Mad World

Hello Darlings...

I'm in a very foul mood...

extremely foul...

not sure what set me off but I feel like raging...and so I'm gonna publish this without editing so hang on to your seat...you might need a seatbelt...

the problem is that when I do rage it comes off as:
mean
unkind
selfish
stupid
ugly
nasty
rude

I have nothing I can pinpoint as to what set me off to feeling this way...I had a good day and a good spin class...

I can say one thing that set me off is politics...but not so much from the point of not agreeing about politics...

no, i think what set me off is that a woman I have considered a friend for 15 years has pretty much totally ignored me lately but jumps in on a political discussion and throws a falsehood in my face.  I know I am a "raging liberal" and that has likely gotten me banned from many a FB newsfeed.

BTW I am a "raging liberal" in the sense that about every 10th post is political and tend to be more about human rights than my disdain for our current POTUS.

(exception: posts about Justin Trudeau...I will find just about any excuse to put him up on my FB wall...he might not drive a big ass truck but I am pretty sure he needs to be cloned for me)

But right now I am not in the mood to have someone who hasn't bothered once to express anything to me about my cancer try to give me a lesson in what happened at last nights address to Congress.

Because right now I am learning who my friends are and who they aren't.

My friends are people who show support, who can argue with respect, that are "here" for me in spirit even when they can't physically be.

My friends are not going to be determined by whether or not they copy and paste a post about cancer but rather if they have bothered to even just once reached out to me.

When the shit goes down you learn who your friends are...

And you also know who has taken you off their newsfeed but is still active on FB because you see them post on other people's stuff...

yeah...you learn...

but honestly I don't think I am really angry with this particular woman....if i am honest with myself she has never really been much of a "friend" anyway...

I think I am just flat out pissed off at the damn cancer...

I've had pity parties and gotten upset but today I am MAD...

I am mad as hell I have cancer...

I wish I didn't let the cancer define me but these days it does...and I really hate that.

When I run into someone I know who I am not friends with on social media I never quite know how to answer the question "how are you?"

Do I say:
Oh, I am good but I have cancer...

or do I just say nothing...

I usually just say "oh, I am fine..." because who really wants to know about the cancer anyway...

I mean really when you ask that question who wants to hear:
"I have stage 3c uterine pappilary serous carcinoma...I am tired all the time and I had to have a full hysterectomy so now I don't just have cancer but I am also in menopause!!!!!!  And how is your life these days?!?!?"

No!

No one wants to hear that...so I just usually say "I am fine thanks!" and move on and ask about them to avoid the whole "I have cancer by the way" discussion.

Plus it makes them feel crappy if they don't know...as if I should have some sort of mark on me that indicates I have cancer (like ashes on a Christian on Ash Wednesday).

Maybe that would help...a mark...

a bid "c" on your forhead...or something like that...

I'm not bald and thankfully I don't look sick so if you were to run into me on the street you might notice I have gained weight and my hair is thinner and I have no eyelashes but otherwise I look "normal".

Thank you Jesus...I need something to be/look/act/seem normal

Having cancer makes you crazy...it makes you depressed, angry, and sometimes filled with rage...

And tonight I think I was just raging against all of it and got my feelings hurt by a woman who I need not bother with anymore and should have just left it all on the bike in my spin class (that's why I am going tomorrow...to let the rage out)..

I think anger can be healthy if it is properly expelled...that's why I blog so I don't throw my fabric scissors at the wall in my workroom...

it's also why I do yoga...I can channel all that emotion into me on the mat...

and sometimes I just need to laugh as much as I can so I don't cry until I can't stop...

I do cry...
I cry a lot...

it releases a lot of anger, hurt, fear...

but sometimes I do want to just HIT something (and now my friend MarvelousMaggie will suggest I come with her to her martial arts stuff...and I will counter with "let's yoga")

I'm a lover not a fighter but I am beginning to think having a punching bag in my garage might be a good thing so that I don't verbally assault someone...

cancer makes you mad as hell...

mad
as
hell

and there is nothing you can do about it...

drinking doesn't help...

I tried that and one cocktail in I got scared I was messing up my body so the martinis are now on probation and only allowed when I don't have ice cream in the house...

there is a lot of ice cream in the house...

and a lot of Halo Top because I need to diet and not eat vats of gelato...

Getting mad doesn't change the cancer but sometimes getting to just feel like letting the rage out really helps...

I would run but I have awful knees
I would try MMA but, well, see above...
I would try boxing but, well...
you see a pattern emerging?

That's why I spin and do yoga...so I can get the rage out...

but tonight I just needed to get mad as hell and I did....for a whole hour I was pounding these keys on this computer and pacing about the room and I ate mac and cheese for dinner...

the kind out of the yellow box...

the "bad" not Martha kind...

and you know what?

I feel better...

I still have cancer...
I ate Velveeta shells and cheese
I did a spin class
I have gelato calling my name

but I got through this anger tonight without breaking anything except maybe a friendship with someone who has not really been a friend to me...

so if you want to help me with the cancer do this:

ask me how I am doing when you see me and if I shrug and say "ok" just change the subject...

take me out so I am not a hermit...

pray for me (that's the main thing)

don't post that copy and paste thing on your FB wall that says "I'm gonna find out who my real friends are" ...that thing just pisses me off...no ones cancer is cured by that...

crawfish is good...I could do with a cold beer and a big thing of crawfish...take me out for crawfish...a

and ramen...ramen is the key to my heart these days...

And if I get mad again I will just lay it all here...

so you can all suffer with me lol...

Inspiration Song: "Mad World" by Tears for Fears...because this cancer world I am living in is a mad world indeed...

Bye Darlings: don't let this mad world let you be mad AT the world...I have that covered (at least tonight)...