What You Want

Hello Darlings...

Here it is...

February 27, 2018

it's an anniversary for me...last year I called it a birthday but really in light of the cancer I'm reserving "birthday" for my "no more cancer day" and I am back to calling today an anniversary...

it's the anniversary of my freedom...

7 years ago I asked my husband for a divorce

a friend of mine (who ironically shares this date with me as her day her divorce was finalized) suggested it is my....

FREEDOMVERSARY

I LOVE IT!!!!!

So it is my Freedomversary...my 7th Freedomversary....

and I could not be happier...

even if I am still alone.

I poured myself a glass of champagne as I started this blog...I am celebrating.

Now you might find it odd that I would celebrate the day I left my husband but if you have followed this blog over the years you know that every year on Feb 27 I celebrate the fact that I am no longer married to him.

As I have said before he is not a bad man.

He's the father of my children and without him I would not have those two incredible humans to love.

But he's not the man for me and I know now that it was temporary and not my forever love.

When I was young I had a privileged life.

I had everything a child could want and most importantly I had a nice home, good healthy food on the table and two parents who loved me very much.

I had Barbies and Dawn dolls (remember them?)

I had a pool to swim in and a trampoline to jump on

I had dogs and cats and a big back yard

I lived on a ranch with plenty of room to room

I had sweet friends and they all had nice families

I didn't really want anything---except for dolls...I loved dolls...

As I grew I often got the things I wanted---I made cheerleader, I won at cattle shows, I got to go to my beloved camp every summer, and I got into the college I wanted to go to: Texas A&M

I had boyfriends and then I met a man I thought was like my dad: he was older (7 years to the day), handsome, funny, had great friends, and was very smart.

We were alike---and we were so very different.

But I saw him as my future so I molded myself to fit into what I needed to be to be in his world.

Basically I was Elle Woods applying to Harvard to chase Warner down...but thankfully I did not have to get into Harvard...

We married, spent many years as a couple and had kids...

and what was a puddle of difference between us soon became a pond...then a lake, and finally an ocean...

and I knew that what I wanted was to NOT be what he had...and I am pretty sure I had become what he didn't want as well...

If I am ever lucky enough to find love again I will not mold myself to become something I am not...I will not make myself over to fit into someone else's idea of who I should be.

I will be me...I will be who I am...

and who I am is:

complex
diverse
ageless
creative
liberal
loving
selfless
strong
childlike
giving
tempestuous
strong willed
messy
sparkly
talkative
curvy
loud
gentle
fierce

and

much more...

I cry at musicals and movies and sing in the car...

I dance when no one is watching and I dance even harder when someone is...

I talk to myself and tell myself I can do what I think I can't

I have faced a killer and lived to tell about it

I love lilies and animals and children

I can drive a truck and shoot a gun

I can cook like a chef but my knife skills are terrible and I hate to bake

I have clutter but my closet is organized

I love baths

I only like the rain if I am sleeping

I drink dirty martinis and wine and champagne and a lot of diet Dr. Pepper

I hate kale but I love greens

I am terrified of cockroaches and heights

I have friends of all ages, sexes, lifestyles, and careers

I love to spin and do yoga but I detest all other exercise

I am a rule follower but I get lost following directions

But mostly...

I
AM
ME

and I am ok with me...

and after 7 years of being on my own I know what will and won't work for me...

and cancer has refined those feelings so that what I once thought that I needed I now realize was only a want...

I need a man who is willing to take a chance on a woman who might die...and that's a big ask...

I need a man who isn't scared of my cancer and isn't afraid to face it if I must again...

I need a man who will sit through a high school musical and understand that my whole heart is on that stage---not in the costumes but the kids themselves...

I need a man that will know when I say "I can't" I really mean: "will you help me"...

I need someone kind, gentle, and understanding but who also is strong enough to know that I am a warrior and I cannot be tamed but I can be his...

I need a man who will know that when I am crying my eyes out and screaming and raging that it is only a war with myself that takes me to that point...that and unfairness in any manner...

and I want...yes truly WANT a man who knows I am worth fighting to have and keep because that man will become what I need...

what I want is a love that is equal...

what I want is a man who sees my soul and not just my blonde hair and green eyes

what I want is a man who will understand that I am a puzzle worth solving

what I want is a man who knows that I can be on my own but I choose to take him to love

my ex was never any of those things...but he is a good man...and thankfully now he is someone else's man

I am a magical unicorn princess

I am me...and I need someone who wants the me that I am...

so I celebrate 7 years of freedom but mostly I celebrate that during this time I have found me and I love me...

I'm not everyone's cup of tea but I am pretty sure I am someone's glass of champagne...bubbly and fizzy and special...and sparkly...

somewhere out there is a man who will get to be the man I choose to love...he will be what I want...

I don't know who he is...where he is...

I may know him or I may have yet to meet him...

but I am pretty sure that I deserve another shot at love and I deserve it to be with someone who when I say "I need you" he answers with "I am yours"

we all want love...

we are human

and sometimes what we want isn't what we need...

I had that before...

now it is time for me to have what I need...and it will be what I want as well

if you are alone, like I am, this is what I want you to take from this:

YOU ARE WORTHY
YOU ARE JUST WHO YOU NEED TO BE
YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU FOR YOU

not the idea of you
or who you could be

but who you are...

you deserve love...

and I love you...

thank you for spending my freedomversary with me...

I don't regret leaving him...I don't regret being alone...I don't regret that I have waited to find someone so that I find the RIGHT someone...

I've had 7 years to ponder all of this...

I think 7 years is good...and I hope next year on my freedomversary I can say I am cancer free and in love...

it's what I want...

it's right in front of me...

I just have to open my eyes and see it all before me...

Inspiration Song: "What You Want' from Legally Blonde the Musical...because Elle thought she wanted Warner...but what she needed was to find herself and love herself and be someone even she wasn't sure she could be. Yes, she fell for Emmett and he was who she needed but the person she needed to love most was herself...and she did...and so did I...

Bye Darlings---I'm tired of being alone but I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person...and this time has given me time to love who I really am...and right now I love myself enough to know I deserve a man who knows I am a magical unicorn princess and I am worth all the sparkle...