Hips Don't Lie

Hello Darlings

well you know how I said I wanted to stop blogging about my cancer and my health?

Best laid plans...

But at least this IS NOT cancer...just a medical thing

My hips...specifically my left hip...is killing me.

And by killing me I mean that I have cried and screamed in pain trying to walk across my house...

My knees bother me regularly but I have never had joint pain like this before.

It starts in my hip and radiates down my leg.

I can't get comfortable...

Standing is unbearable...

Walking can be "it hurts but not awful" to "I can't take one more step"

Sitting is uncomfortable...no way to sit and not feel it.

Laying down is the only time I am not fully in pain...I'm at about 2-3 on a pain scale of 10 when I am in bed...otherwise it goes from 5-9...

9

not kidding...sharp dreadful "what the hell is that" pain.

I consulted Dr. Google about it...

I mean why go to a real doc when I can just get on WebMD or see what Google says...

And let me divert to WebMD for a moment---whenever I used to consult WebMD I would always get a list of answers and of course "cancer" was there.

It always made me think I had cancer...

And I always said "WebMD" always thinks I have cancer...maybe I have cancer!

But when I consulted it with my symptoms when I was bleeding and having the pain and my body felt off the last symptom on the list was Uterine Cancer.

And all those times I consulted it thinking I had cancer it was the one time I didn't think "I have cancer"....

because when the little voice in your head says something really really scary you can silence it by pretending nothing is wrong...

I'm not very good at quieting the scary voice so of course the minute all this pain started my head jumped to this:

OMG I HAVE HORRIBLE PAIN AND IT IS FOR SURE THE CANCER BECAUSE MY CANCER WAS IN MY PELVIS AND THIS IS IN MY PELVIS AND THEY RADIATED MY PELVIS SO NOW I PROBABLY HAVE BONE CANCER OR JOINT CANCER OR LYMPH GLANDS WITH CANCER SO BIG THEY ARE PRESSING ON MY JOINT SO IT IS FOR SURE CANCER AND I AM DYING BECAUSE DR ROCKSTAR SAID IF IT COMES BACK IT IS A BEAR TO DEAL WITH AND DR ANGEL SAYS WE DO NOT WANT A RECURRANCE BUT HERE I AM AND IT IS CANCER AND ALL THIS PAIN IS CANCER AND THE CANCER IS EATING ME UP AND I AM GOING TO DIE

yes....

that's EXACTLY what I said in my head about 50 million times over the last 5 days I have been dealing with this.

So I consulted WebMD and cancer didn't show up as an option

(whew)

but my brain just goes there anyway...

honestly I am pretty sure it is just bursitis of the hip but I think once you have had cancer ANYTHING that goes wonky with your body you will assume it is cancer.

I plan to go see Dr. Joint tomorrow (my orthopedic surgeon) and see if he can't fix me up so I can walk and most importantly spin and do yoga again (yes that is more important than just mere walking).

I've been dealing with this for 5 days and I have definitely learned something about myself and not just that my hip hurts like hell.

This little adventure in pain has taught me that not only will I always assume that my cancer is back but I also have learned I am super stubborn.

I should have called the doctor by Friday at the latest...but nooooo...

you see in my head it was cancer and I didn't want to hear it...

also I was afraid I would have to have an MRI and no way did I want that...

and I felt I could just use ice and heat and stretching and rest and it would go away...

but no...

still as bad...

maybe worse...

I'm very stubborn about these kinds of things so I end up messing myself up with it.

And as for resting---y'all know I hate that...

I live for my hustles and flows (my spin and yoga) and it does so much for me...everytime I walk into Revolution Studio I am instantly happy and ready for some good sweat and time with my friends there.

When I am away from spin and yoga and Revolution I am depressed...

literally...

I NEED to sweat and ride and move...

So not being able to for 5 days is making me cuckoo...

And I don't do well with sitting around...

So yeah, I am stubborn about going to see the doc and I need to workout to be happy...and cancer is the first thing I think is going on when something goes wrong with me...

which ultimately leads to the biggest thing I see about myself through all of this:

LOSS OF CONTROL

yep...this has caused me a loss of control and I am not dealing with it very well.

you see now that I have had all that cancer stuff I need to feel in control of my body again...I need to feel like my body is well and whole and healthy...

and there is NOTHING I can do about this hip pain other than to take pain killers (not an option I like at all) and occasionally I can find a position to lay or sit in that gives me a few minutes relief from the throbbing stinging burning pain.

During all of my cancer treatments I had no control---I couldn't control the pain, I couldn't control the nausea unless I took pills (which I hate), I had no control of my schedule--my life was planned around treatments, I had no control over the way I felt after chemo and radiation...all of that was in their hands...

I couldn't do what I wanted for a year...

I couldn't really live...

I just EXISTED to be treated...

so I was NOT in control of my life...

I was fighting to live but everything was out of my control...

I couldn't force my body to do anything...the chemicals and radiation could coax it to but there were no guarantees.

So here I am once again out of control and at the mercy of what a doctor can do for me and for the short term what I can do to manage the pain.

I often quote Maya Angelou---she was such an incredibly wise woman.

Maya said "you can tell a lot about a person from the way they handle a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas lights"...

In other words---how we handle frustrating things we have no control over...

well...for me...

FRUSTRATION...

with all except rainy days because that just makes me want to climb into bed.

Seriously people I don't handle being out of control well at all...and I just toss the tangled lights and I throw a grade A incredible fit if my luggage is lost...

So once again my body is teaching me lessons that I never wanted to learn.

How to be patient..deal with pain...stop being stubborn about seeing the doctor...and how to handle it when I can't go spin or flow or do anything...

All I have done today is try to sit in my chair (it hurts to sit) and eat...

that will do WONDERS for my diet..

I've hardly burned any calories today (half of what I usually do on a Sunday) and there is nothing I can do about it except whine because my hip literally starts screaming at me if I move around much.

And I have had about 138 hot flashes today so there is that...

I

am

pissed

This is NOT what I like to do and really I just want to scream (in pain and in frustration)

When I found out about the cancer I did ask God "why me?"

and

"why has this happened to me?"

but I came to turn that around and instead of feeling I had something put upon me to burden me I now say:

"WHAT CAN I LEARN FROM THIS?"

My cancer has taught me a lot and now this situation with my hip is also teaching me...

about my body...my patience...my stubborness...

I told KuteKaren, JayVee, and Twiler Girl that I just want a month without medical stuff being in my way.

I realized I got it during the month of February...I didn't have to see doctors, get my port flushed, no scans, no poking, no blood draws, no medical stuff...

But here is March and in a week I see Dr. Rockstar for a checkup and that CA125 level is very very important.

And then in April I have a PET scan and I see Dr. Angel who will either be smiling and happy or have that worried look on his face that tells me he has to say something he doesn't want to...I love him endlessly but I really prefer happy smiling doctor to one who looks like he's about to say something he does not want to say...

so all of this is hanging over me and I'm here just trying to get back to spin class...

because I can't do anything about the other stuff but when I get on the bike or my mat I can forget what is wrong and lose myself in the movement.

I'm trying to take each hurdle I am forced to jump over as a chance to learn.

I'm 53 and I do not yet know much in this world...and I feel I have so much more learning and living to do.

Life is never a smooth flat road.

There are hills...

curves...

hairpin turns...

mountains...

valleys...

speed zones....

stop signs...

We all travel our road and the journey is ours alone...no one else's road looks like yours...

Mine was a fairly smooth flat road for many years...

then I hit upon some unexpected turns in the road and my marriage felt like I was constantly traveling up a hill with the brake on and no power...

then I divorced and the road became one of the unknown...with some speed zones to keep me from going off the edge and some curves along the way...

and then there was the big stop sign of cancer...

I couldn't keep traveling on the road I was on...I had to stop and reset my course and find some unknown roads to get me where I needed to go.

This little thing with my hips is like a speed zone...I need to slow down so I don't get stopped.

I don't like it one bit but I can't do anything about it except let a doctor fix it for me.

I'm trying to take each day as a lesson...a way to learn more about myself and my life and to find appreciation for things I never knew I wanted or needed and to let go of the things that will not make my life better.

I have re-evaluated what i want in a man to love...

I have learned who my real friends are...

I have learned that family is not only who shares your DNA but is also those who step up without you asking...

I have learned that I can't control everything and that I have to look at changes in plans as a chance to do something better or different...

I still wonder if it is the cancer as I sit here and write this.

I wonder if there is something terrible to be found lurking inside of me.

I'm tired of my battle but I will not stop fighting...but there are days I do want to lay down my gear.

I keep asking God to show me my purpose and to please let me find someone to share my life with.

I want to know what real loves feels like before I die.

I want to have some happiness in life that extends beyond my time with my kids or students or watching them on stage.

I want to know what it feels like to be loved and appreciated as the woman I am now.

I want to go to bed at night with someone next to me who will hold me when the fear comes creeping in.

I have friends who have been divorced less time than me that are engaged or are in serious relationships. But none of them have had cancer. They got love and I got Stage 4 UPSC.

I'm a good person and worthy of love.

I can cook a fabulous steak, be charming at a party, dress appropriately, carry on a conversation, tell a good story, and I am not unfortunate looking...and I love hard and deep and passionately and with my whole heart. I love my friends, students, family and most especially my kids with everything I have in me.

I've been told "he" is out there...but every time I find myself facing yet another medical crisis alone I feel like "he" is a myth (and I am grateful to the friends who fill in "his" place and listen to me cry or drive me to the doctor).

Sometimes I worry that the loneliness of battling this alone will ever make me give up.

I live mostly for my kids...and the students I call my kids...but I need more purpose in life than that.

My kids are grown...my students graduate...

I need more in life than coming home and sitting in my chair...and thankfully my love for Revolution fills hours each day toward that but in the end it is still just me and the cats.

And days like today where it would be really nice to have someone help me walk or finish the eggs when I'm crying from standing at the stove are hard...

I talked to a sweet friend the other day who has had a lot of loss in her life. She is divorced and she has faced medical challenges. When we talk we so often echo each other's feelings on how hard it is to lose our main purpose (for both of us being moms was our most important job and all we ever wanted) and how hard it is to be alone.

I want so much for her...and for me...

and there is a part of me that fears I might meet someone great who can't handle the cancer...or sitting through a high school musical.

And I need someone to do both because the cancer might never fully ever be something I don't have to worry about and as for the high school musical anyone who knows me knows my whole heart is on that stage with those kids and that I am never happier than when I am standing in the wing watching a show and seeing the kids I love so much do their thing...

So here I am riding alone in my little car that is my life and the back of my car is filled with books of all the things I have learned along the way and yet with each turn I see a new book I need to fill with the knowledge of how to handle things.

I'm ready for someone to take over driving or at least ride shotgun and navigate and handle the music.

Take your life as a chance to learn...

untangle the Christmas lights or just get new ones....

go buy whatever was lost in the luggage and move on and enjoy your vacation...

and go dance in the rain...

because if you can handle a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas lights you can handle just about anything...

including cancer...

and hip pain...

because if I can do it---anyone can....

Inspiration Song: "Hips Don't Lie" by Shakira...because my hips are telling the truth that there is something wrong and the pain is real...i hurt...hopefully tomorrow the doc can fix me up...

Bye Darlings---listen to your body...and remember that life's journey is about learning as we go...and sometimes the winding roads are a lot more interesting than the smooth flat ones...