Invincible

Hello Darlings...

Tomorrow is my birthday.

I will be 53 years old.

There is no use sugar coating it because it is what it is.

I will be 53.

I think back to past birthdays and have fond memories.

My 30th was a lovely surprise party that for once the ex did something right...and he even arranged for our sweet friend LovelyLinda who was babysitting my daughter to have her deliver her to the party (and that way LovelyLinda could come too!).

My 40th birthday was my last birthday I got to celebrate with my mom.  There was a limo, champagne, my kids, lovely friends and steak at Ruth's Chris.

I forgot to mention that I share my birthday with my ex.

Yes...we have the same birthday.

Different years but same day.  He is 7 years older.  He will be 60 this year.

I don't remember many of my birthdays in my 20's because most were spent with him and we just went to dinner.

I do remember my birthday in 1985...because he proposed.

I drove in from College Station and just before going to dinner he did a fumbling proposal that I think he expected to turn out more romantic and better than planned but it was ok.  I do enjoy a grand gesture and this was sort of a mini gesture but that is more his style than mine.

I do give him extra credit for asking my parents.

He called my dad (because my dad was in Kerrville and the ex was working here in Houston).

My dad in typical fashion tried to talk him out of it.  He asked if he was SURE he wanted to marry me.

Thank you Dadddy...you tried your best to stop me.

But honestly I don't regret marrying him because I have my children and they would not be who they are without him.

They also would not be able to do math and science like they do without his genes so there ya go...you can't get by just by speaking glitter...

My children look like my mom and dad and have my compassion and sense of style but from him they can do calculus and balance chemical equations and don't need a calculator to figure out a tip.

I married a book smart man...he was just dumb in other ways.  It does make me realize that I do need a man who is smarter than me (not THAT hard to find) and I'll be grateful to have someone figure out the tip without agonizing over it.

When the ex told my mom he was going to propose he went to where she was working and showed her the ring.  She put it on and it almost got stuck.

Right there that says a lot about my mom...it was always about Debbie...and frankly as much as it aggravated me that she was like that I loved her for it.

So he proposed, I said yes and we went to dinner and the next morning I drove back to College Station and kept looking at my left hand.

I kept my engagement a secret from almost everyone except my friend Marvelous Marlene because she was in cahoots with the ex for my sorority "candle pass".

For those of you who do not know the extreme excitement of a candle pass I shall enlighten you...a bouquet of flowers with a candle in it (with the engagement ring on the candle) is passed around after your sorority meeting.  Everyone is in a circle and songs are sung and the bouquet/candle is passed from girl to girl until it stops on the girl who has gotten engaged and she blows out the candle.  Hugs and tears abound...it is definitely one of the highlights of being in a sorority---you get to do silly things like that.  These days what I see of sorority girls is a lot of posed photos for Instagram...

I think I was as in love with the idea of the candle pass as I was with him...

I had some fun birthdays as a child---the usual dress up parties and slumber parties.  They were always fun and the slumber parties always had someone who ended up in tears...that's what I remember about slumber parties---some sort of drama that caused tears...

Last year I spent my birthday at a Friendsgiving celebration with some beloved friends.  There was laughter and good happy loving tears and great food.  I started the day with a wonderful yoga class with my yoga goddess Sensational Sarah and I was joined by my Aunt Jane, my Aunt Susan and GOTTESS and then we went to brunch and GOTT and GOTTSON joined us.  It really was a perfect birthday.

Tomorrow I will have a simple celebration.

Just me, my Aunt Jane and The Cutest Boy in the World.

I'm still recovering from my hernia surgery so going out is not available so we are planning on an easy night of picking up Outback and just having a nice easy dinner.

It's going to be a perfectly ordinary and absolutely boring kind of birthday.

Nothing fancy...

no limos...

no champagne (doesn't mix with the pain pills)....

maybe a piece of cheesecake...

simple...

last year I pledged that I would have a 53rd birthday and I will...

I have survived a year of cancer treatments so that I can see this birthday.

Last year I thought I might make this sort of a special birthday because I lived to see it but honestly the hernia surgery sort of took the wind out of my sails on that one.

Maybe next year I will have a fun party...

and hopefully a date...

oh that would be so nice...

if I could even remember how to act around a man who likes me as a woman and isn't a man trying to do something horribly medical to me...

honestly it's been so long since I have been on a date I am actually worried I might just look across the table at my date (if I ever have one) and ask him if my scans are clear and what my CA125 level is.

But this year will be low key...kiddo is having wisdom teeth pulled the next day and I still am wearing a binder to keep me from feeling like my tummy will swell to full term gestation size so getting dressed up cute isn't exactly in the cards.  But maybe with the help of a pain pill I can have a little celebration at Outback (it is across the street from my neighborhood so it wins by proximity and not desired place to celebrate birthday).

There were times this year I wasn't sure I was going to get to see this birthday.  I've had to do so much medically that if the cancer didn't get me the treatment almost did. And when it turned out that my cancer was the ugly aggressive kind I really feared that I might not have that much longer to celebrate things like birthdays.

But despite all the needles and poison and nuking and surgeries and pain and nausea and weakness and gut issues and days that just getting out of bed was a feat I did have some happy things happen over the course of my 52nd year around the sun.

My daughter graduated from college AND spoke at graduation
My students got nominated for best musical
My girls and I got nominated for best costumes for a musical
My son turned 19 and my daughter turned 24

and I got a lot of love and support from my friends and family

I'm hoping for a belated birthday gift in the form of Dr. Angel telling me he has vanquished El Diablo and that there is no evidence of disease anymore...that would make this the best birthday ever...and I have to wait about 2.5 more weeks to see if that is my gift.

I used to take my birthdays for granted.

When I was a child it was all about the gifts and the parties.  I still remember my father sneaking into my bedroom to put my Barbie dreamhouse in the middle of my bedroom so that when I woke up it would be the first thing I saw.  He stumbled (and cursed) on his way in and had to fumble about with it to make sure all 3 floors were still standing so it woke me up but I pretended to be sleeping so as not to blow his surprise and the minute I knew he was safely down the hallway I jumped from bed and pulled the string to make the elevator go up and down.

Best. present. ever.

mostly because he worked so hard to make it special for me...he could have just had me unwrap a box but having it completely put together and there for me to see when I woke made it super special. It was a flimsy thing so I am amazed he got it down the hallway and I'm even more amazed he put it together because that was NOT Daddy's strong suit.

In my teens birthdays weren't much of anything except getting to select where we went to dinner...I don't remember much about those birthdays.  And the restaurant was usually something like The Magic Pan or The Magic Time Machine (the late 70's and early 80's were big on restaurants with the name "magic" in them). Or it was Chinese food.  I don't remember my first trip to Benihana but I am sure someone's birthday was involved...

I got to be "legal" on my 19th birthday so I do remember that---up until a point...and I do remember a hangover from very cheap champagne.

As I said before my birthdays in my 20's were spent with the ex as were those in my 30's...and I was happy to have my kids with me to celebrate...since it was a birthday I shared with the ex it really was a family night and I am happy it was so.

I was a bit apprehensive about turning 40.  I was unhappily married and felt like I still wasn't a real adult.  But I am grateful that THAT was the last birthday I had my mom with me for and I cherish the memories of that night and of sitting in the limo with her and seeing my kids on either side of her happily having a very fun ride...I sipped champagne with my beloved Aunt Jane and I think we attempted to be like Tom Hanks in Big and put our heads through the sunroof...

Birthdays after my mom passed were sad to me because I didn't have her to celebrate with me and I missed her.

My 50th birthday was perfect.

I did exactly what I wanted to do.

I did a double spin class at Revolution Studio with Marvelous Mel and KuteKim and all my beloved Rev people and it was without a doubt one of my happiest days ever.

I was 50 and I did 2 badass amazing spin classes at the place I love with all my heart...and if not for this hernia surgery I would be at Revolution tomorrow doing the same thing.

I've been put through so much this year I have actually surprised myself.

The night I spent in the hospital having transfusions made it all hit home to me that I was forced to take a journey that no one would want to go on and I had to pretty much do it alone.  I looked up at the bag of blood hanging from the iv pole and realized that so much had happened to me this past year that I never thought would be things I would do/see/experience/live through.

So this past week as I have recovered from this hernia surgery I have had a lot of time to think about tomorrow and the day that marks my 53rd year here...and maybe it's just the painkillers talking but I came to realize that there was no need to do anything really special for this birthday just because I survived to see it.

I'm going to do exactly what I want to do: share a meal with two of the 3 humans that mean the most to me in this world. I will miss my daughter but she will be with me in spirit.

My real celebration of life will come when I am finally free of this cancer. 

Free of treatments...

of needles...

of poison...

of radiation...

of my weakened immune system and low blood counts...

of endless drives to the medical center...

of scans...

and I will celebrate on the day that I can move forward with my life and start making plans again...

and that will be a day for champagne, flowers, cake and glitter...

tomorrow will just be a day that marks that I have survived a year of terror and fear and pain and aloneness in my fight for survival...

I'm blessed to have this birthday...many women in my position will not see their next birthday.

Many women with my disease will not survive....

some will die because of it and some will die trying to fight it...

but I have lived to see November 20...

and I will live to see 54...

and hopefully then my life will have moved forward in a direction of joy...of love...of less pain and fear...

I have survived more than I ever thought I could...

and the little girl who lept out of bed to play with her Barbie DreamHouse grew into a strong woman who faced cancer alone and beat it...

Inspiration Song: Invincible by Kelly Clarkson....Kelly and Sia are my "go-to's" for music that lifts me up when I need it...this year has been one of having so much thrown and me and I have survived...here are the lyrics:

You know I was broke down, I had hit the ground
I was crying out, I couldn't make no sound
No one hears the silent tears collecting
You know I had lost hope, I was all alone
Never been so long till you came along
Teacher, I feel the dots connecting

Beat down on me, beat down like a waterfall
Cause I can take on so much more than I had ever dreamed
So beat down on me, beat down like a waterfall
Cause baby, I am ready to be free

Now I am invincible
No, I ain't a scared little girl no more
Yeah, I am invincible
What was I running for
I was hiding from the world
I was so afraid, I felt so unsure
Now I am invincible
Another perfect storm

Now I am a warrior, a shooting star
Know I got this far, had a broken heart
No one hears the silent tears collecting
Cause it's being weak, but strong in the truth I found
I have courage now, gonna shout it out
Teacher, I feel the dots connecting

Beat down on me, beat down like a waterfall
Cause I can take on so much more than I had ever dreamed
So beat down on me, beat down like a waterfall
Cause baby, I am ready to be free

Read more: Kelly Clarkson - Invincible Lyrics | MetroLyrics 


Bye Darlings---tomorrow I will turn 53....I am invincible