Head Games

Hi darlings...

Well I am back inside my head and not in a good way so I thought I would blog about it...blogging is my way of dumping the garbage that is inside of my head and getting it out...

it's like taking out the trash...

you gather it in the bag, take the bag to the big trash can and put a fresh trash bag in the can to collect the next batch of garbage...

that's what blogging does for me...it let's me start over with an empty bag and then there is room for more...

Years ago I started this blog as a way to get out the frustrations of my weight loss journey.  I was posting long things on FB and my friends suggested I start a blog as a way to journal what I was going through.

My friend VictoriousVic suggested the name for the blog and it stuck...

little did I know that 7 years later that this blog was going to be so much more for me...

but then again 7 years ago I had no clue I would have cancer and this would be my therapy.

So today I was supposed to go and spin at 9:30...when my alarm went off at 7:45 I was still in a full deep sleep and I couldn't move.  I cancelled my class (there is a charge for a late cancel which I totally understand) and went back to sleep and slept another hour...

I listened to my body...

but my head...

oh my head was saying other things like:

"you are fat and need to move"

"MarvelousMel is going to kill it today and you are in bed"

"you will never lose weight sleeping"

"how do you expect to be healthy if you can't exercise more"

"you are fat"

"you are fat"

"you are fat"

UGH

My head is a nasty, mean, rude creature...

and before I was hit with the cancer I often listened to my head and not my body...

but when you are confronted with the fact that you LITERALLY can't get out of bed you have no choice but to listen to what your 52 year old stage 3c cancer body is telling you.

Last night a friend messaged me that he was running in a 10K today---and he had just come off 14 days of chemotherapy for his illness...

that man is more of a badass than I am...

I was just trying to get to a spin class.

I've managed to stay away from Googling things about my condition since my unfortunate 2 AM mishap a few months ago.  I learned my lesson that time.  So no more Googling survival rates and I don't even want to know what radiation of my girl parts would be like so I am staying away from it.

But there are other ways my head messes with me...and lately most of it is based around my hair.

A year ago I had a full head of "thick for a blonde but very baby fine" hair that reached my waist and spent most of it's time in a ponytail...

I noticed that it was starting to thin---I chalked it up to the start of menopause and just upped my vitamin and mineral supplements to help the situation...

Now, thanks to menopause and chemotherapy, my hair is REALLY thinning...

Every time I brush my hair and I see all the hair in the brush I want to cry.

I'm lucky I can cold cap and keep most of my hair---I have a friend, GorgeousGirl, who has leakemia and she lost all of her gorgeous thick hair.  And to add insult to injury she is a hairdresser...

I can't imagine it...

So I think of her as I clear out my hairbrush of what used to be a week's worth of hair loss that now happens in one day...

oh, that messes with my head good...

and the head says:

"you are gonna still go bald"

"your hair is falling out at a scary rate"

"you are spending money to keep hair and still losing it"

"fat and bald is not a good look on you Anice"

"what man will want a fat and bald cancer patient...the line will NOT be out the door"

"thank you cancer for letting me be 52 and menopausal and very unattractive at the same time"

Frankly I think cancer should make someone more beautiful and not less.

The funny thing is when I see photos of GorgeousGirl on social media she is still stunning to me even with no hair...and other women I see up at the cancer center look beautiful to me but when I stare at myself in the mirror I just see the thin hair, the missing eyelashes, and the fat.

But here's where it all falls into a head game: I still have a head full of hair....hair that many women my age would envy.

It's just what I see on the brush scares me and I freak out a bit.

And I can't avoid seeing the brush.

Having a low energy level and losing hair is hard but I think the hardest hurdle I face each day is trying to stay positive about all of it.

Yesterday I broke down at KuteKaren's house...she held me while I cried and handed me tissues to wipe away the tears.  I try my best to be super strong and positive but sometimes I am just so damn scared of this cancer that I have a breakdown.

And it's good to have that breakdown with one of your besties because she knows all the dark places in your mind...

I try to face each day with positivity and faith...my faith never wavers but sometimes I get so scared of what is raging inside of I just have to let it spill out...

Because I am a mom my primary fear is leaving my kids...I have always prayed to God to please let me live long enough to meet my grandchildren and be there for my kids...

but now there is something that is trying to take that away from me and that something is CANCER...

it won't win...
I won't let it..

But it rages in my head sometimes...

When I have chemo I go into it like I am an athlete preparing for a big game.  I pack my gear, I get my game face on and I hit the battlefield.

But lately I am having to put on my game face daily...as I succumb to the weariness of chemo and cancer and have to cancel my exercise classes and take a nap instead I am reminded that my body isn't just aging, but it's aging and fighting a war.

It's hard enough to get older...
and harder still to be getting older and seeing life as you planned slipping away from you...
and that your actual LIFE might be slipping away from you...

but...

and here's the big BUT to all of this...

I still believe I am a champion...

just like Ali I think I am the GREATEST...

I'm going to win this game, set, match...

I'm going to go down in the record books as one who fought to win and WON

but sometimes my head gets the best of me...and I falter...

I serve a fault...
I throw an interception...
I drop the ball...
I get a penalty...
I make a foul...

But in the game of winning at cancer as long as I don't get tossed out of the game I will win and I will wear the championship medal...

and that medal is my health...
and my healthy body...
(with less weight on it)
and a full head of hair...

and maybe someone out there that reads my words I put here will find the strength to go face the games in his/her head and will beat the odds and win...

Inspiration Song: "Head Games" by Foreigner...I loved Foreigner...I think I played the entire Foreigner 4 album a million times...

Bye Darlings: when the head games beat you out of what you want to do---try a new tactic to win.  For me it was writing this blog...