looking at it as a blessing...a chance to learn or grow...
some things are harder to overcome than others but I can tell you that from now on I am going to make a lot more lemonade out of the lemons I am handed in life...
Blessings are where you least expect them sometimes and I know that I am on a path of blessings...
The path is rough...it's full of holes and rocks and steep passages and I can't see but a few feet in front of me but hell I am on a path and I will keep going as long as my legs will carry me...
And tomorrow I will climb onto that table and have radiation poured into my body and I will thank the Lord I am on that table and will pray for my friends and count my blessings...
Inspiration Song: Burnin for You by Blue Oyster Cult...because each day I lay down on that table I am burnin away that cancer...
Bye Darlings...sorry for the boring blog but it gives you an update...and remember to count your blessings...it makes for a happier life...
Tuesday, March 21, 2017
The Sign
Hello Darlings...
Just about a year ago I started to feel bad...
I lacked energy
I needed naps in the afternoon
I felt achy
I felt exhausted
I would burn 3000+ calories a day and couldn't lose weight
weight was piling on despite exercise and eating healthy
But despite all of that I was working out 5+ days a week and several times a week I would follow and intense 45 minute spin class with a 45 or 60 minute yoga class...
Oh I miss that girl...
the one who could bang out 700 calories in an hour and still have the energy to go into a Power Flow...
the one who wouldn't dream of working out less than 5 days a week...
the one who rode the front row in the spin class...
the girl who basically kicked ass...
the one who's joints didn't ache every day
the one who could stand at the stove for hours without pain...
Right now she is buried under a layer of extra weight, swelling, and cancer...
When I first started feeling bad I went to my general physician and told her I was lacking energy and feeling poorly and struggling to lose weight.
She felt it was most likely menopause and possibly my thyroid.
So we started testing...
my thyroid was normal but my blood pressure was high...not very high but high enough to start medication...
She sent me to have an ultrasound on my thyroid and it had nodules but not anything to worry about...
She sent me to a cardiologist who did an ultrasound on my heart (normal) and did a stress test on me (normal)
Saw my gynocologist in May...
my pap smear was normal...
everything was normal...
except that I was still tired and not losing weight...
she sent me to an endocrinologist...
the endocrinologist said all my tests were "normal"...
I cried in her office...
I told her I knew something was wrong with me because it could not just be menopause that was making me feel bad and not lose weight...she sympathized with me and suggested a very very low calorie diet (1000 calories a day)...
I was burning an average of almost 3000 calories a day and not eating near that so I knew something had to be wrong...
Summer passed and I felt a bit better but still there was the nagging feeling that something was wrong...
And then the bleeding started in the fall and all hell broke loose...
Thank goodness for the bleeding because that was my proof that something was very very wrong with me...
and then the pain started and I knew I could not ignore that my body was giving me signs that something was wrong and I needed help.
And thankfully I did because I am alive because of it...
To often we ignore signs that tell us something is wrong...
and not just with our health...
sometimes we see signs that a relationship is in trouble and still ignore them as well...
I ignored the signs that my marriage was not just in trouble but dead for years...mostly because I was afraid...
I've ignored signs that friendships needed to have the life support pulled on them (when someone shows you who they are the first time---believe them! Thank you Maya Angelou)
For a while I ignored signs that my health was in danger because I chalked it up to menopause because that was easier to face than the reality of cancer...
And I even ignored the fact that my sweet precious kitty Seringa was losing more weight than she should have because I didn't want her to be sick so I just chalked it up to the diet food I was giving the cats (vet's orders) because my Zulu (her brother) was too fat...
We see the signs but do we really SEE the signs?
Sometimes we do see them but need to ignore the signs because timing is off...that's how it was for my marriage.
I knew my marriage was in trouble before I even had kids...I knew that I was hanging on to someone who wasn't right for me because I didn't know what else to do. I also knew he would give my kids some good smart genes.
I tried to leave him years before I finally did because I was so miserable but I got talked out of it by well meaning loved ones.
But finally I couldn't take it anymore...
the signs were to clear:
they were bright as the Vegas Strip they were so bright and shiny telling me:
"Welcome to the Fabulous time to leave your husband!!!!"
I'm talking full-on neon here and giant 20 foot lettering that it was time to make my exit and get the hell out of my not-just-failing but totally in the grave marriage...
So.I.Did.
I've pulled the plugs on failing relationships with friends too...you know when you look at them and you can hear the sound of a heart monitor flatlining?
Yes...
beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
no life there...no blips of goodness...
I've done it with a few people in the last few years.
One woman who called me stupid...and frankly that is the kind of relationship where you don't even try to do CPR on the relationship. She was rude to me several times and frankly her annoying continual selfies makes me not miss her in the least.
Another "friend" is one who acted a certain way on FB but her true character was unmistakably false and not what she presents. It's like her bleach blonde hair and boobs---fake. I don't have time for people who pretend...I get enough of that with my work with a high school drama department. She overstepped herself with me and frankly when that relationship died I didn't even attend the funeral.
Another friendship I tried CPR on more than once---but each time I would pull us out from the brink of death she would do something to flatline it again. Ain't nobody got time for that...friendship should be easy and not need medical intervention to keep going...
I could mention more but you get the point...some relationships are letting you know it is time to let go and you need to read the signs and move on...it's best for both of you...
I'd rather have 5 people I can count on than 500 Facebook "friends" who are mostly strangers...and if more than 1/4 of your "friends" are humans you have never met maybe you need to read the signs about stranger danger (Miss Bleach Blonde was very guilty of that....I used to worry about her accepting random men's friend requests but not any more...she chooses to feed her ego that way and well I can't help her...).
I have a lot of friends and I love and cherish each one...this cancer has taught me who people I can depend on are and who I can't.
And frankly some people don't handle illness well so I don't fault them for not being "there" for me as long as they send out some sort of friendship sign (like a little flare!) and let me know they are still in my universe just not actively so...
and that's ok...
And sometimes we read the signs and we read them wrong...and when you do that is when you CALL or GET FACE TO FACE with someone because you can also misread TEXTS...
As for reading your "health signs"...well my friends that is one I will harp on you about until the end of time.
I could have ignored how crappy I felt and just said "it's menopause" but thankfully some of the signs were hard to ignore and frankly I just wanted to feel better.
I told my doctor ALL of my signs so that she could figure out what was going on with me and thank goodness she went above and beyond protocol to do so.
We chalk things going wrong with our bodies to:
aging
weight gain
weight loss
injury
and we ignore things like:
irregular bleeding
hair loss
unexplained weight loss or gain
lack of energy
sleeplessness
sleepiness
fatigue
insomnia
heavy bleeding
bloating
and we just say:
it's menopause
it's age
it's my thyroid
but frankly you just can't self diagnose yourself all the time and blame our aging bodies...everyone is aging from the moment they are born...some stuff is normal and other stuff is not...
stop ignoring the signs...
if you are gaining weight look at your diet....and if your diet is still good then start digging...
that's what started it for me...I was gaining more weight than a woman who exercised and ate like me should...
and it all then led to finding out I had cancer...
I could have just sat back and said "menopause is doing this" and who knows where I would have ended up...
So don't ignore the signs...be it with your relationships or your health...
GOD IS GIVING YOU SIGNS
So SEE the signs and ACT on them...
If your relationship with someone is flatlining it's time to decide whether to get out the paddles and fight for it and shock it back into health or to simply let it go and die quietly. You can use heroic measures or you can do the gentle thing and put it to sleep (like I had to do with my kitty).
Sometimes after heroic measures things are more of a mess and very expensive and you end up spending a lot of time and effort just for it to die again...or you might find the relationship is better than ever...
And if the signs you are being given are about your health then...
GET YOURSELF TO YOUR DOCTOR AND START TO FIGURE IT OUT
Do not pass "Go"
Do not collect $200
just get to the doctor!!!!!
it's better to be told "it's just menopause" or "you are getting older" than to hear:
you have stage 4 cancer...
(I'm at Stage 3C people so time was NOT on my side).
DON'T BE AFRAID
because what you are afraid of might not be as bad as you fear...or it can be worse (like me) but you are finding out in time to do something about it...
I'm holding up a big red STOP sign to you right now...
read this and take stock of the signs on your path of life...
Open up your eyes and SEE the signs...
It might save your life...
Inspiration Song: "The Sign" by Ace of Base...because I opened up my eyes and saw the sign...
Bye Darlings: open up your eyes and see the signs on the path ahead of you...I'm so glad I did...
Just about a year ago I started to feel bad...
I lacked energy
I needed naps in the afternoon
I felt achy
I felt exhausted
I would burn 3000+ calories a day and couldn't lose weight
weight was piling on despite exercise and eating healthy
But despite all of that I was working out 5+ days a week and several times a week I would follow and intense 45 minute spin class with a 45 or 60 minute yoga class...
Oh I miss that girl...
the one who could bang out 700 calories in an hour and still have the energy to go into a Power Flow...
the one who wouldn't dream of working out less than 5 days a week...
the one who rode the front row in the spin class...
the girl who basically kicked ass...
the one who's joints didn't ache every day
the one who could stand at the stove for hours without pain...
Right now she is buried under a layer of extra weight, swelling, and cancer...
When I first started feeling bad I went to my general physician and told her I was lacking energy and feeling poorly and struggling to lose weight.
She felt it was most likely menopause and possibly my thyroid.
So we started testing...
my thyroid was normal but my blood pressure was high...not very high but high enough to start medication...
She sent me to have an ultrasound on my thyroid and it had nodules but not anything to worry about...
She sent me to a cardiologist who did an ultrasound on my heart (normal) and did a stress test on me (normal)
Saw my gynocologist in May...
my pap smear was normal...
everything was normal...
except that I was still tired and not losing weight...
she sent me to an endocrinologist...
the endocrinologist said all my tests were "normal"...
I cried in her office...
I told her I knew something was wrong with me because it could not just be menopause that was making me feel bad and not lose weight...she sympathized with me and suggested a very very low calorie diet (1000 calories a day)...
I was burning an average of almost 3000 calories a day and not eating near that so I knew something had to be wrong...
Summer passed and I felt a bit better but still there was the nagging feeling that something was wrong...
And then the bleeding started in the fall and all hell broke loose...
Thank goodness for the bleeding because that was my proof that something was very very wrong with me...
and then the pain started and I knew I could not ignore that my body was giving me signs that something was wrong and I needed help.
And thankfully I did because I am alive because of it...
To often we ignore signs that tell us something is wrong...
and not just with our health...
sometimes we see signs that a relationship is in trouble and still ignore them as well...
I ignored the signs that my marriage was not just in trouble but dead for years...mostly because I was afraid...
I've ignored signs that friendships needed to have the life support pulled on them (when someone shows you who they are the first time---believe them! Thank you Maya Angelou)
For a while I ignored signs that my health was in danger because I chalked it up to menopause because that was easier to face than the reality of cancer...
And I even ignored the fact that my sweet precious kitty Seringa was losing more weight than she should have because I didn't want her to be sick so I just chalked it up to the diet food I was giving the cats (vet's orders) because my Zulu (her brother) was too fat...
We see the signs but do we really SEE the signs?
Sometimes we do see them but need to ignore the signs because timing is off...that's how it was for my marriage.
I knew my marriage was in trouble before I even had kids...I knew that I was hanging on to someone who wasn't right for me because I didn't know what else to do. I also knew he would give my kids some good smart genes.
I tried to leave him years before I finally did because I was so miserable but I got talked out of it by well meaning loved ones.
But finally I couldn't take it anymore...
the signs were to clear:
they were bright as the Vegas Strip they were so bright and shiny telling me:
"Welcome to the Fabulous time to leave your husband!!!!"
I'm talking full-on neon here and giant 20 foot lettering that it was time to make my exit and get the hell out of my not-just-failing but totally in the grave marriage...
So.I.Did.
I've pulled the plugs on failing relationships with friends too...you know when you look at them and you can hear the sound of a heart monitor flatlining?
Yes...
beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
no life there...no blips of goodness...
I've done it with a few people in the last few years.
One woman who called me stupid...and frankly that is the kind of relationship where you don't even try to do CPR on the relationship. She was rude to me several times and frankly her annoying continual selfies makes me not miss her in the least.
Another "friend" is one who acted a certain way on FB but her true character was unmistakably false and not what she presents. It's like her bleach blonde hair and boobs---fake. I don't have time for people who pretend...I get enough of that with my work with a high school drama department. She overstepped herself with me and frankly when that relationship died I didn't even attend the funeral.
Another friendship I tried CPR on more than once---but each time I would pull us out from the brink of death she would do something to flatline it again. Ain't nobody got time for that...friendship should be easy and not need medical intervention to keep going...
I could mention more but you get the point...some relationships are letting you know it is time to let go and you need to read the signs and move on...it's best for both of you...
I'd rather have 5 people I can count on than 500 Facebook "friends" who are mostly strangers...and if more than 1/4 of your "friends" are humans you have never met maybe you need to read the signs about stranger danger (Miss Bleach Blonde was very guilty of that....I used to worry about her accepting random men's friend requests but not any more...she chooses to feed her ego that way and well I can't help her...).
I have a lot of friends and I love and cherish each one...this cancer has taught me who people I can depend on are and who I can't.
And frankly some people don't handle illness well so I don't fault them for not being "there" for me as long as they send out some sort of friendship sign (like a little flare!) and let me know they are still in my universe just not actively so...
and that's ok...
And sometimes we read the signs and we read them wrong...and when you do that is when you CALL or GET FACE TO FACE with someone because you can also misread TEXTS...
As for reading your "health signs"...well my friends that is one I will harp on you about until the end of time.
I could have ignored how crappy I felt and just said "it's menopause" but thankfully some of the signs were hard to ignore and frankly I just wanted to feel better.
I told my doctor ALL of my signs so that she could figure out what was going on with me and thank goodness she went above and beyond protocol to do so.
We chalk things going wrong with our bodies to:
aging
weight gain
weight loss
injury
and we ignore things like:
irregular bleeding
hair loss
unexplained weight loss or gain
lack of energy
sleeplessness
sleepiness
fatigue
insomnia
heavy bleeding
bloating
and we just say:
it's menopause
it's age
it's my thyroid
but frankly you just can't self diagnose yourself all the time and blame our aging bodies...everyone is aging from the moment they are born...some stuff is normal and other stuff is not...
stop ignoring the signs...
if you are gaining weight look at your diet....and if your diet is still good then start digging...
that's what started it for me...I was gaining more weight than a woman who exercised and ate like me should...
and it all then led to finding out I had cancer...
I could have just sat back and said "menopause is doing this" and who knows where I would have ended up...
So don't ignore the signs...be it with your relationships or your health...
GOD IS GIVING YOU SIGNS
So SEE the signs and ACT on them...
If your relationship with someone is flatlining it's time to decide whether to get out the paddles and fight for it and shock it back into health or to simply let it go and die quietly. You can use heroic measures or you can do the gentle thing and put it to sleep (like I had to do with my kitty).
Sometimes after heroic measures things are more of a mess and very expensive and you end up spending a lot of time and effort just for it to die again...or you might find the relationship is better than ever...
And if the signs you are being given are about your health then...
GET YOURSELF TO YOUR DOCTOR AND START TO FIGURE IT OUT
Do not pass "Go"
Do not collect $200
just get to the doctor!!!!!
it's better to be told "it's just menopause" or "you are getting older" than to hear:
you have stage 4 cancer...
(I'm at Stage 3C people so time was NOT on my side).
DON'T BE AFRAID
because what you are afraid of might not be as bad as you fear...or it can be worse (like me) but you are finding out in time to do something about it...
I'm holding up a big red STOP sign to you right now...
read this and take stock of the signs on your path of life...
Open up your eyes and SEE the signs...
It might save your life...
Inspiration Song: "The Sign" by Ace of Base...because I opened up my eyes and saw the sign...
I, I got a new life, you would hardly recognize me, I'm so glad
How can a person like me care for you?
I, why do I bother, when you're not the one for me?
Oo-hoo-hoo-oo-oo
Is enough enough?
How can a person like me care for you?
I, why do I bother, when you're not the one for me?
Oo-hoo-hoo-oo-oo
Is enough enough?
I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign
Life is demanding without understanding
I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign
No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong
But where do you belong?
Life is demanding without understanding
I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign
No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong
But where do you belong?
I, under the pale moon, for so many years I wondered who you are
How could a person like you bring me joy?
Under the pale moon, where I see a lot of stars
Oo-hoo-hoo-oo-oo
Is enough enough?
How could a person like you bring me joy?
Under the pale moon, where I see a lot of stars
Oo-hoo-hoo-oo-oo
Is enough enough?
I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign
Life is demanding without understanding
I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign
No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong
But where do you belong?
Oh, oh-oh-oh
Life is demanding without understanding
I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign
No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong
But where do you belong?
Oh, oh-oh-oh
I saw the sign and it opened up my mind
And I am happy now living without you
I've left you Oh, oh-oh-oh
I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign
No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong
And I am happy now living without you
I've left you Oh, oh-oh-oh
I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign
No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong
I saw the sign
(I saw the sign, I saw the si-ee-i-ee-ign)
(I saw the sign, I saw the sign)
I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign
(I saw the sign, I saw the si-ee-i-ee-ign)
(I saw the sign, I saw the sign)
I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign
Bye Darlings: open up your eyes and see the signs on the path ahead of you...I'm so glad I did...
Monday, March 20, 2017
My Heart Will Go On
Hello Darlings....
Saturday I had to put my sweet Seringa to sleep...
She was my little kitty...
she was a 14 year old Bengal cat and I have had her and her brother since they were able to leave their mama...
She was always a bit on the small side and had very slightly crossed eyes...
we always knew she was special...
I am so filled with pain I am not even sure I can write this blog but I have to do something to make myself feel better if I can...
I held her head in my hands as she crossed over the rainbow bridge...she was looking at me and then I saw the life leave her eyes and she was gone...
She was sick and in pain...she had cancer...
and I was so wrapped up in myself I didn't even know she was as sick as she was...
I noticed she had lost weight
But it was the tumor in her belly that I never knew was there that ultimately meant I had to let her go.
She was never a lap cat...she preferred to sit beside me in the bed but never on my lap on the couch...
She hated to be picked up and carried...she would rebel and cry if you did...
So it wasn't until she was so very sick that I felt the lump in her belly and knew something was terribly wrong...
Now that I look back on the last few months I see that her weight loss was not just due to the fact that I had to put all the cats on diet food because the boys were getting too fat...she was sick and I was missing it...
she never fussed or complained...
she was frail but strong at the end...
Up until a couple of days before she died she was as she always was...sleeping on my bed, up for meals and her box, hiding in my closet for some alone time, and wanting to drink the water up from the floor after my shower...
each night we would go to bed and she would spend 10-20 minutes "kneading" (we called it "making bread") on my side to soothe herself and then she would settle in next to me or between my legs to sleep.
Each night I slept with her near me for at least part of the night...
and now...
she is gone...
I know I did the right thing for her...heroic measures are never for the animals we love...we do it so we don't have to lose them...
but her fight was gone...she just wanted some peace and to sleep...
so I told the sweet vet that I agreed that in this instance the loving thing to do was to let her go...
and I haven't stopped crying since...
I look at her photos on my phone and I miss her...
seeing her food bowl is more than I can bear...
I had to cover up her little spot in my closet so it wouldn't look empty...
my bed looks wrong without her in it
and her brother keeps crying for her and looking for her...
It's more than I can bear...
This past year I have been challenged so much...
I've got two kids in college with little help from their dad to pay for things...
I have cancer...
I have felt crappy for a year...
I'm alone with no partner and there is no way right now I would attract one that would want the likes of me...
I'm fat and bloated...
my hair is thinning and no longer the pretty long pale blonde I am used to brushing...
I can't exercise the way I am used to...
and now I have lost my cat.
I think I have been pushed and tested enough...
I'm ready to put down the burden and see some happiness...
I.Am.Weary.
I.Am.Tired.
I.Am.Exhausted.
I'm ready to have some lightness and fun...
to be able to lose weight....
to feel healthy...
and most of all to feel truly happy...
I had chemo on Friday and then lost my baby the next day...it's a whole lot for one human to take.
My kids are devastated and I am heartbroken for them and for all of us...
my kids have had enough to face this year and now this...
I'm done people...
I am so tired of trying to put a happy positive spin on this but frankly...
I GOT NOTHING...
NOTHING...
I'm empty and that positivity is gone...
Oh, I won't lay down and die so don't worry about that but this blog is purely about me unloading all the pain I am feeling...
I've worked very hard not to feel overly sorry for myself but dammit it's time I got a damn break...
the cat was more than I could bear...
I want some joy...and I want to be free of all this damn pain...
I know I should feel really lucky right now and most of you reading this are probably wondering why I am complaining when I should be grateful I am being treated for my cancer...
but then again most of you reading this do not have cancer so you don't know how bad it sucks...
I want to pull myself up and shake it all off and say that tomorrow will be better but right now I just don't have that love and happiness and Pollyanna attitude to do it...
I know I will go on each day and each day the pain will diminish but right now I am literally just waiting to see what the next giant boulder that is hurled at me is and why can't I just have a little rock instead of a crushing 80 foot ball of granite...
I need prayers...prayers for strength...
I don't need food...
I don't need company...
I don't need pet videos (please no more kitty videos for a bit)
I need strength...and I don't know where it will come from so I am asking you to find some and send it my way...
right now I just want to sit in my beautiful recliner and cry and cry and cry...
I have friends who have been through so much more than me...a friend who lost her beautiful daughter recently (to a long illness), other friends going through cancer treatments and illnesses, and friends who l have lost their parents lately...and others who have also lost their beloved fur babies lately...and I have one beautiful friend who is just trying to get her home back from being flooded and contractors who have taken advantage of her...
so i know it is not just me and I know I'm not the only person struggling...
but I can't take much more...
and I know my breaking point and I see it ahead of me and I need to find a way to retreat back from it...
so please forgive me if this is the most boring pitiful blog you have read for a while but I just needed to express my anger and hurt and weariness of it all...
Some days I feel like an oak...I am strong with strong roots...nothing can push me over...
some days I feel like a blade of grass...I am blowing in the wind but I am still rooted down...
some days I feel like I am a reed...the water is all around me yet still I remain strong...
some days I feel like a rose...the wind might blow my petals but my thorns keep stuff from hurting me...
some days I feel like a lemon tree...I am strong enough to bear fruit....
Today I am a dandelion puff...scattered with the slightest breeze...no longer whole and together and I came from a weed...
I will go on but my heart will take more time to recover than my body will...
and for my sweet Seringa who is up in heaven with the softest bed to lay on and plenty of catnip toys to enjoy I hope she went to heaven knowing that no kitty was ever more loved than she was...
I feel guilty that I missed she was so sick...but she didn't show it other than losing some weight and I blamed the diet food for that.
I should have known...
I was to selfishly wrapped up in me I failed to see what was happening around me...
and now she is gone...
and I am in such pain...
and the chemo is breaking me down...
and the cancer is being defeated but has a way to go before it's gone...
and I just don't have room for anyone else's---stuff....
so please forgive me if I am not "around" or as supportive as I usually am...
If I can't take on anyone else's troubles...
if I can't give good advice....
but for the better part of a year I have been feeling bad...and for the last 6 months I have been feeling terrible and for the last 2 days I have been broken...
I just need some time to find the source of my strength and build it up again...
I have God and my faith but I need His help to get me strong again...
I feel like I am laying naked on the hard ground and being pelted with hail...
I.Am.So.Tired.
But I will go on...
Inspiration Song: "My Heart Will Go On" from Titanic...because right now I know my heart will go on and I will survive but I don't see where I fit in the lifeboat...
Bye Darlings...saying goodbye is never easy and when it is an innocent animal it's so hard...pray for me and my baby Seringa...I know I will see her in heaven again but right now the me that is here misses her and feels so weak...
Saturday I had to put my sweet Seringa to sleep...
She was my little kitty...
she was a 14 year old Bengal cat and I have had her and her brother since they were able to leave their mama...
She was always a bit on the small side and had very slightly crossed eyes...
we always knew she was special...
I am so filled with pain I am not even sure I can write this blog but I have to do something to make myself feel better if I can...
I held her head in my hands as she crossed over the rainbow bridge...she was looking at me and then I saw the life leave her eyes and she was gone...
She was sick and in pain...she had cancer...
and I was so wrapped up in myself I didn't even know she was as sick as she was...
I noticed she had lost weight
But it was the tumor in her belly that I never knew was there that ultimately meant I had to let her go.
She was never a lap cat...she preferred to sit beside me in the bed but never on my lap on the couch...
She hated to be picked up and carried...she would rebel and cry if you did...
So it wasn't until she was so very sick that I felt the lump in her belly and knew something was terribly wrong...
Now that I look back on the last few months I see that her weight loss was not just due to the fact that I had to put all the cats on diet food because the boys were getting too fat...she was sick and I was missing it...
she never fussed or complained...
she was frail but strong at the end...
Up until a couple of days before she died she was as she always was...sleeping on my bed, up for meals and her box, hiding in my closet for some alone time, and wanting to drink the water up from the floor after my shower...
each night we would go to bed and she would spend 10-20 minutes "kneading" (we called it "making bread") on my side to soothe herself and then she would settle in next to me or between my legs to sleep.
Each night I slept with her near me for at least part of the night...
and now...
she is gone...
I know I did the right thing for her...heroic measures are never for the animals we love...we do it so we don't have to lose them...
but her fight was gone...she just wanted some peace and to sleep...
so I told the sweet vet that I agreed that in this instance the loving thing to do was to let her go...
and I haven't stopped crying since...
I look at her photos on my phone and I miss her...
seeing her food bowl is more than I can bear...
I had to cover up her little spot in my closet so it wouldn't look empty...
my bed looks wrong without her in it
and her brother keeps crying for her and looking for her...
It's more than I can bear...
This past year I have been challenged so much...
I've got two kids in college with little help from their dad to pay for things...
I have cancer...
I have felt crappy for a year...
I'm alone with no partner and there is no way right now I would attract one that would want the likes of me...
I'm fat and bloated...
my hair is thinning and no longer the pretty long pale blonde I am used to brushing...
I can't exercise the way I am used to...
and now I have lost my cat.
I think I have been pushed and tested enough...
I'm ready to put down the burden and see some happiness...
I.Am.Weary.
I.Am.Tired.
I.Am.Exhausted.
I'm ready to have some lightness and fun...
to be able to lose weight....
to feel healthy...
and most of all to feel truly happy...
I had chemo on Friday and then lost my baby the next day...it's a whole lot for one human to take.
My kids are devastated and I am heartbroken for them and for all of us...
my kids have had enough to face this year and now this...
I'm done people...
I am so tired of trying to put a happy positive spin on this but frankly...
I GOT NOTHING...
NOTHING...
I'm empty and that positivity is gone...
Oh, I won't lay down and die so don't worry about that but this blog is purely about me unloading all the pain I am feeling...
I've worked very hard not to feel overly sorry for myself but dammit it's time I got a damn break...
the cat was more than I could bear...
I want some joy...and I want to be free of all this damn pain...
I know I should feel really lucky right now and most of you reading this are probably wondering why I am complaining when I should be grateful I am being treated for my cancer...
but then again most of you reading this do not have cancer so you don't know how bad it sucks...
I want to pull myself up and shake it all off and say that tomorrow will be better but right now I just don't have that love and happiness and Pollyanna attitude to do it...
I know I will go on each day and each day the pain will diminish but right now I am literally just waiting to see what the next giant boulder that is hurled at me is and why can't I just have a little rock instead of a crushing 80 foot ball of granite...
I need prayers...prayers for strength...
I don't need food...
I don't need company...
I don't need pet videos (please no more kitty videos for a bit)
I need strength...and I don't know where it will come from so I am asking you to find some and send it my way...
right now I just want to sit in my beautiful recliner and cry and cry and cry...
I have friends who have been through so much more than me...a friend who lost her beautiful daughter recently (to a long illness), other friends going through cancer treatments and illnesses, and friends who l have lost their parents lately...and others who have also lost their beloved fur babies lately...and I have one beautiful friend who is just trying to get her home back from being flooded and contractors who have taken advantage of her...
so i know it is not just me and I know I'm not the only person struggling...
but I can't take much more...
and I know my breaking point and I see it ahead of me and I need to find a way to retreat back from it...
so please forgive me if this is the most boring pitiful blog you have read for a while but I just needed to express my anger and hurt and weariness of it all...
Some days I feel like an oak...I am strong with strong roots...nothing can push me over...
some days I feel like a blade of grass...I am blowing in the wind but I am still rooted down...
some days I feel like I am a reed...the water is all around me yet still I remain strong...
some days I feel like a rose...the wind might blow my petals but my thorns keep stuff from hurting me...
some days I feel like a lemon tree...I am strong enough to bear fruit....
Today I am a dandelion puff...scattered with the slightest breeze...no longer whole and together and I came from a weed...
I will go on but my heart will take more time to recover than my body will...
and for my sweet Seringa who is up in heaven with the softest bed to lay on and plenty of catnip toys to enjoy I hope she went to heaven knowing that no kitty was ever more loved than she was...
I feel guilty that I missed she was so sick...but she didn't show it other than losing some weight and I blamed the diet food for that.
I should have known...
I was to selfishly wrapped up in me I failed to see what was happening around me...
and now she is gone...
and I am in such pain...
and the chemo is breaking me down...
and the cancer is being defeated but has a way to go before it's gone...
and I just don't have room for anyone else's---stuff....
so please forgive me if I am not "around" or as supportive as I usually am...
If I can't take on anyone else's troubles...
if I can't give good advice....
but for the better part of a year I have been feeling bad...and for the last 6 months I have been feeling terrible and for the last 2 days I have been broken...
I just need some time to find the source of my strength and build it up again...
I have God and my faith but I need His help to get me strong again...
I feel like I am laying naked on the hard ground and being pelted with hail...
I.Am.So.Tired.
But I will go on...
Inspiration Song: "My Heart Will Go On" from Titanic...because right now I know my heart will go on and I will survive but I don't see where I fit in the lifeboat...
Bye Darlings...saying goodbye is never easy and when it is an innocent animal it's so hard...pray for me and my baby Seringa...I know I will see her in heaven again but right now the me that is here misses her and feels so weak...
Saturday, March 4, 2017
Head Games
Hi darlings...
Well I am back inside my head and not in a good way so I thought I would blog about it...blogging is my way of dumping the garbage that is inside of my head and getting it out...
it's like taking out the trash...
you gather it in the bag, take the bag to the big trash can and put a fresh trash bag in the can to collect the next batch of garbage...
that's what blogging does for me...it let's me start over with an empty bag and then there is room for more...
Years ago I started this blog as a way to get out the frustrations of my weight loss journey. I was posting long things on FB and my friends suggested I start a blog as a way to journal what I was going through.
My friend VictoriousVic suggested the name for the blog and it stuck...
little did I know that 7 years later that this blog was going to be so much more for me...
but then again 7 years ago I had no clue I would have cancer and this would be my therapy.
So today I was supposed to go and spin at 9:30...when my alarm went off at 7:45 I was still in a full deep sleep and I couldn't move. I cancelled my class (there is a charge for a late cancel which I totally understand) and went back to sleep and slept another hour...
I listened to my body...
but my head...
oh my head was saying other things like:
"you are fat and need to move"
"MarvelousMel is going to kill it today and you are in bed"
"you will never lose weight sleeping"
"how do you expect to be healthy if you can't exercise more"
"you are fat"
"you are fat"
"you are fat"
UGH
My head is a nasty, mean, rude creature...
and before I was hit with the cancer I often listened to my head and not my body...
but when you are confronted with the fact that you LITERALLY can't get out of bed you have no choice but to listen to what your 52 year old stage 3c cancer body is telling you.
Last night a friend messaged me that he was running in a 10K today---and he had just come off 14 days of chemotherapy for his illness...
that man is more of a badass than I am...
I was just trying to get to a spin class.
I've managed to stay away from Googling things about my condition since my unfortunate 2 AM mishap a few months ago. I learned my lesson that time. So no more Googling survival rates and I don't even want to know what radiation of my girl parts would be like so I am staying away from it.
But there are other ways my head messes with me...and lately most of it is based around my hair.
A year ago I had a full head of "thick for a blonde but very baby fine" hair that reached my waist and spent most of it's time in a ponytail...
I noticed that it was starting to thin---I chalked it up to the start of menopause and just upped my vitamin and mineral supplements to help the situation...
Now, thanks to menopause and chemotherapy, my hair is REALLY thinning...
Every time I brush my hair and I see all the hair in the brush I want to cry.
I'm lucky I can cold cap and keep most of my hair---I have a friend, GorgeousGirl, who has leakemia and she lost all of her gorgeous thick hair. And to add insult to injury she is a hairdresser...
I can't imagine it...
So I think of her as I clear out my hairbrush of what used to be a week's worth of hair loss that now happens in one day...
oh, that messes with my head good...
and the head says:
"you are gonna still go bald"
"your hair is falling out at a scary rate"
"you are spending money to keep hair and still losing it"
"fat and bald is not a good look on you Anice"
"what man will want a fat and bald cancer patient...the line will NOT be out the door"
"thank you cancer for letting me be 52 and menopausal and very unattractive at the same time"
Frankly I think cancer should make someone more beautiful and not less.
The funny thing is when I see photos of GorgeousGirl on social media she is still stunning to me even with no hair...and other women I see up at the cancer center look beautiful to me but when I stare at myself in the mirror I just see the thin hair, the missing eyelashes, and the fat.
But here's where it all falls into a head game: I still have a head full of hair....hair that many women my age would envy.
It's just what I see on the brush scares me and I freak out a bit.
And I can't avoid seeing the brush.
Having a low energy level and losing hair is hard but I think the hardest hurdle I face each day is trying to stay positive about all of it.
Yesterday I broke down at KuteKaren's house...she held me while I cried and handed me tissues to wipe away the tears. I try my best to be super strong and positive but sometimes I am just so damn scared of this cancer that I have a breakdown.
And it's good to have that breakdown with one of your besties because she knows all the dark places in your mind...
I try to face each day with positivity and faith...my faith never wavers but sometimes I get so scared of what is raging inside of I just have to let it spill out...
Because I am a mom my primary fear is leaving my kids...I have always prayed to God to please let me live long enough to meet my grandchildren and be there for my kids...
but now there is something that is trying to take that away from me and that something is CANCER...
it won't win...
I won't let it..
But it rages in my head sometimes...
When I have chemo I go into it like I am an athlete preparing for a big game. I pack my gear, I get my game face on and I hit the battlefield.
But lately I am having to put on my game face daily...as I succumb to the weariness of chemo and cancer and have to cancel my exercise classes and take a nap instead I am reminded that my body isn't just aging, but it's aging and fighting a war.
It's hard enough to get older...
and harder still to be getting older and seeing life as you planned slipping away from you...
and that your actual LIFE might be slipping away from you...
but...
and here's the big BUT to all of this...
I still believe I am a champion...
just like Ali I think I am the GREATEST...
I'm going to win this game, set, match...
I'm going to go down in the record books as one who fought to win and WON
but sometimes my head gets the best of me...and I falter...
I serve a fault...
I throw an interception...
I drop the ball...
I get a penalty...
I make a foul...
But in the game of winning at cancer as long as I don't get tossed out of the game I will win and I will wear the championship medal...
and that medal is my health...
and my healthy body...
(with less weight on it)
and a full head of hair...
and maybe someone out there that reads my words I put here will find the strength to go face the games in his/her head and will beat the odds and win...
Inspiration Song: "Head Games" by Foreigner...I loved Foreigner...I think I played the entire Foreigner 4 album a million times...
Bye Darlings: when the head games beat you out of what you want to do---try a new tactic to win. For me it was writing this blog...
Well I am back inside my head and not in a good way so I thought I would blog about it...blogging is my way of dumping the garbage that is inside of my head and getting it out...
it's like taking out the trash...
you gather it in the bag, take the bag to the big trash can and put a fresh trash bag in the can to collect the next batch of garbage...
that's what blogging does for me...it let's me start over with an empty bag and then there is room for more...
Years ago I started this blog as a way to get out the frustrations of my weight loss journey. I was posting long things on FB and my friends suggested I start a blog as a way to journal what I was going through.
My friend VictoriousVic suggested the name for the blog and it stuck...
little did I know that 7 years later that this blog was going to be so much more for me...
but then again 7 years ago I had no clue I would have cancer and this would be my therapy.
So today I was supposed to go and spin at 9:30...when my alarm went off at 7:45 I was still in a full deep sleep and I couldn't move. I cancelled my class (there is a charge for a late cancel which I totally understand) and went back to sleep and slept another hour...
I listened to my body...
but my head...
oh my head was saying other things like:
"you are fat and need to move"
"MarvelousMel is going to kill it today and you are in bed"
"you will never lose weight sleeping"
"how do you expect to be healthy if you can't exercise more"
"you are fat"
"you are fat"
"you are fat"
UGH
My head is a nasty, mean, rude creature...
and before I was hit with the cancer I often listened to my head and not my body...
but when you are confronted with the fact that you LITERALLY can't get out of bed you have no choice but to listen to what your 52 year old stage 3c cancer body is telling you.
Last night a friend messaged me that he was running in a 10K today---and he had just come off 14 days of chemotherapy for his illness...
that man is more of a badass than I am...
I was just trying to get to a spin class.
I've managed to stay away from Googling things about my condition since my unfortunate 2 AM mishap a few months ago. I learned my lesson that time. So no more Googling survival rates and I don't even want to know what radiation of my girl parts would be like so I am staying away from it.
But there are other ways my head messes with me...and lately most of it is based around my hair.
A year ago I had a full head of "thick for a blonde but very baby fine" hair that reached my waist and spent most of it's time in a ponytail...
I noticed that it was starting to thin---I chalked it up to the start of menopause and just upped my vitamin and mineral supplements to help the situation...
Now, thanks to menopause and chemotherapy, my hair is REALLY thinning...
Every time I brush my hair and I see all the hair in the brush I want to cry.
I'm lucky I can cold cap and keep most of my hair---I have a friend, GorgeousGirl, who has leakemia and she lost all of her gorgeous thick hair. And to add insult to injury she is a hairdresser...
I can't imagine it...
So I think of her as I clear out my hairbrush of what used to be a week's worth of hair loss that now happens in one day...
oh, that messes with my head good...
and the head says:
"you are gonna still go bald"
"your hair is falling out at a scary rate"
"you are spending money to keep hair and still losing it"
"fat and bald is not a good look on you Anice"
"what man will want a fat and bald cancer patient...the line will NOT be out the door"
"thank you cancer for letting me be 52 and menopausal and very unattractive at the same time"
Frankly I think cancer should make someone more beautiful and not less.
The funny thing is when I see photos of GorgeousGirl on social media she is still stunning to me even with no hair...and other women I see up at the cancer center look beautiful to me but when I stare at myself in the mirror I just see the thin hair, the missing eyelashes, and the fat.
But here's where it all falls into a head game: I still have a head full of hair....hair that many women my age would envy.
It's just what I see on the brush scares me and I freak out a bit.
And I can't avoid seeing the brush.
Having a low energy level and losing hair is hard but I think the hardest hurdle I face each day is trying to stay positive about all of it.
Yesterday I broke down at KuteKaren's house...she held me while I cried and handed me tissues to wipe away the tears. I try my best to be super strong and positive but sometimes I am just so damn scared of this cancer that I have a breakdown.
And it's good to have that breakdown with one of your besties because she knows all the dark places in your mind...
I try to face each day with positivity and faith...my faith never wavers but sometimes I get so scared of what is raging inside of I just have to let it spill out...
Because I am a mom my primary fear is leaving my kids...I have always prayed to God to please let me live long enough to meet my grandchildren and be there for my kids...
but now there is something that is trying to take that away from me and that something is CANCER...
it won't win...
I won't let it..
But it rages in my head sometimes...
When I have chemo I go into it like I am an athlete preparing for a big game. I pack my gear, I get my game face on and I hit the battlefield.
But lately I am having to put on my game face daily...as I succumb to the weariness of chemo and cancer and have to cancel my exercise classes and take a nap instead I am reminded that my body isn't just aging, but it's aging and fighting a war.
It's hard enough to get older...
and harder still to be getting older and seeing life as you planned slipping away from you...
and that your actual LIFE might be slipping away from you...
but...
and here's the big BUT to all of this...
I still believe I am a champion...
just like Ali I think I am the GREATEST...
I'm going to win this game, set, match...
I'm going to go down in the record books as one who fought to win and WON
but sometimes my head gets the best of me...and I falter...
I serve a fault...
I throw an interception...
I drop the ball...
I get a penalty...
I make a foul...
But in the game of winning at cancer as long as I don't get tossed out of the game I will win and I will wear the championship medal...
and that medal is my health...
and my healthy body...
(with less weight on it)
and a full head of hair...
and maybe someone out there that reads my words I put here will find the strength to go face the games in his/her head and will beat the odds and win...
Inspiration Song: "Head Games" by Foreigner...I loved Foreigner...I think I played the entire Foreigner 4 album a million times...
Bye Darlings: when the head games beat you out of what you want to do---try a new tactic to win. For me it was writing this blog...
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
Mad World
Hello Darlings...
I'm in a very foul mood...
extremely foul...
not sure what set me off but I feel like raging...and so I'm gonna publish this without editing so hang on to your seat...you might need a seatbelt...
the problem is that when I do rage it comes off as:
mean
unkind
selfish
stupid
ugly
nasty
rude
I have nothing I can pinpoint as to what set me off to feeling this way...I had a good day and a good spin class...
I can say one thing that set me off is politics...but not so much from the point of not agreeing about politics...
no, i think what set me off is that a woman I have considered a friend for 15 years has pretty much totally ignored me lately but jumps in on a political discussion and throws a falsehood in my face. I know I am a "raging liberal" and that has likely gotten me banned from many a FB newsfeed.
BTW I am a "raging liberal" in the sense that about every 10th post is political and tend to be more about human rights than my disdain for our current POTUS.
(exception: posts about Justin Trudeau...I will find just about any excuse to put him up on my FB wall...he might not drive a big ass truck but I am pretty sure he needs to be cloned for me)
But right now I am not in the mood to have someone who hasn't bothered once to express anything to me about my cancer try to give me a lesson in what happened at last nights address to Congress.
Because right now I am learning who my friends are and who they aren't.
My friends are people who show support, who can argue with respect, that are "here" for me in spirit even when they can't physically be.
My friends are not going to be determined by whether or not they copy and paste a post about cancer but rather if they have bothered to even just once reached out to me.
When the shit goes down you learn who your friends are...
And you also know who has taken you off their newsfeed but is still active on FB because you see them post on other people's stuff...
yeah...you learn...
but honestly I don't think I am really angry with this particular woman....if i am honest with myself she has never really been much of a "friend" anyway...
I think I am just flat out pissed off at the damn cancer...
I've had pity parties and gotten upset but today I am MAD...
I am mad as hell I have cancer...
I wish I didn't let the cancer define me but these days it does...and I really hate that.
When I run into someone I know who I am not friends with on social media I never quite know how to answer the question "how are you?"
Do I say:
Oh, I am good but I have cancer...
or do I just say nothing...
I usually just say "oh, I am fine..." because who really wants to know about the cancer anyway...
I mean really when you ask that question who wants to hear:
"I have stage 3c uterine pappilary serous carcinoma...I am tired all the time and I had to have a full hysterectomy so now I don't just have cancer but I am also in menopause!!!!!! And how is your life these days?!?!?"
No!
No one wants to hear that...so I just usually say "I am fine thanks!" and move on and ask about them to avoid the whole "I have cancer by the way" discussion.
Plus it makes them feel crappy if they don't know...as if I should have some sort of mark on me that indicates I have cancer (like ashes on a Christian on Ash Wednesday).
Maybe that would help...a mark...
a bid "c" on your forhead...or something like that...
I'm not bald and thankfully I don't look sick so if you were to run into me on the street you might notice I have gained weight and my hair is thinner and I have no eyelashes but otherwise I look "normal".
Thank you Jesus...I need something to be/look/act/seem normal
Having cancer makes you crazy...it makes you depressed, angry, and sometimes filled with rage...
And tonight I think I was just raging against all of it and got my feelings hurt by a woman who I need not bother with anymore and should have just left it all on the bike in my spin class (that's why I am going tomorrow...to let the rage out)..
I think anger can be healthy if it is properly expelled...that's why I blog so I don't throw my fabric scissors at the wall in my workroom...
it's also why I do yoga...I can channel all that emotion into me on the mat...
and sometimes I just need to laugh as much as I can so I don't cry until I can't stop...
I do cry...
I cry a lot...
it releases a lot of anger, hurt, fear...
but sometimes I do want to just HIT something (and now my friend MarvelousMaggie will suggest I come with her to her martial arts stuff...and I will counter with "let's yoga")
I'm a lover not a fighter but I am beginning to think having a punching bag in my garage might be a good thing so that I don't verbally assault someone...
cancer makes you mad as hell...
mad
as
hell
and there is nothing you can do about it...
drinking doesn't help...
I tried that and one cocktail in I got scared I was messing up my body so the martinis are now on probation and only allowed when I don't have ice cream in the house...
there is a lot of ice cream in the house...
and a lot of Halo Top because I need to diet and not eat vats of gelato...
Getting mad doesn't change the cancer but sometimes getting to just feel like letting the rage out really helps...
I would run but I have awful knees
I would try MMA but, well, see above...
I would try boxing but, well...
you see a pattern emerging?
That's why I spin and do yoga...so I can get the rage out...
but tonight I just needed to get mad as hell and I did....for a whole hour I was pounding these keys on this computer and pacing about the room and I ate mac and cheese for dinner...
the kind out of the yellow box...
the "bad" not Martha kind...
and you know what?
I feel better...
I still have cancer...
I ate Velveeta shells and cheese
I did a spin class
I have gelato calling my name
but I got through this anger tonight without breaking anything except maybe a friendship with someone who has not really been a friend to me...
so if you want to help me with the cancer do this:
ask me how I am doing when you see me and if I shrug and say "ok" just change the subject...
take me out so I am not a hermit...
pray for me (that's the main thing)
don't post that copy and paste thing on your FB wall that says "I'm gonna find out who my real friends are" ...that thing just pisses me off...no ones cancer is cured by that...
crawfish is good...I could do with a cold beer and a big thing of crawfish...take me out for crawfish...a
and ramen...ramen is the key to my heart these days...
And if I get mad again I will just lay it all here...
so you can all suffer with me lol...
Inspiration Song: "Mad World" by Tears for Fears...because this cancer world I am living in is a mad world indeed...
Bye Darlings: don't let this mad world let you be mad AT the world...I have that covered (at least tonight)...
I'm in a very foul mood...
extremely foul...
not sure what set me off but I feel like raging...and so I'm gonna publish this without editing so hang on to your seat...you might need a seatbelt...
the problem is that when I do rage it comes off as:
mean
unkind
selfish
stupid
ugly
nasty
rude
I have nothing I can pinpoint as to what set me off to feeling this way...I had a good day and a good spin class...
I can say one thing that set me off is politics...but not so much from the point of not agreeing about politics...
no, i think what set me off is that a woman I have considered a friend for 15 years has pretty much totally ignored me lately but jumps in on a political discussion and throws a falsehood in my face. I know I am a "raging liberal" and that has likely gotten me banned from many a FB newsfeed.
BTW I am a "raging liberal" in the sense that about every 10th post is political and tend to be more about human rights than my disdain for our current POTUS.
(exception: posts about Justin Trudeau...I will find just about any excuse to put him up on my FB wall...he might not drive a big ass truck but I am pretty sure he needs to be cloned for me)
But right now I am not in the mood to have someone who hasn't bothered once to express anything to me about my cancer try to give me a lesson in what happened at last nights address to Congress.
Because right now I am learning who my friends are and who they aren't.
My friends are people who show support, who can argue with respect, that are "here" for me in spirit even when they can't physically be.
My friends are not going to be determined by whether or not they copy and paste a post about cancer but rather if they have bothered to even just once reached out to me.
When the shit goes down you learn who your friends are...
And you also know who has taken you off their newsfeed but is still active on FB because you see them post on other people's stuff...
yeah...you learn...
but honestly I don't think I am really angry with this particular woman....if i am honest with myself she has never really been much of a "friend" anyway...
I think I am just flat out pissed off at the damn cancer...
I've had pity parties and gotten upset but today I am MAD...
I am mad as hell I have cancer...
I wish I didn't let the cancer define me but these days it does...and I really hate that.
When I run into someone I know who I am not friends with on social media I never quite know how to answer the question "how are you?"
Do I say:
Oh, I am good but I have cancer...
or do I just say nothing...
I usually just say "oh, I am fine..." because who really wants to know about the cancer anyway...
I mean really when you ask that question who wants to hear:
"I have stage 3c uterine pappilary serous carcinoma...I am tired all the time and I had to have a full hysterectomy so now I don't just have cancer but I am also in menopause!!!!!! And how is your life these days?!?!?"
No!
No one wants to hear that...so I just usually say "I am fine thanks!" and move on and ask about them to avoid the whole "I have cancer by the way" discussion.
Plus it makes them feel crappy if they don't know...as if I should have some sort of mark on me that indicates I have cancer (like ashes on a Christian on Ash Wednesday).
Maybe that would help...a mark...
a bid "c" on your forhead...or something like that...
I'm not bald and thankfully I don't look sick so if you were to run into me on the street you might notice I have gained weight and my hair is thinner and I have no eyelashes but otherwise I look "normal".
Thank you Jesus...I need something to be/look/act/seem normal
Having cancer makes you crazy...it makes you depressed, angry, and sometimes filled with rage...
And tonight I think I was just raging against all of it and got my feelings hurt by a woman who I need not bother with anymore and should have just left it all on the bike in my spin class (that's why I am going tomorrow...to let the rage out)..
I think anger can be healthy if it is properly expelled...that's why I blog so I don't throw my fabric scissors at the wall in my workroom...
it's also why I do yoga...I can channel all that emotion into me on the mat...
and sometimes I just need to laugh as much as I can so I don't cry until I can't stop...
I do cry...
I cry a lot...
it releases a lot of anger, hurt, fear...
but sometimes I do want to just HIT something (and now my friend MarvelousMaggie will suggest I come with her to her martial arts stuff...and I will counter with "let's yoga")
I'm a lover not a fighter but I am beginning to think having a punching bag in my garage might be a good thing so that I don't verbally assault someone...
cancer makes you mad as hell...
mad
as
hell
and there is nothing you can do about it...
drinking doesn't help...
I tried that and one cocktail in I got scared I was messing up my body so the martinis are now on probation and only allowed when I don't have ice cream in the house...
there is a lot of ice cream in the house...
and a lot of Halo Top because I need to diet and not eat vats of gelato...
Getting mad doesn't change the cancer but sometimes getting to just feel like letting the rage out really helps...
I would run but I have awful knees
I would try MMA but, well, see above...
I would try boxing but, well...
you see a pattern emerging?
That's why I spin and do yoga...so I can get the rage out...
but tonight I just needed to get mad as hell and I did....for a whole hour I was pounding these keys on this computer and pacing about the room and I ate mac and cheese for dinner...
the kind out of the yellow box...
the "bad" not Martha kind...
and you know what?
I feel better...
I still have cancer...
I ate Velveeta shells and cheese
I did a spin class
I have gelato calling my name
but I got through this anger tonight without breaking anything except maybe a friendship with someone who has not really been a friend to me...
so if you want to help me with the cancer do this:
ask me how I am doing when you see me and if I shrug and say "ok" just change the subject...
take me out so I am not a hermit...
pray for me (that's the main thing)
don't post that copy and paste thing on your FB wall that says "I'm gonna find out who my real friends are" ...that thing just pisses me off...no ones cancer is cured by that...
crawfish is good...I could do with a cold beer and a big thing of crawfish...take me out for crawfish...a
and ramen...ramen is the key to my heart these days...
And if I get mad again I will just lay it all here...
so you can all suffer with me lol...
Inspiration Song: "Mad World" by Tears for Fears...because this cancer world I am living in is a mad world indeed...
Bye Darlings: don't let this mad world let you be mad AT the world...I have that covered (at least tonight)...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)