Thank You

Hello Darlings,

Warning: long winding road of a blog...it meanders a little here and a little there...all just train of thought stuff from my head....might go down better if you have had wine...sadly I wrote this without any...

Well I survived my birthday

I am now 53 years old...

Cancer did not get to keep me from having another birthday.

THAT is a victory in my book.

And I am extremely grateful for it and I am incredibly grateful for my doctors (Dr. Angel and Dr Rockstar) for doing what they could to get me to another birthday...

And not only did I get to celebrate my birthday last week but I also got to celebrate Thanksgiving...

I love Thanksgiving....

although through the years the holiday has gotten harder.

It was always my Daddy's favorite---he loved the food but mostly he loved having his brood about  him and everyone together.  When he died a little of my love for the holiday died with him.

Then when my mom died 11 years later a LOT of the joy of the holiday died for me.  She was always the cook and in my adult years I had become her sous chef and I loved the time we spent together making dressing and creamy dreamies (mashed potatoes) and the turkey. I was especially proud the year I told her I was going to have everyone to my house and I made my first solo turkey. It turned out perfect.

My mom excelled at the cooking. Her gravy was wonderful. Her stuffing was perfection. Her creamy dreamies were given that name because they were the creamiest dreamiest mashed potatoes ever. Her turkey was always perfectly done and delicious.

One year she screwed up.

Just once.

We were celebrating the holiday in Montana.

The ranch there was a good way from town (30 minutes plus) on a winding mountain road.

My mom got home from the store and discovered that she did not have a clean new cloth (or cheesecloth) to cover the bird.  When we were really little she got the diaper service to sell her brand new cloth diapers and used them to cover the turkey but we were in Montana and had no need of a diaper service at that time because disposables had come along.

We shared the ranch with another family so Mom and Betty (the other mom) got to cooking and realized they had no cloth.

So mom grabbed a new dishtowel and decided to use that to cover the bird.

the dish towel was red and white check...

I guess you can surmise what happened...

We now call it "the year of the pink turkey"

no one would eat the turkey....

Daddy wasn't happy....

but we filled up on sides and had a good laugh about it.

After my mom died I usually went to my Aunt Jane's if she was in town or made turkey and all the sides myself.

I experimented some but the kids wanted it to taste just like my mom's....so much for putting my own spin on things.

When the ex and I divorced I invited him to eat with us so he wouldn't be alone and so the kids didn't have to have two meals like I did when my parents split up.

We did that for a few years...but the kids found it awkward and he got a girlfriend so I was off the hook.

The year he texted me the morning of Thanksgiving and said he had made other plans I opened the wine early and did a dance around the kitchen.

Now it's just me and The Cutest Boy in the World because his sister is too far away....the last few years we have had prime rib per his request.

But last week he had ALL 4 of his wisdom teeth pulled so prime rib wasn't on the menu.

I'm made gumbo...turkey gumbo...per his request...

Last Thanksgiving is a blur to me...I had just gotten my cancer diagnosis and I was in a lot of pain at that time. I was waiting to have my surgery and terrified. I do remember cooking prime rib for the kiddo but not much else.  The ex offered to send a plate (that was kind) but frankly I was just living as a shadow of myself because my future was so unknown.

This year my future is still unknown but I have had a year to be thankful for...because even though it has been the hardest year of my life I am blessed beyond measure that I have insurance and got the best care possible.

I'm thankful for my doctors, my treatments, the people who work in the doctor's offices, the nurses, the radiation techs, the staff at the cancer center and radiation therapy, my aunt who has stood by me, Twirler Girl who came to every chemo and helped me keep my hair, the cold cap that helped me not go bald, my students who keep me rolling, my medicines that have healed me, the blood of the people who I received in transfusions, the pain meds that kept me from hurting, all the love and support from you people and friends and family and most of all I am grateful for my kids...

Cancer has not been easy but it has been a blessing in many ways...

it has made me grow stronger in my faith
it has made me be a more patient human
it has showed me that I am stronger than I thought I was
it has taught me that staying positive is medicine in itself
it has taught me to be less selfish
it has taught me how precious life is
it has taught me not to take things for granted
it has taught me to appreciate each day

I've grown as a human thanks to cancer.

I don't recommend it as a way to achieve personal growth though...there are better avenues!

Thanksgiving has come and gone but we should always be grateful and thankful and mindful of our blessings.

If you are thankful for your HEALTH---then be sure to cherish it.  Have you had a checkup this year? Have you put off a colonoscopy? or maybe you are avoiding a mammogram? or haven't had a well woman checkup with a gynecologist for a while?  If you have your health TAKE CARE OF IT.  So  maybe spend a minute and book that doctor's visit you have avoided so that you can keep your health and have something to be thankful for next year as well. And since many of us have insurance that resets on our deductibles on Jan 1 try and get it done before the end of the year...

If you are thankful for your LOVE/spouse/partner/boyfriend/girlfriend---tell him/her but also do something to show thanks...plan an unexpected evening...go do something he/she loves but you don't...cook his/her favorite dish...be thoughtful in some way and when you do say to him/her "I am truly thankful that I have you in my life and that you are my love". Acts and words together will confirm that you feel blessed to have that person to love...I truly wish I had someone to thank for loving me...

If you are thankful for your KIDS---show them love in ways they understand---they grow up and leave us all too quickly...and yes they mess up the house if they are college kids coming home and little ones can be trying at times...but we are all thankful for our children....they are horribly embarrassed if you try and tell them you love them...they would rather die than have us say "I am lucky to be your parent"...but you can tell them in the ways they understand like making pancakes or french toast just because...or going to see a movie that they will love and you might need Advil for after...or just saying it's ok for them to go hang with their friends because even though we want them with us they are social beings....my kids would rather have me smear dog feces on them than to listen to me say I appreciate them but my kids know it when I do the "little" things...

If you are thankful for you FAMILY (other than spouse and kids)----spend time with them...invite them over for things other than holidays...you will miss your aging parents when they are gone so soak them up and make memories. I miss my parents and grandparents so much it kills me.  Go shopping with your sister. Go to a game with your brother. Make memories with them and have fun. I have been blessed through my illness to get to spend some great quality time with my beloved Aunt Jane---the infusion center is no fabulous place to have a party but each day we spent together there is a memory that I am very loved.

If you are thankful for your FRIENDS---tell them! Or maybe reconnect with someone you lost touch with...or spend time with someone you have not spent time with in a while...text your bestie that she is great....tell your work friend that he/she makes work better by bringing them coffee....bring lunch to a friend who has been having a hard time...I once cooked an anniversary dinner for some friends who had a new baby and not a lot of $ to go out with----my friend still tells me to this day 27 years later that it meant something to her and that it was a kindness unexpected. Small gestures can be as awesome as the grand ones...Things like Twirler Girl coming to each chemo and being in charge of my cold caps is something I will never forget...we had a lot of laughs and my hair owes itself to her...but it was the fact she took that time and did that for me that I will never forget...that and all the Starbucks pound cake she fetched for me!

We are all thankful and blessed and we should not just take one day a year to be so...gratitude should be a daily thing.

I start my prayers by thanking God for my life and my kids and the many blessings He has bestowed upon me.  I want Him to know that I know I am blessed and very lucky before I lay anything before Him that I am praying for...

This month I have been doing "30 days of Gratitude" to help me remember all the ways I am blessed...sometimes it is a little thing and sometimes it is something big...but each day I find something to truly be grateful for...and if you have never tried that little exercise for yourself I highly recommend doing it.

Next month I plan to dig further in my gratitude...I want to do an act of kindness in some way each day until Christmas. I'm not sure what it will be but I plan to explore all the ways I can serve others as as a way to be grateful for the things I have.

I also might start the new year by having "30 days of gratefulness for YOU" by texting or messaging a different person each day and telling him/her why I am thankful to have him/her in my life.

I look at being grateful a bit differently now...something that once seemed important no longer is and now the little things really really matter.

I recently reconnected with a friend I had a falling out with---I honestly can't remember why we drifted apart but I missed her and in the spirit of the holiday reached out to her so that we could once again enjoy the friendship that I have long treasured (it is a great thing to reconnect with someone you thought you lost). Whatever caused us to drift apart is not important---but once again enjoying a friendship with someone who you miss IS important. I know when she learned I was ill that it saddened her and through a mutual friend she sent some messages that I was on her mind. I'm not a perfect woman or perfect friend and I was as much at fault for our drifting apart as she was but I decided that it seemed silly that we didn't communicate directly and that she too could suffer along with other friends as I endlessly whine about my cancer and medical crap...she might decide to retreat after she gets a belly full of whiny cancer girl...

I've made so many mistakes in my life.

I've handled things badly...
I've hurt people I love and/or care about...
I've been selfish
I've been rude
I've put aside things I should handle
I've focused on things I should have let go of
I've ignored signs of trouble
I've made trouble or stirred the pot

and those are just the ones that pop into my head as I write this...

I've made little mistakes like eating the wrong thing, taking the wrong route, and being blind to what I see in front of me...

But those can translate into bigger things like not taking care of myself to be healthy...running down the wrong path in things I do, and turning a blind eye to act as if I don't see the trouble/issue/problem in front of me...

I
constantly
screw
up

I fail at more things than I succeed at

But I am GRATEFUL for those failures.

No one ever really learned much from getting everything right (although right now I pray that Dr. Angel and Dr. Rockstar have done everything perfectly to get me cured).

I learn so much more from the things I mess up and fail at.

I don't just learn how to fix what went wrong---I also learn the grace to admit to my mistakes, to look for ways to fix what I messed up and to humble myself to know that I didn't do it right and need a do-over or forgiveness for my screwing up.

I've trusted humans I should not trust---and thankfully that has taught me something about learning to be a little more discerning in who I put my faith in. More often than not I will give that person a second chance and more often than not that person once again showed me just who they were the first time (Thank you Maya Angelou for that wisdom---when someone shows you who they are the first time---believe them).

I still want to have faith in the goodness of people but there are just some who will show you all their true colors and when you see the "red" that indicates "stop"---stop...that person is never going to serve you well in friendship.

I'm thankful for the people who have not been true friends to me...because I cherish the ones who really are and are trustworthy even more.

I have put my faith in looking good into a lot of potions and lotions (and some Botox). The Botox hasn't failed me yet but only recently have I found the right skincare for me and a great hairdresser that knows how to make my hair look good.  But the bottom line to looking good is good health and no amount of $ or serum will replace being healthy, drinking lots of water, eating clean,wearing sunscreen, getting good sleep, and washing off my makeup at night. I am thankful that my mom taught me that...

I am thankful for hangovers I had that taught me what "too much" was when it came to wine and vodka...or food...

I am thankful for running out of gas a few times to teach me not to let my tank get so empty...literally and figuratively....

I am thankful for the times that I have not been allowed to exercise to show me how much I truly love and need my workouts...

I am thankful for the lonely nights I have had these last 6 years to help me appreciate how less lonely I am when my kids or my aunt or a friend is here...and hopefully it will make me truly appreciate having a love around (if I ever do have a man to love again) because I know what it is like to cook for one, to spend an evening with only the cats to talk to, and to go to bed with an empty space next to me...

I am thankful for this blog---I can get my feelings out and hopefully one or two of you finds something useful for your own life in it...

And I am very very thankful for all of you who read this blog and have been supporting me on my journey of life....the fact that ANYONE reads this is a miracle to me so thank you for doing so...

So here you go...my thanksgiving blog....about all the things I am thankful for...oh there are so many more things (like cheesecake....and my car...and Amazon prime...and air conditioning...and bubble baths...and....well you get the picture...)

Tomorrow I might muse on one year post cancer removal....let's see how the brain does...

Inspiration Song: Thank You by Dido...thank you for all you do...

Bye Darlings----be thankful for what you have....and show gratitude for those who make your life better...show love....show peace...be thankful....