Monday, July 31, 2017

You Will Be Found

Hi darlings...

So yesterday I unloaded on how lost I am feeling right now...

It's crazy that all I wanted was to get through my cancer treatments and now I am terrified that I am done and worried and scared out of my mind that I will wake up tomorrow and it will have come back.

Cancer is a mind f**k...sorry for the bad word but it is the best word for it...

I'm still trying to process everything I have been through for the past 9 months...I go back and read my old blogs and I can feel all the pain I felt at the time I wrote them...

so
much
pain

and

so
much
fear

I honestly marvel now that I made it through because I think of myself as very much a child and scared of everything...

cockroaches can literally paralyze me with fear...fear to the point I shake...and it's a damn bug...

I'm so scared of heights I can't get on a ladder or stand on a chair. GOTT once asked me to stand on a ladder so he could focus a light and he heard a banging noise and asked what it was and it was ME ON THE LADDER SHAKING SO HARD THE LADDER WAS BANGING...

I'm afraid every time I get on a plane and if I travel alone I feel like I'm a child and I need an escort...

I'm afraid of needles... and even after all the needle sticks I have had over the last 9 months I still whine when I have a blood draw and I have to have a numbing shot before they access my port...

I was terrified of the chemo and radiation.

T
E
R
R
I
F
I
E
D

TERRIFIED
TERRIFIED
TERRIFIED

I was afraid I would be terribly sick.

I was afraid I was going to lose my hair (thanks to cold capping I did not) and that I would get sick (thanks to good meds I didn't) and that I would gain weight (ugh...yes...5 lbs each round).

I was afraid radiation would burn me (it didn't) and that it would make me sick (only mildly nauseated) or have lower gut issues (my heavily veggie diet aggravated that so that was my fault).  I was afraid my bowel and bladder would suffer permanent damage (I'm fine) and that it would hurt (it didn't).  I told my radiation oncologist I was afraid of what he was going to do to me and that I would be messed up after and that I didn't want to feel crappy again...

guess what---none of that happened...(Dr. Angel is such an angel---he took good care of me).

I still have big doctor crushes on Dr. Rockstar and now Dr. Angel----because all the things I feared were just that---fears.  They made sure I was ok and I am...

One of the things that also caused me anxiety was the fear that I was going through this alone without a partner.  I even whined about it in a blog.

But I was blessed beyond belief to have a web of support that goes above and beyond what a boyfriend/lover/partner could have done for me.

I didn't go through this alone...I had so much love and support and help that I will never be able to repay it.

KuteKaren has been by my side through many doctor appointments and held my hand when I had to hear bad news.  She went with me to meet Dr. Angel and calmed me down when I had to hear hard things.

TwirlerGirl was by my side through each and every chemo.  She put my cold caps on and fetched me food.  I have hair because she worked damn hard for it.  She let me cry on the phone to her nonstop and has listened to me whine and fuss for hours at a time.  She brought me home from every chemo and settled me in at home when I was tired from all the poison in me.

WonderWoman (who kicked ovarian cancer in the ass) came down on my last chemo to give me love and support.  She counseled me through chemo and her honesty is probably why I got through it so well because I was prepared for what was coming.

GOTT and GOTTESS have lifted me up with so much love I am beyond blessed to call them my chosen family.  GOTT knew I was sick and did everything possible to help me through it at work and during our shows.  I am blessed that I get to go to work and be with my best friend.

TerrificTrish came into my life in the most perfect way possible.  We met at spin class!  I met my soul sister at my sanctuary and in the perfection that is our friendship she had uterine cancer and THE SAME DOCTORS I HAVE! Yes! She had Dr. Rockstar and Dr. Angel to save her life too!  Dr. Rockstar LOVES that we met at spin and Dr. Angel is highly amused that we are friends.  He's mildly afraid of us and one day we will terrify that poor dear man by showing up at his office together to thank him for being awesome.

My students have been amazing through all of this.  I love them beyond measure and they took such care to help me and love me through it all.  They got flu shots to protect me, they stayed away when I was sick, they sent me messages to keep me going, they worked when I couldn't, they gave me such love that I can't believe I get to love them all...

My friends at school have been amazing.  The Music Man (our choir and music director) and SweetLisa (the department assistant) took such great care of me and gave me amazing hugs and love. They checked on me constantly and helped me as much as they could.  The chaplain at school prayed with and for me and teachers who knew of my battle prayed for me and lifted me up.  I'm so blessed.

My children have been so incredible through all of this...it was harder on them than anyone and they were so brave and fabulous.  I fought this battle for THEM and I won for THEM and each time when I wanted to give up I didn't give up because I need to live to be their mom...

JayVee, SweetSuzanne, PrettyPhyllis, my "Aunt" Susan, my "moms" Shari and Jo, and so many friends held me up when I wanted to just lay down and give up.

My housekeeper Su took such amazing care of me.  She played nurse, she cooked for me, she did everything possible to help me.  She's my sister from another mister and so much more than my housekeeper...she gave me love beyond what I deserve.

I had incredible doctors who have incredible teams and nurses and assistants who never made me feel like I was alone in my fight.  They made me feel like they were battling with me and took such incredible care of me.  Everyone from the beautiful receptionist to the nurses to the doctors made me feel so safe each and every day...

My Aunt Jane has been by my side throughout ALL of this.  She slept at the hospital with me.  She goes to the doctor appointments.  She took me to chemo and radiation.  She's been better support to me than my own mother would have been.  I could not have done this without her.

My mother would have been a hot mess with this.  First of all she would have gone all Shirley MacLaine in Terms of Endearment with the nurses at the hospital.  It would have happened.  There would have been some screaming and pounding on the nurses station desk that I was in pain and needed the pain medication.  She would have been glorious at it.

She also would have been all about Debbie with it.

Instead of  "My DAUGHTER has cancer"

it would have been:

"MY daughter has cancer"

yes, it would have been all about her...but that's ok...but I am very glad I had my Aunt Jane there for me...she has been "my person" all of my life when it comes to the person who looks after me the most.

Would it have been nice to have someone to hold me when I hurt?  To kiss away the pain and fear?  To hold me in bed when I couldn't sleep?  To say "I love you" before poison was poured into my veins?  To tell me I was still pretty when I was fat and bloated and losing some hair and pale and sickly?  To say "baby you are strong and I am here for you?"

hell yes...

but that was not how this worked out...

and after all I have been through I now see how God has forged me in fire to be ready for that relationship when it happens...

and maybe he won't have blue eyes
and maybe he won't have dimples
and maybe he won't drive a big ass truck

he might have glasses and drive a sedan....

who knows...

but I do know that whoever it is that God has for me he will have to be a very understanding man because he didn't go through the fire with me and so there are things he will not know...but hopefully he will see a woman who burned to be alive and will admire the fire and fight I have inside me.

I've learned so much from having cancer.

But one of the greatest lessons I have learned is that you are not alone even if you feel like your are.

There are dark dark moments in our lives.  Times we think that NOTHING and NO ONE can help us out of the darkness.

It doesn't just have to be cancer...that just happens to be what my burden was.

Everyone has moments of despair...
of feeling alone...
of feeling like no one understands...
feeling like you are the only person who knows what something feels like...

THOSE moments happen to all of us.

But we are not alone...

someone is always there...it may not be who you expect...or maybe it is...

but SOMEONE will be there for you...

and, because I am a woman of faith, I know that GOD is there too.

I was telling JayVee today that I know God did not give me cancer to punish me.

There is a purpose to me going through it.

Maybe it is to help others by telling my story...maybe it will get someone to the doctor...

or maybe it is to spread the word about cold capping...

or maybe it is because my doctors learned something about cancer because of my case...

maybe it was to refine me for what is next to come in my life...

or maybe who is to come in my life...

whatever the reason is I know it was not a punishment and it was not because I deserved to have to suffer.

Millions of people get cancer...some, like me, are lucky...and some, sadly, are not...

cancer is vicious and ugly...but those of us who have survived are new people...we have been through a refinement that can only come out of a scary dark place.

But everyone has a scary dark place and it doesn't have to be medical.

My scary dark place was cancer...yours might be something very different.

But just know that in your life you have people who will hold you up when you can't stand.
People who will pull you to shore when you can't swim...
People who will sing for you when you can't sing...
People who will take time for you...

you are not alone...

and I am here...

Thank God---I.Am.Here.

Thank you all for being "here" for me when I needed love and support...all of you who read my blogs, who post on social media, who called and texted, all of you who prayed for me...I love and appreciate you more than you will ever know...

when I was broken and on the ground...thanks to all of you I was found...

Inspiration song: "You Will Be Found" from the musical "Dear Evan Hansen".  I'm obsessed with that musical and this song in particular. The words are beautiful...here are some of them:

Have you ever felt like nobody was there?
Have you ever felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere?
Have you ever felt like you could disappear?
Like you could fall, and no one would hear?

Well, let that lonely feeling wash away
Maybe there's a reason to believe you'll be okay
'Cause when you don't feel strong enough to stand
You can reach, reach out your hand

And oh, someone will coming running
And I know, they'll take you home

Even when the dark comes crashing through
When you need a friend to carry you
And when you're broken on the ground
You will be found

So let the sun come streaming in
'Cause you'll reach up and you'll rise again
Lift your head and look around
You will be found
You will be found
You will be found
You will be found
You will be found


Bye Darlings---I thought I was in this fight alone but I wasn't...I had all of you to pick me up off the ground and keep me going...









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