Hello Darlings...
Here it is...
February 27, 2018
it's an anniversary for me...last year I called it a birthday but really in light of the cancer I'm reserving "birthday" for my "no more cancer day" and I am back to calling today an anniversary...
it's the anniversary of my freedom...
7 years ago I asked my husband for a divorce
a friend of mine (who ironically shares this date with me as her day her divorce was finalized) suggested it is my....
FREEDOMVERSARY
I LOVE IT!!!!!
So it is my Freedomversary...my 7th Freedomversary....
and I could not be happier...
even if I am still alone.
I poured myself a glass of champagne as I started this blog...I am celebrating.
Now you might find it odd that I would celebrate the day I left my husband but if you have followed this blog over the years you know that every year on Feb 27 I celebrate the fact that I am no longer married to him.
As I have said before he is not a bad man.
He's the father of my children and without him I would not have those two incredible humans to love.
But he's not the man for me and I know now that it was temporary and not my forever love.
When I was young I had a privileged life.
I had everything a child could want and most importantly I had a nice home, good healthy food on the table and two parents who loved me very much.
I had Barbies and Dawn dolls (remember them?)
I had a pool to swim in and a trampoline to jump on
I had dogs and cats and a big back yard
I lived on a ranch with plenty of room to room
I had sweet friends and they all had nice families
I didn't really want anything---except for dolls...I loved dolls...
As I grew I often got the things I wanted---I made cheerleader, I won at cattle shows, I got to go to my beloved camp every summer, and I got into the college I wanted to go to: Texas A&M
I had boyfriends and then I met a man I thought was like my dad: he was older (7 years to the day), handsome, funny, had great friends, and was very smart.
We were alike---and we were so very different.
But I saw him as my future so I molded myself to fit into what I needed to be to be in his world.
Basically I was Elle Woods applying to Harvard to chase Warner down...but thankfully I did not have to get into Harvard...
We married, spent many years as a couple and had kids...
and what was a puddle of difference between us soon became a pond...then a lake, and finally an ocean...
and I knew that what I wanted was to NOT be what he had...and I am pretty sure I had become what he didn't want as well...
If I am ever lucky enough to find love again I will not mold myself to become something I am not...I will not make myself over to fit into someone else's idea of who I should be.
I will be me...I will be who I am...
and who I am is:
complex
diverse
ageless
creative
liberal
loving
selfless
strong
childlike
giving
tempestuous
strong willed
messy
sparkly
talkative
curvy
loud
gentle
fierce
and
much more...
I cry at musicals and movies and sing in the car...
I dance when no one is watching and I dance even harder when someone is...
I talk to myself and tell myself I can do what I think I can't
I have faced a killer and lived to tell about it
I love lilies and animals and children
I can drive a truck and shoot a gun
I can cook like a chef but my knife skills are terrible and I hate to bake
I have clutter but my closet is organized
I love baths
I only like the rain if I am sleeping
I drink dirty martinis and wine and champagne and a lot of diet Dr. Pepper
I hate kale but I love greens
I am terrified of cockroaches and heights
I have friends of all ages, sexes, lifestyles, and careers
I love to spin and do yoga but I detest all other exercise
I am a rule follower but I get lost following directions
But mostly...
I
AM
ME
and I am ok with me...
and after 7 years of being on my own I know what will and won't work for me...
and cancer has refined those feelings so that what I once thought that I needed I now realize was only a want...
I need a man who is willing to take a chance on a woman who might die...and that's a big ask...
I need a man who isn't scared of my cancer and isn't afraid to face it if I must again...
I need a man who will sit through a high school musical and understand that my whole heart is on that stage---not in the costumes but the kids themselves...
I need a man that will know when I say "I can't" I really mean: "will you help me"...
I need someone kind, gentle, and understanding but who also is strong enough to know that I am a warrior and I cannot be tamed but I can be his...
I need a man who will know that when I am crying my eyes out and screaming and raging that it is only a war with myself that takes me to that point...that and unfairness in any manner...
and I want...yes truly WANT a man who knows I am worth fighting to have and keep because that man will become what I need...
what I want is a love that is equal...
what I want is a man who sees my soul and not just my blonde hair and green eyes
what I want is a man who will understand that I am a puzzle worth solving
what I want is a man who knows that I can be on my own but I choose to take him to love
my ex was never any of those things...but he is a good man...and thankfully now he is someone else's man
I am a magical unicorn princess
I am me...and I need someone who wants the me that I am...
so I celebrate 7 years of freedom but mostly I celebrate that during this time I have found me and I love me...
I'm not everyone's cup of tea but I am pretty sure I am someone's glass of champagne...bubbly and fizzy and special...and sparkly...
somewhere out there is a man who will get to be the man I choose to love...he will be what I want...
I don't know who he is...where he is...
I may know him or I may have yet to meet him...
but I am pretty sure that I deserve another shot at love and I deserve it to be with someone who when I say "I need you" he answers with "I am yours"
we all want love...
we are human
and sometimes what we want isn't what we need...
I had that before...
now it is time for me to have what I need...and it will be what I want as well
if you are alone, like I am, this is what I want you to take from this:
YOU ARE WORTHY
YOU ARE JUST WHO YOU NEED TO BE
YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU FOR YOU
not the idea of you
or who you could be
but who you are...
you deserve love...
and I love you...
thank you for spending my freedomversary with me...
I don't regret leaving him...I don't regret being alone...I don't regret that I have waited to find someone so that I find the RIGHT someone...
I've had 7 years to ponder all of this...
I think 7 years is good...and I hope next year on my freedomversary I can say I am cancer free and in love...
it's what I want...
it's right in front of me...
I just have to open my eyes and see it all before me...
Inspiration Song: "What You Want' from Legally Blonde the Musical...because Elle thought she wanted Warner...but what she needed was to find herself and love herself and be someone even she wasn't sure she could be. Yes, she fell for Emmett and he was who she needed but the person she needed to love most was herself...and she did...and so did I...
Bye Darlings---I'm tired of being alone but I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person...and this time has given me time to love who I really am...and right now I love myself enough to know I deserve a man who knows I am a magical unicorn princess and I am worth all the sparkle...
Tuesday, February 27, 2018
Monday, February 26, 2018
So Much Better
Hello Darlings...
It has been quite some time since I blogged...but January and early February are my "busy season" getting ready for our spring musical and I was working pretty much non-stop and all my creativity was being poured into our show "Legally Blonde". Along with all of this work on the show I was blessed to get some good news regarding my cancer so here's a little update on all of this...
a few months ago I posed the question:
How does it feel to be told you are cancer free...
and at that time the answer was:
I don't know...
And now I can tell you:
I DO KNOW
I know how it feels...I know how it feels to have my savior doctor tell me that my scans are good and that I have a future and life ahead of me...
and it feels:
INCREDIBLY AMAZING
it feels like the joy I had when I found out I was pregnant...
it feels like the relief I felt when my babies were born healthy
it feels like the rest of my life is in front of me...
it feels like it is my second birthday...
it feels like I can make plans...
it feels like I have been dead for 15 months and now I have come alive...
I can't believe how very blessed I am by God and how good He is to me...
I can't believe how lucky I am that Dr. Angel saved me and that I somehow ended up sitting in his office...and how that beautiful man took an angry belligerent patient that did NOT want to go through radiation and cured her despite the fact that I walked out of his office the first time swearing I would never go through radiation...
God told me that he was my angel...and Dr. Angel truly is...and I can never express my love and gratitude enough to him because he made sure I could have a future...he worked hard for it (like he does for all of his patients) and his staff also made sure they did all they could to make me beat this stuff that was trying to kill me...
Every single member of that team saved me---from the sweet wonderful receptionists to the amazing nurses and techs, to the physicists that calculated how much radiation I needed during brachytherapy.
I had a team and my doctor was the coach and we all fought El Diablo together.
So when he told me that my scans were good I cried...
a lot...
many
many
many
tears
when he showed me the scans I asked him:
"are you saying YES that these scans are good?"
and he said:
YES
and I said:
"are you happy with these scans? Like are these good scans? Are there no scary blobs there that we should worry about?"
Dr. Angel just smiled and said he was happy with the scans and they were better than expected and that I could feel good about things.
and that there were no scary blobs I should fear...
(that's what I call the scary lymph glands that have cancer---the blobs---because all I see is blobs. He sees cancer and no cancer. I see blobs. But that's ok---I'm pretty sure if I asked him if he thought sequins or crystals would work better on a costume he would call them blobs...we have learned to adjust to each other's language)
So for several weeks after that fateful day I was super happy and feeling super glad.
But then the fear started to creep back in.
I made a mistake and looked at a cancer forum and then joined it. For a while it was nice trading information with the ladies on the board but then the reality that some of them were dying or died got to me. And hearing a lot of horror stories about Stage 4 being so deadly and all the recurrences and well, it started to make me feel like the cancer wasn't really gone but just hiding.
That's the thing about fighting cancer...you hear something that feels "good" and then there is something there to burst your bubble and make you question it all or allows the fear to creep back in.
I'm pretty sure that for the next few years every twinge I feel or every time I am tired or don't feel 100% I am going to worry that it is cancer.
I'm going to be scared to death before every scan and I will worry until he tells me it is ok.
I'm going to be worried that each time they draw blood for a CA125 marker that it will come back elevated and might mean the cancer is back.
And I don't know how to fight that fear...because it is a new sort of fear.
I'm not sure if this is true for all but for me each day that I wake up I am grateful to be alive but I also worry that it is the day I will find out I am no longer in remission or free of evidence of disease.
Cancer has shaped me...
it has changed me...
it has rearranged me...
it has pulled me in and out of darkness...
it has remade me...
it made me a new me...
So I decided to get off that scary forum, quit asking Dr. Google for answers and have decided that I need to live each day as the gift it is...
I've been eating clean (except for the week I was working all day at HBU and had to eat college cafeteria food...cookies happened...cookies happened because the rest of the food was so bland and bad).
I've been exercising almost daily (except for said week at HBU for the show and the week before)...and I am going to complete a challenge to do 60 spin and/or yoga classes in 60 days...yes that is a lot of sweat...but I set out to do it and I am just 2 classes away (I've got 2 days...it will happen)
I'm losing weight (intentionally) and feeling pretty good...
I'm a bit tired but I did burn the candle at both ends right on the heels of hernia surgery that was right on the heels of blood transfusions that were right on the heels of more chemo and radiation...but I love my students and I loved our show and I loved being there even on the 16 hour days...
But all told I feel SO MUCH BETTER these days...especially when I look at the past year.
I'm not sure how I will ever deal with the fear...I think each time I get a clear scan it will help but honestly it is going to be difficult to impossible to put cancer behind me.
I had Stage 4B...and it tried to kill me...
because Uterine cancer is so silent...like many of them are...
But the problem is with my cancer (and Ovarian) is that many of the symptoms mimic menopause and pre-menopause.
What I was feeling could have easily been written off as just part of my body aging...
or maybe thyroid issues...
or stress...
so
many
other
things
than
cancer
and then the truly terrifying part for me is that once it was found it had traveled but only because I am basically an Oompa Loompa (nice and short...let's call it "fun sized" shall we?) my Dr. Angel was able to discover that there was cancer in the lymph glands in my neck.
I'm one of the lucky ones...
it was found
I am under the care of the best doctors
my treatments seem to have worked
I can't ask for much more right now...
So while "you might still have deadly cancer" dances somewhere in the nether regions of the back of my mind I plan to move forward...
I get to celebrate birthdays---mine and my kids
I get to keep spinning and doing yoga...and I am closing in on 600 spin classes and 300 yoga flows at Revolution so hahaha to cancer, and radiation, and chemo and blood transfusions and 2 major surgeries and bad knees and living in a theater for 2 weeks ever year...
I get to enjoy my home
I get to love on my kitties
I get to be a mom to my children and a "mom" to my students and Mama Bear to my Revolution peeps...
I get to wake up each day and hit the floor and see what kind of trouble I can stir up to make God say "I'm not ready for her yet" and for the devil to say "I don't need her here..."
I look forward to travel...
to musicals....
to being with students
to grandkids (a long long time from now)
and
maybe
I can look forward to love...
It would be nice to have someone to go with me when I see my son or daughter...to cook for...to come home to after a long day...and if I am really lucky he will sit through a high school musical and understand why I find such magic there with my kids...
We just did Legally Blonde...it was one of the best, if not the best, shows I have had the privilege of being part of.
The kids were amazing and we had a blast.
Our beautiful and sweet leading lady (Elle) came down with the flu the week of the show...and I ached for her knowing that the show was riding on her shoulders and that she felt terrible.
Our last show was a struggle but somehow she nailed it.
I learned a lot about strength from her...from a beautiful 17 year old young woman...
I watched her bravely go out there and sing her heart out for 4 shows even though I know all she wanted to do was be in bed. But she willed her body to go on and her voice to sing out.
During one quick change my heart broke...she looked so tired...and she was pushing herself to be the best she could...it was our last show...the show we were judged on...
she ran backstage and the girls changed her into the "bunny" costume (a leotard and ears) and I handed her a cough drop and water...and held out my hand for her to spit the cough drop in..
I wasn't afraid of getting sick...she needed a mom backstage and I love her so by golly spitting out a cough drop in my bare hand was what we were doing...
she climbed the stairs to her entrance spot behind a door and adjusted her costume and ears...she smiled a weak smile down at us...my heart was breaking...
she put her hand on the door...
and instantly I watched her go from sick young lady to Elle Woods...she stood up straight, opened that door and made her entrance...
and in that moment I saw strength beyond her years...
and I will admire her for it until I breathe my last...
I've seen my kids do it before...my SashaFierce (I call her that because she is more beautiful than Beyonce and has all her fierceness) had to get out and be Belle and sing a song called "Home" just hours after learning her beloved grandmother had died...she did the whole show with a broken heart and sang a song about home knowing her grandmother had been called home...
17 year old girls can be stronger than we know...
I am stronger than I knew I could be....
we don't know how strong we are until we have no choice but to be strong...
There is a song in Legally Blonde the Musical that Elle sings when she finds out she got the internship...something even she wasn't sure she could get...
and then she sees her name up on that list....and realizes someone knows that she exists...
and that is her name in black and white...and she realizes it's time to fight...
she tells her ex that it is better than the times they had together...
she calls her mom...
she vows to be early and dress as she should...
and she believes in herself...
when I saw the musical on Broadway 10 years ago I sobbed during that song...it struck a chord with me and deepened my love for the character...so when GOTT announced we were doing Legally Blonde I finally had my dream show (thank you God for letting me live to do it) and I knew I was going to get to hear that song sung again on the stage by a beautiful young woman...
and every night I snuck into the wing on stage right and watched "Elle" sing that song...and each night I sobbed with pride for that sweet girl singing it, for the character of Elle, for me and for every young woman that faced a challenge she didn't know she could not only meet but could beat...
because sometimes we can be and do so much better than we thought we could...
I was challenged with cancer...I had to fight...and I wasn't sure I could...that I could handle the treatments and survive...that I could beat Stage 4...
the odds weren't good...
Elle Woods had to get into Harvard with a fashion degree...but she did...
I had to beat Stage 4 with my beat up body and no partner (but the best aunt and friends in the world)...and the best doctors in the world...
I had to go up against El Diablo...
I've never had a bigger challenge...
but there, in black and white, on my precious Dr. Angel's computer screen was my scan...
and it was clear...the scan was clear....
and I had won the fight...
or at least for now I had...
and the feeling of hearing him tell me that my scans were good was so much better than I had imagined...
so so so much better...
it was like being told that I am loved...so very very loved...
because I loved myself enough to fight
and my friends and family loved me enough to support me
and my doctors loved me enough to try to cure me
and God loved me enough to say "not yet My child"
and I am so much better than before...
Inspiration Song: "So Much Better" from the musical Legally Blonde the Musical. It's my favorite song in the show...it has been one of my favorite songs from ANY show for a long time and when I hear it I feel like Elle...the Broadway version is wonderful but for me, from now on---the best version of it I will ever hear was sung on the HBU stage this February by a brave and beautiful young woman who I love like she is my own...because to me she is so much better than any Elle before...
Bye Darlings....cancer feels terrible....but being on the other side of cancer is so much better than I can ever say...
It has been quite some time since I blogged...but January and early February are my "busy season" getting ready for our spring musical and I was working pretty much non-stop and all my creativity was being poured into our show "Legally Blonde". Along with all of this work on the show I was blessed to get some good news regarding my cancer so here's a little update on all of this...
a few months ago I posed the question:
How does it feel to be told you are cancer free...
and at that time the answer was:
I don't know...
And now I can tell you:
I DO KNOW
I know how it feels...I know how it feels to have my savior doctor tell me that my scans are good and that I have a future and life ahead of me...
and it feels:
INCREDIBLY AMAZING
it feels like the joy I had when I found out I was pregnant...
it feels like the relief I felt when my babies were born healthy
it feels like the rest of my life is in front of me...
it feels like it is my second birthday...
it feels like I can make plans...
it feels like I have been dead for 15 months and now I have come alive...
I can't believe how very blessed I am by God and how good He is to me...
I can't believe how lucky I am that Dr. Angel saved me and that I somehow ended up sitting in his office...and how that beautiful man took an angry belligerent patient that did NOT want to go through radiation and cured her despite the fact that I walked out of his office the first time swearing I would never go through radiation...
God told me that he was my angel...and Dr. Angel truly is...and I can never express my love and gratitude enough to him because he made sure I could have a future...he worked hard for it (like he does for all of his patients) and his staff also made sure they did all they could to make me beat this stuff that was trying to kill me...
Every single member of that team saved me---from the sweet wonderful receptionists to the amazing nurses and techs, to the physicists that calculated how much radiation I needed during brachytherapy.
I had a team and my doctor was the coach and we all fought El Diablo together.
So when he told me that my scans were good I cried...
a lot...
many
many
many
tears
when he showed me the scans I asked him:
"are you saying YES that these scans are good?"
and he said:
YES
and I said:
"are you happy with these scans? Like are these good scans? Are there no scary blobs there that we should worry about?"
Dr. Angel just smiled and said he was happy with the scans and they were better than expected and that I could feel good about things.
and that there were no scary blobs I should fear...
(that's what I call the scary lymph glands that have cancer---the blobs---because all I see is blobs. He sees cancer and no cancer. I see blobs. But that's ok---I'm pretty sure if I asked him if he thought sequins or crystals would work better on a costume he would call them blobs...we have learned to adjust to each other's language)
So for several weeks after that fateful day I was super happy and feeling super glad.
But then the fear started to creep back in.
I made a mistake and looked at a cancer forum and then joined it. For a while it was nice trading information with the ladies on the board but then the reality that some of them were dying or died got to me. And hearing a lot of horror stories about Stage 4 being so deadly and all the recurrences and well, it started to make me feel like the cancer wasn't really gone but just hiding.
That's the thing about fighting cancer...you hear something that feels "good" and then there is something there to burst your bubble and make you question it all or allows the fear to creep back in.
I'm pretty sure that for the next few years every twinge I feel or every time I am tired or don't feel 100% I am going to worry that it is cancer.
I'm going to be scared to death before every scan and I will worry until he tells me it is ok.
I'm going to be worried that each time they draw blood for a CA125 marker that it will come back elevated and might mean the cancer is back.
And I don't know how to fight that fear...because it is a new sort of fear.
I'm not sure if this is true for all but for me each day that I wake up I am grateful to be alive but I also worry that it is the day I will find out I am no longer in remission or free of evidence of disease.
Cancer has shaped me...
it has changed me...
it has rearranged me...
it has pulled me in and out of darkness...
it has remade me...
it made me a new me...
So I decided to get off that scary forum, quit asking Dr. Google for answers and have decided that I need to live each day as the gift it is...
I've been eating clean (except for the week I was working all day at HBU and had to eat college cafeteria food...cookies happened...cookies happened because the rest of the food was so bland and bad).
I've been exercising almost daily (except for said week at HBU for the show and the week before)...and I am going to complete a challenge to do 60 spin and/or yoga classes in 60 days...yes that is a lot of sweat...but I set out to do it and I am just 2 classes away (I've got 2 days...it will happen)
I'm losing weight (intentionally) and feeling pretty good...
I'm a bit tired but I did burn the candle at both ends right on the heels of hernia surgery that was right on the heels of blood transfusions that were right on the heels of more chemo and radiation...but I love my students and I loved our show and I loved being there even on the 16 hour days...
But all told I feel SO MUCH BETTER these days...especially when I look at the past year.
I'm not sure how I will ever deal with the fear...I think each time I get a clear scan it will help but honestly it is going to be difficult to impossible to put cancer behind me.
I had Stage 4B...and it tried to kill me...
because Uterine cancer is so silent...like many of them are...
But the problem is with my cancer (and Ovarian) is that many of the symptoms mimic menopause and pre-menopause.
What I was feeling could have easily been written off as just part of my body aging...
or maybe thyroid issues...
or stress...
so
many
other
things
than
cancer
and then the truly terrifying part for me is that once it was found it had traveled but only because I am basically an Oompa Loompa (nice and short...let's call it "fun sized" shall we?) my Dr. Angel was able to discover that there was cancer in the lymph glands in my neck.
I'm one of the lucky ones...
it was found
I am under the care of the best doctors
my treatments seem to have worked
I can't ask for much more right now...
So while "you might still have deadly cancer" dances somewhere in the nether regions of the back of my mind I plan to move forward...
I get to celebrate birthdays---mine and my kids
I get to keep spinning and doing yoga...and I am closing in on 600 spin classes and 300 yoga flows at Revolution so hahaha to cancer, and radiation, and chemo and blood transfusions and 2 major surgeries and bad knees and living in a theater for 2 weeks ever year...
I get to enjoy my home
I get to love on my kitties
I get to be a mom to my children and a "mom" to my students and Mama Bear to my Revolution peeps...
I get to wake up each day and hit the floor and see what kind of trouble I can stir up to make God say "I'm not ready for her yet" and for the devil to say "I don't need her here..."
I look forward to travel...
to musicals....
to being with students
to grandkids (a long long time from now)
and
maybe
I can look forward to love...
It would be nice to have someone to go with me when I see my son or daughter...to cook for...to come home to after a long day...and if I am really lucky he will sit through a high school musical and understand why I find such magic there with my kids...
We just did Legally Blonde...it was one of the best, if not the best, shows I have had the privilege of being part of.
The kids were amazing and we had a blast.
Our beautiful and sweet leading lady (Elle) came down with the flu the week of the show...and I ached for her knowing that the show was riding on her shoulders and that she felt terrible.
Our last show was a struggle but somehow she nailed it.
I learned a lot about strength from her...from a beautiful 17 year old young woman...
I watched her bravely go out there and sing her heart out for 4 shows even though I know all she wanted to do was be in bed. But she willed her body to go on and her voice to sing out.
During one quick change my heart broke...she looked so tired...and she was pushing herself to be the best she could...it was our last show...the show we were judged on...
she ran backstage and the girls changed her into the "bunny" costume (a leotard and ears) and I handed her a cough drop and water...and held out my hand for her to spit the cough drop in..
I wasn't afraid of getting sick...she needed a mom backstage and I love her so by golly spitting out a cough drop in my bare hand was what we were doing...
she climbed the stairs to her entrance spot behind a door and adjusted her costume and ears...she smiled a weak smile down at us...my heart was breaking...
she put her hand on the door...
and instantly I watched her go from sick young lady to Elle Woods...she stood up straight, opened that door and made her entrance...
and in that moment I saw strength beyond her years...
and I will admire her for it until I breathe my last...
I've seen my kids do it before...my SashaFierce (I call her that because she is more beautiful than Beyonce and has all her fierceness) had to get out and be Belle and sing a song called "Home" just hours after learning her beloved grandmother had died...she did the whole show with a broken heart and sang a song about home knowing her grandmother had been called home...
17 year old girls can be stronger than we know...
I am stronger than I knew I could be....
we don't know how strong we are until we have no choice but to be strong...
There is a song in Legally Blonde the Musical that Elle sings when she finds out she got the internship...something even she wasn't sure she could get...
and then she sees her name up on that list....and realizes someone knows that she exists...
and that is her name in black and white...and she realizes it's time to fight...
she tells her ex that it is better than the times they had together...
she calls her mom...
she vows to be early and dress as she should...
and she believes in herself...
when I saw the musical on Broadway 10 years ago I sobbed during that song...it struck a chord with me and deepened my love for the character...so when GOTT announced we were doing Legally Blonde I finally had my dream show (thank you God for letting me live to do it) and I knew I was going to get to hear that song sung again on the stage by a beautiful young woman...
and every night I snuck into the wing on stage right and watched "Elle" sing that song...and each night I sobbed with pride for that sweet girl singing it, for the character of Elle, for me and for every young woman that faced a challenge she didn't know she could not only meet but could beat...
because sometimes we can be and do so much better than we thought we could...
I was challenged with cancer...I had to fight...and I wasn't sure I could...that I could handle the treatments and survive...that I could beat Stage 4...
the odds weren't good...
Elle Woods had to get into Harvard with a fashion degree...but she did...
I had to beat Stage 4 with my beat up body and no partner (but the best aunt and friends in the world)...and the best doctors in the world...
I had to go up against El Diablo...
I've never had a bigger challenge...
but there, in black and white, on my precious Dr. Angel's computer screen was my scan...
and it was clear...the scan was clear....
and I had won the fight...
or at least for now I had...
and the feeling of hearing him tell me that my scans were good was so much better than I had imagined...
so so so much better...
it was like being told that I am loved...so very very loved...
because I loved myself enough to fight
and my friends and family loved me enough to support me
and my doctors loved me enough to try to cure me
and God loved me enough to say "not yet My child"
and I am so much better than before...
Inspiration Song: "So Much Better" from the musical Legally Blonde the Musical. It's my favorite song in the show...it has been one of my favorite songs from ANY show for a long time and when I hear it I feel like Elle...the Broadway version is wonderful but for me, from now on---the best version of it I will ever hear was sung on the HBU stage this February by a brave and beautiful young woman who I love like she is my own...because to me she is so much better than any Elle before...
Bye Darlings....cancer feels terrible....but being on the other side of cancer is so much better than I can ever say...
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
Let There Be Love
Hello Darlings!
I'm just a blogging little fool these days...I think it is because I need a lot of self therapy so here we go...
I FINALLY got back on my yoga mat tonight.
It's been 10 long weeks without yoga.
I didn't realize just how very much I missed it until I did my first downward dog and it all came rushing back like a warm hug in that very warm room.
For me yoga is not just exercise for my body. It is also a workout for my soul. I do a lot of working shit out on that mat.
Speaking of my mat---my poor beautiful pink mat has been neglected for so long that it refused to open up...it kept wanting to curl back up.
Dear Beautiful yoga mat:
I will not leave you unattended for so long again...I love you and you are home to me. You have been soaked in sweat and tears and you never fail me. I promise to treat you better and at least open you up to breathe next time I have to take an extended break.
Love,
Me
The Girl Who Said She Would Never Love Yoga or Own a Yoga Mat
So earlier today I stepped on a long stainless steel object with a very sharp point today. Picture a very long tack with a rather large (in diameter) spike...
it hurt
a lot
it hurt a lot
alot alot
it went right into the arch of my foot
I'm gonna stop now because right now I know all of you are mentally feeling it...and you are cringing
the reason I mention it is because of stepping on said tack (when I dropped it I KNEW my foot would find it before my eyes did---yup my right foot found it) I was unable to spin tonight so I knew it was the universe telling me to do yoga.
My beloved friend who was supposed to teach messaged me she had the flu so I had no idea who would be leading the flow...
to my delight and utter surprise it was my darling JohnJohn...
thank you universe...this was meant to be...
JohnJohn became an instructor while I was on doctor ordered banishment from yoga so I have been waiting to take his class and the stars aligned...
After hugs and kisses I settled on my mat and child's pose was...ouch...
so I modified...
but class, and I, flowed on and by the time we hit savassanah I was back in my yoga bliss...
As class started JohnJohn asked our intention for the year and also said "what is your word for this year?" and went on to explain that it had taken him a bit to find his word.
Mine popped into my head.
2016 was HEALTH (I started the year wanting to figure out why I felt so crappy...it took until October to know why...)
and
2017 was SURVIVE
so as soon as JohnJohn said it I knew...
2018
would
be
LOVE
yes...LOVE
Because I want to approach this year and find so much love...
not just romantic love (but yes that is very important)
but also:
self love
love for others
love for those I struggle to love
love for things I do not love
love for things that make me want to run away
love for things that scare me
love for the sake of just being more loving
Now I KNOW I will not find a love for kale or heights or cockroaches...those are firmly and forever in the "hate" column...
But I might find a love for things that I don't think I enjoy...or things I like but won't commit to...
I think the love for others is easy for me...I am a woman who loves quickly, deeply, fiercely and easily.
But there are some I struggle to love and maybe what I can find for those people is not so much a "love" love but more of a tolerance and mindfulness to be more generous with myself or my feelings toward them.
(sorry...that will NOT extend to the current resident of the White House...he's right there with cockroaches and kale with me...)
I think sometimes we can show love to those we don't necessarily love...by being kinder or more thoughtful or less judgemental.
There are certain people who just push the "drive Anice cray cray" button...those are the ones that I need to find a love for. I don't have to love them per se...just maybe not let myself be affected by their actions.
In Matthew 5:44 the Bible says:
But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless those that curse you, do good to those that hate you, and pray for those who speak evil about you, and persecute you
I need to work on that...
a
lot
a lot
a lot
alot alot...
yup...that's one I have got to put some time into...
That takes work...
and it is super duper hard to love someone who has wronged you...or said nasty things to or about you...
and there are people like that I will never love but maybe, just maybe---I can find a way to dislike them less and I can love them by praying for them to be happy and well (even that person in the White House)
as for kale and cockroaches---I don't think Jesus means that I have to love them...
(I do plan to ask God (a LONG LONG LONG time from now when I get to heaven) why He made cockroaches. I'm sure He has a reasonable explanation and I'd like to hear it...)
Now the one I might have the hardest time with is not romantic love but rather the self love.
Oh I definitely absolutely for sure want a nice man to love and to enjoy wine and movies with and to cook for and to sit on the couch and talk to and to travel with...
I want that so much...
I am sick and tired of being alone and you people are sick and tired of me whining about it...
I don't know how I will find that man---whether he drives a big ass truck or not...but he WILL know I like lilies and that he has to kill bugs for me. I know he is out there. He's waiting for me like I am waiting for him. We just need to find each other...I need to find him before it warms up and the bugs come out again...
But I'll be damned if next January 2 I am blogging about being alone for another damn year...
Nope...THIS is the year I get to remember what it feels like to have a man tell me I am special and pretty...I went through 24 years of marriage of NOT hearing that very much so I have to reach waaaaaaay back in my memory bank to remember that but I do know that I liked it.
So hey---you---you man that God intends for me: COME FIND ME NOW
I'M READY AND HOPEFULLY NOT DYING ANYMORE
So yes, that part of love is a challenge...but self love---that one is a bitch to overcome.
I like myself just fine in many ways.
But I am hypercritical of myself in many ways.
I often see the flaws before the good parts...
and when I get down the flaws are magnified.
I'm the kind of girl who needs to work on taking a compliment.
you see---when you say something nice to me about myself I often find myself saying "thank you BUT" instead of just saying "thank you" and leaving it at that.
Many of us do that.
When someone compliments my appearance I often say "thank you but I wish my hair/dress/legs/makeup/body was not...(insert critical word here)
I need to just say thank you.
Like I do when someone tells me I have cute boots on...
(and maybe to that I need to stop saying how cheap they were...)
I need to accept a compliment and take it in and really ACCEPT THE COMPLIMENT. And by accept I don't just mean say "thank you" but take in what the person said and feel good about it.
I also need to not look in the mirror and see all the wrong or messed up things...and focus on what is good or I feel happy with. And maybe, like the Bible says about loving my enemies, I can find a way to like my flaws even if I don't love them.
I need to also find a way to love myself more by putting myself first sometimes.
Oh that one is hard for me...so often I say "yes" to things that stress me out or make me rearrange my life or make me give up something I wanted to do for myself because I feel I need to give to others or be there for someone else.
Last year I had no choice but to put myself first.
I was trying to live.
But sometimes I still did things that weren't necessarily in my own best interest.
And sometimes I don't just love myself enough to say "I can't"
or
love myself enough to say "I deserve this"
I often don't think I deserve to treat or spoil myself (unless it is a Southwells Hamburger and then hell yes I am on board with treating myself).
I think a good example is me and avocados.
(yes, here we go again with avocados...)
I used to not buy avocados.
Because they are expensive.
So I didn't feel like I deserved avocados.
Because they cost almost $2 sometimes.
But I can usually stretch one large $2 avocado into several breakfasts or meals for myself.
One day, not long after I split from the ex, I was in HEB and there were some beautiful avocados.
I got ready to pass them by but then I thought:"I could really go for an avocado tonight"
But I looked at the price and got ready to push the cart by them and then I decided to grab one.
If I could waste stupid money on fast food why wasn't I worth spending $2 on something that was actually GOOD FOR ME.
yes, it was pricey but at least it was $2 well spent
(as long as I ate the avocado when it was ripe...they are tricky little suckers)
So from then on I decided to buy myself avocados at times other than having a party or guest...I deserved the avocado
(that same logic does not apply to me and Starbucks...I don't get Starbucks...$6 coffee is something I can't enjoy but I can enjoy $12 wine...go figure)
The point of all of this and the avocado is that I need to feel I am worthy of treating myself to things that are good for me or make me feel good...
I don't need to go hog wild but the occasional massage or new purse isn't going to bankrupt or kill me.
I've tried to be better about it...I spent years not paying attention to my hair and then when I almost lost it I realized how dear it is to me. So now I have an incredible hairdresser who makes my hair look amazing and it's worth it to me to pay him to do so.
And I have bought some new clothes (and boots...) because I have lost weight but I also feel just as good about getting into something I already have in my closet because I loved that dress or skirt or top enough to have held onto it.
So I am working on ME...and LOVING me...
and not just loving myself enough to save my life but to actually LIVE my life...
and to LOVE MY LIFE
I give lovely freely to so many but the person I am most stingy with is myself.
But like the avocado...and I deserve the avocado...I also deserve my own love.
Love isn't just about romance...love is giving of ourselves to someone...and sometimes that someone needs to be ourself.
I want to spend this year spreading and sharing as much love as I can.
And I want all of you to help me do it.
So as sweet beautiful JohnJohn said: find your word.
My word is love.
Let's spread love nice and thick and spilling out everywhere.
Let there be an abundance of love.
Let there be so much love that there is an excess of it.
And let's all soak up as much of it as we can.
And let's all love ourselves a little more...even if it just means you buy yourself an avocado.
Inspiration Song: "Let There Be Love" by Christina Aguilera (spin teachers take note: I LOVE to spin to this song it is literally maybe my favorite sprint song ever). It's not necessarily about the kind of love I am talking about here but I love the song...
Bye Darlings...what is your word? Find your word! And if it is LOVE let this year be one that LOVE is what you do...let there be love...
I'm just a blogging little fool these days...I think it is because I need a lot of self therapy so here we go...
I FINALLY got back on my yoga mat tonight.
It's been 10 long weeks without yoga.
I didn't realize just how very much I missed it until I did my first downward dog and it all came rushing back like a warm hug in that very warm room.
For me yoga is not just exercise for my body. It is also a workout for my soul. I do a lot of working shit out on that mat.
Speaking of my mat---my poor beautiful pink mat has been neglected for so long that it refused to open up...it kept wanting to curl back up.
Dear Beautiful yoga mat:
I will not leave you unattended for so long again...I love you and you are home to me. You have been soaked in sweat and tears and you never fail me. I promise to treat you better and at least open you up to breathe next time I have to take an extended break.
Love,
Me
The Girl Who Said She Would Never Love Yoga or Own a Yoga Mat
So earlier today I stepped on a long stainless steel object with a very sharp point today. Picture a very long tack with a rather large (in diameter) spike...
it hurt
a lot
it hurt a lot
alot alot
it went right into the arch of my foot
I'm gonna stop now because right now I know all of you are mentally feeling it...and you are cringing
the reason I mention it is because of stepping on said tack (when I dropped it I KNEW my foot would find it before my eyes did---yup my right foot found it) I was unable to spin tonight so I knew it was the universe telling me to do yoga.
My beloved friend who was supposed to teach messaged me she had the flu so I had no idea who would be leading the flow...
to my delight and utter surprise it was my darling JohnJohn...
thank you universe...this was meant to be...
JohnJohn became an instructor while I was on doctor ordered banishment from yoga so I have been waiting to take his class and the stars aligned...
After hugs and kisses I settled on my mat and child's pose was...ouch...
so I modified...
but class, and I, flowed on and by the time we hit savassanah I was back in my yoga bliss...
As class started JohnJohn asked our intention for the year and also said "what is your word for this year?" and went on to explain that it had taken him a bit to find his word.
Mine popped into my head.
2016 was HEALTH (I started the year wanting to figure out why I felt so crappy...it took until October to know why...)
and
2017 was SURVIVE
so as soon as JohnJohn said it I knew...
2018
would
be
LOVE
yes...LOVE
Because I want to approach this year and find so much love...
not just romantic love (but yes that is very important)
but also:
self love
love for others
love for those I struggle to love
love for things I do not love
love for things that make me want to run away
love for things that scare me
love for the sake of just being more loving
Now I KNOW I will not find a love for kale or heights or cockroaches...those are firmly and forever in the "hate" column...
But I might find a love for things that I don't think I enjoy...or things I like but won't commit to...
I think the love for others is easy for me...I am a woman who loves quickly, deeply, fiercely and easily.
But there are some I struggle to love and maybe what I can find for those people is not so much a "love" love but more of a tolerance and mindfulness to be more generous with myself or my feelings toward them.
(sorry...that will NOT extend to the current resident of the White House...he's right there with cockroaches and kale with me...)
I think sometimes we can show love to those we don't necessarily love...by being kinder or more thoughtful or less judgemental.
There are certain people who just push the "drive Anice cray cray" button...those are the ones that I need to find a love for. I don't have to love them per se...just maybe not let myself be affected by their actions.
In Matthew 5:44 the Bible says:
But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless those that curse you, do good to those that hate you, and pray for those who speak evil about you, and persecute you
I need to work on that...
a
lot
a lot
a lot
alot alot...
yup...that's one I have got to put some time into...
That takes work...
and it is super duper hard to love someone who has wronged you...or said nasty things to or about you...
and there are people like that I will never love but maybe, just maybe---I can find a way to dislike them less and I can love them by praying for them to be happy and well (even that person in the White House)
as for kale and cockroaches---I don't think Jesus means that I have to love them...
(I do plan to ask God (a LONG LONG LONG time from now when I get to heaven) why He made cockroaches. I'm sure He has a reasonable explanation and I'd like to hear it...)
Now the one I might have the hardest time with is not romantic love but rather the self love.
Oh I definitely absolutely for sure want a nice man to love and to enjoy wine and movies with and to cook for and to sit on the couch and talk to and to travel with...
I want that so much...
I am sick and tired of being alone and you people are sick and tired of me whining about it...
I don't know how I will find that man---whether he drives a big ass truck or not...but he WILL know I like lilies and that he has to kill bugs for me. I know he is out there. He's waiting for me like I am waiting for him. We just need to find each other...I need to find him before it warms up and the bugs come out again...
But I'll be damned if next January 2 I am blogging about being alone for another damn year...
Nope...THIS is the year I get to remember what it feels like to have a man tell me I am special and pretty...I went through 24 years of marriage of NOT hearing that very much so I have to reach waaaaaaay back in my memory bank to remember that but I do know that I liked it.
So hey---you---you man that God intends for me: COME FIND ME NOW
I'M READY AND HOPEFULLY NOT DYING ANYMORE
So yes, that part of love is a challenge...but self love---that one is a bitch to overcome.
I like myself just fine in many ways.
But I am hypercritical of myself in many ways.
I often see the flaws before the good parts...
and when I get down the flaws are magnified.
I'm the kind of girl who needs to work on taking a compliment.
you see---when you say something nice to me about myself I often find myself saying "thank you BUT" instead of just saying "thank you" and leaving it at that.
Many of us do that.
When someone compliments my appearance I often say "thank you but I wish my hair/dress/legs/makeup/body was not...(insert critical word here)
I need to just say thank you.
Like I do when someone tells me I have cute boots on...
(and maybe to that I need to stop saying how cheap they were...)
I need to accept a compliment and take it in and really ACCEPT THE COMPLIMENT. And by accept I don't just mean say "thank you" but take in what the person said and feel good about it.
I also need to not look in the mirror and see all the wrong or messed up things...and focus on what is good or I feel happy with. And maybe, like the Bible says about loving my enemies, I can find a way to like my flaws even if I don't love them.
I need to also find a way to love myself more by putting myself first sometimes.
Oh that one is hard for me...so often I say "yes" to things that stress me out or make me rearrange my life or make me give up something I wanted to do for myself because I feel I need to give to others or be there for someone else.
Last year I had no choice but to put myself first.
I was trying to live.
But sometimes I still did things that weren't necessarily in my own best interest.
And sometimes I don't just love myself enough to say "I can't"
or
love myself enough to say "I deserve this"
I often don't think I deserve to treat or spoil myself (unless it is a Southwells Hamburger and then hell yes I am on board with treating myself).
I think a good example is me and avocados.
(yes, here we go again with avocados...)
I used to not buy avocados.
Because they are expensive.
So I didn't feel like I deserved avocados.
Because they cost almost $2 sometimes.
But I can usually stretch one large $2 avocado into several breakfasts or meals for myself.
One day, not long after I split from the ex, I was in HEB and there were some beautiful avocados.
I got ready to pass them by but then I thought:"I could really go for an avocado tonight"
But I looked at the price and got ready to push the cart by them and then I decided to grab one.
If I could waste stupid money on fast food why wasn't I worth spending $2 on something that was actually GOOD FOR ME.
yes, it was pricey but at least it was $2 well spent
(as long as I ate the avocado when it was ripe...they are tricky little suckers)
So from then on I decided to buy myself avocados at times other than having a party or guest...I deserved the avocado
(that same logic does not apply to me and Starbucks...I don't get Starbucks...$6 coffee is something I can't enjoy but I can enjoy $12 wine...go figure)
The point of all of this and the avocado is that I need to feel I am worthy of treating myself to things that are good for me or make me feel good...
I don't need to go hog wild but the occasional massage or new purse isn't going to bankrupt or kill me.
I've tried to be better about it...I spent years not paying attention to my hair and then when I almost lost it I realized how dear it is to me. So now I have an incredible hairdresser who makes my hair look amazing and it's worth it to me to pay him to do so.
And I have bought some new clothes (and boots...) because I have lost weight but I also feel just as good about getting into something I already have in my closet because I loved that dress or skirt or top enough to have held onto it.
So I am working on ME...and LOVING me...
and not just loving myself enough to save my life but to actually LIVE my life...
and to LOVE MY LIFE
I give lovely freely to so many but the person I am most stingy with is myself.
But like the avocado...and I deserve the avocado...I also deserve my own love.
Love isn't just about romance...love is giving of ourselves to someone...and sometimes that someone needs to be ourself.
I want to spend this year spreading and sharing as much love as I can.
And I want all of you to help me do it.
So as sweet beautiful JohnJohn said: find your word.
My word is love.
Let's spread love nice and thick and spilling out everywhere.
Let there be an abundance of love.
Let there be so much love that there is an excess of it.
And let's all soak up as much of it as we can.
And let's all love ourselves a little more...even if it just means you buy yourself an avocado.
Inspiration Song: "Let There Be Love" by Christina Aguilera (spin teachers take note: I LOVE to spin to this song it is literally maybe my favorite sprint song ever). It's not necessarily about the kind of love I am talking about here but I love the song...
Bye Darlings...what is your word? Find your word! And if it is LOVE let this year be one that LOVE is what you do...let there be love...
Monday, January 1, 2018
From Now On
Happy 2018 Darlings!
Here we are on the first day of a new year...
For me 2017 was absolutely the crappiest year of my life (other than my daughter graduating college and getting our Tommy Tune nominations (high school music awards) and my Dr. Angel discovering cancer in my neck THAT NO ONE ELSE FOUND so I could be saved).
Besides all the stupid horrible cancer stuff I had to face I also lost my sweet beloved kitty Seringa. She had been with me for 14 years and she literally was the sweetest baby on the planet. She never fussed, she loved so cuddle in bed and I loved her so much. Putting her "to sleep" because she had a cancerous mass in her pelvis (ironic, isn't it?) was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. And it was the day after chemo---so not only was I in emotional pain from the loss of her but I had the physical stuff from the chemo...it was not a good month...
Since I literally spent all of 2017 trying to fight what was trying to kill me (or dealing with the after affects of the treatments they were giving me) I am ready to start 2018 and have a better year.
I used to make the "usual" resolutions:
exercise more
lose weight
clean up my diet
spend more time with family
get work done quicker
be more organized
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
Ugh
and when I would set a goal for HOW much weight to lose I always felt like a failure...because it was unrealistic and too much pressure...
As I enter 2018 I am NOT making resolutions...
A friend of mine, PetroGirl, suggested instead of RESOLVING we should be EVOLVING...
To resolve is to firmly set a course of action.
But that's just PLANNING...
Goal Setting...
and goals are good...they are always good...
but often we do the part where we set the goal but we don't set the course of action to achieve that goal.
So it does no good to say "I'm going to lose 10 lbs" if you don't know what you are going to do to achieve that goal.
Or to say "I will exercise more" and you don't join a gym or workout boutique and you don't set a schedule to actually go and workout...
I love that I have to book my bikes at Revolution---it makes me commit to going and it sets a schedule for me.
But to EVOLVE is to develop gradually..from a simple to complex form...
So for that "lose 10 lbs goal"---set your course of action to be one that allows you to develop slowly so you don't feel like its a "diet" but rather an eating plan...
a lot of people are doing the "keto" diet to lose weight and for a lot of people it works GREAT. It's the old "Atkins" diet given a new name. For me Atkins never worked and the severe deprivation of carbs to get you into ketosis just isn't me...but if you do it right (and NEVER cheat because the most minor of cheats will have you gain weight quicker than you drank that glass of wine) and you have your doctor ok it (because going into ketosis can be dangerous for some people) it's a great way to drop some pounds. Google "keto diet" and you will get a lot of info to learn more...and please know that just because it doesn't work for me that I don't think it is a good plan...it is just not a good plan for ME
But to me that's not an evolution...that's a diet plan...
I do better with an evolution---where I don't suddenly cut out a bunch of stuff and change everything about how I eat.
So I lost 60 lbs last year (some of it gained during chemo)---which hey is another GOOD thing---by just cutting out some stuff but not depriving myself.
I cut out the "bad" carbs---bread, white rice, pasta, potatoes, sugar...and I did it slowly...the potatoes, rice and pasta went first...then the bread (I switched to a whole wheat health bread that comes in a smaller size loaf) and finally the sugar (which also means alcohol).
Do I still eat bread? Sometimes if I am at a restaurant with REALLY GOOD bread I MIGHT eat some...but sometimes I would rather cheat with a glass of wine. Otherwise I just have one slice of Dave's bread (green label)for breakfast or 2 slices with my lunchtime sandwich...
I allow myself potatoes or pasta once a month.
I do eat brown rice but in very low amounts and not very often. And usually with sushi or a poke bowl...
My diet EVOLVED into what it is...although to be perfectly honest it all went out the window this holiday season and I gained a few pounds back but sometimes you just have to eat:
tamales
prime rib
yorkshire pudding
cheesecake
shortbread cookies
gumbo
hamburgers
wine
wine
wine
wine
wine
hmmmmm....I see a lot of wine there...
and yes there was a lot of wine...
So if you are looking to drop a few plans MAKE A PLAN....and don't just cut out everything at once or you will feel deprived and can't keep going...whether is is cutting carbs, or eating less meat or red meat, or just cutting sugar take it slowly and just get rid of one thing a week.
For less carbs drop one "bad" carb a week but fill up with good healthy ones (google "low glycemic diet" and you will see which ones are "bad" and "good")
For less meat/red meat cut meat out of one meal a week to start with...or replace something you would normally make with red meat with chicken or turkey....tonight I made turkey chili---and I can't tell that it is not beef. I'm not saving that much in calories because you can get lean beef but I'm looking at the whole picture here and trying to cut back. After a few weeks on my current eating plan I plan to drop at least one meal a week that has meat and go meatless...
And sugar is a devil in a lot of places so start with the easy stuff---stuff you know has sugar in it---and go from there.
I never felt deprived eating this way because if I wanted to eat something I did---because it wouldn't wreck my eating plan if I did cheat. It just set me back.
And if fitness is one of your goals for 2018 don't just run to the nearest gym, workout like crazy for a week straight and then burn yourself out. Start slowly and jump in. Try something new. A lot of workout places offer a trial membership so you can try it and see if it is for you.
Or try Class Pass which gives you the opportunity to try several different places to workout and see what makes you happy.
Sometimes it is the exercise and sometimes it is the place you do it at.
There are a lot of spinning places and yoga places in Houston but for me Revolution is my favorite place because I love the people there so I don't go to the "big name brand mentioned all the time by celebrities" place because I am very happy where I am. Plus I pay less.
I expanded my yoga to include a second studio just because I needed a little flexibility when my schedule got crazy...so I cut back on a few other things so I could add in some other classes.
Explore what your city has to offer and give things a try. I never ever thought I would love yoga but I honestly do. I've tried Pilates a few times and found it hurts my knees and I watch the clock so that's one I don't do but I might revisit it again sometime...
And if gyms aren't your thing find a way to do it at home. Buy some light weights (you can do more than you think with just hand weights and a body bar). Subscribe to an online yoga program or something similar...just move!
No one becomes a marathoner overnight.
It takes training and it's an evolution of training that gets them to the point that they can run that far. You don't just start running and go 26 miles...
take any fitness goal the same way---start out slowly and then follow a plan to add in more until you hit a balance. No one plan works for everyone...
I have some other areas I want to EVOLVE in...
I want to:
declutter my house
find love
sell some things I no longer need
get rid of some of the things I have in storage
shop less (for groceries and for "things")
So I have made a plan for some but not all...
I'm going to start with what is in my house and take it room by room, cabinet by cabinet, drawer by drawer, closet by closet.
I won't try to do it all at once...if i do I will be overwhelmed.
I admire people who can just go into a room and reorganize it all at one time without stopping but I have ADD and I know my limits. So one thing at a time.
Once I have the house decluttered (and some things sold that I find I don't need) I will tackle the storage stuff...
which will lead me to shopping less for "things" because I am sure I will find a whole lotta stuff that I didn't realize I had..or don't need more of...
As for the groceries my eating plan will evolve into a meal prep plan so that on Saturday I can look at what my upcoming week is looking like and shop for what I plan to cook/eat and not make so many trips to the store.
As for the find love part---well that is also an evolution and that is one I need to figure out.
Online dating is a big hard "no" for me so I need to find other ways to put myself out socially and maybe I can finally meet someone now that my life isn't revolving around chemo and radiation and feeling horrible afterwards...
Goals are great...and so I have some...I plan to evolve to meet those goals...but I also know that a goal not met is not a failure but instead I need to adjust my planning and course of action.
So this is how I plan to evolve over this next year...join me in as many ways as you find are part of your evolution....be it diet, fitness, cleaning up your life and space or just growing...I will be part of your journey and you are part of mine...
From now on I know I have been given the gift of life...I have a second chance to live...to love...to express myself...to move forward...
From now on I will find ways to look ahead and keep going in that direction...
From now on I will be grateful that I have been given time to do the things I have put off or ignored...
From now on I will be ME...(see yesterday's blog---"this is me")
From now on I will evolve and become a better version of myself than I was the day before...
From now on I will take each day as a gift
From now on I will remember the warrior spirit and strength that got me through cancer and use it to forge through other trials in my life
From now on I will strive to be a light and not just live in the light...
From now on I will share my sparkle with love and not just by spreading glitter...
from now on I will shine from within...
from now on I will remember that love is a gift and I am worthy of that gift
from now on I will remember that the only person I am in competition with is myself....
from now on I will remember that my body is still healing and is not the same body I had 5 years ago so if I don't achieve as many calories burned in a workout, or don't push as hard IT IS OK.
from now on I will remember that deprivation is not necessary but moderation works for me...
from now on I will remember that God isn't done with me yet...He has more to show me and teach me and will continue to refine me...
from now on I will continue to use this blog as a forum for inspiration and change...and love
from now on I will remember that I am just me....and "me" is good enough...
Inspiration Song: "From Now On" from The Greatest Showman soundtrack. Yes I am obsessed with that movie and the music from it. But the words really resonate with me on this song about not being blinded by the light but to remember what matters...
Bye Darlings---what is your evolution going to be in 2018? Evolve, resolve, plan, set goals, reach out for more---but remember that you are YOU and a goal not achieved is not a failure...it just requires an adjustment in your planning...
Here we are on the first day of a new year...
For me 2017 was absolutely the crappiest year of my life (other than my daughter graduating college and getting our Tommy Tune nominations (high school music awards) and my Dr. Angel discovering cancer in my neck THAT NO ONE ELSE FOUND so I could be saved).
Besides all the stupid horrible cancer stuff I had to face I also lost my sweet beloved kitty Seringa. She had been with me for 14 years and she literally was the sweetest baby on the planet. She never fussed, she loved so cuddle in bed and I loved her so much. Putting her "to sleep" because she had a cancerous mass in her pelvis (ironic, isn't it?) was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. And it was the day after chemo---so not only was I in emotional pain from the loss of her but I had the physical stuff from the chemo...it was not a good month...
Since I literally spent all of 2017 trying to fight what was trying to kill me (or dealing with the after affects of the treatments they were giving me) I am ready to start 2018 and have a better year.
I used to make the "usual" resolutions:
exercise more
lose weight
clean up my diet
spend more time with family
get work done quicker
be more organized
blah
blah
blah
blah
blah
Ugh
and when I would set a goal for HOW much weight to lose I always felt like a failure...because it was unrealistic and too much pressure...
As I enter 2018 I am NOT making resolutions...
A friend of mine, PetroGirl, suggested instead of RESOLVING we should be EVOLVING...
To resolve is to firmly set a course of action.
But that's just PLANNING...
Goal Setting...
and goals are good...they are always good...
but often we do the part where we set the goal but we don't set the course of action to achieve that goal.
So it does no good to say "I'm going to lose 10 lbs" if you don't know what you are going to do to achieve that goal.
Or to say "I will exercise more" and you don't join a gym or workout boutique and you don't set a schedule to actually go and workout...
I love that I have to book my bikes at Revolution---it makes me commit to going and it sets a schedule for me.
But to EVOLVE is to develop gradually..from a simple to complex form...
So for that "lose 10 lbs goal"---set your course of action to be one that allows you to develop slowly so you don't feel like its a "diet" but rather an eating plan...
a lot of people are doing the "keto" diet to lose weight and for a lot of people it works GREAT. It's the old "Atkins" diet given a new name. For me Atkins never worked and the severe deprivation of carbs to get you into ketosis just isn't me...but if you do it right (and NEVER cheat because the most minor of cheats will have you gain weight quicker than you drank that glass of wine) and you have your doctor ok it (because going into ketosis can be dangerous for some people) it's a great way to drop some pounds. Google "keto diet" and you will get a lot of info to learn more...and please know that just because it doesn't work for me that I don't think it is a good plan...it is just not a good plan for ME
But to me that's not an evolution...that's a diet plan...
I do better with an evolution---where I don't suddenly cut out a bunch of stuff and change everything about how I eat.
So I lost 60 lbs last year (some of it gained during chemo)---which hey is another GOOD thing---by just cutting out some stuff but not depriving myself.
I cut out the "bad" carbs---bread, white rice, pasta, potatoes, sugar...and I did it slowly...the potatoes, rice and pasta went first...then the bread (I switched to a whole wheat health bread that comes in a smaller size loaf) and finally the sugar (which also means alcohol).
Do I still eat bread? Sometimes if I am at a restaurant with REALLY GOOD bread I MIGHT eat some...but sometimes I would rather cheat with a glass of wine. Otherwise I just have one slice of Dave's bread (green label)for breakfast or 2 slices with my lunchtime sandwich...
I allow myself potatoes or pasta once a month.
I do eat brown rice but in very low amounts and not very often. And usually with sushi or a poke bowl...
My diet EVOLVED into what it is...although to be perfectly honest it all went out the window this holiday season and I gained a few pounds back but sometimes you just have to eat:
tamales
prime rib
yorkshire pudding
cheesecake
shortbread cookies
gumbo
hamburgers
wine
wine
wine
wine
wine
hmmmmm....I see a lot of wine there...
and yes there was a lot of wine...
So if you are looking to drop a few plans MAKE A PLAN....and don't just cut out everything at once or you will feel deprived and can't keep going...whether is is cutting carbs, or eating less meat or red meat, or just cutting sugar take it slowly and just get rid of one thing a week.
For less carbs drop one "bad" carb a week but fill up with good healthy ones (google "low glycemic diet" and you will see which ones are "bad" and "good")
For less meat/red meat cut meat out of one meal a week to start with...or replace something you would normally make with red meat with chicken or turkey....tonight I made turkey chili---and I can't tell that it is not beef. I'm not saving that much in calories because you can get lean beef but I'm looking at the whole picture here and trying to cut back. After a few weeks on my current eating plan I plan to drop at least one meal a week that has meat and go meatless...
And sugar is a devil in a lot of places so start with the easy stuff---stuff you know has sugar in it---and go from there.
I never felt deprived eating this way because if I wanted to eat something I did---because it wouldn't wreck my eating plan if I did cheat. It just set me back.
And if fitness is one of your goals for 2018 don't just run to the nearest gym, workout like crazy for a week straight and then burn yourself out. Start slowly and jump in. Try something new. A lot of workout places offer a trial membership so you can try it and see if it is for you.
Or try Class Pass which gives you the opportunity to try several different places to workout and see what makes you happy.
Sometimes it is the exercise and sometimes it is the place you do it at.
There are a lot of spinning places and yoga places in Houston but for me Revolution is my favorite place because I love the people there so I don't go to the "big name brand mentioned all the time by celebrities" place because I am very happy where I am. Plus I pay less.
I expanded my yoga to include a second studio just because I needed a little flexibility when my schedule got crazy...so I cut back on a few other things so I could add in some other classes.
Explore what your city has to offer and give things a try. I never ever thought I would love yoga but I honestly do. I've tried Pilates a few times and found it hurts my knees and I watch the clock so that's one I don't do but I might revisit it again sometime...
And if gyms aren't your thing find a way to do it at home. Buy some light weights (you can do more than you think with just hand weights and a body bar). Subscribe to an online yoga program or something similar...just move!
No one becomes a marathoner overnight.
It takes training and it's an evolution of training that gets them to the point that they can run that far. You don't just start running and go 26 miles...
take any fitness goal the same way---start out slowly and then follow a plan to add in more until you hit a balance. No one plan works for everyone...
I have some other areas I want to EVOLVE in...
I want to:
declutter my house
find love
sell some things I no longer need
get rid of some of the things I have in storage
shop less (for groceries and for "things")
So I have made a plan for some but not all...
I'm going to start with what is in my house and take it room by room, cabinet by cabinet, drawer by drawer, closet by closet.
I won't try to do it all at once...if i do I will be overwhelmed.
I admire people who can just go into a room and reorganize it all at one time without stopping but I have ADD and I know my limits. So one thing at a time.
Once I have the house decluttered (and some things sold that I find I don't need) I will tackle the storage stuff...
which will lead me to shopping less for "things" because I am sure I will find a whole lotta stuff that I didn't realize I had..or don't need more of...
As for the groceries my eating plan will evolve into a meal prep plan so that on Saturday I can look at what my upcoming week is looking like and shop for what I plan to cook/eat and not make so many trips to the store.
As for the find love part---well that is also an evolution and that is one I need to figure out.
Online dating is a big hard "no" for me so I need to find other ways to put myself out socially and maybe I can finally meet someone now that my life isn't revolving around chemo and radiation and feeling horrible afterwards...
Goals are great...and so I have some...I plan to evolve to meet those goals...but I also know that a goal not met is not a failure but instead I need to adjust my planning and course of action.
So this is how I plan to evolve over this next year...join me in as many ways as you find are part of your evolution....be it diet, fitness, cleaning up your life and space or just growing...I will be part of your journey and you are part of mine...
From now on I know I have been given the gift of life...I have a second chance to live...to love...to express myself...to move forward...
From now on I will find ways to look ahead and keep going in that direction...
From now on I will be grateful that I have been given time to do the things I have put off or ignored...
From now on I will be ME...(see yesterday's blog---"this is me")
From now on I will evolve and become a better version of myself than I was the day before...
From now on I will take each day as a gift
From now on I will remember the warrior spirit and strength that got me through cancer and use it to forge through other trials in my life
From now on I will strive to be a light and not just live in the light...
From now on I will share my sparkle with love and not just by spreading glitter...
from now on I will shine from within...
from now on I will remember that love is a gift and I am worthy of that gift
from now on I will remember that the only person I am in competition with is myself....
from now on I will remember that my body is still healing and is not the same body I had 5 years ago so if I don't achieve as many calories burned in a workout, or don't push as hard IT IS OK.
from now on I will remember that deprivation is not necessary but moderation works for me...
from now on I will remember that God isn't done with me yet...He has more to show me and teach me and will continue to refine me...
from now on I will continue to use this blog as a forum for inspiration and change...and love
from now on I will remember that I am just me....and "me" is good enough...
Inspiration Song: "From Now On" from The Greatest Showman soundtrack. Yes I am obsessed with that movie and the music from it. But the words really resonate with me on this song about not being blinded by the light but to remember what matters...
Bye Darlings---what is your evolution going to be in 2018? Evolve, resolve, plan, set goals, reach out for more---but remember that you are YOU and a goal not achieved is not a failure...it just requires an adjustment in your planning...
Sunday, December 31, 2017
This is Me
Hello Darlings...
I went to see my favorite movie of this year the other day: "The Greatest Showman". I went with GOTTESS, GOTT, and GOTTSON.
GOTTESS and I cried through the whole movie....every number made us burst into tears. The beauty of the songs, costumes, choreography and styling made us cry happy tears...and GOTT as usual thought we were cute---if not a little freaky for it...but he's used to it with us...
If you are not familiar with the movie it is a musical fictionalized account of PT Barnum's life.
And if you know who Barnum is you know it was a circus of freaks and oddities that brought him fame and fortune.
There's a point in the movie when the Bearded Lady sings a song about being "different" and it really resonates with me as I often find myself thinking I am strange, unusual, and different.
I joke that I am a magical unicorn warrior princess...but that is how I see myself: magical in that I have overcome things I wasn't sure I could, a unicorn in that I am a rare being for all my odd combinations of talents and faults, a warrior because I have battled something that literally has been trying to kill me and a princess in that I like me some sparkle and glitz and princess-y things...
It's taken me 53 years but I finally actually like who I am and I embrace my uniqueness and differences.
Do I love my fat dimpled thighs?
no...
make that:
HELL NO
but I've never had skinny thighs so at this point in life I have accepted it and along with my big fat booty and I will deal with them.
I gained weight for a few reasons:
1) I was ill...my body was fighting cancer before I knew I had it so my metabolism was not working properly
2) then I had chemo and the devil drug Decadron made me think that I was literally starving all the time...I basically turned into my cat Zulu (who thinks he is starving if he can see the bottom of his bowl)
3) I like to cook and I cook good food
4) I like to eat...and I like to eat good food...and I like to eat the good food I cook
I'm never going to be thin because my metabolism is basically running at the glacial speed of a sloth.
And I am never going to give up enjoying food because unless I live on a diet of water, lemon slices and AIR I will gain weight...
So I have accepted my curves and am trying to embrace them...
I have also accepted that I am a crier.
If you know me you know I can be set into tears at the drop of a hat.
Things that make me cry:
beautiful things like art and fashion
sentimental movies
my students performing
my children achieving their goals
those damn "save an animal" commercials
The Color Purple
The Greatest Showman
The Lion King
Aggie football
Game of Thrones
cute animal videos
babies
chemo
fear of dying
lonliness
Hallmark commercials (but not the movies...weirdly I don't watch them)
bullying
seeing my children when they come home
the song "She Used to be Mine"
and the list goes on and on and on...
I cry...
it's just part of me...
Hopefully the next man who I let into my heart will fall in line with the old saying:
"find a man who ruins your lipstick and not your mascara"
This year I cried a lot...over so many many things but mostly for all the crap I have been put through with this damn cancer.
I've been tested beyond what I thought I could stand.
And some things pushed me to my limit:
the thought of losing my hair (so I didn't)
being told I was Stage 4 and not 3 (so I had more treatment)
my first chemo (handled it like a boss)
fear of dying (oh hell no)
missing my workouts (I need to sweat)
No one ever has a year where every thing is sunny and rosy and nothing bad happens. I had to fight cancer. Other friends have lost loved ones or their homes (thank goodness God knew my plate was full and I was spared those things).
Illness is one of those things you have zero control over.
Because cancer gives zero "f'cks" if you are young or old, fat or skinny, rich or poor, gay or straight, married or single, blonde or dark haired, pretty or not so pretty, or whatever the hell you are.
Cancer is gonna get who cancer is gonna get.
Other than my weight I have lived a fairly healthy life and yet here I sit battling a Stage 4 cancer that most do not survive....or at least not for long.
I've tried to live life as a good person...I try to be good, kind, loving, helpful, giving, supportive, friendly, compassionate, wise, discerning, and just generally try to be a person who does more good in life than bad...that gives more than she takes...that loves more than she hates...and that helps more than she hurts.
And yet I am alone and I have cancer.
(Oh please oh please oh please do not message me that I am not alone...we have been over this...friends and loved ones are very helpful but for me it would have been so nice to have had a man to hold me the nights before chemo when I was terrified or who would have kissed me and told me I was cute in my cold caps or would have held my hand when the doctors told me all the bad stuff.
And 99% of you who tell me I am not alone---are not alone yourselves. So please...don't....there is a difference... and if you have someone you love you have no clue what it is to be alone and ill....because if you became ill you would not be alone...and if you are alone and blessed not to be ill you won't get it either)
So I am alone...and I have cancer...
but it doesn't define me...
it might anger and sadden and frustrate me but it does NOT define me...
I am more than my illness...
This year I have survived:
5 rounds of chemo (the 1st of 6 was in 2016)
hours in a freezing cap
25 rounds of radiation to my pelvis
3 brachy treatments
30 rounds of radiation to my neck
4 infusions of cisplatin
4 blood transfusions
a hernia surgery
countless blood draws
a million needle sticks
hours in waiting rooms
CT scans and a PET scan
more nausea pills than i can count
It's a lot to handle.
My stomach looks like a road map to hell...no one will ever see me in a bikini again...
I am battered and scarred...I look like a broken doll...
But those scars might be visible but they do not define me.
When we have to face our toughest challenges...our darkest fears...our highest mountains and hurdles we see what we are made of.
We transform from human to warrior...
Sometimes it is facing poison in your veins....or water rising in your home...or watching a loved one die...or saying goodbye to a marriage or relationship...or overcoming an injury...or surviving a business setback...
A warrior emerges from the shadows of the doubts we have about ourselves.
So as I see myself and define "this is me" on the last day of 2017 I am:
stronger than I was a year ago
battle scarred and weary but not defeated
hopelessly in love with the hope of finding love
devoted to my children and friends
prouder than ever of my students
sentimental and sappy but good with it
I am sparkly and I do not color inside the lines and I can't be put into a neat little package that defines me or confines me...
I have wings to fly because my Angel doctor gave them to me as he tries to cure me...
I have a song to sing because Dr. Rockstar made sure I stayed alive
I have tears to cry because I have love in my heart
I have strength that can only come from having been weak
I would hope that the most beautiful thing about me is not my face, or my green eyes or my hair but rather my loving heart...
I would hope that the strongest thing about me is not battling cancer but HOW I battled it...
I am weird and wonderful
I am odd and sweet
I am a glitter unicorn warrior princess
and no one can change that in me...nor can cancer...
My armor is rose gold and studded with crystals...my shield is golden and shiny to reflect the bad stuff away...my weapons are love and faith...
I survived a year that many would not have...because a lot of women die from El Diablo.
I vowed on New Year's Eve last year that I would see this day---December 31, 2017.
I am here....and I will see many more...
Thank you all for these last 365 days of love and support and reading all this word vomit I do and all my endless complaining and whining...
and thank you for letting me be me...
This is Me...
and I like Me...
she's not perfect
but she's Me...
Inspiration Song: "This is Me" from "The Greatest Showman". The music and lyrics are by the team (Pasek and Paul) that wrote "dear Evan Hansen" and "LaLaLand". Kesha does a very beautiful cover of the song but it is Keala Settle's performance from the movie that does me in every time. If you have not seen the movie---go!
Lyrics...because they are so powerful:
THIS IS ME
by Pasek and Paul
Bye Darlings: Happy New Year to you...may 2017 be in your rear view mirror if it was a tough one to get through and may 2018 be better...
I went to see my favorite movie of this year the other day: "The Greatest Showman". I went with GOTTESS, GOTT, and GOTTSON.
GOTTESS and I cried through the whole movie....every number made us burst into tears. The beauty of the songs, costumes, choreography and styling made us cry happy tears...and GOTT as usual thought we were cute---if not a little freaky for it...but he's used to it with us...
If you are not familiar with the movie it is a musical fictionalized account of PT Barnum's life.
And if you know who Barnum is you know it was a circus of freaks and oddities that brought him fame and fortune.
There's a point in the movie when the Bearded Lady sings a song about being "different" and it really resonates with me as I often find myself thinking I am strange, unusual, and different.
I joke that I am a magical unicorn warrior princess...but that is how I see myself: magical in that I have overcome things I wasn't sure I could, a unicorn in that I am a rare being for all my odd combinations of talents and faults, a warrior because I have battled something that literally has been trying to kill me and a princess in that I like me some sparkle and glitz and princess-y things...
It's taken me 53 years but I finally actually like who I am and I embrace my uniqueness and differences.
Do I love my fat dimpled thighs?
no...
make that:
HELL NO
but I've never had skinny thighs so at this point in life I have accepted it and along with my big fat booty and I will deal with them.
I gained weight for a few reasons:
1) I was ill...my body was fighting cancer before I knew I had it so my metabolism was not working properly
2) then I had chemo and the devil drug Decadron made me think that I was literally starving all the time...I basically turned into my cat Zulu (who thinks he is starving if he can see the bottom of his bowl)
3) I like to cook and I cook good food
4) I like to eat...and I like to eat good food...and I like to eat the good food I cook
I'm never going to be thin because my metabolism is basically running at the glacial speed of a sloth.
And I am never going to give up enjoying food because unless I live on a diet of water, lemon slices and AIR I will gain weight...
So I have accepted my curves and am trying to embrace them...
I have also accepted that I am a crier.
If you know me you know I can be set into tears at the drop of a hat.
Things that make me cry:
beautiful things like art and fashion
sentimental movies
my students performing
my children achieving their goals
those damn "save an animal" commercials
The Color Purple
The Greatest Showman
The Lion King
Aggie football
Game of Thrones
cute animal videos
babies
chemo
fear of dying
lonliness
Hallmark commercials (but not the movies...weirdly I don't watch them)
bullying
seeing my children when they come home
the song "She Used to be Mine"
and the list goes on and on and on...
I cry...
it's just part of me...
Hopefully the next man who I let into my heart will fall in line with the old saying:
"find a man who ruins your lipstick and not your mascara"
This year I cried a lot...over so many many things but mostly for all the crap I have been put through with this damn cancer.
I've been tested beyond what I thought I could stand.
And some things pushed me to my limit:
the thought of losing my hair (so I didn't)
being told I was Stage 4 and not 3 (so I had more treatment)
my first chemo (handled it like a boss)
fear of dying (oh hell no)
missing my workouts (I need to sweat)
No one ever has a year where every thing is sunny and rosy and nothing bad happens. I had to fight cancer. Other friends have lost loved ones or their homes (thank goodness God knew my plate was full and I was spared those things).
Illness is one of those things you have zero control over.
Because cancer gives zero "f'cks" if you are young or old, fat or skinny, rich or poor, gay or straight, married or single, blonde or dark haired, pretty or not so pretty, or whatever the hell you are.
Cancer is gonna get who cancer is gonna get.
Other than my weight I have lived a fairly healthy life and yet here I sit battling a Stage 4 cancer that most do not survive....or at least not for long.
I've tried to live life as a good person...I try to be good, kind, loving, helpful, giving, supportive, friendly, compassionate, wise, discerning, and just generally try to be a person who does more good in life than bad...that gives more than she takes...that loves more than she hates...and that helps more than she hurts.
And yet I am alone and I have cancer.
(Oh please oh please oh please do not message me that I am not alone...we have been over this...friends and loved ones are very helpful but for me it would have been so nice to have had a man to hold me the nights before chemo when I was terrified or who would have kissed me and told me I was cute in my cold caps or would have held my hand when the doctors told me all the bad stuff.
And 99% of you who tell me I am not alone---are not alone yourselves. So please...don't....there is a difference... and if you have someone you love you have no clue what it is to be alone and ill....because if you became ill you would not be alone...and if you are alone and blessed not to be ill you won't get it either)
So I am alone...and I have cancer...
but it doesn't define me...
it might anger and sadden and frustrate me but it does NOT define me...
I am more than my illness...
This year I have survived:
5 rounds of chemo (the 1st of 6 was in 2016)
hours in a freezing cap
25 rounds of radiation to my pelvis
3 brachy treatments
30 rounds of radiation to my neck
4 infusions of cisplatin
4 blood transfusions
a hernia surgery
countless blood draws
a million needle sticks
hours in waiting rooms
CT scans and a PET scan
more nausea pills than i can count
It's a lot to handle.
My stomach looks like a road map to hell...no one will ever see me in a bikini again...
I am battered and scarred...I look like a broken doll...
But those scars might be visible but they do not define me.
When we have to face our toughest challenges...our darkest fears...our highest mountains and hurdles we see what we are made of.
We transform from human to warrior...
Sometimes it is facing poison in your veins....or water rising in your home...or watching a loved one die...or saying goodbye to a marriage or relationship...or overcoming an injury...or surviving a business setback...
A warrior emerges from the shadows of the doubts we have about ourselves.
So as I see myself and define "this is me" on the last day of 2017 I am:
stronger than I was a year ago
battle scarred and weary but not defeated
hopelessly in love with the hope of finding love
devoted to my children and friends
prouder than ever of my students
sentimental and sappy but good with it
I am sparkly and I do not color inside the lines and I can't be put into a neat little package that defines me or confines me...
I have wings to fly because my Angel doctor gave them to me as he tries to cure me...
I have a song to sing because Dr. Rockstar made sure I stayed alive
I have tears to cry because I have love in my heart
I have strength that can only come from having been weak
I would hope that the most beautiful thing about me is not my face, or my green eyes or my hair but rather my loving heart...
I would hope that the strongest thing about me is not battling cancer but HOW I battled it...
I am weird and wonderful
I am odd and sweet
I am a glitter unicorn warrior princess
and no one can change that in me...nor can cancer...
My armor is rose gold and studded with crystals...my shield is golden and shiny to reflect the bad stuff away...my weapons are love and faith...
I survived a year that many would not have...because a lot of women die from El Diablo.
I vowed on New Year's Eve last year that I would see this day---December 31, 2017.
I am here....and I will see many more...
Thank you all for these last 365 days of love and support and reading all this word vomit I do and all my endless complaining and whining...
and thank you for letting me be me...
This is Me...
and I like Me...
she's not perfect
but she's Me...
Inspiration Song: "This is Me" from "The Greatest Showman". The music and lyrics are by the team (Pasek and Paul) that wrote "dear Evan Hansen" and "LaLaLand". Kesha does a very beautiful cover of the song but it is Keala Settle's performance from the movie that does me in every time. If you have not seen the movie---go!
Lyrics...because they are so powerful:
THIS IS ME
by Pasek and Paul
I'm not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
'Cause we don't want your broken parts
I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one will love you as you are
[Pre-Chorus]
But I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious
[Chorus]
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am great, I am proof
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
[Post-Chorus]
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh
Bye Darlings: Happy New Year to you...may 2017 be in your rear view mirror if it was a tough one to get through and may 2018 be better...
Saturday, December 23, 2017
Poison
Hello Darlings,
Today is an anniversary of sorts...
December 23, 2016 I had my first chemo treatment.
I barely slept the night before.
I was so scared...no, make that TERRIFIED...
I had no clue how it would feel to have poison poured into my veins...if my port would work...if I would get sick...if the cold caps would work to keep my hair...if it would hurt...if I could do it...
So with a lack of sleep and a lot of fear I got into my friend SweetShari's car (along with my giant rolling ice chest full of the cold caps) and we headed off for the cancer center.
Getting around with that giant ice chest was not easy...it looked like we were about to have a big picnic in the cancer center.
When I put my first cap on I remember thinking:
there is no way I can do this for 6-8 hours...it is so cold...no it's not cold it's FREEZING...why am I doing this...wow do I look stupid...everyone is staring at me...oh this is cold....FREEZING...if this is this hard how hard will it be when they start the poison?
(you have to put the cold cap on an hour before they start the Taxol)
But I adjusted to the caps and then a nurse called me in to access my port.
"Access my port" is a phrase I NEVER thought I would say.
I sat in the chair and she uncovered my newly placed port and asked me if I wanted Lidocaine.
"yes"
or maybe I said: "hell yes"
I had no idea what it would feel like and I didn't want to feel it any more than I had to.
Lots of gloves and draping later and a shot of lidocaine and a little "punch" to the port and I had a line in for the poison.
They moved me to a bed for the infusions...
I thought "yay! A bed!" but I came to realize I was more comfy in a lounge chair so that first infusion was a little hard as it was not comfortable to lay down with the cap on...
When it came time to start the Taxol I started to cry...
So did SweetShari...
I was so scared...and looking at that bag with poison warnings on it was terrifying...my nurse had to be in a special gown and coverings so that he did not have any contact with the Taxol.
I looked at him and said "you can't touch this and yet it is being poured into my veins..."
For about the first half hour every time I looked at that bag I teared up...
I kept thinking:
how did I get here?
how is it that I have this horrible scary cancer?
how am I having chemo?
why I am here today and not prepping for Christmas?
It is a very surreal experience to have chemo.
Cancer feels very surreal.
Surgery is one thing...I have had surgeries before.
But chemo was something else...
When you have chemo it makes it feel even more real...because chemo is the thing that most people associate with cancer...that and radiation (and lucky me I got BOTH)
So the poison began to drip into my veins and I kept praying it was going to work
We kept changing out the caps and then Twirler Girl came with lunch and tapped SweetShari out and took over the care and maintenance of me...
I don't know what I would have done without Twirler Girl and her diligence at setting the alarm and changing the caps...had I been alone I could have never done it.
Between her and Aunt Jane I have a head full of hair...and I don't look like a human emoji...
But that first infusion was a doozy...it was scary not knowing what it would feel like both during and after.
And I had not been fully aware of what the devil drug Decadron does to you---it makes you the Energizer Bunny for about 24 hours and then you crash hard...but only after eating half the contents of your refrigerator and no carb is safe around you.
(the eating part lasts for days...better than throwing up but so not fun gaining weight each round of chemo)
So a year has passed since that fateful day...
I've had to face so much more this year than just the chemo...but you all know all of that...
What I do find as I look back on that day one year ago is that it changed me...and not just by killing cancer cells.
It takes a great amount of fortitude to sit in the chair, have your port accessed and then have chemicals put in your body that are toxic.
And a great amount of faith that it will work.
Anyone who has ever had a chemo infusion will tell you that you look up at that bag of poison hanging on the pole next to you and you pray with everything in you that it will cure you.
Every time they started the drip I prayed...I prayed for healing...I prayed it would give me a life...
And I sit now on the precipice of possibly being free of the disease---for now or maybe forever....and I am grateful for those drugs that helped to get me here.
Last Christmas I was sick...the kids were worried about me and I was doing my best to hold it together for them.
On Christmas Eve I felt ok but come Christmas Day I was so tired and felt so awful I just wanted to sleep.
This year I feel great...and I want to spend every minute enjoying the time I have been given with my family and to make memories...because this horrible disease can take me from them if I am not cured.
I want my kids to spend these next two days happy with their healthy mom and not worrying about me.
God has given me a gift...the gift of time...and I plan to enjoy that time.
Over this past year I know that each and every one of you has faced some sort of challenge...some are harder than others but we all have challenges. It matters not if they are big or small, easy or tough, or if you are facing death or just facing the in-laws.
Challenges...
And it's how we face them and get over them that sometimes defines us...
I faced this damn cancer like a boss...a badass cancer kicking warrior woman boss...
And I am a woman who is terrified of heights and cockroaches...but I did not let this stuff undo me...
I do not know what else God will have me face in my future but I can tell that He must have a lot of faith in ME because he has given me plenty to handle over time. Because He only gives us what we can handle...never more...
I'm not sure what my next hurdle is..the next bump in the road...the next surprise around the corner...
but I do know that if I can sit and have poison dripped into my veins while wearing a cap that is -25 degrees I can pretty much face anything...
I see friends who have had challenges that I could not handle well at all handle them with grace and so much dignity. Friends who have lost children....who have lost partners/spouses....friends who have lost their homes...who have lost their jobs...
I lost a year of my life fighting something that was trying to kill me.
I entered a ring to battle an opponent that defeats more than he loses to...that fights dirty...that kills more often than just maims...
El Diablo has not a care if you are young or old, rich or poor, married or single, gay or straight or bi, pretty or ugly, Christian or not, fat or skinny...El Diablo does not give a shit...
El Diablo is going to get who he wants...
But El Diablo is not going to get me...
Inspiration Song: "Poison" by Bel Biv Devoe...oh yeah your forgot about this one, didn't you? Well I had my share of poison...and one year later it looks like it did it's job...
Bye Darlings...Merry Christmas to all who celebrate it...I am so grateful this year to feel well and have my kids and family around...a year ago I did not know if I would be here...and yet---here I am...thanks to some poison...
Today is an anniversary of sorts...
December 23, 2016 I had my first chemo treatment.
I barely slept the night before.
I was so scared...no, make that TERRIFIED...
I had no clue how it would feel to have poison poured into my veins...if my port would work...if I would get sick...if the cold caps would work to keep my hair...if it would hurt...if I could do it...
So with a lack of sleep and a lot of fear I got into my friend SweetShari's car (along with my giant rolling ice chest full of the cold caps) and we headed off for the cancer center.
Getting around with that giant ice chest was not easy...it looked like we were about to have a big picnic in the cancer center.
When I put my first cap on I remember thinking:
there is no way I can do this for 6-8 hours...it is so cold...no it's not cold it's FREEZING...why am I doing this...wow do I look stupid...everyone is staring at me...oh this is cold....FREEZING...if this is this hard how hard will it be when they start the poison?
(you have to put the cold cap on an hour before they start the Taxol)
But I adjusted to the caps and then a nurse called me in to access my port.
"Access my port" is a phrase I NEVER thought I would say.
I sat in the chair and she uncovered my newly placed port and asked me if I wanted Lidocaine.
"yes"
or maybe I said: "hell yes"
I had no idea what it would feel like and I didn't want to feel it any more than I had to.
Lots of gloves and draping later and a shot of lidocaine and a little "punch" to the port and I had a line in for the poison.
They moved me to a bed for the infusions...
I thought "yay! A bed!" but I came to realize I was more comfy in a lounge chair so that first infusion was a little hard as it was not comfortable to lay down with the cap on...
When it came time to start the Taxol I started to cry...
So did SweetShari...
I was so scared...and looking at that bag with poison warnings on it was terrifying...my nurse had to be in a special gown and coverings so that he did not have any contact with the Taxol.
I looked at him and said "you can't touch this and yet it is being poured into my veins..."
For about the first half hour every time I looked at that bag I teared up...
I kept thinking:
how did I get here?
how is it that I have this horrible scary cancer?
how am I having chemo?
why I am here today and not prepping for Christmas?
It is a very surreal experience to have chemo.
Cancer feels very surreal.
Surgery is one thing...I have had surgeries before.
But chemo was something else...
When you have chemo it makes it feel even more real...because chemo is the thing that most people associate with cancer...that and radiation (and lucky me I got BOTH)
So the poison began to drip into my veins and I kept praying it was going to work
We kept changing out the caps and then Twirler Girl came with lunch and tapped SweetShari out and took over the care and maintenance of me...
I don't know what I would have done without Twirler Girl and her diligence at setting the alarm and changing the caps...had I been alone I could have never done it.
Between her and Aunt Jane I have a head full of hair...and I don't look like a human emoji...
But that first infusion was a doozy...it was scary not knowing what it would feel like both during and after.
And I had not been fully aware of what the devil drug Decadron does to you---it makes you the Energizer Bunny for about 24 hours and then you crash hard...but only after eating half the contents of your refrigerator and no carb is safe around you.
(the eating part lasts for days...better than throwing up but so not fun gaining weight each round of chemo)
So a year has passed since that fateful day...
I've had to face so much more this year than just the chemo...but you all know all of that...
What I do find as I look back on that day one year ago is that it changed me...and not just by killing cancer cells.
It takes a great amount of fortitude to sit in the chair, have your port accessed and then have chemicals put in your body that are toxic.
And a great amount of faith that it will work.
Anyone who has ever had a chemo infusion will tell you that you look up at that bag of poison hanging on the pole next to you and you pray with everything in you that it will cure you.
Every time they started the drip I prayed...I prayed for healing...I prayed it would give me a life...
And I sit now on the precipice of possibly being free of the disease---for now or maybe forever....and I am grateful for those drugs that helped to get me here.
Last Christmas I was sick...the kids were worried about me and I was doing my best to hold it together for them.
On Christmas Eve I felt ok but come Christmas Day I was so tired and felt so awful I just wanted to sleep.
This year I feel great...and I want to spend every minute enjoying the time I have been given with my family and to make memories...because this horrible disease can take me from them if I am not cured.
I want my kids to spend these next two days happy with their healthy mom and not worrying about me.
God has given me a gift...the gift of time...and I plan to enjoy that time.
Over this past year I know that each and every one of you has faced some sort of challenge...some are harder than others but we all have challenges. It matters not if they are big or small, easy or tough, or if you are facing death or just facing the in-laws.
Challenges...
And it's how we face them and get over them that sometimes defines us...
I faced this damn cancer like a boss...a badass cancer kicking warrior woman boss...
And I am a woman who is terrified of heights and cockroaches...but I did not let this stuff undo me...
I do not know what else God will have me face in my future but I can tell that He must have a lot of faith in ME because he has given me plenty to handle over time. Because He only gives us what we can handle...never more...
I'm not sure what my next hurdle is..the next bump in the road...the next surprise around the corner...
but I do know that if I can sit and have poison dripped into my veins while wearing a cap that is -25 degrees I can pretty much face anything...
I see friends who have had challenges that I could not handle well at all handle them with grace and so much dignity. Friends who have lost children....who have lost partners/spouses....friends who have lost their homes...who have lost their jobs...
I lost a year of my life fighting something that was trying to kill me.
I entered a ring to battle an opponent that defeats more than he loses to...that fights dirty...that kills more often than just maims...
El Diablo has not a care if you are young or old, rich or poor, married or single, gay or straight or bi, pretty or ugly, Christian or not, fat or skinny...El Diablo does not give a shit...
El Diablo is going to get who he wants...
But El Diablo is not going to get me...
Inspiration Song: "Poison" by Bel Biv Devoe...oh yeah your forgot about this one, didn't you? Well I had my share of poison...and one year later it looks like it did it's job...
Bye Darlings...Merry Christmas to all who celebrate it...I am so grateful this year to feel well and have my kids and family around...a year ago I did not know if I would be here...and yet---here I am...thanks to some poison...
Thursday, December 7, 2017
Angels Among Us
Hello Darlings!
So how does it feel to be told you are cancer free?
What's it like to be informed that El Diablo is El Gone-o?
Um....I don't know...
I'm not exactly there yet...
but I am so close I can taste it.
Over on the cancer board forum that I sometimes read they call it "Dancing With NED"...in other words No Evidence of Disease (NED).
I can't wait to dance with NED!
He will be my new boyfriend...
I'd like to start with a tango...and then maybe move to a foxtrot and go from there...
Me and NED could be the new power couple on Dancing With the Stars!!!!
But I am not QUITE at NED yet...
Let's put it this way:
I'm in the ballroom with him
and he is eyeing me from across the dancefloor
and he is making his way toward me
and I am giving El Diablo his walking papers
and I see NED heading my way
So I'm close but we have just a little bit more waiting to do before I can take NED by the hand and we can start that tango.
I saw Dr. Angel today...
I love that man...
truly love him...
he's the sweetest doctor I have ever had and he knows just how to handle me and has a good sense of humor.
So he took me into his office and pulled up my scans on his big computer screens.
He points to a scan that has a very scary black blob on it.
He says "I bet even you can tell that is bad"
I remind him I only speak glitter and that it's all blobs to me and that the black mass is scary.
He laughs and says "this is your OLD scan" and then goes on to show me the new scans (still just blobs to me and I realize I am glad my life does not depend on MY ability to read them) and tells me that the lymph nodes that were cancerous have reduced in size a lot and that there is no new evidence of disease.
That got a little scream of joy from me and a big hug for him...
and then he says the word I dread...
the word I was afraid to hear...
he says: BUT
I looked at him and said "it's always something isn't it?"
So the BUT was that although the glands have shrunk they are still on the large side of "normal" and we don't know if they are free of cancer yet.
So he says I have to have a PET scan in 6 weeks.
I tried to negotiate to have it done tomorrow but he vetoed that
Apparently we have to wait just a little longer to see if the treatments worked and if the lymph nodes go down some more.
I have total and complete faith in Dr. Angel and that he cured me so if I have to wait I have to wait...
He did say that he might want me to have the lymph glands taken out.
okie dokie
well....I'm being a little flip about it....it's actually fairly serious surgery because they lymph glands are right by my carotid artery so there's that...
He called the surgeon and they decided they will decide in 6 weeks...
okie dokie
In the meantime I get to enjoy my life...have a much better Christmas than last year and continue to recover from the Gertie the Hernia removal surgery.
Dr. Angel said I looked good and healthy and could not feel the lymph glands when he felt for them and he was amazed at how good the skin on my neck looked because it did not look one bit like I had radiation.
(that's because I used Rodan + Fields "Soothe" cream on my neck and it was a miracle cream...if you know anyone who will be having radiation please tell them to find a friend who is an R+F rep (or me) and get the Soothe line to protect their skin. He's now going to recommend it to patients...)
So for now...
GOOD NEWS!!!!!
OK people it's time to dance...that's all of you...so right now get up and do some dancing because I don't get to dance with NED for 6 more weeks so I need all of you to dance with me now...
Dance like Snoopy....or any of the Peanuts...
Dance like Ren in Footloose
Dance like Fred Astaire in anything...or Gene Kelly...
Do the moonwalk like Michael Jackson
Walk like an Egyptian...
Be Cyd Charisse and vamp it up a bit...
Dance like Napoleon Dynamite did for Pedro...
just DANCE!!!!
(you there in the back just standing there with your arms crossed---I said to DANCE DAMMIT)
I know I did...I danced all the way to my car in my high heeled booties....
I've waited for this since April when I finished chemo...
but then I had to have radiation
I've waited for this since early September...
but then there was the pesky lymph glands in my neck and more radiation
So now I get good news.
So
Now
I
Get
Good
News
I was freaking out on the way to the doc so I called Twirler Girl and had her give me some moral support. She's fought hard along with me to make sure I am ok (and that I got to keep my hair). She had a good feeling about it but I was nervous. I've been tired lately and had some tummy issues (I see now that was all STRESS) and I was freaked out because Dr. Rockstar's office called and said I had an appointment with her on Monday so I was totally convinced she was seeing me because it was bad news (as it turns out it was just a coincidence that I got the call about it this morning...but it was a scary coincidence...)
Then I freaked out on my Aunt Jane...
And then I had to wait an hour and half for my Dr. Angel so basically I was put in time out and I calmed the hell down.
They put me in the back exam room and I realized it might be so that no one could hear me scream....good or bad....
But my precious Dr. Angel walked in with a smile and I knew he was happy....
and if he's happy...
I'm gonna be happy...
So now I wait.
This is what I plan to do with my extra time I have now...
time that I don't have to sit and worry about my cancer...or endlessly go to the Med Center...
I'm going to:
costume Legally Blonde
finish my Christmas decor (a few things left to do)
organize my closet better
file all my medical stuff I have just piled up
finish my Christmas shopping
cook glorious food for my kids
enjoy time with my kids and family
have fun with friends
return to Revolution (Dec 30)
spin and do yoga as much as possible
take great naps on weekends
take a carload of stuff to Goodwill
blog more for therapy
continue my diet but enjoy some treats
organize things in my house that have become disorganized this year
sleep peacefully
pray more each day
and be damn grateful for the life I have been given.
I can wait 6 weeks to hear I am clear of cancer...
Cancer has taught me patience (except not about missing my workouts...I am impatient to get back to my bike and mat).
I've learned so much through this journey and I have discovered so much about myself.
El Diablo was the hardest thing I have ever had to battle.
I had to do things I never thought I would do to kill this cancer. Needles and tests and exams and laying dead still on a table while radiation is aimed at my body...
I've said it before and I will say it again---you never know how strong you are until you are tested.
I've been through deaths, a divorce, raising kids----but this tested me like nothing before.
And I didn't realize until Dr. Angel told me that things were looking good at just how much all of this has been weighing on me.
I was terrified of dying...of leaving my children....of dying before I really knew what it felt like to be loved and love again...
And now to think that I can actually dare to hope to have a future....to maybe share a life with someone....to see my kids get married and have children of their own...
Life is never predictable or what we expect it to be.
You can't plan your life and guarantee that it will all turn out exactly as you planned it.
No one has that kind of control.
We are tested and challenged...
We have unexpected joys and blessings...
the road is never straight...you have curves and hills to negotiate...
Life is unpredictable.
When I was a little girl I thought I would grow up, go to college, get married, have 2 kids and some pets and live a happy life...
and that happened...
but I never imagined a divorce, losing my parents so young and cancer...
little girls playing with their Barbie dreamhouse don't think about those things...
But as an adult as I saw my marriage unravel and then as I saw my health deteriorate I had to face challenges that no little girl imagines she will have.
I had cancer...
(I'm pretty sure it is gone so I am going to claim it)
And an Angel and a Rockstar and God made it go away...
I don't know why I got so lucky...how I got to be the girl who had cancer and kept her hair and doesn't look sick and got to have a future...
Why me?
Why am I so blessed?
I have no clue...
But I'll take it!
Now excuse me while I go and practice my tango...I want to be ready when NED comes to get me for that dance...
Inspiration Song: "Angels Among Us" by Alabama...yeah I know they are country but when my kids were in middle school and GOTT was directing the choir they always sang this song....and for me my doctors are my Angels...and one LITERALLY IS...
And here is the chorus to the song...it speaks to me so deeply now:
Oh, I believe there are Angels Among Us,
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love.
Bye darlings....I have been blessed to have angels in my life and most especially now when I have needed to be cured but also to show me love and guidance and patience...angels surround you and me...open your eyes---they are there! I have no clue why I am so blessed---but it must be the angels who surround me....and the Angel who cured me with God's help and love...
So how does it feel to be told you are cancer free?
What's it like to be informed that El Diablo is El Gone-o?
Um....I don't know...
I'm not exactly there yet...
but I am so close I can taste it.
Over on the cancer board forum that I sometimes read they call it "Dancing With NED"...in other words No Evidence of Disease (NED).
I can't wait to dance with NED!
He will be my new boyfriend...
I'd like to start with a tango...and then maybe move to a foxtrot and go from there...
Me and NED could be the new power couple on Dancing With the Stars!!!!
But I am not QUITE at NED yet...
Let's put it this way:
I'm in the ballroom with him
and he is eyeing me from across the dancefloor
and he is making his way toward me
and I am giving El Diablo his walking papers
and I see NED heading my way
So I'm close but we have just a little bit more waiting to do before I can take NED by the hand and we can start that tango.
I saw Dr. Angel today...
I love that man...
truly love him...
he's the sweetest doctor I have ever had and he knows just how to handle me and has a good sense of humor.
So he took me into his office and pulled up my scans on his big computer screens.
He points to a scan that has a very scary black blob on it.
He says "I bet even you can tell that is bad"
I remind him I only speak glitter and that it's all blobs to me and that the black mass is scary.
He laughs and says "this is your OLD scan" and then goes on to show me the new scans (still just blobs to me and I realize I am glad my life does not depend on MY ability to read them) and tells me that the lymph nodes that were cancerous have reduced in size a lot and that there is no new evidence of disease.
That got a little scream of joy from me and a big hug for him...
and then he says the word I dread...
the word I was afraid to hear...
he says: BUT
I looked at him and said "it's always something isn't it?"
So the BUT was that although the glands have shrunk they are still on the large side of "normal" and we don't know if they are free of cancer yet.
So he says I have to have a PET scan in 6 weeks.
I tried to negotiate to have it done tomorrow but he vetoed that
Apparently we have to wait just a little longer to see if the treatments worked and if the lymph nodes go down some more.
I have total and complete faith in Dr. Angel and that he cured me so if I have to wait I have to wait...
He did say that he might want me to have the lymph glands taken out.
okie dokie
well....I'm being a little flip about it....it's actually fairly serious surgery because they lymph glands are right by my carotid artery so there's that...
He called the surgeon and they decided they will decide in 6 weeks...
okie dokie
In the meantime I get to enjoy my life...have a much better Christmas than last year and continue to recover from the Gertie the Hernia removal surgery.
Dr. Angel said I looked good and healthy and could not feel the lymph glands when he felt for them and he was amazed at how good the skin on my neck looked because it did not look one bit like I had radiation.
(that's because I used Rodan + Fields "Soothe" cream on my neck and it was a miracle cream...if you know anyone who will be having radiation please tell them to find a friend who is an R+F rep (or me) and get the Soothe line to protect their skin. He's now going to recommend it to patients...)
So for now...
GOOD NEWS!!!!!
OK people it's time to dance...that's all of you...so right now get up and do some dancing because I don't get to dance with NED for 6 more weeks so I need all of you to dance with me now...
Dance like Snoopy....or any of the Peanuts...
Dance like Ren in Footloose
Dance like Fred Astaire in anything...or Gene Kelly...
Do the moonwalk like Michael Jackson
Walk like an Egyptian...
Be Cyd Charisse and vamp it up a bit...
Dance like Napoleon Dynamite did for Pedro...
just DANCE!!!!
(you there in the back just standing there with your arms crossed---I said to DANCE DAMMIT)
I know I did...I danced all the way to my car in my high heeled booties....
I've waited for this since April when I finished chemo...
but then I had to have radiation
I've waited for this since early September...
but then there was the pesky lymph glands in my neck and more radiation
So now I get good news.
So
Now
I
Get
Good
News
I was freaking out on the way to the doc so I called Twirler Girl and had her give me some moral support. She's fought hard along with me to make sure I am ok (and that I got to keep my hair). She had a good feeling about it but I was nervous. I've been tired lately and had some tummy issues (I see now that was all STRESS) and I was freaked out because Dr. Rockstar's office called and said I had an appointment with her on Monday so I was totally convinced she was seeing me because it was bad news (as it turns out it was just a coincidence that I got the call about it this morning...but it was a scary coincidence...)
Then I freaked out on my Aunt Jane...
And then I had to wait an hour and half for my Dr. Angel so basically I was put in time out and I calmed the hell down.
They put me in the back exam room and I realized it might be so that no one could hear me scream....good or bad....
But my precious Dr. Angel walked in with a smile and I knew he was happy....
and if he's happy...
I'm gonna be happy...
So now I wait.
This is what I plan to do with my extra time I have now...
time that I don't have to sit and worry about my cancer...or endlessly go to the Med Center...
I'm going to:
costume Legally Blonde
finish my Christmas decor (a few things left to do)
organize my closet better
file all my medical stuff I have just piled up
finish my Christmas shopping
cook glorious food for my kids
enjoy time with my kids and family
have fun with friends
return to Revolution (Dec 30)
spin and do yoga as much as possible
take great naps on weekends
take a carload of stuff to Goodwill
blog more for therapy
continue my diet but enjoy some treats
organize things in my house that have become disorganized this year
sleep peacefully
pray more each day
and be damn grateful for the life I have been given.
I can wait 6 weeks to hear I am clear of cancer...
Cancer has taught me patience (except not about missing my workouts...I am impatient to get back to my bike and mat).
I've learned so much through this journey and I have discovered so much about myself.
El Diablo was the hardest thing I have ever had to battle.
I had to do things I never thought I would do to kill this cancer. Needles and tests and exams and laying dead still on a table while radiation is aimed at my body...
I've said it before and I will say it again---you never know how strong you are until you are tested.
I've been through deaths, a divorce, raising kids----but this tested me like nothing before.
And I didn't realize until Dr. Angel told me that things were looking good at just how much all of this has been weighing on me.
I was terrified of dying...of leaving my children....of dying before I really knew what it felt like to be loved and love again...
And now to think that I can actually dare to hope to have a future....to maybe share a life with someone....to see my kids get married and have children of their own...
Life is never predictable or what we expect it to be.
You can't plan your life and guarantee that it will all turn out exactly as you planned it.
No one has that kind of control.
We are tested and challenged...
We have unexpected joys and blessings...
the road is never straight...you have curves and hills to negotiate...
Life is unpredictable.
When I was a little girl I thought I would grow up, go to college, get married, have 2 kids and some pets and live a happy life...
and that happened...
but I never imagined a divorce, losing my parents so young and cancer...
little girls playing with their Barbie dreamhouse don't think about those things...
But as an adult as I saw my marriage unravel and then as I saw my health deteriorate I had to face challenges that no little girl imagines she will have.
I had cancer...
(I'm pretty sure it is gone so I am going to claim it)
And an Angel and a Rockstar and God made it go away...
I don't know why I got so lucky...how I got to be the girl who had cancer and kept her hair and doesn't look sick and got to have a future...
Why me?
Why am I so blessed?
I have no clue...
But I'll take it!
Now excuse me while I go and practice my tango...I want to be ready when NED comes to get me for that dance...
Inspiration Song: "Angels Among Us" by Alabama...yeah I know they are country but when my kids were in middle school and GOTT was directing the choir they always sang this song....and for me my doctors are my Angels...and one LITERALLY IS...
And here is the chorus to the song...it speaks to me so deeply now:
Oh, I believe there are Angels Among Us,
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love.
Bye darlings....I have been blessed to have angels in my life and most especially now when I have needed to be cured but also to show me love and guidance and patience...angels surround you and me...open your eyes---they are there! I have no clue why I am so blessed---but it must be the angels who surround me....and the Angel who cured me with God's help and love...
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