Poison

Hello Darlings,

Today is an anniversary of sorts...

December 23, 2016 I had my first chemo treatment.

I barely slept the night before.

I was so scared...no, make that TERRIFIED...

I had no clue how it would feel to have poison poured into my veins...if my port would work...if I would get sick...if the cold caps would work to keep my hair...if it would hurt...if I could do it...

So with a lack of sleep and a lot of fear I got into my friend SweetShari's car (along with my giant rolling ice chest full of the cold caps) and we headed off for the cancer center.

Getting around with that giant ice chest was not easy...it looked like we were about to have a big picnic in the cancer center.

When I put my first cap on I remember thinking:

there is no way I can do this for 6-8 hours...it is so cold...no it's not cold it's FREEZING...why am I doing this...wow do I look stupid...everyone is staring at me...oh this is cold....FREEZING...if this is this hard how hard will it be when they start the poison?

(you have to put the cold cap on an hour before they start the Taxol)

But I adjusted to the caps and then a nurse called me in to access my port.

"Access my port" is a phrase I NEVER thought I would say.

I sat in the chair and she uncovered my newly placed port and asked me if I wanted Lidocaine.

"yes"

or maybe I said: "hell yes"

I had no idea what it would feel like and I didn't want to feel it any more than I had to.

Lots of gloves and draping later and a shot of lidocaine and a little "punch" to the port and I had a line in for the poison.

They moved me to a bed for the infusions...

I thought "yay! A bed!" but I came to realize I was more comfy in a lounge chair so that first infusion was a little hard as it was not comfortable to lay down with the cap on...

When it came time to start the Taxol I started to cry...

So did SweetShari...

I was so scared...and looking at that bag with poison warnings on it was terrifying...my nurse had to be in a special gown and coverings so that he did not have any contact with the Taxol.

I looked at him and said "you can't touch this and yet it is being poured into my veins..."

For about the first half hour every time I looked at that bag I teared up...

I kept thinking:
how did I get here?
how is it that I have this horrible scary cancer?
how am I having chemo?
why I am here today and not prepping for Christmas?

It is a very surreal experience to have chemo.

Cancer feels very surreal.

Surgery is one thing...I have had surgeries before.

But chemo was something else...

When you have chemo it makes it feel even more real...because chemo is the thing that most people associate with cancer...that and radiation (and lucky me I got BOTH)

So the poison began to drip into my veins and I kept praying it was going to work

We kept changing out the caps and then Twirler Girl came with lunch and tapped SweetShari out and took over the care and maintenance of me...

I don't know what I would have done without Twirler Girl and her diligence at setting the alarm and changing the caps...had I been alone I could have never done it. 

Between her and Aunt Jane I have a head full of hair...and I don't look like a human emoji...

But that first infusion was a doozy...it was scary not knowing what it would feel like both during and after.

And I had not been fully aware of what the devil drug Decadron does to you---it makes you the Energizer Bunny for about 24 hours and then you crash hard...but only after eating half the contents of your refrigerator and no carb is safe around you.

(the eating part lasts for days...better than throwing up but so not fun gaining weight each round of chemo)

So a year has passed since that fateful day...

I've had to face so much more this year than just the chemo...but you all know all of that...

What I do find as I look back on that day one year ago is that it changed me...and not just by killing cancer cells.

It takes a great amount of fortitude to sit in the chair, have your port accessed and then have chemicals put in your body that are toxic.

And a great amount of faith that it will work.

Anyone who has ever had a chemo infusion will tell you that you look up at that bag of poison hanging on the pole next to you and you pray with everything in you that it will cure you.

Every time they started the drip I prayed...I prayed for healing...I prayed it would give me a life...

And I sit now on the precipice of possibly being free of the disease---for now or maybe forever....and I am grateful for those drugs that helped to get me here.

Last Christmas I was sick...the kids were worried about me and I was doing my best to hold it together for them.

On Christmas Eve I felt ok but come Christmas Day I was so tired and felt so awful I just wanted to sleep.

This year I feel great...and I want to spend every minute enjoying the time I have been given with my family and to make memories...because this horrible disease can take me from them if I am not cured.

I want my kids to spend these next two days happy with their healthy mom and not worrying about me.

God has given me a gift...the gift of time...and I plan to enjoy that time.

Over this past year I know that each and every one of you has faced some sort of challenge...some are harder than others but we all have challenges. It matters not if they are big or small, easy or tough, or if you are facing death or just facing the in-laws.

Challenges...

And it's how we face them and get over them that sometimes defines us...

I faced this damn cancer like a boss...a badass cancer kicking warrior woman boss...

And I am a woman who is terrified of heights and cockroaches...but I did not let this stuff undo me...

I do not know what else God will have me face in my future but I can tell that He must have a lot of faith in ME because he has given me plenty to handle over time. Because He only gives us what we can handle...never more...

I'm not sure what my next hurdle is..the next bump in the road...the next surprise around the corner...

but I do know that if I can sit and have poison dripped into my veins while wearing a cap that is -25 degrees I can pretty much face anything...

I see friends who have had challenges that I could not handle well at all handle them with grace and so much dignity. Friends who have lost children....who have lost partners/spouses....friends who have lost their homes...who have lost their jobs...

I lost a year of my life fighting something that was trying to kill me.

I entered a ring to battle an opponent that defeats more than he loses to...that fights dirty...that kills more often than just maims...

El Diablo has not a care if you are young or old, rich or poor, married or single, gay or straight or bi, pretty or ugly, Christian or not, fat or skinny...El Diablo does not give a shit...

El Diablo is going to get who he wants...

But El Diablo is not going to get me...

Inspiration Song: "Poison" by Bel Biv Devoe...oh yeah your forgot about this one, didn't you? Well I had my share of poison...and one year later it looks like it did it's job...

Bye Darlings...Merry Christmas to all who celebrate it...I am so grateful this year to feel well and have my kids and family around...a year ago I did not know if I would be here...and yet---here I am...thanks to some poison...